How are you feeling?

Couldn't get a better band to see in the new year than the Rolling Stones :bigsmile:

Sarah_M said:

I feel humiliated to be me and angry that my life isn't better/I didn't plant seeds so I would be enjoying the fruits of my labor right now. I hate being that person who only says and seldom does out of fear :/

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I couldn't have said it better myself Sarah. I am desperately hoping that 2017 is the turnaround year because if it isn't then I have to ask myself why keep going? If I have been going like this for a long while and I can't get any better, then what's the point?:sad:

Marc7 said:

I have just started caring about my voice recently and cared about my looks for years.

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I’ve really let myself down in both those areas over the years. I mean, I try to make an effort with my looks, but nah… Ah still feel ugly.

Marc7 said:

So you guys ended up throwing the old things out? How much money is the symbol with the 60 with it?

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Oh, that’s British pounds for that symbol beside the number sixty. Aye, food and drink that was bought months in advance, specifically for the family visit had to be chucked out.

Marc7 said:

This is the same sister with the niece and brother in law?

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Yes, it is. She’ll usually go shopping our mum when she visits. I normally here the debate about why does our mum by this and that so often as the front door opens and mum returns with bags upon bags. When I was younger, I’d usually joke that…

Marc7 said:

Yea I'm gaining weight.

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Is that good or bad? Just asking, as whenever people tell me this, it’s usually just so they can complain about having put on weight. No offence, intended.

Marc7 said:

So does it go further when you check them out or they check you out? Even though you make eye contact, smile, and sometimes say hello.

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Sadly it doesn’t. Mainly because I was too shy n’ awkward around women.

Plus, it’s kind difficult to get beyond “Hello” and giving a wee nod of acknowledgement, when my family have bared witness to this encounter, and they’re trying suppress their laughter. Followed by persistent teasing:

And still quite insecure about my looks.

Marc7 said:

So they think your crazy then?

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Oh yeah! Mental! Sadly that "Don't effin' mess with me" perception is still what people assume of me. Mainly because I'm a chubby guy.

Who is Francis Begbie from Trainspotting?

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Oops, I meant Trainspotting - the Irvin Welsh novel. And that's just a reference to one of the character in the book who has quite a violatile personality.

You mean it harder to fit in as a darker or lighter skin tone?

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I guess it's difficult either way. Since you have the dual identity to come to terms with. In my experience being of lighter skin tone, finding my place or a sense of belong has proven difficult. Since I don’t really feel like I belong anywhere, if that makes sense? :question:

That's messed up that people thought you were adopted from Africa?

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Yep! Elderly Scottish ladies would assume this when I was out with my mum when I was little. Because there’s no way that kid with the afro is biologically related to that white Scottish woman.

Why did they think you were trying "be white"?[/QUOTE]

:idontknow: Probably because I was trying to fit in, and talked like my peers despite clearly being different from them in terms of appearance.

Marc7 said:

You mean the mixed community in south of Scotland?

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Aye, but there isn't really a mixed-race in community in the south of Scotland where I live. Yeah, there’s the odd immigrant that moved, settled here and raised a family. Like my dad done, but you won’t see many folks who look similar to me going about the streets.

Marc7 said:

How does your mixed heritage have to do with your taste of music?

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This was more to do with my immediate family who thought it weird that I – a brown fella – would like heavy metal/hard rock music - or “shite devil music” as it was term by youngest of my 2 sisters - over stuff that was more popular at the time. Mainly dance, rap and RnB. Though, I had a few laughs at her expense when she’d miss read certain album title incorrectly.

Marc7 said:

So your mother and sisters argued about your sisters resenting you?

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Well, there was odd argument in which I overheard me being called a waste of space. And them discussing what kinda life I’d have, given my disability. So, read what’cha want intae that. :sad:

Marc7 said:

Oh. That sucks. By conservative you mean traditional or she wants things to stay the same?

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Oh, it’s conservative in the sense of wanting things to stay the same. It’s only ever meant in the traditional sense whenever I forget someone’s flipping birthday or don’t attend a family gathering.

theslowesthand said:

I'm not personable or likeable or normal.

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This is pretty much me as well. :sad:

Tears fall but why am I crying
After all I'm not afraid of dying

It's always nice to be told you are "unapproachable"... Buckin' great, so it is. Thanks mum!
That really makes me feel like a loved and valued member o' the family. :sad: And my family still wonders why I'm such a loner. mg:

2017 is sure off to a great start for me, like. :kickingmyself:

Rubbish day, including weather. Even more bored than usual. Watching junk on youtube, just to kill the time. That's how bored i am.

I'm feeling really good today. I will start learning programming and website development. Actually, I saw a motivational video this morning which has filled me with lots of belief and motivation to move ahead in my life.

I'm getting that insatiable urge to travel again... was at work today day dreaming about the destination.

Japan and Canada are at the top of my list at the moment..

It's 1:30 in the morning, and I'm afraid to go to bed because I know if I do I'll only sleep for an hour or two and then lie awake until almost dawn thinking about death. Acid reflux is a real possibility, too. My body is rotting, my mind is diseased, my life is all but over save for the paperwork. I'm overwhelmed, can't cope, don't want to. I haven't left my apartment in eight weeks except to check the mailbox a few times. Can't go shopping, can't go to the doctor, can't go anywhere. Car's ****ed up, so I can't even drive it off a cliff. I have no friends, nowhere to turn for help. I don't know what I'm going to do.

It's the 7th day without alcohol (not intentionally), and i'm pretty desperate, as i'm at around maximum boredom level, and alcohol helps to "stimulate" my brain, shift my bored mood, etc. So the desperation is likely to force me to catch a taxi to town & restock with alcohol (& i'll get "the works" - whiskey/vodka/spiced-rum, beer, crisps, softdrinks, bourbon/cola cans). Going abroad tends to ****-up my mood, but hey, i'm desprate & i can drink afterwards to handle that stress!

GraybeardGhost said:

It's 1:30 in the morning, and I'm afraid to go to bed because I know if I do I'll only sleep for an hour or two and then lie awake until almost dawn thinking about death. My body is rotting, my mind is diseased, my life is all but over save for the paperwork. I'm overwhelmed, can't cope, don't want to. I haven't left my apartment in eight weeks except to check the mailbox a few times. Can't go shopping, can't go to the doctor, can't go anywhere. Car's ****ed up, so I can't even drive it off a cliff. I have no friends, nowhere to turn for help. I don't know what I'm going to do.

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Sadly I can relate, Graybeard. :sad:

I don't feel much joy in life anymore. :sad: Ma life feels so... utterly pointless. Been feeling this way since late last year as far not finding much joy in anything. Despite rediscovering my love for playing music, I'm kinda fearful of getting creating since I don't fully trust my own judgement anymore.


And I hate the fact I'm almost always taken advantage of by those around me - yet my family always try to spin this under the guise of "Just trying to be helpful". Which just makes me feel worse about myself. I just... ah don't know?! :idontknow: The double standards, contradictions and blantant hypocrisy is a totally mind-f**k. Coupled with the stress and frustration of it all. You would think they'd be a bit more grateful for me having not disowned 'em, given the crap I've had to put up with. :kickingmyself:

No wonder I'm such a mess. :crying:

I need an income and soon.:sad:

Do you ever get the feeling that maybe you were put on this planet just to suffer? I feel that way. The worst part is the people around you end up suffering too.

defiance said:

Do you ever get the feeling that maybe you were put on this planet just to suffer? I feel that way. The worst part is the people around you end up suffering too.

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Sometimes, but I don't like to dwell on it much. :sad: Mainly because it does nothing for my self-esteem.

A little bit antisocial.

I wish I was young tonight, you definitely don't want your name to show up in the crime watch section at my age.

Insecure. Starting to develop some weird body issues all of a sudden. I'm finding myself getting really jealous of other guys I see online that look like they were cut from stone. Trying to get in shape, bit who knows how long this crap will take if it works at all.

Unmotived, and just.. Meh! :idontknow:

Graeme1988 said:

Unmotived, and just.. Meh! :idontknow:

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Same here. Me personally since I have lost the desire to live I can't be motivated for almost anything. Other times when I try to motivate myself to do something then fear kicks in and holds me back. Like finding a job for example. I really need to get a job but the thought of it scares the ever loving s**t out of me. :kickingmyself:. :crying: