You can't possibly have SA then-

[FountainandFairfax]

It sounds like that catch-22 type of logic where you just can't win either way.

If you do such and such, you don't really have a problem (regardless of how tough it was for you, or whether or not your anxiety may have been "low" at the time), but if you don't do such and such, then you're just a malingerer who doesn't try hard enough to improve their station.

I basically gave the finger to these kinds of statements years ago once I understood that social phobia's symptoms occur along a spectrum.

Mostly, I feel that people who say things like this are simply trying to stump you, or catch you in some kind of contradiction they've dreamed-up. They never have time to learn about what's really going on with you, but always have more than enough hours in the day to hit you with loaded, superficial questions.

Now.... give me a minute while I forward this message to everyone in my family, ha ha.

 

[fate12321]

In a relationship, then you can't possibly have SA. How many people agree with this statement? :question:

I'm a little confused in what your asking...
But I think I know what you mean. Anyways, I was in a few relationships (two actually), and out of that short relationship I've learned that their are several factors that can make a relationship last longer. One of these factors is communication.

Without it, it's almost impossible to make a relationship last. Me and my ex really lack communication. In fact I think we both had SA. (When I meant we, I meant she).

However, the same thing happened to my other ex girlfriend. (Writing this, I just realize the only way I even manage to get a girlfriend was because they liked me, and also my friends hooked me up with them...)

The same thing happened to me again my senior year I high school (last year actually). Some freshman girl liked me and one of my friends was trying to hook me up with her, and it did not end very well...

 

[spider04]

I disagree, I've read a story on here of someone who met his wife here. It may be easier if both people have SA? Maybe, I think it'd be easier if I find a girl as shy as me, I know I would feel more comfortable knowing the other person understands me.

 

[Earthcircle]

In a relationship, then you can't possibly have SA. How many people agree with this statement? :question:

No, I do not agree with it. I'm just jealous, that's all.

 

[Aron]

It sounds like that catch-22 type of logic where you just can't win either way.

If you do such and such, you don't really have a problem (regardless of how tough it was for you, or whether or not your anxiety may have been "low" at the time), but if you don't do such and such, then you're just a malingerer who doesn't try hard enough to improve their station.

Exactly. It goes either way:
- it's not fair to say that someone has no SA if they have a relationship just because there are people with SA who don't have one
- and it's not fair to say that anyone with SA can have a relationship, if you don't you must be not trying hard enough, just because there are people with SA who do have one

I think the reason for this statement in the OP is that the majority of people who have SA never had a relationship, and it kinda seems to be an impossible thing to them, to me anyway. Even though I do have a relationship. And also it's the most basic human need, to have a companion. Well, again, for me anyway.

 

[Feathers]

Others have said it - people who say you can't have SA if... probably don't know much about SA and may judge from their own experience. There are very many different levels and situations where you can have SA or anxiety, someone may be perfectly ok in a situation that gives someone else a lot of anxiety.

 

[MikeyC]

Lots of comments so no need to weigh in myself, but I also disagree with the opening statement.

 

[OceanMist]

In a relationship, then you can't possibly have SA. How many people agree with this statement? :question:

I don't agree at all. A lot of people can get into relationships if they are attractive or make themselves attractive and if they are better looking than their partner. SA has nothing to do with that.

If I wanted to i could have gotten with some girls I wasn't attracted to and i have SA.

 

[Richey]

A person with SA could be very confident physically or in strength of personality to still be in a relationship. Where as others do not have a lot of physical self confidence, feel ugly and do not get into relationships. It can be that sort of sad world of inequality and unfairness that is a bit of a drag.

It also depends on your environments, the people you spend time with at work, at college, at home may actually make it easy to reciprocate a friendship or relationship where as other SA sufferers may be in environments where that is extremely difficult.

Perhaps a solution is to keep changing to new environments until something happens. This can be hard to achieve.

To be honest, alot of it is just sheer luck and good timing.

 

[Knight1985]

I have absolutely no opinion on this. Cuz I cudnt find any woman I cud open my anxieties to. I did have one. But she's married to someone else now.

 

[MollyBeGood]

It sounds like that catch-22 type of logic where you just can't win either way.

If you do such and such, you don't really have a problem (regardless of how tough it was for you, or whether or not your anxiety may have been "low" at the time), but if you don't do such and such, then you're just a malingerer who doesn't try hard enough to improve their station.

I basically gave the finger to these kinds of statements years ago once I understood that social phobia's symptoms occur along a spectrum.

Mostly, I feel that people who say things like this are simply trying to stump you, or catch you in some kind of contradiction they've dreamed-up. They never have time to learn about what's really going on with you, but always have more than enough hours in the day to hit you with loaded, superficial questions.

Now.... give me a minute while I forward this message to everyone in my family, ha ha.

Great points!

LoL at the last sentence how did it go?

 

[MollyBeGood]

I disagree, I've read a story on here of someone who met his wife here. It may be easier if both people have SA? Maybe, I think it'd be easier if I find a girl as shy as me, I know I would feel more comfortable knowing the other person understands me.

Being with someone with empathy and compassion is really the key. I hope you find someone like this, spider.

 

[BlueDays]

lots of men are attracted to shy girls. and if the girl's attractive, then the men will just ignore any social anxiety issues the girl has and go ahead and hook up with them if only for physical reasons. sounds shallow, I know, but just think about it... you know it's true.

^ I agree with this because I have experienced it.
Some men are predators seeking out a shy girl simply because they know many shy girls often have low self-esteem. Therefore they are easy to control and manipulate into behaviour that benefits the guy.
Therefore I have only had one partner because he desired the benefits of my low self-esteem.
So judgement on whether someone has SA or not because they are in a relationship is too simplistic, as you never know what the dynamics of any particular relationship are. They are too complex and different for many people.

 

[jc972]

^ I agree with this because I have experienced it.
Some men are predators seeking out a shy girl simply because they know many shy girls often have low self-esteem. Therefore they are easy to control and manipulate into behaviour that benefits the guy.
Therefore I have only had one partner because he desired the benefits of my low self-esteem.
So judgement on whether someone has SA or not because they are in a relationship is too simplistic, as you never know what the dynamics of any particular relationship are. They are too complex and different for many people.

I'm sorry to hear that, Bluedays. You seem like such a sweet girl.

 

[R3K]

^ I agree with this because I have experienced it.
Some men are predators seeking out a shy girl simply because they know many shy girls often have low self-esteem. Therefore they are easy to control and manipulate into behaviour that benefits the guy.
Therefore I have only had one partner because he desired the benefits of my low self-esteem.
So judgement on whether someone has SA or not because they are in a relationship is too simplistic, as you never know what the dynamics of any particular relationship are. They are too complex and different for many people.

also works the other way around... I was in a real toxic semi-relationship with this coercive drugdealer chick who just needed me for my car and some fkt up detached kind of emotional reinforcement. she totally rushed me at the beginning and I cldn't say no to her advances cus hey, i'm a social phobic loser, why would I say no to anything despite the pending bad consequences obvious from the start.

this thread should be renamed "if you're in a balanced relationship, you can't possibly have SA then"

 

[BlueDays]

I'm sorry to hear that, Bluedays. You seem like such a sweet girl.

^Thanks, jc. It will never happen again, I would rather be single.

also works the other way around... I was in a real toxic semi-relationship with this coercive drugdealer chick who just needed me for my car and some fkt up detached kind of emotional reinforcement. she totally rushed me at the beginning and I cldn't say no to her advances cus hey, i'm a social phobic loser, why would I say no to anything despite the pending bad consequences obvious from the start.

this thread should be renamed "if you're in a balanced relationship, you can't possibly have SA then"

^Yes, it can definitely work both ways.

 

[shybutsexy]

Yeah i agree on this but only for guys, if you are a girl you can totally be in a relationship and have SA, since the girl is the approached one and not the one that has to take the initiative in socializing and looking for a partner, they just need to wait for someone to come to them, the guy however needs to be the "hunter", and if you have SA you are screwed.

 

[Satori_lotus]

I think it's a false statement because there are many varying degrees of social anxiety. And also some people who develop SA after they are in a relationship/married.

 

[I'm Not There]

Yeah i agree on this but only for guys, if you are a girl you can totally be in a relationship and have SA, since the girl is the approached one and not the one that has to take the initiative in socializing and looking for a partner, they just need to wait for someone to come to them, the guy however needs to be the "hunter", and if you have SA you are screwed.

I wish I could like this as if it were a post on facebook. Being an attractive guy also tends to work I think, in that case sometimes girls are willing to reverse the gender roles.

 

[bcsr]

Social Anxiety makes it harder, but you can still accomplish the things you want in life. Don't convince yourself that you can't do something.

I'm a completely different person now than I was at 20, but it took a lot of hard work. I still get sickeningly nauseous some times in social settings, but I work through it.