Would you date someone with SA?

[WeirdyMcGee]

The only person I was ever attracted to was not shy - but he did get anxiety attacks; so he understood that about me; but he was the reason I sucked it up enough to go to college and attend classes and go out amongst other people... like a normal person.
He was my rock. Perhaps it was because he didn't have social phobia, like I do?

Either way-- I don't think it would matter.
I'm not attracted to 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of people, so attraction would have to come first- SA or not.

 

[MikeyC]

Nope. You're not getting what I'm saying. It's not a choice. I can't choose to be attracted to something I don't find attractive. If I force myself to be with someone who is very shy, because I don't want to be "mean", I'm only lying to him and making myself miserable.

I met a friend of mine a few years ago. It was basically a forced meeting since we worked in the same building. Anyway, our first meeting, she could barely talk to me and she basically whispered her name. She was the shyest person I'd ever met. After time, we exchanged emails and phone numbers and now she's not shy around me at all.

I guess shyness is a temporary thing before someone's true personality comes out once they get to know you a little better, but that's not everyone.

I don't think you're mean for not being attracted to shy guys. It's a personal trait you don't like and that's fine. If a guy was interested in you, he wouldn't be too shy while around you, anyway.

 

[MikeyC]

Eh I disagree with that. Usually the girls I like the most Im the most shy around. Hence they reason I've had a girl friend.

I'm not usually shy around girls I'm attracted to...I just act the way I normally do. I don't like intimacy too much, anyway, so I secretly hope they don't like me. ::

The thing is, it's different for men and women. Men usually don't care about women having confidence, but for women that's a major factor. It's not like it's just my personal opinion, I don't go around thinking men are pussies because they are shy, but generally I just don't find myself drawn to them romantically. Maybe part of that is because men are traditionally the ones to pursue the female, and if he's not pursuing you, or if he is but he's embarrassing you with the way he's going about it, well.......

It's not something people like to hear but that doesn't change it.

No, you're absolutely right. I've heard girls say that: they like guys who are confident and have some level of prowess. That's pretty much evolution talking, I reckon. But some girls are different, so there's always someone for Timidy McShypants in the corner. You seem like the kind of girl that could be friends with a shy guy, but nothing more.

Men like assertive girls, for sure, but some men like dumb girls. I guess that's the "I'm a big, strong male" side coming out.

 

[Dead_on_Arrival]

The only reason I wouldn't want to is because generally I find it to be a turn-off if a guy is super shy. I'm not trying to sound mean, but I'd be lying if I said otherwise. If a guy has SA but does a good job of hiding it that would be one thing. But I wouldn't dismiss him because he had SA, that would be just a side-effect of it. I would dismiss him because I wasn't attracted to him, and if that is a result of him having SA, there's nothing I can do about that, I'm just not attracted to him (can't force yourself).

I think that is mean. I have been slammed by some people on here for being shallow(you know who you are!), but that is worse than anything I have said IMO. Some of the nicest most considerate people around are shy, this site is proof of it, yet you find it a turn-off, why? Surely being on this site you should realise that shyness is just a brief inconvenience you have to deal with to get to know certain people, and once you are past the shyness it is history.

oooooh, debate.

Like I said in my previous post on this thread, I married someone with sa. I know how hard it can be, from experience, to make a relationship work with someone who has the problems we all face day to day.
In part I can see exactly where Beatrice is coming from. My wife would not have become my wife, had she known from the start, that I suffered with sa as well as my other problems. She has admitted that she would have found it difficult to cope if she had to think about how to conduct her behaviour around me so as not to make my problems with my sa worse as well as dealing with her own issues, our sons health issues and a young daughter. I spent years perfecting the art of masking my problems and emotions, and did such a good job of it she never knew until earlier this year after 8 1/2 years of marriage.
On the other hand, Tino has a point. Is it acceptable to brush aside someone just because they have sa. My answer, yes and no. We all have our own minds to make up and everyones personal situation is different. If my wife were a stranger to me now and we just met, got talking and I found out about her sa and sons health problems, would I walk away. I can honestly say I would not. But with the boot on the other foot she would walk away from me due to her problems being as grave as they are. I don't think Beatrice is being mean or that her comment is shallow, but it is representative of where she is in her life right now. As we all age we change and our concept and ideals of life change with it, someday in the future Beatrices ideas of partnerships with someone with sa will probably change aswell as may mine. I may revert back to thinking I made a mistake (though unlikley) and change my life.

Moral is, each to their own......

 

[MikeyC]

Exactly. And if I'm wrong about what guys like, so be it. I'm not an expert on the male mind by any means ::

Haha, well, as it is, men are not an expert on female minds, either (especially ones that claim they are, hahaha!).

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Well, I feel that we're straying away from the original question this thread proposed--- state if YOU personally would date someone with SA and leave it at that, please.

No need to go on and on- that is when things spiral out of control and threads get locked.

 

[Phoenixx]

I don't think I'd have a problem dating someone with SA. It might be a little more awkward at first, I'd think, but once you got past that stage I think it'd be nice. They'd actually fully understand how you are, how you feel. That's just what I think though. I've never been in a relationship so I don't think I have much say in the matter.

i do prefer a guy to make the first move though, no matter how shy he is. :x eep.

^ Same here! I'm always set on the guy making the first move, but that's not exactly fair is it? Women are just as entitled to do so as men.... I'm just extremely terrified to do so. ::

 

[MikeyC]

I apologize for ruffling feathers because that wasn't my intention. I should have known better, this is a sensitive topic.

Don't apologise. A lot of threads are sensitive so it's inevitable there'll be one or two ruffled feathers.

But anyway, as I mentioned earlier, I might, but it depends on the severity. In fact, my ex suffered depression and never really felt happy a lot. Maybe I'm attracted to fractured girls? Who knows.

 

[MikeyC]

^ Same here! I'm always set on the guy making the first move, but that's not exactly fair is it? Women are just as entitled to do so as men.... I'm just extremely terrified to do so. ::

Funny that. I like the girls to make the first move. But...well, like you said, I'm terrified. ::

 

[NP88]

Hmm this thread turned a little ugly. I was asking personal opinions and really they are what they are, opinions not facts. This wasn't mean to be a definitive thread on SA dating. I understand it can be a sensitive subject, just keep the former in mind though, were all in this together. Thanks for contributing everyone though, it's appreciated.

Uhh anyway. Like some have said it seems it would be easier for a guy to date a girl with SA and not vice vera. Usually women seek confidence in a guy and generally men don't care much as to the social prowess of a girl.

Personally I find an outgoing girl to be very intimidating. Basically if they have more then a handful of friends I automatically decide that I couldn't be a in relationship with them. I feel once they find out Im a loner and don't know how to function in society then it's all over. The two personality types in my mind dont mix as they are on opposite ends of the spectrum. I at the moment can pretty much only be with someone that needs me to take care of them. I do have a great personality and I am a very caring and passionate guy but that doesn't seem to stand up to someone who has a social life.

I would like to add though that while being with someone would make me feel tremendously better right now, in the long run it would only be a bandaid. My personal issues would still be there. Which would make a breakup devastating. Its like floating on a cloud, after it's gone your going to fall back down to Earth. I guess in hindsight in just looking for someone to heal with, which seems like a very long rocky road with a very precious and undeniable gem at the end of it. Guess Im just thinking out loud.

 

[Emma03]

I would like to add though that while being with someone would make me feel tremendously better right now, in the long run it would only be a bandaid. My personal issues would still be there. Which would make a breakup devastating. Its like floating on a cloud, after it's gone your going to fall back down to Earth. I guess in hindsight in just looking for someone to heal with, which seems like a very long rocky road with a very precious and undeniable gem at the end of it. Guess Im just thinking out loud.

I agree with this. Breakups can be devastating. Especially when the other person doesn't have the same issues and can walk away like nothing happened and you are left with even less than you started with. (I'm not bitter or anything lol )

 

[Silentknight]

To be honest, I would just like to be in a relationship again. I've been single for almost 5yrs and while I know some of you may have been single longer than I have I'm only gonna be turning 20 in a few weeks so most of my dating life thus far I've spent alone, and while in some respects that may have been a good thing, it doesn't change the fact that most days I feel very lonely. So I see no good reason to exclude any female who shows any interest in me on the basis of how shy or gregarious she may be.

 

[Tiercel]

Did someone mentioned ruffled feathers?

*checks feathers*

I wouldn't seek out someone with SA intentionally, but if I ever meet someone and we get along well and care for each other, then why not? The same way I wouldn't actively seek out a woman with one arm, but if I found one I got along with I wouldn't rule her out because of it.

The more important question for me: would someone (with or without SA) date me (with or without SA)?

*shakes his tail, then flies away*

 

[Kiwong]

I am so old I need carbon dating.

 

[Littlemissteacherlady]

I have SA; by fella of three years is extremely confident and can't understand what on earth I'm rambling on about most of the time. It doesn't bother me. Sometimes I think that if you're inclined to underconfidence, it really helps to be with someone who can ground you, and inspire you.

We have had BIG rows about my SA in the past, because he doesn't understand why I can't just tell myself to be confident, and know with 100% certainty that people's opinion of me doesn't matter. He wants me to stop overthinking my condition, but as I tell him, I'm over-thinking my way out of it. I can really be myself around him, so I have no anxiety whatsover in telling him what I think - it's good for my soul!

I think we as an SA community can become extremely self-absorbed, lost in a pit of our own misery. It really helps to be with someone who can pull you back out of your bubble and remind you that IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!

I guess I still would date somebody who had SA, but I think then it would be like two crack heads living together and trying to quit...not good for recovery! Better to be with someone who challenges your condition and pushes you to be better - though it does help if they're somewhat understanding!

 

[megalon]

I certainly wouldn't turn a girl down for that reason. On the other hand, I would be understanding if she wasn't interested in me because of that. I think this whole situation is statistically unlikely in the first place. It's tough enough for one social phobic person to meet anyone, let alone another with the same condition.

 

[*Amy*]

Yeah, why not? Well, I usually feel attracted to brave, sociable and self-confident guys, but that doesn't mean I could not date someone with SA.

 

[NP88]

I think this whole situation is statistically unlikely in the first place. It's tough enough for one social phobic person to meet anyone, let alone another with the same condition.

I would have to agree with you there. Where would you meet a socially phobic person? ... Hmm.

 

[NP88]

I assumed she meant socially brave. Im pretty brave when it comes to everything with social situations being the exception.

 

[NP88]

Yeah, I seen it as socially brave = socially confident. Not the literal meaning of bravery. I totally agree with you though. Were all very brave people to deal with the issues we have.