Twiggle's Tales

[twiggle]

I've decided to hog a whole thread to myself and create a 'journal' of sorts. This will probably consist of most of the things I usually post in the 'How are you feeling' and random thoughts thread, but would rather put here because then at least people have a choice over whether or not they read it.

I've tried to write this post several times now but each time I've ended up erasing a whole wall of text about the nature of my anxiety and where it came from. Because let's not dwell on that. I'll only say that my anxiety isn't the most physically debilitating... I can go out and do all the things most people do... I'm shy but once I know people well enough I am fine to open up and mix. My anxiety is more about fear and paranoia of upsetting and losing the people I care about. And it can cause me to worry a lot. And such worry sometimes stops me from doing the things I really want to do... the things that would make my life a lot better.

Over the past year I've really managed to identify the fact that I have anxiety issues. Last Summer was a very depressing time for me but I learnt a lot from it and it all made me stronger. It made me understand myself a lot better and realise that a lot of the times in which I'm unhappy, it's because I feel I've not done enough to avoid being that way/prevent whatever made me feel that way from happening. I've noticed that if something bad happens I can deal with a lot easier if I feel as though I couldn't have done anything more to stop it.

So my idea these days is just to do my best and then whatever happens, happens. Things are never going to be easy. People aren't always going to like me (especially since I'm so "weird" haha) But whatever happens, I'll deal with it somehow.

There's no real reason to putting this journal here now exactly but I just thought I'd set it up so that it's here when I need to come back to it. Maybe over time I'll explain about why I am as paranoid as I am, or various other characteristics of my anxiety and feelings. But let's leave it here for now. I'll update this maybe once or twice a fortnight if not before... but not very often, I don't want to clog up the forum haha. Maybe I'll even delete it after a while haha.

But, hello anyway

 

[MrJones]

Twiggleee!!! Finally your own thread, I'm glad you made a journal, I can't wait to see more updates

Btw I'm glad you're strong enough to learn from the bad times. Go Ms Determination!

 

[Section_31]

Twig!! no deletion!!! id love to keep reading your journal

 

[Phoenixx]

Love the title of your thread. It's cute!

Over the past year I've really managed to identify the fact that I have anxiety issues. Last Summer was a very depressing time for me but I learnt a lot from it and it all made me stronger. It made me understand myself a lot better and realise that a lot of the times in which I'm unhappy, it's because I feel I've not done enough to avoid being that way/prevent whatever made me feel that way from happening. I've noticed that if something bad happens I can deal with a lot easier if I feel as though I couldn't have done anything more to stop it.

^ This is the same for me too. Since finding this site over a year ago and just reading everyone's personal experiences and doing my own little bit of research, I definitely understand myself and how I am so much more. It doesn't exactly sound like much put in text, (And I'm having a hard time trying to put this in words, so bare with me.) but I can actually think through my emotions/fears -so to speak- figure out the cause, and have a bit more control over my emotions. Before I was often lost in my emotions. Sometimes I didn't even know why I felt so angry and depressed. I often felt afraid and paranoid, but the exact "why" I had no idea. These emotions for me would last anywhere between an hour to even a few days. I still have my depressing days and my angry days, but at least I can handle them better than I could before.

Yes, I could benefit from actual professional help, but as that is not an option at this moment for me, I take whatever help I can here, which happens to be just talking with you wonderful people and listening to (reading?) what you all have to say. I thank every single one of you for that. Funny how simple things can help so much.

Looking forward to more posts, Twiggle! Like Gunman said, no deleting!

 

[twiggle]

Thanks guys

^ This is the same for me too. Since finding this site over a year ago and just reading everyone's personal experiences and doing my own little bit of research, I definitely understand myself and how I am so much more. It doesn't exactly sound like much put in text, (And I'm having a hard time trying to put this in words, so bare with me.) but I can actually think through my emotions/fears -so to speak- figure out the cause, and have a bit more control over my emotions. Before I was often lost in my emotions. Sometimes I didn't even know why I felt so angry and depressed. I often felt afraid and paranoid, but the exact "why" I had no idea. These emotions for me would last anywhere between an hour to even a few days. I still have my depressing days and my angry days, but at least I can handle them better than I could before.

Yes, I could benefit from actual professional help, but as that is not an option at this moment for me, I take whatever help I can here, which happens to be just talking with you wonderful people and listening to (reading?) what you all have to say. I thank every single one of you for that. Funny how simple things can help so much.

I think you did a fine job of putting that into words, Phoenixx I feel exactly the same. I don't want professional help because I don't have the funds for it nor do I think it will really help me. I counsel myself or use self-help books... just trying to figure out what I have to do. But this site in itself is a massive help, a place where I can be perfectly honest about what I think and feel. And that itself is very empowering.

 

[Phoenixx]

I think you did a fine job of putting that into words, Phoenixx I feel exactly the same. I don't want professional help because I don't have the funds for it nor do I think it will really help me. I counsel myself or use self-help books... just trying to figure out what I have to do. But this site in itself is a massive help, a place where I can be perfectly honest about what I think and feel. And that itself is very empowering.

^ Glad I wasn't confusing then! :: Hey, whatever works for you, that's great! I haven't sought out self-help books at all because I'm not sure if they would help me much. I have heard good things about them before though. Maybe I should reconsider and keep my eyes open.

 

[kilojoule]

Happy. You're always an inspiration to me

 

[MikeyC]

Good to see you've got a journal now. Sometimes we need really bad times to start to figure out where improvement is needed, and it seems like last summer was that time for you. I'm glad you're improving a lot.

As Jewel has said, you're an inspiration. Not just to her or me, but to all.

 

[twiggle]

Jewel and MikeyC - wow, thank you so much for your kind words... I don't really see how I can be inspirational but I guess one of the key characteristics of S.A is not being able to understands compliments haha.

I think one of the most important things in me trying to battle my S.A has been identifying the concept of 'inner peace', and striving it to get it. I've met a few people over the years who have an overwhelming sense of inner peace and I'd love to cultivate that within myself too. They were the most laid-back, tolerant and positive people ever. Of course they had human emotions and got upset from time to time, but they would know exactly how to stand back and rationalise a situation before it drove them insane. It's not about loving yourself, more about respecting yourself and treating yourself equally (i.e recognising when you have made a mistake, but also recognising when you haven't). My anxiety has always made me feel as though everything is my fault - I'm not loud enough, or interesting enough, or pretty enough, that kind of thing, but since really starting to work on this about a year ago I've definitely got more self-acceptance. There are still plenty of things I dislike about myself and tbh, I think it's good to have a mix, but I do hope one day I can really be at peace with myself and I think inner-peace truly means 'respecting and accepting yourself for the good AND the bad'.

I have to believe in myself because I find it so hard to believe unconditionally in anything else. I am constantly thinking about how special my family and friends are but also remembering that they may not always be there - either through death, or merely through changing and drifting apart. I mustn't be dependent on others, I just have to appreciate them whilst I have them and be the best daughter/auntie/friend I can be. It really scares me sometimes that I am never, EVER able to escape from myself, the main person I need space from from time to time. It's a bit like if you're paired up with your worst enemy for a project... you have to be able to let go of your feelings and repair them for the sake of the grade. And so, I have to get inner-peace with myself so that I can do my best for the people I care about, and not be walked over like I was by a couple of people in the past.

Ramble of the day. I don't know how long this journal will last. I don't really like to talk about myself at such great length but it is nice to have somewhere specific upon which I can record my progress. I deleted about a thousand of my earliest posts on this site because most of them were written in that dreadful phase which I'd rather wash my hands of now. That period eventually gave me hope and positivity because I was at a point when things couldn't have got much worse (well, in reality, they could have. People could have died, I could've got ill or lost a limb in an accident) but my dreams and aspirations felt dashed. I'm terrified of ever feeling that way again but know that if it does happen again then I'll just have to see it as a chance to cry cry cry and then recharge myself once again. This is life.

 

[Feathers]

Woo, Twiggle has a journal!! GO Twiggle!!

Will be looking forward to reading your ADVENTURES!!

Yup, you really ARE INSPIRATIONAL!!

I'd like to become more RELAXED too, I don't strive for much inner peace really, I think it's kinda a bit impossible in this time of Life (both with regard to world events and personal life/community etc, and my personal goals and aspiration... And I'm a hot-headed fire sign, dammit!!
Sometimes you do need to get upset to make a difference, methinks!
But here's to trying!)

Self acceptance is a good thing to strive for! I found more self-acceptance & understanding of myself and others through this site too, and through years... I think the WORST that the media/society/environment have sort of put us under is 'striving for perfection' (at least in my case) unlearning that may take a while... And yeah, bad times can be survivable too... (sometimes you need to go through bad times to better understand oneself, others and life...)

Good to hear you've learnt from bad times too & found hope & new inspiration!!

 

[MikeyC]

I've met a few people over the years who have an overwhelming sense of inner peace and I'd love to cultivate that within myself too. They were the most laid-back, tolerant and positive people ever. Of course they had human emotions and got upset from time to time, but they would know exactly how to stand back and rationalise a situation before it drove them insane.

Inner peace, eh? I think my friend has this. His roommate left in dramatic circumstances not long ago and he was absolutely fine with it, and he seems to relish the challenges it has bought him. He's probably even doing better. I think he has a lot of inner peace. It would be nice for you and I to cultivate it, as you say, but that does take time and a lot of work, mentally.

My anxiety has always made me feel as though everything is my fault - I'm not loud enough, or interesting enough, or pretty enough, that kind of thing, but since really starting to work on this about a year ago I've definitely got more self-acceptance. There are still plenty of things I dislike about myself and tbh, I think it's good to have a mix, but I do hope one day I can really be at peace with myself and I think inner-peace truly means 'respecting and accepting yourself for the good AND the bad'.

I like all this, but the bold part I especially like. Having a mix shows the world you're confident in who you are, but you also understand and realise you're not perfect and are open to improvement. That's a humbling view of yourself and the world, in my opinion.

Ramble of the day. I don't know how long this journal will last. I don't really like to talk about myself at such great length

Most of the reason why I don't have one.

Also, Feathers: You need to post a lot more. I love your writing style!

 

[twiggle]

Thanks for your comments, guys Journal honeymoon-period right now, writing every day in here it seems... will probably aim to do it once-a-week in future.

Inner peace, eh? I think my friend has this. His roommate left in dramatic circumstances not long ago and he was absolutely fine with it, and he seems to relish the challenges it has bought him. He's probably even doing better. I think he has a lot of inner peace. It would be nice for you and I to cultivate it, as you say, but that does take time and a lot of work, mentally.

Definitely, I'll be happy just to reach inner-peace right before I die if it came to that! But if I can get it earlier, that'd be even better. I've got some of the way there already... I had to do something to move on from being the shivering wreck I was for most of my life, doubting everything I did.
I just want to get what I deserve - how much or how little that is, I don't know, but I won't get anything at all if I don't take these chances and do and say the things I really want to, which SA usually stops me from saying.

Today wasn't the best of days. A conversation with a friend made me realise how different I am to most other people my age, and not necessarily in a good way. Sometimes I just feel so alien to everybody else and I look back and remember I've always felt that way. But it's okay. We're all different, we all have our own little quirks. Some people probably see me the way I see everybody else.

And when I start to feel down about one thing, I feel down about everything else too...Bah. The paranoid thoughts creep back in.
In the same conversation, the friend and I were reminiscing this friend we used to have who wasn't very nice. Years ago she would often tell me I was boring, annoying and had no back-bone/sheep-like. She even made jokes about how I should end my life. This was 10 years ago, I think I've changed since then but... I often wonder, how do people irl really see me... or if my friends will someday turn into enemies like she did.

But then I remind myself of something else I've learned over the years lately. People, and comments, should more often than not just be taken with a pinch of salt. I'm the kind of person who always seems to want answers but... life isn't black or white. It's complex. A muddy shade of grey into which various other colours can mix. Maybe the answer is, 'There is no answer'. And maybe the key is that we should stop looking for them.

I wish I didn't get so paranoid about what other people really think, but its easier said than done when the people involved are people whom you really care about.

All we can ever do is be ourselves and say and do the things we truly think and feel. S.A stops me from saying and doing the things I truly think and feel sometimes. And that's what needs to stop.

 

[Feathers]

oh gosh, that 'friend' from the past really seems like a...??

Aren't friends supposed to be FRIENDLY?? helpful and amazed at who we are and such??

(We know our imperfections well enough, or our family/others may tell them to us, but FRIENDS are supposed to cheer each other UP!! & root for each other!!)

That 'friend' seems like a really miserable person and possibly 'drama queen' or such??
Why was she hanging out with you if she was thinking those thoughts about you??

Or maybe she was jealous secretly, or just had a bad day and then said things like this, or wanted to manipulate you into doing something potentially dangerous/reckless??

No wonder you felt bad after 'reminiscing' about her!! Yikes!!

In 4th grade or so, insults may be 'in' and a gesture of 'friendly' behavior, but above that age-??

Maybe she wanted to be 'helpful' but seriously yikes??

/rant over/ Hope you feel better soon!!

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Oh, twiggle. I'm sorry about that. That "friend" needs to learn a few things and I'm glad that you ditched her. Just because you had a hard time talking to others isn't even close to a good enough reason to die.

I think the answer to "How can I stop being so paranoid about how others view me?" has to do with putting our opinions first. Let our thoughts about ourselves be sovereign and others be subordinate. You can listen, but you can also reject their thoughts. You have supreme authority over yourself and your "self-portrait". Then, it's all a matter of having a positive view of ourselves. And I'm sure you can do that twiggle.

 

[twiggle]

Thanks guys.
She was going through some hard-times and I tried to help her out, that's why I stuck by her, but she took all the rubbish out on me (remained lovely to everybody else) and said some horrible things about me to our friends. She even went through a stage of referring to me as, 'the joke'.... A few years later she told me she'd only done so because I "seemed like the only one who'd put up with it".

It was too long ago now to still feel fury about it, its forgotten for the most part, but speaking about it with my friend today... I remembered how I used to be really outgoing with people before that. I was never afraid to initiate contact, but since knowing her I got really, really paranoid. I was very hurt by all of it, trivial though it all sounds nowadays. I 'repaired' for the most part when I went to Uni and met new people. To even be thinking about it again seems like a waste of finger-movement but its interesting looking back and identifying that as one of the causes of my anxiety. Because since then, even though I believe the friends I have nowadays are much, much better than that, I still worry that maybe I'll get it wrong again. There's always this underlying worry that maybe they too, one day, will suddenly go mad on me without any explanation whatsoever. That's why I hold back from people sometimes and back away from people who are too forward with me. But then I know and recognise that I really ought to reciprocate/make that effort back/

Anyway. I'm feeling better now since posting earlier. I've had some time to relax and chill out with some deep breathing and the new Mates of State album. So all is well.

I think the answer to "How can I stop being so paranoid about how others view me?" has to do with putting our opinions first. Let our thoughts about ourselves be sovereign and others be subordinate. You can listen, but you can also reject their thoughts. You have supreme authority over yourself and your "self-portrait". Then, it's all a matter of having a positive view of ourselves. And I'm sure you can do that twiggle.

Absolutely stellar advice, Deadman. That's what I believe in too, having more faith in myself so that I'm less likely to feel as paranoid and concerned in what others think.

Thank you

 

[MikeyC]

People, and comments, should more often than not just be taken with a pinch of salt.

Oh, if only. If only.

Sorry to hear the conversation bought up some negative feelings but it seems like it also bought up some rational ones, too.

 

[twiggle]

I know it's soon to be writing again but... I had that day yesterday, you know that one that comes along once in a while and gets you agonising and worrying about your life and the direction it's headed in, and generally feeling sad and anxious and annoyed. I mean, right now I'm genuinely happier being single as I think it keeps my life-options open but then I started to wonder what it may be like a decade or two down the line if I'm still single. (I'm not an easy-fit. I am fussy and would rather be alone than with somebody that doesn't feel right for me). How will I feel about that? Because already, as much as I probably shouldn't, I'm beginning to feel insignificant alongside those who are getting engaged and pregnant. This feeling would be a billion times more intense a few more years down the line, as more and more people my age settle down. The usual me wouldn't really be caring about this and would be reminding myself about how if I don't have children I can spend more of my money on plane tickets... (travel is my passion) but in the past couple of days I've felt more anxious than normal, so I've been wondering about the above.

And when I'm in this kind of mood, I agonise over everything, and I mean everything. I even think about things that happened years ago. I do what Dale Carnegie calls, 'sawing sawdust'... regretting and worrying over things from the past that cannot possibly be changed. And then I worry about the present, then too the future. Last week proved to me that I don't have to worry about things in order for them to be okay, but I still find myself worrying...or at least, I have done over the past couple of days. I think it's because I'm expecting something important right now but having to wait and waiting makes me nervous.
Overall I think I've got better with the whole 'worrying' thing... in recent months I've found it within reason to cast my worries aside and keep going in positive spirits, and I know that constant movement and being busy is the key to not worrying. But I hate it when I revert back to feeling like this, it feels like I never improved at all. I feel inferior next to everybody else. I feel like I'm boring because I'm so laid-back (on the outside). I feel ugly and as though I'm not a good person to be seen with. Contrary to the me-me-me nature of this journal, in real life I never really like to talk about myself that much, especially not my problems. I feel like I don't have 'pizazz'. If only I could be one of those fun, outgoing people who makes everybody smile with their energy. I used to be quite hyperactive and I miss those days. I miss being young in general. I miss being 24... best year ever.

I learnt something today though. Went to work in an horrendous mood, was annoyed at the fact it's always grey and wet in the town I work in, cross about being woken up by a text from my friend at 4:30am in which she was moaning about her immature, tantrum-throwing boyfriend again... and have a few concerns about my job so was dreading going in. But today I just got on with the work, really threw myself into it, and realised that I mustn't let my concerns over the terms and conditions of the role disturb the fact that I love the organisation and what it stands for and I love the part I have to play in it. I hate the fact that sometimes I can be so ungrateful of these important things just because my stupid anxiety makes me worry about all the niggling little things.

I have to stop giving so much attention to the things I get anxious about but when I'm in this kind of mood my mind just creates so many theories and suggestions and reasons and what ifs and whys and it drives me crazy.

I need to exercise.

 

[Phoenixx]

...I'm beginning to feel insignificant alongside those who are getting engaged and pregnant.

^ I haven't been out of high school a year and I already feel like this. Quite a handful of people from my graduating classes (I went to a high school and a tech school) are already engaged/married, and some have even had a kid already or have one on the way. It's crazy!

I even think about things that happened years ago. I do what Dale Carnegie calls, 'sawing sawdust'... regretting and worrying over things from the past that cannot possibly be changed. And then I worry about the present, then too the future.

^ I'm a pro at worrying. I always find myself worrying about things that have happened in the past, dwelling on them, and then it usually ends up ruining my mood for the day. If I'm not worrying about the past, I'm worrying about the future, I'm always trying to plan ahead and then I worry if I'll ever accomplish what I want. It's weird, but very rarely am I ever in the present, thought-wise. It's either past or future. Seems like I never usually focus on what's right in front of me. The best thing that keeps me from dwelling and actually makes me focus is distraction. Always with distraction, whether it's this site, browsing the internet, cleaning, listening to music, drawing, watching tv, anything that keeps my mind busy.

As far as exercise goes, yoga and meditation are the best for me. I'm not an athletic person at all, but yoga I enjoy very much and taking that class last semester was the best thing for me. I really should get back into it again. I haven't done any at all since the last day of class back in December.

 

[MikeyC]

I know it's soon to be writing again but... I had that day yesterday, you know that one that comes along once in a while and gets you agonising and worrying about your life and the direction it's headed in, and generally feeling sad and anxious and annoyed.

Oh, you mean those days I live through every day?

I'm beginning to feel insignificant alongside those who are getting engaged and pregnant.

^ I haven't been out of high school a year and I already feel like this. Quite a handful of people from my graduating classes (I went to a high school and a tech school) are already engaged/married, and some have even had a kid already or have one on the way. It's crazy!

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Having children or getting engaged or married are just things people do and there's no law saying you have to go out and do it in a certain time frame. And with you two not having children or fiancees/husbands, that leaves you unattached and free to do whatever it is you want (traveling, as twiggle has said). Can't do that with a lactating baby!

 

[twiggle]

^ I'm a pro at worrying. I always find myself worrying about things that have happened in the past, dwelling on them, and then it usually ends up ruining my mood for the day. If I'm not worrying about the past, I'm worrying about the future, I'm always trying to plan ahead and then I worry if I'll ever accomplish what I want. It's weird, but very rarely am I ever in the present, thought-wise. It's either past or future. Seems like I never usually focus on what's right in front of me. The best thing that keeps me from dwelling and actually makes me focus is distraction. Always with distraction, whether it's this site, browsing the internet, cleaning, listening to music, drawing, watching tv, anything that keeps my mind busy.

This is exactly what I do tooooo. I think it's so important to just be 'in the present'. It's what I try and do but then it's also good sometimes to prepare for the future, and learn from the past. The difficult part is finding a balance for all three.

As far as exercise goes, yoga and meditation are the best for me. I'm not an athletic person at all, but yoga I enjoy very much and taking that class last semester was the best thing for me. I really should get back into it again. I haven't done any at all since the last day of class back in December.

Yoga is brilliant not only for physical aspects but for having that time to focus on your body and breathing. I did it for a spell last Summer, in the midst of my depressive phase. The teacher went away for a few weeks and then I never returned because I was out of the bad phase and felt that going back to that hall would remind me of everything again. You should definitely get back into it again, because it sounds like you really enjoyed it.

Oh, you mean those days I live through every day?

I hope you're doing okay Mikey, but feel free to PM me anytime. I don't like the thought of you feeling this way.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Having children or getting engaged or married are just things people do and there's no law saying you have to go out and do it in a certain time frame. And with you two not having children or fiancees/husbands, that leaves you unattached and free to do whatever it is you want (traveling, as twiggle has said). Can't do that with a lactating baby!

There is no law, that's right, but I don't think the idea of not getting married and a family is accepted enough in society, seems to only be a modern thing, especially for women. I guess there's no point speculating too much now, who knows what will happen. I hope I just make the most out of everything.

Well, the past week has been alright! Highs and lows and mediums.
I have a bit of a sore-throat now but had a fun weekend.

It seems as though lately a few things have happened that have bothered me a bit - news or other things I haven't really wanted to hear, setbacks etc. They upset me but then I realise that all of these things can actually be empowering. I spend too much time worrying and fearing things, and then when they happen... so what? Life goes on and it's another worry that you've managed to deal with, you're not as afraid of it anymore. It can be crossed on the list. The best way to get over fear, is to go through it. Live it and come out the other side else stay stood there motionlessly, just staring it. Maybe that can't be applied to all fears, but it can for most of my paranoia-induced ones. I'm starting an experiment lately... doing the opposite of what my anxiety tells me to... it seems to be working alright so far, we'll see how it continues!

Anyway, getting too deep. Must get back to work