the "whatever" journal

[w*n*c*a*m]

I just wanna go home and forget I have ever started this. The loneliness is too much. I don't care about other people. Those who are important to me are the only one that matters. And it's been too long. And nothing's happening yet. And I can't wait any more.

I want to go home.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I am feeling so restless and depressed lately. Can't sleep well, have no motivation to do anything. I am extra conscious and sensitive with others. Have no energy to go to work or school. I just wanna stay in my room but I've been staying here all the time. I know not getting up would make it worse but I just can't do it. Even eating and going to the toilet is a burden. Right now, my mind is saying, get up, have a shower, go to school. But I feel this anxiety that hinders me to take action. That's why I'm here, to release this emotional tension in me.

But I'm sick of this. I'm sick of the world and the people. They're not doing anything bad to me but I hate that their existence reminds me of my social incapacity over and over again. I want to live in a world where it's just me and those people who matters. I want to work somewhere I don't have to face people all the time. I want to be a kid again and make everything right. I am saying random things, yes, because I don't know what to think and feel anymore.

I want to stop living... for now. I won't take my life away. I'll never do it. Not anymore, since I've been given the reason to live. I just want to not do anything at all. To not think about anything for a long long time. I want to put myself in a long hibernation, to disconnect myself from the world entirely. Because I can't take this endless battle. I need to rest and I'm very very tired.

 

[laure15]

I also have days where I don't feel like doing anything at all. No motivation, urge, desire, etc. Just sit back, relax, and just be. Time stood still for a moment there. Then I have to "wake" myself back up and resume life.

Disconnecting from the world, even for just a moment, is a great feeling. I recommend doing yoga, meditating, or lying there with eye closed and not thinking of anything.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Alteast you could pull yourself to do some yoga and meditation. But my mind is just plain acting crazy. I can't or I won't do it... I don't know what it is anymore. If I'm a computer, I just want to press that red button to reset myself coz everything in me is an error. I'm corrupted, I can't function well, I am overheating, I am at the point of breaking down entirely.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I am seriously finding a way to get out of this trap. Right now, I'm considering three things.

(1) Make myself angry. Find some people who will provoke me so I'll feel that adrenaline rush and confidence. BTW is there a scientific explanation about Madness and SA?

(2) Embrace the booze. I am no alcoholic nor like the taste of beer. The closer I could get is drinking red wine with less than 70 percent alcohol. I did get drunk before but not too drunk to make me forget myself and do stupid things. I don't even believe I'm capable of losing myself entirely to alcohol. But now I am tempted to like it. Maybe it would sedate me. But I'm afraid I would get addicted. But right now I am very very very tempted.

(3) Drugs same as number two. But where can I find one? Plus I'm too chicken the authority might catch me. But like I said, I am very very very tempted. Maybe if some random guy offer me a sniff of it for free or in a low low price, I probably would take it. That's how desperate I am today.

But see, they're all negative. I just can't embrace any positivity right now. I want a quick treatment. I'll even self medicate if I have access to those anti-anxiety drugs. Guess, I am really that sick now.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Winja! Where are you when I need somebody to talk to!! Let's talk about nonsense things. Anything under the sun! God! I'm so glad I have my own thread or I'll end up flooding the SPW site.

Do you know what I am frikkin doing now? Taking all phone calls even if I know they're from sales marketing people. Because I feel so fcked up I don't think there would be worse than this, not even messing up on the phone. I'm like sabotaging myself now. And yes, I sounded confident. Not friendly like my usual sweet *gag on the floor* voice but confident. Maybe a bit impatient. Maybe a bit in a hurry but confident. Atleast that's what I think! And yes, I'm going crazy.

I called sickie and the manager asked if I'm not feeling well. I said no but I have other appointments to do. But really, I want to tell her that I am more than sick than the flu or the colds. I am sick all over. it can't be treated with medicine all alone. I need a character reconstruction or something. Everything in me needs to be changed. I can't believe how I get to survive living with my sick self. It's like getting forced to kiss and embrace your greatest adversary everyday.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

You know what I wanna do at this moment? Ask SPW people to hangout with me. Let's all fck up and act crazy. Forget everything that is worrying us. Let's go to some house, just drink and play loud music even if we dont feel like dancing. Maybe just lying on bed together, holding our beer, speaking out everything that we want to say, getting drunk, maybe even puking on the floor, but we'll be too drunk to think about it. Maybe we'll even laugh it out. We'll cry if we want to. Just let our hearts out coz we wouldn't care what other people think. We'll go to some restaurant and eat anything that we like. I'll go with girls and we'll do makeovers. We'll flirt with guys not really hooking up. Non-smokers would try to smoke for once, like me. And then we'll cough, and we'll laugh because we're coughing. We'll go to the nude beach and run while stripping our clothes, plunging to the cold water. We'll laugh coz it's crazy and we're naked. Then we'll yell out loud coz we're happy, maybe not truly happy but free, and we dont fcking care.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Wow man,,,, I'm really getting worse. Now I'm stuck fishing compliments in Facebook by posting my lame breakfast. And now I'm refreshing my page like several times. Somebody drag me away from this computer. I'm getting more pathetic every time.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I am literally running to answer the phone calls. For some weird reason, it's making me feel better. I've always been anxious answering the phone but this self sabotage is actually working. Hahahahah!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I feel so bad about my condition. Sometimes, people are nice to me and I really really want to befriend them but I hesitate because I feel like I'll appear trying hard or fake, and also because I get intimidated by their kindness sometimes. I feel like, I shouldn't trust them that easily because they might be fakers. So I act like my usual quiet and aloof self and I'm worried that they might misinterpret it that I hate them or something... actually, I feel that they know I'm kind'a avoiding them. It's not that I hate them but I'm anxious to interact with them because I don't know how to start a conversation. I hate myself now because they are really nice people and I like them but I act otherwise.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I'm feeling so hopeless....

 

[MikeyC]

I'm feeling so hopeless....

This sentence made me read some of the comments you've posted.

Don't "embrace" drugs and alcohol like you were considering. Seriously, it will just make everything worse. Nothing good can come of that except more debt and a dependence on a substance you will invariably hate.

I like the idea of the SPW hang-out session, although puking on a bed doesn't sound nice at all.

Like you mentioned earlier, you want to call your boss and tell her that while you're not physically sick, you're mentally too sick to work. I have had that thought, too, but we both know our bosses are not going to allow that. Perhaps you could use up some annual leave and have some "you" time.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I know about the alcohol and drugs but sometimes I feel so sick and tired of feeling anxious all the time that I just want to get away from it. You know it's like a monster chasing me nonstop and the quick escape route is to jump off the 3rd floor window even if it meant injuring me after.

Anyway, I didn't do it mostly because I'm too chicken and it's too costly. Somehow, I should be glad that I grew up in a peaceful environment. I imagine myself in this condition living in a horrendous place... I would probably be a real drug addict and alcoholic now or committed suicide.

Lol now that you've mentioned it, puking on bed or floor is really gross... so, let's make it 'puking in the toilet then' haha

It's funny just to imagine that phone scenario... my boss might think I'm a cuckoo. But nah, can't even take annual leave coz I'm a casual worker. I'm not even sure if I wanna be permanent coz of my unpredictable sickies. It's not often though but it means I'd be required to get medical certificates and how would I do that if my complaint is 'emotional/ mental'??? Gah! So being a casual is a convenience for me. And believe me, I have lots of 'Me' time but when anxiety kicks in and it so happens that I have work that time... ahh... it's the most horrible feeling.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Oh my god! Somebody just confessed that he likes me and it's quite a surprise. Most of the time I get the vibes when somebody's interested in me but I didn't even notice it from him coz we don't often speak to each other. And when we do chat, it's just about casual stuffs and I didn't notice any sign of affection from him. Well, he does stutter a lot but I just thought it's his physical weakness.
Anyway, I feel quite bad because I said I have a boyfriend but I did tell him that we can be good friends. A part of me wished that he didn't confess to me coz I'll feel a bit awkward when I see him again.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I feel so terrible again. I think I am really depressed these days. I feel hopeless and helpless. I am a failure and a coward. I have nothing to be proud of. I am a fake. I hate myself. I am ugly. I am full of envy. People don't like me at all. Of all the people, why me? Why am I so anxious? Why can't I fight my biological predisposition? There's no such thing as a real person. We can think, we can decide, yes, but we're doing it because of our physical self gave us that capability. If your brain ****s up, you can't do anything at all but act crazy. You become nothing but a breathing person who does stupid things. Now I'm blaming everything to Science. That is so lame! But who can explain what I'm feeling now? I am perfectly logically thinking that nothing's wrong but my ****ed up brain says yes and it's affecting me emotionally. I look at the mirror and all I see is an ugly girl. A very ugly one. Not just the physical but everything in me.

 

[chev]

I feel so terrible again. I think I am really depressed these days. I feel hopeless and helpless. I am a failure and a coward. I have nothing to be proud of. I am a fake. I hate myself. I am ugly. I am full of envy. People don't like me at all. Of all the people, why me? Why am I so anxious? Why can't I fight my biological predisposition? There's no such thing as a real person. We can think, we can decide, yes, but we're doing it because of our physical self gave us that capability. If your brain ****s up, you can't do anything at all but act crazy. You become nothing but a breathing person who does stupid things. Now I'm blaming everything to Science. That is so lame! But who can explain what I'm feeling now? I am perfectly logically thinking that nothing's wrong but my ****ed up brain says yes and it's affecting me emotionally. I look at the mirror and all I see is an ugly girl. A very ugly one. Not just the physical but everything in me.

Much of what you described here is how I feel. Just minutes ago I was looking in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth, screaming at myself in my head and picking at every single thing there is to pick at. Lately, I've been feeling extra helpless and depressed. I've always hated myself, but now I just cannot scrounge up even one positive thing about myself to focus on. I used to try to tell myself that I could get somewhere in life, despite my shyness and ugliness. However, that kind of thinking is dead for me. I consider myself so ugly and worthless that I don't even feel human. There are times when I feel as though I don't even exist, and not in just the sense that people don't notice me. It's one of those other things that's difficult to explain, but I think you'd probably understand what I'm saying. It's as if I think that I don't exist, and so nothing should matter. When I feel all the pain and anxiety, I wonder why I have to feel it if I shouldn't exist or matter.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Much of what you described here is how I feel. Just minutes ago I was looking in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth, screaming at myself in my head and picking at every single thing there is to pick at. Lately, I've been feeling extra helpless and depressed. I've always hated myself, but now I just cannot scrounge up even one positive thing about myself to focus on. I used to try to tell myself that I could get somewhere in life, despite my shyness and ugliness. However, that kind of thinking is dead for me. I consider myself so ugly and worthless that I don't even feel human. There are times when I feel as though I don't even exist, and not in just the sense that people don't notice me. It's one of those other things that's difficult to explain, but I think you'd probably understand what I'm saying. It's as if I think that I don't exist, and so nothing should matter. When I feel all the pain and anxiety, I wonder why I have to feel it if I shouldn't exist or matter.

We truly connect on that. Sometimes I feel like I'm existing just because and that's it. I have lots of things to say but my emotion is so filled up of negativeness (is there such a word?) that i dont know where to start.

 

[jaim38]

Some people suggest starting an achievements journal as well as a gratitude journal. THat's what I'm doing. I don't know if this will help but I'm willing to give it a try. I think I'm physically ugly so I try to focus on other things like my intelligence and character.

 

[neardeath]

Some people suggest starting an achievements journal as well as a gratitude journal. THat's what I'm doing. I don't know if this will help but I'm willing to give it a try. I think I'm physically ugly so I try to focus on other things like my intelligence and character.

I am a total fan of the positive journal. I have a paper journal and I write down all the cool stuff I do, all the risks I take. No whining, just the good stuff. It proves to me that I have more of I life than I realize.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Yeah... I've written some nice entries here, but I guess I've used SPW as a medium for ranting more than anything else. It's the main reason why I created this journal instead of scattering my negative thoughts in the whole SPW thread.

But that's a good idea, a positive journal. I just feel a bit awkward with that because I feel like I'm showing off or bragging. Maybe it's just me coz I'm not really that good in receiving compliments... still something to do with my almost non-existent self esteem. Oh well...