the "whatever" journal
- Thread starter w*n*c*a*m
- Start date
ok... I'll write something positive which happened just now.
My partner messaged me from work saying 'Honey, I'll call you now. As in right now'....
That made me curious of course ... then my phone rang and my paranoid self immediately said "Honey, why are you calling now? What happened? What's up? Are you drunk?".... (I know the last statement was silly coz there's no way he'll get drunk at the start of his shift and his not really the drunkard type... just me being too random :bigsmile
Anyway, it made him laugh and said... "No, I just want to hear your voice, that's all"
And I was like "huh?"
And he said "Why? I'm already tired, my voice is husky for too much talking and lots of clients are still waiting... so I want to talk to you for a little while."
My too logical brain immediately thought... he is tired so why would he talk to me instead, isn't it better to just rest his voice? it doesn't make sense. And this is international call, why would he call just for this? oh god, he does really sound tired...
So all I said was "Really?"
And he said "Yes"
And it finally dawned on me that I am happy,,,, really absolutely totally happy.... I couldn't help grinning and I was like "Honey! I miss you already!.... blah blah blah (nonstop)" And he's laughing and talking obviously amused with my reaction.
So there... I'm in a much livelier mood again.
My partner messaged me from work saying 'Honey, I'll call you now. As in right now'....
That made me curious of course ... then my phone rang and my paranoid self immediately said "Honey, why are you calling now? What happened? What's up? Are you drunk?".... (I know the last statement was silly coz there's no way he'll get drunk at the start of his shift and his not really the drunkard type... just me being too random :bigsmile
Anyway, it made him laugh and said... "No, I just want to hear your voice, that's all"
And I was like "huh?"
And he said "Why? I'm already tired, my voice is husky for too much talking and lots of clients are still waiting... so I want to talk to you for a little while."
My too logical brain immediately thought... he is tired so why would he talk to me instead, isn't it better to just rest his voice? it doesn't make sense. And this is international call, why would he call just for this? oh god, he does really sound tired...
So all I said was "Really?"
And he said "Yes"
And it finally dawned on me that I am happy,,,, really absolutely totally happy.... I couldn't help grinning and I was like "Honey! I miss you already!.... blah blah blah (nonstop)" And he's laughing and talking obviously amused with my reaction.
So there... I'm in a much livelier mood again.
this is not about me... but about something i learned recently.
Probably you know her already. I'm talking about Talia. I've seen several of her videos and she's just so full of life. She is beautiful even without the hair. And it's mostly her attitude that I admire. I know she has cancer but I can't help but feel that tinge of jealousy.. not the sickness but the way she manages life.
I mean here I am, a very capable person but I cant really say that I have a life. But here's this girl who's just hanging there but she can show herself happy in front of many people not even hiding her baldness.
And that makes me feel so bad... if only i have that confidence. If only im not suffering to this condition. I dont know sometimes I say that SA is more cruel than cancer. Maybe physical pain is not too bad compared to pain of the soul. I am not taking cancer lightly, mind you. im just saying that there's this girl... her life would end soon... but I can say that with that short life, she has lived.. like really really lived life to the fullest. Because real life is going out and exploring the world,,, meeting new people,,, maybe not making a lot of friends but just being there,,, having that comfort to do what you wanna do... participating with what life's got.
But here I am... a young adult... and probably would grow older as my granny... but if I die today... if I die soon... it would be a bitter death. If life is a chocolate bar... Talia has eaten 80 percent of it... but I've only taken a bite and never really tasted.
I'm not saying this to depress people with SA... I guess I should put a warning at the top. It's just me talking. The real me in my own journal expressing my private thoughts that is not so private really.
And I just realized that this is not about Talia, but me relating myself to her.
I heard that she's almost on the end of her journey. And even if I dont know her and only read about her for some time... I feel bad. So bad coz she has lots of potential. There's this girl who deserves a better life. Makes me think of all these cruel people who lived and still living and then a girl like Talia has to die of cancer. Just shows how unfair life is. I know this fact is no rocket science but still... I can't help saying... Life is really unfair.
Probably you know her already. I'm talking about Talia. I've seen several of her videos and she's just so full of life. She is beautiful even without the hair. And it's mostly her attitude that I admire. I know she has cancer but I can't help but feel that tinge of jealousy.. not the sickness but the way she manages life.
I mean here I am, a very capable person but I cant really say that I have a life. But here's this girl who's just hanging there but she can show herself happy in front of many people not even hiding her baldness.
And that makes me feel so bad... if only i have that confidence. If only im not suffering to this condition. I dont know sometimes I say that SA is more cruel than cancer. Maybe physical pain is not too bad compared to pain of the soul. I am not taking cancer lightly, mind you. im just saying that there's this girl... her life would end soon... but I can say that with that short life, she has lived.. like really really lived life to the fullest. Because real life is going out and exploring the world,,, meeting new people,,, maybe not making a lot of friends but just being there,,, having that comfort to do what you wanna do... participating with what life's got.
But here I am... a young adult... and probably would grow older as my granny... but if I die today... if I die soon... it would be a bitter death. If life is a chocolate bar... Talia has eaten 80 percent of it... but I've only taken a bite and never really tasted.
I'm not saying this to depress people with SA... I guess I should put a warning at the top. It's just me talking. The real me in my own journal expressing my private thoughts that is not so private really.
And I just realized that this is not about Talia, but me relating myself to her.
I heard that she's almost on the end of her journey. And even if I dont know her and only read about her for some time... I feel bad. So bad coz she has lots of potential. There's this girl who deserves a better life. Makes me think of all these cruel people who lived and still living and then a girl like Talia has to die of cancer. Just shows how unfair life is. I know this fact is no rocket science but still... I can't help saying... Life is really unfair.
Nope... this is not my usual drama. This is just me and my random thought speaking. I am supposed to write it in my other journal (the non-SA one... yes I'm not always this depressed) but I'm already here so why not... and as you can see I really have to explain everything. :bigsmile:
So my topic is about Japanophiles. Not it's not like Pedophiles... it's about these people who are so addicted to everything about Japan. (Anime, kawaii stuffs, food, language, culture... you name it)
I don't really mind that they love Japan soooo much and I wouldn't say that it's totally awesome but I understand why it's appealing to many. But it irks me when these japanophiles act and breathe like they're real life Japanese characters!
Maaaan! I admit I was an anime fan... and if you'll ask me to watch anime with you I would gladly say yes still. But some people are just tooooo extreme that it is annoying. Fine, you like kawaii things, you like to dress and act cute too but when you're consistently acting like a 6 year old and use that oooohhh so annoying baby voice... (not to mention that I'm tolerating how you always do the peace sign and this frikkin anime pose)... seriously, that is way too much and you are officially a freak. Then these guys have to use their made up Japanese name in Facebook. What's worse is when it's a dude who does this kawaii thing. Ugh! (eg.consistently acting like he's Luffy... keyword 'consistently)
And yes Japanese love doing the peace sign and they love cute things but they still act normal! They say 'kawaii' and 'sugoi' and everything just amazes them sometimes but they don't bounce like a toddler and definitely not pose like an anime. Some of them even shudder when AKB48, Arashi and some animes are mentioned... it's like totally uncool to be tagged as one,,, think of Justin Bieber. And do you know what they call these freaks in Japan? Otakus! And some of these anime freaks even think that it's a compliment and they are so proud of it! But in Japan... it is actually an insult. And what's more ridiculous is that they don't even look Asian at all. And I'm not saying that you should be an Asian to be a japanophile. Again, nothing's wrong with being one whether you are Asian or not. It's just that when some of them becomes an anime freak... and act like a toddler... these non Asian freaks look worse compared to the freaky Asians.
And don't think that I'm just being a snob. Believe me, I am even partly Otaku. I have attended cosplays (though I've never worn a costume... too costly lol) , I have collected lots of anime stuffs, I know how to read the Hiragana and Katakana, I can still sing some Japanese songs :bigsmile:, and yes I did the peace sign, I used to have a Japanese username, I got obsessed with an anime character... BUT! I didn't act like an idiot. And I believe that you can be a japanophile without behaving like a deluded anime character.
So my topic is about Japanophiles. Not it's not like Pedophiles... it's about these people who are so addicted to everything about Japan. (Anime, kawaii stuffs, food, language, culture... you name it)
I don't really mind that they love Japan soooo much and I wouldn't say that it's totally awesome but I understand why it's appealing to many. But it irks me when these japanophiles act and breathe like they're real life Japanese characters!
Maaaan! I admit I was an anime fan... and if you'll ask me to watch anime with you I would gladly say yes still. But some people are just tooooo extreme that it is annoying. Fine, you like kawaii things, you like to dress and act cute too but when you're consistently acting like a 6 year old and use that oooohhh so annoying baby voice... (not to mention that I'm tolerating how you always do the peace sign and this frikkin anime pose)... seriously, that is way too much and you are officially a freak. Then these guys have to use their made up Japanese name in Facebook. What's worse is when it's a dude who does this kawaii thing. Ugh! (eg.consistently acting like he's Luffy... keyword 'consistently)
And yes Japanese love doing the peace sign and they love cute things but they still act normal! They say 'kawaii' and 'sugoi' and everything just amazes them sometimes but they don't bounce like a toddler and definitely not pose like an anime. Some of them even shudder when AKB48, Arashi and some animes are mentioned... it's like totally uncool to be tagged as one,,, think of Justin Bieber. And do you know what they call these freaks in Japan? Otakus! And some of these anime freaks even think that it's a compliment and they are so proud of it! But in Japan... it is actually an insult. And what's more ridiculous is that they don't even look Asian at all. And I'm not saying that you should be an Asian to be a japanophile. Again, nothing's wrong with being one whether you are Asian or not. It's just that when some of them becomes an anime freak... and act like a toddler... these non Asian freaks look worse compared to the freaky Asians.
And don't think that I'm just being a snob. Believe me, I am even partly Otaku. I have attended cosplays (though I've never worn a costume... too costly lol) , I have collected lots of anime stuffs, I know how to read the Hiragana and Katakana, I can still sing some Japanese songs :bigsmile:, and yes I did the peace sign, I used to have a Japanese username, I got obsessed with an anime character... BUT! I didn't act like an idiot. And I believe that you can be a japanophile without behaving like a deluded anime character.
Something positive
Last week we had an oral report in class. I still felt nervous as usual but I noticed that I am more confident now than when I was in highschool and college.
I used to go totally blank before and stuttered a lot... but since last year, I had done maybe 3 oral presentations and I was getting better and better. Last week was a confirmation that it's possible not to have panic attacks when in front of class.
Last week we had an oral report in class. I still felt nervous as usual but I noticed that I am more confident now than when I was in highschool and college.
I used to go totally blank before and stuttered a lot... but since last year, I had done maybe 3 oral presentations and I was getting better and better. Last week was a confirmation that it's possible not to have panic attacks when in front of class.
It's about work... I really want to give up with my career. This is not for me. I can't be competent in this field at all because I'm not good in communicating with people. It's all my fault because I know from the start that my ability is not related to this. But I didn't follow my heart. And I feel like it's too late.
I can't take this any longer. I hate it when some coworkers indirectly mock me about being quiet and not communicating with them. I can't blame them because I don't speak most of the time. I just want to finish my work without getting into trouble. I should not be dealing with people. I should be working with computers like what I originally wanted.
But what now? Should I study another 4 years? I'm sick of this nonstop studying. If I can bring back the time, I wouldn't let anyone influence me at all.
I hate this, I want to quit now but I can't. I hate people. They are all fake. I don't belong in this society. I can be happy if only I can choose the people whom I want to mingle with. Not like this where I have to be fake and pretend to be polite and nice.
It's almost summer but am getting more depressed with the sunlight ... I know it's weird but I am more of a 'dark, black, night' person. No, I'm not a goth or emo, I'm just an average looking girl. But ever since I was young, I was never a fan of brightness and daylight. The window's always closed and the lights off. I was often referred as the pale girl. My dad often complains that my room has no good ventilation. I have no phobia to lights, I just prefer it that way. I feel more calm and relaxed when it's dark.
I transferred to a new house, the place and the landlady is good. I've been here for more than a year. But summer is always a pain. The window is made of glass and it's covered with a cream colored curtain. When the sun is up, it turns the curtain bright orange.
I like the summer heat, but I prefer the cloudiness of winter. *sigh*
... I know it's weird but I am more of a 'dark, black, night' person. No, I'm not a goth or emo, I'm just an average looking girl. But ever since I was young, I was never a fan of brightness and daylight. The window's always closed and the lights off. I was often referred as the pale girl. My dad often complains that my room has no good ventilation. I have no phobia to lights, I just prefer it that way. I feel more calm and relaxed when it's dark.I transferred to a new house, the place and the landlady is good. I've been here for more than a year. But summer is always a pain. The window is made of glass and it's covered with a cream colored curtain. When the sun is up, it turns the curtain bright orange.
I like the summer heat, but I prefer the cloudiness of winter. *sigh*
So I'm back again. And I bet you know why? lol. Yeah right, I'm here for the ranting (as usual)
Ok, so there's this colleague who's been known for being bitchy and she bullies me at work. Sometimes I retaliate back, sometimes I try to annoy her too but she's more aggressive and nastier than me. Since she's the extrovert type, she gets to manipulate others to turning to her side. Now yesterday, I unfortunately have to work with her and there was this moment where I felt I should have done something but I didn't. She was mimicing my behavior while one colleague was laughing with her. I just ignored her and kept myself busy. But till I got home, I had this feeling that I should have stood up for myself. I don't know if I did the right thing by ignoring her,,, or I've just let myself be bullied.
You see, before I react to provocative things, I think several times first before responding because I have a really nasty temper when I'm mad. And I have to do lots of self control to not get her into my nerves. But still, I couldn't help being upset now that I'm home. I felt like I got myself f*ck*d up... and it was my fault for tolerating her. What made it worse is the laughing colleague. So yeah, I feel so bad right now like I totally deserve that treatment since I didn't defend myself.
This is the kind of moment when I feel so totally worthless then I get depressed but there's this hidden revenge in my heart that is just waiting for the right timing.
I just want to make myself feel better. I want to forget what happened yesterday. Maybe writing here would make it go away... err... eventually.
Ok, so there's this colleague who's been known for being bitchy and she bullies me at work. Sometimes I retaliate back, sometimes I try to annoy her too but she's more aggressive and nastier than me. Since she's the extrovert type, she gets to manipulate others to turning to her side. Now yesterday, I unfortunately have to work with her and there was this moment where I felt I should have done something but I didn't. She was mimicing my behavior while one colleague was laughing with her. I just ignored her and kept myself busy. But till I got home, I had this feeling that I should have stood up for myself. I don't know if I did the right thing by ignoring her,,, or I've just let myself be bullied.
You see, before I react to provocative things, I think several times first before responding because I have a really nasty temper when I'm mad. And I have to do lots of self control to not get her into my nerves. But still, I couldn't help being upset now that I'm home. I felt like I got myself f*ck*d up... and it was my fault for tolerating her. What made it worse is the laughing colleague. So yeah, I feel so bad right now like I totally deserve that treatment since I didn't defend myself.
This is the kind of moment when I feel so totally worthless then I get depressed but there's this hidden revenge in my heart that is just waiting for the right timing.
I just want to make myself feel better. I want to forget what happened yesterday. Maybe writing here would make it go away... err... eventually.
^I know in some way, if I've stood up I would feel a bit of satisfaction. At the same time, I don't trust my emotions. I easily get pissed with people. It's just me. I learned to control myself not to get everything into my nerves, because that's how people with healthy EQ would do...that's the mature and responsible way to react.
However, with extreme things like this, I don't know if I should still follow that 'be calm' policy or I should fight back. Like in that situation, 'She could deny that she's not mimicing me' coz it's an indirect mockery... I will only look foolish... so I just ignored her. But on the other hand, I couldn't help but feel like I've been harassed and I should not tolerate that kind of treatment. I don't know if I did the right thing or not, what I only know is that I feel upset till now and it's not healthy. It's not her that I'm more mad of but myself.
Seriously, if I'll go into 'I don't care about sh*ts' mode, I'll easily go snappy at her. And that's what I try to avoid coz I can be very emotional, I might do stupid things that would torment me for life.
However, with extreme things like this, I don't know if I should still follow that 'be calm' policy or I should fight back. Like in that situation, 'She could deny that she's not mimicing me' coz it's an indirect mockery... I will only look foolish... so I just ignored her. But on the other hand, I couldn't help but feel like I've been harassed and I should not tolerate that kind of treatment. I don't know if I did the right thing or not, what I only know is that I feel upset till now and it's not healthy. It's not her that I'm more mad of but myself.
Seriously, if I'll go into 'I don't care about sh*ts' mode, I'll easily go snappy at her. And that's what I try to avoid coz I can be very emotional, I might do stupid things that would torment me for life.
Yeah, staying calm and focused on the task at hand is the mature way. Sometimes when I ignore bullies, they just leave me alone afterwards. But many times, they keep pestering me, becoming even bolder with their actions. So what do we do when bullies escalate things, even without us provoking them?
People tell me I should fight back, or at least tell some authority figure. But without friends to count on, I know I'd be outnumbered and lose the fight. I'm not sure, but ignoring things almost never helps.
People tell me I should fight back, or at least tell some authority figure. But without friends to count on, I know I'd be outnumbered and lose the fight. I'm not sure, but ignoring things almost never helps.
Actually I read that if you are outnumbered by bullies, the best way is to ignore or not fight with them especially if there's a great chance you'll be attacked physically. But if you have friends with you then go for it! LOL... (Easily said than done, I know). Calling authority figures would be helpful too.
In my case, it's something that I should handle myself. It's not too major to get authorities' attention... like in that case, I was outnumbered too and there'll be no witness in case I take action. *sigh* This is getting silly I know. I should stop thinking about what happened but I really can't move on with the fact that I've let her/them treat me that way. Or am I just being immature... emotionally? I'm sure confident people won't be too bothered by that. It really sucks to be me sometimes.
Well, it's nice to hear somebody who can relate with me. Thanks.
In my case, it's something that I should handle myself. It's not too major to get authorities' attention... like in that case, I was outnumbered too and there'll be no witness in case I take action. *sigh* This is getting silly I know. I should stop thinking about what happened but I really can't move on with the fact that I've let her/them treat me that way. Or am I just being immature... emotionally? I'm sure confident people won't be too bothered by that. It really sucks to be me sometimes.
Well, it's nice to hear somebody who can relate with me. Thanks.
It's january 2014 and I'm still the same person with roller coaster emotions. My insecurity is killing me. Why wasn't I born with the confidence genes? You see me and my bf was chatting on Skype when his mom came and so I said hello. Then she commented, 'she's getting prettier' and then my bf blurted out laughing 'it means you were ugly before'... i just laughed with him but seriously it's making me feel so bad right now.
I admit that I'm pretty vain with my looks. I'm not saying I'm gorgeous but I always want to look attractive and the way my bf said that irks me a lot even if he was just joking. And so I'm looking at my Facebook pics now and all I think is 'Yeah, I look pretty but those are fakes. I just choose the good looking pics of myself but really I am so ugly in person' and then I looked at my bf's ex pics and see how truly pretty she is so I started to feel inferior again. And then I noticed how she's the typical extrovert type of person which made me more depressed because even if I become pretty, I would still be the lonely loser. I'll only end up as the girl with the pretty face.
And I realized that if I only have confidence, my looks wouldn't matter to me at all. It's depressing because the only thing I hold on to is my frikkin face. So if one day I become totally ugly, what would that make me? I'll be nothing.
I'll be the ugly girl with a boyfriend and a family. with no real career. no real friends. and a socially awkward personality. And oh yeah, I've got the body... which would add to the insult since people call slim girls with and ugly face as 'Shrimp'! You eat the body but you throw the head. Get it?!
Please kill me now.
I admit that I'm pretty vain with my looks. I'm not saying I'm gorgeous but I always want to look attractive and the way my bf said that irks me a lot even if he was just joking. And so I'm looking at my Facebook pics now and all I think is 'Yeah, I look pretty but those are fakes. I just choose the good looking pics of myself but really I am so ugly in person' and then I looked at my bf's ex pics and see how truly pretty she is so I started to feel inferior again. And then I noticed how she's the typical extrovert type of person which made me more depressed because even if I become pretty, I would still be the lonely loser. I'll only end up as the girl with the pretty face.
And I realized that if I only have confidence, my looks wouldn't matter to me at all. It's depressing because the only thing I hold on to is my frikkin face. So if one day I become totally ugly, what would that make me? I'll be nothing.
I'll be the ugly girl with a boyfriend and a family. with no real career. no real friends. and a socially awkward personality. And oh yeah, I've got the body... which would add to the insult since people call slim girls with and ugly face as 'Shrimp'! You eat the body but you throw the head. Get it?!
Please kill me now.
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I finally admitted to him my insecurities and how I feel bad about myself. We ended up arguing... not really a heated angry argument but more of him convincing me that I'm judging myself out of proportion.
Before we ended the conversation, he has sent me this link Joey Mclntyre~ Stay The Same - YouTube
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God, I love him so much.
Before we ended the conversation, he has sent me this link Joey Mclntyre~ Stay The Same - YouTube
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God, I love him so much.
Scrabbl
1
It's so nice to hear that you two are so happy with each other. He sounds like a keepr.
You know I recently went back to read some of the journal entries I wrote years ago, and it really made me appreciate how lucky I am to have met some of the people in my life.
There's this one friend I met in college, he was the first person that I could open up to. I remember this one night, the two of us sat in a 24-hour coffee shop and talked late into the night about everything, including long-kept secrets that I had never revealed to anyone.
I think we connected so well because we both felt so alone in college where everyone else seemed to be drinking, partying and having the time of their lives. But at least we had each other's company and we could laugh about what losers we are.
I've never had a conversation like that with anyone again, neither before nor since. Even though I get pissed off at my friend sometimes, I'll always remember the times we shared. I must treasure those moments because I may never find someone like this again.
The fact that you could talk about your issues with your bf seems to me like you two have found something similar. It's not easy for us introverts to open up and let people in. So you should reeally treasure what you have found.
Another thing is, I used to be exactly like you. I had really bad confidence issues. I was not at all comfortable in my own skin. Always felt like I had to pretend to be something else for people to like me.
But it does get better. For me, it got better when I found something I'm passionate about; something I was good at that people appreciated me for. This was a very important turning point. Before this point, people mostly approached me because I was not bad looking and I seemed "nice". but you know the thing with self-image is that it's unpredictable. One day you feel like you look good, but the next day you feel ugly. So in the end, you gotta ground your sense of self-worth on something solid and indestructible, like some kind of talent or personality trait that you could offer to the world.
I hope you will find peace and happiness one day!
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Heyyyyy! Scrabbl you're back!!!!
Guess what?! I am getting married soon!
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Now it makes me smile whenever I read my past entries about him. Those things I've written are a compilation of my truest emotion. I remember how I used to doubt 'that popular guy' but now he's the closest person in my heart and soon to be his wife.
That's why I returned here just to announce my big event... not that people here care but hey this is my journal. LOL
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I'm glad you had that 'turning point'... how I wish I get to achieve one too and gain more confidence.
lol next time maybe :bigsmile: