But it doesn't erase the fact that I'm in a state of sh1tinnes still. Pondering about what's happening to my life right now, one thing comes into my mind: I'm tired of life.
I'm tired of endlessly dealing with people whom I don't really care much. I'm constantly forced to live in this pretentious life.
I'm thinking, "Am I that cold and heartless?" then I realize, "No." Coz when I'm talking alone with some of my client, when nobody's looking at me, I talk to them, despite the limitation of my language skills, I talk to them, really talk to them. I laugh and smile and totally connect yet in a silent way because all I get from them is a smile that is saying 'yes. i appreciate you'.
and I hate it because it shows that I only feel comfortable with these people because I know that they are very welcoming. That they won't respond in a badly manner. and even if they do, i know that they don't really mean it because they are restricted by their own incapacity.
I'm also tired of my constant struggle of wanting to reach my career goal which i'm not even sure if i truly like. i guess doubting it in the first place means that i dont really like it at all. but still i pursued it. why? because i was brainwashed? it sounds appealing? it's more practical? i have to take advantage of the opportunity? because they'll be more proud of me? because i'm unsure of what i really want? it all ends up to that fact, right? that i don't really know what i like. or maybe i know but i am too coward to start it because im afraid if i fail, there's nobody to blame but me. but if i fail on this present goal, atleast i can say that my heart's not really into it.
I'm also tired of doing the same thing. Of constantly entertaining myself for this false 'happiness'. i've spoiled my self of food, games, internet, books, dvds, everything that I want. But nothing satisfies me at all. They're like drugs and alcohol, they won't linger long. When you become sober again, the truth slaps you in the face again. you're not happy, you thought you are but you're not.
i'm tired of staying alone far from my loved ones. I don't care much about new friends. Yes I did meet lots of acquaintances and friends. I've hang out with them. I wasn't a total hermit. I did appreciate them. I did enjoy time with them. But like the dvds, games and stuffs. they're just my temporary escape and maybe my mask. i'm here, people see my pictures, they think i'm having an adventure, i can't say those smiles in my pictures are fake because at that time, i did enjoy all of it. But those things are superficial. All I really want is to be with those who really matters to me. And I hate that in able to achieve my goals, to maybe reach that success that society dictates, that people call 'happiness and stability and all the ****s', i have to be far away from them. and what i hate most is because those people that i love seems to encourage me to keep on doing this. they thought it's for my own good. and i can't blame them. it's so easy to say that i wanna go home. but if i do. everything will be wasted. it's not just the money. it's the effort. it's everybody's effort. the time. everything.
but really do these things matter at all? what if I suddenly die from some freak accident or one of them dies? all of these struggles will be nonsense. and the saddest part is, i have spent this life doing nothing but focus on that goal. it will be a 'what if' scenario. what if i stayed home. what if i followed my own heart? what if i didn't let them pressure me. what if i didn't let society pressure me? maybe i would die not as successful but at least I get to say that I spent my life with my loved ones.
am i not being too melodramatic? and then i realized that maybe if i had a real achievement, no matter how sh1tty it is, it's this journal. this journal that i created and maybe made a bit of difference to SPW by opening t doors for people to share their life too. And maybe when I die. Atleast I get to say that a few people, these people who has/had read and been reading this journal, knows the real story of my life. From the beginning when I was still an awkward student till the day when I've finally found my job, my love, and everything beyond it. You don't know me. I don't know the people who's been reading this. But that's the magic of this journal, I guess.
