the "whatever" journal
- Thread starter w*n*c*a*m
- Start date
ahh... it's so exhausting thinking of how miserable your life is.
So today, you decided to see your life as a film. You chose comedy. Yes, comedy is the most suitable option. In comedy, no matter how sh1tty the character and his life is, it would make you laugh because that's what makes it funny.
For example, the character's pet dog died by chasing a ball on the middle of the road and getting hit by a car. In a comedy, no matter how horrible the idea of a dog's death, you don't cry but even laugh out loud. You laugh at the stupidity of that dog's death
But shift the setting into drama. The anticipation that there's a car passing. The slow motion of that moment when the dog's been hit. Then that sad music which reminds you of your own dog and the feeling of losing one
So yeah, you choose comedy. You are the character of your own film. But you're not really there. You are your own audience. And you're shown different clips of that girl's miserably comic life.
The Clip:
She's looking at that computer again. She's bored so she checked her boyfriend's account.
* Funny background music*
She's going to search for his bf's ex again
His bf and the ex are not friends anymore but she found her anyway.
She's that good in Facebook stalking.
She checked the ex's profile pic, she saw that she has 50 likes in that one picture available to the public.
The ex is gorgeous.
Then the girl cried.
The girl pressed the back button to remove that offending picture.
Then she pressed forward button to see the picture.
She pressed the back button.
She pressed the forward button.
And she did it several times before she logged out
and cried again.
And that's when the audience laughed out loud. :lol:
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Now don't try to switch that to drama or else... :
:
So today, you decided to see your life as a film. You chose comedy. Yes, comedy is the most suitable option. In comedy, no matter how sh1tty the character and his life is, it would make you laugh because that's what makes it funny.
For example, the character's pet dog died by chasing a ball on the middle of the road and getting hit by a car. In a comedy, no matter how horrible the idea of a dog's death, you don't cry but even laugh out loud. You laugh at the stupidity of that dog's death
But shift the setting into drama. The anticipation that there's a car passing. The slow motion of that moment when the dog's been hit. Then that sad music which reminds you of your own dog and the feeling of losing one
So yeah, you choose comedy. You are the character of your own film. But you're not really there. You are your own audience. And you're shown different clips of that girl's miserably comic life.
The Clip:
She's looking at that computer again. She's bored so she checked her boyfriend's account.
* Funny background music*
She's going to search for his bf's ex again
His bf and the ex are not friends anymore but she found her anyway.
She's that good in Facebook stalking.
She checked the ex's profile pic, she saw that she has 50 likes in that one picture available to the public.
The ex is gorgeous.
Then the girl cried.
The girl pressed the back button to remove that offending picture.
Then she pressed forward button to see the picture.
She pressed the back button.
She pressed the forward button.
And she did it several times before she logged out
and cried again.
And that's when the audience laughed out loud. :lol:
------------------------------------------------------
Now don't try to switch that to drama or else... :
:
Last edited:
I have lots of things that I wanna do. Everyday, I feel this anxiety that I am not accomplishing anything for myself because I am doing other things that I am expected to do.
I feel like time is not enough. If I can, I don't wanna go to sleep anymore so I can give that extra time for myself instead.
But I'm not only bound with social responsibilities. There's money involved that is just enough to sustain myself.
I don't even know what I really want. I do have an idea and I've spoilt myself with those things but I still feel like I haven't accomplished anything at all. That all I'm doing are nonsense.
I can't explain it very well. I'm not talking about career. I'm talking about my personal goal. But even that goal is vague. I feel that I have more things to contribute, that I have to put more effort to explore my potentials but my current preoccupations are preventing me from doing it.
I have my long breaks. I can start if I want to. But I'm only good in the beginning but I never finish or maintain it because I become impatient or I feel like I wont succeed anyway. But deep inside, I know that if I'll put more effort, I would be able to reach it.
The problem is I want to do all those things. I want to have my own time. But I get so overwhelmed that I hesitate to continue it. And they are mostly petty things that takes time.
What do I want?
I want to make a 'film effect' music video.-- I've done some and they thought it was impressive for an amature or for just a hobby. However, I want some thing that will make me really proud. I have those things in mind but it needs real effort and I dont think i have the energy for it.
I want to be a successful blogger-- I have started several blogs and even earned small amount of cash but I got tired after or i lack inspiration.
I want to be beautiful and fashionable-- Since I was a kid, I know that I have the interest for fashion. I have designed clothes and made different paper dolls with personalized clothes inspired from anime and magazines. However, I don't apply it to myself. The closest thing that I can express my fashion sense is when I have to attend a special occasion where I am obliged to buy a special dress.
Why can't I? Because of money. They say money is no object for fashion. I agree. But I dont have the drive to apply it for myself because I am soooo thrifty and I dont think I can wear them confidently.
That includes beauty. I know that I can improve my looks. Tell me I'm vain but I really want to achieve a flawless face and hair. I don't aim for plastic surgery. I don't want to look like a model. I just want to appear really neat and classy.
I want to change my hairstyle, I want to make my skin healthier, I want to make my face not tired looking and dehydrated. But I'm just tooo lazy to start.
I want to work in a medical field where I'll only work with things not people.--- I thought of working in a laboratory but it means that I have to study again and Im sooo tired of studying and I feel like im wasting time and money again.
I want to start working in the IT industry-- This is my dream ever since but like i said, i dont have the energy, time and money to study again. I don't even know what particular field I want to be in. I also know that it's a highly competitive industry and i dont wanna start all over again.
I want to build my own website-- like blogging, i have my ideas but i just couldnt apply it yet.
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all i can say is that I'm an artist. I like beauty and creativity. but so far, all i've done in life is read books, watch movies, create videos and make blogs and work in a career that is soooooo not me.
What I wanna do is to focus my life to something that I really want to do and not just make it a hobby but really earn a living.
But Im too lazy, Im too overwhelmed, Im not inspired enough... it's easier to not put any effort at all and just go for the flow. But as a consequence I'll always feel frustrated, unsatisfied, and empty inside.
I feel like time is not enough. If I can, I don't wanna go to sleep anymore so I can give that extra time for myself instead.
But I'm not only bound with social responsibilities. There's money involved that is just enough to sustain myself.
I don't even know what I really want. I do have an idea and I've spoilt myself with those things but I still feel like I haven't accomplished anything at all. That all I'm doing are nonsense.
I can't explain it very well. I'm not talking about career. I'm talking about my personal goal. But even that goal is vague. I feel that I have more things to contribute, that I have to put more effort to explore my potentials but my current preoccupations are preventing me from doing it.
I have my long breaks. I can start if I want to. But I'm only good in the beginning but I never finish or maintain it because I become impatient or I feel like I wont succeed anyway. But deep inside, I know that if I'll put more effort, I would be able to reach it.
The problem is I want to do all those things. I want to have my own time. But I get so overwhelmed that I hesitate to continue it. And they are mostly petty things that takes time.
What do I want?
I want to make a 'film effect' music video.-- I've done some and they thought it was impressive for an amature or for just a hobby. However, I want some thing that will make me really proud. I have those things in mind but it needs real effort and I dont think i have the energy for it.
I want to be a successful blogger-- I have started several blogs and even earned small amount of cash but I got tired after or i lack inspiration.
I want to be beautiful and fashionable-- Since I was a kid, I know that I have the interest for fashion. I have designed clothes and made different paper dolls with personalized clothes inspired from anime and magazines. However, I don't apply it to myself. The closest thing that I can express my fashion sense is when I have to attend a special occasion where I am obliged to buy a special dress.
Why can't I? Because of money. They say money is no object for fashion. I agree. But I dont have the drive to apply it for myself because I am soooo thrifty and I dont think I can wear them confidently.
That includes beauty. I know that I can improve my looks. Tell me I'm vain but I really want to achieve a flawless face and hair. I don't aim for plastic surgery. I don't want to look like a model. I just want to appear really neat and classy.
I want to change my hairstyle, I want to make my skin healthier, I want to make my face not tired looking and dehydrated. But I'm just tooo lazy to start.
I want to work in a medical field where I'll only work with things not people.--- I thought of working in a laboratory but it means that I have to study again and Im sooo tired of studying and I feel like im wasting time and money again.
I want to start working in the IT industry-- This is my dream ever since but like i said, i dont have the energy, time and money to study again. I don't even know what particular field I want to be in. I also know that it's a highly competitive industry and i dont wanna start all over again.
I want to build my own website-- like blogging, i have my ideas but i just couldnt apply it yet.
------------------------
all i can say is that I'm an artist. I like beauty and creativity. but so far, all i've done in life is read books, watch movies, create videos and make blogs and work in a career that is soooooo not me.
What I wanna do is to focus my life to something that I really want to do and not just make it a hobby but really earn a living.
But Im too lazy, Im too overwhelmed, Im not inspired enough... it's easier to not put any effort at all and just go for the flow. But as a consequence I'll always feel frustrated, unsatisfied, and empty inside.
Today is not about me, it's about my partner.
Ever since, he has a passion for basketball. He was a varsity player and an MVP, played in company league, you name it. But last year, I think he overdid it. He had a pain in his wrist. We thought it's just a normal strain so he didn't pay attention that much.
Then he became busy at work and only played games occasionally. He said he felt that pain whenever he shoots. But maybe because he didn't play that much , he just shrugged it off.
So after a year, he started to get a little active again and that's when we started to worry. So he had a check-up and the doctor said he needs to take meds and use wrist support. The meds will just relieve the symptoms but it cannot be cured so his wrist wont be back to it's 100 percent state. In other words, he cannot play basketball anymore. If he wants, he can still do
'assists' but not the 'shooting' and that makes it more frustrating.
So my partner told me that he's so disappointed but it's ok if he has to stop playing. But I know it's not ok for him. I know that he blames himself. I saw him wear his wrist support and do the 'shooting motion' several times. Maybe trying to see if he could get away with the pain or it would suddenly diminish.
Seeing him do that makes me feel so sad. He's my little boy who's toy has been taken away too soon. To think that he's been telling me that someday, we'll have a son and he'll teach him. :sad:
Ever since, he has a passion for basketball. He was a varsity player and an MVP, played in company league, you name it. But last year, I think he overdid it. He had a pain in his wrist. We thought it's just a normal strain so he didn't pay attention that much.
Then he became busy at work and only played games occasionally. He said he felt that pain whenever he shoots. But maybe because he didn't play that much , he just shrugged it off.
So after a year, he started to get a little active again and that's when we started to worry. So he had a check-up and the doctor said he needs to take meds and use wrist support. The meds will just relieve the symptoms but it cannot be cured so his wrist wont be back to it's 100 percent state. In other words, he cannot play basketball anymore. If he wants, he can still do
'assists' but not the 'shooting' and that makes it more frustrating.
So my partner told me that he's so disappointed but it's ok if he has to stop playing. But I know it's not ok for him. I know that he blames himself. I saw him wear his wrist support and do the 'shooting motion' several times. Maybe trying to see if he could get away with the pain or it would suddenly diminish.
Seeing him do that makes me feel so sad. He's my little boy who's toy has been taken away too soon. To think that he's been telling me that someday, we'll have a son and he'll teach him. :sad:
even with the wrist support, he still feels the pain when he tries to shoot. :crying:
Two weird things happened today.
1. My partner's mom cheerfully talked to me and even joked with me. It was all of a sudden. I was talking to my partner online when his mom passed and suddenly gave a very cheery 'Hello wingcharm! And started a conversation with me' I was tongue tied at first, I was like "Errr... Hi" And gave the best smile that I can manage. And he was obviously surprised too. Me and his mom didn't have a fight or anything. But remember I mentioned her before? When my partner introduced me to his parents and they just acted plain, not snob but not entirely friendly too. After that my anxiety went over to the top and so I didn't visit his house again nor had a chance to see his mom for the second time since she went overseas. So after almost 3 years we've met again, so imagine my shock when she acted entirely different from the first time we met. But I'm glad she greeted me since I'm too chicken to reach out to them.
2. One colleague said that he heard a lot of positive things about my work performance. They sound so unbelievable it's almost a joke. Ok, I agree that I am hardworking because I don't stop till I finish my work. I don't do extra breaks because if I finish early it means I can relax early too. In short, my motivation is my laziness. :bigsmile: My quality of work is just average. So the exact words he said that they said is that I am 'quick, way better than the average, and quiet'.... I agree with the quiet part. LOL that I can't deny. But to be called quick and efficient? I didn't see that coming. Seriously, I think he is or they are exxagerating. But anyhow, it's good to hear even if it's not entirely true.
1. My partner's mom cheerfully talked to me and even joked with me. It was all of a sudden. I was talking to my partner online when his mom passed and suddenly gave a very cheery 'Hello wingcharm! And started a conversation with me' I was tongue tied at first, I was like "Errr... Hi" And gave the best smile that I can manage. And he was obviously surprised too. Me and his mom didn't have a fight or anything. But remember I mentioned her before? When my partner introduced me to his parents and they just acted plain, not snob but not entirely friendly too. After that my anxiety went over to the top and so I didn't visit his house again nor had a chance to see his mom for the second time since she went overseas. So after almost 3 years we've met again, so imagine my shock when she acted entirely different from the first time we met. But I'm glad she greeted me since I'm too chicken to reach out to them.
2. One colleague said that he heard a lot of positive things about my work performance. They sound so unbelievable it's almost a joke. Ok, I agree that I am hardworking because I don't stop till I finish my work. I don't do extra breaks because if I finish early it means I can relax early too. In short, my motivation is my laziness. :bigsmile: My quality of work is just average. So the exact words he said that they said is that I am 'quick, way better than the average, and quiet'.... I agree with the quiet part. LOL that I can't deny. But to be called quick and efficient? I didn't see that coming. Seriously, I think he is or they are exxagerating. But anyhow, it's good to hear even if it's not entirely true.
Sometimes I think that because I've been sad all my life, I couldn't identify sadness anymore. Like I am so used to it that sadness becomes my normal emotion and the only time I recognize 'sadness' is when I am truly depressed.
I'm saying this because I can't say that I am happy or atleast content with my life. I don't really need achievements or extreme wealth to feel that way but I just know that I am living a very very sad life.
It all comes down to confidence issues. I am never comfortable with myself. I always doubt my decisions when it comes to relating to people. I always feel the need for approval. I can't really be myself because I hate myself. I hate my genes.
I feel like I am satisfied with everything except my personality. I've got the brain, my physical features are not bad, my family are quite stable financially, I've got a loving boyfriend, I have work etc. ... but all of it I can't enjoy just because of one thing, this one thing that wasn't given to me, this one thing that people have even the dumb ones, this one thing that prevents me from being happy.
I'm sick of people saying that confidence can be easily managed. It's so easy to say when you're not the type of person who easily blush when struggling for words. A colleague just ask you 'What's the name of that person?' then you quickly panic and blush even if you are aware that you shouldn't be experiencing it. Something just fell on the floor, you'll blush. The hell! If I don't blush maybe I can atleast pretend that I am not affected.
But seriously, these guys who said that confidence is easy can only say that because they don't have a screwed up brain. It's natural for them. They can be quiet, then can be shy, they can be loud, they can be rude, they can be a weirdo... but they are still comfortable with themselves because they have the confidence genes.
I know confidence can be developed but a normal person shouldn't be struggling like me this much. It's frustrating.
Why wasn't I born with it like my sister? Why? Of all the people why me?
I have so much things to contribute. I have lots of potentials. But I can't show it because I'm too chicken, I'm easily distracted and pressured, my nervous energy is up high.
I hate myself. I hate hate hate myself and all the people who is making me feel worse. I want to torture them in my mind. I know I won't be a psycho killer but sometimes I understand those quiet individuals who are often bullied and suddenly massacre random people. I can feel their hate. Maybe theirs was too much that they can't take it anymore, they erupt like a volcano and just explode the hate around them.
But my mind is sicker than that coz I don't want bullies to die. I want them to live but tortured for the rest of their lives. I want them to despair while I'm directly looking at their face and showing them that I am entertained.
I know I sound like a monster right now. But if I can't take my revenge, atleast I get to release it in writing. Way better than those socially awkward turned psycho killers.
And you know what makes me more horrible? It is that sometimes, no most of the time, I feel like those killed bullies deserve it.
I'm saying this because I can't say that I am happy or atleast content with my life. I don't really need achievements or extreme wealth to feel that way but I just know that I am living a very very sad life.
It all comes down to confidence issues. I am never comfortable with myself. I always doubt my decisions when it comes to relating to people. I always feel the need for approval. I can't really be myself because I hate myself. I hate my genes.
I feel like I am satisfied with everything except my personality. I've got the brain, my physical features are not bad, my family are quite stable financially, I've got a loving boyfriend, I have work etc. ... but all of it I can't enjoy just because of one thing, this one thing that wasn't given to me, this one thing that people have even the dumb ones, this one thing that prevents me from being happy.
I'm sick of people saying that confidence can be easily managed. It's so easy to say when you're not the type of person who easily blush when struggling for words. A colleague just ask you 'What's the name of that person?' then you quickly panic and blush even if you are aware that you shouldn't be experiencing it. Something just fell on the floor, you'll blush. The hell! If I don't blush maybe I can atleast pretend that I am not affected.
But seriously, these guys who said that confidence is easy can only say that because they don't have a screwed up brain. It's natural for them. They can be quiet, then can be shy, they can be loud, they can be rude, they can be a weirdo... but they are still comfortable with themselves because they have the confidence genes.
I know confidence can be developed but a normal person shouldn't be struggling like me this much. It's frustrating.
Why wasn't I born with it like my sister? Why? Of all the people why me?
I have so much things to contribute. I have lots of potentials. But I can't show it because I'm too chicken, I'm easily distracted and pressured, my nervous energy is up high.
I hate myself. I hate hate hate myself and all the people who is making me feel worse. I want to torture them in my mind. I know I won't be a psycho killer but sometimes I understand those quiet individuals who are often bullied and suddenly massacre random people. I can feel their hate. Maybe theirs was too much that they can't take it anymore, they erupt like a volcano and just explode the hate around them.
But my mind is sicker than that coz I don't want bullies to die. I want them to live but tortured for the rest of their lives. I want them to despair while I'm directly looking at their face and showing them that I am entertained.
I know I sound like a monster right now. But if I can't take my revenge, atleast I get to release it in writing. Way better than those socially awkward turned psycho killers.
And you know what makes me more horrible? It is that sometimes, no most of the time, I feel like those killed bullies deserve it.
MikeyC
Well-known member
Confidence is a difficult one. It can be learned but it's not easily obtained. You say you've got it pretty good in other aspects of your life, but this one issue is stopping you. Devote time to try and work on your confidence issues, like with a psychologist or something, and you'll be discovering your potentials in no time.
MY CONFESSION:
I badly need professional help. My parents should have noticed this since I was young. I hate them for lacking this knowledge. I hate my narrow minded culture regarding mental health.
I know that my condition is hereditary. Im not saying that I was born to have it but I know that my genes is prone to having SA or AVPD. I got it from my dad's lineage. My grandfather is known to be socially shy, my dad is the same too. I don't know about my grandpa but I see that my dad is able to function fairly well. Despite his aloofness, he knows how to interact with people when needed, he is able to host a party, he knows how to be assertive. I'm thinking that maybe it helped that he is a male because it's more acceptable for them to be silent.
I think being female, which is genetically more emotional, made that part of my father's genes worse. Maybe bad parenting also caused it.
When I was very young, my family loves teasing me and making me jealous about my younger sister. They often joke that 'my sister is more adorable and love her more than me' so I would start having tantrums then they'll start laughing. I know now that their intention is just for entertainment and maybe they find me cute when I get jealous but my young brain didn't understand it that time especially that they've done it fairly often.
When I was in elementary I became a bratty, spoiled kid. I often bully my sister and I was so short tempered when she makes mistakes. I even physically hurt her like pinching or slapping her or say verbally abusive words.
My sister never fought back coz she's scared and she's naturally good hearted. Because of that, my mom often spank me terribly.
Now, I'm trying to understand her why she did it, but that time, spanking is kind of acceptable for disciplining a child. I never thought that she was becoming abusive. I just realized the extent of her punishment when I was older and my grandma told me that she threatened my mom to call the police if she sees me with bruises next time.
Don't get me wrong, I know my mom loved me. I just felt that she has a short temper when it comes to me because I was stubborn, shows hostility and even speaks back sometimes. I know if I see that kind of child, I would also get so mad. I'm not justifying what my mom did. But I understand her because I also have a short temper when it comes to very naughty kids.
I also behaved badly to my older relatives and cousins that I started to have this bad reputation. I'm pointed out as the bad daughter, niece or cousin. I've always been selfish to my sister. When there's a new toy, I always want to get the nicer ones. I'm often lectured for being mean to my her but I couldn't help it.
When I come to think of it, maybe I became like that because of how they treated me. They've taught me to be jealous to my sister so I grew up hating her so much and being hostile to them. And because they hate me, I started hating myself too.
When I started schooling, I was the exact opposite of myself. I was so quiet, self conscious and scared of my teachers. I always feel like peeing but too afraid to ask permission so I pee on my chair instead which only added to my shame. The nice thing is that my classmates were all nice. I couldn't remember them teasing me about peeing in class.
From first grade to 3rd grade I was social. I was still the goody goody, shy and quiet student in class but I can't say I was socially awkward. Actually I just acted that way because I want to be an ideal student and loved by my teachers for being obedient. But I sometimes had the urge to goof around like my other classmates. I enjoyed break time so much because I get to play with my friends and classmates. I even danced in front of the class during events.
Oh and then there's one annoying memory of my mom. I practiced dancing in front of her and she laughed at me like she felt embarrassed of my performance. She even said "maybe you shouldn't perform in class since you really look silly" in the most gentle manner. Maybe I did look silly but I was a kid, gosh, she should've encouraged me.
Anyway, even before the dancing thingy, maybe when I was in Grade 1 or 2, I've showed her my singing skills. I tried imitating her favourite singer and she made fun of me, she even ask me to sing to my other relatives so they could 'witness' how funny I was. That's very nice of my mom.
In grade 4, I was still social but more self conscious than before. I guess that was normal since that's the time when students start having crushes and noticing the opposite sex. And yes, I still danced in class that time.
But there's one time when this girl classmate made fun of me. I don't know what made her think of doing it but she suddenly commanded me to 'tie her shoelace' and then I hesitatingly frikkin did it! And then one classmate who saw me do it said "Why did you follow her, silly?" And then the bossy girl laughed at me like she expected me do it.
That's the time when I realized that I'm such a pushover and too nice. I felt so pissed at that girl and more pissed at myself for acting like a slave. The bossy girl was the smartest in our class and maybe she sensed my 'too eager to please others' self.
Now, I realized that I was really too nice, it's like I wanted to be the perfect and loveable person in school. Maybe because I couldn't get that good reputation in my house. I remember that I tried to be nicer at home but whenever I do it, they act so amazed and make a big deal out of it which made me feel so embarassed. Like one time, my mom cooked boiled egg and instead of immediately grabbing the biggest egg, I stopped and asked my sister to choose which one she likes. My mom acted like 'Halleluiaj praise the Lord. It's a miracle'. Maybe she's just happy but it embarassed me, like she's insinuating that I was really that hopeless and a miracle happened. I was never good in receiving compliments so I stopped acting 'obviously' kind to my sister.
During summer before I turn grade 5, I joined summer bible classes. I have this older teen guy whom I treat as older brother. I've always wanted to have an older siblings because I hated it when my parents blamed me for petty things that my younger sister did. So it felt nice to have this 'Big bro neighbor'. He was my childhood playmate so I've been comfortable to him ever since. Whenever I have a tantrum, he never fails to calm me down.
Then one time after the bible class, this big bro asked me to help him find his radio. I was 10 that time or maybe 11? And he was 14. I remember that I got confused why he needs help to find a radio. it's not too small and their house isn't big too. Another thing is one gay friend asked to join in the searching but big bro told him not to. Anyway, I had a weird feeling about it but my eagerness to help this guy won.
And upon entering the room, I saw the radio and said "I found it". Then he hugged and tried to kiss me like tongue-saliva kiss although he wasn't able to touch my lips coz I shook my head. He laid me down and hugged me. I couldn't remember him touching the other sensitive area but maybe he also knows that what he's doing is wrong. Then I escaped and ran home and told my parents what happened and of course they called the police. Since he was a minor and I wasn't raped, although I was clearly molested, a formal complaint was made and the issue was resolved eventually.
Everything looked fine after that but psychologically, everything in me changed. Until now I am blaming myself for what happened. If I only followed my gut feeling that wouldn't happen to me. What makes it worse is that rumors were saying that I was raped, or I asked for it since I went with him in the first place, and I flirted with him.
I became untrusting with men even male relatives. I was still 11 when a male cousin who's like 28 years old, sat me on his lap like he used to do, I still obliged but I didn't sit well and I felt so uncomfortable.
When i started schooling in Grade 5, I don't know if it's because it was a part of growing up or because of what happened, or maybe both... but that's when I started to become a loner and way too self conscious. Then there's this one girl who often picks on me, I don't know why but I felt like she's just jealous, but it affected me anyway.
One time, there's this guy classmate who had a crush on me. I also have a crush on him too. But when he started to be showy and announced it in class, I don't know but I just hated him. I was so mean that I stood up in class and shouted "I don't like him!'... so I made the poor guy cry. i felt guilty but pissed at him at the same time.
Then I started having guy phone pals and admirers in highschool. I always entertain them but I secretly want to gag whenever they patronise me. When i have a crush, I do my best not to show it to that person because I don't want him to take advantage of me, I don't want others to tease me, and I don't want him to like me back. I know it's weird but whenever a guy starts using affectionate words to me like "Have you eaten?" "You're pretty" "I want to see you"... I feel like stabbing that person and I lose my respect to him.
I want guys to notice me and go gaga on me but when they start taking actions, I push them away and ever ridicule them.
Anyway, I wont tell much about my highschool life but I think Grade 5 was the start of my worsening SA. But I'm saying that since I was a child, I already have this vulnerability. I've always been shy. But maybe if I grew up feeling accepted at home, maybe if that guy didn't betray my trust.. I wouldn't be this freak of a person.
Maybe I wouldn't feel too defensive whenever I make mistakes, maybe I wouldn't be too calculating when others especially guys try to be friendly with me, maybe I wouldn't feel so ashamed of myself, maybe I would be a little more trusting.
And that is why I am still amazed how my boyfriend won me over. But that's a different story and I have mentioned it a long time ago in this journal.
Maybe you're surprised with my confession if you've managed to read this lengthy entry :bigsmile:. But I wanted to say that the way I've been brought up has a great contribution to what I am now. When i become a parent, I'll just try to do better.
The best thing is me and my sister became best friends. I can't remember when it started, maybe in college? Actually, I've been spoiling her since and even became too protective at times like when a friend fight her, I ended up meddling and fighting back. (I try not to do it anymore)
That's the story of my life. I've been crying writing this but I feel much much better now
I badly need professional help. My parents should have noticed this since I was young. I hate them for lacking this knowledge. I hate my narrow minded culture regarding mental health.
I know that my condition is hereditary. Im not saying that I was born to have it but I know that my genes is prone to having SA or AVPD. I got it from my dad's lineage. My grandfather is known to be socially shy, my dad is the same too. I don't know about my grandpa but I see that my dad is able to function fairly well. Despite his aloofness, he knows how to interact with people when needed, he is able to host a party, he knows how to be assertive. I'm thinking that maybe it helped that he is a male because it's more acceptable for them to be silent.
I think being female, which is genetically more emotional, made that part of my father's genes worse. Maybe bad parenting also caused it.
When I was very young, my family loves teasing me and making me jealous about my younger sister. They often joke that 'my sister is more adorable and love her more than me' so I would start having tantrums then they'll start laughing. I know now that their intention is just for entertainment and maybe they find me cute when I get jealous but my young brain didn't understand it that time especially that they've done it fairly often.
When I was in elementary I became a bratty, spoiled kid. I often bully my sister and I was so short tempered when she makes mistakes. I even physically hurt her like pinching or slapping her or say verbally abusive words.
My sister never fought back coz she's scared and she's naturally good hearted. Because of that, my mom often spank me terribly.
Now, I'm trying to understand her why she did it, but that time, spanking is kind of acceptable for disciplining a child. I never thought that she was becoming abusive. I just realized the extent of her punishment when I was older and my grandma told me that she threatened my mom to call the police if she sees me with bruises next time.
Don't get me wrong, I know my mom loved me. I just felt that she has a short temper when it comes to me because I was stubborn, shows hostility and even speaks back sometimes. I know if I see that kind of child, I would also get so mad. I'm not justifying what my mom did. But I understand her because I also have a short temper when it comes to very naughty kids.
I also behaved badly to my older relatives and cousins that I started to have this bad reputation. I'm pointed out as the bad daughter, niece or cousin. I've always been selfish to my sister. When there's a new toy, I always want to get the nicer ones. I'm often lectured for being mean to my her but I couldn't help it.
When I come to think of it, maybe I became like that because of how they treated me. They've taught me to be jealous to my sister so I grew up hating her so much and being hostile to them. And because they hate me, I started hating myself too.
When I started schooling, I was the exact opposite of myself. I was so quiet, self conscious and scared of my teachers. I always feel like peeing but too afraid to ask permission so I pee on my chair instead which only added to my shame. The nice thing is that my classmates were all nice. I couldn't remember them teasing me about peeing in class.
From first grade to 3rd grade I was social. I was still the goody goody, shy and quiet student in class but I can't say I was socially awkward. Actually I just acted that way because I want to be an ideal student and loved by my teachers for being obedient. But I sometimes had the urge to goof around like my other classmates. I enjoyed break time so much because I get to play with my friends and classmates. I even danced in front of the class during events.
Oh and then there's one annoying memory of my mom. I practiced dancing in front of her and she laughed at me like she felt embarrassed of my performance. She even said "maybe you shouldn't perform in class since you really look silly" in the most gentle manner. Maybe I did look silly but I was a kid, gosh, she should've encouraged me.
Anyway, even before the dancing thingy, maybe when I was in Grade 1 or 2, I've showed her my singing skills. I tried imitating her favourite singer and she made fun of me, she even ask me to sing to my other relatives so they could 'witness' how funny I was. That's very nice of my mom.
In grade 4, I was still social but more self conscious than before. I guess that was normal since that's the time when students start having crushes and noticing the opposite sex. And yes, I still danced in class that time.
But there's one time when this girl classmate made fun of me. I don't know what made her think of doing it but she suddenly commanded me to 'tie her shoelace' and then I hesitatingly frikkin did it! And then one classmate who saw me do it said "Why did you follow her, silly?" And then the bossy girl laughed at me like she expected me do it.
That's the time when I realized that I'm such a pushover and too nice. I felt so pissed at that girl and more pissed at myself for acting like a slave. The bossy girl was the smartest in our class and maybe she sensed my 'too eager to please others' self.
Now, I realized that I was really too nice, it's like I wanted to be the perfect and loveable person in school. Maybe because I couldn't get that good reputation in my house. I remember that I tried to be nicer at home but whenever I do it, they act so amazed and make a big deal out of it which made me feel so embarassed. Like one time, my mom cooked boiled egg and instead of immediately grabbing the biggest egg, I stopped and asked my sister to choose which one she likes. My mom acted like 'Halleluiaj praise the Lord. It's a miracle'. Maybe she's just happy but it embarassed me, like she's insinuating that I was really that hopeless and a miracle happened. I was never good in receiving compliments so I stopped acting 'obviously' kind to my sister.
During summer before I turn grade 5, I joined summer bible classes. I have this older teen guy whom I treat as older brother. I've always wanted to have an older siblings because I hated it when my parents blamed me for petty things that my younger sister did. So it felt nice to have this 'Big bro neighbor'. He was my childhood playmate so I've been comfortable to him ever since. Whenever I have a tantrum, he never fails to calm me down.
Then one time after the bible class, this big bro asked me to help him find his radio. I was 10 that time or maybe 11? And he was 14. I remember that I got confused why he needs help to find a radio. it's not too small and their house isn't big too. Another thing is one gay friend asked to join in the searching but big bro told him not to. Anyway, I had a weird feeling about it but my eagerness to help this guy won.
And upon entering the room, I saw the radio and said "I found it". Then he hugged and tried to kiss me like tongue-saliva kiss although he wasn't able to touch my lips coz I shook my head. He laid me down and hugged me. I couldn't remember him touching the other sensitive area but maybe he also knows that what he's doing is wrong. Then I escaped and ran home and told my parents what happened and of course they called the police. Since he was a minor and I wasn't raped, although I was clearly molested, a formal complaint was made and the issue was resolved eventually.
Everything looked fine after that but psychologically, everything in me changed. Until now I am blaming myself for what happened. If I only followed my gut feeling that wouldn't happen to me. What makes it worse is that rumors were saying that I was raped, or I asked for it since I went with him in the first place, and I flirted with him.
I became untrusting with men even male relatives. I was still 11 when a male cousin who's like 28 years old, sat me on his lap like he used to do, I still obliged but I didn't sit well and I felt so uncomfortable.
When i started schooling in Grade 5, I don't know if it's because it was a part of growing up or because of what happened, or maybe both... but that's when I started to become a loner and way too self conscious. Then there's this one girl who often picks on me, I don't know why but I felt like she's just jealous, but it affected me anyway.
One time, there's this guy classmate who had a crush on me. I also have a crush on him too. But when he started to be showy and announced it in class, I don't know but I just hated him. I was so mean that I stood up in class and shouted "I don't like him!'... so I made the poor guy cry. i felt guilty but pissed at him at the same time.
Then I started having guy phone pals and admirers in highschool. I always entertain them but I secretly want to gag whenever they patronise me. When i have a crush, I do my best not to show it to that person because I don't want him to take advantage of me, I don't want others to tease me, and I don't want him to like me back. I know it's weird but whenever a guy starts using affectionate words to me like "Have you eaten?" "You're pretty" "I want to see you"... I feel like stabbing that person and I lose my respect to him.
I want guys to notice me and go gaga on me but when they start taking actions, I push them away and ever ridicule them.
Anyway, I wont tell much about my highschool life but I think Grade 5 was the start of my worsening SA. But I'm saying that since I was a child, I already have this vulnerability. I've always been shy. But maybe if I grew up feeling accepted at home, maybe if that guy didn't betray my trust.. I wouldn't be this freak of a person.
Maybe I wouldn't feel too defensive whenever I make mistakes, maybe I wouldn't be too calculating when others especially guys try to be friendly with me, maybe I wouldn't feel so ashamed of myself, maybe I would be a little more trusting.
And that is why I am still amazed how my boyfriend won me over.
But that's a different story and I have mentioned it a long time ago in this journal. Maybe you're surprised with my confession if you've managed to read this lengthy entry :bigsmile:. But I wanted to say that the way I've been brought up has a great contribution to what I am now. When i become a parent, I'll just try to do better.
The best thing is me and my sister became best friends. I can't remember when it started, maybe in college? Actually, I've been spoiling her since and even became too protective at times like when a friend fight her, I ended up meddling and fighting back. (I try not to do it anymore)
That's the story of my life. I've been crying writing this but I feel much much better now
Ahhh... the ever adorable Mikey C.
Now I've got nothing to hide on you. :kickingmyself:
I'm so depressed again... :sad:
I feel like I am wasting my time pursuing my dreams. That all these struggles are not worth it if I'm away to my loved ones. I wanna go home but it will be a total waste of everything, especially money since we're not rich. I hope that I didn't dream big. I should be starting a family now, have some kids, buy my own house but no, I'm still in this phase.
I don't believe in miracles... I'm even an agnostic.... but I feel so desperate that I hope gods are real and they hear my prayers.
Seriously, if i can bring back the time... i would have done things differently. But I have this little hope that maybe everything happens for a reason. But I don't really believe that coz my mind is pure logic and Science but my present condition is making me irrational.
I just want to cry now. It's like deja vu isn't it? I have said the same piece before and I am saying this again. I'm sick of this kind of life. Of this constant struggling. I'm like a hamster running in its wheel.
I can't help but feel envy to others. I feel like I've been deprived of almost everything. I know I have a screwed up personality and I have accepted it but why, even, the only thing that I could possibly reach, can't be given to me easily?
If not for my boyfriend and my sister and my dad's money... I would be nothing since I really have nothing to be proud of myself. Maybe these people are Life's consolation to me coz I'm such a pathetic creature in this planet. I don't deserve them but I am too pitiful that some forces just gave them to atleast.
I feel like I am wasting my time pursuing my dreams. That all these struggles are not worth it if I'm away to my loved ones. I wanna go home but it will be a total waste of everything, especially money since we're not rich. I hope that I didn't dream big. I should be starting a family now, have some kids, buy my own house but no, I'm still in this phase.
I don't believe in miracles... I'm even an agnostic.... but I feel so desperate that I hope gods are real and they hear my prayers.
Seriously, if i can bring back the time... i would have done things differently. But I have this little hope that maybe everything happens for a reason. But I don't really believe that coz my mind is pure logic and Science but my present condition is making me irrational.
I just want to cry now. It's like deja vu isn't it? I have said the same piece before and I am saying this again. I'm sick of this kind of life. Of this constant struggling. I'm like a hamster running in its wheel.
I can't help but feel envy to others. I feel like I've been deprived of almost everything. I know I have a screwed up personality and I have accepted it but why, even, the only thing that I could possibly reach, can't be given to me easily?
If not for my boyfriend and my sister and my dad's money... I would be nothing since I really have nothing to be proud of myself. Maybe these people are Life's consolation to me coz I'm such a pathetic creature in this planet. I don't deserve them but I am too pitiful that some forces just gave them to atleast.
Last night was the ****tiest shift I've ever done. Imagine only me and a partner (colleague) working in an area where we have to manage an average number of 20 clients? Then that frikkin colleague would say he has to go home early and I'm left alone to do the rest of the work for 3 more frikkin hours?!
Ok, I understand he's quite ill but why didn't he just called sickie in the first place! He gave me a bull**** excuse that he wasn't feeling bad till we started working but he was telling me earlier that he wasn't supposed to go at work coz he's not feeling well and he just came so that I won't be left alone. What? So he's doing me a big favor now? If he called sickie, they could always call agency to fill his frikkin shift!
I may act and look dumb but I am not entirely stupid! No wonder he brought a homemade veggie pizza for me! I think he has planned this all along. And when I started to gave orders, he told me that I'm acting bossy now. Of course I frikkin would! Does he think I would let him go till we finish all the frikkin difficult tasks? And the most annoying thing is while we were doing those tasks, he kept on saying to the clients "See, I'm taking care of her..." relating to that frikkin pizza and the last minute help I needed before he went home! Well, I didn't care but I blurted out "Not really, He's just feeling guilty" and all the indirect sarcasm I could say like "Enjoy your break!" and "Oh yes, darling you'll have a good rest... and him too!" And really, he's not even sick 'SICK' but just experiencing a frikkin hangover for drinking too much last night.
And what's worse is they did assign a new partner who's on frikkin 'work cover' who can only do light duties. So all she can do is to frikkin observe me as she's not allowed to do any physical work! So what's the frikkin point of sending her to my frikkin area?! And I'm not blaming her at all coz she also doesn't understand why she was frikkin brought there!
All i heard from her is whine about the person responsible from bringing her there. The funny thing is that person visited our area and my new partner acted like she didn't just whine about that person a while ago! I didn't try to speak coz I don't trust myself when I'm upset. That time I have a sudden surge of confidence (which I always feel when I'm angry) that if another bull**** happens I would really explode and would do a frikkin crazy thing to show how mad I am! (Alright, I am exxagerating. I wouldn't kill or have temper tantrums) But I'll probably do something horrendously shameful like the last time I got so pissed in college, I told the receptionist that I would talk to the Dean!!! (I still feel so ashamed remembering that. Maybe I was born to have SA as my true confident self is a living grenade. Ugh!)
You know what I have in mind? Probably I'll give him a taste of his own medicine like I wouldn call sickie at the last minute so he'll start work with no partner at all! But I know that's totally immature so I wouldn't do it really. But it's still nice to imagine... grrrrrrr!
I am so mad today that even the slightest thing would upset me. Like now, my boyfriend is busy at work and I feel like having tantrums. He can feel that I'm upset and he's just telling me to calm down. But all I want is to TALK to him as I have no other person I trust talking with. My sister's busy too and I don't really feel like talking about negative things to her.
I'm just glad that SPW is here to receive all the burden of my negative energy.
Ok, I understand he's quite ill but why didn't he just called sickie in the first place! He gave me a bull**** excuse that he wasn't feeling bad till we started working but he was telling me earlier that he wasn't supposed to go at work coz he's not feeling well and he just came so that I won't be left alone. What? So he's doing me a big favor now? If he called sickie, they could always call agency to fill his frikkin shift!
I may act and look dumb but I am not entirely stupid! No wonder he brought a homemade veggie pizza for me! I think he has planned this all along. And when I started to gave orders, he told me that I'm acting bossy now. Of course I frikkin would! Does he think I would let him go till we finish all the frikkin difficult tasks? And the most annoying thing is while we were doing those tasks, he kept on saying to the clients "See, I'm taking care of her..." relating to that frikkin pizza and the last minute help I needed before he went home! Well, I didn't care but I blurted out "Not really, He's just feeling guilty" and all the indirect sarcasm I could say like "Enjoy your break!" and "Oh yes, darling you'll have a good rest... and him too!" And really, he's not even sick 'SICK' but just experiencing a frikkin hangover for drinking too much last night.
And what's worse is they did assign a new partner who's on frikkin 'work cover' who can only do light duties. So all she can do is to frikkin observe me as she's not allowed to do any physical work! So what's the frikkin point of sending her to my frikkin area?! And I'm not blaming her at all coz she also doesn't understand why she was frikkin brought there!
All i heard from her is whine about the person responsible from bringing her there. The funny thing is that person visited our area and my new partner acted like she didn't just whine about that person a while ago! I didn't try to speak coz I don't trust myself when I'm upset. That time I have a sudden surge of confidence (which I always feel when I'm angry) that if another bull**** happens I would really explode and would do a frikkin crazy thing to show how mad I am! (Alright, I am exxagerating. I wouldn't kill or have temper tantrums) But I'll probably do something horrendously shameful like the last time I got so pissed in college, I told the receptionist that I would talk to the Dean!!! (I still feel so ashamed remembering that. Maybe I was born to have SA as my true confident self is a living grenade. Ugh!)
You know what I have in mind? Probably I'll give him a taste of his own medicine like I wouldn call sickie at the last minute so he'll start work with no partner at all! But I know that's totally immature so I wouldn't do it really. But it's still nice to imagine... grrrrrrr!
I am so mad today that even the slightest thing would upset me. Like now, my boyfriend is busy at work and I feel like having tantrums. He can feel that I'm upset and he's just telling me to calm down. But all I want is to TALK to him as I have no other person I trust talking with. My sister's busy too and I don't really feel like talking about negative things to her.
I'm just glad that SPW is here to receive all the burden of my negative energy.
This colleague of yours sound like a lazy bum. He should have called in sick but probably didn't do it because his vacation days could get deducted. Plus saying that he's taking care of you when you had to fill in for him for 3 more hours, what a load of b***.
I can relate to this. When I get angry I have to stop myself before I do anything I will regret later.
I know, thank goodness for SPW and related sites.
I can relate to this. When I get angry I have to stop myself before I do anything I will regret later.
I know, thank goodness for SPW and related sites.
Yes! He's definitely bull****ting me! And maybe he had the guts to do it because he knows that I'll be his partner- the timid, submissive, too nice - colleague that I am. Seriously, I am still so pissed with him, I am picturing all this dark scenarios in my mind like I wish he vomits blood and really gets sick or he develops Shingles on his back so he'll feel pain all the time. I know I sound like some psycho now that's why I have to write it all here coz my mind is preoccupied with revenge. Revenge. Revenge. Revenge. Revenge!!!
I think the reason why I act this way is because I am not really fond of most people and I have tolerated them all of my life. And what happened last night was over the limit. He tried to bribe me and made me think that he is giving me a favor, that I should be grateful, but I know bull**** when it happens so I didn't budge. I'm glad I'm off now because I feel like I'll self destruct at work when I see him again.
It's funny that when I'm in my usual anxious self, I am afraid to face people. But when I'm in this mode, I frikkin don't care about what others think and that's the scary part because like what you said, we might regret it.
Why oh why do I keep thinking of things that don't really matter. I am me and I am alright. I am not perfect and I can't be like others whom I admire... or hate for being great.
Maybe I'm ugly, maybe I'm not attractive at all, maybe I'm awkward, maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm absent minded, maybe I'm careless, maybe I'm forgetful, maybe I'm socially incapable, maybe I'm far lesser than an average human being...
But this is me. I don't know my real edge or if I ever have one. But maybe, just maybe, I'm not that bad all along.
Maybe I'm ugly, maybe I'm not attractive at all, maybe I'm awkward, maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm absent minded, maybe I'm careless, maybe I'm forgetful, maybe I'm socially incapable, maybe I'm far lesser than an average human being...
But this is me. I don't know my real edge or if I ever have one. But maybe, just maybe, I'm not that bad all along.