I do this alot. Because when I go out with a friend (could be anything, social event, cinema, or just hang at my place or their place) But, the day before it comes, I feel a huge anxiety coming up like, Oh no.. Tomorrow somebody will be here, I need to pretend and present myself as a fun person and not make a fool out of myself. Because, I never seem depressed when friends are around. Because I'm afraid of showing the real insecure person I am.
But in fact, I'm feeling nervous so much around them. But I just try to act confident and not show my vulnerable insecurities. Because I hate showing them. So I'd rather not be in a group, because I can't handle that. Only 1 to 1, or a few people like 2, 3, 4. But it also depends which people there are gonna be in the group. Because, family members doesn't make me really afraid.. It's like, how more I see people, how more I feel safe around them.. And how more I talk with them, how more I know I can trust them.
But In the past I had a group of friends, 8 people. We had so much fun (sleepover parties, swimming, shopping, laughing in the break of school) , but now it's just all gone. We falled apart, because we went to different schools, sadly. But I can't imagine I was so loud and outspoken about things, I didn't care what they think. I was never so self concious about myself like I do now. But I still remember birthday parties in the past, I was terrified to go. It just goes with ups & downs, I'm not always having anxiety problems, sometimes it's going really good. I feel comfortable and relaxed around people, if I know it's alright.
But with strangers, and new people, and people who show a very lack of respect, yup. I notice them judging me.
But I did Skip invitations form friends too much, and now I won't anymore, because I know I need to count on my friends, and the important thing is, they have to count on me, because I don't want to lose them.
