Post your random thoughts/feelings etc

Phoenixx

Well-known member
There's a woman I talk to online, here-and-there; I met her in the YouTube comment section several months back and we've followed each other ever since. A few years ago she was diagnosed with cancer but it went into remission, well recently it's come back. She's been told it's terminal.

Through intermittent conversations, I've seen her go through the various stages of acceptance. It's so sad, she's in total despair right now. She's 53 and doesn't seem to have much family, or what she does have isn't worth a damn. She's hundreds of miles away from them and trying to raise money to get back home, but at the same time, Covid has put a stranglehold on travelling.

On top of it all, she has this adorable little soldier of a dog who sticks right by her, and she's facing the agonizing decision about what to do there. One of her main wishes was to live long enough that her dog wouldn't have to see her pass away, but now it's looking like less of a possibility. I can't imagine having to wonder about who was gonna watch over Gus if I were in that kind of situation.

The whole thing is just a horrible mess. It doesn't seem right in any way for someone to have to go through this.
I can only hope family can put differences aside and actually help her in this time. That's just awful. :cry: I'm afraid of death, but even moreso dying alone.

Does she have a YouTube? Or a YouTube community? I know the community can sometimes be really helpful, and I'm wondering if anyone could gather some other users to raise a little money for her towards her trip back home to family.
 
I can only hope family can put differences aside and actually help her in this time. That's just awful. :cry: I'm afraid of death, but even moreso dying alone.

Does she have a YouTube? Or a YouTube community? I know the community can sometimes be really helpful, and I'm wondering if anyone could gather some other users to raise a little money for her towards her trip back home to family.

Her YouTube Channel: YouTube

She started a GoFundMe but it hasn't gone well. She called the trip off for now, but here it is: GoFundMe

Her hair started falling out recently so it's been rough, she stopped taking her chemo medications because of it. :(
 
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Phoenixx

Well-known member
I've been feeling really agitated again lately, moreso than usual. Two mornings in a row now I've woken up to a brain full of one thought after another after another and can't get my brain to stop. o_O I need to start recording thoughts again and I also need to take a break from talking to my mother. I've been spending a lot of time with her lately because of what I've been needing help doing and I'm pretty sure it's why I've been so on edge lately.

I've realized that I've unfortunately have fallen into the partial trap (path?) of me slowly becoming the parent. Just like her and her mother before, I'm seeing very similar patterns. My mother had to be a parent to her mother at an early age. She didn't have much of a young adulthood because of it. Always was financially supporting her or "rescuing" her in some way or another, from evictions to threats of restraining orders. While my mother doesn't need financial support and hasn't risked breaking any laws or becoming a nuisance, she needs social and emotional support constantly. She hates being alone, she hates not talking to people, she's a natural social butterfly and always likes to have fun. Now that she hasn't had a steady job in over 10 years, and my dad and her haven't really supported each other emotionally in over 15 years, she is always seeking out family to talk to in order to put herself in situations to feel like she's needed. I have to be around when something goes wrong, even if it doesn't involve me. I'm constantly being called to talk about things I have no interest in talking about or listening to. Being out in public with her irritates me to no end anymore, sadly enough. Every time I think something sounds like it'll be good for her to attend to shift her mind elsewhere, it turns into babysitting. She completely loses all focus of her surroundings and as soon as something catches her interest she has to jump on it and check it out. She has no care or disregard for anyone else except herself and it drives me insane. Yesterday she cut off a guy in line at the store - really didn't mean to, but again, she didn't care to take note of her surroundings - and I wound up quickly apologizing to him after he spoke up. The last thing I needed was to see my mother bickering to some guy over something that was her fault to begin with, and then hearing her complain about it for the next half hour.

My brother is also living with her again now too, which does not help. She's constantly calling me up "worried" about him and how "depressed" he is, or complaining about how "lazy" and "ignorant" he is. :rolleyes: I know he's depressed, but I have no sympathy honestly, partly because he is a narcissistic jerk. But also because I have been struggling with depression for 15 years, part of which was literally caused by her and my brother, and I have been to therapy twice now and still can't manage to get the help I need. Where the fuck has my sympathy been this whole time? All I got told growing up was to "get over it" and now you've been telling me "You need to [go out and do this thing]." Like thanks mom, I'll get right on that with my social anxiety. (y) I know what I need to do, but what I actually need is some constructive support. Not being told what I should or shouldn't be doing.

It's extremely hard and draining to have this kind of relationship with people that should always be there for you and care about you. It often seems like it's always a one-way street.:confused:
 

Miserum

Well-known member
I've been feeling really agitated again lately, moreso than usual. Two mornings in a row now I've woken up to a brain full of one thought after another after another and can't get my brain to stop. o_O I need to start recording thoughts again and I also need to take a break from talking to my mother. I've been spending a lot of time with her lately because of what I've been needing help doing and I'm pretty sure it's why I've been so on edge lately.

I've realized that I've unfortunately have fallen into the partial trap (path?) of me slowly becoming the parent. Just like her and her mother before, I'm seeing very similar patterns. My mother had to be a parent to her mother at an early age. She didn't have much of a young adulthood because of it. Always was financially supporting her or "rescuing" her in some way or another, from evictions to threats of restraining orders. While my mother doesn't need financial support and hasn't risked breaking any laws or becoming a nuisance, she needs social and emotional support constantly. She hates being alone, she hates not talking to people, she's a natural social butterfly and always likes to have fun. Now that she hasn't had a steady job in over 10 years, and my dad and her haven't really supported each other emotionally in over 15 years, she is always seeking out family to talk to in order to put herself in situations to feel like she's needed. I have to be around when something goes wrong, even if it doesn't involve me. I'm constantly being called to talk about things I have no interest in talking about or listening to. Being out in public with her irritates me to no end anymore, sadly enough. Every time I think something sounds like it'll be good for her to attend to shift her mind elsewhere, it turns into babysitting. She completely loses all focus of her surroundings and as soon as something catches her interest she has to jump on it and check it out. She has no care or disregard for anyone else except herself and it drives me insane. Yesterday she cut off a guy in line at the store - really didn't mean to, but again, she didn't care to take note of her surroundings - and I wound up quickly apologizing to him after he spoke up. The last thing I needed was to see my mother bickering to some guy over something that was her fault to begin with, and then hearing her complain about it for the next half hour.

My brother is also living with her again now too, which does not help. She's constantly calling me up "worried" about him and how "depressed" he is, or complaining about how "lazy" and "ignorant" he is. :rolleyes: I know he's depressed, but I have no sympathy honestly, partly because he is a narcissistic jerk. But also because I have been struggling with depression for 15 years, part of which was literally caused by her and my brother, and I have been to therapy twice now and still can't manage to get the help I need. Where the fuck has my sympathy been this whole time? All I got told growing up was to "get over it" and now you've been telling me "You need to [go out and do this thing]." Like thanks mom, I'll get right on that with my social anxiety. (y) I know what I need to do, but what I actually need is some constructive support. Not being told what I should or shouldn't be doing.

It's extremely hard and draining to have this kind of relationship with people that should always be there for you and care about you. It often seems like it's always a one-way street.:confused:
I just posted about overthinking on my little thread-diary thing I've got going on elsewhere on the site (be sure to subscribe, and don't forget to smash that like button). Here is the article I posted, which I found useful.

https://www.inc.com/amy-morin/10-signs-you-think-too-much-and-what-you-can-do-about-it.html

I'm going to try the "30 minutes of worrying time block" method they've suggested.
 
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Phoenixx

Well-known member
I just posted about overthinking on my little thread-diary thing I've got going on elsewhere on the site (be sure to subscribe, and don't forget to smash that like button). Here is the article I posted, which I found useful.

https://www.inc.com/amy-morin/10-signs-you-think-too-much-and-what-you-can-do-about-it.html

I'm going to try the "30 minutes of worrying time block" method they've suggested.
My therapist mentioned to me to actually schedule my "worrying time." But honestly I can't seem to schedule it because during the day when I'm busy I'm not worried about worrying. My mind is preoccupied, thus I'm not thinking about anything else. Much of my overthinking tends to happen at night when I'm about to go to bed, in the morning as soon as I wake up, or somewhere in between when I am woken up in the middle of the night. Some days/nights it's all three - like it has been for the past few days. Those days are hard because I tend to lose sleep or not sleep well enough. Another odd thing is that a lot of my cycling thoughts also happen when I'm doing the dishes, of all things lol. You always hear people about doing most of their thinking in the shower, but that's not me. Showering is showering, I don't ponder all that much - maybe because I listen to music too. But doing the dishes is apparently a much more mundane task to the point where I do much of my deep thinking. It's so weird lol. :LOL:

Maybe that's the true reason why I absolutely loathe washing dishes.... :unsure:
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I got another job interview scheduled for Friday. Crossing my fingers this one goes well and I get the job. It's a 45 min drive from me. Not the one I absolutely wanted, but it's a job and I'm not really complaining at this point. It's still in the field I want, pay just kinda sucks but it does come with benefits. Maybe there's room to grow? We'll see.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
My therapist mentioned to me to actually schedule my "worrying time." But honestly I can't seem to schedule it because during the day when I'm busy I'm not worried about worrying. My mind is preoccupied, thus I'm not thinking about anything else. Much of my overthinking tends to happen at night when I'm about to go to bed, in the morning as soon as I wake up, or somewhere in between when I am woken up in the middle of the night. Some days/nights it's all three - like it has been for the past few days. Those days are hard because I tend to lose sleep or not sleep well enough. Another odd thing is that a lot of my cycling thoughts also happen when I'm doing the dishes, of all things lol. You always hear people about doing most of their thinking in the shower, but that's not me. Showering is showering, I don't ponder all that much - maybe because I listen to music too. But doing the dishes is apparently a much more mundane task to the point where I do much of my deep thinking. It's so weird lol. :LOL:

Maybe that's the true reason why I absolutely loathe washing dishes.... :unsure:
Dishwashing sounds like the perfect time to do that reflecting!

I pushed aside my ruminations in bed last night by simply telling myself to stop thinking about things. I fell asleep within ten minutes, where usually it takes me three times as long.

I think that article (though it might be one of the articles it links to at the very bottom), says to focus instead on something productive when you find yourself overthinking. Something that yields a solution. So, in that situation, maybe you can instead focus on solutions to your work problems, how you can improve your skills in that domain (as long as doing so isn't already part of your ruminating), or maybe force yourself to focus on other things that make you happy or that you find interesting.
 
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I'm aware I keep people at an arms length. I usually just chop it up to the challenges that come with socializing with people that keep me away, or in other words I just do it because it's easier. But this is an oversimplification. One aspect is the more obvious one, that by getting close to people it makes me vulnerable to being hurt and puts me in more meaningful situations to fail. Basically the negative impacts that it could have on me.

The real driving force behind it I think is the potential impact on others I could have. When someone is close with you, they care about you, they worry about you, and they hurt when you hurt. And they more clearly see you for who you are. Most days, being within an arms length of me is going to be more worry for them than it'd be worth. Or disdain. Frustration. Despair. Pity. The more people I am close to, the more people I can hurt.

It's also the other two things. I'm not some selfless martyr suffering alone for the well-being of others. If that was my real goal I'd work harder not to be a the target of worry. I just can't seem to find a consistent or meaningful reason to care about things, generally speaking. It feels like a cruel thing to impress onto others.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
My interview went really well today. Had no idea what I was going to be walking into today for this job but I was pleasantly surprised. I was interviewed by one person in a small office with a screen between us, so no having to talk over masks, made it easier to understand each other. It's a very small facility and I would work with probably around 5 - 7 people on average. Unfortunately I won't know of an answer for a good week or so. The main manager who decides was on vacation, leaving the supervisor to do my interview. I liked her, she was down to earth and very straightforward. Hope I get this one. I actually felt excited getting a tour of the very small facility. Not a lot I couldn't learn right away since I already have similar experience. Not a noisy or crowded facility either. Simple and quaint, what I like.
 

theoutsider

Well-known member
My interview went really well today. Had no idea what I was going to be walking into today for this job but I was pleasantly surprised. I was interviewed by one person in a small office with a screen between us, so no having to talk over masks, made it easier to understand each other. It's a very small facility and I would work with probably around 5 - 7 people on average. Unfortunately I won't know of an answer for a good week or so. The main manager who decides was on vacation, leaving the supervisor to do my interview. I liked her, she was down to earth and very straightforward. Hope I get this one. I actually felt excited getting a tour of the very small facility. Not a lot I couldn't learn right away since I already have similar experience. Not a noisy or crowded facility either. Simple and quaint, what I like.
That sounds perfect. Best of luck, I really hope you get it!
 
Did you guys watch "Reading Rainbow" growing up?

Remember that line from the song:
"I can read anything, take a look, it's in a book, it's Reading Rainbow!"

Sometimes when I've had a bad day I'll sing to myself:
"I can't do anything, take a look, your life is shook, it's Brandon's shit-show."


It always makes me chuckle, thus keeping me sane and alive for one more day. :LOL:
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Did you guys watch "Reading Rainbow" growing up?

Remember that line from the song:
"I can read anything, take a look, it's in a book, it's Reading Rainbow!"

Sometimes when I've had a bad day I'll sing to myself:
"I can't do anything, take a look, your life is shook, it's Brandon's shit-show."


It always makes me chuckle, thus keeping me sane and alive for one more day. :LOL:
Hahaha this made me giggle this morning too. :LOL: That's great though you got something to put a smile on your face when things start sucking. (y) I need something like that.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Did you guys watch "Reading Rainbow" growing up?

Remember that line from the song:
"I can read anything, take a look, it's in a book, it's Reading Rainbow!"

Sometimes when I've had a bad day I'll sing to myself:
"I can't do anything, take a look, your life is shook, it's Brandon's shit-show."


It always makes me chuckle, thus keeping me sane and alive for one more day. :LOL:
I dont think it ever aired here, but Im familiar with it because of star trek memes :LOL:
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
As a culture, we really need to get over this narcissistic impulse to film every moment of our fuckin' lives.
Woman drops her brand new iPhone 11 from more than 5,000ft while paragliding over the French Alps | Daily Mail Online
It might be a tad narcissistic, but how much of that is because society programs us to be down on ourselves in order to comply/consume.

Plus its a wonderful feeling when years down the line you find a long forgotten photo or video of a moment you'd experienced. Maybe its just the photographer in me but I love the way we are able to capture so much of our day to day lives, decades down the track imagine how much shit we'll have to look back on. The textbooks and art books and the like will have a wealth of images to choose from showing all sorts of moments, big and small.
 
It might be a tad narcissistic, but how much of that is because society programs us to be down on ourselves in order to comply/consume.

Plus its a wonderful feeling when years down the line you find a long forgotten photo or video of a moment you'd experienced. Maybe its just the photographer in me but I love the way we are able to capture so much of our day to day lives, decades down the track imagine how much shit we'll have to look back on. The textbooks and art books and the like will have a wealth of images to choose from showing all sorts of moments, big and small.
Y'know something, that's very true.
 
Plus its a wonderful feeling when years down the line you find a long forgotten photo or video of a moment you'd experienced.
Although, I have to disagree with this sentiment, just slightly, as far as videoing goes. For one reason: live music shows. Folk going to shows just to film a large chunk if not all of it on their phones; that just seems like a waste of time to me.
 
Although, I have to disagree with this sentiment, just slightly, as far as videoing goes. For one reason: live music shows. Folk going to shows just to film a large chunk if not all of it on their phones; that just seems like a waste of time to me.
Whenever I'm at a live show I'm tempted to take out my phone and record some of it to remember, but whenever I do it always takes me away from the show. Not to mention I almost never look back on the pictures or video when I do. Now I might take a picture of the venue before the show, and then just stay in the moment for the rest of the show. Might not remember the show, but I'll remember the good time I had and that's what matters to me!(y)

Also related, the one blemish at the best show experience I ever had was when I took my phone out for the encore. It was the band CHVRCHES, and I was so close I could sing along and make eye contact with the band. Then I took my phone out, I swear Lauren Mayberry started giving me a death stare once she noticed. Like "We just had an awesome show together, and you want to ruin it by being one of those fans who records instead of watching. You're dead to me now."

I mean, she probably wasn't giving me, a random guy in the audience a death stare.

Probably.

Just in case though, no more phones at shows :p
 
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