Agent_Violet
Well-known member
I'm so sorry I had a meltdown. I don't know what happened to me. I can't talk to you about it because i'm ashamed and afraid.
Post what you cannot say
- Thread starter kihira
- Start date
dyingtolive
Well-known member
i feel paralyzed
so far behind
and scared to move forward
i have to get out of this hole
but i can't pretend that i want to
the outside is a harsh place
with nothing to cling to
i have not said anything that i havent said before
or felt before, over and over and over.
it never changes
im in deep ****, and ive ran out of excuses
there's no escape
its time to go
when the **** hits the fan,
bring toilet paper
flippers
snorkel
and goggles
and wipe, wipe
wipe
You'll get there eventually
But for now,
kneel,
and keep wiping.
so far behind
and scared to move forward
i have to get out of this hole
but i can't pretend that i want to
the outside is a harsh place
with nothing to cling to
i have not said anything that i havent said before
or felt before, over and over and over.
it never changes
im in deep ****, and ive ran out of excuses
there's no escape
its time to go
when the **** hits the fan,
bring toilet paper
flippers
snorkel
and goggles
and wipe, wipe
wipe
You'll get there eventually
But for now,
kneel,
and keep wiping.
montejocarlo
Well-known member
somehow, it's always my fault... you're very good at passing blame to others. and it looks like i'm you're favorite. lucky me
Phoenixx
Well-known member
I miss you. There, I said it. I miss our childhood, I miss you and your brother, the three of us and everything we did together. I should be moving on, you obviously have. I just can't though. We were so close for the longest time. You were my first best friend, and that lasted 10 years. I'd like to say it lasted longer, but you obviously don't care about me anymore. You have the perfect life, you have a great circle of friends, you've held the same summer job for 7 years now, which is a feat that no teenager I know has done (and you recently got promoted to assistant manager!), you're going to a great college in a whole different city and state, you've always worked to get what you want, you're always keeping such a busy lifestyle, and that's great. The fact though that you never make time for me anymore hurts. I understand you're busy, and it'd be different if you just took 5 mins. to talk to me, but you don't. When I do try to talk to you, you don't say much. The sad part? Your family talks to me more than you do, including your brother, and I only hear from them a couple times a year if I'm lucky. The last time I visited them, they welcomed me and talked to me like they always have, but you were never around. I never got a proper hello or a goodbye. I saw you for one day, and we spent it like we did when we were kids, but that's it. Before I knew it, you were running off to do other things.
I'm not sure if I want to see your face this summer. I may not even tell you I'm coming that way to visit my family, and yours. I may surprise you, or I may ignore you.
I'm not sure if I want to see your face this summer. I may not even tell you I'm coming that way to visit my family, and yours. I may surprise you, or I may ignore you.
twiggle
Well-known member
I really wish that you would just get over yourself and stop thinking that the world owes you one. You are so condescending about absolutely everybody else, especially those who try to help you, and then you complain about the fact nobody makes any effort with you. The 'nice guy' act doesn't wash with me, you had no right to say those things about me in public, painting me out to be villain, when the fact is you bordered on harassing me just to get my attention. It's always easy to tell just one side of the story though eh?? I hope I never see you in the streets, I don't know if I'd be able to stop from telling you all of this to your face.
*Argh. Sorry SPW. People make me so mad sometimes!*
*Argh. Sorry SPW. People make me so mad sometimes!*
Crazyclown
Member
ARE WE HAVING FUN YET!?!?! was what i wanted to shout in anger towards my ex.
Crazyclown
Member
Everything that you promised. Was a lie. Everything you asked for. Was just a way to use me. I gave you my whole heart which had been damaged before hand, you made it worse. I'm still trying to find the pieces you scattered across my body. Some were found still in place of its original starting point, others were lost. Now the hole in my heart needs to be filled thanks to you.
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
You blew it! You blew it so hard!
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
I wish you'd been a better parent, I really do. I feel you really neglected me on an emotionally level. I mean, your way of punishing me by of locking me out of the house has, not only, comeback to bit me on the arse, but you also. More than you'd admit, obviously. Of course, you now say you can't recall every doing that to me. Then why does my oldest sister recall you doing this to me?
Denial? Guilt? Regret? Or is it all of the above? I'd assume so. But we don't talk about that, do we? Or the fact you projected nearly every negative thought and experience from your own past onto me during my teenage years - your cynical, bitter view of relationships has been particular hard to hear, being your only son.
You know there's stuff I should really be able to tell you but feel I can't, because I'm afraid you'll overreact or shout at me. That's why I feel I have to constantly hide my true emotions behind a false smile.
*Sorry to anyone reading this depressing post. I was just venting my angry about tough periods from my early childhood and teenage years which have had a last impact on me. Don't worry though, I'll be okay.*
Denial? Guilt? Regret? Or is it all of the above? I'd assume so. But we don't talk about that, do we? Or the fact you projected nearly every negative thought and experience from your own past onto me during my teenage years - your cynical, bitter view of relationships has been particular hard to hear, being your only son.
You know there's stuff I should really be able to tell you but feel I can't, because I'm afraid you'll overreact or shout at me. That's why I feel I have to constantly hide my true emotions behind a false smile.
*Sorry to anyone reading this depressing post. I was just venting my angry about tough periods from my early childhood and teenage years which have had a last impact on me. Don't worry though, I'll be okay.*
Phoenixx
Well-known member
I never could quite figure you out, and I don't think I ever will. I do understand what you went through a few years ago though, and I believe you still struggle with it, whether you admit it or not. What I don't understand though is why was/is it always me you take your anger out on? Why do you say the things you do? Is it to make yourself feel better? Is it because it's true? Is it because you really don't care about me? All of the above? Either way, there's always an argument. Why? Because I don't back down from you anymore. You obviously didn't like it the day I finally decided not to take your insults anymore, and for once I felt like I had control of something in my life. Heck, I still somewhat feel that way when we argue. That doesn't mean every single thing you've said to me didn't hurt though.
You realize I'm often irritable, and sometimes I'm difficult to deal with. Trust me, I can't stand myself either. For once though, did it ever cross your mind to ask me, "What's wrong?" or "Why are you so angry?" There was a time where your son went through a bit of an anger phase. He was always angry, not just simmering angry, but he would break things. I remember one day you asked him, "Why are you so angry all the time?" and you two sat down and had a talk. Not once did you offer that to me, and you still don't. Rather you just blurt out whatever word/phrase that comes to your mind, "b****," "grump," "stop pmsing," "I don't want to hear it," etc. Then you wonder why I'm so angry and irritable most of the time. For once, I would love it if someone would just sit with me and ask me "What's wrong?" and just be patient with me. Is that really too much to ask?
Another thing I never understood is why you weren't affectionate towards your children. You never were like most mothers, who would say "I love you" after the end of every phone call, when they left to go to school in the morning, or when saying good night. You've never done any of those things, and I really have to ask why? You were never the type to say to your children how "beautiful" or "pretty" they were. Call me sappy, but I love seeing/hearing parents say that to their children. Not once have you ever called me "beautiful" or "pretty." You've called me "cute" occasionally, but more times have you referred to me as "ugly." Many times going over friends houses I've seen how their mothers treat them and I wish(ed) so bad that my mother would treat me the same.
I hate how distant we are. Even when we do get along, there's always a sense of tension, never really a true sense of closure. We are so incredibly different, we always have been. I know you can't understand the way I act, and I can never understand why you're so outgoing, but that shouldn't make you treat me the way you do sometimes. I'm not "boring," my interests and views are just vastly different from yours. I'm not a "hermit," I just really like my alone time because I'm extremely introverted. I'm not "anti-social," because I want to be, it's because I'm too afraid to talk to people, and it's people like you who don't help any.
You're not the worst parent in the world. I don't hate you, and I never could even after all you've done, how you partially caused the way I am now. I am extremely disappointed though, and I can't seem to let go of that. You're just not the parent I wanted you to be. Then again, maybe I'm not the child you wanted me to be either.
You realize I'm often irritable, and sometimes I'm difficult to deal with. Trust me, I can't stand myself either. For once though, did it ever cross your mind to ask me, "What's wrong?" or "Why are you so angry?" There was a time where your son went through a bit of an anger phase. He was always angry, not just simmering angry, but he would break things. I remember one day you asked him, "Why are you so angry all the time?" and you two sat down and had a talk. Not once did you offer that to me, and you still don't. Rather you just blurt out whatever word/phrase that comes to your mind, "b****," "grump," "stop pmsing," "I don't want to hear it," etc. Then you wonder why I'm so angry and irritable most of the time. For once, I would love it if someone would just sit with me and ask me "What's wrong?" and just be patient with me. Is that really too much to ask?
Another thing I never understood is why you weren't affectionate towards your children. You never were like most mothers, who would say "I love you" after the end of every phone call, when they left to go to school in the morning, or when saying good night. You've never done any of those things, and I really have to ask why? You were never the type to say to your children how "beautiful" or "pretty" they were. Call me sappy, but I love seeing/hearing parents say that to their children. Not once have you ever called me "beautiful" or "pretty." You've called me "cute" occasionally, but more times have you referred to me as "ugly." Many times going over friends houses I've seen how their mothers treat them and I wish(ed) so bad that my mother would treat me the same.
I hate how distant we are. Even when we do get along, there's always a sense of tension, never really a true sense of closure. We are so incredibly different, we always have been. I know you can't understand the way I act, and I can never understand why you're so outgoing, but that shouldn't make you treat me the way you do sometimes. I'm not "boring," my interests and views are just vastly different from yours. I'm not a "hermit," I just really like my alone time because I'm extremely introverted. I'm not "anti-social," because I want to be, it's because I'm too afraid to talk to people, and it's people like you who don't help any.
You're not the worst parent in the world. I don't hate you, and I never could even after all you've done, how you partially caused the way I am now. I am extremely disappointed though, and I can't seem to let go of that. You're just not the parent I wanted you to be. Then again, maybe I'm not the child you wanted me to be either.
SilentBird
Well-known member
1.
2.
3.
Oh that didn't work.
2.
3.
Oh that didn't work.
Anton45
Active member
To my co workers, I have had a hell of a time just getting by for a long time now at work and after having known so many of you for many years , to have you all pounce on me like a wounded animal when I was at a really low point was incredibly hurtful.
I have rarely complained about struggling in life with this disorder so to have people kick you when your down but still doing your best was just the worst feeling, thank you all so much!
I have rarely complained about struggling in life with this disorder so to have people kick you when your down but still doing your best was just the worst feeling, thank you all so much!
Anton45
Active member
I know now from personal experience Gaucho that there is always hope, I've been to hell and back , so bad that I completely lost who I was (drugs) and thought that I was doomed to a life of paranoa and confusion. After the fog cleared basically I was left with SA and OCD, and now after 27years of a lot of mental problems I can say for a fact that there is always hope, I'm not cured but I'm a hell of a lot better than I used to be.
So don't give into depression(been there, researched the different ways to kill myself) , no matter how **** life may be now it will get better. Look you made one friend already, me.
Roman Legion
Well-known member
To the world: I wish you would just leave me alone..
To the Army: I have done and am doing all I can possibly do while having SM, cut me some slack, if I didn't need the money, I'd like to tell you to go f**k yourself.. Especially Master Sergeants that have nothing better to do than shout at lower enlisted.. Thank god I'm not active duty, or I'd have shot myself by now!
To my parents: It's hard enough getting through life being mute in most social situations without you forcing me into ones that I don't need to be in.. I wish you would believe me when I tell you I have SM, rather than thinking I am pulling this out of my arse.. Do you know what it is like to go through life unable to commnicate or associate with people (Not that I really want to anyway) It makes me want to start punching myself in the throat and go full mute just so someone believes me about something! I'm not being a jerk in public when I don't talk to you, I just can't get my words to come out! Stop trying to make me socialize and date, I have no interest in dating or talking to people.. Imagine dealing with your social fears and extreme anxiety on a day to day basis.. Yeah, it doesn't feel so good, eh?
To god if you do somehow magically exist: You have one cruel sense of humour, you son of a b****.. Can't you just let one thing go the way I want it to for once? Since I don't believe in you, I guess this is a waste of my time..
To the Army: I have done and am doing all I can possibly do while having SM, cut me some slack, if I didn't need the money, I'd like to tell you to go f**k yourself.. Especially Master Sergeants that have nothing better to do than shout at lower enlisted.. Thank god I'm not active duty, or I'd have shot myself by now!
To my parents: It's hard enough getting through life being mute in most social situations without you forcing me into ones that I don't need to be in.. I wish you would believe me when I tell you I have SM, rather than thinking I am pulling this out of my arse.. Do you know what it is like to go through life unable to commnicate or associate with people (Not that I really want to anyway) It makes me want to start punching myself in the throat and go full mute just so someone believes me about something! I'm not being a jerk in public when I don't talk to you, I just can't get my words to come out! Stop trying to make me socialize and date, I have no interest in dating or talking to people.. Imagine dealing with your social fears and extreme anxiety on a day to day basis.. Yeah, it doesn't feel so good, eh?
To god if you do somehow magically exist: You have one cruel sense of humour, you son of a b****.. Can't you just let one thing go the way I want it to for once? Since I don't believe in you, I guess this is a waste of my time..
I don't like this human life. We're blind to our own nature, and blind to the systems in place to maintain the artificial nature. Forced to dream, inside a dream, of a better tomorrow that won't come. Because the dream that we're forced to dream, is a sugar coated nightmare, to me.
This life knows neither freedom nor truth. It only knows the fantasy shell that surrounds actual real life. It taunts me.
This life knows neither freedom nor truth. It only knows the fantasy shell that surrounds actual real life. It taunts me.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
I agree with you on that, Puma.
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