Picky in dating

[this_portrait]

Is anyone rather picky when it comes to dating?

I know, right... We have social anxiety (and possibly other issues), therefore we have no RIGHT to be picky and should just take whatever we can get. Amirite?

Dunno about anyone else here, but I say **** that.

Lately I've been frustrated (well, annoyed and disgusted are better words to describe it) at all the bad luck I've been having. I'm just not interested in 99% of the dudes who message and/or approach me, and I've gotten to the point where I just feel pissed off to the point of tears whenever it happens. I find myself thinking, "Really? THAT'S all that wants me?"

Then a nagging part of me feels like a bitch for thinking and feeling that way, but I can't help it. It all just feels so unfair, and I don't think I should have to be stuck with someone I'm not attracted to just because I can't find anyone I AM attracted to, or because I have this damn condition that makes socializing difficult.

I had doubts about posting this because I feared I would get nasty "oh boo ****ing hoo" responses, but screw it. I need to get it out.

 

[S_Spartan]

Perhaps your expectations are a bit too high.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I agree. You shouldn't! Find someone that you're attracted to.

 

[this_portrait]

Perhaps your expectations are a bit too high.

I've gotten this before. Unfortunately, whenever I've lowered them, it turned out to be just... ugh, embarrassing, in some cases, and more disappointing in others.

 

[Odo]

I honestly couldn't claim to know all the answers, but if I learned that someone wasn't attracted to me and dating me only because they thought they were somehow wrong for feeling that way, I would be pretty upset.

I can understand giving people a chance and being open-minded/less superficial/forgiving of their faults if you think you have issues with commitment or actually see something in them that is appealing, but usually if you're not into someone at the outset it's not going to develop into anything special. Sometimes even if you ARE really into someone at the outset it doesn't become anything special.

I would say stay picky-- that way when it does happen it will feel even more special. Don't just settle in the short term (or worse, in the long term) because you haven't met enough people or aren't finding any keepers from your local dating pool.

In many ways, I also need to follow this advice.

 

[S_Spartan]

I've gotten this before. Unfortunately, whenever I've lowered them, it turned out to be just... ugh, embarrassing, in some cases, and more disappointing in others.

I'm not saying to lower them drastically but does it have to be all or nothing?
I mean, if you are already narrowed down to one percent of men then you are really going to have to go through an awful lot of men to find The One.
Plus you will also probably be competing with a lot of other women for the same men.

 

[this_portrait]

I'm not saying to lower them drastically but does it have to be all or nothing?
I mean, if you are already narrowed down to one percent of men then you are really going to have to go through an awful lot of men to find The One.
Plus you will also probably be competing with a lot of other women for the same men.

The 99% comment might be an exaggeration. I wouldn't be able to get an exact percentage of the amount of messages and advances I ignore/turn down, but a lot of the time, it sure feels like it's 99%. What's kinda sad is that so many of them are guys that many girls go for (as in those super fit athletic types). Regardless of whether it's 1% or 5% or maybe even upwards of 10%, the thought of lowering my standards just upsets me and I don't want to do it (again).

 

[F0AM]

I think dating someone you're not attracted to is absurd and a waste of time for both, time that could be spent looking for the right one.

"Really? THAT'S all that wants me?" i know what you mean, and no, that's not being a bitch, it's just being tired lol

Besides, if you're just looking for sex on a date, then attraction is a must (at least physical) and if you're looking for the "perfect partner" in this case you want someone you can spend, if not all, part of your live with, righ? HOW can you not be picky!

 

[Metal_isthe_Answer]

I'm probably super picky myself. It's apparently very hard to find (and perhaps asking too much) someone with similar interests who doesn't smoke/get high and who doesn't or is very minimal in their alcohol consumption.
I don't know, feels like I'm asking too much

 

[this_portrait]

I'm probably super picky myself. It's apparently very hard to find (and perhaps asking too much) someone with similar interests who doesn't smoke/get high and who doesn't or is very minimal in their alcohol consumption.
I don't know, feels like I'm asking too much

I used to be a little like that, but eventually just decided "screw it," even though I don't smoke (cigs or weed) or drink much myself.

 

[Remus]

I can be like this, also have the tendency to get cold feet when people are too full on.

 

[S_Spartan]

Just to add one more thing, sometimes attraction takes time. Sometimes a person may not seem all that attractive at first but then the more you get to know them the more you are attracted to them.
I've had this happen before.

 

[Razzlecherry]

It's totally fine and absolutely healthy to have standards. And yeah, sometimes when you get to know someone, you'll eventually start to desire that person at an intimate level, but our our problem is that we have trouble even connecting to more than a few people, if any. So it's not as likely for us to even have that opportunity.

 

[dannyboy65]

It's good to have standards. Me I have high standards. I won't date anyone that drinks to much or does drugs as I used to be down that path and are 3.5 years clean now. Smoking is a turn off and I most likely won't date a smoker seeing as I'm 1 year and 3 months smoke free. From my last relationship I know that I don't want to date a woman with a child because when it ends your not just leaving the woman, your also leaving the child. I also want to have some physical attraction. But mainly I want the woman to be a best friend to me but also that romantic partner.

 

[Resurrection]

I'm very picky. I tend to favor certain cute girls, but honestly over time my mindset has changed. Girls that aren't a 10 or even an 8 are starting to make me fall head over heels. I find certain attributes and I'm drawn by them. They don't have to be model standards to me. That was the case when I was a teenager but I'm older now, early twenties. Im not as closed minded, selection wise. Maybe start opening your mind to other perspectives. My anxiety has decreased the less judgemental I am about everything. The more judgemental you are, the more you judge yourself, and it fuels negative perceptions that cause social anxiety.

 

[zharl]

Hmm...as far as I'm concerned, having expectations for people to meet doesn't mean you're "bitchy," it means you have self-respect. I'd say be patient, but I'm also really frustrated, so that would be the pot calling the kettle black. Consequently, I'll just say "good luck" and leave it at that.

 

[Bronson99]

The 99% comment might be an exaggeration. I wouldn't be able to get an exact percentage of the amount of messages and advances I ignore/turn down, but a lot of the time, it sure feels like it's 99%. What's kinda sad is that so many of them are guys that many girls go for (as in those super fit athletic types). Regardless of whether it's 1% or 5% or maybe even upwards of 10%, the thought of lowering my standards just upsets me and I don't want to do it (again).

Why would you turn down the super-fit athletic types? I mean, what more do you need?

 

[Megaten]

Everyone has a standard. But I will say this, if you wanna find someone that youre really into you may have to get more active and start doing more of the approaching/initiating. I know you have SA so yeah, easier said than done. But the number one problem with being passive in dating is you can often find yourself waiting for that right person to come to you and all the wrong people keep getting in the way. As for me, Id do anything with a pulse. Doesnt even have to be a carbon based lifeform either so aliens arent a deal breaker. Im joking dont take me seriously please lol.

 

[Opaline]

No, you are certainly not the only one. I have this exact same issue. I just broke up with someone who sounds great on paper and is attractive, but I just wasn't into him. I sort of was at first but my interest just kept plummeting when I hoped it would do the opposite.

Bottom line is, you can't force attraction or help it when you aren't attracted, and settling is pointless and doesn't do either person any favors. You like what you like, and forget about the people who say your standards are too high. Unless you have a very specific narrow list of requirements, you are just going by whether or not you feel attracted, and you can't help that.

I hate when people say to "give someone a chance" - uhhh, why would I give someone I'm not attracted to a chance? So he can get more attached before I inevitably break up with him? Makes no sense.

 

[SoScared]

Maybe start opening your mind to other perspectives. My anxiety has decreased the less judgemental I am about everything. The more judgemental you are, the more you judge yourself, and it fuels negative perceptions that cause social anxiety.

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