Im sick of this negative self talk that I read, that I have wrote about myself. But its honesty of a reflection of how my mind is in those huge dizzying effects of mental illness I guess.
Im crying a bit, its late and I am just feel so stupid in myself. Its was just so easy for me to de-value myself just because of some guy. And tonight, I just cant help myself sometimes, I guess I need a reality check- that is what I look for - idk really- maybe its just to see a weird security thing that isnt really security at all. I dont really know, but I went on his page tonight and had a little look. So this person I know that I dont really like anymore, but still feel the need to want to have that person in my life and put him up on some pedastool kind of because when Im accepted by him I feel good about myself in a feminine way perhaps, but then again he is the total opposite of that for me really.
Anyway, I cry because I think about him all the time still, regardless of real life. I dont think in romantic terms but in friend terms, but the reality is that this person is by far anyone that I should be friends with or have any clinging to.
I just hate how I cling to that one person and think that because out of anyone I have been around, when he was at work he did make me feel those things I woud desire from that I never get from anyone else. And for me, someone harshly abused and rejected in my past by a male, to have one in the present invite me over and stuff was a big deal and made me feel valued. I know its unhealthy, but its just there and I am mindful of it.
The pain that men can give women is horrible. All that pressure, to look a certain way- that it doesnt matter how they look majority- but it matters deeply to them how a woman should be attractive. You know, so I just hate it - it makes me feel so insecure about myself, how I look and my body and all that.
So i get a bit upset when I see videos of him and his mate - who has this large wooden poster of a naked woman lying with her genitalia exposed, and the video of them watching something that has women parading in a some beauty contest, start of a film or something idk, I dont care. But I cant help but break down when I see things like that- with bdd or my body image issues- its almost ironic how these things are so apparent and everywhere, especially in places in the past you thought were safe.
I just really hate it. I mean, it sends the message that all men are shallow and that this huge weight of pressure is on women to look attractive to men's standards otherwise we are a nobody and labeled that. Its like even if I were to find a really down to earth, loveable guy that he would probably still be exactly like every other guy right- shallow on women's looks and have collections of women on the internet ( those photoshopped weird selfie women).
It will never end.
Someone like myself so insecure. I mean look back at my traumas- imagine being in bed with a guy and your half naked and he tells you the things he doesn't like about your body to you, and that your too skinny and this and that. Imagine the heartbreak, hurt and anger and feeling so defeat and insecure lying there. .. That was me 9 years ago. A long time, but I had alot of trauma from that person, even though I never provoked, was always passive and always nice to him. It was abusive and it was a trauma.
Anyway, so things just kick back at me because of this guy. I go through my head most days lots of thoughts about how sad it is for me to live like this- thinking about someone that is not thinking about me- and someone too how is someone that shouldnt even appeal to me. I go through days seeing myself as someone else. As a looser kind of thing, seeing how I am rejected on many levels. And how men arent safe. Seeing how I will everyday somehow think that I might be thought of or invited over knowing that it is very unlikely.
I go through days thinking about when that guy told me how good looking so and so of his past was- as in trying to tell me I wasnt good enough- that its all about looks and I am not in that crowd, but I somehow thought I was then, thought I had some pretty in me and sexy too. Then so many things to back all that up, the negative stuff.
To think of lonely days ahead too. And to think back that I was a joke to that person probably. I was never what I thought I was to him. I just get attachted to people and their security.
And its horrible. I guess this person drove me up the wall. I hate it. This person doesnt like me, doesnt think about me. Have no idea why he has wanted to hang out with me. I think its because he has felt sorry for me in being lonely or maybe he thinks that because he knew that I liked him- that it is an ego thing I dont know.
I just dream about kicking his butt one day- as insane as he is. Its a fantasy that is based on my self esteem and ego and wanting to be unrealistic. I would love to make myself up for once - because I never wear makeup. I would love to define my behind (yes lol) and all that, and wear cool clothes, have nicer hair and for once actually feel confidence in my body image again but flexible and confident to be feminine and be pretty kind of.
I would love to be that way and then see that guy next time we are to hangout. Like I said unrealistic. But wouldn't that be something if he saw me as attractive and sexy, feminine and saw my confidence in that. That I accepted and loved myself and made myself pretty and attractive with a makeover and self acceptance. I would if that happened, I would want to reject him too kind of.
Anyway there are things I wanted to mention but a bit tired so I will continue later.
