Well going to work today was probably something that was good for me to do. Even though I was of course late and had trouble sleeping last night, I still got there in time and did my usual work. But I felt very empty and depressed.
I said happy bday to the guy this morning. I know that he is not for me and that we hardly have much in common, but he responded to me- when I got home this afternoon there was a message that if I wanted to hang out tomorrow night. So I probably will. Taking in the knowledge that he is not into me and remembering the things that I dont really like about him. I just like to go out with a guy because it gives me a thrill like Im accepted - Ive avoided men for so long. But also Im really not liking how I look- my whole face- like Wiliam Dafoe - but not that bad - that is how I kind of see myself in the mirror.
I think yesterday it was such an anxiety to even go to that beauty clinic. The night before I was so anxious I was actually shaking and apprehensive. I mean I avoid hairdressers because of sitting in front of a mirror and being evaluated. Ive avoided anything to do with my appearance really for some time. Just look at my drivers licence - I mean geez- I was so overweight- my face was a blown up bubble and I was so, so sad. I had been that way for many years - avoiding anything and anyone that would highlight that inner neglect of myself, that femininity that I was avoiding.
So I guess its only been almost a year that I have changed. That I started to look into the mirror and actually take action on all those things - those girly things - things I have avoided for so long. Ive come so far, from last year - pushing myself of all those insecurities I had, pushing through them. So I do know that its ups and downs. I just guess that, well it is a balance thing isnt it. I mean to actually take care of your looks is to value yourself really- but it can so easily go the other way- you just want to change and want to look different when you see changes you dont like.
And that is the thing with me. It is my face. I guess I was so used to seeing my face and body differently. I was round and large and chubby and now I am kind of boney and my face is boney, even to touch my cheeks. I really hate it. And to put my bdd aside, I think anyone who has got these changes in their face would probably feel the same way. To have successfully have lost so much weight (even if it wasnt really acted on) is something I should be celebrating really, but to have lost the volume in my face- that has really got me feeling and looking ugly.
After some time since yesterday, since the consultation with the lady that looked like a 40 something Barbie, after that - Ive had time to think. Yes it was really really hard to even just go in there but I did that right? And even harder to actually be in a brightly lit white room with a mirror and a with a lady talking about my deep insecurity, my face. To look in that mirror that day was so horrible. To see my face was like burning in pain. I felt so upset and so ugly that I wanted to literally die right there. Especially seeing myself talk. That is one of my things I hate, is my mouth when I open it- I become super ugly then- its just my bone structure and my face gets long and well its hard to describe , but I just look different to my face when my mouth is closed instead.
The thing is Ive decided I want this done now. Because I know that nothing is going to fix it but this and she did say that it can be a dramatic positive thing to women. I know that I will probably be very unhappy until I get this fixed. I mean I will still be unhappy, but it will be one less thing that I wont like. It will help me look okay again. It will help me to feel a little confidence perhaps.
The thing is though, it means having to go in for another appointment. Means being strong. I do know now that any anxiety I have can make or even trigger BDD attacks. So I know going in there again - I know what I am dealing with in having another consultation. I guess I have to kind of like going to the dentist but far worse- like going to a spider park when your scared of spiders.
So it would mean having another consultation, looking in that little round mirror and pointing out where I want the filler to go and what is bothering me. I had a very hard time to even lift the mirror up and have a look. Because I was in a public place that was highlighting beauty and people with makeup and stuff. Its like I have 'safe' mirrors. The ones at home and at work. But any mirror is a challenge to look in and then to leave them. Except the one at the clinc- I could leave that one.
So the process would go something like she would after I sign some things - she would get a doctor in and then fill the needle and I would lie on a lounge type clinical chair and hold a mirror in front of me and she would work with me to put it in the spots suitable. And then there would be photographs I think too.
So its alot to deal with for something I so want. Photographs are the biggy as well as the mirror. I have a severe phobia of the camera. When I look into them in my phone, even if I see someone I like in the mirror, in the camera, its completely different. Its always been like that. In fact all my photos just about are really bad- like the start of last year when I went to this wedding, omg- I had a wisdom tooth issue then and my mouth was a little swollen and weird- but I had photos taken of me with my mouth weirdly open laughing or something =, but with white lines over my face literally from the sun pouring through the trees- the worst was that I was with other people and I was the only one with these weird lines on my face- it made me look like I had some deformity of my face literally and yet that photo and others just as bad were posted on FB- ones of just my profile- really bad photos like it was like that is how I am seen and that I didnt matter - to have such horrible blooper photos like that on fb at the time. And still today I still just cant work out why people - anyone around me can take photos of themselves and look okay and yet I dont look okay- I dont look the same as in the mirror. I look terrible. I just dont get it and it really hurts.
Anyway, to get this filler done, I mean I feel like I just want to go there, sit in that chair hold my breath and just get it done and then not go back for a year or so. But it is a kind of picky thing because I have to be looking at myself in the mirror and have photos taken and prob have to look at that too.
But I have this hope in me of the future. Of what I want the rest of this year to be like. Coming up to nearly the half way mark- its been rotten so far. In fact its been the worst its been in such a long time. But having said that I am dealing with emotions that I have held within me for so long. I have neglected my needs as a woman and an independent young person for so long so I guess it all coming out in depression and anxiety is natural and better than being repressed into emotional eating what I did for almost a decade.
So I envision myself for the next half of this year- to push myself even further. That means to still keep cutting through my insecurities, to still keep having these horrible bdd attacks where I feel so ugly and want to literally die - but yet surviving them and getting less intense,
I want to push myself to really do things that are out of my comfort zone in terms of self care and looking after myself. Because the one thing that I don't have or feel like I really want is that femininity - its like its buried deep down in shame in me- and last time I saw my therapist we talked a bit about that- and its something that I want to bring to the surface- and eventually feel comfortable with.
This is what I want- for this year- obv I want that filler because as superficial as it sounds- its something I feel would help with my confidence. After the drama of getting that done I feel like I can get on with my life. But there is always a risk that it might make no difference to my face who knows.
But I want to after that, and after the attacks that will likely follow, I want to live a much better loving life to myself. You know, clean my room and make it girly a sanctury, and to live my life with self compassion and self love- and not how it is now. Because hating how you look and inside really hurts and it hurts those around you- especially my dog that I so neglect.
Last year I had a quite a few months where I was kind of living that way, I respected myself and was well groomed and was starting to channel my inner femininity and self love. And it radiated too. It was really good. But I let the outside get to me and the tiny strings I go on to lift me up were'nt a match to the outside force- because Ive had very little if none at all really of encouragement and feedback in my past about how I look or who I am- just negative really or none - so insecurity and stuff just break me easily.
But Im one of those people who get motivated easily. I think through more sessions with my therapist, more pushing my boundaries with self care and getting to find my feminine side, things like working out, living with hope and compassion, acceptance and also trying to find that person in the mirror that I think I like, mirror challenges and maybe later camera challenges, exposure stuff,
My goal is to be able to accept and like who I look and who I am by pushing through my insecurities- changing things I dont like and accentuating things I do.
When you read about successful people - they usually say that they create themselves over and over- I mean you just look at madonna right?
So I am going through a pretty bad time right now and severely dont like how I look. I can accept that I am going to go through rounds of intense depressive anxiety attacks like I did last night that felt like I was dying in so much emotional pain, I think as long as I have hope and self compassion - hope for me is that I have seen before things that I have liked about my appearance- and compassion for myself inside despite my outside appearance.
I guess I want to fight back somehow. I want to be that confident, attractive, independent, self loving, compassionate, unique and creative, feminine girl I want to be. And that means trying my own way to beat my demons I guess.
Its really hard. But I just want to be well.
I know that there is a big part of me that believes that I have to look a certain way to get love and acceptance from people because of things in my past. Especially the time when I accidently found my dad's porn collection at 15 and actually ripped it all up lol ! I did that because I had just been raped and sexualised at 14 by my bf at the time- (we would be allowed(??!!) to sleep over each others places all the time, and this was a guy that would fondle me in the privates (with me pushing him away) under the desk during class with perhaps anyone - including the teacher seeing- also the guy's parents didnt have a bathroom door for some reason- but just a curtain instead- and there I would be having a shower and then no privacy from the then bf) but after being then ignored and dumped for a senior girl after all that forced sexualisation I was a huge mess- to then finding my dads huge garbage bag of porn- I mean yeah, I remember being obsessed with reading it and looking at the pictures as I never knew anything about that and really what went on with my bf at the time- till I read some thing that said about if a woman pushes you away that just means she wants it more and is just playing- had diagrams and all - that then made me rip everything up. Then of course it was found out that I had been through that- and without anything said about that - nothing about porn - that was taboo with my parents - it was embarrassing but I was just shamed instead, told that I couldnt be trusted to be in the house because I go through people's things and for a whole summer school holidays I was locked out of the house with a lunch box and drink bottle. Having lived on a block of land 7 km from town, I was just left there feeling ashamed and left in a paddock basically. So talking to my therapist, she says that I learnt from that- that perhaps I need to look like those women in the magazines and be all perfect to get love and affection- and my shame turns into insecurity- it certainly explains my past with an eating disorder.
Anyway, I have alot of pain inside that I jsut cant cope keeping in anymore. Also, I was going to say about my consultation and proceedure that I feel I want and kinda need. That if I watch enough of those Embarrassing Bodies episodes then maybe it will make me feel less anxious perhaps. Because those people who go on there with those deep insecurites - that is how I felt too.
Its just that since Ive lost so much weight its like everything has just gotten distorted and down hill. My face especially and also I have such boney shoulders. Its like I have to build so much muscle, in my face and my shoulders and my chest and my back, I mean my back has my spine showing. Its horrible to be this thin like this, but I am the right weight for my height. Its just weird considering how much I eat and how fatty I eat too. That I just am this weight. I also hate the saggy eyelids thing with my saggy cheeks - its embarrasing. And I especially hate my nose too- it just sticks out and catch a glimpse of my profile- omg lets just die in horror.
And my hair all fallen out. And nothing I put on helps me to look healthy, I look so skinny and because of my face eaten away and boney, it probably looks like I have an eating disorder. I just want to look happy, healthy - glowing with health and youthful and refreshed and pretty. Thats it.
I just feel like there are so many things right now that are a shock to me when I look in that mirror. And to see that and then be social is just hard.
