Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

There is a reason I title this diary 'how not to live your life'.

After all I rant on about from my emotions, from my head and then there I go making a stance and yet there I go again to doing the complete opposite. I mean everyone wants to belong and be accepted.
So last night I was on fb and put some cute animal post up. Then there were comments from that guy teasing me about being a veggie, just fun stuff. So there then was a correspondence in posts that was just crude humor and I had some fun with it. The next thing I know he is asking me to come over and mind you, its 10:30 at night. So there I was thinking should I not, after a whole few days of feeling so very lonely and just wanting some interaction. So I said yes. I drove over to his place about an 15 minute drive. When I got there he was very jumpy and his speech a little hard to understand. His family being away, he was home alone with his dog who would cont bark at me. And that got him a bit annoyed a few times slamming the door. But we started talking and stuff and he was in a bit of a jumble in his speech and thoughts. But he told me what I found disturbing was that he has been doing meth with his mates now- and this is a guy who is schizo (mental illness). I was a bit shocked by that. The way he was talking about things, being very worked up and swearing in every sentence and stuff. Anyway, we watched some films and youtube stuff. Stayed up all night. Then I slept there for a little while and then we watched some more stuff on youtube and then later at about 1:30 in the afternoon I left. He can be a very genuine person, a gentleman and that is what can reel me in - just his voice- but you see someone like that can be disturbing.
Im starting to fall asleep after being up all night- so I will continue this later.
So, yeah been very tired from being up all night. Now i confirm that this guy is not bf quality. I know that. And I also know though that I still get those reject feelings because of being the friend, because it makes me feel like Im not good enough in the looks department you know. But this guy has a super ego and delusions and stuff. But I feel like Im not in a category of attractive and it bothered me today. I know I cannot please, but I would like to please myself. So issues come back of seeing myself in a very unnattractive way - the things that bother me about my looks like my face - those lines from nose to mouth being so apparrent since my weight loss and a bit of deflated cheeks, my hair colour for which when I got home I put a colour remover in my hair even though it was only just a rinse.
I just dont matter. Even when I do matter to that guy even. So its not entirely him then. Its how I feel about myself. I just want to feel pretty and feminine and have that on my identity- not unnattractive and stuff. I dont know I am tired so. I hate cigarette smell and being around someone who smokes 24/7, I feel like Ive been in a bush fire or something. I feel toxic and my lungs are a bit funny, and my eyes and my skin.
And I feel edgy now. I feel like I presented this horror person - how I look and inside feel completely horrible - and on the outside presented myself without much femiminity I guess.

 

[grapevine]

Funny how I write whatever comes out - it's good to notice my inner dialogue on how I feel. I guess I am in some way glad that I went l went last night because it just kicks out that ideal of that person I hold onto. I mean this person is taking meth now - what an idiot. Anyway ii know now that I am accepted but that the main issue is wanting to be desired and be a beautiful woman - what I mean is that it can hurt being just a friend like that because your not recognised as a woman as something attractive I guess. And when you put that with hating your looks. So I've decided to try to relax from now on and limit my social exposure for awhile. Because I feel I just want forget about how I am scene by others I just don't want to care anymore and by that I mean I just don't want to be assumed of who I am by others and even accepted by others on face value is hard because i don't accept my self.

I just feel like running away. That is what I have always done. I dont like myself and who I am right now and I really hate how I look and how I feel others see me. Those things get to me, all that male stuff, all that value system and sexism and having to be attractive and feeling like nothing, all that media stuff. I feel so sensitive to it all. I really just dont want to be around anyone anymore. I mean I was writing about how I didnt feel accepted, I am accepted I know that now- I just dont let anyone into my life that will accept me because it feels uncomfortable - just like yesterday. and just like tomorrow and the next day when I go to work. I want to stay away from people, I dont want to be evaluated and people know me and think they know me, know my identity and see me as how ever they see me, it just makes me feel so devalued for some reason. When people know you, you want them to see you for how you see yourself or how you want to see yourself. You dont want to be just that person I guess. That is how I feel, just that person, like I want to step well away, step well back and get to the heart of myself. Start from scratch again, throw everything away- get a clean state- everything in my mind and the people in it- and everything I do- I want to begin again. To kick out what makes me to others- to go well into myself- preserve myself away from conceived idenities from others of who I am and to try to make friends with myself again, and grow from there. I am really unhappy, I really dont like myself and i get so hung up in using how I look to serve as my idenitity and because I pretty much feel so ashamed and embarrased for how I look - it makes it very difficult to go out into the world because all you want to do is not be seen.

There was a time when I was a young girl when I felt feminine and living out of my values and my deep down needs. I mean I was a very young girl, but even at that age I set my boundaries even if it was a shy way. I allowed people in my life in my inner circle that valued me in a way that was feminine and shared the same values.

I dont know. I just want to see myself in a positive light because my whole identity feels like its become something that I really do not like. I want to be able to like how I look and be able to value myself and have a positive self identity.

I need to take stock and find myself and get rid of who I am now because I hate it and never again will I let anyone in who may stop the femininity I want to feel.

Reading back on this I realise that it is I realise that most of my issues are about wanting to like myself on the outside from the inside.

I feel screwed up from my friendship with this guy. I had become obsessed, I just wanted him to like me, be attracted to me and that is insane. I am friends with him and that is all I wanted really but I just dont understand having a male relationship that isnt anything more. Ive never really had that and it actually really hurts me with this guy. I simply get hurt , wanting to know what is so wrong with me and stuff like that. Yet at the same time I realise that and esp in person - that he is not sane and is on drugs now too- that I am not really into him. That I am really only into the guy he is when you strip all that stuff away - because he can be very genuinely kind- yet you cannot strip all that away- its just that he has a few things that I search for in guys but completely clouded by a huge amount of mental illness and insanity and the fact is he just not into me like that. I think its best for me to keep my distance but its such a huge sway to me. But it really does hurt and confuse me to be considered a mate and not sort of acknowledged as a female kind of. What im saying is that I am not living through my values and authentically being around this guy. Like I said that when I was young I was always a girly kind of girl- I was a romantic and always have been, Im the type of person that grew up in the 80s and 90s watching the sound of music and judy garland and old films with my parents. I have always been a romantic and been shy and especially shy around men. I only have an older sister and my whole life has been about avoiding men, even when I was young I never really hung out with boys. So its just to have a friend that is a man but that isnt into you and treats you like a man kind of- well not like a man but - you know yet at the same time be kind to you and like your company. You feel confused, you feel like your just not good enough, your not valued in a way, it makes you feel worthless- inside you feel like your values are being trod on because you are going against yourself- you want to be loved - you want to be identified as someone special and you want your femininity to be identified, to be nourished, you want to feel like an attractive/beautiful/unique woman - being a woman is something special that should be respected and I guess that is what I feel kind of that I am not respected as a female. And that is why I feel like I need to resist going over there again. I know he will ask me again. I need to keep my distance. But I am glad I went over there the other night because I didnt really have this insight before. It has felt like I have in order to resolve this codependence/obsession I have needed to get close to this guy- and the more I have the more I notice that indeed he is not sane, his concept of his world is fragmented and odd and although he can be very friendly and kind and those things can seriously pull me in - I know that t be mindful of them and not act on them. But it is a real challenge when Im around that person- just like when I was with this abusive guy when I was 24- living in his house half the country away from home- he didnt want me as a girlfriend - yet I would think that there was messages in nearly everything he would do and say. But that was a completely different scenario - we slept together and he would actually hint on if I was this and that and if I changed this and that then he would consider me as a girlfriend etc - even though the reality was that we were living together and sleeping together- yet I wasnt good enough to be a girlfriend or to walk next to or eat with when we went out- like I said he was abusive.
So you can see I am completely confused with how to conceptualise a male relationship regardless of insanity from a person. Im not saying that I dont like this person and that I shouldn't see him, Im saying that I need to build up my boundaries. Its funny that when I felt so unaccepted I was obsessed. Now that I know that its was just his illness and drugs too- and that I am actually accepted by him- it has made my obsession completely lessen. And because of that I feel like okay, now lets work on me then. I guess. Which is a good thing, but so much work. I dont even know if I can get to a stage where I like myself again. I guess I have started a little bit in that I have looked at some old photos of myself when I was a kid and started to feel some self love there. I just want to be okay with me- my identity and my self esteem and my body image and I want to be able to feel confident and feminine and have my boundaries.

 

[grapevine]

After work today I felt a bit exhausted and tired and chesty. Had a dog the family is taking care of that the owner is sick and had trouble sleeping because of her.

Anyway I've Ben feeling emotional tonight and crying a bit too. Reading up on chrysal meth - the stages, the effects, the whole lot. It made me feel distressed. I don't know why I have these feelings for him -someone insane and now destructive - but I do and I just keep it to myself and be a distant friend every now and then. But it hurts to see him act so differently - I can see it when I visited him and in his posts. The sad thing is that I don't think his parents see it. I am not going to interfere tho - I will stay out of it. But he is so euphoric and aggressive and anxious now - he is still caring but not relaxed like he used to be. He used to just be so calm and maybe bored - and fun and able to have more patience - but seeing him this week I noticed the change quite striking and when he showed me his pipe. I didn't really know what that was really until he told me. He didn't use it in front of me but he had the effects on him that night. Not sleeping at all for days and not feeling the cold. Even look at his eyes. This is the most destructive and addictive drug one can get . On some level I can understand the peer pressure and also being on anti psychotics making everything feel numb - that taking that stuff he probably thinks he is not doing much damage - but he is- not only to himself but his family and friends too ( not his feral friends that gave him that tho). So emotionally I feel upset and rattled by it. It hurts knowing that someone I have been emotionally mindfully crushing and a friend - that is now just turning into a destructive addict - when you have emotions for someone doing that it just feels a little like mourning but more like shock and sadness and fear. Idk.
Even more a reason to stay away. I just don't understand why his parents don't see it, maybe they do who knows.
But his caring side always has reeled me - for instance on Tuesday I was over all night as we watched movies and YouTube and stuff. I got so tired once daylight hit that I told him I had to sleep and I was shivering as it was freezing - I already had a blanket on me - but gave me a pillow, then kindly put another heavy blanket on me and then turned out the light and closed the door for me. And was very quiet. That's what I mean by he just does things like that - becomes very considerate and caring - and to me that feels like love and so it gets very confusing and addicting. He doesn't see me in that way - I don't know how he sees me anyway. But I need to keep my boundaries. It's just this guy is destructive and I need to respect myself first before being in his environment. As friendliness goes with people I'm around - work - my score that people like me is quite high - but it's my body image and wanting to feel some sort of female value that overshadows that. It's funny how I don't realise the good feedback I do get with my positivity and kindness and friendliness - because I don't see it that wY, more of junpiness and not wanting to be seen - so not fully being there kind of thing. So it's odd how people are very accepting of me when I don't know where if it in and I don't feel valued. Valued I he wsy I want to feel valued. So I don't get him then - that I am liked and happy to see and I don't know why - what does he see in me. Anyway I don't want to chase anymore and I just want to relax and let go. I don't like being called mate by him and I just don't want to feel less female and unattractive and all that because of it all.

 

[grapevine]

Everytime I say I wont I ended up doing those things I dont want to do, well that I do want to do but know that instinctively they are not good for me. Its very odd instincts. Yesterday afternoon coming home from work I had the deep feeling that 'he' would contact me perhaps and ask me over again. And as I was having a shower I thought, no I dont think so- yet something inside me was telling me otherwise. And there it was an invitation to go over again. So I know that instincts are something you should try to trust perhaps. So there I went over again. And I know its going against my feelings. I mean last night coming home from work I was so depressed and feeling that bdd very boldly. Feeling so ugly and tired and all I wanted to do after my shower was hop into bed and think about hiding away from everyone. Literally. I just gave up. And its funny, I think about last year when I saw Oprah live. She said about how she wanted the role in the Colour Purple so badly that tried to go on some starvation diet because Steven Spielberg was wanting a skinny woman for the part. So she went to this fat farm and got really depressed and obsessed. Everyday thinking about how she wasn't going to get accepted for the role as that was her first and favourite book that she loved very much and to be in a movie of it would be amazing for her. Just the first page of that book she could relate to the character in it. Anyway, so there she was one day trying to run with her fat thighs rubbing and getting all sweaty and upset on this fat farm. And she suddenly had a moment where she just decided that she would give up on it and let her future be in the will of god (Im not religious - so I say into the world) and she would just let go and sing some song about letting it go (no not Frozen). That what ever will be will be. And at that very moment, she gets a phone call from Steven Spielberg saying that he wants her for the role and wants her to put on lots of weight - not loose it.
Anyway, its written in so many texts - mainly buddhist and hindi texts about letting go and letting what ever happen happen. So its kind of weird that the minute I do that, that I decide Im not going to wait to be a friend anymore, that Im not going to care- the minute I actually decide to give up on that person - he turns up in my life. Its strange. But its so important fpr me to be so so mindful of myself and intentions and actions and reactions when around this person. I really like the company. But things like last night, we had lights off and were watching tv/online and both sitting on the couch together with the same rug. It felt romantic to me and I felt loved somewhat. But I have to be mindful that in his world it probably meant nothing. And I remember sitting there last night and actually feeling a bit shaken and uncomfortable with if he actually did feel romantic and stuff. Because I really dont like myself -how I look and specific things I am very insecure about with my body- I have a tooth missing at the back of my mouth- things like that. To have someone who you know is not all there. But its twice this week that he has asked me over. Where I have come in the night time and stayed up most of the night watching stuff and things and then stayed till just before lunch. And then he is asking me that I might come over again later or something. Its lonliness I guess. After loosing a job and having the company and stuff. But you know it makes me not confused that much but still. Because I am telling myself that I am not attractive to even be considered something more than just a friend. Its weird how I am there and I am a girl and there is basically nothing that he keeps from me. Very open and letting me into his world basically. I dont understand what that is. But I know that its not that he thinks of me as anything more. Just likes me as a friend. Which is okay. But like I said I need to take things slowly and carefully with someone like him. It just feels like Im getting in with this guy and I just dont know what he sees in me - that I am just company I don't know. That I am easy to get along with and stuff ? When I am over there I am devaluing some of my values- he is a heavy smoker and I am a health nut- so I sacrifice that, then feeling feminine - calling me mate makes me feel like Im not good enough to be treated differently and also with that is just feeling like I am un-alluring to him that he can just fall asleep like that when we hit the sack (im on the couch) - that there is no sexual anything there- when I am still having feelings for him and wanting to be desired and getting self conscious over things whilst also feeling dead un-attractive. At least I told him I didnt like being called mate as it made me feel like a guy- so I am using my boundaries and not devalueing myself slowly. So I just keep going with the flow and letting go I guess. With that is instincts and putting myself first. Im learning fast now I think.

 

[grapevine]

So I went over again. Im just really confused with myself. What am I doing, you know? I mean for ages I would write on here how I wanted to be around this person and that I hated feeling rejected and that when he left work it felt empty etc. Yet now I have basically been to his place majority of the week. Im freaked out a bit, we are only friends, yet for the second night we were sitting on the couch rugged up, sitting next to each other watching films. There was a sort of closeness to that and I liked it but at the same time I freak out in my mind. As much as I want him to fall for me, because I had already done that to him ages ago. Tho, I see him as just a friend now. The thought of him actually doing so is alot of pressure on me because of my bdd and all my bodily insecurities and his perfectionism I guess when it comes to women. He's just a lonely guy, I dont think he likes me and that perhaps is a relief. Its just that this morning waking up on the couch and when I had a short time to myself I tried to make myself look not as bad as I would in the morning - and looked at myself through my phone as there were no mirrors. I got a horrid fright with that and started to just hide my face. Its embarrassing, shameful, painful, hurtful to be seen like that. I could have stayed longer but I wanted to get out because of that. To look so ugly and be in the room of the guy that youve liked for some time- of someone you have dreamed of trying to impress silly enough. To look so bad with your face drooping and all that. Where there is not one ounce of attractiveness about you. Granted I havent been looking after myself lately at all, plus yesterday when I wasnt going to go over there last night until he asked me again and I decided to go. I just feel like there is a part in me that is feeling so emotional right now because of all this. Because I am spending time with him and it kind of feels in a way that he is starting to like me more. I dont know, but it scares me though. I dont like myself- asthetically and deeply insecure about certain parts of my body. I dont like going over there when I feel this bad about myself, in a way being accepted and forcing myself to not take on my bdd by actually going over there rather than hiding away is probably better for me. Also I feel anxious and its like when Im home I have to come down from this anxiety high and rediscover myself again. I feel jittery and exposed and in some way co-dependent.
I have to get away from all this- I just feel so unhealthy and ugly and anxious right now. I feel un-feminine and exposed too. When I want to be alluring and like myself and be on top of my health. I dont smoke and yet when Im over there I am in a room environment filled with passive smoke- I sleep in that when Im over- and it really reacts with me- in my lungs - they have felt yucky since I first went over there mid week. I feel like Ive copped a lot this toxic smoke and its reacted to my eyes, lungs, nose and skin and given me headaches. It has made me want to start looking after myself again. Getting into exercise and juicing 3 times a day like I used to, except I never really did those things together. But doing them together plus eating a whole lot better too- I think I can feel and look much better in myself.
Also I need to let go. When you have anxiety you just want to hold onto things. Right now Ive noticed that he is not on fb and is always on there- that is says he hasnt been on there in 5 hours- and I get all idk this feeling a sense of missing out or something. Its really silly- I place attachments on people and things and yet at the same time I dont want to be around anyone. Anyway, my lungs hurt a bit and I do have the flu too. He will ask me over again probably, he mentioned next weekend- but I might turn him down. I just want to put myself and my health first. Its hard because I love feeling accepted and I really like hanging out with him and being myself, yet I really hate hating how I look and feeling really insecure when there are pretty women in the films we watch and stuff and knowing that I am not attractive esp to him makes it even worse. Especially in the morning.
I want to take time out and not hang out for a bit. Its like all of a sudden since last week or so- just from fb, and he asks me over and then from there Ive been over quite a bit. I just cant be a friend or anything else to anyone really when I feel this bad about myself and my identity.

 

[grapevine]

Havent felt too good these past few days with the flu or some stomach bug and stuff. But I wok up this morning feeling alot better mentally and physically from having a really good long sleep in my own bed and dreaming of my own time what I have been yearning to do. Ive been thinking about the next 6 months- esp looking at spring in about 4 months time. Ive been thinking about my past when I used to be very fit and actually never really thought about it much that I was actually really fit. Like really, really fit. And I remember how good that actually felt. So that is something that I have decided to take on now. I feel like Im kind of out of that feeling of rejection. Yet at the same time I do get a little depressed and confused and hurt a little that this person isnt really into me- but I take it that he has his illness and he is not an emotionally available person and never will be, and perhaps that is better for me to learn that- because it is kind of making me choose to be that for myself. And to just let go and go with the flow, accepting that I cannot control or change anyone- especially their opinions of me- but I can change my own and so that is what I am trying to do. There is a balance of acceptance and improving how you see yourself and your identity.
I just hate having this body image issue- I really hate it- I hate bdd. It really has caused so much issues in my life. I guess I am feeling alot better for now. Even though I am really not liking myself.
Like today, just going shopping is kind of hard. You think your nothing. Nothing special, a nobody- andthe way you look is plain and nothing. That with all the other females walking around - and you compare yourself in a way- not actually compare but you just see them as better than you. In my mind I think about the guy I am now friends and justify why Im not attractive to him by looking at all the other women around- women with nice long hair and I look at faces and just superficial stuff like that. Anyway, I am getting better. I guess I jsut needed this guy to accept me. I shouldnt really need anyone, and I do have my negative things about this friendship- and feeling like I am nothing still - I wil always have that - in any relationship anyway Im pretty sure. But anyway, I am from now seeing a better future for myself. I am quite good at resilience. There was a time not that many months ago where I was in really really severe emotional pain and felt suicidal- yet I knew that I would never act on that - it was just a deep feeling of pain that I was enduring and that I needed to even take a few pain killers just to make me tired enough and get that hot water bottle and listen to some music that would take me out of the reality I was in, because I didnt want to be in it. I thought I would never get out of that- I thought that the rest of the year I would be like that. Its been hard, but Ive just kept on going. But now I am feeling a little bit better. I started i again this morning. I think what has made me feel better is believing that I do not need anyone's approval of me- Ive been practicing being mindful of that- so when I want others to like me- I recognise I just cannot control how others see me and thats okay - im learning not to care so much about that but to care more about how i see and treat myself and my values. How i so easily override my own values and needs and stuff just to be social with others. For now I just feel like I dont want to be seen and heard for awhile - I feel like I just want to take care of my own business and wipe my slate clean.
So I have this thing where I completely utterly am in disgust of myself - how I look and its really painful. Its bdd I know that, but its so horrible. And I just feel like everyone around me contributes to it. I get bad things from mum and get devalued from others, Im not even in a category of female to the guy I like. And then even after a big cry and anxiety attack and feeling so rotten - and then going through the bdd and body image workbooks again and then going on facebook and looking at photos of friends from school and how I like their appearance despite them not being models you know- that I recognise everyone is special. And then I start to feel okay. But thats just it- when ever I just start to feel okay and even sometimes in the rare times I can feel really good about my appearance nd confident and then there is always someone to put me down and put me back in that place. For instance tonight after an attack I went and had a nice warm long shower and then I tried these things (which are kinda embarrassing and funny at the same time) these little tape things that are invisable but you place on eyelid and they lift it up a bit- helps open your eyes if you have a little droop you know. So I try them on and actually like what they have done. I can see a bit better and notice they help make my eyes look bigger- as my eyelids have been a body image thing I dont like. So anyway, they are invisable, and Im wearing them and walk into the lounge where my mum is- the first thing she says to me - not knowing I have these things on - is that I need to get some sleep as I am looking tired and glary in the eyes- basically that I look terrible. I hate it. I thought I was looking okay with these things on, and yet the very thing I was needling in on had to be the thing that she mentions that I was looking terrrible. So I just get so frustrated with when ever I do like myself- I get blown down. the behaviour of others puts me back into that bad place of my body image. I am not valued.
But seeing pictures of people I know on fb from my past and admiring them as they are and history I remember - that seeing them value themselves and being normal people I guess makes me feel better about myself. That I dont have to be this perfect person- to be liked. I guess that is what this guy I hang out with makes me feel. And that hurts.

 

[grapevine]

I live in so much fear and pain. God I hate it so much. I hate this bdd. I hate that this guy stirs up feelings in me that desperately want me to look attractive and feminine and pretty and all that stuff when I look and feel the complete opposite and that is is confirmed - at least not on the good enough kinda thing.
It really does hurt inside to look in the mirror and see someone you cant connect with. Someone that isnt pulling up to your ideals - your values. I want to be so feminine and yet I look at my reflection and just absolutely hate it. I plan in fear yet also in love. So i plan to want to change myself over and over again. Always by the way I eat and how I care for myself. I figure if I can just get into the habit of looking after myself again much better than things may then fall into place. On a recent BDD conference I watched on Youtube a guy mentioned how to take up to 3 months break from image related stuff because your monitor is broken. But how do I do that when Im around a guy I like- that makes me feel like I have to go and evaluate my looks and judge my score I guess?? I dont know. Just tonight and today have been very hard. All I want to do is hide away.Its so painful. And then I get all stupid because so and so isnt posting on fb and became friends with some girl that I know isnt anything but he hasnt posted anything since and I think he's gone and shaved his hair and done silly things again- some other personality. I hate feeling so so ugly. Like im just not good enough at all to be romanced and all that and even if I were it would feel uncomfortable because of the way I feel I look about myself.
I just want to hide away yet I also love hanging out with this guy- having the same type of humor and being able to finish each others jokes on fb and he can be so sincere and stuff. Yet at the same time its an unhealthy relationship with me being like this and him being like him and the unspoken agendas. Im just there for company, Im not special, Im not pretty and sexy and valued and anything like that. Yet I crave it. Its really hard to just - you know your sitting on the couch together and sharing a warm blanket because its freezing and both laughing genuinely at the same time from a funny scene in a film and you feel connected and it feels wonderful but to also know that your not you know. It hurts. I dont know where that persons feelings lie- I dont think they lie around me though. But it makes me want to push myself into loving myself- liking my appearance- but I dont know if that is out of fear or love or what ever. I find it so hard to accept myself right now. When I was overweight I used to sort of like my appearance- isnt that funny. I used to think that I was pretty and that if I was to loose weight again I would be a bombshell lol. Well, you loose all that weight and your face changes - esp when your over 30. Its not a huge difference- but its enough to change your face shape and how you see yourself. So Ive booked for perhaps next week to have another consultation if not an actual proceedure with fillers in my cheeks. It sounds so silly, but its something that is bothering me all the time, especially in the morning. That perhaps this - with all the changes it could perhaps bring- may help me. Its like in the morning- lets say I slept over this guys place and in the morning my face is like so withdrawn- that I just feel embarassed and so unattractive. What this filler does is just give me back a healthy look so I dont look so withdrawn- it just plumps up my cheeks a little. Yet the thing is it will bring about bruises for up to 2 weeks and hardening. I might end up with time off work with an excuse if that is the case. Anyway I know that it will be hard because I hate how I look and know that even by doing this - its not going to really change how I look much- its not going to make me pretty or make others see me as that. But anyway, I guess having that done I will just have to detatch myself from the mirror for a while. I just would hate it to be noticable and look bad. I only want a slight pickup. Anyway I know this sounds like im up myself or what ever- but it bothers me- I would only ever attempt to get this done if it did. I lost so much weight- I jsut want my face back to looking healthy again. I dont like looking sick and like a sadsack because my face.
Anyway, I tried today to exercise on my xtrainer. I did it for a little while but then got all emotional and had to go into bed and cry for ages again.
But I want to just feel really good about myself despite how I look. I hate my hair at the moment and wish it was like it was before I destroyed it not that long ago - trying to get attention from..
But all I can do is look after myself so well that the future may be better. Look after myself each day as well as I can. Its like breathing - in and out- my emotions- I get upset and fall down and its very painful and then I pick myself up and try again and the cycle goes on.

I just really want to like myself. I want to like my appearance and who I am. And I think starting up exercising really helps with that. Tonight I made a really nice vegan stew that had seaweed noodles (full of minerals), tahini, lentils, mung beans, can of tomatoes, sweet potato and sweet potato noodles, miso, brewers yeast, brussel sprouts, lots of
onions and chive onions,leek, miso, curry powder, onion powder and chilli powder. I forgot to add some black strap molasses for more minerals but I can add that tomorrow. This stuff made me feel alot better as I had a cold.

See there was a time years ago where I was so so fit, like very fit - I was a long distance walker and hill climber and loved the feeling of wearing myself out - going all dayers just walking- a bit like Forrest Gum except not running but walking. It used to be my savour and in fact after I hit rock bottom after the abuse and rape and coming home from interstate and being all alone, being rejected and being cheated on (yet he said we werent together despite sleeping together and living together- I just wasnt good enough) and all that- I remember walking every single day after I got up from not seeing the daylight for months. I walked everywhere - I walked about 28 km a day - seeing how far I could go - packing my lunch and stuff. And I remember even before all that - walking made me very fit- I jsut remember living off of these hearty big stews and walking everywhere and having such a good feeling almost like a full sense of well being and even sometimes euphoria. I remember my skin was glowing and my mind was much better. I slept better and mornings were positive experiences.

I want that. That is what I tried to kind of do today. I tried to exercise, but I fell down emotionally again. Tomorrow I have to work and the next day and then even though I havent heard from the guy since last night- he said that perhaps I hang out again on the weekend. Its just weird that since a week and a half ago- Ive slept over his place quite so many times now. And he has no insecurities really around me, not that I can see- its like I am just family or something - I dont know.
I guess thats why - and I know I shouldnt and perhaps are not even anyway- doing this because of him- but because I want to value myself - I want to regardless of him in my life- I want to be that woman that cares about herself so much actively that it makes her happy within herself and out of herself too. Authentically happy and present and all that. I jsut cannot do that at all right now. I want to exercise and juice and walk places and have my stews and have sprouts and dance and grow my hair long and do weights and have fun working out and feeling myself as strong. Enjoying all that - and then oneday perhaps start to like who I am, know who I am am care for myself because my actions have been I guess.

 

[grapevine]

Bit of a gloomy odd day today at work. I didnt sleep last night as I had chocolate that kept me up and I was online. So today when I woke up late and had a quick shower and then quickly got dressed and out the door- I was half asleep. Yet I was jumping all over the place. I hate when I get like that. I get so enthusiastic and happy and energetic like I get off on my anxiety. I hate that I can be so friendly and jump around literally - be okay when Im not okay. Its like a euphoria of anxiety I can tap into and get the giggles and have fun and be obscure and silly and not care- I get like that easily but at the same time Im not tapping into my authentic feelings for the day either. So I can be all up in the air and happy but also using that to hide from myself the deep insecurity I feel or felt today. The one that says I am very ugly and not worth talking to- or that I am this skinny ugly faced not important girl/person. That feels like just running away in shame because of my face. Its so silly, but I get so sensitive and feel like I just do not matter as a female, its kinda hard to get out how I actually feel, but its like that. So today I went and bought some raw vegan cakes at this cafe - that arent exactly the best Ive had - but were the closest to work. Very very rich and they made me actually have a racing heart and felt ill. Anyway, this lady from work came in today- who is a long time volounteer and asked me over to her place tomorrow for a bit of catch up - along with another older lady and of course the guy I am friends with whom I go on about all the time. Even though he doesnt work there anymore, he will still be friendly with the people who he has known from the shop for some time. But see I am working tomorrow, I am only required 4 hours , so I will have to go in early tomorrow to make up for it, so I can go to this thing, yet when I came home today I messaged the guy saying that I might not be able to make it and to let the ladies know just in case. But I probably will make it, just late. He said he would pass that on and would talk to me later. At the start of this week he said we should get together on the weekend so I dont really know what is going to happen tomorrow or tomorrow night idk. I dont even know what I am doing with myself. But I did have the little bit of energy to bake some cookies for tomorrow, one batch for work and another for going over this ladies place. I just feel so nervous a bit because this other old lady there - she knew all about how I liked this guy and would go on about it all the time and not realise it was in front of other people - I would get embarrassed. I feel like having her and him together that they may talk about me - idk. I think that is just a silly fear thing and I don't care. She will talk to him all about how unfair it is that he lost his job and stuff. I just feel like a small ant around him and other people for some reason. I think everything just comes back to me and my own past traumas and insecurities. I just wonder if he will visit me in the shop tomorrow, I doubt it - idk. But that would feel a bit weird. Anyway, I also feel like I am over doing it with the social stuff with him all the time, like I am smothering it - yet I don't think I am, its just its in my mind all the time. I don't want to care so much about how I am perceived by this person and its a little tricky to do that. I want to leave this person to their own thing, and yet also let this person want to include me or not in things and when he does- to be a good friend and act through my values. I think that even if he wasn't a guy and I wasn't attracted to him that I would still be this insecure. It still hurts though, being the friend- but also being confused and having these deep feelings and fears that your rejected because of something you did or what ever. That is how I feel- and how I don't want to take on. I just want to like I keep saying - not be so scared of rejection from other people- to think that I can actually control things like that - I can be me and be authentic and if someone doesn't like me or want to hang out with me I don't want to hang out with them I guess. I mean I don't want to have to need or want people in my life. I don't want to have to rely on them for my happiness. I can easily fall into that trap and I feel like my fears that i'm not good enough and all of that stuff follow me into relationships with people - why I haven't had friendships in a very long time except for a distant loyal old school friend that lives overseas. And its like when this guy starts acting differently online a bit - or doesn't communicate as much with me or what ever I am thinking that it is me and I just remember those things happening to me way back when I was 24 and the pull back that occurred that made me question myself being friendly all the time- that I couldn't be too friendly and then not friendly at all- that person would just not make me an importance and not want to know me despite me being loyal and trying my best to back away. So thats the thing- its a fear- you don't know if your being too in your face as a friend or not. And that the consequences to that is that they don't want to know you. I guess its like when there is an election on and politicians get all desperate to get your vote- they make you feel like flicking them away and that you can so easily trod on them - because they are loosing themselves in the process of trying to win people's affections. So I guess you just dont even try. You just be loyal to yourself first, and when your with other people and doing things for them -being a friend - that your doing that for you first too- that your not doing it to gain anything. So I guess that is where I went wrong when I was 24- I wanted to be accepted as an equal as a partner and I wasn't, despite literally living like one - so within that abusive relationship - it got worse because I was wanting something from him that I would do just about anything for - lose myself for and that is what happened and he encouraged too. So fast forward to now and this loose friendship with a guy and I realise that I have to not want anything more with him. So to be mindful all the time and to get out from that friendship in times when its too much for me - to have breaks I guess. But most importantly - to value myself over this relationship. To not fear being alone over a relationship that may not serve me. I dont know. I do feel so ugly and having ugly hair attack. Eh.

 

[grapevine]

So I end up feeling like absolutely nothing once again. Here I am thinking that okay this person is a friend then, he wants me in his life then - hang out. And even though I know full too well that this is an unhealthy relationship and basically unauthentic and one sided - hurtful ... Why do I still continue to entertain it?

So today, I was nervous I had been envited to this ladies house for a little supper - just a few people from work and he was there too. I told messaged him yesterday saying that I might not be able to make it as I was working today - only have to do 4 hours but I usually do more. Anyway he never mentioned that he was going to this thing anyway and that they were interested with me coming - but maybe the lady just decided to ask me yesterday when she saw me idk. But so I turn up a bit late and everyone is there - I stayed up a bit last night to bake some cookies for today. As I get invited in and have a tea, he comes in and sits down. This lady asks if he would like one of my cookies and he's blunt and doesn't really want one but takes one. I had made the last time I was over his place last minute bliss balls which are just coconut flour dates and cashews blended into balls - he took one bite and said they were awful and ended up throwing it out. I don't understand how they can be so horrible in taste - their sweet and chewy. Anyway today my choc cookies I had made - he took a little bite and said he didn't like it all and left it on the plate. I said to him bluntly that that is his problem. I mean he can be hurtful- so I will consciously project that message back to him, why not.
So anyway he basically didn't talk to me at all really today at this little get together - I was so silly once again to be able to rely on this person to be loyal and make me feel like I count and am valued - and it was just all washed away that perception today. Time to go and it's like as if I'm running just to get his attention. He just says bye really and drives away. He did not mention anything about how we were perhaps going to get together this weekend or even tonight - he had mentioned this weekend only three days ago. So to just ignore me like that and hurt my feelings - it's my time and anything to do with me from his perspective seems not to be valuable at all. And so guess what? I drive home crying my eyes out. I mean yes he has schizophrenia and yes he had said that he was getting his jab a few days ago - reckons he gets no side effects - but I know from research the side effects can be apathy and a whole list of negative emotions. But I mean why do I continue to get myself beaten up by a guy like that- a guy that doesn't like me- doesn't really even know me or want to. It's not like He would ever be interested in my world - to be in his world you have to basically like what he likes. I know I am just living out my past relationship of feeling unloved. I mean I left a message to him this morning - just some new trailer for some movie I knew he would like and no response at all. This guy doesn't think I'm attractive or anything - it's like I'm torturing myself. And it really hurt today sitting there with these old people and it being just me and him the only young. And one of the ladies mentions some very pretty woman I. Some story and it's like that goes to my heart of bdd. Because part of Bdd is not knowing where you are on your image spectrum in regards to others and yourself. I don't understand that when I feel I look pretty , I don't to others and so I don't trust myself how I look.
But for that guy to just basically be very unfriendly and ignore me like that - I mean all hi regular habits as of a few days ago have changed so it's a bit odd. He is always on fb and now he is hardly on there all of sudden unless he is on another page of himself idc. It's just that he had been documenting himself for quite sometime and then all of a sudden he stops. Puts up old photos and just stops.
Anyway Ehy is it that being around him and other people from work makes me feel so damn ugly and like nothing. Like I am nothing. Tonight for the first time in ages I am off fb I'm not going on there at all. I'm rejectng people and the world because I feel rejected myself on so many levels. I'm so upset and feel so hurt. I'm reading my girly self help book about living authentically and have my hot water bottle but I feel so like nothing that I am nothing. I feel so weak and belittled in value. I just want to hide away from people - I don't want to be around people who are not valuing my time. I just don't want to anymore.

 

[grapevine]

Had nightmares last night. And I hated yesterday. Though I did have a good time talking to a woman in her 40s who's a school teacher and has kids - had more in common with her than anyone at work.
Anyway, yesterday showed me that I didn't want to be there. I was being unauthentic to myself and being fake happy whilst dying and apprehensive inside.
I've decided to limit my exposure to these people because I feel like I'm not valued like I just don't belong. Feel overridden.
And then there is him - who I am learning again to hate. You just don't treat people like that - it hurts. It is him that makes me feel so bad about myself , make me feel so undesirable as a woman, so ugly and so unimportant. He would rather sit in his garage and cut and paste photos of himself with some blonde singer he doesn't know for Facebook than actually hang out with me.
He is toxic. By going over there I'm virtually accepting that I'm ugly and unattractive and unworthy of affection and that I mustn't really talk about my own interests etc.
I'm kidding myself thinking he likes me - he doesn't and if really hurts.
It just feels like to everyone at work that I'm just this unattractive person that people just don't value. I just don't want to be around these people anymore - esp him.

 

[grapevine]

Thankyou ........ for making me think and feel through your apathetic actions like I am very un-attractive and un-worthy of affection. That I am not desirable and below the belt. Thankyou for making me feel confused too, through your actions, making me feel like I am cared about and then making me feel like I am absolutely nothing at all.
Thankyou for letting me know online that Im not those women, even though most of them I think are ugly anyway. Thankyou for letting me realise that you are superficial and a bit sexist - that all you want is a photoshop of a woman - not realising anything else that can appear in a spectrum.
You make me feel so bad about myself. That I have to carry around this burden of being unnattractive and not worth while to anyone. I hate that I let that into my system.

I also hate how everyone in this little group of people I work with - who are actually lower class anyway - that I know I have more knowledge than any of them - even those in their 70s..

Im just so sick of this judgement on face value thing. Even when I think I am looking nice and everything- there is always people within this group to re-charge those ill feelings towards myself.

I just want to give up on people, like I said the other week. My identity is important to me and Ive not had any good feedback for most of my adult life. I get very sensitive and crave wanting it from people so desperately that I end up hanging out with the wrong people.

It just really hurts - being around people - a person that can make you feel so much less than, that really hurt you inside, question any good identity about yourself. Make you not want to be seen, make you want to desprately change your appearance to be accepted/loved, yet knowing that not even the best version of you would never be good enough.

Its like a magnet to me and I hate it. Thankyou for carving a hole in my being. I mean dont you even realise what your doing , dont you realise that actions speak.
just leave my life- because I dont need you anymore- I know you dont need me.

Thats the thing- I shouldnt need anyone to tell me Im okay and all that. Just hard.

 

[grapevine]

Well Im at it again - writing out on here. This is just like my secret weapon to me. I dont know why, but it brings me some comfort in doing so. Its like, rather than have it all inside me - I need to just extract everything and see where I am in my mind and uncover new avenues etc.

So I was upset and disappointed and felt really hurt by that guy yesterday. (And I think from now on I will call him Rugs (??) all I could think of). So Rugs was just so damn rude, I could see he was not well yesterday - in his mind and apathetic and god knows what else - but I dont like feeling like Im a stranger to someone that Ive been sleeping at his place many times. There is just a big smack in the face nearly every time I see this guy.
And yet I am the one to blame because I flock to him like a bug in a light. Everytime I see him I kick myself, I think what the hell am I doing with this guy? Intuitively this guy doesnt like me, value me, value my time, think Im anything special.. so why am I hanging out with him?
And when I do hangout with him, there are always reminders of those things. Though I mindfully, consciously try to not have any expectations and acknowledge that my feelings are granted but not something healthy. But even a friendship, there are always some expectations of curtious, just things that let you know that its unconditional.

So when yesterday came around he was so distant and not very nice and completely shrugging me off. Forgetting or not caring that he had said that we would speak later and maybe hangout on the weekend. I mean it was friday yesterday and he acted like he just didnt even want to know me or what ever and he wasnt valuing my company. And there are voices in my head that tell me that I am being very smothering and let that person breathe why dont you.. etc.. BUT.. by listening to that I am telling myself that Im not important, my needs are not important and Im also not hearing the main thing and that is that this person is not worth my time, my feelings, my thoughts. Yet its so hard to give up.
What happens is that I will feel so alone, like I have always felt. Yet when I have been with other people before , like my old school friend- I can feel a bit jealous or that I dont kind of fit or that its a bit fake or an upstage idk- I feel like its alot of energy and because of this bdd there is alot of relationships I just will not persue. So when Im at home and feeling a bit lonely and all of a sudden a messaged from Rug comes up asking me to come over and hang out if I want to - I get all perked up and get into a laughable mood and love to have fun as he has the same crude humor. And the fact that he has thought about me and accepted me also gives me a jolt. But I know inside like I said that he doesnt care. That I feel like I am just waiting for signs that tell me Im rejected and stuff. And I know Im only there because he is lonely and nothing more. Not because he likes me- in any way.
Its a biased toxic relationship that I still want to hold onto but also keep away from. Its just so hard to give up on people- give up on your own expectations of that person- even knowing that none of it would ever happen.
I think the worst thing for me is that feeling of being attactive that this relationship gives me- and actually its not even a friendship. I dont even know what it is. But I think its interesting that alot of the things in it are also the fears I have about myself.
I fear Im ugly, not worthy etc.. and its being played out in actual fashion by hanging around with this guy. I think that one day he might see me for something better and actually value me- I mean see me for what I could bring to his life, and actually be attracted to me, but the sad thing is that never will happen. Probably not a sad thing at all. But it does hurt because it eats into your self identity.
And thats the thing. Who am I to people? Because I have no clue and I worry about it and try to control it all the time, because I think that what people think of me is who I am. But in reality really, from what Ive recently been reading about is that its my reality in how I feel about myself in the people that I choose to be with. Idk.

Anyway this Rug guy just completely runs my mind often. Because Im intrigued by him, I sought him out after some affection from him a year ago now. I thought that I was better than him and thought I was all that- and started caring for myself on the basis that he would be delighted in seeing me looking so slim and pretty and then being more friendly with him lol- I thought that I could make his day and we would be in this romance together. I truely thought and felt that he was surprised by me, that I was someone very different that hadnt worked there before and that also we were kind of the same too. So it all kind of went south all those thoughts and feelings and dreams.

Its hard when you have feelings for someone that is not worth having. I just am wondering what the best thing I can do for myself - I dont want to leave this relationship- not yet anyway- or what ever it is. But I want to distance myself from it. To be able to say, yes Im accepted and that is that- and just leave him be for quite a while. Distance myself. Show him that I am not afraid of my boundaries too, that I can say I mirror him too. See, part of my fear is that he will just reject me. And I dont want to fear that. I want to just get all this energy away from all this and put it into my own self worth projects instead. To just go with the flow, tell him no for a while and see where it takes me. To be mindful and let go of that horrid feeling that he brings to me that tells me Im not even a woman, Im not attractive, Im not this and that. Not that he has ever said anything like that - just he has his value meter on women with certain faces he likes and apparently Im not one of them. And I just hate how he can voice that, how pretty this girl is during a film , or all the crap he puts on his fb page every now and then. And I hate how being around people at work and they mention women with pretty faces in front of me too- as though I am below and dont matter. I guess I used to think I had that, and being back in society now - tells me I dont. Even when I sometimes still think I do.
So it really makes me want to hide and think I must look so bad to others.

Anyway.

 

[grapevine]

Here I go again writing my heart out lol. Well Ive indulged tis weekend. I decided to fall into depression for these days and Ive basically been bed bound really... by choice of course since Friday, and its now Sunday night.. and guess where I am?? ..Yes Im in bed ; P

Ive had serious bdd again, but this time absolutely not wanting to get up really, not wanting to show my face around my parents and even my pets. And having the thoughts about Rugs and people from work and how they must see me, well it all just spiralled out of control. I think in my mind that do not appreciate and see me in a light that I crave I guess, and so I want to stay away from them.

This weekend was about letting me feel these feelings. Because all of the last 2 weeks I had been over-riding my own value of myself by jumping at the first sign of going over to rugs place. Yesterday I notice he put some pretty sexist stuff on his page and that screamed to me- get away from him. It screamed to me that I cannot hold a place for someone that can be disrespectful to me. I like to be respected as a woman and treated like one when Im around men and yet despite his caring when Im over- I feel like I am not even a woman at all.

So I took this weekend to delve into giving up. I hadnt wanted to be seen or heard from. I wanted my space and my warm bed and just to hide away. I have such deep identity issues that run long. When I am talking to people and they acknowledge me but not really, like I want to be acknowledged in way that corrolates with my values of myself. Anyway, I end up feeling un-important and confused and ugly.

I feel like there is nothing I can do to not be ugly to others. Asthetically. It makes me want to not be seen at all. Im going to be treated like Im nothing special, like I am not a woman by rugs, I am going to be treated by most people in the same way.

That is why I have chosen to steer away from people for awhile again. But I have plans to join a club soon that has similar interest people in it. But first, I am just way too sensitive and insecure about myself and how I am to others that I need to work on myself inside first.

 

[grapevine]

So feeling much better today. Had to go to the bank this morning for a new car insurance plan, so it forced me to go out- and I did my shopping and bought my chocolate too. That always perks me up my raw chocolate.
When I got home I wrote something inspirational and truthfully honest for the second time on facebook. And when I went back to look, I was a little overwhelmed by rugs and others commenting on being inspirational and stuff. So it lit me up, but also made me recognise how I feel quite uncomfortable in being praised and stuff.
But after reading this book- Mastering your mean girl- that I jsut happened to impulse purchase the other day - not even really knowing what it was- it has been my saviour so far. Im learning alot of new insights. One of them being about not being afraid to be yourself, be authentic and be honest with people. And so Ive been practicing that the last few days on facebook and feel much more fluid and liking myself because of it. I guess its like instead of people guessing who you are and you coming from your ego trying to make people like you and gain attention from being someone they might appeal to... Im going the other way, Im actually being quite brave and letting people know who I truely am and what I am proud of and even some of my insecurities. Im being vunerable, but at the same time recognising that I can choose who is in my life or not. In a second I can rid myself of toxic people if I want to. I have my own power and who I hang around with. And so Im not going to be lingering anymore for other people's company as I want to start enjoying my own again and feeling good about myself and what I like and if people come my way, well I can decide whether to let them through some of my boundaries or not.

But at the moment I just want dont want to be pulled by anyone, because I get pulled so easily when people invite me into their worlds- I become someone that overrides my own values- for instance if I decided to go on a juice feast for a week and stocked my fridge with huge amounts of greens and fruits and stuff- and if rugs was to contact me and ask me over I would usually just drop all of that to go to his place in a cigarette smoke filled room and end up feeling sacrificing what I was doing for myself.

So Im not going to be a people pleaser, I am going to value my own things. Respect myself and let others see that, show my boundaries, whats important to me and show them how to respect me too as I will respect them. I think I like having people in my life at the moment, as I can practice this.
I know that there is a thing in my hometown where people do yoga and there are vegans and they do all sorts of things- they are like me in my interests and a place where I can see myself going in the near future. But for now, like I have said, I want to be able to relax and feel like I can be happy with myself-- in my own company- to be able to relax in that and not feel lonely and sad - to find myself again - because I did loose it trying to be someone for someone else, trying to get attention, affection - I closed off all my own values basically.

But now, I am deciding that I am important. That if anyone wants to hang out with me, its on my own terms for once and with open communication. That like I said, I can practice voicing my boundaries without the fear of rejection.And also I can drop that codependence thing I seem to carry, I can detatch myself from people- from rags. I can see him as having a sphere of mental clouness around him- someone who is ill and so with that I can detatch how he sees me- how his view of me shapes my own reality of myself- Im not going to take that on anymore- Im not going to view myself through his eyes as a severe mentally ill person he is with schizophrenia. I mean it is kind of crazy to feel bad about yourself because a person with schizophrenia has acted certain ways around you.. because it aint really about you.

So Im trying hard to just feel comfortable as I am right now, that I dont have to be anything for anyone. The last 3 days I indulged in depression and unwinded everything that I was dealing with because I felt so devalued and upset and all that. But I knew that was what I had to do. I had to stay in bed for 2 days, I had to sleep and journal and cry and all that- Im not one anymore to hold things in- i let them out through my emotions in any way I can. Especially since I took on a mainly raw food diet- Im not in regression anymore- Im not stuffing my feelings- Im allowing myself to feel them and let them flow out of me. Which is why when I read back this journal it seems as though I have bipolar or something, but the mind can be a real battlefield - especially trying to flow out the thoughts and feelings.

So I feel like Im at the beginnings of trying to gain my self value. I know there will be dips when I look in the mirror, when I go to work, when I am around people, when I feel devalued, when Im not getting that yearned positive mirroring I crave from people. When Im just getting blandness from others I let that shape my identity, that is why Im so vunerable to feeling bad about myself. So Im trying to shut that off for a while. Im not going to be fake to anyone anymore, if I dont feel good about myself, Im not going to be anxious around them- Im not going to hold that in my body anymore and be overly happy when Im not, Im going to be how I feel and just let that flow through me. I can be authentically friendly with my boundaries. I dont want to be friendly when Im not friendly with myself- so I will close myself off for a while from people. Naturally.

 

[grapevine]

So since Friday, since that horrid day. Ive been in my bed hardly getting out for 5 days now. Yes, that is how much depression can impact your life. But I like to indulge in it- I dont see anything wrong with that- I use my own self care - compassion- knowing that this is what I desire - to just take a break from the harsh world, to hybernate and get some good rest- to indulge in just lying in bed with my laptop and not caring much about society. Fully knowing that there is no way I am anything good if I try to bypass and regress all these feelings in me and head out into peoples way again.

No, I need to slow down and tap into myself. To fly away from the identity I feel Ive become to people and not let it get to me. Im not what others think I am- its very hard to not let how others see you- become who you think you are.

I just want a big break. Like when I was a young girl- I remember having headlice and styaing home from school for a week. I remember having a nice time with just me and mum- being spring time and I remember loving my very long hair and deciding for some reason I thnk because of the chemicals in the headlice shampoo- we sat outside and she washed my hair in this big old metal tub with boiled water in it. I remember sitting in the warm spring sun in the garden and also watching kids daytime tv. I remember feeling so relaxed and feminine and that I just didnt need to do anything, be anything to anyone, It was like I had gone to a spa for a week.

That is how I feel like I would like to feel again. I want to have this long break from people because their realities in how I feel they see me- is in a negative -unappreciative light that isnt suiting with my own values of myself, isnt matching with my own identity or identity that I would like to have. Idk. All I know is that after so many days of indulging in this depression, I just want to start to use stillness and meditation and self care daily - I want to exercise too.

I jsut want to do these things and stay away for awhile from others. And explore my identity issues with my therapist and online help. I want to try to avoid the mirror too- Im not liking what I see and it stops me wanting to get up in the morning. I just want to defuse all these roles I feel I want when it comes to men and in particular one toxic man.

I just want to override all of that for some time and just concentrate on my health by using self care and getting out into nature- exercising, taking photos, juicing, doing things that I will enjoy that benefit me, my love for myself even when Im not liking how I look and the outside world.

 

[grapevine]

Journaling on here has really been my saviour. I started around November last year I think it was when it was my birthday and I was feeling particuarly sorry for myself.
Since then, Ive really gotten comfortable with automatic tying out whats on my mind, digging around for how I feel and think- things that I may not of even realised were swirling around in my mind, at the back of my mind and taking me into nofunland.

So, today was a day that I decided to actually get out the bed. Im not saying I dont get out the bed.. since last friday (and its wednsday) I have pretty much been bed ridden- but within that time a few times I had been out grocery shopping and things.
I was just so upset and confused and not liking myself. I really, really hated feeling so unappreciated and undervalued and almost invisable. That on that Friday, as I was walking as fast as I could to keep up with 'Rugs' walking to his car.. he had not been friendly and only opened his mouth to tell me he didnt like my cooking and the cookies I had made for everyone. This was someone that I had been sleeping over his place majority of the last few weeks and yet he was stone cold, and very rude to me. And like I said I walked fast to try and get beside him so that we could determine if infact like he had mentioned only a so many days ago that we would hangout again on the weekend. I wanted to know if that was going to happen or not, if he was doing something else or not and I was actually going to say no anyway. But he just said 'bye' and got into his car and drove away. I had apprehension that day of whether my friday night I might consider going to his place or not. Yet he was just so rude and made me feel so un-important. It made me angry too. And I had to go through this whole feelings of low self worth again, and sit in bed for most of the week.

Now I realise that he is not worth it. Im getting my power back. There is nothing I can do to change that person to be nice to me. He probably doesnt even know he is doing it because of his condition, in fact, Im quite sure of it. Its hard to be friends with someone like that. So Im a friend, but on my terms. Its was quite good to read back a few journals ago, that I had realised that being around him was devaluing myself as a female. Sounds funny, but by going over to his place, by hanging around him- I am entering an environment that gives me messages that are very superficial towards a woman's value and self worth based on their looks and that Im not valued. That is what I have to deal with, and whether or not he has/gets sexual feelings or not ,regardless. Its how I feel.

So I was so happy to of realised that. That I want respect as a woman, and to be on my own terms. If not ,well I just wont see him at all, he can be online and that will be all until I decide hes just not worth noticing. I would never delete a friend, I would just be mindful and change things up on my security there. But I dont want it to come to that, I want it to just be there and acknowledge that he has a severe illness and that what pops up for me (and Im learning quick now) serves as golden nuggets of self knowledge and steers me into other directions, makes me learn so much and also it gets me determined after the dips.

So getting back to today.. Yesterday I was going to, had planned on but didnt do. But decided to do today instead. And that was my juicing. I know that when I do a big cold-pressed green juice with beetroot that the effects role into the next morning. And i'm working tomorrow.

So Ive been a big fan of raw veganism since 2007. And would follow Angelia Stokes. And just to re-set my motivation to get on the morning juice wagon again I was watching her youtube stuff and she made a 1L and a half jar load of green juice.. so I did that today and half is remaining in the fridge atm.

So I get a sticker for doing that. I know that it really works. It helps me get out of bed, it helps me with my nutrients, energy etc.
But I tell you, getting out of bed in moments and seeing my reflection is not a pretty experience.

The look on my face, with a big value of mine being about health and I still have this bothersome tired look as though my face has sagged a bit. Literally from weightloss it has somewhat. But just how tired I looked and pale and like I have been in bed for some time and stressed... which I have. I also have a very old dog that gets me up 6 or more times in the middle of the night to go outside, and its like having a newborn- I hardly ever get any sleep. And it shows.

SO, Im like.. NO. First step is juicing again. Easy to do as it has been a habit on and off for a while. But to continually do it is even better.

But Im at the point today where I discovered that perhaps eating all those rich raw cakes and chocolates all the time lately has maybe accumulated to my thighs, which I dont really care about, but it has made me realise my fitness level has gone down a bit and my muscle mass too.

SO, Im getting really determined to get really into fitness. As there was quite a few times in my life where I was extremely fit and it gave me such a good feeling in myself physically and mentally.

I think by juicing, heavy exercise and doing weights and yoga.. being one with myself and my body, and also going out in the sun everyday and fresh air and getting better sleep- maybe putting my dog in the laundry for once idk.

Also next wednsday I might be getting my fillers done and Ive been nervous about that. Its like I know kinda what I want and I just want it over with really. Its something that has annoyed me so why not.

So I am aiming for doing these things for the next 3 months. Taking it day by day- just like I did with my weightloss. My goal is to be my best self come spring.. to be much more healthy, in a much more healthy place in myself, to kind of keep pushing myself out of these unhealthy mindsets and feelings of myself- to practice this self care, to not let others around me - define me, to define myself - to work hard to try and get out of this slump Ive been in since basically the start of this year, and it being the 6 month mark.

I want to feel that feeling I had quite a few times in my life when I was very fit- it feels really awesome to be like that. Especially the feeling it gives you when you go to bed- the feeling of exhaustion and really good sleep. That melatonin relaxing feeling.

And juicing- so many benefits.

The trick is with me, to get up in the morning and have to not make a big deal about how I look and how un-important I feel to others and think its because of how I look. Because I don't like what I see. But I think, from videos I seen on bdd- that sometimes its just better to override the now/present in how you feel about your appearance and just ignore it- but believe in the future, that you can be in a better place with your body image taking time out from it and just concentrating on self care instead.

So Im going to try that. I really want to work hard- There are quiet a few people that mention working out hard can really help with depression. And that is what I want to do so badly. I would love to, in 3 months time have that fit feeling and have my muscle tone back and better- feel so much better and stronger and stuff.. have definition in my body haha. For myself.

Also I think like Ive been going on about, I need to stay away from Rugs for quite awhile. It can be a hard thing to do- esp when I perk up when he asks me, but I need to know whats best for me. And going over there is going to sacrifice my health because I will be sleeping in cigarette smoke, its going to hurt me because I cant help feel intentions and expectations and get kicked down on that, it makes me confused and it will make me feel ugly and not worthy as a woman.
I will have to take a breath and remind myself those things if I get asked again.
And also, it will be all on his terms- I will feel out of my own world in being there.

So yeah. 3 months. Gonna be hard. And I promised myself that I would get my dream (pin) board up by today. And I haven't done that yet. So I will do that soon.

Also my boss at work wants some recipes because she had a recent hospital scare. I feel like its my calling and have for a long time to help others nutritionally. Ive always been interested in health science regarding nutrition. Even to the point of just buying old text book to read out of interest. But to study it would be a huge challenge for me- with my anxiety and depression and the most severe part of it being having to go to certain classes as most courses are not all online. With bdd, its a challenge- to travel 2 hours into the city, around people when your dealing with bdd and social phobia on regular basis.

Anyway. Im not thinking about that just yet.

 

[grapevine]

So something just happened and Im embarrased of myself to even write it on here, but I will as Im sure it will be an ongoing drama now.
I let my wants get to me. I am just really confused with what just happened and not understanding it at all. So Rugs messages me and asks me to a get together with his sister on friday night. I said 'thanks for thinking of me and I will let him know if I am up to it.' Meaning really that I would not go there. But I liked that I was thought of. But from that Friday Im like this person really wouldnt know would he- how hard it is to be a friend to- well a friend with another mental illness.
So we had that usual humour thing between us and I like that. But then I asked him how his life was going (genuinely using my boundaries). And he said he wasnt into guitar anymore and was geting older and just wanted to settle down and have a g/f and stuff. So me, being me - always liking to motivate people- said that anything is possible and stuff like that. Then he asks me about whether I have thought about those things- I just let my guard down and told him how I was very hurt many years ago and that I make myself happy now-but that I did want those things yes. But then, the next thing he is asking me to be his girlfriend- to go on a date with him.. can you imagine the nerves on me. And the confusion. He said that he really liked me, that I have grown on him and different to other girls. Then I said that he wasnt physically attracted to me. He said he was- that I had a hot little body. And that the last time I was over- on the couch he had urges but couldn't dare act on them.
So I am confused and anxious over this. I know what my intuition says. I said to him that Im not interested in anything of convenience. I told him I have bdd too. He said he would take it very slow, that he doesnt like his body etc.
But its really hard for me now to accept what just happened. I really wanted him to tell me I was pretty and beautiful and stuff- I have bdd mainly about my face and it just feels like Im not. But I have to let that go I guess.
Thing is when your not feeling good about yourself physically -its hard to play that role in a relationship. We are going on an official date tomorrow night and I really dont feel comfortable right now in that. Its going to be very awkward.
Its weird, I wanted this and now I don't. I wanted to rock up months later and show how cool I got on with life. He doesnt even know much about me, he thinks he does, but he doesnt. I just do not know how to deal with this. He has been a friend, a toxic friend and then turns around and says this. I guess perhaps I can just try it- see how it goes- let go of fear and in any time that I feel this is completely wrong- I will go home. I jsut dont know what I am doing, being reckless with myself over something I thought I wanted.

 

[F0AM]

Give it a try if you're not sure, that will help you to make up your mind. But if you're sure you don't wan't this, stop it and don't feel forced to date him.

What do you think of him (right now)?

 

[grapevine]

wow thanks for commenting, it helps : )

I think of him as someone who I can easily connect with and feel safe with, secure. Someone who genuinely can make me laugh.But I know that he is not exactly a whole because of his illness and that I just cannot expect anything from him. I think and feel that this relationship has perhaps come into my life to help me learn more about what I want in the future and how to love someone and be loved unconditionally, he is a very loyal person. But having said that, I really dont know what Ive got myself into, and I feel like Ive just sort out someone not really worthy of me because all I wanted was to feel accepted and secure from him because I didnt get that when I was in my last relationship. But the odd thing is that once I have started to actually realise I dont need that and dont care for it anymore, that I have it in myself!!!!.. the things that I wanted in the past keep presenting themselves to me for the future.

Well I woke up this morning with more messages on fb for me. About seeing me after work. I then, when I got to work, as I was coming out of my car, he drove past and said hello. Then later, he turned up at my work (where he used to work) and casually hung around - it was a dead winter day with hardly any customers. It was nice that for actually once he was following me, but also kinda weird to me- the feeling of being wanted but thinking there must be something else as Im not all that etc.

Then when I got home, his Facebook profile had changed from this photo with a cut and paste blonde woman- to a picture of him with his arms spread out at the beach looking quite happy. And then his relationship status said he was in a relationship with me...

everything happening so fast. Then, tonight, I came over and we watched the latest SouthPark on a dvd I brought over. Sitting together on the couch sharing a blanket again. And then he said that he would lay behind me, and so we did that. But he is so fat that I got pushed off the couch lol. On a freezing night. But he was feeling me up- and I was kind of like what are you doing? at the same time as liking it because for a long time I had felt that he didnt find me physcially attractive and a sexual woman.. and yet I was okay with that because it wasnt going anywhere without my consent truely. And he was quite romantic holding my hands and hugging and stuff.
SO, I just still feel confused though. Because of alot of things I will write about later. I hadnt slept all night last night because of what happened. And tonight, I slept in his bed- nothing happened because I wouldnt let it. But he was being honest and trustworthy, just feeling me up.
And we went to bed early and talked and then I couldnt sleep and as I have work tomorrow, I woke him up and decided to go home- where I was so tired I actually started to vear off the road. Im glad to be in my own bed and away from that environment for a while. Everything has happened very quickly and I want to get my head clear in this.
It was awkward to kiss him, especially in the dark.

I will talk about my feelings about all of this tomorrow some time. Im just confused in what I want and what exactly I am doing and still trying to figure out if he truely likes me - he has said he genuinely does- but Im wondering if its just that I have given him that idea by staying over there the last 3 weeks every now and then and that he suddenly decided that he wants a girlfriend and I just happened to be there and he likes me as a friend and that he just likes my body.
I just feel there is not much deep he can go in actually really knowing much about me idk.
I didnt expect him to suddenly the next day claim me as he girlfriend- I was expecting him to take it slowly and see how it goes.

But we are I guess. But I know my intuition

 

[grapevine]

Im quite exhausted atm. Physically and mentally. I couldnt wait to get home today out from the cold and into bed with my hot water bottle. I desperately need to journal my heart out and see where Im at atm. but Im so truely tired.. its been a very big week for me.
I need to see whats going on and readjust my life from this point on. Re-set my goals and whats best for me in this situation and also my own life regardless of this situation.