Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

I just that my identity , my value is and has always been on health and here I am juicing every morning and afternoon and wating my big salads and intuitionally making sure I eat enough and variety of stuff in fruits and vegies and beans etc and feeling good inside nutritionally and yet outside I look pale (I guess I haven't been out in the sun much since depression) and gaunt -it's like I woke up one morning and the fat in my cheeks literally went south as if all the connections in the skin on my face just let go and it's like a deflated balloon that I feel so ashamed about and constantly self conscious . It's not fair.
I am really contemplating getting fillers in my cheeks and my nasal lines - never had anything like that before and I don't know how that would turn out - I mean I just want to look like me but with restored volume back in my face and not like an 80 year old. I've heard people who get it in their cheeks can look a bit chipmunk my and I don't really want that , I just want to be able to have a subtle difference where I look well again. I mean i am 55kg without intending to be - and four months of depression and laying in bed Mist of the time I don't know it's just made my face sag and nothing I can do in a short time can fix it except for fillers but it's scary to trust someone with that.
I think if I had it done and it went well I would be so depressed because I wouldn't be so distract seeing my face hanging in the morning as it's worse then. I just want this saggy face trauma to leave me because it's a big difference to what my face has looked like.

 

[grapevine]

Getting ready for work this morning and I just hate seeing my face like this. I am over my hair.
But my loss of volume in my face - my skin is just hanging down on it -
And for my therapist the first thing she said to me after she hadn't seen me in months was that u was looking drawn in the face- it's so embarrassing - I am determined in a month if I am still so depressed about this to go get fillers because it feels so deflated and nothing I can do can fix it except maybe facial exercises in the long run or putting lots of weight on.
I look horrible.

 

[grapevine]

when I saw my therapist last week I just let it all out on her - I just said what was my troubles without any filters at all and it was different to normal and I'm embarrassed to see her again now. It was so overwhelming and anxiety driven what I was talking about high in bdd land and she must have thought I was so superficial. But when she said I looked drawn in the face and if I had lost more weight - just as I sat down at the start of our session - that really really stung so bad as that is exactly the issue I have been bdd on and there it is that it's real and present in others eyes - noticeable like I see it.
Anyway, it's that and now my body and then my teeth - it's never ending - I feel like even if I got close to s guy - I wouldn't be able to be lovable because I'm not to myself anymore.

 

[grapevine]

I don't look well from all the crying and lying in bed I do all the time.

It's 2:30 in the afternoon and I thought my parents were going out for lunch or something but there's still here and I haven't wanted to step out of my room because I feel so self conscious and irritated and anxious around them for some reason. I'm kind of hungry I haven't had anything all day hence my blood sugar is low not good for depression.

I just look at myself now and feel I destroyed the essence of who I am and I feel inside I find it very hard to love myself now like I'm just not good enough and my feminity is starved away inside because of my history with men and my dad and stuff.
I feel like I am not feminine enough.

I hate looking in this mirror and seeing a pale sagged face - it makes me so self conscious because I want to look well not haggard and sick. And I went and got into some thing last night of wanting to dye rmy hair with some straight bleach again- I've lost myself - I've lost any self worth and identity I had.

I'm going to work tomorrow and I feel so self conscious and also tomorrow night I might be going to tea with the from work and then to his place maybe to see a film again. He completely changed his fb page btw I went on there and hadn't in awhile - he stopped following me and took off all these women stuff - all the women he was following too. And now is just all about his hobbies and some of his friends on there. Which felt like to me a sigh of relief that maybe he is out of that delusional stage. But I did feel upset that he unfollowed me because I am a person he knows unlike all those other women and yet he doesn't want to be my friend idk. Then I even think what if he somehow read stuff on here - highly unlikely because he said he was going to do what he did anyway. All I know is that I hate myself - or find it hard to like myself right now, that I am lost and cannot find any attractive parts of me at all and I can't take rejection like his or the other way too for that matter.

But I don't really care about that. I care about trying to get myself to feeling okay again because it's so bad now that I struggle to go out and do basic things everyday now.

I am struggling how to fix this it's so bad - I feel below everyone - I mean I haven't had any social life since I was a teenager and I'm 33 that is discluding the abusive guy that raped and emotionally abused me when I was 24 and moved interstate to be with him.

And now I am dealing with bdd again and feeling so pressured to want to be liked because inside now I hate myself that I have tried over 6 months to continually change myself for some guy that will and should not ever happen.

And there is no way in this state that I can even contemplate being around a guy if a guys idling me.

So I don't know how to be tomorrow - how to cope and feel better.

God I want to just be happy and have a level of self esteem again. I'm thinking of changing my days or having weeks off with a medical certificate but I don't know.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.

I have despite all I have been through in my life I have always had a sense of picking myself up and getting motivated and pushing myself as well as allowing myself to feel bad so that I can renew.

My self - who I am is not the same anymore and my identity gone and it bugs me that my belief that eating healthy and juicing would help my skin be the best it could be and now I am faced with saggy face and it's not fair.

But it's not just that - it's that I am sick of myself.

I envision some nice things - like I would like to exercise again - someone on YouTube said that heavy exercise was good for relieving bdd. So provide do get my calories in that is something I want to do again.
But I'm giving it within in this month that if I continue to feel that bad about my face that I might get some fillers - which is s very scary thing to do when you have bdd.

But if it would mean that I don't have to see myself looking so haggard all the time and compensating constantly be squinting and smiling all the time because I'm so self conscious or hiding my face with my sleeve.

Maybe it might work.

 

[grapevine]

Everything feels like so much pressure. I'm so preoccupied with wanting to look acceptable and desirable in order to be accepted and can't help assessing myself even in the middle of the night it's like I have to turn that light in to remember what I look like and then get stuck trying to make myself look right for an hour putting my hair up and down - even though I'm just going to bed. I will even take screen photos of various old school mates - people I think are beautiful inside more than out and compare myself to them - seeing them look happy and be accepted and have self esteem and more kind of takes the pressure off that belief that I have to be perfect to be truely accepted.

And tomorrow I'm going to work and I know he will be there and it just makes me feel apprehensive and pressured to look good in order to be accepted but it also hurts because I'm not a hottie to him - I never thought I was - I had a sense of my own best and knew not to dig in to snything about looks but I did and now it's bdd back again.
Anyway I just feel all the things I don't like about my appearance and all the social insecurities I have - they all feel like they are judged harshly by him and that determines if I am accepted or not.
In my head that is.

I just feel so ugly and also plain and also that my face is just so weird and oogly especially when I talk or show my teeth - because I have a very small jaw and mouth.

I just always wanted the guy at work for some reason to of noticed me in a desirable way and fall that - and si for that to ever happen I would have to be not me because I'm not good enough for him. It's this bdd and my own social identity - being unsocial all my adult years except for an emotionally abusive guy I was with for six months - how am I ever going to get to a stage where I'm not in this dreaded bdd and not attracted to wrong men and actually loose my insecurities and find the right people who will love me and accept me for me and actually give my positive feed back and an open ear - it's hard to picture

 

[grapevine]

Felt rejected because I wasnt asked out to dinner like what was said last week. But it made me want to really prioritise things. Because here I am, in bdd land again at night, tomorrow going back to work and here I am looking in the mirror trying to get my hair right, my hair colour too - at least I am using just a stay in rinse that shampoos out rather than a dye.

I decided that - well I made a list and a private journal entry about the things that were so ill in my life that I want to over come and I wanted to give myself 3 weeks to push a routiene into my life - which involves doing alot of things to get me out of this mess and if I keep doing them, for them to easily become a habit and further create benefits in my life.

I just hate that I realise that I thought that this guy actually liked me- that when I started work and throughout my time for quite a while he would follow me a bit and be really nice and talkative but I realise that he does that with everyone. Though, there have been things- its not like that I guess. And I dont want someone in my life that doesnt want to be in my life, where I am holding on to see if I am worthy all the time. That seriously hurts you know.
And Ive been there before. That is why it has hurt so much.

And I dont get why someone like him cant even see that- cant he see that it hurts to invite me over and sometimes so******e with me - and then go all cold and not want to know me all the time again and again. It leaves you with thinking that there is seriously something wrong with me- and I think because he is a male - that it must be because of the way I look or that I am boring to look at or I am boring full stop or that Im nothing special etc etc . Or that Im not friendly enough ..

It hurts and it just makes me want to now not give a damn and I know I talk about it that is the best thing for my self esteem. But its one thing is saying it and another in doing it. It takes discipline and mindfulness and having to search deep for some other acceptance- my own rather than another persons. It means I have to reject that hope of having a friend or that hope of something more. Even though those two hopes have for ever hurt the hell out of me. But he does have schiz.

I just hate that tomorrow - and at work again and he is there and again I will be mixed in emotions. And the worst is the end of the day and feeling so much rejected and lonely and going home to this illness and being alone with no where else to go. And also not wanting to go anywhere because of the bdd. The worst os feeling so rejected. That is what I hate.

And the worst is also thinking that it is because of how I look- that has increased my bdd to explosive levels. Im so tired of it. I just want it to end.

I mean, just to go to the bathroom last night, I had to wash my hands - and to just turn on that bright light and walk towards that mirror- and either completely ignore my reflection or look up and judge and - I remember I felt my heart - actually I could hear it beating really loudly and fast. To think what my whole body goes through daily - mechanically and chemically from all this mess.

I just want to throw in the towel- because the catalyst for this has been the guy at work. I just wish my new boss was as flexible as the last ones. Because I would like to change my days for a month or 2 - just so that I can get away from him at work for a while. Because like I said - its just been hard. But the thing is I like my days I work because of the other people I work with and that is why I would like to change it back - but I dont know if I can/could. It involves insurance or something. But last year a few employees did that.

Anyway, I guess I will just have to play not seen or heard with him- if I cant see him or hear him- then I dont have to be around him- but it wont work. I dont know. I will have to talk to my boss who never listens to anyone.

Its jut really hard. I just envision that a month or 2 away from this guy can put things into perspective more. That it can give me a break from longing and disappointment and rejection constantly. And most importantly - give me a break from feeling the pressure to have to be perfect or something in order to impress so that I will be accepted again- that I will be wanted to be around and all that- and to have that pressure loaded away - because I wont be seeing him could mean that my bdd could slow right down again maybe.

And also like I said my perspective - after a month or 2 away from those days- and in that period working on renewing my own self worth and boundaries - I could really perhaps see him for all his non- glory - I could see that there is less in him than ever- and realise that my needs would never be filled by someone like him and I am talking as a friend let alone my fantasies.

So its something I am thinking about. And what I wrote in my personal journal - well I want to start juicing more than ever- and im growing wheatgrass. I want to start eating alot more - fruits and vegies and variety- and really push myself to get up in the morning - to really try to accept myself and work on myself in healthy ways- to try to bypass the thing at the moment of trying to make my hair perfect or trying to see my face differently in the mirror- and getting caught in anxiety and a long time fixating.

To really get out into the sunshine and go for long walks- sip my huge juices and smoothies and eat fresh fruit- and also to do heavy exercise - to start weights and workout - because 4 months of laying in bed basically most of the time and crying and not seeing the sun much because I am in a dark room ( although I take high doses of Vitamin D) has left all my muscles sagged and my skin sagged too. I dont feel strong and tough anymore and I dont want to feel weak any more.

So getting into exercise- strenguous exercise- but I worry that I could end up a skeleton with the way I eat- so I have to eat lots more calories to make up for it I guess. And that will probably be a good thing.

I know that I have heard most people say that when they do a juice fast that things shift in their lives and happiness and calmness comes on - and euphoria. I am not really in a position I dont think to do a juice fast- I mean I could- but I wont. Not when I am already thin and worried of looking like a skeleton.

But I do want to increase my juicing by a lot - like up to 3 litres a day- and thats including a wheatgrass shot too. I want to get those juices in me and flood my body with organic nutrients and also move my body and workout-

along with practicing mindfulness and other techniques and avoiding the mirror for a while.

I think if I can push myself into doing these things- it could really help at least the chemical parts in my body lessen the depresson.

 

[grapevine]

Decided to work on the weekend which I haven't done in ages. The reason why is because I needed desperately to get out of my home life and be away from deep loneliness and compulsions and anxiety and deep depression.

It got me up in the morning - got me away from the mirror and away fro my bed and around people at least around one lady I trust and and talk with.

But it still really hurts that 'he' - is there - I mean its fine and reality and stuff is good or normality is good - but the thing is that I am finding it so hard being rejected by him on many levels - even though he can acknowledge me and things at work.

The thing is that so twice now he has invited me over his place and gone out to tea. Now he stopped following me on fb and all these other women ( that he did not know). And doesn't really so******e with me now - so I avoid him like the plague - and also have quite bad shyness and insecurity around him now. I mean someone who is friendly then not and up and down like that- it makes you feel like youve done something wrong - that the way I look - all the things I hate about myself have been seen- or that I am boring and all that- I find it so hard to talk to him now.

So, its like I am nothing. Im not attractive - its like I am some ugly saggy face anorexic looking with lots of mental problems that everyone has to step around or ignore.

I just hate feeling so hurt by him- so rejected - that why lead me to thinking that I am his friend once again and then that I am not again. I mean I cant help but think its me and that I am and do all the time - avoid him or say the same things - I just find it hard to be myself around someone that obviously cannot respect my feelings or not even recognise them.

I am a female too- certain things like asking me out to dinner and taking me to your man cave for a movie - as just friends but not spoken as that - its kind of emotionally ignorant- especially on my part- but to then avoid me and stuff. It makes me feel so rejected once again-

an I mentally make myself stop and not hang on. But emotionally its always there and it hurts. This person is never going to care about me. I need to get wise more, I dont know I need to help myself and have my own space to feel better.

But its like I am a boring person etc.. all the things from my past- all the abuse from that guy 9 years ago - that is what comes to the surface a little bit- things that were said to me from him that I never did anything to provoke. He ignored me too- said I was this and this and this and I looked like this and that and I walked like this and that and Im this and that.. all really horrible stuff-

So the things at the moment- with work- it makes me so drained. I dont know what to do.

Inside - my intuition tells me that I need to get away from him - from being around him and at work for sometime. That I just need to rid myself of this feeling of being not good enough all the time to hang out or become a friend more. That this person does not really want to know me. And being so lonely it hurts. And getting hooked on the speculation of being wanted again.

But I know that also, I dont really want to be around people that would like me - because at the moment I do not like myself- I feel so insecure. I have so much problems with the mirror and feeling so exposed around anyone because of my body image issues.

I get told that Ive lost more weight all the time- and I dont like it. I just want to look healthy and happy and pretty and not so sensitive. And I want this guy at work to actually be friends with and not cold most of the time.

I want to be able to talk and be friendly with this guy at work and not have to feel myself being negatively evaluated and rejected. I dont want to feel like I am just some boring person there and nothing special. I can change how I feel about myself but its really hard with someone like that.

 

[grapevine]

So I realise now that its nothing to do with anyone at work. Its nothing to do with that guy at work either. It's all my own 'stuff' that I have carried around with me for ages.
Its bdd and its anxiety and depression.

I want to get well. I dont really care about the guy at work like that anymore. Although I would like to be able to make everything just neutral there and not be so insecure/self conscious and feel so ugly etc etc. But its just because he is a man my age and that is why I get worked up and I just feel rejection- with bdd its hard to take. But its not that- its that I have been rejecting myself come this year.

Ive decided I am going to get some fillers in my face for the first time. And this is a very personal decision that I have thought carefully. I need to be in a space where I am not sensitive to it but will go get it done. It might just help with my face issue as I feel like as I have been depressed and bed ridden most of the time- I guess Ive lost weight by atrophy a bit- especially in the face and its like I just woke up and my face dramatically changed- the volume in my cheeks gone. And this is a common thing anyway for people who loose weight and for people in their 30s. So I am wanting to have this done - not to change myself but to restore my cheek volume a little - if it will work. I will still be myself - just not so drained and tired looking. I would like to be able to wake up and not be so depressed and dreading looking in the mirror because my face looks worse after sleeping- like deflated. If I can do something to try - because these fillers are not permanent, then I think its worth trying.

At the same time- I want try to un-hieghten myself from image stuff. And the way that I think I can do that for me is concentrating on my health and my ebay business. My parents are going on a holiday next week so I will be on my own and I will have a bt of quietness and freedom.
With health I want to juice alot and exercise often. Push myself to get out into the sun and get those seritonin in me. I just think of that fat sick and nearly dead and how happy that Phil was after a while of juicing. His depression was almost all gone. I just want to increase my nutrients and get fit - but not for weightloss- but for my mind.
And I so need to get away from all that image pressure stuff. I want to be able to be in a room especially at home and not feel so anxious - exposed- and not feel so compelled to look at my reflection with dread or anxiety and to not have that compulsion on my mind all the time.
Im not putting pressure on myself- I just want to do these things and be mindful and really try my best to push myself out of this horrible horrible physical and emotional feeling/s of hating the way I look- feeling so insecure that I find it very hard to be in my own body and search for security from other people just to be able to be okay.

NO I dont want to be like that anymore. I want to be okay and humble and motivated in my life - passionate again and also able to like myself in my own skin again- but not make it the world. I want to have some sense of security again and ground.

I know there are ways to help me - traditional ways - but Im not really wanting to have cbt right now and I can do it myself. I just want to move into a better self image of myself and my life- find myself again and my confidence again. And not rely on anyone for that.

I think I can do it- and its a wave thing - so up and down- but Ive been in such bad spots like this before and managed to get out and this is not that bad like in the past - I really only have myself this time anyway.

 

[grapevine]

Hibernation that's how I feel - yet when I get up and look in the mirror it's there and distress again and back to bed again until I can conjure up a better more resilient time to push myself .


I was happy with myself and now I realise hurtful identity of myself

 

[grapevine]

I accidently broke this huge mirror today at home. My 'go to' mirror thats been in my room for ages- we had a very close relationship. And its funny because I was like - nah Im not going out today and its late afternoon then- but as soon as my mirror broke - Im like .. need to get a new one.. but they didnt have any big mirrors like that- those swivel ones.

Maybe Im better without it!

 

[grapevine]

Did things last night that actually made the world of good. I exercised - and I hadnt really done that all year. I also made sure I had a complex carb too and that I relaxed and had some tea and watched call the midwives. I felt a whole lot better.

So I am convinced that the swings in depression and anxiety have imput from my blood sugar levels and minerals.

This morning was so great - I worked out again- I had the tv blaring from itunes and actually liked what I looked like in the mirror for once.

BUT...

Then I went to work. The thing is that despite what I have said about the guy at work- It does always get me perked up and happy to go to work because he is there. I know that sounds a bit co-dependent - but its true.

He made me feel feminine and get over the fear a bit of guys. I mean I would never of gone to a guy's place - but Ive done it a few times now. And to go through that body image and falling for him and have deal with it has been tough- but it always was better- it felt better in reality when I saw him - I could realise it was all in my head.

So imagine my heartbreak when I was told this morning that he had gotten the sack for something petty. And he had been working there for 5 years before I got there.

I literally felt like my heart had fallen out my chest. The whole day at work I was so un-motivated and upset. And I still am.

I will probably never see him again now. Although I know where he lives and we live in a country town - its pretty populated.

When I got home, I did write a quick message to him via FB- despite not being his friend on there.

It just hurts because even though I know it hurts me- I would hold out every week to see him and always be apprehensive if he were to ask out again - no biggie.

But considering the amount of time he would ask me out again and not really seeming to care much if I were there - well it would seem like that - but I would do that too.

But just as a friend it was good being invited and hanging out with a guy my age with mental issues too.

So its really upsetting because work will be boring and a reminder of him not being there anymore- and I doubt he will ever want to get in contact with me.

So its as if he has died or something- its so - its like a breakup.

I dont know. I would hope to see him around - for him to contact me - but I doubt it.

I hate falling for the wrong people. It just really hurts- and it hurts that I wont see him again

: ( ..

I never meant anything to him. If I did he wouldve messaged me back, he wouldve asked me out more and things. I dont know what people with schiz are suppose to be like. But this really hurts, because obviously he is obsessed still with fake internet women and wouldnt care if I was around him or not.

Why the hell does this have to hurt so much. I mean - I will most likely never again see him. He will probably never initiate as a friend not without work, not if he doesnt see me. And I crave just hanging out with him and laughing and watching a film and feeling feminine. Its just we had good times and he befriended me and was overly nice. So now, when I go to work there is nothing to look forward to- even a lady who works another day has taken over the decorating and undoes everything I do and I feel I have no enthusiasm for working for a company that sacks someone who has a mental illness under something so petty and who has been working there for 4-5 years. They do not support my values. Everything feels lost and gone - there is noone to look forward to now and no security- and all there is rejection and depression.

I really dont know now how to get up from this. He was something that made everything change for me- just to be around a guy was a big deal for me- because I had avoided them- and then to talk with him and joke and feel accepted - and then to be invited over and placed into his world. There are parts of me that would say that it was just because of his ego that he did that - but then another says that he was just lonely-
I dont know if he liked my company or not. Alot of times he was in his own world and not really interested in me anyway. But it made me feel not alone- that there was a guy that I could hang out with and perhaps call a friend even. To be around a guy and his family that knows what its like to live with a mental illness in the family and be the same age.

I feel so alone, rejected and de-motivated and depressed. I dont want to go down a road where I quit looking after myself just because there is no guy crush to push me look after myself. I mean I wanted a break from him, but not for him to be out of my life.

I guess the thing that hurts is that he- over time could always message me or even ring me- but I know he never will. So I will be living in rejection again. And that is painful. I will feel even more depressed and alone and hurt and ugly and all of that stuff.

How do I overcome this? Why do I have someone who befriended me but not. I hate it.

I really feel like giving up work and life again. But I know I wont. But if this gets so bad and in the midst of winter. I really dont know what to do.

I just had this thing that going into work there was something- someone different in my life that I could feel different in myself and now that is gone. I thought he would always be there. Why do I have to not be a friend but be some sort of aquaintence.

I know that from now on I just cant work there much- not like I used to. There is nothing there that I feel keeps me now- everything that did is now gone- first it was the freedom and creativity and now he is gone. So I know I will just do my 4 hours and go home and be depressed. And all week I will be depressed. Days in bed and never coming out again- it feels so much more enticing.

I just feel so abandoned I guess. I mean I know its early days- but I had this thing that in going to work that if he was there, then it made my day- despite all the bdd and all that stuff. I thought that over time I could get to know him even more and we would be the ones always working there.

But now. I guess the only thing I go there for is to get stuff for my ebay. I just feel so alone and unloved and like life is not worth living.

 

[grapevine]

Im just never good enough for anybody.

 

[grapevine]

Ive been so depressed more than before now and its so hard to do basic things. I just dont want to go to work now its not the same- and I really dont like to parade my face around or body for that matter- anywhere.

I need help. I never thought that I could reach it this bad again. Not at this time in my life - where I felt things were getting better.

i just feel like throwing in the towel - its just too much now. I think, when my parents get back- I will perhaps tell my mum all about it. But its hard because she can be unintentionally negative and unsupportive - always the wrong thing to say.

I am seeing a coworker tomorrow- a nice lady I work with - I never say how bad I am - but she offered to see her when she knocks off - going to a duck pond. I need to talk to someone. But Ican be sensitive and know that she will just agree with anything I say - negative sort of stuff in a way.

I think I need time off work. Im so in depression. It hurts - I feel like I cant breathe all the time and I am always crying all the time.

I just need some security and love and its hard.

But at this time in the workplace - there is hardly anyone working now and if Im not there then its wouldnt look good.

But i feel almost suicidal at this point. I hate it - I dont want to end up a hermit again - I just feel so hurt.

On top of my own stuff. Rejection after everything else is the last thing I feel I can cope with. Its like grieving a person but knowing that they dont value your company in stark contrast to how I felt about him.

I just remember only 3 or weeks ago being so perked and happy despite bdd - that he had invited me out dinner again and his place for a film. I felt accepted and had a friend and secure. I felt a bit of happy. And he was very gentlemen like always with people- but you would think it was just to you like very caring. Make me melt. But I knew I wasnt on his mind.

But for sometime it really felt like I was. But I dont know my perception is warped I guess. But it just feels similar to the abuse of the past where a guy will like me but not like me and keep me on a leash almost - but at the same time not really be in relationship with me.
In the past I know it was my insecurity and rejection that was the cause - I know men run from desperate women and I get that. But that past was very abusive emotionally.

But in this case- I just hate how he would show that he may care to be around me - even for a few times - and actually invite me over and all that- but yet not call me a friend. Not have me as a friend on fb and then finally get sacked or quit or work and yet not answer back to me when I message. I can understand that.

But the thing is that Ive been rejected by him- I am not someone in his friend zone even though he made me at times feel like that.
So when he quits work and doesn't want to associate with anyone from work - even though its been a couple of days- when he had time to actually get his job back today and chose not to out of pride- that tells me that he doesnt want to know me and care that he wont see me anymore.

He doesnt want to be my friend. I dont think there will be a day when he will look me up and try to contact me. I highly doubt that. He has done that with other people I think.

But you never know. I just wonder what will happen at work because they are struggling for someone to work on the weekends now. I just dont understand how the head office thought to sack this guy for no real reason. And then he said to hell with it- even his father swore and hung up on the phone. So its like - even though many days later when I found out - I messaged him even though I am not his friend on FB- and told him it was all stupid and to hell with work and for the future. Of course he would never respond. So it feels like I am among all the others at work that can go to hell.

It makes me see work now for what it is, not for what it was. For what it was, was a wonderland of me feeling hightened emotions around a guy that I was infatuated by and loved to be around, to hear his voice would calm me for some reason- give me security - What it is now is a dump and something I just dont want to deal with.


I just hate that everytime I go to work now it is a disappointment. Because I would always hold out for Friday- the day when he wouldnt be serving and would hang out a little with me and we would eat lunch together too.

The ability for him to just talk to anyone and be really friendly. People from all walks of life- that made me feel comfortable. And now its all gone.

But I hated not feeling 'good enough' all the time in looks for him though. That severely hurt. And still he fb returned his page to some other blonde he doesn't know and love hearts and all that. Delusional cycle. I hate how I look.

But I dont feel great about myself anyway- I feel rotten. Ugly and weird in my face and body and dont want to be seen or heard.

Everything has just gone wrong.I would always tell myself that he would always be there. I just wonder as time goes on work-wise if they cannot get anyone else they may try to get him back - overtime if he is struggling too - that he might end up back there but I highly doubt that.

Its just it was a security thing. Hard to explain. Its like I guess I always had somewhere and someone to go to to feel comfortable around a guy my age - to feel accepted a bit by a guy my age I guess. And I felt that I could always be in control of that. And the calmness he had and I felt it wa okay to have a mental illness and to be accepted by his family too. It gave me security.

But once again I learn that people dont really want to be with me. And even in hiding my insecurities often and trying communication.
Its like I am so ackward and boring and insecure, uncool that its like they feel sorry for me and will do stuff but not really want to be with me. In his case it was I think him just being nice to me - or thinking he is being nice and also having an ego dig and using me to out his lonliness. IDK.

But I wont see him again. And it hurts too that he coud seem so cool when he plays his guitar and all the metal stuff and that culture and his band friends and all that- it just makes me feel so uncool - esp with all these blonde women he fancies the look of on the internet- I mean to go out of his way with all those love hearts and stuff - well if he liked me - it would be like that - but im not good enough in looks to him.

I am just writing my feelings out. It helps me.

This is so hard as winter is crawling upon here. I thought everything would be better in the romance of winter.

But he is so into his own mental health schiz heightened reality of himself - that it actually makes me feel so uncool. You know smoking bad boy tattoos playing electric guitar good, being so up himself - and not needing anyone and also thinking the only woman for him has to look a certain way.

I just feel so uncool and so ugly and so no good and so boring and insecure. I dont want to be around society once more its too hard.

 

[grapevine]

I'm watching Shaun the sheep and I forgot what I used to always like before in my life -
Before work and ego and having to care and put in so much effort to look good so that I get attention.

I forgot that in my 14 years of basically house bound, I used to really like the idea of having my own little farm and just living with my animals and having a pretty garden.

I basically have lived like that all that time. I live on a property and have lots of chickens, ducks and a couple of sheep and others. I used to only care about gardening and my animals. My garden always ended up destroyed by something but I would always start again with enthusiasm,

But I hated being seen and feeling so boring like an old retired person. I was so overweight and hated myself so much that I just couldn't go out and be around people ESP the young girls that would come round in tourist times.

I remember in all that time just going to the supermarket - it was hard and I had issues with clothes all that time too - I had only a small number of clothes to wear consisting of a few hoodies really and I was too self conscious to even wear a T-shirt in summer - I would wear jumpers basically.

And my time to go out was really only s couple of times a week and I would take my mum with me - and we would do our grocery shopping. And I would basically buy stuff that didn't serve me like junk food - I would emotionally eat to stuff my emotions. I remember before I started work I would go out on an anxiety quick trip to the supermarket to get choc chips and make out I was baking but I was actually buying it to eat it all.
I'm glad I'm not like that anymore. But I was so overweight.

There was no one in my life the whole years except for my parents and the avusice guy one year.
And then to now. So you can see that any small gesture esp from a male is very heightened for me.

And for years being overweight because of the abuse those years ago - when then I was underweight but even when I was better I was still abused by that guy - emotionally and so.

But for years of being over weight I thought and was obsessed about loosing that weight. I thought that if I lost all that weight and was really healthy , my life would be perfect almost - I would be hapoy and want to go out - the thing is the thing that triggered me to loose weight was a guy at work. It brought back those old feelings.
And as I lost weight for the first time in 9 years I started to gain confidence again. And everything felt like it was all working and I was so happy but still lonely.
But now since last year - loosing even more weight from depression - and loosing hair from split ends and stress- now I look kind of weird. I just thought that when I lost weight that losing weight I would look nice and get some compliments and feel look pretty but they never came and everything around me was telling me the opposite. And now I see what they see and notice that I have a weird face and when I open my mouth to talk or laugh, I look terrible ugly because I have such a narrow jaw for my face. my teeth are okay but the small narrow jaw is too narrow for my face and it just looks really weird. Like s long face. So today at work when I was talking outside and caught a bit of my reflection in the mirror window - whilst I was talking I started to get very distressed and have an attack and had to go home because it was that on top of the other stuff I was feeling.

Tonight I've had cried and actually whaled out loud for ages . First in the lounge and then in a hot shower for ages. Breathing being so labeled.

Will I ever not be rejected by a guy again because of looks?
That is why it's so painful part of it - because it's the pain from the past solids ting stuff negative stuff.

I just wanted to at work - I just thought that when it all first started that I was okay as I was accepted as I was that I was special and pretty in my own way not perfect but me and that this guy could see that and wanted to get to know me .
I thought at the time that here was a guy that seemed down to earth and accepting of me and friendly. That he saw I was sensitive and was caring. Anyway don't really know or understand any of it / but I think that he is like that with most people but I didn't know then but I also think that others who worked could tell he liked me at various times.

I know I have needed to get away from him and find myself again but I've never been good with finding myself my whole life - it's always ended in something bad like being a hermit or being overweight or underweight or looking terrible.
As a kid I guess I was taught not to trust myself as mum would do basic things for me at a young age / because I was slow a bit as a kid - I was not independent when other kids were and mum lacked patience with me and it gave me anxiety. So I guess that is why I don't trust myself and get anxiety.
I'm writing a lot tonight because it's the only thing giving me a little bit of comfort and I don't feel alone as long as u concenttate on this and not on shocks to my system.

Because he is not there anymore it's just even a whole shock even at work - he was the one that glued everything together and everyone and was always there.
He had a big presence.

But with me I fear that because I had him in my life -work life that was the difference to me than how I was before.
That I had that guy there to be on my toes to look after myself - I got far in looking after all the things I neglected in me like clothes and weight and all that just because he was there. It was like a hormone thing - that I felt everything is all different because there is this guy there and I'm around people too - but mainly my identity around this guy - the sexual tension was always very high and that made me feel feminine.

He just mixed everything for me - good and bad and now it's stark and I just feel like grieving and rejection and emptiness and boring and like nothing is worth anything in my happiness anymore except I guess if I were to see my reflection and actually like it and look acceptable.

I just want to love myself again but I can't. All I see i not good enough it's entrenched in me.

I see how ugly I am now an just don't want to be seen - I'm too ashamed.

 

[grapevine]

He wrote responded to me the other day and became friends on fb. Said I could write to him and could hang out still if I wanted.

But it still hurts I know I'm not you know and I tried to change myself over an over again for over 6 months . I ended up ignoring him all the time because I was so hurt by all that pressure I personally felt to try to win his affection by trying to look somehow better and aspire to be those images of women he easily spreads love to just because of how they look. Women with no voice or character just images he's found.
It's still so hurtful. For him to of kind if made me feel like I was okay but then be rejected because of a delusion fantasy based on his past and mental phychotic episode. To know that your not good enough in looks and so don't get that affection really hurts. I did so much to improve my looks but it's all gone down hill now.
I am physically and internally really not Iiking myself. I feel extremely depressed and anxious and insecure and I am alone.

I feel almost suicidal at this point.

That guy is all into his world and his mates and heavy metal culture and all that.

I am so depressed I just aren't even holding onto threads now - everything is gone that's how it feels because I was silly to have those emotions and think I was good enough.
It just reminds me of the past. The emotional abuse from that guy 8- 9 years ago and rejection.
I mean I was rejected by that guy in first meeting him because of how I looked - and then all those comments about my body and stuff - I just remember one time when in bed with that guy and he gets my hand and makes me feel my behind and then compare that to his and tell me my butt was awful because I was so skinny and I remember at the time saying that Paris Hilton was skinny like that and his response was yeah but she's pretty'.
There were so many things like that that hurt. And any way I never thought Paris Hilton was that. But to the now and you can see how painful this is for me.

 

[grapevine]

He wrote responded to me the other day and became friends on fb. Said I could write to him and could hang out still if I wanted.

But it still hurts I know I'm not you know and I tried to change myself over an over again for over 6 months . I ended up ignoring him all the time because I was so hurt by all that pressure I personally felt to try to win his affection by trying to look somehow better and aspire to be those images of women he easily spreads love to just because of how they look. Women with no voice or character just images he's found.
It's still so hurtful. For him to of kind if made me feel like I was okay but then be rejected because of a delusion fantasy based on his past and mental phychotic episode. To know that your not good enough in looks and so don't get that affection really hurts. I did so much to improve my looks but it's all gone down hill now.
I am physically and internally really not Iiking myself. I feel extremely depressed and anxious and insecure and I am alone.

I feel almost suicidal at this point.

That guy is all into his world and his mates and heavy metal culture and all that.

I am so depressed I just aren't even holding onto threads now - everything is gone that's how it feels because I was silly to have those emotions and think I was good enough.
It just reminds me of the past. The emotional abuse from that guy 8- 9 years ago and rejection.
I mean I was rejected by that guy in first meeting him because of how I looked - and then all those comments about my body and stuff - I just remember one time when in bed with that guy and he gets my hand and makes me feel my behind and then compare that to his and tell me my butt was awful because I was so skinny and I remember at the time saying that Paris Hilton was skinny like that and his response was yeah but she's pretty'.
There were so many things like that that hurt. And any way I never thought Paris Hilton was that. But to the now and you can see how painful this is for me.

This just feels like my demise all over again . I don't want to go back to housebound and to feeling so sensitive to anything related to image again, I don't want to be that girl all alone with no life like my whole adult life has been - I don't want to constantly feel so ugly and self conscious and not good enough.

But like today - I can feel my face drag down and then I get up and I can see in the mirror that I look not only unhealthy and horrid but weird looking in my face - my mouth eyes nose the shape of my face. I've had bdd issues my whole life even as a child . I feel I do need to do some to at least get some volume back in my face now.
I didn't think I would be so depressed this year. I thought that come winter i would be in some romance type thing - I was holding out on a whim of that.
It was silly to think and it hurts to even think of that now because of my face and stuff.

I'm just so scared because at this point I feel like I'm going further back beyond all the progress I made - that I fear once again I will be housebound but this time end up quitting my job even - it feels like that because I just don't want to be seen and work is just an empty reminder of the missing and rejection and I just can't take anyone's evaluation of me - I can't take being around people knowing they can see me - like this - and the depression is a whole other battle - to have to constantly go to the bathroom to cry - and then try to cover it-
It's a lot to ask yo work even just 8 hours a week - but o guess it gets me out .

For years I avoided men and image stuff for this very reason and it all comes back to consume me and eat me up till I'm have dead just bye cause I chose to delve in it again for once.

I feel so alone - parents on holiday and no one for comfort - I feel great anxiety and very severe depression and insecurity.

I feel like I have a severe illness - bedridden in so much emotional pain.
I just am not liking myself anymore and there is not the guy at work to make me feel that security and a bit of feminity and acceptance. I just know it's rejection and I look awful - and not just because of his agendas but others at work too.

I don't know what to do because I'm so sick but I fear I will just end up back like the other time. I will end up back stuck in my parents world and co dependent with my mum and everything a challenge to go out everything again. I just don't want that.
But it's like everyone is normal looking and I have facial deformities - I might feel okay and then go into the mirror and feel my stomach drop and not want to go anywhere.

 

[grapevine]

I think that having been severely rejected and emotionally abused in the past from a guy and then to of avoid them again for so long.

I think that having one just casually around and being invited over - I think those things really helped overcome parts of my bdd at those times in those moments.

At the same time it just feels like my past all over again because I remember I completely burnt myself out in high anxiety for over 6 months in bdd trying to look perfect so I could get affection - it's a pattern I go through and to do with my past as a child/teen.

So now I am just really hating my appearance and holding onto hope of getting some fillers in my cheeks to replace the volume loss there and that I think is acceptable if you saw my fa e right now - I think at my age dealing with the high anxiety and distress and disappointment and bdd over 6 months has really taken its turn - the stress and loosing more weight from it unintentionally- and now severe depression - I d not feel feminine at all when I look in the mirror and it really bothers me. And my hair so thin from all this.

Anyway I think I need to try self compassion and start again and rest and let myself find another path.

I know that this face thing is getting me down and that fillers will help - but apprehensive of it going wrong.but happy if it goes right. At least they are not permanent and can be reversed.
I just have to be on the same page as the practitioner and see their past customers etc

I am thinking of joining the gym my Mum goes to maybe - when I'm a bit better - to do some class with weights or to do yoga - just to get out and feel better - but the thought of a big miror - idk if they have one. But I think it would be good for my confidence.

Then there is this art place for people with mental illness - where you can casually turn up and paint or do your own thing - and it's mixed sex not just women.

I know I will still be thinking about him though - but there will be a time when I will go out to tea and a film again with him - I just hope that I will be able to see him at a distance in mind when that happens - so I will get that reality check of what was in my head to what is real and see the not so great etc - but then also I just have always had a problem with friends and have never been able to really be loose friends with people - when I was young a friend was a close person that you would see often - and that's what I know - so it's hard to be friends with people you may hardly ever see. But with that guy - we are complete opposites anyway.
But I like feeling accepted and facing reality I guess.

Anyway I just want to somehow get myself to feeling good about myself again. I've ordered some homeopathy Ignata which people say works for depression and anxiety - I always thought homeopathy does not work but I've never tried it.
Everything just seems so painful atm, it's so hard to get up I. The morning. I think when my parents come home from their holiday in a few days it will be even worse because I get self conscious in the morning more because my face is worse.

I haven't juiced or looked after myself much since the news of the guy not coming back to work on Thursday. Ive felt like a hole in my heart and body since - I guess for me things are sensitive and I mean I spent 4 days a week around him most of the time for nearly a year - I thought he would always be there - we all did. Now it's just so hard to go into work and him not being there is a horrid reminder - it's like mourning or like a breakup - it's hard.

It's like it's GAD rearing its head too. It just feels like a big loss. But I hope I can get out of this depression. I think inside I had been holding on for so long not being able to internally relax. Because I felt inside that I had to change my body to feel comfortable around a guy my age. And turning years of emotional eating - ridding myself of that because the trigger is always when I am around a guy that triggers me - I will use that emotion to scare myself into caring for myself I think. And although I don't have food issues anymore except for struggling to eat well because of depression - I still have a fear because of the past that if I internally relax just because a guy is not around anymore at work that I will resort to not caring about myself again and stuff - I mean that was awful I wouldn't even come on s forum or on fb for years really because I was just so ashamed of myself.

Anyway I just need to balance my emotions.

 

[grapevine]

I feel very lonely and trying to cope with it. I know I am not well at all. I mean esp when at the drop of a hat you start whaling and crying so loud and cant breathe and decide to have a hot shower and then it starts again..

In my mind this bdd when I see my reflection I feel sick in the stomach, I will go to the bathroom and look in the mirror an evaluate. I do it from afar and not close up as I can see my whole self that way. And I guess my mind is wanting to be like those girls that the guy likes. And I see that I am not like that. And I remember things from people at work that suggest to me that I am not okay looking - even if it may be wrongly perceived. But non one - not even my mother says anything nice except that I have nice skin - which I always perceive as a negative thing just trying to make me feel okay but not prepared to say I look nice- or even pretty- nothing like that. Yet it can be easily thrown out about other people- and I guess that hurts because it pushes my negative beliefs.

When I was feeling okay about myself last year -for the first time in a long time, even though I was still insecure but learning to trust my new positivity and self/body image I remember I actually put up a photo of myself as my profile- something I never do - take photos and esp not put them up. But it went on the news feed and my mum saw it on her ipad and instead of saying anything nice, she was more about feeling embarrassed for me that a large photo of my face was on there and because of her reaction my confidence fell again but I left it there for a day until I put it down. I mean I wasnt wearing any makeup as i'm allergic to that but I didnt really need it as it was a slightly dark photo with a lamp for light.
Then I remember around that time so many things were just jumping at me telling me I was that ugly awkard fugly looking person that was too horrible to go out.

Things people would say - like one old lady I work with would always tell me how gorgeous certain women she had met were and explain their how they looked so nice etc. And that would get to me because I was making a hell of an effort personally and stepping out my boundaries in the way I dressed and cared for myself. I felt so good and felt I looked beautiful actually - everything was cared for in my appearance, although I wasnt wearing makeup or anything like that and just wearing casual clothing but I was still looking okay I thought. It just got to me that I went to efforts and nothing nice could be said to me. Almost like a silent general knowledge that I did not deserve anything nice said to me because I actually was ugly and fugly and just me - not anything worthy of a compliment.

And then the time, when another lady I work with said, when walking with her to help someone said to that person that 'we are not here for looks' as a joke. But having bdd and starting to believe in my old negativity - everything started to reverse but I was so strong to not let it do that.

Then there was him. Who out of the blue told me to think about the most good looking man I have ever seen and that is how he thinks of some woman in his past - that he hates and loves that person despite that he never really was in a relationship with her and was in psychosis. He just apparently flirted with her for 6 months in person(?) and then she sent each other underwear photos and then found she was with a guy and got pregnant.Then ended up getting angry and following her. Before that giving her gifts of all the things he valued in his life. He would talk about never getting back. Then he ended up in a psych ward for a short time and medicated for schizophrenia.
And that was many many years ago.

Anyway, he would bring that up nearly everytime I was around him. When he took me out, sitting at the table. You know it just hurt a bit. It was that little bit more to tell me I was ugly and not desirable or worthy again.

Then another time with him, I was sitting down for lunch reading a book I had found about body image dissatisfaction. I was casually hiding the book - no big deal. But Im an adult, nobody knows of my bdd. He asked me what I was reading and I thought as an adult, I would just show him- with the embarrassing caption in the back about 'do you think your life would be better if you looked better etc..' and he just said 'cool' and walked off. I took that as once again another sign that I was ugly and not worthy of anything nice said to me about my appearance.

And then the 'dates' that turned out not actually being dates when they to me kind of thought that they were- it just felt like he would want it to be but then think of his past and that girl and how I dont compare and all that- because of the way I look . And then those photos of those women on the net - that he obsesses about- any woman would feel so insecure around all that. Especially with bdd. And then even a comment/s about hot girls or something, which obviously Im not in that. Just hurts. Ive learnt since I was young somehow that you have to look perfect to find love and affection and I dont and so I dont get that.

And then I guess I just started to see the negative again. And then the bdd- where I would try so hard to change my hair - and get so so obsessed so badly that it would become entrenched in ocd rituals per day and night and such high anxiety and desperateness. So extreme with dying my hair and bleaching and having so many showers per day, with looking in the mirror and getting deep distress and having to start the cycle again with bouts of severe emotional meltdowns followed by severe anxiety. I felt like I had to try to get my hair right - bleach that front bit and a bit more- it would get me a high thinking about doing it that it and looked blonde, then I would get the attention and affection from him.
And it didn't help when he came up and asked me out again after it was noticeable and he even commented that I had bleached my hair.

Anyway, I started to realise that when I looked in the mirror, at those times I liked myself I believe that was a delusion because of my weightloss I was happy because of that at the time and did not notice the bad things like other people do.
I did not notice myself in animation in the mirror I dont think either. For when I liked myself I would smile and that would be okay and I would be okay. But now I realise that and I just find it really hard to do in the mirror - but when I talk and laugh - my jaw, teeth kind of completely change me into something far worse and ugly - like goofy - I cant even smile with teeth properly because my jaw is so so narrow and small - I look forced and ridiculous - it makes my face look so long and weird. And then I think back to photos from highschool and remember that issue then. Since that, I try not to laugh or talk much anymore. Last week I saw my face in a mirrored window when i was talking to people at work and that made me have to drive home and have a cry.

So I realised that is what people were seeing, when I talked and was animated- that is why I never got anything nice said to me- because I truely looked terrible.

But since then, my weight has been going down even more and my face sagged - its horrible and embarrassing and when I see that - I see everything else wrong and see why I was rejected by the guy from work and then I go on fb and he's my friend now and I see those blonde women he is in a delusion with (photoshopping himself with a girl and love hearts - he doesnt even know) - and that just contributes to me thinking bad thoughts about my face and everything else.

Today I thought about how I just couldnt go to work anymore. Come workday on Thurs and Fri, I thought I just cant let anyone see me anymore. And I felt so embarrassed for thinking that I was okay and I so******ed with 'him' looking how I look.

And I realise that I know why I am treated like a 'mate' as he calls me and not like a girl kind of thing. And that hurts too. Its like as though I am just not good enough because of the way I look.

At the moment Ive been in such severe depression and anxiety and lonliness/insecurity. Ive been so so so ill that I know that I need to get proper help. As of now my concerns with bdd are about my face and hair and they are extreme to the point where like today and yesterday I was in such distress that nothing could calm me down nor numb my emotional pain.

Its just so hard.

Its hard too, because I feel so alone and feel like I am going to go backwards because there is not a guy at work anymore. Ive explained that in other posts. I guess despite infatuation and all that- the very existence of him being at work was something that could make me feel like that I was accepted by a guy despite the bdd in me telling me stuff- the normality of having him there it helped my phobia of men too.

But its like a shock to me and bereavement when I remember that he is not going to be there anymore. It was what I would think about walking through those doors at work every morning. Somehow it just besides the bad stuff- give me that reality and comfort sort of.

 

[grapevine]

Haven't been out the house since Saturday and it's Tuesday now. I've been alone all week because my parents are on holidays.

I haven't been out because I've been so depressed and self conscious of my face.
Seriously I have atrophied really badly and it's so ugly and embarrassing . And half my hair is gone too. I mean my bdd shows me things I don't like but to also develop a facial prolapse on top of that has been horrid. And to have very thin bad hair too now . It's like I feel that I just want that face filler now and then I just want to wave some wand and freeze everything til my hair grows all back again and in healthy and look healthy again - because I look so stressed and old and stuff now and it's like it's happened in a very short time. I just feel way too self conscious to go to work in a days time too. It's like this face melt has changed everything and also that because the guy isn't there anymore too and I take that as rejection of any interest in me because of how I look and it's a reminder when I go there.

The only thing at this point that will make me maybe feel at least normal a bit is getting filler into my cheeks because everything has atrophied in my face and in the morning it's far worse. I don't even want my parent to see me like this let alone anyone else. It hurts so much and reminds me of when I was a teen and would be upset and in conflict of myself to go out with friends or stay home and not be seen because I looked and felt terrible - I chose the later and missed out on most things in life.

I just want this face fixed a bit and then I just want to try to find some type of beauty in me and hold onto it. It's so hard right now though as I just want sleep and cry and the mirror - I cannot take photos either and never have been able to because even on a good day and I might even like my appearance like on the past if I took a photo it would look different to what I would see in the mirror completely difference as though all the things I could see that I liked in the mirror that may if formed a good image have been completely reversed in the camera. So it makes me frustrated and hurt.

 

[grapevine]

i was good today, I was. I took some tryptophan- still learning how to mix that in water as it does not mix and tastes horrible.

I think it might be also that tomorrow my parents will be back and as much as I cant stand them - they make me irritable and anxious and limit my independence- at least I wont be all alone like I have been all week.

Its just I am so sensitive at the moment with my face. To have facial atrophy and bdd does not mix and especially if you had fallen for a guy obsessed with how certain women look and think that is love and post it all on their page. Just that alone makes me feel like all my self worth bricks have collapsed again.

I havent gone out since last saturday. I havent wanted to be seen. I hate doing this. But I have like this little thing where I want to start to look after myself again. I weigh alot of that on getting fillers in my cheeks which is what I do need- its a corrective thing. In a few weeks time I will be having a consultation. I am worried that the outcome might not be what I want and I might spiral out into something worse emotionally. But maybe not, I am stronger than I think I am.

Just why was I born with such a weird face? And why did it have to change so dramatically all of a sudden in a bad way? And why did I have to fall for some stupid half wit that can destroy my health because of bdd? Why???

Every now and then I get glimpses of things that can motivate me. Like bits in tv shows, this is going to sound funny, but I remember in Mclouds Daughters (lol..yep) that one girl in that was heart broken and hurt and sad, but she concentrated on her job and her life instead, and later she became the very self confident woman on there- like she grew up and became much more assertive and happy in her own self and that is what made her much more attractive- not really how she looked but how she was so accepting of herself and her life and didnt need anything else.

There are lots of things like that in tv shows that show me this. I would like to be that. I mean I was okay without a guy and without caring much about looks for ages. I mean I cared but because I was quite overweight I was just sad all the time and ate for comfort- dissing anything that was about men at all and for good reasons. But I was still housebound basically. I remember going to Tafe (tech college) when I was overweight and within my houseboundness entrenched in 2012, something that was pushing my boundaries as I had'nt been out around people and gotten to know people and them me since 2008 when I went to tafe after the demise of the emotionally abusive relationship in 2007. But I remember it being a really really big struggle for me to just go to tafe at 2012. Even though the people were friendly and stuff. I felt so fat and ugly and embarrassed and my social skills were so bad because of that and because I hadnt been around people in a while. I remember just going to the toilet and having anxiety and crying so badly that I would stay in there for almost half a day because I was concerned about it being seen crying. Then other times I would just have to leave. It felt so disabling.

So tonight I look in the mirror and hate what I see again. I just once again in my life - even since I was a kid hate the way I look and dont want to be seen even though I desire so badly to be accepted and have fun with people and even boys- to flirt and feel good and desired. But not like this. In fact there is no time I think I ever looked good. And that hurts too.

I just want to be normal. Have a normal face.

And it really hurts to see just an image of models now with blonde hair. That is my trigger. I find it even hard to watch tv now too. I will watch mythbusters or something like that but not be able to watch anything involving love or blondes.

It just hurts and is so irronic to think that I have this condition called bdd and have been abused and avoided men for most of my life and then, the moment I get a job I get a guy being friendly and fun change me to thinking of myself differently - and so I change and then to my hideous surprise- that person ends up being all the things that I was avoiding- ends up being all about women's values on looks and rejection and stuff. Its like its more than bad luck, I mean, can I win the lottery now and go live in Hawaii??