Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

Well okay, Im not feeling very well physically and mentally at all right now, its like I feel like I cannot unwind.

I feel all yucky in my lungs and skin and my body from cigarette smoke.
From sleeping in cigarette smoke. I feel a bit heartbroken and confused and emotional. These dramas, holes and devalued issues I knew would come from this.

I guess I need my space.

 

[grapevine]

This isnt really a mature relationship. Its won with someone with schizophrenia. Someone I have had feeling for for sometime, and yet now just get so needy of what I want in a relationship and getting disappointed because my needs are not being met exactly. Not at this point, but its early in.

But its my choice to be in this- it does give me quite a bit of stuff that Im not used to- making me grow. But I need to be able to balance that with it all- put on my assertive hat. Have my values and needs met on my own- know that I am in a relationship that is my choice- knowing this person isnt really completely emotionally available perhaps. That isnt going to be able to flow out of himself much at all- where his mind is about him. Where apathy can be second nature and when kind hearted gestures are jolted conscious acts.

I guess I feel like Im a friend and not really a girlfriend. Yet we were intimate. I feel like he doesnt like my face. He said he likes my body and my heart- and kindness and other things- that I grew on him. But I just always feel so ugly around him- Im not prettty - but then I see and think I am quite okay - quite attractive in the mirror sometimes. It jsut feels like Im just really a friend but with bedroom things. But he said he genuinely likes me - so I dont know- he has gone out his way so idk. I think I will just let go and go with the flow. Weork on myself still and perhaps take breaks from him.

 

[grapevine]

SO, I just feel so completely and utterly exhausted in my body and my mind. I feel half dead- I feel like I need to sleep and get some good food and de-stress and stuff for a whole month.


So many things in the span of 2 weeks. My face looks so bad - I look so drawn out and tired. I just cancelled my filler appointment because it will make bruises and I didn't want rugs to see that I guess. But also because Im not exactly in the best of health right now to be having that done - especially as its an hours drive in the dark late afternoon through the country where kangaroos can pop out onto the road. Not good when your so tired.

So yesterday I was all sensitive to body image stuff and also got a bit disapointed because I took rugs on a car drive and we parked at a nice place. But it was just that he was in his own mind when he was talking - talking about his history and some things about fb and stuff - a bit scattered like - could not get out of that sphere. I was glad to actively listen and ask questions and understand- but its like he can get into this closed spiral and get a bit worked up and I cannot help him with that. And its like when he is like that- you recognise the illness a bit. The confused and scattered bits still there idk. I guess I just felt like he was blind to me and not actively there.

That night I wrote to him telling /asking him that whether he actually likes me or whether he just likes the idea of having a g/f and just likes my body idk. I told him a little about my bdd and my face and I told him how different we are yet a bit the same. I was just front up- how I felt. And his response was that he understood and that I seemed very worked up and anxious and to calm down. Then I went over to his place and he had presents for me. He was a gentlemen. I think he can get nervous a bit with me. But we snuggled all night in bed last night and it felt amazing. I think this relationship- with how many dramas it may take on- how many holes- I think that it gives me a sense of security from a guy that I didnt get before and for him it gives him some caring love from a girl - something he didnt get before.

But I do not like my face atm- and I feel like it gets worse with sensitivies around him and also I hate his smoking. I feel so ill because of it. But its funny how scared I thought I would be around a guy, and now Im close to one. I can be myself and he is very loyal and thoguhtful even with his illness. I sensed that we were growing closer these last few days. But I never want to rely on him for my happiness and for my security. I just want to have my space and do my thing and also be with him and help him as he can help me.

Its funny, how I felt these feelings for him for so long and yet then got all obessed about it. Because I did feel things and yet had to feel ugly. I have come to realise that when I was over his place those times- he made actual decisions not to act on me. To see me as a friend and because he knew my history. I told him how weird it was that I had a crush on him for ages and then I decide to see him as a friend (being mindful). Its odd, because when I was over there as just a friend, it was so clear to me that in the way he acted quite loyal and caring to me when I was over and that there was something there- but then I would think that it was because he didnt like the way I looked or wasnt attracted to me in that way and that I was just hurting myself really. But I enjoyed the company. But then to have him ask me out later.

Yesterday we went in to work to see a lady we worked with. When she saw us walk in together she had a big grin. And her face when he told he we were dating. She was over the moon at that. But I just hate how I am not in good health atm like I want to be. And that I am looking so terrrible in a nice time in my life.

My parents are going away for a week so he is going to come to my house for the first time- see my world. Im excited but also so exhausted. The passive smoking and emotional stress and lack of sleep and eating well have taken their toll. But Im gonna stock my fridge tomorror with food he likes and clean up a bit and stuff.

But I dont know. Despite all this good stuff coming my way and how he is showing me his love and stuff now- he has more gifts for me. I guess I just feel like my low confidence gets in the way. That he just doenst think Im pretty and will never say anything nice about my face. Its jsut makes me feel so ugly and ashamed I guess. anyway : /

 

[grapevine]

Not feeling too good today. I just hate all this evaluation stuff on appearance. Where its so confusing for me. I look in the mirror lately and I think I look quite attractive and pretty and yet the people around me let me know otherwise.

I think what is so wrong with me? Rugs has been staying at my place this week since my parents have been away. Last night we were have a close talk about things. He really really likes me for who I am, yet when he mentioned that he had been with 'pretty girls' and 'really pretty girls' and that they were horrible people..

like were am I on that then How ugly does he and others see me??? I just dont get it that I can see pretty and they cannot. I got really upset of course- and still am. Im not going to work because of it .
He thinks I dress like a tomboy and I always wear my hair back and I dont wear jewellery. He likes long hair and stuff. He says it doesnt matter but that I should make an effort in how I dress if I want to.

But that is so confusing for me. I mean I HAVE and DO make an effort everyday. All of my clothes are up to date fashion- its casual stuff- its what every other girl is wearing.

SO I just dont understand. That every single time I have ever felt good about myself there is always someones opinion of me to put me down. And what is really horrible is that it is my partner now. He is basically now - not intentionally, but making me feel like the most ugly boring girl. That I am nothing to look at. That I am an embarrassment.

The fact that I have been walking around and thinking I looked pretty and cool.. and to think that I am not. Not to him. He even mentioned his sister- how she dresses up and makes an effort- Im like what?? Yeah she wears makeup, she wears black and - yet I dont see the difference - she wears her hair back and stuff. I just dont get what is so worng with me.

And he has a high opinion of himself- I mean its not real bad or anything - but that comment about pretty girls - as if saying that hes not doing that anymore- that I am ugly- he is going the ugly or pain way..

That he doesnt like me as I am. I mean,... got almighty I dont feel good about myself right now- to be with someone that thinks this way about you. I asked why are you with me? I said you think Im ugly.

He was sincere. But I have bdd- I have had bad things said to me- I have hada past were I was always told I was pretty- and now even my boyfriend is letting me know I am not.

: (...

 

[grapevine]

This is just not a nice feeling at all. To feel so damn ugly and even to when you think your okay, know that you are not..

I want a guy to fall inlove with me - with my face- with how I look.. i dont want a guy to tell me about another girl and falling inlove with her face and then you know - that I am not good enough, that I must change how I look -

I mean he is a very nice guy- very loyal and everything, kind etc.. but I just hate this- and I need to voice it. This morning he gave me a 3rd heap of presents. All jewellery he had been keeping for years to give to a partner.

I just feel at this point right now- that its all lost. That last night we had sex for the first time- I dont know why I did that - it was nice but at the same time it reminded me of drilling into me that I am not valued - the way I look..

He is not going to tell me I am pretty. I cant even voice myself on it really because I feel so damn low right now. Even when he proposed asking me out through fb messages- he had said to me when I told him that he wasnt physically attracted to me- he had said that he was - that I had a hot little body and that I could be a *****y chick if I did this and this..

I mean why didnt I just hear that properly. I like him and I know Ive changed him for the better atm, but I need to voice this to him and be authentic.. I think I have let him step over my boundaries ..

I need to feel better about myself at least for a day, to be able to state this stuff to him. I mean, imagine feeling so bad about yourself like this - not even wanting to go out because you think people think bad things about how you look. Now even more so because once again you have been told that you are not fine in how you look. For him, he has told me that I should dress better and get more confidence- that I am like a tomboy and that I always wear my hair back.

But all over yesterday and all night and day--- its just so neurotic in my head over and over again... even though he is being every bit kind and thoughtful to me... only just this 'bit' is what has got me feel so so so so down about myself. The part when he told me as we were honestly talking to each other at night. I was being honest. But its so hard to tell someone that they hurt you - that they are telling you that your ugly by saying that they have been out with other women that were pretty and really pretty---- I mean what does that mean about me.. so that he has chosen me because I am ugly? Because he likes me for other ways.. but yet still - its a cancer--- it is soo damn hard for me : ( ....

having bdd and having to hear that. Why do I get that come my way? Is it that I attracted him because of that?

What girl wants to be with a guy that thinks she is not attractive, or that only likes her body?

I want to feel beautiful for gods sake, I want a guy to GENUINELY think I am pretty - flaws and all.

Today I have my space, so Im going to go vote and then have my own day- to do things. I need to get some grounding, I want to do my own thing, my independence thing, to not get attatched like I would have done years ago. I dont need him... that is how I want to be..

that all I need is myself and to feel good about myself and my passions and everything. To show that to this person, to be authentic and let him know how I feel first and foremost- I dont want to kid myself.

I want to know - even though he has said that he had very strong feelings for me. But I think it might just be that I have opened up his world - that he has been at my house this past few days and away from his lonely life - in his garage, depressed and just doing the same things all the time. I can understand that. But, I dont want to be just the choice because I was there- or because he just wants to do the girlfriend thing- because he just wants that... I want it to be because he has fallen for me- because he genuinely thinks Im beautiful and gets me and my world and that I fit..


I will always treat him like a friend first. Right now, Im so conflicted in my feelings. I am angry and just want to flick him away- It feels like anytime I am intimate with him - in talking or what ever- that he is seeing someone ugly, that he is the cause to my demise of my body image once again,

to voice this is very hard when Im down. I cant do that- because it will probably mean more blows to my esteem - to how I look. I learnt a long time ago that men are brutally honest.

It would just be so nice though, if he saw me as beautiful and pretty just once, but that would never happen. And that is why I am not giving myself away. That is why I am going to have an honest either talk or write to him- about this. When I feel more stable in my mental health.

Yesterday I decided not to go to work. I was so upset about his comments. I was just really really hurt. And to have to be with someone that is I think, falling for you perhaps- and being really kind - yet at the same time - think you look bad. Just really hard to deal with. Because I like him and because my self esteem was already low with my looks- to be beaten down on that.. its very hard to defend yourself when there is no self love in that department.

Im just so deep in bdd right now, I feel extremely ugly and ashamed of myself.I literally dont want to be seen or heard. I jst want to run well away.

HOw do I feel good about myself? This is all so conflicting.

I know that I can use him as a motivation in me- to say - 'well, Ill show you then..' you know.

But I just cant accept all this affection right now. I need my space. I mean yesterday, we decided to go for a small drive to this country town, instead of me going to work. I wanted to feel better- he knew I wasnt feeling good about myself- knows I have bdd- and that I wasnt happy with some things he had said about me- but I think more than ever he thinks it me thinking about my past and he is happy to care for me.

But how can I be with someone I like that doesnt like my face- when I have bdd about that very damn thing?

 

[grapevine]

So Ive been quite in disarray the last few days. Ive had Rugs.. now my bf (and that is still kind of hard to get my head around still..) staying over my place for the week whilst my parents have been away.

My mind is very clouded and even my heart has been numb for a while. But just tonight, I thought that I would have that time to myself- to sit with my laptop, my music and my hot water bottle and write out how I feel like I usually do. Get that automatic out of me, which in many ways to me is like a romance to my life. I like to get my head straight, to then be able to get my feelings out and then be able to be authentic and know where I am. Feel much more grounded and know where I am going.

So, being in a relationship with Rugs.. I will talk about another time. Because right now I want to write in my personal journal on my mac - all about where my head is with him- get it all out -

He is asleep in my bed right now- snoring really loud lol. Its just so surreal and odd and funny - that I was only an hour ago reading about how I felt about him back in November last year. Its nice to read back and see my honesty in my writing- I can look back and see what I saw in him then and how much of it developed - my feelings and obsession with him then. I just couldnt understand him and got so hurt. But since he has told me how he thinks and how he was back then- and I will mention that another time.

But yeah, spending so much time with him has made me numb- made me not feel anything for some reason. I have been in bdd and been upset with the pretty stuff - .. I will mention another time in depth all of this I am sure.

But yeah- I need to get out everything and find where I am with him and my emotions, where I want to go, and everything like that- and then- the brave part- I will write him a letter lol- because I feel it is much easier that way than to talk- we can talk about the letter- having anxiety talking about sensitive things - I still have trust issues - coming back from the abusive relationship I was in 9 years ago- that person wouldnt let me talk about myself in any sentence- even when he would ask how my day was.. crazy right?! .. well I still have that in me, that if I talk so much about myself or about feelings or things like that - that I am going to be unappreciated in the effort and not want to be heard etc..

So by writing him a letter to let him know where I stand, where I am in this relationship at this point, what I like and dont like- what has perhaps hurt me etc... and my feelings and where I want to go etc..
In blunt and short and easy to read and authentic and caring way. Because I know that men cannot read women's minds right.. ?

So for me to do this, whether he reads it or not is up to him. But its important to me and I will write that.

anyway..

 

[grapevine]

SO today I am having this break from him, like majority of the day. We agreed that perhaps we had been spending too much time together since last Tuesday, that its been like all of a sudden we have been husband and wife or something. Because my parents have been away and we have been living together at my place and spending just about everyday together, its been a bit too much to fast considering we just only 3 weeks ago or so actually got together.
Its like a little too much, like the feelings have gone. I feel like and I know he feels like that we need to have a bit of a break from each other.

For me I want to get back to my goals and feeling independent again. I also want to read up on men stuff once again like I used. I want to be on an authentic level with him- I am now which is good, but I just dont want there to be any lack of and I think that has kind of been created from spending too much time together too soon.

Its almost as if we are jsut good friends yet we sleep together- its as if we are posing as a couple but arent. And I think a big part of that has been that he had said all that stuff about looks and that had hurt me. So I was deep in feeling so ugly and had anger towards him - for how dare he make me feel that way, even if it may of been construde.
I mean, how can/could I take my guard off if I dont know where he is with me, if he doesnt like how I look? But I guess from last night and he actually for once said I was pretty but could be better. It is still a hard point for me, esp when he talks about pride in his appearance lol. I mean I could mention the things that he is blind to, but I dont you know.

But its always there if I feel the need to..

I just find it all a bit ironic that I had so many feelings for him and wanted him in my life and he wasnt there and I was obsessed and now he is there and actually my boyfriend now. He said he always had a thing for me but couldnt be bothered acting on it or something. That he has always been like that. We were talking last night about a future together ( and I dont take away my own wants for others anymore) about maybe in a few years having kids and he was talking about study now and stuff.

The thing is I know that he doesnt have feelings much right now, that they are there but they are not surfaced yet. I think its the same with me now too. I know there is deep potential there to really let go and connect, but there are things in the way of that. I mean, horribly its him telling me about how he is visual person- and wants me to dress a bit better..

that was so horrid to hear.. because it is a big thing to me to want to appear looking okay- that I wasnt maybe.. but I think now that I had that little talk with him- I can perhaps see it a bit more clearly. I just dont like how guys think that when a woman wants to talk that its somehow them being moody or something. Thats not the case usually, its more you want to know whats in thier mind and heart.

Anyway, we are so similar. Its just weird. Its just so weird that I was so emotional about him- I mean I was soooooo upset when he got fired because I knew that I perhaps wouldnt see him again. I was whaling and I didnt even understand why. I was so depressed and upset - felt like my world had crashed down. It was like woah- I know I had bdd- but it was more of my obsession and feelings for him - whether in my dream world or what I really liked about him. So its so weird to now be with him and wonder where those feelings went to. I understand what a crush is- something in your mind. I do have deep feelings for him still, they are just hiding for my safety. Because its upsetting to think that he may not feel the same way. But its odd that he can see me as kinda like his best friend now and that we are very similar and connected and the same on so many levels and that he actually sees that now- I thought that he never saw that. I guess that is what I hated, that I felt all this connection to him, that I knew that he was like me, someone that I had been looking for - in just a friend or more. But I would get upset because I thought that he didnt like me even though I felt and I know that most people at work thought that we were a match.

Anyway, things are okay. I guess at this point I want to push myself like I had started doing - getting in with one of my books and actively pushing my self worth and value and femininity. That I am just going to be myself like I have been.

One thing that makes me shine inside is the fact that I can walk around with Rugs and he can mention me as his girlfriend.. I mean to me that is like.. a really good feeling because in my old abusive relationship, I was like not even that (yet I was living like I was, but not accepted as that).. so its like wow- you like me enough to tell others that..

and that makes me want to really push myself further to take better care of myself.. in what I was doing but more..

Its so weird that ever since I picked up this book called 'mean girl' - a woman's self development book.. that since I started to let go of things and go with the flow and not try to control people- that since then, things just start to come my way a bit. You know , Im going to choose me first in my life for once - not let anyone take away who I am. I am a free person even in a relationship- (I dont mean cheat or anything).

One thing that hurt me tho, was last night talking and he said to me (had said before) that when I look so unhappy and down and worried - that when he knows Im down that its a bummer- that if I was like that all the time then he would end it.. and you know what i said..

... I said 'well that would be your desicion then wouldnt it..' I mean he thinks that its about my past getting to me all the time- that I will maybe always be like that- I said to him that I am actually ticking off things in my insecurity from the past because I do feel like they are getting resolved bcause I am with him. But having said that, I wasnt upset this week because of my abusive past- I was upset because I was going around thinking I was just a convienece to be in a relationship with and that he thought I was ugly.

But if he doesnt want to be compassionate to me when Im down - if that is what he is reffering to - that he may think that I will aways be down- then that is his problem.
I am what I am. But I am able to say to him I think now- what my needs are - if he can make me smile and feel better - give him that communication.

But I am taking this slowly and still not going to let go. Not until I see any signs that he is more emotional towards me. I reckon I know its there, but he is hard to read. If its not there over some time then I will just have to be friends with him instead. Im happy that I can say that. Because I am learning to love myself.

I lost myself again this week, but since last night, I think I am getting back on track once again.

Just need space I guess. I just do have this big motivation towards my goals right now. I want him to see more of the positive in me- I think its a huge kick for me- its something that I liked about him- that somehow I just want to show him my good side all the time- I want him to see that- my passions and stuff-

I dont know- I just somehow think that perhaps he doesnt see that yet- not all of it. I am starting to love myself, and I want to share that, despite the hump I went through this week.

I guess the way he is seeing it and taking it is just day by day and all that. So I am going to do the same and not take much into it from now on maybe. Just get with my own stuff and see how we go.

 

[grapevine]

So Im feeling a bit I dont know- emotional I guess.. tonight - all week since last Tuesday Rugs has been over my place because my parents have been away. we have been together everyday and night since. And yet on the last night that my parents get back tomorrow night, he hung out with his mates today and I did my own thing, only I guess we were going to spend the night together tonight but, he is at his own place- and I can understand that- just feel a little dissappointed I guess- but we are messaging each other.

I just am still confused too- about what he wants me to be like- what exactly does he mean when he has mentioned that he wants me to dress better or that i could look better - he doesnt get how confusing and intimidating it is to me. I mean, when I get dressed- everytime I dont know if he is going to think I look bad or not ..I cant tell what he likes - I mean he said that I needed to wear more colours, but then said I was wearing green.. and didnt like that- that I dress too plain - that I need to dress up - like its so irritating and confusing.

i just dont get it much. I mean I can kinda see how things may look a bit plain on me- but I mean he even mentioned his sister and how she could supp help me - like she wears black all the time- and wears hoodies and stuff- I mean I am literally wearing up to date stuff- my wardrobe is from Asos and sportsgirl and other brands- Ive got my $$ woolen jumpers and my long jacket and my high rise button jeans.. other women wearing just the same as me..
I dont wear makeup - but I dont really need to I guess- and my hair is up all the time - but lately I have tried half down and my hair goes a bit funny- but its like .. what the hell does he want from me?

It just gets me feeling very confused and angry and hurt and then to just not understand that if he is going to like me one day or the next - the way I look I mean. That I am just..

you know for him to say to me that he is a visual person and takes pride in his looks.. I mean--- what the??

I dont know- I feel confused as to how to deal with this. ITs spins me out because of my bdd and my perception of myself seems just once again judged that I am not okay. I just really feel like when I see him, that he sees me as not attractive or something and that is very hard to deal with. ITs very confusing. That when I think I look okay Im not idk?

 

[grapevine]

Well hes off at his mates today. I wrote him a letter anyway. God - its quite uncomfortable to do that- but I was to the point as I could be about the issue I have with him.

Today I am feeling a bit of a mess. I ve been in bed and just felt mentally exahusted really.
I have to clean the whole house up before my parents get home tonight from their trip and I am just procrastinating.

Im just so overwhelmed. I dont know where I am. I am trying to get my feet back, but I need to sleep. I wont see him until friday night so that is okay. I can get back to my own stuff then.

Just - spending so much time with him- living together for a week- its been full on and now he is not here - its bit of time to adjust I guess.

So many things I need to do but I cant be bothered.But I have to.
Cleaning and such.

Well - I spent most of the day comprising a letter. It was neutral and on point and it was authentic and assertive, Im just eh.

At least I did that for me. In the past I would have instead wrote nice things about someone if they werent nice to me- how construde is that- Im talking about abusive relationship though.

I dont know, it feels a bit uncomfortable. Like am I intruding - where am I here- in this relationship..

But all the things that I was getting on with- my juicing and wanting to exercise and stuff- all of that kind of got pushed aside since he had been here and I want to get on it again- but it just feels a little like my desire to- because like I even said to him- those things are my beauty stuff- the self care in how I eat and my health..

God tho- I just hate that I think Im walking around looking good and apparrently I am not. That every single time there is always someone to want to change me.

I wrote in the letter that most women would talk to him for a month - or dump him if he had said that to them about looks. lol

I havent settled back down yet, havent got my own independence in my room back I guess either- still have 2 beds to make a one atm..

I just feel so exahausted. I guess because my fear came out- like they do..

 

[grapevine]

Woah.... well I am feeling deep regret and embarrassment right now omg.

Why Facebook- why cant I return something Ive sent in messages - something that hasnt been read yet.. why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH god, not that it was a bad letter- just I feel like I bombarded stuff when we are only 3 weeks into our relationship - god I dont know.

My god, well - Ive tried to hide it with silly pics in messages - so perhaps he may not see it?? Probably will tho.

Anyway, I ate some weird small mushrooms in my salad from the grocery store and have felt ill since.. and very tired.

I think all day tomorrow I will rest. But at least I did some shopping today so that I can make a large green juice tomorrow.

Everything still just seems weird. Havent spent every time I have had with Rugs in the last few weeks- and basically living together in that time- and now since my parents will be back in many hours time.. Ive turned my bed back into a single and its just a weird feeling..

When I am away from him- I see that potential of those things that I tuely adore from him- that he is very loyal and caring - despite some blantancy.

I feel tho, that like we had a talk about how we needed to kind of have space for a while from each other. But I wrote that letter- I should have waited for a better time to send it I think- because it feels like Ive maybe got rid of some magic by writing it perhaps. I guess I think that he may think I am too in-depth and too complex in thinking about little things and that he wont want to deal with all that- wants to be carefree like most men- have his space and not have to worry about issues women have I guess. I dont know.

But I told him in the letter that it is the one thing holding me back. And that it really makes me question him.

Well, anyway- he is at his mates place jamming and I just dont want him to read the letter- hope he misses it now.

 

[grapevine]

OMG- well he hasnt seen it- its back in the messages and he never looks back on them I think. Geez. He still probably may see this letter. But right now, I am glad he hasnt.

I guess I felt like I needed to write it- but perhaps I didnt really want him to read it maybe. Not yet anyway
Hopefully it will not be seen and I can have my feelings preserved for a time. I feel much better in writing that letter anyway.

 

[grapevine]

Not too long ago before I was in this relationship I remember reading an email about how women can be in relationships with men that are emotionally un-available. That they just settle for that. And it got me thinking that maybe that is me.

I really got annoyed last night. I was so tired from work and when I got home and we always chat online together, moment after moment. We have genuine good time and a laugh and connect and also be very caring and stuff. Then he asked if I would like to come over last night, even though I am working today. I said, okay then. We had a movie that was only half watched. So I brought it over. I guess I shouldn't have gone over there because I was very tired and scrounging around for things to take with me over there - if I was perhaps going to work from there.

Its just that each time, he is really very caring and authetic with me through messaging and I ask him should I bring this or this and he writes to me saying yes like excited. But when I came over there- its another story I guess. So, for instance last night- it was a tiring thing for me to gather my stuff and drive over to his place. I was so tired and confused in my mind too- I just felt like I needed to have a nice lay in - in my own bed and re-read my self esteem book and write in my journals and listen to music- to un-wind. But I got excited to come over his place.

When I got there- and he put on the rest of the movie, and then like nealry everytime I have been there.. he is sitting at his computer and on facebook or youtube - whilst I am there on the couch watching this film- expecting him to watch it with me. Not only that, but he puts his videos on youtube with music playing whilst the film is going on.
That whole time I am thinking, why am I here??
Then later- he fast forwards the film and says he gets it - I mean I was asleep almost at that point.

I just felt like this is just something with him that is always going to be there. Like how its all about him. Even on Facebook- he hardly ever would visit my page probably. Yet he wants me to view his all the time. I mean, he is genuine and asks me about things in my life etc.. but there are these times when it just is compromising me I guess.

And last night when I got home I decided to streak my hair a little more. Just at the front. I dont know. Anyway- when I was chatting online to rugs - I told him what I had done. Then later, when I went and saw him and he said lets see what youve done to your hair.. and then didnt say anything. Perhaps it was the way I was sensitive and ignoring it idk.

But he is never going to say anything nice about the way I look. It is completely and utterly affecting my self esteem in that area- my bdd.

I mean last week I remember him uttering to me whilst half asleep that all that men really want is a woman to mother them..
and that was in the same night that he had told me that he had been with pretty girls and very pretty girls.. and then mentioned that they were not nice though. Meaning what, that I am ugly but nice and that is just a saccrife now?

Then he tells me that we are even in our looks together. I mean what ever.

It just is a gapping hole. I feel like I need my distance.
But I just cant disect whether a big part of these ill thoughts and feelings are through my own self esteem and insecurity things tho.

But he wasnt romantic or wanting to be with me in a way that satisfys me I guess. He wasnt present with me. Maybe that is normal I dont know.

I guess like I said, I have to push my boundaries and have respect for myself. I jsut hate it that - I think that I will never be able to top his 'beauty' ideals because of his past - and that destroys me. Because I want a guy to see my own unique beauty.

It affects everytime I am with him. When he looks at me- I see him looking at me apathy perhaps.

I mean he is getting from me- a whole big dose of caring and thoughtfulness - I have been very loyal and extremely thoughtful and nice to him. I have been more than him than he has to me. Way more.

And it kinda hurt last week when we went to the pictures and I unexpectively had to pay for him too- same with the meal we had days before and also for many other things. I know he is un-employed and hasnt the money. I was okay with it- just that it felt uncomfortable. I mean, also too- driving around in my car too. I dont know, just felt like I was being used- I dont think so, but it felt like it.

Because the other day when he had his pay in- he was all excited and said lets go shopping.. because he had the desire to shop for things.. be it in thrift stores and that his best friends bday is today. But the thing is- he didnt even think about paying me back for things. I mean, I bought him smokes and other things. It felt uncomfortable. But I did say not to worry about it though. I mean I dont really care- but I do care that he doesnt care- or is just not even thinking about me.

Not appreciating me. And then its like that -'hes just not that into you'.. which is heartless.

He is expecting me to come over this afternoon or tonight after work- but I may decide not to.

See last night, its just when in bed - he is all touchy and kinda romantic. But he said he was horny but too tired. You know, I dont want to be in a relationship where there is no feelings bcause that is what it feels like to me right now.

But I am winging it because it is early days and I like him- things about him and he is hard to read. I am just going to try and take things even more slowly now. To concentrate on myself rather than put this first I think.

He just seems so selfish at times and that he is not with me for the right reasons.

I dont know, it gets me down but then I get confused.

To me, at this point it jsut seems that he is in a relationship with me because he likes my body, can have sex and has someone to care for him, mother him- and that he gets a long well with me and we laugh at the same things - and that he likes alot of things about me - I dont know what exactly... but that there isnt anything there maybe?

I dont know. I want him to look at me and adore me for me - all of that- I cannot read him and I dont know what he is like in expressing those things either.. but it jsut feels like I am just a friend- with benefits but that he cares for me in his own way.

I dont want to be a less then from him past you know. I dont know- just hurts I guess. I am tired.

 

[grapevine]

Had a good talk today with a woman in her 40s - a nice woman who is currently volounteering at work.

I did talk her ear off tho. I felt just desperate I guess.

How can I be with someone - if I dont think that someone really truely is attracted to me? I mean he likes me in a sexual way but he is not I dont think- fallen for me. I dont know, I dont think so.

I dont want to be just easy to get girl that because of his circumstances - I present to him a future. But Im not the one that he likes in appearance, or is really into ?

I just dont know. And then I think, do I jsut relax and give it time. Have my own time to reflect and then get back to my goals.

I just feel like my needs from a partner- the basic one- where they admire you- like how you look- are attracted to how you look.. are more engaged, interested in you more.. maybe -

I dont know- I just want to go with the flow and let go of all of this and I think exercise and juicing and a good sleep will do.

Today I had bad bdd too- I put blonde streaks in my hair and they came out a bit too blonde and stuff and rusty - despite using a toner and it just doesnt look Idk.. I felt bad about myse, I jsut keep thinking my face is not one that he is going to fall in love with- he will not tell me the things that I want to hear- he is stuck in the past with someone elses face and its not fair- it hurts - it tells me to get close to him is just conforming this - that is how it feels.

 

[grapevine]

Im glad that even when I have this high BDD- that I still push myself to go out. Once apon a not that long time ago I wouldnt and I would feel worse.
Having said that, there are days where I do just need to sleep and write and cry it off.

Last night, I was so tired. I had worked the last 2 days and slept over rugs place both nights.
But I took some caffienne and GABA tablets last night for a pick me up and they really helped me feel a bit more confident in myself I guess.

So when I get there, and we took ages to decide to watch something. But I just dont get why he will go and sit way over the other couch or on the computer desk. Im learning not to read too much into these things now. Not to care so much. But, its like why isnt he sitting next to me here..

But he gets up and walks around so. But last night was good. I like laying in bed and having a deep and meaningful conversation and not being afraid of that. He told me that I am pretty and beautiful. I dont know if he meant it , I think he did- but I kinda shrugged him off of it- rather than accepting it. I explained all my confusion and stuff about dressing differently - he said that he jsut wanted me to be more feminine - that he would like me more if I did put a little makeup on and grow my hair long and dress feminine more. That he had aroused at work when I would wear pink lol.
So, I guess it just comes down to me and how I feel about myself once again. I do want to be more feminine. I guess for so long I have shut it out to the point of not realising it even when lately I have gotten all these new clothes. They are still majority 'safe' clothes. It comes down to feeling uncomfortable around my dad - to dress feminine I have felt like its inviting sexual attraction by any man, including my dad. And the trauma of my past and finding his porn stash back then and being locked out of home etc..

So anyway. Im going to get back into my routine and new things. Juicing again and exercising too. Ive just been so overwhelmed emotionally and physically tired from this new relationship- its been so surreal to me.

 

[grapevine]

Feel really anxious and angry today. Feel like the choices I am making in my life are wrong. Feel like I don't want to care or be around anyone . I guess I haven't had the time at all to be in my own space and fully absorb and work out what the hell I am doing.
I hate how my mum can be is always negative to everything I ever mention in my life. Yet totally excited and positive about other family members things. She really is the opposite to CBT - saying things in my life she has to be neg. and so I always can never talk authentically to her - I have to be careful and positive things up for her - even so -

Anyway I haven't been able to find my hotwaterbottle and my self dev book I've been relying on - I feel desperate for them but been looking for ages - they should be right in front of but they are not.
And it makes me spin out in anger frustration and anxiety.

Especially because I'm thinking about other things. One of them being so uncomfortable with my looks today - I'm so tired too. I don't want to be seen or heard.

Today is a first in 3 weeks (?) that I've actually had my space away from rugs. His best friend is over and so I'm having my time for once. But he hasn't messaged me like he usually does. But I don't really care - I just feel a lot of negativity towards him right now anyway.
That's why I want my book - to unwind it all - but I can't find it.


There are just so many things bothering me right now about this relationship and when I talked to mum last night just mentioning how he is a nice guy etc - she is like did he pay to go to the pictures with you ? And the petrol for your car for driving around everywhere (we went for long drives into towns) - but no he didn't / doesn't have the money. She told me to be careful.

And so you know- then I think of everything else that is disrespectful to me and also personally my needs and values in this relationship. And coming from a weak self esteem too.

Well I actually found my book now so I'm happy about that. This book gives me such good guidelines on how to live authentically and be happy. It's a woman's book and since I bought it in a whim many weeks ago - my life has turned upside down.

But this book helps me to find myself I guess. And although I like the guy I am with at the moment of right now , today I just feel a lot of negativity to him because I feel like my values have been trod on.

For instance he smokes in my car and it never occurred to him not to ? And then the other night he was going to smoke some ice in front of me regardless of me telling him no and that I may leave. And it's just little things too - things that can tell me that he blatant and selfish - that conversations go back to him and his ego I guess. It's like I'm trying to find my worth to him - stripping away the fact that I am company and I've got money and I'm female and kind etc., and I guess, he is off with his mates today doing band stuff and prob some drugs too idk. But he hasn't bothered to message me / but at the same time I don't really want him to anyway.

I guess I just feel in bdd land for one today and that my personal goals in health and beauty have gone astray from spending time with him I guess.

I really don't feel good about myself today - I feel like a rag doll - like I've over exhausted myself.
I guess women do that tho - I went over there on the days I had worked - I was so exhausted and at times I thought for what? Because I think things through, I'm curtious and plan what I'm taking with me what we are going to do or could do - take a present with me - things like that - yet he is rude a lot and in his own world I guess. I just feel unappreciated and talking to another woman on Friday she told me to loosen up being like that and get back into my own goals and values and things and be more assertive and see what happens. To have my own space and go back quite a bit.
On Friday night I was so exahausted I felt wobbly in my body and blank in my mind. We were messaging each other on fbwhilst I was running around trying to find all my gear to take over at the same time as talk with him (which is fun). There was a moment tho when before all this he just said that he didn't want to talk for a bit and wanted to do something else instead. I wrote 'fine' .
And ignored him for longer. And because of that he goes onto my page on fb and actually looks at my stuff and comments on it for once.
See that's the thing - he even thinks he may be narcissistic - I don't think he is - just that he has obsessions with himself and can be quite brute and insincere at times and not at others.

But with me, I need my space - it's hard to wind down right now. I had my juice and have been in bed - the effects of being around cigarette smoke from him are now detoxing and I don't feel so good. I still feel exhausted - up all Friday night. I like to feel good physically - and today I feel so low - not to mention my bdd and nightmares I'm having.

But this time to unwind - to then get to a mind state and physicality where I can know where I am and totally relax and get on track to be in my goals.

I don't want him to interfere with that.

 

[grapevine]

Idk today I felt ver very wobbly - completely and utterly exhausted. I've taken some maca in some soy milk - I've eaten a lot of food - I've juiced - drank a bit of water - taken liquid minerals .. Had lots of rest and journaled a little - tried to get out my emotions but it's not happening yet.

I just feel emotionally exhausted as well as physically. I guess I feel like I don't want to see rugs when I feel like I'm not on par with myself - not that he'd notice but that I otherwise feel s bit like I'm sacrificing myself I guess - my health,

Like I don't want to keep feeling like I'm scrambling to get my health together and my self esteem all in one day because I'm going to see him - and then I'm in that mode where I'm neglecting myself - no I want to make it right and make that time for myself. Ile I had said before we were going out. That I wouldn't sacrifice my own things for somebody else.

I guess I just have awhile bundle of emotions I have to figure out and it's all very taxing right now. I mean th gd I've avoided for so long are now in my life and I'm trying to be low key about it. Relationships are difficult because I have to take responsibility for what I am getting from that person and be able to be brave enough to be assertive and be on my guard in case I'm too much etc.
At the moment I'm confused because I feel like he's just not really into me and no feelings yet he kinda is abc then I feel all this pressure to have to change the way I look in order for him to like me more and it's just - it still makes me feel confused and hurt and question why he is with me. My self esteem I that department hurts from my past and now another guy telling me I'm not good enough I guess.
But I want to dress more feminine I'm just confused - I think why is he with me if I'm not on his oops radar idk. Am I just easy and he thinks he is old and cannot get anyone else or something kind that . I just want to be able to look and feel really pretty and demons in my own way kinda like in highschool and I would love to just have s moment where he falls for me as tho he sees me beautiful and pretty like he'd isn't notice prop before . Idk - it's lie he has did preferences in faces to me if what pretty is I guess. It's just confusing and a lot of pressure. I'm gonna have to tell him I will do it only if he won't smoke in my car perhaps. Then I will do it.
I'm working on myself and my health once again but lately I haven't had the time,

 

[grapevine]

Well things have been okay. I feel quite overwhelmed now. It's like my insecurities I had with rugs are now fading away and I can trust him sincerely with myself - only its myself like today with bdd that I have to deal with and good thing I'm alone for that.

I try to keep it at bay. But I changed my hair and it makes me dread the mirror and people and get ocd feelings to change it again which I might just do.

But quite a number of times now rugs has had deep conversations with me about himself and things - granted I'm going out with someone that has a mental illness that makes him a bit of a sociopath and want to talk about himself - but I like to liste and understand and realise that he is being authentic with me and honest that and also it's good to know that he knows he is doing it also good to know what is in his head.

He is having deep feelings for me I feel. But he is hard to read because he like to deal with his other things in his life where he is obsessed with Facebook and people stalking him and changing their profile pictures. Whether he thinks he is not obsessed - it's 90% of what he talks about often and how he feels he can dominate by blocking people. I'm sure there are people doing as he has mentioned because I was one of them that got upset about his page not that long ago - he doesn't have women on there anymore , but he still has many selfies of himself like 8000 lol. But that's his thing and he has explained it all to me.

He is so loyal and last night after sleeping with him I told him that one thing was missing - I realise that I have to voice myself to him - that he forgets things - one track mind kinda - and he was concerned and said what .. That i love you , and I don't know if he meant that or just mentioned it - but I said - no - that he didn't kiss me -- and he jumps on the bandwagon and starts kissing me - realising that he had been concentrating on pleasing me for over 2 hours but forgetting the kissing and sensuality part. But he knows now.

I guess my bdd today tho - is quite bad . And I've been tired and in bed had a big sleep.

I just want to feel good about myself and I'm not - my hair and face are getting to me because of changes - and I feel exhausted too. I had a shower this morning and at one point I felt very faint like and dizzy and sick in the stomach and actually had to get out and lay on the bathroom floor. In the back of my mind I keep thinking that I could become pregnant. Because even though it's been new to me and now something I am actually for the first time in my life feeling comfortable and enjoying - something I never thought would ever happen - well there have been times as crude as this sounds- when the Condon has fallen off and I'm not sure if I could have gotten stuff on me. So just for my comfort I think I will test knowing that likely nothing - been so hungry too but it's stress I think.
I don't know - I feel like he sees me as the one - I'm in his very close family circle now - hangout with his sister talking about our private mental health traumas the 3 of us.. I'm known like family to his parents now a sim the gtlfriend. I feel so welcomed and I know that like rugs says about other people - how if they want to be his friend that they have to work hard at it to be let in. He talks like that all the time about friends that have been mean to hmb and stuff. But it makes me think I'm in his heart kinda thing - even though it's hard sometimes to see because he is consumed by his social frustrations. But he is never talking badly of me.

I guess tho - I may decide to not see him till Friday this week as I've been so tired and exausted. And really not having it together with my bdd today - I have to deal with that.
I am having trouble with finding anything I need in my room - I don't know where I am half the time because I just keep going over to his place lol

I find it so weird tho how I used to view him and want him in my life and then the point I got to where I didn't care anymore and if he asked me over (as afriend) I would go but I just didn't like not feeling attractive around him. Yet the next thing I get is him asking me out.

It's been 4 weeks I think now. He says he builds on relationships with people- ours is def building.

At the same time I quietly go thru my insecurities and if I need to voice them I will. I believe that I do not need him- that I can love myself and my goals and stuff and I can love him but I am not going to be consumed I guess -

 

[grapevine]

Yeah so its like - I just feel like this bdd is really engraving me right now. I went to the supermarket this afternoon in the midst of a freezing cold winter - and walking into the bright lights of a supermarket when you have bdd - makes you feel off.

I cant see that person I want to see. My good self today at all and I havent for some time and its extremely hard to feel wanted by another person when your like this.

its just my face and hair I am having issues with. I emailed this place about filler in my cheeks because it is a huge thing I have with my image of myself- I jsut want a tiny amount to lift my cheeksa little that is it- because I feel like I look so drained all the time. And my hair- I put highlights in there and then that went a rusty look so I put natural brown temporary dye in and it turned orangey brown- looks okay but a little too much for me. I jsut want to look my best and feel my best and the way to do that is by all the things I had done before but better I guess.

As there was a time when I felt whole-heartedly beautiful last year. And that was when I was wearing clothes I thought I would never wear. Singlets in summer - omg. For me that was big- but I felt feminine and I ultra looked after myself, nurtured myself.

I guess atm I feel like I am on the high- where I feel kinda eager all the time to leave my own life and go join rugs and what he is up to- do things together. Where as what I need I guess is to allow that space and time for myself - to wind down and relax and get out of this stress and work towards nurturing myself again.

tomorrow I see my therapist for the first time since Ive been going out with Rugs. I dont know what she will say- it will be uncomfortable because she didnt think he was right for me and the last time we spoke she reccommended a book about obsessive crushes on people etc.. which I did read, but I knew why I was like I was tho and it was personal anyway.


Anyway, I will be doing my dream board/pin board tomorrow. I am having deep feelings about my future in spring and summer this year. I believe, I feel like I can be my best self and it can all come together for me perhaps idk. I just have a vision of where I want to be and how I want to feel. Its quite personal. That I want to feel alive in my body like I did many years ago when I was younger. I want to completely change the way I dress a bit too now- in spring and summer because I feel like I am shedding my insecurities and being a bit more open with my body perhaps. And the styles that I like - that I can maybe express myself without holding back perhaps. I mean styling myself through my values and who I am- I am a vegan , I love nature and fitness and health, and self development, and try to practice buddhism scripts, .. I love byron bay even tho Ive never been there.
Im thinking of something boho- kinda - of me finally stepping out and not being afraid to hold back in how I dress. I guess I never realised that I was still doing it. Ive gone from safety clothes to better fashion clothes but not to clothes that let me be my true self idk- this sounds odd maybe..?

But I would like to wear more revealing stuff and be in a mindset of even better then I am now of being much better with my body I guess. Wearing a dress, wearing singlets and shorts and skirts .. having my hair down - being happy with how I look- somehow finding a contentness and happiness- that who I am and my body I guess is my value too.

So this spring I just really really want to be there and by doing my pinboard really helps so much. I guess I am at the stage now where its like I am so eager to do this. Im not going to let my relationship get im my way of it- same with rugs and his guitar playing and stuff.

I feel my complete best when I am fit. I mean I am quite skinny now and nothing I eat puts on weight for me anymore- other than perhaps some skinny fat and that is what I want to work on because I know I can feel much better. Its not about how I look its the feeling I can have of being strong and fit I guess. I guess also there is an incentive to oneday be with my bf and he notices my body is tighter lol

But this bdd today is not nice. I just wish that I could walk into a supermarket and be able to not care about the glass door reflections and the bright lights and the beliefs in my mind of not being right.

Like the other day, at the supermarket I bumped into an old lady from there and she was talking to me and then mentioned that I was skinny like a rake reffering to herself in comparision or whatever.. but when I mentioned rugs a bit - my bf she didnt even say anything and I took that as offensive like maybe she thinks Im not good enough for him or something idk.. I saw myself as very unappealing and ugly and thought that she must think that -

and I get to my sag face thing that I am so self conscious about. That is why I think that if I get a filler in my cheeks - a small amount it will help me if it went right. I need to make another appointment as they didnt get back to me.

I just want to be on top of my health and in my best self I guess. And I will strive for that and hopefully thru the dips, have some blessing moments I guess.

 

[grapevine]

I guess I am just going to get the wrong answers - its only been 2-3 weeks already since we started this relationship- its been full on. But my concerns are that he just seems so concerned with his own world to really fully see me. He is in his own consumed world where things seem (i say seem because I cannot tell) just obsessive of himself and blind towards me often.

And also not into me- like not loving towards me like I want, like in those films and tv - being attracted and all that. But then it is kinda. I dont know- when he says sex is fun idk. I guess I have so many insecurities and my intuition seems on confusion and bad points.

Its jut I hate it that I can be fully present online for him and make that effort to be- and yet when he gets to actually talking to me its all about him and the minute I mention my own stuff - its like Im off to get a coffee or I want a break for a bit..
and talking to him in person too- its the same - all about him.


Everything that I want I guess I just have to let go of and do what I was doing before he came my way and that was my own thing.With him still in it, just.

I guess tonight after messaging him. And we were chatting about - I brought it up about how I didnt want to be in a relationship if its just because he thinks its either me or him being lonely because that is not fair. you know - I listed alot of reasons why I wouldnt want to be in a relationship for and reasons why I would.

But he just skims me often. He tells me to chill out and go with the flow. He said that being sexually attracted to me was a bonus.. ?? I just dont get that?

What I want is what most girls want and I just cannot read that in him - not at the moment anyway. I want a guy to of seeked me out because he was attracted to me in the first place- he kinda used to at work - he told me that he always kinda liked me

but then now he tells me that he likes women with blonde hair and tattoos and that those women were awful to him so he would never date them again and that he likes me. But you know- that is why I said that I dont want to be here because he has a fear of women he is attracted to like that.

I want him to ooh at me- not at some blonde on tv or what ever you know. I wore jeans yesterday and he thought that I looked really good in them- like it was what ever.. anyways.. I guess I just feel like I am trapped - guys hate women that are insecure and question them, that are clingy and all that - I get that-

He just even by passes when I said I had feelings. So I dont know- he has feelings but Idk. I dont want to be second best, to be there just because he is lonely and likes me - .. I want him to be into me I guess.

He said he likes me because I like him. What - is this just pyschopathic : /

Everything is majority all about him. So for now, Im going to retain from going over there this week perhaps. Just get that distane and get into my own things again.


I am just going to leave it be I guess. And jsut do my own stuff for a while.

 

[grapevine]

Well I have no idea where half of my things are in my room anymore. Alot of my responsibilities are beyond me lately. My brain is not functioning in a way to actually be productive in being organised and up to date with my affairs and tidiness and actually knowing where things are. But I soooo need it to be.

Im always over his place th or messaging him at my place and putting everything on the behind. When I actually have time for myself - I mean I can request and tell that I want time for myself but I much enjoy time with him- but when I am on my own I am either totally tired or have no idea where anything is and what I used to do.. if that makes sense.

I need a whole week to clean and sort things out.