Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

Keep having times when Im kind of okay. Then go have a sleep in after work and then, wake up feeling completely overwhelmingly heart-broken and depressed and like I just cannot face the awake right now. And the silent noise or white noise that happens too.

I know why I feel this way. I cant hide around it. Because it is there and I have to face it and it hurts like hell. I have to put my foot in before I go off on some other wild clasping straws binge to try and change myself once again. And ruin myself in the process.

 

[grapevine]

I keep saying it and trying almost all the way to do it- to let it go- to let the idea of it even, just flow into the universe. To raise my hands and say to the universe- that I give up, I give in and go with the flow.

But the thing is, life -its not that easy. This is a feeling that I feel is just about always going to be there in some form or another. And it is going to continue, I am sure - to make me feel so self conscious about my identity and my looks and everything in between because I just want to be accepted - more than that; I want to be loved. Because I feel that in me when I am around him and it hurts a lot.

Imagine if I went up and told him how I felt. That would be so upsetting. I just hate this so much. I just want to hibernate for some time until I get to like myself again. Its funny that when you change your appearance a bit and really start to not like it, and your vision of yourself can completely go into a negative light everytime you look in the mirror. Its funny how when you feel that way, that other people seem to reflect that from you as if they see it too. And it can make it even worse.

But right now I am so sick and tired of falling for someone that for some reason doesnt want to be around me any more. And will never ask me out again, and who probably was just lonely then anyway, and who I am not his type anyway and who sticks loads of attractive women on his page online - like I can compare with that. I am sick of feeling so like nothing lately. I feel like I have to re-group and conjure back some self esteem once again. Because I just hate it so much. I cant live well when I feel so ugly and bland about myself. When I feel so insecure and clutching on tiny tiny straws at the moment just to feel okay about myself for the day- that is no way to live.

I just hate that I fall inlove with some guy, and it changes me to this.

 

[grapevine]

Felt alot better after a huge cry ot in bed yesterday afternoon. After some time of letting it all out once again, then I happen to see some old photos of myself when I was 11 or so - and it reminded me of my value- inside and my hopes for myself back then, and who I am. And after listening to some Jessie J, ~ I felt a surge of positive energy- of unconditional love for myself- and I just had to stay up until 2 or so that night- because I so wanted to feel that stuff. And when I woke up this morning - it was there- it was full on there - still the positive energy like a surge of confidence of that I was better than or more than what I feel those around me perhaps would like me to be. I mean Im not going to conform. Im okay as I am. And what was really cool, is that I made the effort to wear just some man's shirt at work today- tucked in my tights lol. Because that is me, its whats on the inside that counts. And its trendy look anyway.

Its just - what gets me feeling so depressed all the time is just trying to work with the emotional triggers from work and they can last so long. Its like I am or was or have been clasping at straws- wanting so desperately to be wanted to be around and its just - disappointing. Even though there is logic there, even though I do not adhere to those women that he thinks are beautiful - I mean women that look trashy with tattoos all over their bodies, blondes, and with those trashy looking nails. I just hate it - Im not that and I dont want to be- so why do I have to still have feelings for this guy- a guy that is not emotionally available, a guy that is not my type, a guy that is only interested in his own things and a guy that is not interested in me. Why do I still, have to have these feelings- why have I let it stir up my whole being?
Its just - I can get to a point where I am fine with myself- and then I go to work and then just the sight of his car or his presence gives me this ball of feelings in my stomach - sometimes its been so intense- after the end of the day. My therapist says its because of things I want that he has himself- and I think that is security and sense of belonging idk.
But, this feeling is so upsetting- its a feeling where its so smotionally frustrating- where I just want him like me like I like him- and I keep thinking it will happen but it wont and I know what I am dealing with and I need to stop it but stopping hope completely makes me majorly depressed. I guess I just want to hold on and keep riding these waves until there is a time when I can just not have them affect me much.

But the thing is - I jst get very confused as to where he stands with me and anyone would. I dont know if he is a friend even. I mean, maybe he is just a colleague? Because although he has schizophrenia, you just dont invite someone over like that and then nothing for over 2 months. Thats not what you do. And you dont kind of flirt with that person at work at times either and then just not be interested anymore. Because that kind of behaviour can make that person think that there is something wrong with her. And then, the minute I take some time off work, and its like Ive been gone for much longer- and then its following me on fb now. So I just dont get it, I dont get him- there are things about him that tell me he is not into me and then things that I dont know- confuse me.

So because this just makes me feel so heartbroken and un-worthy all the time- a constant thing where it can become intense because of my hermit history and social phobia and stuff- I am wanting to see what happens when I limit my time at work from now on, my time that I volounteer rather than the paid work - so that means only being there for 4 hours and not longer and not coming in on the weekends. Which means basically not seeing him at all- not having my presence around- I think I can get away somehow with not seeing him at work if he doesnt come into see me and others - because he has been depressed & apathetic lately he hardly ever comes in to where I am anymore. So I hope that I will not see him for weeks and weeks - plus I am just not going to put stuff on fb either in that time either.

Because I feel like my value isnt much. And I want to my own value to be seen I guess- I dont want to give it away for free to someone following me on fb when they havent exactly been respectful to me- even if they cant help it or realise it. So I want my own healing- and refreshment from this continual stream of emotions. I want a break from it. He will always be there- but I just cant at the moment. And I want to know if at all he values me and recognises that- that he might let me know somehow- as a friend I mean or a colleague- because I know that there has been something there- but he just cant deal with it what ever it is- but its not right. Its not fair. And Im just saying no to it. I want respect. You just cant be like that towards a person- because look its making me reflect isnt it.

Anyway, so I go back to work at the end of next week, lets see how that goes- lets see myself dodging him- and hiding out and then leaving well before the time I usually go home. Because I usually go home when the shop closes at the end of the day- I usually stay well beyond my paid four hours a day- when no one else does. And that makes me angry that I didnt get paid last week because I wasnt there but let my boss know before hand and that I would make up for it. That sux but I havent mentioned it though. But anyway, so yeah- Im going to keep to myself and find my value - like Ive found it again last night- but I need that time away from this guy at work- because when I see him- it just conjures up insecurity in me that says I am not attractive and not valued enough by him- and that makes me feel bad about myself. So the time I spend away from him and less of work and even less on fb- the more time I can just keep conjuring my value and get back into drawing or something. The more I can feel special and in my own world. Feel more stable. And after 3 or so weeks- then I might start to add more hours again- because there are lots of things I enjoy at work and dont get at home. And in that time, after that time- I would like to know what his reaction might be. Maybe it will stabolise - for me it might. In any case it will be like a tonic and I might keep going with it, to basically force myself to enjoy things other than there- and get excited outside of work and out side - away from him.
Because there was a time when there was no way I would even of thought about kissing him- I thought he was repulsive actually lol. Its funny how people grow on you. Mind you, in that time I remember watching 90210 - the modern one. And fell inlove with Naveed.. and whats her name (Jessica?)- and I just remember not even giving the guy at work a second thought- that I would ever be into him. You know. And that is where I want to be. I know that there will always be a feeling or feelings for him inside me- but I also know that I can use those feelings to something else in my life. And if ever he decides to decide what I am to him- then I will be stable enough and stronger enough to deal with it. To be bigger than it. Kind of like in 90210 with Naveed when he broke up with her and then she went off became a famous singer lol- there was a point where all that energy she had from the breakup went into her work and she got better- and brighter and bigger than what she was. I want to aspire to something like that - passionate and bigger and better than work and him. I want to be able to walk into work and not have that be my passion anymore- I want to be able to leave work with passion again- expand my life into something I havent even thought of yet. Because things - surprises do happen- last year was the best year in my life in over many many years - I never would have thought the changes I have made and that I would have met an been social with people - never. Anyway, the point is that things do happen. Good things, things that you never thought would ever come your way - and how reluctant I was to even start and say yes to what has opened up my life. lol

Anyway. To changes. To a more passionate and me, where I give up 'him' and I give up 'work' a little to get into something way better- and what is really cool - is that when I put my mind to something- like because last year I told some people at work particualy 'him' that I was going to loose weight because I didn't like being that big anymore and wanted to feel better for spring and summer - and because I told that - I did it - and didnt even have to work hard for it. So - I told him today that I was thinking of doing a graphic novel.. lol But my drawing skills have gone down somewhat.
Anyway, I will be doing things- and I will write about them soon. When I get some aspirations.

 

[grapevine]

So its all got to me once again, I feel so depressed and so insecure and anxious, so in a bad spot that I just cannot calm myself out of this. To feel so horrible and so so insecure in your own skin and your own life- its not nice at all.

I just dont want to go out anymore once again. I just feel like I dont want to be seen or known yet I feel so longing and lonely to want to feel what I felt last year. But everything is so painful right now. Im so not well, and I am hating work and just cant face the guy that I have hada crush on because it makes me feel so much more insecure about myself- and everyone else at work- they make me ( not literally but in my space) make me feel ugly and non-worthy.

How can I of come from such a high last year then to this. And just when the seasons are changing - I love autumn weather its so romantic to me and refreshing. I dont know what to do - how to change back to feeling confident again. Do I write out all my insecurities and try to tackle them head on if I can? Because I think that is something that would at least give me hope. But alot of them are body image things. I just hate how its come ti this - its like a really terrifying dread that keeps appearing and is real. I hate how men can make you feel so little about the way you look- like as a woman you have to have alot of pressure on you. I just dont want to know. I dont want to be here. And I hate everything right now in my life- I am not that person I was when I so happy last year. There are things that have changed and nothing seems to make them better right now.

 

[grapevine]

I mean I live in this romantic small dream world- I always have - that has always been my coping thing- to get away from the world - for years as a hermit- my strength came from closing myself in- keeping to myself, yet giving myself to my animals and my parents and being creative. My self esteem has never been great- but I always had inside me a strong sense of hope and value with the things in my life. I mean I was so into gardening and my animals for so long.

Ive been so long without even thinking about men. Not since 2007- and that took a long time to get over. But I am over it. And then comes last year - just a hint of a guy showing affection and I completely change myself - I loose a lot of weight, I start to get interested in how I dress- I start to care about myself because a guy it seemed cared about me, was nice to me and wanted to get to know me- even though I was overweight.
Its like it made changes in my hormones or something- like a background anxiety of wanting to like myself better too. Wanting to concentrate on those things- my insecurities- especially body insecurities.

And now, almost a year later. And I am like this. Ive lost so much weight without trying. When I look in the mirror- I kind of dislike myself- I see myself as too thin and my face too long- and then another week - Im a little chubby. But the worst part is a little bit of loose skin that I concentrate on - esp on boobs and my face.

I hate walking and seeing my reflection at work in the windows- I dont like what I see and makes me feel bad about myself. Because I am so insecure. Im not used to being around people- I think- if I am seeing that in myself- someone ugly then - they must see that too.

And that hurts. And inside- I haven't been the person I was last year. I have been so stressed out- I don't even feed my animals anymore- mum does that. My dog I get so irritated by because he follows me all the time. Even the library where I would usually check online everyday to see if my movies had come in- I have missed quite a few holds to pick up- quite a lot and I cant even sit with my parents to watch films much anymore. I was a film buff- Id watch all the new releases.

And all the things I would do for my parents. That would make me happy. Now I just dont like to be around them. I do things- but its not the same. I just am not happy to calm down around them and sit and do things- I guess it feels like I am resorting to being old and not living anymore again- I dont know- its the feeling of not being independent I guess.
And I feel like my mum and most other people I know do not see me as attractive- like they see me as ugly - sort of - and that makes me not want to be around them. Especially at work.

I am so tired too. I keep forgetting things. I am not present. I am not up do date with all my affairs. I go miss doctors appointments, leave letterbox keys at the post office, don't bother to cash my work checks, forget so many things- and leave huge messes where ever I go.

I feel like I need to have a huge break from putting so much pressure on myself to adhere to some image I had of myself that is clearly not there. I need to relax and get out of this feeling of being so ugly and unimportant and I know that part of that is to get away and not see that guy from work. Because he can trigger it- its not that he does anything- its just that I have such high insecurities and so much bulging emotions just from him that I cant deal with it anymore. I don't know whether to change my days or to just not stay too long. There are good and bad in both decisions.

But I want to re-new myself somehow. Mentally and physically. I want to be well. I want to be able to walk through those doors at work at some point in the near future and have that guy at work there and be over him and these insecurities. And I think that probably only comes now from not being around him for ages.
Because I thought that - in the past - if I did stay away that it could make me miss him and think of him more, so I have not changed my days and let myself try to et over him whilst he has been there- but it hasn't worked.
So I think that is what I might need to do. Have a months break from working around him. It does suck though, because I like those days I work- it works out for me- and I like the people I work with and yes I will miss them and including him. But I think I am continually robbing myself when I am around him.

So I did sparsely mention it to my boss- about changing my days for 4 weeks or more. I made up some lie about doing some course or something. But although it will be disappointing because I always get a thrill when I know he is there- like a comfort but also a trigger.

I just need to forget and get my life back together. I know 4 weeks isn't much- but its a lot when you are usually around a crush 4 days a week. I think I am really craving having this break from him and others I guess. Its like I am valuing myself more in a way.

So when I go back to those days- I hope I can look beyond and over this crush- that I will be able to see things from a distance and be able to renew myself and my life into a much better perspective.

Hell, I might even make it 5 or 6 weeks. And the thing is that I will not be working on weekends either. Which is when I usually see him too. So I will be concentrating on my own stuff like my eBay business I have put on hold for ages and organising my life and maybe even getting creative with drawing again. Also, just trying my best to relax and find that self love I had last year. Try to get my body image into a better perspective, a better light and tackle those insecurities.

It will be weird when after that time I return to my old days. I think it will be a lot better for me because I will see the other people I work with and reunite. And I will be renewed.

 

[grapevine]

Not well at all. Just not well.
Physically and mentally. Im not myself and I feel like I am just so ill.

Ive lost so much weight and it seems to keep going down. And I hate it. My sister today said I looked like I needed to eat something, that I looked anorexic. People keep telling me that I look thinner every time I see them. And I dont want to.

When Ive been so depressed lately, its a bit hard to eat. Its hard to do anything but try to sleep. Because in the anxiety, its like a complete whirlwind.

I just hate it. I dont want to be this thin and its embarrassing. I want to be the picture of health and I want to be happy again. I was so those 2 things not that long ago, and now -

..now I want to believe in myself that things can get better. That I can get away from feeling these very deep body image insecurities and body changes and trying to deal with social stuff and my identity.

Last year, it was so much better and I feel like I ruined it. I wish I never dyed my hair because that was the start of my whirlwind of bdd- of ruining my health. Of getting caught up in the ocd of it all. And the worst thing is that I knew it was a trigger, but the temptation was so great because I thought that a change could mean that I might be seen as attractive of all things. Now I am in such insecure times. Half my hair has fallen out, and Im looking very thin. I dont want to be like this and it hurts. My emotions are all over the place and high in BDD.

I am so tired and what I hate is I love this time of year. Autumn is so romantic. But not when you hate you body and feel so insecure about yourself that your just holding onto strings to get by. And what I hate too, is that in a some weeks time, we are having the whole family over for easter. And they havent seen me since I lost weight. But now, I mean look at me, Im not looking like the picture of health here. Its going to be hard because I cannot take judge right now because I am not stable. But everything in me wants to be stable again.

The thing is, that I did get over this bdd and insecurity stuff- and it always comes up when I get very social and especially comes up if there is a guy around that I might like. My reactions to the past of these things has been to concentrate on other things and close my mind to anything to do with guys or beauty and stuff. For some time. And the thing is too, is that it meant internalising that I was not right with myself and not caring and being completely closed in and un-confident and staying away from the world. And I dont want that either.

Pema Chodron always talks about leaning in and feeling the pain and being present in it. Ive wanted to run away from it- Ive wanting to not be seen at work, to work another day so that people I have gotten to know wont see me anymore. And that is what I did in highschool. I remember feeling so insecure with my body because of what had happened - and wanted to take time off so that I could like myself and be stable again- and guess what happened? I ended up in a lifetime of social phobia and hermit living.

So, I guess that I will decide tomorrow. That I might change my days or not. I probably wont. But I think I will leave early from now and not hang around much. Keep myself scarce. And im not going in on weekends either.

One thing I am a bit apprehensive about and completely would want to run away if it is the case- is that last weekend I worked and was with this older lady- and we were talking about depression and stuff and I she asked what was wrong and I said - just boy problems (at the time) and then she mentioned that I liked (the crush) which had been told to her by me ages ago. And then we had a discussion about it - and I remember telling her that please do not say anything and did not look at me in the eyes then. And today, 'he' was working with her and they have known each other for years. I just hope she hasn't said anything- because I would be so embarrassed and hurt by that. So going in tomorrow, on top of everything else is going to be apprehensive and hurtful. Because I remember that this lady I think told him last time - sometime last year because he came in one day completely over the top flirting with me. So I just dont want to be confronted by him tomorrow- either way- I just cant take it.

I feel like a hollow shell. Like a walking skeleton. I want to feel strong and healthy and robust - those things I felt when I wasn't like this!

 

[grapevine]

So i made a soup tonight and I ate some peanut butter cookies too. These things, I mean I have been raw vegan for about 6 months. Ive made myself some soup in that time when I needed it - but I havent had any flour- type normal (but vegan) cookies in ages.

I feel like my whole body needs some more variety and some type of grain/s and cooked food- so I made this huge soup stew thing- with so much nutrients - I put seaweed- dulse and wakame, black strap molasis, variety of lentils, barley, onions, brewers yeast, tumeric, brown rice vermacelli, leek etc..
and it tasted really good. Its so rich in nutrients- I think I might even make it a staple of mine - like a big broth. It certainly calmed me down and made me feel relaxed.

So I know that right now I am not well BUT am taking steps to get better. And I just have to ride these bad times with an open (but wounded heart) from not liking myself. I am aware of just how sensitive I am around my insecurities right now- where I want nothing to do with anything about women/looks/romance- nothing at all- because I feel so unattractive and so insecure right now- more than I have since I started this journal- more 10 times more.

So its like a huge bruise on me. And I know that when I am at work, that the people I work with dont see me as attractive either- and so it can be a very reactive place for me- reactive as in I feel like my value is very little- and I feel like I want to change every part of myself to fit in- to be 'gorgeous' or other things- like I mean, just be something of value in their eyes idk.

But above all- it really hurts. And yet, I must remember that I need to get back to my roots - my beliefs and actions that are me and no-one else's.

I made a list for myself today about my uniqueness at work compared to everyone there. And Im not saying that they are not unique either- Im just saying that my specialness- that I need to see and acknowledge in these tough times when I feel so different there.

I might write it here later. But anyway, I am concentrating on doing what is best for me at the moment. The quicker i can do this- and I have already started- the quicker I can start to see results in me. I really want to come out of myself again, and be able to tae care of my animals again with pleasure and happiness and not have to have mum do it anymore.

So above everything - I want to be present with myself and that happy person again- because I was happy- I had dips but I had a baseline- which now has seemed to of vanished.

I want to be the healthy person- I know so well that nutrition plays such a huge role in this and that is why I listened to my body and made my soup. Why I have wrote a plan to exercise in the morning for 15- 25 minutes to get that oxygen to my brain and stress out, why I am taking natural sleeping and relaxing tablets at night and have a hot water bottle with me for comfort. Why I have a plan, a goal of where I want to be in a month, and 2 months and 3 months. What I want to be feeling like, looking like in my overall health and wellbeing of myself.

One thing I know is that I am def limiting my time at work. For time for myself. Because that is something that has been so out of balance for me.

The amount of stuff that your mind wanders into. Where things - thoughts and feelings and things you see in the mirror - feel like concrete. That they define you and are what or worse of what others see of you.

I am preparing myself for tomorrow- when your not well and not present- I dont know- Im not ready for any harshness anyway. But I must be open for anything nice too -even if I dont like myself.

 

[grapevine]

So I am living in really really really really really really bad times. I never thought I would do it, but I have just written to my boss saying that I am unwell and made a white lie about going to some mental health course for my health so that I dont have to work on the days the guy that I have been all stupid about is around. The thing is I found out he works now on another day too- which I just want to know what days he is not in so I dont have to be around him. Because I feel so insecure and so depressed right now- I dont want to be seen, I dont want to be judged and I just cant go through these emotions right now. He ignored me like he has been lately - because I have been doing it- I am not someone to be around at the moment. The worst thing today is this gross fat cross dresser guy that works with me- I wouldnt say work though because he just follows me around all the time - and its the last thing that I want to be around is a womaniser too. I dont want to know about women he thinks are gorgeous and stuff. I am sick of all of that stuff. And I am sick of the crush guy - he is so up himself- and he knows it. Its not healthy to follow girls on the internet just because you like the way they look- like people that are ordinary but happened to appeal - people that are live in the city- young people who go to uni. Like and then follow me too.
Anyway. Im not feeling any self esteem or love for myself lately. And its been really really hard, so hard just to gt up in the morning and to do just about anything- but a disaster at work- its like everything has completely changed- that I am not in control of myself anymore- that feeling like youve walked in with your pjs on and get a shock and everyone sees you. Everything is not right.
I was the person brimming with enthusiasm and motivation and friendliness, but most importantly my identity was based on my health and being bright and happy and energetic and everything- now I am jsut run down, sad and confused and in terror of myself.

So I am having time off- I am not volounteering anymore. I am only working when I get paid. And I am in all my power not going to see or hear him for 6 weeks at least- and for up to 3 - 4 months at best. Because I think that gives me reason to take a sit back and see things in perspective and how not great he is. To see myself and re-value myself. Because in that time I will be doing everything to get my health back to something better. To be the healthiest Ive ever been in mind, spirit and body. And I have things that I know will help me.

I want to return to working back on those days after that period though because it works out for me- and I think it will be worth it to see that person as he is after that time and nothing more. To look above and beyond it. And that will be healthy- plus - I one lady I work with I will miss her.

But today was the last day- I hope that I can find out when he doesnt work- I really just cant work around someone when you feel like this and it has completely run you down.

So although I am sad- I need to be strong and know that this is just a bad time- and look forward to intensely having a break from it and from overdoing it all- and have the end result in my minds eye - of time to honor myself and re-find myself. To do it my way with deep motivation and belief that I can get better - re-vitalise myself.

I get motivated -

 

[grapevine]

So I am happy that I told my boss via message about how I wanted to change my days. But I was very specific in asking her a question of who works on what days.. and also that I would like to return to my old days later on. None of those questions she answered at all. She does those things all the time- is very insensitive.

Like this morning - I had an old lady I work with who likes to wrap up lucky dips for the children and they have always been out the front of the shop- but now- the boss does not let that happen and so they are dumped out the back for kids to just come and rip with or not even know they are there. So this lady thought about getting me to make some signs for the dips- (boys sign and girls sign) and stuff- to which I did - laminated with Ben and Holly's little kingdom pictures and stars and stuff- looked really appealing to a child- but this morning I thought Id better just let the boss know what we were up to in that- not that it should really matter- but I showed her what I had made and her response was to not do boys and girls and just make it uni-sex- and she says this whilst I show her what I had made- a boys and a girls sign- that took me an hour or so. So I said back to her - that no- it needs to be boys and girls because this old lady had worked hard on wrapping them all like that - and I had worked hard on these signs. And i just walked off- to no offence.
She just really gets on my nerves because she can be so slow to even understand basic things- and yet the minute you mention anything about her- its all about her--- she will talk to you for ages thinking that you are all into her world.. but she just is not into anyone elses- she rules the shop with disaster decisions.

Anyway, enough of her. I am happy that I hopefull am taking a break from you know who. I just really even now in my pre- limiting phase am seeing things that I dont like. That are kind of worrying and really dis-heartening from him. Because he follows me on fb- so I go on his page - where his last name is as a model- something like that- and all that he has on there are no friends but all the women he follows- but does not know- just likes the way they look- about 8 women or more- mostly all blondes with black eyebows and aces of makeup and kind of grungy and of course me. And his posts are pictures of him with people like avril levene (?) cut out and placed next to him- in his favourite photos of himself. He is so high in a dream world of egotistical magnitude- and the things he posts are women, and weird stuff- to maintain his ego and hoping these girls might look at his pictures. And its funny he is on a diet now lol. So he is just way into his egomaniac phase right now- and at first I was hurt and disappointed to see all these blondes with their stupid over makeup duck faces- that are so face - along with bleached hair. I mean these are girls in their early 20s- for god sake- he is in his early 30s- and not a teenager anymore.

So anyway, because he follows me on fb- I have started to post and like photos of men I have liked like the guys from the modern 90210 and stuff- lol- great big photos of model type guys- just for his own medicine! lol Because us girls - the things we have to deal with every single day- that men are just judge you on your appearance and every other woman. On your face and on your hair colour and your body. Well, Ive had enough of it- why dont they just judge themselves instead!

Anyway- hopefully I can get away from him and work when he is not there for months. Also Im not going in this weekend. Heehee- he works on the weekends. Well nobody is taking me for granted anymore- I wont be in- even though he and those whom work on weekends may think I am. Nope, I am doing my own things and not resorting to be dealing with their stuff. After all I am not getting paid to be in on weekends anyway. lol
And I actually love that I am doing my own thing- whilst he has to work there - haha- and he will notice that I am not there too- because I wont be helping - I wont be that person anymore not for anyone- I need to be a better person to myself right now. And it has felt- even though I enjoyed it- has felt like I have been used and taken for granted.

So I am having time to take care of myself and relax and do things outside of work- because I thought that there was something there- that I was valued and a friend to people - but instead I have felt like taken for granted. And I have also, these whole 2 months- thought - oh because this guy asked me out then, and I though hey are we friends? And then, nothing- like you just don't do that- not when you work with that person- go out once and that is it? Like wait every week to be asked out again. As a friend because that person was such fun to be around. Nope- nothing. It made me sick, it made me question myself, it made me want to change my hair, everything about myself, made me feel like I am nothing (especially when he would basically ignore me all the time and be blank- and not even enjoy being around me- not caring and just wanting to go home). I think I have made my point.
So I am going to take time out- and then come back to working days when he is around and be able to see him much more for who he really is. And in that time starting now, I will be taking very good care of myself and my own life and trying to build and see my own value in me and not what I feel has emptied and devalued me.
It will feel so much better- esp when I can go back to those days and just not even care he is there- that is my goal!

 

[grapevine]

So okay,

A few things. What I wanted to do, change my days at work- well I just didnt trust my boss in that so Im just sticking to my usual days. Except, and a big except.. well I didnt work this saturday, and Im not working on sunday either. Nope, no way. And this week - I left very early too. Yep, I did that.

But its mainly because I dont want to be seen and I just cant tolerate anyone at the moment. I need to find my own security by being in my insecurity - and its not nice.

And guess what? I think, I feel like I am finally getting over mr crush. Yep, it takes just going onto his facebook page the one that just has blonde women he follows and me he folllows- to see that he is not appealing. That is the biggest hugest turn off to women- to see some extreme devotion to a certain look of women- like they are objects- and then if you are like he is in some weird extreme mind space- where he probably thinks he is a model or something- where he makes photos of himself with them - and puts youtube videos of romoe and juliete and love hearts and stuff of blonde women. Its just really sad and I just dont know how to even process that- I mean he knows I can see it, so what the hell? I know he is not there and all those albums on there of selfies of himself - all most of them the same pictures but slightly different- and I am literally - the photo count of those selfies in each album is 1000 or over. Thats 1000 selfies of himself in each album- and he has about 4 albums.
I mean I know he is mentally ill- schizophrenia is just hard to even understand because it can be different per individual. But I thought and I felt stuff with him- and that is why I am now so disappointed - I thought he was better than all that. Because, he can be very charismatic and down to earth and he made me feel good about myself- even when I was ovreweight. He made me feel comfortable and secure with who I was- but now he makes me feel the complete opposite. And so, that is why i completely ignore him now- like very obviously. Not that guys even notice that anyway. He is a lost cause and so far up himself that there is nothing that I could ever do to bring him into sanity.
And I have, over the course of 5 months- completely ruined my health (and beauty for that matter) over personal emotional distress over him. Which I blame no one but myself for, well - I guess I have anger towards him for making me think things - making me think that he was into me- and then not and all that. For getting close and then letting me down - and all that. So I think I am jsut at this point, been in depression and deep disappointment over it all.

But that is okay, I guess I am proud of myself though, for letting go of that magnet now - you know- not going into work on the days I don't have to- which is what I would continue to do because he was there and because I liked it there. But now things are so changing- I am dropping off - learning not to be at work all the time. And its pretty hard - to find my life again- because all its been has been there- for a year almost now.

And the worst thing now is that I am distressed at my appearance so much - because I have basically over these past months- dragged myself through horrid depression and anxiety episodes that its all caught up with me.

I look like a skeleton, my face is all saggy, my hair very thin - half all fallen out- my skin in bad condition- everything just looks really really bad. And even worse than that- is the fact that the whole family will be coming over for easter- and this is something I dont want - not when I am like this. Why couldnt it of happened round christmas and new years when I felt on top of the world and felt I looked good?

So anyway, I am devoting this time to put that fork in the road. There are things that I can change and improve in me to make me feel comfortable with my appearance and my health and that is what I am doing. I am devoting my time to healing myself- including my mind too.

But its just - this great disappointment of that crush and all those thoughts and feelings I had- I just feel like I need to express it - because i thought that he was genuine and different - that he took people as they were and not based on looks and all that- but he is just a sick guy who likes to objectify women's values on how they look in order to push his ego- well at least he does it quietly.
Its just - he can seem so normal. I guess not only is it disappointing, but also hurtful as well because there is now - if I listen to those old feelings I had- they have changed now- because Im not those women he admires- Im nothing like them- I am me and I know now that he would never appreciate that- and that is what hurts I think- because I thought he did. But now I dont even appreciate myself. And that is worse. So to be away from him as much as I can is healthy for me.

I just right now, hate the way I look and feel such terror sometimes when I look in the mirror- like how did I get to this? I mean I feel like people see me as some anorexic or something - just because the stress - and the depression - I hadnt been eating properly and also absorbing my food in calories too - Ive had spin outs of ocd/bdd and everything has just gone to crap. When I look in the mirror I look absolutely terrible and so I jsut cant even cope with men and their objectification of women.
This is just really a hard time for me, because in the past - I have hidden myself for years and years- i have run away and sort comfort in my own world. But now i am working and there is social elements to that. And its tough because my identity is being shaped from that place- and that is another reason why i need to limit it.

So I am just going to drink a whole lot more juice in the mornings now and do some gentle exercise and eat better - manage my health and have my loving beauty routienes. So that in a month, in 2 months and in 3 months and so- I will look and feel a whole lot better in health and beauty than i do now. I think that is a good thing- and mentally I am working on finding myself again and my own value.
Long walks on the beach..

 

[Megaten]

Well damn...Im just now seeing this. Sorry for all that thats happened to you. I wouldnt have given that advice I did earlier had I known your history beforehand.

 

[grapevine]

Thats okay.

I just feel so overwhelmed. Because I realise how much of a crazy person this guy actually is- literally. And to think I have had all that time and emotions for him - and to be completely shocked and hurt to see the extent of his obsessions with blonde women and himself and his ego.

Completely way over the top- it just really hurts. I had so much energy and stuff in it all. It hurts because he was that guy - and that feeling that made me actually feel feminine.

Now he is just creepy and very hurtful. Hurtful in a way that can completely errode my sense of value and positive body image. And I am so completely depressed and spun out. In a seriously bad way. I mean I have to work with this guy- who just by looking at him- makes me feel bad about myself now- and makes me feel insecure and uncomfortable. And yet the yearning I had - of that he was different. That he could be nice. Im just avoiding him at every opportunity.

I guess I am just so shocked. He is very delusional and obsessed, completely obsessed with blonde women with a certain look. Its just not healthy and I feel so compelled to if he is around me- to actually put my voice out and tell him what I think of it- because it also makes me feel really angry too because it objectifys women. But above all- iI just feel like nothing- like there is nothing in my life right now anymore- Im so deep in depression and yet I am trying so hard to get some ground.

Everything is not well.

 

[Megaten]

I would say try to not take his rejection of you too much to heart. He's not the last male alive, so at the end of the day you're not losing a great deal by him being obsessed with blonde models. Nor will every one you meet be similar.

 

[grapevine]

Thanks Megaten

Its just I am going through such heavy body dysmorphia at the moment - Ive lost so much weight when I havent wanted to- and I people are telling me I need to eat or that I look anorexic and stuff- and I havent really done anything to want to loose this weight other than stress and depression- when you lay in bed and are too sad to eat stuff- but you do eat your meals - just not snacks I guess. And when you loose weight your muscles start to eat away too- so I just look really gaunt I guess and my face looks long too - and these things are binding my social phobia now- and him- well he is the tip of the iceberg. Ive mourned what I thought of him- and clearly he is something that I dont want any part of.
But him and the culture at work - where blondes are in- made me in a bdd fit this afternon get a bottle of bleach and apply a little to my hair- like- I'll show them.. etc - its so stupid. Not that it has made much diference to others but to me - a change in how I look screams uncomfortable and ugly and complete anxiety. I need to diffuse all this stuff-

The thing is too- is that for 9 years I avoided men- and avoided all that stuff about how you look- because of bdd. Yet I had a hermit life because my self esteem was so damaged from the abuse of a guy in my early 20s. I mean, I jsut remember things- I dont really remember much anymore- but lately - things like when I was in bed with him- and he touched my butt and made me compare his to mine and tell me it was awful because I was so skinny and boney- and then I remember my response to that in saying that Paris Hilton was skinny and his response was - yeah but she is pretty.. (and there were so so so many things like that at the time - that by the time I went home after months living with him- I nearly comitted suicide).

So that is why this guy now - the guy I have had a crush on for ages- when he took an interest in me - even being overweight- I thought I was for once okay as I am- and I felt good in myself- like a lifting feeling away from the past- that I could actually work on myself now- and become feminine. But, it has all turned out in disaster as he now makes me feel like the past is back. And its very hard to try to not get into these bdd and body image insecurities. Its really hard to not feel so ashamed of yourself because of the way you look-

I mean, as a vegan- part of my identity at work was to show everyone that being that way is healthy and stuff. Ive been vegan since I was 14- and Im 33 now. But I was overweight and I lost weight by turning raw vegan- where I would indulge in high fat salads and beans and have juice and fruits. But I guess I just have had so much distress that I know look so boney- and its a very scary feeling when on your past you have been anorexic. And the way people can be towards you. Its not nice. And even though I have been eating and not at all wanted to be skinny like this- its really getting to me- I just dont understand why Ive come to loosing this much- I look so run down and shrunken and I hate it- its not the picture of health I wanted and I am deeply ashamed of myself.
I guess I just need to eat more calories. Ive started eating cooked foods again- but I know that I need to start to put on more muscle too and that takes time.

But right now my main concern is that I bleached the top of my hair - not the first time Ive done that- in a bdd frenzy- and now I look in that mirror and do not like what I see.

I go in this round about- spun-out bdd thing - where its always about my hair. I got very sick a few weeks ago from dying my hair and getting shocks when I looked in the mirror- I first put some bleach on my hair- and then I got a shock in the day when I looked in the mirror - because it looked all orange and brassy- and completely changed the way I look- so I went and got brown dye and put that on - and it went red- and the circle went on - where I washed my hair to get that dye out and then put blue and green stuff in my hair to counteract the brass. And by the end I basically ruined not only my hair - but I was deeply ill and spun out and had to force myself to stop because otherwise I would of kept trying to do something else.

And then, I am just getting over that and then tonight I go and bleach my hair again. And now with this deep anxiety about it - and hating my body too. I have a plan to go to the chemist tomorrow and get some brown rinse that is not a dye - I dont know.

I am just not in a good place and am finding it all very very hard right now. Its is so not nice to be so insecure about your body like this and especially when there are people around you that judge you on it.

 

[grapevine]

Its night time now. Watched a film with my parents marigold hotel 2. Ive calmed myself down from yesterday. But these days- its depression and anxiety so high its very painful and hard to tolerate!

Ive spent this whole sat/sun/mon crying my eyes out and sleeping most of the days- struggling to eat much and everytime I actually get out and do stuff- become very sensitive to things and just end up with such emotions of shock and no ground- of deep sadness and pain- that I have to take myself back to bed and cry and cry again- and then try to calm the storm to nurture and try to feel better. Its quite hard.

But I do get glimpses in my mind of making things better- its just work that I dont have the energy for- because these emotions knock you back so hard.

I never ever thought it would be this bad. That I would from all the highs last year, that come this year and I am this ill. That I would be living in a hell that is like a choppy rowboat in a storm at sea- its like sometimes I get to the eye of the storm and can see through to hope and security and then its gone again. Its like that.

At this point I guess Im not really sure of what I am so depressed about- I kind of know, but I feel its much more engrained than I think.

I think its mostly to do with my identity and just wanting to be accepted with affection. And the fact that I can be such a people pleaser.

I have had so many insecurties about myself because of past abuse- it just feels like its being all thrown back at me- that realities of the past are here to haunt me. That is what it feels like- like I am never anything special or good enough- that kind of thing. I know its stupid to think that- but when its being thrown at you like that- its hard to not see your own value.

 

[grapevine]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmHcDWrMH-8
I like this song because it gets me to feel those ill feelings- get them out and not feel alone too.

 

[grapevine]

I know I am such silly right now. I just have these compulsions to do the silliest things. Always to do with my hair. This BDD - its so extreme right now. So last night I thought- year lets get a bottle of bleach and put some on my hair to make it lighter. I mean, first off - wth you know- and so I do that- and it lightens my hair a bit and then tonight I get edgy about it and get this 8 wash rinse I have used before in chocolate - and put that on. And guess what? I did exactly the same thing weeks ago and weeks ago before that- hence my hair is in really bad condition. Now I have very brassy red hair and it looks terrible- so my plan in anxiety is to go and try to wash it out tomorrow. The other plan is to use some green food dye as a last resort. I mean what am I doing to myself and my health.

I hate this. I was not like this months ago : (

I dont know, I think I will just do something to tone it down a bit - I do have a day in hair rinse thing.

I need to just be able to stop doing stuff to my hair. Its made me really ill. I think I need to put it on my pinboard - to just relax when I get the urge and to just live with it.

But its hard.

I guess its not that big a difference to people. But the condition of my hair is not like it was in its virgin state months ago. I wish I had that back because I loved it and the feel of it.

I just dont like red tones in my hair.Anyway, I cant really tell in this light anyway. I just know that I will probably get an attack come the morning.

So much distress. I just need to give in and forget- but idk.

 

[grapevine]

So its 3:30 in the night time and I didnt realise how late I have been up. But I wanted to post this doco here that tonight has made me feel a whole lot better about myself and comfortable when before I was feeling the complete opposite- I thought I was hideous and everything hurt.

I realise now from watching this, that the guy I had a crush on- his own schizo fantasies about himself and all these blonde women- the large amount of pictures he sources out resembling women with blonde hair and dark eyebrows and tattoos and stuff- and those duck face poses- --- okay- so that is a definate trigger for me. He is trying to re-create some girl that rejected him a long time ago- the one that he said was the most best looking girl ever - something like that - and that was how he somehow ended up in a pysch ward with schizo because he followed her and stuff. And he jsut goes on about it nearly everytime I have been around him in the past.
And i suppose also being around him too now- because of that. Because he has unrealistic things about what beauty is in a woman- and same goes for alot of the other men at work. So they are basically all a trigger for me- to make me feel so unworthy and ugly in myself. Its not surprising bdd has come back with avengence.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHRuk4GbaM0

I guess that one of the worst things is that I was in a really good space in my mental well being reguarding the mirror and my body image for 3-4 months- and that was something I hadnt experienced in probably never. But the worst thing, is that I let some guy drag me down and make me feel like I was not okay. And now everytime I work with him that will be a trigger. Plus other people I work with too- even a few ladies make me feel like that- because I can be so sensitive.

So anyway, anytime I get these attacks- I think I will listen or watch this doco- because it really calmed me.

 

[grapevine]

Well one thing about not going to work that often now- but when going to work- that it can in some way diffuse the anxiety and things are felt in reality and not in your head.

But this bdd that has re-surfaced - Ive had to really be so mindful at work and just let myself calm down. Its funny because now its very hard to look in the mirror at work except for the bathroom. But I guess there are things in my mind- you know when you link up thoughts and memories to try to make a fact- what our brains naturally do- well I have doing that to myself - Im not going to get all cbt - but the thing is that I look back at just before new years eve- and I remember this guy telling me once again about this girl that I dont think he even really got to know- many years ago and how good looking she was- and asked me to try to think of someone this looking I have ever seen- so anyway and that is why he cant get over her or something- I that just sticks out at me now- because that was a day I had specifically dressed nice and pushed my boundaries in that and felt amazing in my confidence.

And yet there was him basically insulting me without realising, looking at me in the face and telling me these things. So now, because I had been on his facebook page and he posts all these pictures of blonde women with a certain look constantly- the whole thing just makes me feel tired and overwhelmed at how much someone can be so un-well like that- and potentually very hurtful to someone like me with such insecurity. And it gets me so very mentally tired too- when he can be so friendly and grounded and down to earth- at work- talking to all sorts of people and very accepting - you just would'nt know that really he is deeply in some elaborate world of his own where he has a facebook page of himself as though he was a model and follows these blonde women who all look the same. I dont look like that so why does he have to follow me for? It just really annoys me. Because it makes me hang on to rejection - even from a crazy person like him. I only liked him because he was so open and grounded and friendly and caring- but then I realise he was actually *nuts* inside and its so very unfair too- to all women to have guys drool over photo-shoped and over make-uped duck face photos of women- and they actually believe that these women look like that in real life- and they are searching for these women whom no one else compares. That is how I feel when I am around him, it is just one of the reasons why I try to really keep my distance now because I know my triggers. But to have someone completely brainwashed into some stereo type of women - they dont even see the beauty in the natural woman. Its so stupid. And everytime I have to be near him- that is what pops up that i know that he does not see me as attractive - that my face is not like those women. And it shouldnt bother me- and to some extent it doesnt- its actually calming- but the parts that do get to me is that he made me feel like I worthy and then as though he threw that away because I was not good enough to some ideal face that he has in his mind. And I feel like everyone thinks that way too- just from things at work- so at work- even if I feel good about myself- inside and out- I feel like it will never been seen to them and I that should be okay.

At least I have felt calm and taken it slow today.

 

[grapevine]

I am aware of how egotistic I have been mentally lately- but I just auto-write - an to get the nerve to actually read back what is going through my mind makes it that much richer in reflection.

I am just so mentally tired. I had a day at work where I am fighting back old emotional patterns. Something my doctor did tell me would be hard because the social environment there. And it is hard. When there is an element where someone is friendly and caring and fun- but you have to acknowledge the part where that person may seem normal and genuine and flirty- that in fact that person's inner dialogue is something that would make me run for the hills in insecurity about being a woman and not stacking up basically. That a person can be so deep into objectifying women like that on a constant basis online. Its so conflicting to me because he is not like that in person. And today I had my lunch and he had to be there. It just completely tires me out and I am lost for words around him - I just cant be bothered.