Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

Havent written in here in a few days or more.

I have been trying my upmost to be really conscious and mindful of what I have been thinking and feeling. And to me that had worked quite well for quite a few days.

But today I am wanting to indulge!

So I have been listening to lots of audio books by Pema Chodron ~ which are quite long but she is really helpful in letting myself see some compassion in what I am feeling- but the most important thing I have learnt from her right now is that when I am feeling afraid ~~ to stick with it .... to learn to have compassion, to breathe and to be mindful (not absorb but see) - and as raw as it sounds - it has been good.

Esp being mindful with her teachings by my memory- I have been able to go to work this past week and feel almost like a blank canvas in my mind. To not absorb the things that go by in my mind that create suffering for me and others.

Ive also been on Youtube - where one guy talks about social phobia basically caring too much about how your self image is going to be destroyed by others - its something that you want to control - the way others perceive you. So then - there is that saying again 'just dont care what other people think'. But that can be really hard sometimes- esp around people that make you so self conscious.

For me that is still this guy at work. (and I will for all the life of me indulge in that a bit later!!!) So the way to not care what other people think of you?? I just cant do that, and the wording of it is wrong to me. I mean I have read that most people are too concerned with themselves anyway that they dont really even notice you- and that can be a comfort. What I have read is that either you completely strip your identity ( which I thought was a little extreme)- or base your identity on your values (which would mean that you give yourself flexible unconditional love) - so its not entirely ego- its what you strongly stand for in your life- and for me I feel its made me have to search for this and Ive started to really see who I am - esp looking back on things- like on Facebook posts over the years and things like that - I can easily see over all these years what my values are still- and also new values that I want to adopt- that being loyal and friendly and giving etc.

So about this guy at work!
What is it that I am so fanatical about him. I mean, I am happy to say that I am not completely in tears after work anymore- I mean I still have this depressed feeling come and feel edgy and alone when I get home- and I still get all excited to see him in the morning and work out what I am going to wear the night before- and make sure I have cared for myself. And I know that I am setting myself up for dissapointment, but it is getting easier.

I just see him like this pandoras box. He is like a tiny glimpse into the attractive values of the person from my last relationship. He is like a magnet in my mind because of this - and because he is a challenge to try to really befriend and it bugs me so much. In my last relationship I was never really accepted- and so working with this guy, I want to be accepted by him. And the thing is- its funny- I am accepted by him. He has had quite a a lot of times where he has come up to me and talked, chatted , times when he plays around - so what I think in my head that I am invisable to him is not true.

Its just what really, really nags me- is me! So I know that he has schizophrenia - I know that he has times when he will be sitting there behind that serving desk and be in a grandiose state or non emotional state. And I know that every single time I walk past him or talk to him that I will care so much, too much about what he thinks of me because I (upsettingly and embarrassingly) want him to be attracted to me- to be romantic and all those things on some level- because I never got that in my past and I am attracted to him.

Okay- so then in I look at my values. One of them which has always been compassion. So I look into this person and try to see that he has said to me on many occasions that he is not good in relationships. I have seen things that I love about him though-
-like opening the door for me a lot of times when I am leaving- being very sincere to everyone, being open and vunerable to people about his mental illness and admitting in non-negative ways his limitations from that, and also being very friendly on a daily basis to everyone- bringing people together and being a really good listener to them ( like the old people) and thriving on that. He also has very good social skills - for someone with that illness.

Having said that ( and why am I writing all about him anyway?? Because this is my diary shutup lol)

..there are things I also dont really like about him too- some things even scare me or make me feel really insecure and also really confused.

Like- how he is really really into horror films (the gory ones), how he's into women with lots of tattoos on their body, how he listens to Taylor Swift and other blonde pop stars I am sure because of the way they look, how he says he has a bit of a psychopathic streak to him and is proud of it, how he can take loads of photos of himself and be grandiose- high in ego sometimes and how he can be really apathetic some days too and seem lazy and unhelpful.

So that is that. You cannot change a person. For myself -who (although starting to not be as huge as it was-) still has a lot of emotions and thoughts that get triggered when ever I see this guy and also if I actively think of him too, I am going to at least act in compassion about this scenario.

I have a friend who has a brother with schizophrenia and she says he can be hard to get emotions out of also - its the medication.

Anyway, I need to see what I can get out of this scenario. I mean, frustratingly it actually gives me comfort to know that Im pretty sure he will be there at work for quite a long while. So, I know I can work on what ever it is really is that is yet to show its head at me around this guy. And I know that this is nothing to do with him really, I mean from his side- I cannot get upset at him or angry at him for things that are going through my mind and heart- he is just being himself. I think in alot of ways this is a blessing for me- I mean one thing- it has made me loose 20 kg this year and made me want to look after the way I care for myself- and I have gone through big changes in that direction. And now it is making me want to explore learning all about communication, conversation skills, being charismatic, pushing myself to want to do other things and learning how to cope with these challenges -

Although I do feel un-eased and a little upset, sad and disappointed in myself and the situation and expectations I desire- I know that all I have is now- and that person does not hate me. I can feel proud that I have been able to pull this apart and see out of the delusions of this person- and really see my attraction towards him- and un-attraction.

I can also feel proud because I can say that I have a heart and know that I can perhaps come to a time where my own desires from him may dissolve into something different and much better and healthy.


So, I want to write about the social struggle I have with him now. So I can go work through the shop and talk to men a bit now, but yet I have SEVERE problems with talking to him.

And that is what I have struggles with- where I have felt confused and like a failure- because I have walked into the shop with the intention to befriend him for that day- to diffuse any tension and it just has not happened. So there is always this silence between us - majority of the time- whether he is aware or not I dont know. But it get really awkard alot, for me anyway. And I listen and read Oshi stuff too and something he said spoke to me the other night " If you dont want to be rejected, then stop rejecting". And I thought about my social anxiety and how esp around him it makes me act.

You know, walking past and everything feeling so self conscious, and running away etc.

Then I also have heard Pema Chodron talk about how rejection is not being rejected anyway.

So this week although it has been good. I have struggled with not feeling good enough- those poky insecurities. So it feels really ugly to write about and really insecure too - but its something I want to decipher:

and that is for me- for so long I have not looked after my appearance much- that is until now. So I used to be quite overweight- but I was okay. But now I have lost all that weight and dress so different. I look so different. I make an effort every morning to look really nice and sometimes even I will (embarrassing) even flaunt it in the mirror and really think I look really pretty like a model and get excited getting dressed. But I never receive any compliments that I look nice or pretty or even beautiful. I just get 'youve lost alot of weight' or my mum will tell me my skin looks really nice. But I know I shouldnt feel insecure but it would be nice to have a compliment. I feel like I am plain jane because of that. Like those compliments are dodging around - that maybe I am not pretty - or majority of people's views of what that is. And I know its about your presence not your looks- but I guess in the past when I was a teen I had so many compliments and boys going after me and then in my 20s I had that abuse- emotional abuse that tore my self esteem down to nothing. I guess I just feel rejection easy- on my ideals.

Its confusing when you see yourself as pretty and that isnt perhaps how others see you. Either way, I guess I feel happy when I look after myself anyway.

 

[grapevine]

New year in 3 weeks. Cant believe how much my life has changed in a year. To where I am now is a full on improved person. I feel I am just starting to embark on even more changes in the new year. I am delving into alot of self work - and part of that is that I recognise the social things that I have problems with now even though my confidence has improved - I really really need to get my heart into getting out and joining something where I can feel similar feeling like at work- feel comfortable around people. I think if I can find another place, and particuarly where there are guys (because Im pretty sure my social phobia has been more gender based) and something I can find passionate about and let my creativity run wild- and find people to hang out with and gain new experiences- I think that would make me feel alot less desperate for attention and emotional connection from people- less lonely.

I know men are different to women in many respects and in others quite the same- Ive been reading quite alot of things - and its humorous to think what goes in my head and my emotions/beliefs about a person just from trivial things. But I guess the main thing that I want out of that person is a connection/friendship and someone I can be myself around and to feel accepted. Thats it. I dont want to hold a belief that this person will heal all my problems because it does feel that way in high times - but the reality is it would never do that. So I jsut want to be my true self and get into something fun to do and share with people.

 

[grapevine]

So I did 2 things yesterday that were right out of my comfort zone- and then rewarded myself.

So I drove all the way into the main city- which is an hour and a half drive. I live in a country town, and to go into the city I usually drive an hour into the closest suburb that has a large shopping centre. But this time I had to grit my teeth and drive all the way into the big city- not knowing where the roads were taking me basically and having to also concentrate on the huge amount of traffic Im not used to much- not to mention the traffic lights to ( Im used to only 1 traffic light at home- so when ever I drive into the city I have to make a conscious effort to look out for the lights!)

So I drove into the city because my reward was to see OPRAH- on stage!!!!! And that was amazing!! I which I hada transcript though because I really was listening to her advice. Then I had to drive all the way back home- which meant I got back at about 1:00 at night.

So today I went to work on the week end- even though it was really hot, I was really tired and yet I just felt I was on a roll I needed to be doing something. But I still -

I still am really really really annoyed with myself - yet constantly have to turn that into compassion for myself. Because no matter what I do- Im not exactly relaxed in myself- Im not relaxed being with myself- I am anxious. I feel like everyone - majority of people around me can just relax and be themselves at home- but personally- I cant and havent been able to for sometime.

What I really hate is the reasons behind this. I feel so silly/stupid but I guess I am human and I have a past and present that is perhaps makes it easy for me to magnify these things.

You see every time I go to do something - like right out new goals or go out somewhere - or even when Im at home feeling lonely but want to be alone* - all I seem to think about is a certain someone from work and that is where it gets depressing. I mean I read back in this journal and see the majority of it is about this- and yet there isnt even anything there its just my hamster wheel in my head.

But I just feel so inadequate and insecure about myself when I think about him too. Its like this pit of the stomach not good enough- that Im not girly enough- that im not caring, fun to be around, that I have really bad social skills, that Im not nice, that I just cant connect, that Im too different because of the way I eat (v), .... and I base these things on what I am going to wear- how I am going to be myself on those days he is in- and try to make it a special day for me to feel good about myself- then if he is not there on that day- I tell myself that he doesnt care if when I there or not - he doesnt like me etc.. and all the bad things that I can attacth to that - I get really upset. And its like right now, like today I went to work and he was not in this weekend- and its like - jsut so disappointing. Its so unhealthy. And yet there I was at work when I didnt need to be and over working- with no help or care from the boss - which was needed. I just feel so used by people and not important- and rejected and it makes me want to go in my shell- but then I get the courage and compassion in myself to go the other way- and listen actively to others and be myself- but its like I just dont have the self backing - the feeling of that I belong somewhere - I just feel that Im invisable- and that is probably the worst to feel when your trying your best to be social.

But about this certain someone-
I just want him to like me really bad- because its like he just cant be with me like he is with other people. Its like I get ignored- and its hard to talk to him proactively too. But I do do those things.

But I just dont know how to snap out of it. Well, the only things that has worked is being mindful and not absorbing thinking about him. The worst thing is getting really upset when he isnt in those days. It jsut sounds so desperate and creepy and there is something that just wont let go it this crush and I hate it. Because I would rather have a crush on myself so that I could then see myself value better.

Its just so powerful because I literally melt at times when Im having fun with him - even though its fleeting. And in those moments though- its funny because sometimes I just see him as a friend and nothing more- I guess that is what I hate- we have similarities and yet opposite things about us- and when there has time to get to know each other- I know that he could be a really good friend to have fun with- I just know it- and yet it cuts off- its like hes not really interested in being my friend i dont know? I think its because of me and my poor social skills- or other things. But that is why its so awkward- I feel like I get rejected all the time- and like Oprah said what you put in comes back at you- its just difficult.

But I know I make a big deal out of all this- because I have been a hermit for years and because I have a had a particular phobia of men my age for a very, very long time. And also because he seems very social and loyal and it makes me feel shameful of myself because I have not been like that for a long time.

I also I guess have problems with who I am and being myself. I just want to be able to be strong in myself and be happy not lonely when Im home or out not just happy when Im at work and hes there. Its creepy.

 

[JohnB]

WOW, I pretty much read most of it, and I am very sorry for what that one guy put you through. That is very disturbing and should never have happened.

I also hope you make some connections with this guy at work and was one of the main reasons I kept reading hoping you would.

Anyway I do share some of the same issues you do with talking to people of the opposite sex. I have even been married for a long time and that doesn't seem to help to much either. It seems I am just scared, intimidated or just don't want to be judged. I do find it easier to talk to a younger girls up into early 20's as it feels I am talking to them more in a daughterly way.

Good luck not sure how much I could help but if you have any questions feel free to ask.

 

[grapevine]

WOW - you read most of that?! Very long!

Well I sympathise with you. I think its the frustration of not knowing when someone is flirting with you or not- because it can be very subtle. Even if they are just being normal- maybe you haven't had much experience with just being friends with women your age?
I mean, I grew up with an older sister - no brothers - but i have male cousins who even at a young age I would be very shy around because even then I thought they may be looking at me a certain way- or judging me- I guess I was brought up with all those romantic fairy tale books - back in the day - the ones that would make a little girl think that boys were on a pedastool and your value depended on how they thought you looked and acted. So I wasnt around boys much my whole life and my dad has never been emotionally close with. So I think those factors regardless of my abuse- make it a challenge for me.

But its awesome to be able to pin-point exactly what your fears maybe with these certain females. Because it can make it so much easier to try to tackle if its really getting in the way.

: )

 

[grapevine]

So, okay-

Been feeling a bit edgy these last few days. I guess because I haven't been at work since last Saturday and its Tuesday. Ive explored a little bit more why Im feeling so edgy and I think I can now answer that!

YAY .. hmm well, if I really think about it- and my mind doesn't want to go there - but just for a minute there is a main factor that had changed my life this year and that has been working.

Without work- I feel like I am the same person I was last year, the year before that and the year before that- and before that etc.. and that person was not who I am now. That person was very very sad, lonely and desperate- where her whole world was very very slow and very, very small. I hardly moved then, I mean , I must of spent most of my time in bed - trying to come up with ways I could improve my life but never wanting to take the leap- and never really having any contacts to encourage me. I was very over-weight- very low in self esteem, and was in a co-dependent relationship with my hearing impaired mum. I lived to take care of my parents and my animals over my own welfare.

But today, its different- this whole year has been what I have wanted in such a long time- to be able to be useful and in a place where I can so******e.

So why am I so edgy then? I think and feel it all the time- but especially when I have gone quite a while in between off days from work. Its because my environment at home is still the same. I mean, I have a whole lot of time that I feel I need to take up otherwise I could sink into my old ways again, unlikely I like to think- but its not a nice feeling because I know what it was like all those years. I try to make myself busy, but it still lingers.

But there is also another thing, that is making me feel edgy- and that is that I feel really uncomfortable with myself physically when I am at home and even when I am anywhere away from my life that resolves around work. It sounds crazy- but I guess I have created a new identity for myself there and physically have gone through a lot of changes from there too. Im not saying that Im not myself there- I just mean that work is the one place where I can be present with those changes- in my identity. Home is where I battle those changes I guess- battle to keep them. Im not that independent at home like I would want too. It just takes time to adjust - my home life to reflect where I want it to be.

Aghh. So these physical insecurities have been banging around in my hamster wheel these last few days. So one thing that I do- and probably other people do to - is this guy at work - the one I have a crush on but shouldn't- well he is really into Taylor Swift and blonde pop singers- he's basically into women that look like her. Its funny because I never really thought she was pretty in a way that I think is preetty, but I always thought she had great skin. But now because I get all jealous of women with blonde hair - and not to mention she is in my home town touring at the moment! It just makes me feel insecure about myself - but I just dont go there now because I recognise my own traits and style and just leave all that blonde silly talk to the silly fairies.. yep.

So I have been baking all day today. This is where I do the silliest thing. Everytime I am to go back to work I make it the biggest deal- for instance- I am slaving baking away all day making gingerbread and shortbread to bring to work- which is great because I enjoy it- but I am making too much of a deal to make my day going to work special.

Not only have I baked a whole load if xmas cookies that are all delicately decorated. But come tomorrow, (as the day after tomorrow is when I return to work), I will be working out, and then making and putting on a homemade body and face mask and hair mask etc.

The big deal is that I want to have a great day, and I want to feel different to what I was in the past - and doing those things helps me achieve that. And of course the obvious thing - that he should be there and I like to feel confident. It makes things easier.

About him, we have a new boss at work now- and she likes to hang around the counter most of the day- so that might mean that he may be hanging around me more than he has been. Which for quite some months he has seemed to be almost invisable to me.

But I hope that is the case because it means I get to test myself and maybe break down some barriers of mine. Im not talking about boundaries here, Im talking about fears, anxiety and communication issues.

I would love to get to be able to talk more and joke more, and most importantly for me- for the first time in ages- to just be myself. Like, that means - not to make things sound better or different from the truth just because I want him to see me a certain way- No I want to just be truthful and firm in my own values enough that I dont need him to justify my value. That is where I want to get to.

But - I just thought of this nasty thought that occasionally pops in my head. The thing that gets me- is that he is so very loyal to his friends and other people. Like as loyal as you can get. I over heard him ring up one of his friends the other week - to wish them a happy bday and he had said he wrote on their fb wall too but wanted to ring up to see how he was. Which I thought was something a good friend would do.

But the thing is - and here is where I get sad and frustrated - a few weeks ago it was my bday- and a woman I work with and my crush were having a conversation about starsigns and she mentioned my bday- and he asked when? And she said in a few days. It was like a conversation where I was standing there but invisable to them. Anyway, he never ever said happy bday to me. I mean he has his problems. Its just that - its like he almost doesn't want to know me or something, its like Im not a friend - if I were a friend he would want to get to know me more and be loyal and friendly to me. And that is where I think its my fault. That Ive said things - like I always seem to work with my earphones on- I have on quite a few occassions - not turned down my volume and mentioned that I had no idea what he was saying ( it would just come out) but how rude I have been- there are lots of moments were I have been like that- but in different ways - and also talked myself up- confusing confidence with arrogance and making things up. Oooh, I just read this paragraph back, and realised that it sounded very emotionally abusive to myself- like a dangerous my fault game where I feel Im not good enough and have to change- something that in my last relationship or whatever that was- left me with nothing left OF me! So I must be very careful tredding there.

I guess its hard because I feel that how ever fleeting it has been here and there- that I have made some connection - yet to him- its not worthy of a friendship- I dont know? Maybe he just feels insecure around me for all I know? And guys think differently to women anyway- their minds are on other things. So Im just going to try not to care so much about any of this.

 

[grapevine]

So okay, I had that wonderful day yesterday with him. I am pretty much convinced from that - that he was flirting with me- or trying to- I really think he likes me but I know that nothing will probably come out of that- and yeah- I guess I have learnt not to take it to heart much from now- and I can like someone for just being them I suppose.

Like today, he was very different. He was serving, so I hardly saw him- because I was busy, but to even have the courage to talk to him, well its that non-emotional state which I know is the medication thing. Its like he is dead to the world, tired and apathetic to some degree. Although he did at one stage today make me laugh. Its funny, because I am happy that I am really starting to see these patterns of his. I can only wait for him to come to me and in his own rights, I can go up to him sometimes and it can be good - but that seems to be rare because of my social skills- and anxiety- but its really awesome to be able to actually have him in a room with nobody else just to talk- its just that - it hasn't amounted to anything- not a friendship out of work which is what I would love to have. And I know he has a dark side to him- and I am very cautious, but he admits to that - and is very sincere, honest and human. Its just that he is round the same age as me and dealt with mental health issues his whole adult life too- and that is where I feel I can be someone to talk with and listen too and to some degree understand. I mean I dont know if he goes and tells other people about his past issues - relating to mental health and relationship that went wrong- but I would like to think that I am not just a collegue but a friend too that is there to help and understand you know and he can be a really good listener too.

Its just a luck of the draw what mood or stage he is in on the day that he will motivate himself to actually get to know me more. I will still try, but back away when I know he is not great. And, it does waver in the day too. But I am learning not to care so much about it all and try to base my happiness on other things like my own goals and stuff.

But I just cant help being attracted to him. And he really made an effort yesterday, to be close to me and do all the things I told him to do like carry boxes and stuff. He was like a magnet, and he was very sincere in telling me where he was going for a short while and when he would be back. And no matter what mood he is in, he will always open the door for me when I leave for the day.

I would love to be able to say he is a good friend, but I really want to have more time with him, but its up to him. And maybe he just cant, but I would like to be in a position someday soon, where we have a good day like yesterday more often where I can generally get know where he stands with me. I mean, why would he be like that, like a magnet to me and not like me? Anyway, he is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get on those days at work- but sometimes you get the best.

But I am know content, I get a little disappointed and little sad if I let myself think about it, but I really am not that affected by it now. Because I know its not about me. He has a series mental illness that comes in waves and has to take strong medication for it that dopes him out- so why would I think its about me??

Its just frustrating because he is in my dreams! Err.

 

[grapevine]

Well isnt it funny when your a lady going through pms with no symptoms at all except for feeling great physically the last week to now feeling like your mirrors need to be covered for the time being!

I guess its the stress this time of year, and there are so many people about of all walks of life. It sometimes feels like a human plague, which sounds mean but - you know it is true anyway- especially if you live in a tourist hotspot like i do!

I have made a goal for january and that is to start wearing shorts! See, I have covered myself up for so long and now I am beginning to get confidence in my body again and staring to feel comfortable with it - something I always wanted but never thought I would actually get to.But I have- and still going ! For the last 6 or less years every summer was a challenge for me, I felt so self conscious wearing just a t shirt that I would cover up in jumpers in the heat and cardigans- for years!

But now I have been wearing all sorts of tshirts and tops- apart from singlets thought- because Im not ready just yet for that. I think the main two reasons why I was too shy to take off my jumpers back then was because I was overweight and the other was that I made a big deal about it and felt sexual and unsafe. But since I started working and getting to know quite a few men/guys now and know they are not going to be a threat or judge me like that - I have been able to loose the weight and loose the fear- and its unbelievable in a change! I am very happy with my progress this year - I have come 360 really.

But I want to be able to wear singlets and shorts and skirts and push myself to do just that- just like my tshirts fears gone- I think I cant let these go too.
First, shorts and then I will tackle singlets.

Today I felt a little bit down though, because of hormones and because there are people that have great things about their appearances and wear shorts and stuff and look like they have never had those issues of physical insecurities before. But I am sure I am wrong there.

Somedays, especially when away from work- I feel a little misguided and insecure about myself. I think I just need to relax and sleep it off!

 

[grapevine]

Just feeling a bit exhausted today. Hormones I think I need some iron lol

But geez this time of year- i like to have consistency and I it always feels unsteady at the end of the year. It's like I feel like I've finally found my footing and then change comes along which is the rule of life anyway! You know I just want it to be March or April right now, normalcy that is what I feel like I want. But it's a great time of the year to be able to give and I liked the fact that I made a whole heap of cookies for everyone at empirical quite a few times it made me feel good. And today is an early Xmas day with my niece and nephew- they opened their presents and I'm just catching a break.

I'm not feeling great about myself right now - edgy - like I have to search again for that beauty inside me to feel good- but these last few days I am exhausted - I got sun burnt yesterday too.

I guess also - I am confused once again - from what happened last week at work - I can see he likes me, I know he has his own mental illness that can make him different all the time- but it makes it hard for me- because I know I like him, I don't know what exactly he is like out of work, I understand he has problems, but it makes me really frustrated in wanting to get closer but not being able to a lot of times either from my issues, his issues or just from work circumstances. I guess I am just going to go with the flow of it - but I just want to Make times count with him so that I really can try to understand who he is and whether he is really the person I like or the person I just want him to be.
Either way - all I know is that I want to get closer But I don't want it to be everything to me too.

 

[grapevine]

Everytime I write in here I get a little thought that haunts me a bit and that is that anyone I write about even though I dont personally mention anyone - I just have a fear that they may read and recognise things here - but then I think - well its alot to read and I doubt it anyway. Still it does haunt.

So today, I got a bit emotional- I let it - I actively seeked it out too- which I really could have done at home and not during work but I just wanted to feel stuff I guess.

So its once again the same all old story. You know that one that is all too familiar- when you put a lot of spirit and enthusiasm into your day- because you know there will be a certain someone there that will make the day feel so much better and evoke feelings in you that you thought would never happen again. Only to feel a bit like an idiot, a fool- just from little things - its just alot of longing and loneliness - which is not something I want - Ive had too much of that being a hermit for years.

So the little things. Well first I will say that its not that I expect anything from him. And I know he is not the same person that I probably visualise in my daydreams. Its funny because I just wonder if would even know the impact he has had on me just from this year. Because prior to the start of this year, I found it entirely, extremely uncomfortable and very hard to talk to any guy my age or younger. Its just he has been around and joked around and somehow has made me feel like I dont have to feel ashamed of myself anymore- and that I am not going to be ogled and judged and raped etc.. (I know it sounds silly but I think that was the extreme ends of my fears).

Its just that I feel like such a fool - although its a bit easier than before- its still there - these silly feelings. I mean I let myself delve and push out girly feelings today because he said he was going out to see his sister and would be back in an hour. Its really silly- because he was genuine in telling me that - and I think he had other things to do also- but so when he left I just felt like I needed to go for a drive to the beach and park and just indulge in these feelings- let go of those expectations I have - and I was gone for about half an hour until I went back- and he was already back. See what I do- I read too much into these things he does looking for clues- and its not healthy! You know, it can get awkward together, I loose my train of thought and memory around him a lot and usually loose things to talk about. I think it can sometimes just feel uncomfortable but we both want to be there I dont know. I cant possibly know if he would like to be my friend or not- like out of work and even perhaps more - but I guess its just not going to happen I dont know.

I just hate that I dont get him and how he thinks of me. I know he has his serious brain disorder of schizophrenia that could make him in a completely different world to what I am in.
Its just anguish when you like someone and they show signs they like you, but thats as far as it goes. I really want to get somewhere with this - but theres no way I am going to be direct and ask, theres also no way I am even going to remotely find out - because I know it will probably either make me confused more or upset more- or completely scared. Having said that, I cant live just for some crush- that is how you get yourself into your own abuse let alone anything more- and I know that- more than anything. I just feel like I get further away from feeling strong and feminine when I even think about getting a life outside of work.
Its really upsetting actually. And confusing and silly.

I mean for so, so long- I gave up on myself. As a female, I was someone who was in a tiny world who thought that I was never good enough for anyone- even a friendship with girls was a challenge because I was so insecure and never went out anyway. And you look at me now- someone who now has some confidence and is challenging so many fears. But at the same time dealing with dramatic change- I guess it is like an addiction- after an addiction - I was addicted to not being around anybody- always thinking I was never good enough- now I dont- but I feel like I have to live my life a little OCD like to get control from not going back I guess. And that control is centred around where it all started this year- the factor that has changed - working and the people I have met there- I feel like the guy I have a crush on - even though there may be upset there and disappointment- that he is like the rock there- or the symbol that kind of lets me see that I am way stronger that I thought I was-


But this time of the year - Ive got 2 weeks of only working for a few hours once a week because of the holidays. Its going to drive me crazy and I will be counting down the days really.
But for those whole weeks I guess I am going to work on my goals- and what has made me happy at the moment is the weight loss this year and looking after myself- it has given me so much confidence- but I want to take it even further and change things a little.

I wont write in detail here but basically I want to actually workout with weights and tone up and also go out in the sun and tan my legs for once- things like that-

I also - eat a little bit better too. I think it will be fun and easy.

I know my goals are all kind of - well may seem superficial - but Ive gone for about 9 years neglecting my appearance and body image really. For me to actually take care in those things and progress is something very important to me now.

So for the new year - I want to try and change my look even more. I want to start to wear my hair half down and let it grow longer and then do something Ive never done before and use a curling iron and things like that.

See I want to really reflect how I feel on the inside and that is that I feel quite girly. But I always wear my hair up in 2 parts and its always like that. I want to feel comfortable with it half down.

I know there is part of me thinking that if I change myself like this - or improve myself - that a certain someone will like me more- but that is not a something that I am going to believe. But what it will do though, my goals is help me feel even more confident and start to find who I am on the outside I guess.

Its funny, because I attempted to wear shorts this week. The last time I wore shorts was a very long time ago! Anyway, so I did the whole thing that women do- I did that sugar scrub, then shaved and then the next day put on a self tanner - and guess what? It turned out all dotty and orangey. So that is why I am going to sun my legs instead!

I want to feel beautiful- I can feel it inside and sometimes outside- but I know it helps when I take care of myself.

 

[grapevine]

Well I wrote stuff last night in here but it didnt save or something.

Err, same old story:

I like this guy, and I dont really know why,
he's on my mind all the time,
and yet when we are in the same place
between us there is nearly always a huge space

When Im right there, does he even like me, does he see me?
Those times when he's not behind the counter
and around me- I can see that he likes me,
acting so silly and not making sense
but awkwardly staying in my presence

and then sometimes, he opens up
and even more often can be a true gentlemen

But he has this illness that can make it hard to feel
and other things

And i dont know him other than work really
only from what he has told me

But he gives me deep feelings when we are close
and I wonder if ever he feels them too

But I dont want to know
because it will probably be not true

 

[grapevine]

Yeah, so last night I had a bit of a cry over something silly. My mum cant write well and use the internet well so she asked me to write a comment on my aunties facebook page about having a hotflush- and so I did. But then later on, I got a bit of an aggressive post on my wall from her that wasnt very nice. And so it made me cry. And I left it there for all to see too.
I mean it was mean, but subtly mean. It wasnt nice though.

So I decided to lay off Facebook for while. Id been using it as a way to not feel alone and also to help me develop who I think I am now. But I think I got carried away. I mean I would even think that perhaps my crush would go on there and I would care too much what I would put on there anyway because of that- its not healthy I guess.

And lets just say, that my page sort of stops with my auntie's post anyway. So I hope she sees that from that point Im not on there now. Not that I care- because I have been meaning to stop it anyway- because it has made me feel a bit sad - thinking that - never mind.


God what is wrong with me?? Why cant I just snap out of this emotional loop hole- I mean sure, mindfulness and meditation practice helps - but I also dont want to leave these feelings too.

All I can remember before feeling this way was in June/July or August- or even before that.. and I was really into my eBay shop - I remember being really passionate about it - and I remember I didnt spend much time at work- only the 4 hours I was required each day and I didnt work on weekends either. So I hardly saw him, but at that time he was chasing me. I remember because I was kind of new at the time - and I was 20 kg heavier - I weighed like 82 or then 75 or something- I was pretty chubby- but I do remember everytime I walked into the shop at work- he would aways be happy to see me and actually walk behind me half way to where I was going- it was a bit odd that was all I remember of it- and he would kind of say my name in a play on words way- lovey way back then too. I think I shrugged him off alot.
He doesnt do those things anymore much.

Its weird. My life did not revolve around him and when I was going to see him- but I think that may of happened to him when I first started - I dont know?

But I just remember being so excited to buying my half maniquins for my eBay shop and also hunting around op-shops finding bargains to sell. I wasnt completely into him- until I got the desire to want to loose weight and now I am here - Ive lost that weight and am at a healthy weight now- I dress better than did- and I dont know- I dont think he sees me like I used to- and I dont think its the way I look.

I guess I want to go back- to when I didnt care so much about him - and more about my own life and eBay and other things. But, at the same time I dont want to go back to my old depressing ways- when I would use junkfood to eat my feelings away- that is why I didnt need him- well its not that I need him now- its just that I feel like - hey look at me.. kind of thing- when I guess it doesnt work like that.

But I cant wait till autumn and winter comes next year. I just want it to be cosy and quiet again, not like this hot -summer holidays crazy going on now.

I am going to start up my eBay business again. I put it off since September because I was concentrating on my weightloss then. And then, later - I just havent felt I have had the mind for it - because I have been stressed out from these feelings . Because when you list stuff- its not like you just forget about it and move on- it involves alot of action and if your not all there- it can get crazy.

So I am going to get myself motivated to sell again- these holidays are going to get me back out of that mind frame that I need a man to be content- which is silly. I am going to put all my bargains I have found over months and months and list them in my shop and then what i am going to do is post that on facebook to show my aunty even- like take that..

So I will make it creative. Plus I am going to try and re-do my room to make it a little bit more private and cosy if I can.

I want it to be 2016 already- I want to change a little bit for next year. I will start to wear my hair half down- something I havent done in ages- I want to feel more girly and I may even put a tint in my hair . Its sounds superficial but I have avoided doing those things for a long time- so they mean something to me.

 

[grapevine]

Oh god,

I am going to work today for a few hours and have chosen to wear a sleeveless top!!!

I am so anxious it's really silly but the last time I wore a sleeveless top was when I was a child!

Start of this year I wouldn't even wear a tshirt without a cardigan or something and it had been that way for nearly a decade- so yes I am nervous but determined - butterflies ... I just think it's sexual or something I think that is my fear - but everyone around me old and fat young - they are wearing these tips with no thought - so why can't I..

I'll write when I come home - I am so anxious right now !!

 

[grapevine]

So come next year- at work Im going to stay away from his presence for quite some time. I think I need to.

I hate this. And yet I know that I cant expect anything from anyone. I need to tone it all right down and leave it be - but do it my way-

Its just that in the past relationship I was in - it was the same feelings and that is why it makes it so much harder- because back then I felt good about myself and yet I was rejected from day one.

Then for a decade I live as a hermit and put on lots of weight and feel sorry for myself- become a people pleaser- and then to now- for the first time in a long time - I am independent again and slim and feel attractive again - and yet rejected again-
even on appearance Im assuming.

I know my thoughts travel to wear I put them- and I will find evidence to support these negative things - but sometimes I feel like I have to dig really low to get things out my system.

Basically, this guy I would say that even if I were standing in my underwear he probably wouldnt care to much.

I hate feeling so lonely yet being rejected yet looking in the mirror and feeling proud of the way you look and am inside yet other people dont see that i dont know.

 

[grapevine]

I wanted to post this image of myself today to say that I did it - I actually wore a sleeveless top - something I thought I would never do - not even when I was a teenager.

- actually I edited this photo out because I thought people may re-cognise me - paranoid..

And even though I am not feeling great - I can look at this and know I've come so far: ) Because the start of this year I wouldnt even wear just a tshirt- I felt way too self conscious and now I am 20kg lighter too- with hardly any effort- I guess things now are just a bit uneasy because Im still going through changes. The next thing for me to do is wear shorts and then a skirt- those I wouldnt do either.

Blah, I feel the need to go out and be social- its like something I feel that I actually want to do right now. I mean I guess I thought when I started to actually take care of myself - my appearance a little and my weight that the confidence would make it easy for me to be social- and it has to some degree- I feel like I dont stand out as much- like I dont have all these inner restrictions on me - I am more approachable and open I guess. But it still doesnt make it easy though.

I know my goals for next year- one of them is to join something new- which is absolutely terrifying. I need to get my mind out of this crushing despair -because it hurts alot. I just feel emotionally exhausted. It reminds me of when I was abused 9 years ago now. I remember being told this and that- not good enough and there was one thing I remember doing when I got home- and that was that I thought that if I just changed my hair colour - to some specific shade- then he would like me... it was completely idiotic - but I was so naive and I had a bout of body dysmorphia at the time - I went all OCD over it- I went to 3 hair dresses back then- each time stripping my hair colour from the previous- and then I didnt like any of that and so decided to use supermarket brands- I must of used about 8 or so - and also a product that gets rid of the colours too. I mean - I was young and silly then- and I ended up getting a chemical scar on my forehead and feeling very dizzy and ill- because I did all that in the space of 4-5 days. I was very ill and in an abusive situation.

But today, its a little bit triggering. I mean I dont dye my hair anymore- not since. But the way he described his ex makes me feel so unattractive. Because I now know that nothing I do will make him think I am. I mean I dont know what he thinks of me anyway- but I need to get out of this feeling unworthy stuff. I mean there is not going to be a time when he will come up to me and say something nice about me- theres not going to be a time when he would be romantic. Its just not going to happen. And my social skills make me seem pretty boring anyway.

I just hate feeling so lonely and also so rejected. I keep pining for this guy and keep getting no where- and yet keep pining. I mean can he even tell? I just feel like Im not good enough to hang out with - which is silly. I feel like come next year- what should I do?

Should I avoid him- to make it easier for me- or should I be more friendly to try and see his faults more?

I think I want to avoid him and concentrate on my eBay business instead. Idk, I have to tell myself that even avoiding hi isnt going to make him like me like that too. Hes not going to miss me and all that- its not going to happen. I sound so desperate and I really think its so unnattractive.

I mean I want to celebrate having the courage this year to change myself and being more feminine. But this year coming - I need to change this loneliness feeling -whether that means meeting new people or falling inlove with another hobby- I just need to fill this heartbreak once again over a silly guy that isnt even into me.

 

[grapevine]

So I need to get out of this head space. Everything I am emotional about is really just 99 percent from these mental dreams I keep having about a person being whom I want them to be. But reality - is that all of that has been in my head- most of it. And there is more to things - its not about me when a person talks about their past like that. Yeah I feel disappointed and because he mentioned that she (ex) had a face like an angel - to me- that made me feel really really insecure about how I looked and how he must think I look and then I grabbed evidence to support that.

I just cant keep going like this. Ive practically lost myself. I mean also, not only that- so today also- Im sitting at our lunch table- and him sitting across from me - and yet I dont know what to talk about- and all that is talked about really is the time and when to go home. Its like - is it my fault. I mean sitting next to a guy that I dream about and get emotional over things he does trying to know if he likes me or not and yet nearly everytime we are together I loose my own sense of interests and conversation starters and trying to get a connection going.

I dont know- its christmas eve and since I got home at lunch time today Ive practically locked myself in my room with my tea- and its like 11:30 now. I had a huge headache and hate myself for feeling so lonely - dont even know why I check my emails- theres nothing there but sales stuff- and facebook- makes me feel unimportant too -

I am so desperate at the moment for a feeling of belonging and wanting to be liked its getting me feeling desperate and really sad. I mean to have a crush- and he doesnt want to know me on facebook anyway- he told me that ages ago- and I dont think he wants to know me full stop- I mean he has access to my number and stuff if he wanted to call- and he would ask me out if he wanted to- but I dont think he likes me - or hes not over some girl even after quite some time- and other things - so its him. Its still hard to not feel ugly and stuff. Its like hes not feathered of anything I would do.

Since when am I so obessed. I think what it is is that my past - I was told things about myself - that I wasnt this and that - that I was this and that- and I guess I am seeking those things from this crush and its silly.

 

[grapevine]

==========================================================
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So not long until the new year.

But I always feel so overwhelmed this time of year- I never really like it- everything is always unsettling and overwhelming and I always just want everything to get back to routine again, and I always kind of brace myself mode till its over.

So I keep experiencing the major feeling of loneliness- despite having a nice christmas. Today I went to go shopping in the boxing day sales and was swamped by so many people everywhere- and that is where I feel so insecure- when there are young guys around- that is my social phobia- my deep insecurities - and its funny because even when I feel somewhat secure in myself- or less insecure- I still get very aware that they are there and around and the worst thing is that I kind of become hyper -aware of myself and even have these little thoughts in my mind like that -this guy might like me because he walked around the same isle again --...... which is soooooo idiotic!!! But in those states I guess I close down things around me and get into a very small frame of mind- whether that is some sort of coping thing I really dont know, but it really warps me.

I mean, depending on how I feel about myself - I seem to think this all the time - that any guy around me - especially those I've got to know - that their movements and everything they do and talk about - is somehow in reaction to how they think of me - and I know this is going to sound so up myself and crude but it is faulty thinking and at least I am aware for the most part- but I seem think they like me - in a like like way.. or a subtle sexual way ... etc..

I reckon alot of other people would likely get these thoughts too, I am sure of it. But I think they derive from my life experiences with men- and there having been many- I mean sure dad- but Im talking about my age and a bit older.. the only real interactions I have had have been with boyfriends really and that has really only been 2 and bad experiences.

So I guess I get really really confused in my mind around guys. So if I am thinking that I am attracting them and they are actually not even aware I am there- or not responding in an attracted manner - I guess I get upset and it can make me think that I am not attractive - or invisable. And guess what? I get depressed and sad and all that.

But I suppose because I have lived 99 percent of my adult life being a hermit really and avoiding men - then I guess its not strange to see why I automatically do what I do.

At the moment I have been feeling so lonely and so insecure tho. Thinking that I am not good enough. Not attractive, not special inside - I feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall all the time- I am always by myself- and I always pick the people that dont want to so******e with me. I feel so alone in the supermarket, at the mall- I see people with people everywhere - and because ofr the first time in a very long time I actually feel confident in myself for the way I look and not ashamed anymore - I get sad because I am not going anywhere - I mean I feel like I am always alone and always rejected. And it hurts. And yet I just dont feel like I want to start anything new just yet.

 

[grapevine]

God I make a big deal out of things. But I hate feeling this way right now. S!o I will write it out!!

edgy- lonely- very lonely- unwanted/rejected- don't belong- un-special- depressed- un-nattractive- boring and awkward- and disappointed.

There. Maybe it will pass? But I need to get busy- but all I can think about is what happened a few days ago- and how it made me feel - un-attractive and rejected and then I just keep finding things to support that in my mind- and it makes me feel really really really depressed.
I feel so un-attractive- and so much pressure to try and make myself liked - and at the same time I am trying to get back to liking myself again. Its really hard when you have been emotionally abused in your past by a guy telling you things that are not nice about yourself and then to have a guy you kind of like basically talk about how pretty his ex was - making you feel completely inadequate and stupid for even thinking that that person may of been attracted to you. And I just hate going shopping, to walk around just to be around people and out of home and away from my parents - just to feel a sense of independence. And yet all I see and feel is of being un-important and people with people- I feel even more alone and even more very depressed and even more un-attractive - even more rejected- I feel like a nobody. You know when you go online - you go on fB and you check your emails and theres not really anything there- even though you check. Its just what I hate- I have tried my best to make friends at work - and sure I have but its just work really. Thats it. What I hate is that I want this stupid crush to go but I think its more difficult for me because I havent anything in its place just yet. And what I also hate is that its really hurtful when you know that person is a very loyal person to his friends and family and that he doesnt put you in that regard in that category. Thats what hurts I guess. And yeah I have social phobia- and Ive been anti social for more than a decade- I guess what he doesnt understand is that even the tinniest interactions are huge for me in a positive way. And I just dont know how to act around that person anyway- I think I act like I dont care if he is there or not- but I do that because I dont want to be seen as desperate and get hurt. But I always have that problem where I want to be myself around him- yet I also want to portray my feelings too- but not over the top- and I dont get how to do both. But in any case its just really awkward because everything tells me that he doesnt care and then that he does. So I am going to say that he doesnt. And it hurts and I dont want him in my mind anymore. What I hate too- is the interaction I had befre xmas has planted a seed in my mind saying Im not good enough and now I just feel so shrunken and overwhelmed and uncomfortable about how men can be all judging about women and that horrible feeling of inadequacy and stuff when you see these images of women as sex objects - you know blondes with hardly anything on etc.. I hate it all - and I hate how they make me feel- and women with big bums etc.. why do men have to make women feel like they dont stack up.

Its just I feel so flat and stuff. When I work into work in a weeks time- I hope I am over all this but I doubt it. But I will do alot to get over all this - I want to feel better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[grapevine]

Had a productive day today- I went to work un-intentionally - just went to collect my jumper I left and then decided to work all day. I knew it was good for me to get out of my mind and into doing stuff instead especially away from home and actually interacting with people again.

But at the same time I have'nt been able to shake off this deep insecure body image horrid feelings of not being okay. And ever since last Thurs I think I have let it manifest into something bigger- hence how I have felt today and tonight.

Its like I get into this complete anxiety thing. I saw my reflection today at work and got so uncomfortable in my skin- I had'nt felt that way in such a while - but I think I have heightened my feeling of importance in how I look lately because of a certain someone and a silly comment. So I guess I seem to have a belief in me that is saying that if I can just get my hair/body/clothes to look really pretty then he will accept me and like me etc.
Its silly.

But I do know that beautiful is a feeling and an acceptance of yourself and building on from that - externally. And I know when I look after my skin and hair by making homemade masks and things like that- I feel really good later on - esp when it makes your skin so soft- and even when I feel so ugly and all those things- just the act of looking after myself like that - when its like really hard to do ( well you cry in bed for a bit first) - I think it can kind of send your mind into something better to live with for a bit - rather than the pit of doom and anxiety.

I hated today seeing myself in the mirror at work as I passed. I hated seeing that I didnt like what I saw and thought about how no wonder why X isnt interested in me etc. And then to have girls - like teens and young 20s women come in wearing their little shorts and singlets with tanned skin and all that- I am on my way to being comfortable in shorts- but I would love to look like those girls. It just makes you feel like melting into the floor or blowing away in the wind- you just dont want to be there and you certainly dont want to be social - even just one person- because everything they talk to you about is like like hidden messages in their body language or something - saying your not important - your ugly- they've neer said anything nice about your appearance etc.

So I am not going to see my crush this week. And I hate new years eve- I just want it to be over and done with already. Its a horrible feeling- people partying and celebrating- and the un-easy feeling esp when your at home like every year.

At least I just am not on a loop right now in wanting to see crush. I dont want to- in fact I dont think I want to even see him next week at the end of the week either. I just want to hide away - and try not to see him for quite some time! This is kind of the opposite of what has been my headspace about him and its refreshing.

I feel like I need to get back into my life and start to get to a place where I can feel better about myself and where Im going who I am etc..

And I just cant do that when Im around someone I like but who doesnt like me how I like him or does I dont know? Its just too much energy and emotion - its like a robbery or myself.
And how easily I can give away my own self reflection to him.

So Im hoping I wont see him for up to 3 weeks. But probably wont happen like that. But we'll see.

I just want to feel alot better and stronger and start to get on a path again where I can accept and like myself and not be so insecure about things like my looks and social stuff-

 

[Nanita]

Hey. I can relate to some of the stuff you've written. Being affected deeply by someone, their presence, wanting something so much, feeling like I can't have it, letting it destroy me. I hate newyears too... nothing to do and no one to hang with, except I was invited to go spend it with my mom and her friends and I really don't want to, so I'll be by myself.