Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[Facethefear]

You are fishing in the wrong pond. Don't even try to attract the guys at work - it is not a dating pool. Personal remarks about your appearance, weight and clothing are not appropriate for the office. They can be misconstrued. You sound like a very strong person who can accomplish anything you decide to do.

 

[grapevine]

Thanks for your opinion. I can understand what you mean. But its not really an office - its a casual working environment, not that changes anything.

Thanks.

 

[grapevine]

Well - I am thinking of having a break this week. I went in to help at the shop today- being a weekend. I wasn't really going to- but I thought- I should as it would be a practical thing for me- that it would make me get dressed and get out and face what ever I was depressed about. And it worked a little.

But I recognise now, that I feel I am ready to give myself a week off. As a chosen fake sickie- and why not? I mean I work all the time when I don't need to- so I feel that I need to do this.

And I am going to make this whole week -- a week that I don't even come in on a Saturday. Its very hard for me to abandon this one place where I have made so many changes in my life from . But the main reason I need to take this whole week break and more is because I need to reclaim my own life back basically.

Like I have loved the independence and the feeling of useful from work and also the times with X - but I need to find my own place, my own life away from all that too. I need to work on it. I want to be able to go back to work in a better disposition, feeling relaxed and happy once again. A week where I can do all the things that I have put off - where I can start up my business on eBay again and where I can start to exercise and let all that stress go and endorphins rise.

You know- I realise that my hormones have played quite a bit with the stress and depression and negative thoughts about myself. I am very glad that today- I feel like I have come back to earth a bit now- I feel like I don't have to change anything about myself - Im okay how I am, who I am. Im not going to be anyone else's ideal but my own. I am who I am and what I was born with. And I feel so much relaxed in believing that.

I mean it doesn't mean that I can't go and work on myself- because I know that when I work out I feel confident so I will still do that. But I am feeling that I can develop my inner quiet confidence and self love- by totally accepting myself as I am and by what I value and what I do- how I act to others etc.

I feel so warm and relaxed than I have in ages right now- just by feeling today that I am accepted and I am special. I want to be kind to myself and I don't want to take insults personally. I think as a woman, that is something we have to deal with everyday- to accept ourselves and love ourselves whilst not letting those media ideals and opinions of others insult our own views of ourselves.

 

[grapevine]

woke up from a dream about a volcano erupting. I had to get away and I was with someone that was helpful. So I don't know what that was about but I think it means that things are changes inside me- things that I may of suppressed.

i dip in and out of feeling confident and just being me and being okay about that and how I look regardless of nobody giving me any good feedback to then;; feeling very depressed and apathetic and upset/grumpy that I am ugly and unattractive and no man would even look my way even for who I am inside. And I then choose to think of social things at work as rejection.

But then I think, I try to be mindful and not attach myself to those ill feelings from those bad thoughts. I think about the good times with people at work that perhaps I missed because I was over-shadowed by my own insecurities and wants. And when I think about things like that, I see that I can finally relax and because I am choosing to believe and remember nice things- and things that are signs that I am valued. I guess people don't have to say things to show their affections. But also, don't think I am even ready for a relationship with a guy.

Even though I feel a surge of energy like never before. I think I can start to see beyond it- I think that what I have been looking for is a guy to repair what a the guy from my past did and said to me- and the fact is- that only I can do that. And because I can acknowledge that this guy at work is not going to be someone who will do that- well probably not- and that people around me are not going to either- then that leaves me with choosing to believe in something better. So I can choose to believe that I am beautiful regardless of anything around me. And I think the more I can believe that, the more my life can reflect it. Its just a little hard to stick with. And that is why I keep weighing in and out of emotions. But its all practice i guess.

But this guy at work, I notice that he does do things to show that I am valued anyway. But i am not going to think of him anymore as a potential you know. Because what I want in a man, is someone to be affectionate and love the way I look and who I am and tell me or let me know- and he is def not someone who will do that for me- and I am not even going to bother to even think of that anymore from him.
I am just seeing him as a friend. Because I laugh so hard when he is around, we laugh and joke and I love that I been practicing just being myself. Just a friend and I think I am okay with that. I am just giving up on any romance or 'girly' things with him.i think its really good for me too- because all my relationships I have had with men have been not many but they have been sexual and stuff- and I need to see things beyond that.
I am stripping all that down but at the same time I am building myself up. Like today, I am seeing a girl from high school- and old friend I haven't seen in a very long time- in the hopes to re-connect to some social stuff so that I am not relying on work and on X all the time. I want to build my life up and not break myself trying to get affection from work like I had been- I am way beyond that now- I am concentrating on my own business on eBay soon and will not spend much overtime at work like I have been doing. Like I said- I need to build myself up and even though its scary and I am having really bad insecurities right now about how people perceive me and how I look... I feel I can do this- because it feels right.

 

[grapevine]

Going to see an old friend today. I thought it would perhaps take away all these bad feelings I have of myself, but it didn't- it actually made them worse. An old friend from school, and she was okay- but I felt like a psychologist sitting there listening to her too involved in herself, and a little glorified and it made me feel so small and not matter even more.

And now I am here writing this having a cry- I mean I guess I had expectations that I could connect a whole lot better and even get some advice.But it was not meant to be. It was a big deal for me to meet with her. I guess it got me out and had an okay time- but its like I feel so down on myself now- how I look and everything. I just don't want to go anywhere- I want to hide again.
Like closing the door again. Its just that thing now- everything is telling me that I am nothing- everything around me and its seeming very hard to feel good about myself at all right now and lately.

I feel like I am just falling straight into the belief that I am ugly and un-important despite my values. I dont know how to feel good about myself now. I feel so lost and hurt.

I want to be happy again. I think I need to do something but I dont know what it is to make me feel better.

 

[grapevine]

I realise that I let my mum make me feel horrible about myself. i feel like its her that avoids anything nice to say about me - I mean about looking nice or anything on that scope.
And it really hurt last year when she put up picture frames with photos of the family - with alot of photos of my sister and other family members- even pictures of her as a young girl- but no photos of me. And I remember plucking the courage to ask her why there was no photos of me - and she said that she couldn't find them and that she was getting round to it- actually at first she didn't even realise.And it took a year for any photos of me to be there- I remember getting upset the start of last year because of that and then realising that internally she probably felt ashamed of me. And that really hurt. i mean for so long I have not had an independent identity. I was basically living for my mum and dad. Being a people pleaser- in a co-dependent relationship with mum as she is half deaf. I would be the one that would take her everywhere, interpret what other people were saying to her and things like that. But now I don't do that much because I work and have pushed my independence. But even before I did that - she (and its just the way she is- a little slow in learning because of deafness) that she always has a negative answer to anything new I talk about- particuarly when I get excited. And I think that is a reason why I autmatically do the same to myself.

But I really hate that she can make me feel ugly now. Not intentionally. But its like tonight and I tell her that I am thinking about growing my hair long- and she tells me Im too old for that- you know things like that. Everytime I have walked out my bedroom in an outfit that I would never of worn in the past- when I have made an effort - and she just wont say I look nice. Why cant she just say that? Cant she see that i need someone to say something like that to me? Its just everwhere I turn - there seems to be a negative view of me or to me- stemming from my mum and reaching into work and everywhere else. I realise this sounds completely insane- no-one cares what other people look like and even what they do at the most part unless it affects them- but I just feel that everyone I am around in my life right now has this negative view of me like a vibe or something. Maybe I seem needy like I my looks are a touchy subject so avoid it? Idk, But I do know that at work I am surely not acting that way. Since I have made so many changes in how I dress and my weight loss - and people around me have seen that- why doesnt anyone ever give me a compliment? Should I be giving compliments just to receive them myself? I just hate that I literally am starting to believe negative body image stuff. Like looking in the mirror now is something that makes me feel upset now. And only a month ago I was happy dancing in the mirror and laughing liking who I was. But now I am totally devastated because I think that everyone who I interact with must think I am ugly now. Why else would mum not even tell me I look nice. And its not only that with her- she always has a negative persona of me - and that in itself makes me feel shame.
And it hurt my feelings a bit today when the friend I saw, she told me about when she changes her outfit a bit in something that she would never wear- at work they compliment her. Like why dont I get compliments then? I made huge changes. And i think- hat is it about me that is not what people find appealing then? And I literally find it hard to look in the mirror now. I just feel like I want to hide away. Like I just wanted to feel beautiful and have one person - esp my mum say something nice about the way I look. I feel so depressed.
I must have been delirious to have seen anything good when I looked in that mirror a month ago. Maybe its because I havent been around people for so long that my perception of my image in that mirror is warped or something- idk. All i know is that all the people I know - am not nice looking in their eyes.

 

[grapevine]

I hate being so obsessed lately. But I am def taking this off. I couldn't handle going out with to the petrol station today and the post office. I think it all stems down to feeling bad about myself.

 

[grapevine]

Im putting this in bold intentionally. And am going to delete a lot of these posts behind.

I got to the point today, well more to the point yesterday- when I knew there was def something very wrong with me. When you are constantly crying (and I mean whaling crying) and constantly VERY VERY VERY IRRITATED and grumpy and VERY anxious and frustrated and cant tolerate anything in your environment - and I mean anything or anyone- when anything can just make you re-act and become so upset (?) or so grumpy (?)..
and to have such strong insecurities and take over everything..

I have had to stop and listen. And Im taking a sickie this week

But the reason why I think, well I think I know pretty much that I have been MALNOURISHED!!!! My hair has been falling out and my skin has not been the best- and my weight has made me look almost skeleton like.. and my energy.. and I recently got sunburnt and noticed it had'nt gone down fast like usual.
but most of all my moods- have been so extreme and if I read back in here - there is big OKAY moment of reflection in that.

I thought I was eating healthy because I felt satisfied and enjoyed my food. But I have been eating raw food for 5 months. So my meals have been huge salads with tins of beans and raw tofu and lots of oil and lots of salt. Actually Id lately been eating so much salt and so much fat - that I wonder why I didn't even realise then- that my body needed more minerals and calories and diversity..

Anyways.. yesterday I started making a large juice from beetroots/kale/cucumber/spinach/celery and anything else I could get my hands on- and this is the second day I have been doing that. And tonight I had this yearning for a soup- so I went to the supermarket and got some groceries and made this nutritional mix up soup from broccoli/potato/leek/brussel sprouts/lentils/barley/spinach/brewers yeast... a very thick nutritious soup that I blended up- and after eating a huge bowl of that- (and maybe its placebo idk) but I feel so much calmer and relaxed and hopeful/inspired. So I hope that this is a start to a better place.

So I have 7 days till I go back to work. And Ive been sleeping alot- which has been great. But tomorrow I will be cleaning up my whole room. I mean really cleaning out everything- start a fresh. Throwing things out, going through stuff- cleaning the floor, maybe rearranging things- even decorating, clean sheets and quilts, the whole lot-

I am determined to get myself back together again before I go back to work next week. Before I started eating raw- I do remember feeling calm and relaxed then- what I mean is that I didnt have this anxiety to always want to be at work and I didnt have an obsession with desperately wanting to be and wanting to change the way I dress and everything. Back then, I felt at ease and comfortable in my world, independent of work.

And that is where I want to be. And having this time off is forcing me to nurture myself.
I feel confident that things can only get better from here, I just have to have believe that .

Because I dont want to go through another day at rock bottom where I dont want to be in the skin I am in and the life I am in and all that. I dont want to feel guilty for being horrible to everyone- including myself.

So I just think- that if I can continue like I have done today and yesterday- to up my calories/diversity/nutrition and also continue to find out and nurture other areas in my life right now that I have neglected- I might just be feeling a lot better. I think I really really need this.

And tomorrow I am going to find my hot water bottle- even though it is summer- I am going to sleep with that in the night time because I know it will completely relax me.

So - to a new me- a nurtured me- for the better- for those around me too.

 

[grapevine]

Been looking after myself with lots of fresh foods and been feeling better. But I feel like this summer has been just way too much for me- the sun and the heat- I hate it- I just want it to be autumn and winter again. Until then, I am just going to keep to myself- and Im not going to put pressure on myself like I had been to be social. Im just going to hide away for a awhile to get back to a place where I can feel okay about myself and relaxed once again.

 

[grapevine]

Decided not to think too much these days. And for that reason I kind of stay off from here. I have found that - what is very much true - that your thoughts get wider and wider the more you entertain them- and for me - I can just read back on these and actively see that reflected on the screen. So I am being really cautious. I had a few weeks back of such negative self insecurity in me- and there became a point where anxiety and depression just completely overcame my life - I was so apathetic and angry and anxious- it was not pretty and it was painful. It took me to a place where I had to consciously recognise that what I had become and then give up all those bad things- take stock and nourish myself with good food and good sleep and then seeing my therapist. I had to take a week off work and just rest. And that was the best week I had had in ages.

I get not only physical stress from work but emotional too- and I know that now. When you have an anxiety disorder- things can so easily get out of control and you can become such a wreck. Now I take it day by day and make sure I get my relaxation and not think too much.

One point I will make - is yes I am still in love with this guy at work. And I think there is something there. But I am trying my best to just be friends and be myself and its all good. I don't emotionally invest myself as much as I once did. I take things as they come- if I get a little disappointed - I might have a little cry - but then I am fine afterwards. And I try to use that energy- that I like in myself to fill myself up and not down.

 

[BlazeBlue]

I'm sorry to hear about your past. It was certainly a horrid experience. However, there's no way to revert what you've gone through, what could have been, what you could have done. But there are ways to work on your today and tomorrow. I know it's easy said than done but you can start loving yourself now (today, at this very moment). I was a doormat and I hated myself every single waking moment in my teens and early 20's. Every 5 minutes I'd think about killing myself. That was no doubt a terrible thing to deal with for years. Then one day, I got so fed up with hating myself that I thought, if I have to live, I want to live a fulfilled life. Since then I learned many things:

1) You've got to stand up for yourself against anyone, including yourself

2) Healthy relationships start with self-respect. If you don't respect yourself, no one will

3) Love yourself first, fully and wholeheartedly, before expecting someone else to do the same

4) Don't expect anyone to be Prince Charming in shining armor. That stuff is for naive children. Prince Charming is the worst kind of boyfriend you'd ever get. Besides the great hair, strong jawline, a phony cape, and a cheesy pose, we don't know anything else about him. I mean, what kind of creep would snoop behind a tree stalking a young girl and forcefully grab her hand and ask where she lives (not to mention forcing a kiss on a sleeping girl in a middle of a forest and trying to take her to his home the moment she opens her eyes.) Fairy tales are not the same as real life.

5) This quote, "There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn't jump puddles for you." applies to anyone and everyone, including people whom you call family (at least that's what I'm doing with evil relatives that'd only take and take).

6) Beauty is a short-lived thing, it'll disappear. If you ask a guy what he likes about your personality and he can't come up with at least one or two things (your quirkiness, your caring side, your cooking, etc.), do re-consider.

7) Don't look for someone else to fill you with happiness. You'll always feel empty and you'll drain the happiness out of your partner. Happiness is from within. Create your own.

8) Repeat 1 - 7 until you're well-versed in self-acceptance and you'll attract great things

For your crush, if you're serious about him, talk to him and learn more about about the guy, what he likes, what he dislikes, his future goals, etc. Compare those to your own and see if they're a good fit. If they're not, give yourself some respect and move on. Don't think, "We have nothing in common but because I like him I can accommodate his interests and goals. I just have to do my goals some other time." That's a sure fire way to get into another abusive and dependent relationship. Good luck best wishes to you!

 

[grapevine]

BLAZEBLUE,

Thankyou for your wonderful advice : ))
And I get it - all those steps- and have been actively trying to purse them for months and months really- but its really really wonderful to have someone write and take thought on something like this - very kind hearted~ big thankyou
....................................................................
I think I am over my past. It was quite some time ago now- but the reason little things come up is because of the interaction with the crush at work. Because I have avoided contact with men my age and a little older/younger- for nearly a decade. So, I guess things that relate- but I am quick to overcome them- and understand the male things that I am learning.

But I am on here tonight, because yes tomorrow is Valentines day. And I knew I was going to be very disappointed. Of course I knew it- but there was always that tiny glimmer of hope - and Im not talking about that knight in shining armor- because I know that only myself can be that person and I do and am practicing self love and acceptance- consciously every day- its just difficult sometimes.

And well, what I guess I was expecting- was I know was completely un-realistic and something of what I know express to myself as - the 'dream-guy' as in 'not the real guy' - I unfortunately still have a crush on. And the thing is too- that because is been going on for more than 6 months - it had evolved into this big emotional turmoil thing. Where, even practicing mindfulness- it is still very hard to not feel and connect with the emotions that I have towards him. And I feel like such a huge fool. The worst thing is that I get really angry from hurt- from him- and its like I just want to go up to him and scream at him and tell him that he does not even understand the huge deal it was for me - when he invited me out on that new years - had dinner and slept over his place (on the couch). Like ??
Its nearly 2 months now- I mean what would any person - even just a friend think?

And I just really try really hard to not make it personal. To say, okay - he has a disorder- he has schizophrenia and gets into those times when he cant so******e and when he is all too into himself. But then, you see him on Youtube with his band friends having a good time (only looked up a couple of times). And so then I begin to take it personal - when I shouldn't even care.

I just thought, that even on a friendship level- I thought that by him inviting me into his world - that it was perhaps the begining of a friendship. I mean, I do realise that the more I get to know him - (and I seem to be able to see more roundly who I am dealing with now anyway- like not a one sided view- and that he is not exactly the attraction I am after).,

So okay- at work now- I just get so drained emotionally- I put my feelings in the air and try to give up on them and go full out on work. But then, he comes in and then I get that hesitation feeling - where I know I cant indulge in his jokes or enjoy his company because its just setting me up for a friendship that is not there. And it hurts like hell. And I have in the past and still (unless I catch myself out) think its the way I am acting towards him- because of social phobia. But its not. I be nice. Hell, I bake cookies every Thursday and take them in a big jar to work for everyone- and I sit with him most lunch times. And that is where I get really, really confused with him. I mean, he has a scrambled brain anyway, literally.

But too many times - its as if all he has is an ego/apathetic side that is constant. Where for him to acknowledge others, he has to be consciously acting on it it seems. Everytime I go to work, and there I am in this small room sorting through stock and he comes in every now and then- esp if there is a seat and its like he makes the effort sometimes- with his coke in hand- to be social. But when he is around me - its about him just being silly- acting out silly sexual things and dangerous things - like a silly kid- and sometimes the funniest impressions that make you laugh for ages. But then there are silences too. And so interactions are usually with me high browing him- like 'What are u doing?' sort of thing and laughing. He does make the effort to try to talk to me- but lately- he is just silly and then leaves - with no emotion towards me. And there are times when everything he talks about- in a room of other people is joking around about me- in a flirty way. And there have been times like lately where well, he is not there-but in his own mind like a robot -Its like - it makes you feel very cold and rejected. And he probably wouldnt even know he does it. Just concerned about himself and apathetic.

But all of this, you know I feel trapped. I feel like I want to be like Michael Jackson and scream the walls down- in what ever music clip that was??

I mean, cant he see me? Cant he see how confused and upset I am- ? I know he probably cant because he is not a mind-reader. But god, I mean I would never do that. Ask some girl out - fully knowing that she has been a hermit for years.. and still deals with social phobia- and then not do it again. He would rather hang out with guys. And so then I think, I must be un-attractive- but then I look in the mirror and feel like I am better than I have ever been for sometime- in that comfortable mind space of accepting and liking myself in the mirror. I mean he did the other week mention to me that I will have to come over and watch some more movies. But there have not been any plans - and I am not going to initiate. But anyway, I am sick of him - seeing him at work coming up to me and telling me how he wants to go home and doesnt want to be here etc.. well just SHUT UP!! ~ I would like to say- and also I would like to tell him that I dont have to be here- and that I will give him the pleasure by going home so I dont have to be around someone who doesnt want to be around me. Someone dead to the world around him.

I know anyone would think I am kidding my own respect for myself by still continually trying to purse a friendship with this guy. And I am so aware of it- I dip back and forth. And my only thought that I end up with - is that in the moment I feel really happy when I am around someone like that - who gets the same humor as me and that I can be myself- when I am not so emotional. And the other thing - is that the more I get closer to him- the more I see the things that I dont like about him and it contrasts my own value- it motivates me to value myself more. I dont know.

What I do know, is that I am really depressed over it and nothing at home or anywhere else makes me feel those 'feelings of belonging from him' as to when I am around him. And that is so dangerous and stripping me of myself. And then I dip into a motivational stage where I think right- kick him off the agenda and ---- ----- and then there is this lonely space. Like there always has been. I guess I am just frozen to take new steps- esp since I feel hurt.

I was going to take a month off seeing him- and working on other days instead- but I just couldnt. But I might change my mind. I think instead, I will just leave and not over stay anymore. I dont know. I do enjoy my work. I was also thinking about in the near future, telling him- briefly - how he has hurt my feelings - and perhaps that I am dealing with this crush and to give me my space maybe- but then I know that I would just get upset anyway- I mean - his response would be odd and he would probably talk about the past and I would probably be reminded of my past rejection.I dont even know if he know I like him, even - and Im not saying I want a relationship with him- Im just saying I want to breathe. thats all.

But it is really weird how you can get all caught up in someone that you dont really like- if that makes any sense? I need someone to come over and slap the sillies out of me- and say 'Be gone..' and then I will be free. I mean, god there are boys out there - not that I am looking - but there is something about past abuse that women want to try and repair in future guys- I guess its hard to get over a crush when you have social phobia and no social life.

 

[grapevine]

So I went into work this morning - even though I went to bed at 4:30 or so. When you are depressed - it wreaks havoc with your sleeping. I was determined to just get myself there after half a day yesterday of crying and a whole night of crying. And then this morning- ..crying. So I get there- filled myself with 2 energy tablets and got my ipod ready to blare music to moitvate me to do stuff- but when I go there - this older lady that works there who is usually nice basically was very grumpy how the sorting room was a mess- and was basically annoyed because she knew I threw out her little rack of old pjs and nighties (like ewe..!!) . I tried to override that - and be nice and talk about good things- but she just didnt want to hear me and walked off to rush to the toilet. But I saw her later whispering to the boss- and looking behind her. What ever. I cant be fully responsible for the mountains of stuf that arrive in one day- just me on my own- and I didn't make that mess the boss did anyway- as she went through stuff for her display last night.

Anyway- so of course - I tried to stick in there and not take things personally and know that I know better - things dont last- emotions change- but it became too much. That place- at work - I am just an invisible person- like a robot. I feel so under-valued and the amount of care I have constantly put in there week after week and working on those extra hours and days for nothing. I just hate it now. So I left this morning. I wasnt getting paid anyway- only week days I get paid.

So another day of crying my eyes out non stop once again. My body feels so empty and hollow- I feel like a walking ghost. I feel like I have no value that nothing in my world - that all that time at work - caring what people think, caring about what I do, just giving a damn- all of that means nothing- what I mean is that I feel like if I wasnt there - who would notice and care?
Thats what it feels like. My creativity, my organisation, my friendliness, compassion, uniqueness, determination and work ethic ~ all of that just feels like it is completely not worth using all that energy there and taking it from my own life. It has shrunk my own life- I am nothing but a worker there- nothing at home feels the same anymore and hasnt for a long time. And I was always kidding myself to think that I could make friends there anyway- that I could actually connect with others outside of work. Everyone there basically is the opposite of me anyway. Most of them all smoke all the time and constantly drink cans of coke and they all are meat eaters anyway. They dont even understand veganism- but its not like I advertise it either. I am always the odd one out. And who cares about tattoos - to me, they are a waste of money really. I just hate going there and getting excited that I am going there and being social and being independent and expecting it a priority to so******e with the people there- but most would rather just go home. I guess I just feel so devvalued and rejected. But I am thinking of taking a month off on a doctors certificate maybe Idk.

 

[grapevine]

Last few days like the last time, dreaded pms - turned straight into a huge depression - where I literally spun out in complete anxiety and felt so down that I wanted to die basically.
And now I am repeating the most stupidist things of my past.

I used to have body dysmorphic disorder. And for that reason, for 7-8 I just stopped looking in the mirror and not caring because it was easier that way. But now I have made a re-connection in the last 6 months and have done quite well without getting obsessed so much. Ive learnt a lot over the years and kind of know my ways- and triggers- which what gets me so annoyed with myself, because there I was yesterday on Valentines day thinking that maybe I should lighten my hair because a certain someone said I should dye it blonde ( a joke idk).. and so then I start to think about it- and try not to think about it- and then I am so stupid and insecure to imagine myself with lighter hair walking into work and being admired by .. because I am blonde looking and he likes blondes.. I mean how low can i get right? Its just so stupid- Im 33 years old for god's sake and I liked my hair before. Its not like I went into a dramatic change last night, its just that I went completely overboard and put straight vinegar and bleach into my hair- I was so high in anxiety that I was not thinking straight- it was like straight out of my B.D.D days- and then how many showers have I taken since last night- to try and get my hair back to what it was before. I mean , the anxiety, not to mention all the chemicals and feeling so ill from it all. It just shows me that - even though I know better - I still do these stupid things. I mean all those years ago when I was abused - this is what I did - but far far worse- to the point where I went through 8 over the counter hair dyes in 2 days- a chemical burn on my face hair falling out, and also 2 trips to 2 different hair dresses - each involving complete stripping of my hair. I mean can you imagine?
I get so wound up in so wanting to have affection from a guy I like that I end up taking it all away from myself- doing the complete opposite of what affection actually is. I mean, its when you dont have to change one thing about yourself. So why am doing this to myself all over again. I guess I will blame it on hormones. I mean I was just desperately looking for some way out- something to change myself - because the world around me had crumbled - and I felt so de-valued. I needed a fix and did a stupid thing. And I will add that when I say a guy I like- I guess I mean a guy I liked in my own imaginary world. Not the real person who is not that person I think he was/is. And that makes things so depressing. But I admit it.

 

[grapevine]

So I just dyed my hair again - because of last night - bleaching - for insane reasons because I loved my hair. And then, so I put a semi to cover what I have done- then I go out in to the sun and get a complete depressive/ anxiety attack - so brassy and blonde - its not me and looks really bad. So i go and leave another lot of semi dye on my hair. Going to leave in for some time- hoping it will go back to what it was. I just feel so ashamed and stupid and embarrassed - and more than anything so high in anxiety right now that its like I am on the tip of a cliff. I cannot relax at all. I just want things to go back to normal.

My hair being one of them. I hate this. I never wanting to do this to myself- not again. I just hope I can get through this because I dont want to go through ages hating my hair andthen hating myself.

 

[grapevine]

Today had been the worst 'episode' of anxiety I think I have had not since 9 years ago. Felt like not on a cliff- but falling into a doom pit. It was so bad I could not calm down, could not eat. But Im kind of okay right now- I went out of my room and into the living room where my parents were watching tv - with no idea what was going on with me. I snuggled up with a hot water bottle and blanket and let the sounds of the tv calm me- and tried to sleep it off with the blanket over my head. I took KAVA and calcium and GABA and a mood tablet and then had some steamed potatoes with oil and a salad with tempeh. Then a large ripe banana. Trying to get that triptophan (spelling?). Ive felt much better but I have a blotchy sore red face - my hair is basically brassy orange and I feel a bit like Ive run a marathon.
Today, the whole day- my teeth were chattering, muscles clenching. I felt so powerless and so depressed and anxious- I thought that my hair - I just was so fixated on it- I felt that I had to get it right - that I could never go out again like that- with my hair like that. etc. It has been so extreme. And I feel so ill over it. Chemically, physically and most of all emotionally.

But the thing is tomorrow I am going to buy another hair dye. I mean I have only used these 8 week rinse things and not dye-dye. But because I bleached my hair - for stupid reasons- and then put my rinse on top- and it turned out orange- I am basically going to once again vinegar my hair to get that rinse out but then put on an ash brown dye ( without the bleach part). I am worried about doing this- as I dont want a repeat of today of having 5 showers or more and dying and dying and anxiety and all that. But I am confident that I will just live with what will be. I dont want brassy orange hair- I want to it to be somewhat how it was before at least. And time will heal it anyway.

I jsut am so stupid. To think what I have done once again. But I want this to be a hump and a learning curb. A plunge that happened- a reminder of how cautious I must be to giving in to my insecurities - maybe this is the big thing- the big learning thing- the last straw in the wanting to change myself thing- up until now I hadnt really done anything like what I had done today- that was I guess if I think really deeply - something out of complete desperation and insecurity. Because that are has always been in my insecurities.

Im just indulging here. But I was going so well until this week. Its like the lowest of the low I could possibly of got. And now its like - work = unhappy. The crush - is not really real - not on his side anymore anyway. And there are so many things that I like to overlook- because of feelings that I would get. But that too was the last straw. I mean I had so much anxiety built up over the days counting to valentines day. Because I knew that I would be disappointed. I knew that so well- and I was kind of building in anticipation to have a complete emotional clearance from that - if nothing were (and I knew that nothing was) to happen. I had decided to completely emotionally let it all out. And when I overheard that he would be having a day off on that day- knowing I would be there. Then that was the last thing- the thing to tell me that there is nothing there. And that anticipation - that feeling of almost euphoria to want to let open the flood gates. Well I let that happen. Not like I hadnt done for months every now and then- but this time it was a sure fire - goodbye upsetting rejection full on letting it all go thing. And it made me so depressed that I have been crying for days. Then came full on depression and then my anxiety last resort stupid thing - of bleaching my hair. Full on straight edge full blown anxiety today. Now I am listening to flute music and feeling much better. But I am obviously not that stable yet, hence the cont writing on here. I did stop for some time- and that was a good choice. But because I am un-well I feel I need this indulgence.

I guess I had felt rejection - but the crush I had- if that had turned into something more- I mean it wouldnt of been like what I had thought. Because if I go back to the new years eve - and there were things that I didnt like. Things that kind of reminded me of the past. And that is also why I guess the rejection has been hard - because it reminds me of the past. And it hurts. But I have to remind myself that he never really rejected me - this guy at work- who knows if he knows how I feel- but the thing is he has his own major problems with his illness that prevent basic needs even to his family and himself- so I was kidding myself anyway. One thing that stood out the other day last week was he came right up to me - like right up to my face just teasing - but I hit him in the groin with my knee- as a reaction and just playing but I actually got him. The next day I told him I was sorry and he said that he didnt have anything there anyway. So I dont know what that means. I do know with men that they say blunt things and never in a roundabout way. I do also know that the medication he is on dies shrink the heehoo and libido. But I just wonder and I am saying this because it does make me feel better- that he does have self esteem issues anyway and insecurities. Particualy around women other than family maybe. So I am not the only one. He could never take on a relationship and doesnt want one- he has said that before. So I hold that. And say that its not me. I guess the issue is that it makes me feel like I am un-attractive in so many ways. But I am despite my hair issue right now- not going to go that neural pathway.

I want to get out of this mess. Last year I had the most best year I have ever had in decades. This year has not been the best. But usually the start of the year never is for me. Usually the start of the year I learn lessons and they give me the motivation to change my life for the better. But last year was so un-expected and so life changing for me- I hope I have something similar happen again.

 

[grapevine]

Feeling so much better. I had gotten in an ocd/bddc/anxiety/depression/pms state and it lasted for 2-3 days.

I had to force myself to not touch my hair and leave it alone which was quite hard to do. I forced myself tis week off work and that was hard to do too. I have felt antsy and confused and forgetful and right now - because I am going in to work tomorrow- I feel really emotionally drained and tired because just thinking about going in there- I know I will not feel appreciated and valued most likely - and there is a part of me that says I am letting myself down again- a part of me that maybe is still too emotional to go back - I know its a only been a week - but. But the part of me that says I should go tomorrow is the part of me that never used to be and so I will listen to that. It the part that tells me that I am not a hermit anymore.

 

[grapevine]

So I had a pretty bad week. But I am proud of myself that I actively stopped myself proceeding with the ocd bdd and making myself even sicker.
So I had this week off - but I went into work this weekend wasn't going to but it is quieter than other days.
But I am just feeling so emotionally worn out from this anxiety stress overload.

Thing is I wrote a private fb message to my boss just breifly telling her that I was having a bit of a mental health issue.
But when I came back to work on Sat it was as if I had been away for longer. I mean I only work 2 days and a weekend. But the thing is that nowhere guy that I decide to give up on - the crush no longer - comes to tell me he is now following me on Facebook. And sure enough - he is a follower. And I don't know why. It's confusing, why is he like that - anyway you go on his page and there are quite s few images of blonde bombshells with big boobs and all the rest of it and half naked women with tattoos all over their bodies. I just hate it that I give up on my fantasy of what I would like frim him and recognise it's not and never will be reality and then he goes and goes and does this. Not that it means anything. It's just a reminder of disappointment and confusion. Why does he want to not know me but know me.it just makes me feel so tired of it all. I'm not going to find appeal in him anymore - because I'm not going to be compelled to loose myself - to think that I am not worthy because I'm not blonde or because I don't have tattoos or because I'm not completely into things he is into. I just have given up on any of those illusions of him - I still hold onto what I like in s guy but I'm not attaching them to him anymore. From now on I'm not going to over- work- meaning in not going to stay longer than I should anymore. And the thing is that I know that he will react to this in some kind of way. But I just don't want to play this longing game anymore - it's too much. ESP with someone who has a severe mental illness like schizophrenia. Like today, it's that blank face with no emotion - it's to do with the mess but it's not nice to be around. All the states of mind he gets into. I just want to have a break from it all- to not concern myself with work so much anymore and with him too and to completely give myself to the wind and whatever happens, whatever comes my way is destiny. And in this time just try to relax and re/ nurture myself and my soul.

But right now - I just don't get why thic guy - why does he idk. All I know is that I'm never going in his fb page again after a look- all those pictures of women - I mean whatever. There is beauty everywhere and not in some cookie cutter blonde.

 

[grapevine]

Well Ive just been avoiding whats been giving me anxiety and unhappiness and that is that BDD has kind of returned- so now when I see myself I see an image of me I dont like. And now what is really silly is that I have noticed when I talk- and smile with my teeth- that I never really have looked in the mirror when I so that- and now I have and I dont like it and now that is making me feel and act self-consious around people. That I dont really want to talk and open my mouth and I dont want to laugh - I want to cover my mouth. Its just that I noticed I look kind of different when I am animated with my mouth in the mirror and its just kind of weird and I dont like it. I dont know why I am giving in to these things. I think it is that when a person acts hot and cold towards you- even when you have given up on that person- it has been scientifically found that that behaviour towards a person can make them feel dependent on being accepted. So I guess in a big way - I am feeling deep inside that I am not good enough because of this and this and that is why 'he' never invited me over again among things. But I know logically I am taking it personally and its not really anything to do with me. Im fine as I am. But Ive gone far enough to keep trying to want to change myself and its just like an addiction. Also the stress.
I just feel like everything is so confusing and work is becoming not what it was- which was fun and creative- now its just way too demanding and a unappreciative with no choice and no room for any imput and creativity anymore because of our new boss. I just get so worked up with her. I had a box of stuff I had been collecting that I wrote a note on that I was intending to buy and I also had some pages with printed pictures from tumblr I was intending to use- well she just dis-reguards my note and puts out all my stuff to be sold and throws my prints in the bin. I rock up a few days later with my cash to buy all that stuff and its all gone- people bought it all instead. I over-work my spare time all the time for over 4-5 months -hard physical labor- and it just made me so angry that of all the things she is doing to the shop- on top of that - she can just dis-respect me too. It has made me give up on work- not work - but my ethic in it- that I just dont want to use my spare time to help out anymore. I just dont see what her logic is in changing things around the place too. And also the same with mr crush. I just dont understand him either and I dont want to go through a whole emotional confusion thing- I am sick of it. I just dont understand why he is the way he is around me and towards me. Why does he feel the need to follow me on fb and yet ignore me also. I just dont get it - and I am tired of it all. I worked myself up- I have and am still going through remnants of the old haunting bdd and anxiety and then Ive gone through full on depressive states.
Im just not used to it all. Social stuff. I have worried too much how others see me - because my identity has been a hermit one basically - so I guess its normal to be insecure about how others see you- but I wont let that define me - even it being good.

 

[grapevine]

Felt so self conscious these past few days. I am sick of being so concerned now with what I look like and being so insecure and seeing myself in a horrible way - its like I am actively seeking that unattractive version of myself. Then sometimes I see the good version. But lately I just feel so unattractive and obsessed and insecure and never good enough. I know its bdd, and its hard to cope a bit in these whirl-wind attacks. Its like you get completely spun out and obsessed - where your world is determined by something so silly.
But I know that I haven't had this for some time until lately. I know this- and I know that what I did for years was ignore it all. I ignored caring a lot about my appearance and reminding myself that its who I am inside not outside that really matters. And I would concentrate on other things.

So I think that is what I need to do. Give up on the mirror for a while. Its hard though. Because I started to care but now I care too much. I guess caring too much is when you actually aren't caring - your trying to find and change yourself rather than honor yourself. I just feel so insecure, Im not good enough- the way I look - Im so obsessed with wanting to be desired I guess. When maybe that isnt even what I really want anyway. And like I said before, its alot of pressure to try to see yourself as beautiful when you feel frustrated and insecure.
I want to be that person I was before. There was a moment, when I first started working at my job last year, when even though I had an emotional eating issue, and was overweight, I was content to some degree- in that I didn't have insecurity like I do now. I was into things and much more compassionate and was there for all my animals and everyone- and I liked how somebody cared for me then, as I was even though I was overweight and stuff. So I just want to zone out and try to find that person in me again. To not try to desperately search for the attractive version of myself in the mirror to be okay with me. Its rubbish. I am who I am. I just need to sleep it off and take stock and get into other things. I guess.