Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

Wow- I feel you

I think New Years is made a big deal of anyways- I haven't gone out since I was a kid really for news years.
I like the next day and getting up early when others are asleep. That makes me feel a bit better sometimes.

Something out of this work happened today. And I feel odd. Like I thought he wasn't at work today but he was. He asked me what I do on news years and I said my honest truth that I usually get really depressed because I'm not going out and stuff. Then later he asked if I wanted to go down and do something with him and asked for my number. So it's the afternoon and he rang up and he's going to ring up again later - we might have a meal somewhere that's what he wants but I don't think there is anywhere we would even be able to get in because of the crowd everywhere. I asked at work if his sister would like to come idk why but that is why had is going to ring back later.

This is a little bit surreal for me and I'm not making a big deal out of it and I'm not expecting anything well u know. It's just it feels really nice to be invited by him - because I guess it made me feel special and accepted and those are things that we don't feel when we're alone - we kind of have to conjure it up ourselves really. Not that being alone is bad tho - it has it's good points too. I am just kind of holding back on nerves and any remote expectations - it's just so odd to have wanted this for so long - to be invited outside of work - to feel like a friend more than just a college - I am playing this right down - no big deal - just want to be myself and have some fun. It's just really really odd. I don't know if it means he likes me or he felt sorry for me or other things - and I shouldn't really care should I. Anyway, I've never had a guy ask for my number before - that gave me a grin lol. Oh boy, I guess the things I am a little unsure about is loosing my train of thought that happens nearly everytime I talk with him, then there is his mental health quirks - and then there is just awkwardness and then if anything ever remotely happened if I was ready - kissing I haven't done that since - well 9 years - and that was to mrvabusive where he forced his face into mine and I literally couldn't breath - it dint work out that kiss and it was embarrassing . I wouldn't want to do that again. And I guess the other thing is being restrictive of my emotions - not letting love in if it comes my way - I think that's common but I would like to be open for anything in the future.

So tonight for once in my life and this 360 change I've done this year - I'm actually going out on New Years omg - and I will report back when the night is over. I don't wang to jump the gun or anything I am highly not expecting anything else but what it is - in my mind a friend from work -

 

[Nanita]

Wow... that's exciting! I'm glad he asked you and that you're going.... I hope you'll have a good night. Yes, report back and tell all.... Your night out is the only thing that excites me about newyears right now....LOL... I suck!

 

[SoScared]

^its certainly intriguing me.

 

[grapevine]

OMG...

OKAY...

Happy new years .. Yay.. back to normal now??

Well I am utterly confused and kind of dumbed in emotions right now. But I will explain how the night went - (and Im kind of not that paranoid now that he may see this-becaue I really dont think he would - I mean I am sure he wouldnt even go on my fb page- I dont think- ?).

So I met up with him and we went to a cafe for dinner. He had rang up earlier to say his sister wouldnt be coming. And he payed for me (said I could pay for him next time?). We took the outside dining because he smokes. So he talked an awful lot about himself- which was fine because I enjoyed listening- but because of his schizophrenia he was completely in his own reality of a very heightened sense of ego. And once again I heard the story of this girl he liked and stuff from years back and how he broke her heart. But it was good to practice listening skills and really enjoy asking questions and knowing that it would have felt good for him to really talk all that out.
We then went for a walk around the town and then we went in his car and drove around to a nearby town to see if there was anything on. There was some awkwardness but fun and laughing. He was very sincere at times like when he noticed I was fondling with my seatbelt for ages as it was rubbing me- he took the car to the side and stopped to see if I needed to adjust it - a lot of things like that- he was very nice.

Then we parked a lot of places- and had funny light hearted conversations. See he is very into metal music, horror films, true crime and tattoos.. all that kind of stuff and I am into veganism, greenpeace and stuff emotional music of all kinds- we are kind of different.So conversations were about films and music and funny stuff.

So we parked and saw the fire works and then went to his place. His little room with is a garage fully decorated with heavy metal things and stuff. He bought some films off youtube and we watched them. I picked them - funny ones he hadnt seen before. He layed on one couch and I layed on the other. With pillows and rugs.

Then it got to like 4:00 or something and he went and slept in his bed - he did ask me if I were comfortable and wanted to sleep on the bed instead- but I said no. So that was it really- he slept- and I was awake kind of like - in some confused surreal state..

Like I am sleeping on a couch in this guy I have a crush on for 6 months - in his man cave room. The thing is - before I met up with him I bought this really pretty little sleeveless white top- and I thought it looked so cute. I thought I looked really pretty last night. I made a real effort to you know make a homemade body mask and stuff - which really really softens your skin. But I guess in my mind I somehow want him to notice me - like that I looked pretty- but I dont know if he did or not.

I still dont know if he likes me- or just a friend? And its like ?? I mean he invited me into his world because I said I was depressed that I didnt have anywhere to go on new years like every year. Was it just out of pitty?

But see he was so sincere and with his mental illness it can mask emotions- or make him non-emotional and of course - that heightened self worth- kind of all about him. But at the same time be so nice and caring at times. But it just felt like its his world and all about him- because of his illness. Yet being sincere.

When he woke up and then later I decided to get up. my hair bands all fell out and my hair was down- I never wear it down so I felt a bit self conscious- and he had never seen me with it down. You know I just dont know if he is attracted to me or not. See the thing is I had told him ages ago about how I was raped in my past and that I felt funny around men and had my boundaries etc.

I just wonder if that is any reason why he was only really acting like a friend- but kind of like a sincere person too? Like it felt like a date when we were having a meal and everything and in the car together- but also not.

So I just dont understand. I stayed for as long as I could in the morning. I did have to get home to feed everyone (animals). I really wanted to stay for longer- I wanted to know what his deal was with me- but then again I didnt.

Anyway, it came time to decide to go- he walked me out and said it was a good night and I thanked him and then got into my car and left. Oh and he said I would see him at work he supposed. Which is like in 7 days. He has a mate coming over to play guitar with him.
I was really hoping he would ask me to come back later or something like that- make another nearby plan idk. And the thing is - has this opened me up for further meet-ups now?

Funny thing- is that one lady I work close with at work - she has known all about my crush on him and my emotions at times- yet I didn't tell her yesterday that he had invited me out. I cant wait to tell her on Thursday- but in a discreet way as he will be there. She I think will be in shock a bit maybe idk? lol

I would really like it for him to come to my place another time. Like if my parents were away. I would like to show him my world. But I think he is too into his own. At least he made an effort. Its really weird 2015- because I have kind of gotten so many things I had wished for for ages - and they just keep being presented to me? I mean to loose weight effortlessly and love my food still- to hang out with my crush if only as a friend even - to feel accepted and invited, to have a place where I can be social and have a job- be independent- and to dress up in small girly pretty clothes and feel and look amazing at times- all these things have happened- I cannot believe it. I just wonder what is next in store for me?

So does he like me? I mean it just seemed like he's not interested in me - like I was just a friend- or does he like me - or Im not his type or ...???? Was this a date to him or just taking a friend out?

I mean would as a guy do you invite a girl over like that- have a meal and stuff- pay for her and try to make her new years fun- knowing that she's a loner and stuff. What does it mean? Why didnt he make any hints or moves to show me he likes me - or does his illness prevent that? Or he just doesnt. And I forgot to ask him if it was normal for him to have a girl over like that- but then I guess - in my past I had a guy that would just say the truth of what he thought without even knowing that it would hurt feelings and I somehow think all guys are like that- so if ask him a question like that - I might get a heartbreak you know..?

And now I am completely weirded out when I go back to work on how to be around him because I always get nervous around him at work. And has this just made him loose interest in me now? Like I am just like a guy or something I dk?

I am still like - what just happened?? I am sooo confused??

 

[grapevine]

Oh god- Nanita- you do not suck!

 

[grapevine]

Well- Im feeling overwhelmed and sad or disappointed, frustrated, and I dont know?

I mean what does this mean? I just dont think that he sees me as attractive and I just dont think that he can be like that in the states he gets into- I mean he has a past that he talks about he did things for some girl - but she was horrible back to him and he ended up in a mental hospital and stuff. Like I think he just sees me as a friend. There was a moment in the car when we were talking about this girl at work that is not all there if you get me and he was making fun of her face- and then he said something like oh were all average here. And I thought well I thought I looked pretty.. you know even tho I dont know what he was on about.

I guess I get really insecure about my looks because of my past and also because right now I feel the best- I mean I really feel pretty alot - I look in the mirror and really dress up in cute clothes and do things I always dreamt of doing. But yet I kind of - its like I feel very attractive and I know that sounds up myself- but its a good feeling Im not going to lie - to look in the mirror and actually like what you see (apart from those bad days) feel really pretty and attractive and walk out the door and those around do not see you that way probably- it just warps your mind- because I guess I put it high on my self values I guess- on my self esteem . I mean my beauty - my reflection of myself was ruined by an emotional abusive guy 9 years ago- and from then on I have just wanted a guy to tell me I am pretty/beautiful - so I can let go of those past things. But I know that is not going to happen and that I should just be happy I see it in myself and on myself.

You know I did see that film called SPY with Melissa Macarthy. Where she was all dressed up and looking confident and I thought wow she looks so beautiful- because she was confident in her own unique self worth and that reflected her inner and outer beauty to the max.

I kind of feel that there are similarities to this guy and the abusive guy of my past. Not that this guy is abusive - its just that he has his own agenda and in the past when I met the abusive guy I was in his own room whist he showed me his stuff on his computer too. Its like I am invited into a guy's world but they dont really like me? I dont know- they are not really interested in me? I dont know.

I jsut feel a bit disappointed and you know there were things that I didnt like about his place and him last night- but I knew there would be. I wont list them.

See I was planning on keeping my distance from him up until a few days ago. I wanted him to value me I guess. But now what? Im just a friend and he is just into his own things and not me. I think that is the reality.

So now I feel like I have to work my own sense of self again. After all this excitement(?) I feel like I was completely overdone by his world and his views and thoughts of what is cool and stuff- and maybe what he thinks is attractive and all that- and completely out of mine. Like right now I feel un-eased a bit like what the hell just happened.. but at the same time I feel like who am I again? What makes me me? What makes me special and what makes me feel vibrant and unique and beautiful and cool and pretty and in my own scene.. you know..

I need to assert my own sense of self right now because in the past that is what I didn't do- I completely tried to change myself for a guy to like me affectionately. And then I lost my sense of who I was and my worth.

Right now I don't need to change anything about myself for this guy to like me, for him to think of me as attractive. What ever he thinks is his business but I have times when I feel beautiful and I will not let any guy's ideal of what they think is beautiful undermine my own.

And what I am into - my scene - the same with that too. I am unique and I will celebrate it.

 

[Nanita]

He definitely likes you.. I don't know if he sees you as a friend or more. I really don't know. I can never tell, unless the guy is very obvious.

I once went with a guy (that liked a lot) to his house... we sat down and watched a movie... I sat on a chair and he sat on a couch.... I wanted to be closer to him but he didn't take any initiative and neither did I, cause I was too scared of rejection, obviously... When the movie was over, I started putting on my jacket and said "so I should probably go, it's late..". When I reached the door, he came close to me and litterally begged me to stay... "Please stay... just a little while more, please" and he was smiling and it seemed that he was flirting..... So then I though wow now he MUST make a move on me.... We sat down and watched something else on tv and he did not make a move on me..... Half an hour later I put on my jacket and we said goodbye.... And that was that!!
I thought it was so weird!! Like WHY did he ask me to stay and then not do anything?

Sometimes I don't know what people think or want ..... It's impossible to figure it out.... Unless you ask them I guess?! If you can find the courage, you can ask "do you see me as a friend?" .... I know it's difficult to be so outspoken... But it could give you some clarity!

 

[grapevine]

Wow- that just sounds alot like my situation.

I think I should just take a deep breath and relax and just listen to my instincts. And they tell me that there maybe somewhere in him that likes me- but also that he is just not really into me too. More into himself.

I mean going into his room was like stepping into his world- and although he can be very kind- his head space is completely absorbed in his own world - by that I mean when we talk- he really talks about himself in a high manner- and I know that is part of his illness. It was really odd walking with him around the town because he was in his leather jacket and looking a little scary and I was in my gorgeous white top looking like I was having the time of my life lol. At one point as we were walking around a sideshow he mentioned that as if anyone there would care he was there right then- something like that- but it gives you a portrait of his headspace- where he is in a very high-self absorbed ego trip- but at the same time is a genuine caring person too.

I cannot expect someone to change. But I have learnt that your ego does not make you who you are.. how you behave around others does.

I dont think I could put myself through the heart ache of asking him how he thought of me. I kind of don't want to know. I kind of think I already do. I dont think I am his type- he is so into women with tattoos all over their bodies. And I dont think he sees me as beautiful anyway. And so I guess if I knew- what ever he thought of me- I mean if he liked me- I mean really like me - he would be ringing me up right now right? So that is even enough to answer that I guess.

So I have to see him as just a friend- even if there maybe a minute of something there- its a friend first and foremost. And I can live with that. I remember writing in here weeks and months back- upset because he wouldn't let me into his world - and it made me feel rejected.
But now I am not feeling that anymore. But it does make me feel un-special though and I attach facts to that feeling and it makes me feel worse- like the fact that he tells me that he has been so lonely that he invites mormons around his place- that he just wants some company. So I see that as why he asked me.

But I want to feel special about my own self, my goals and I dont want any guy to counteract that. Because right now I dont know what to think and Ive kind of lost my sense of feeling special. The way for me to do that is to love myself by taking care of the way I eat and having fun exercising and grooming myself. I make it a thing to feel amazing and that makes me feel happy and special. It makes me feel confident and better able to approach people.

I just - you know he should know I am not a guy. Thats all. I am very feminine - I mean I was dressed so nice that night. I went to a surf shop and bought this beautiful lacey kind of see throughy ( I had to by a slip) white singlet top and it was expensive but I loved it- it was me. And even though he may not of seen me as beautiful- at least I did and I guess that is what counts right? Because for so long especially when I was over weight- I could not see that at all and it made me want restrict my life rather than open myself up to it-

I am going to work tomorrow- he wont be there- ( I think I told him I would be there- but I dont think he will be lol) but I am going just to help and also deliver some biscuits I made that were for xmas at home but not all eaten.

I think seeing him at work again- is going to feel a little awkward - but it might help some reflections of what he thought of it anyway. I will have to thank him in any case because overall I did have a good time regardless of the confusion. He is very funny too. But I know that in seeing him back at work I will probably - well I should prepare myself for some emotions there- because anything he may say about that night is probably going to trigger my instincts and make me feel ugly and rejected and all that- and so I just need to prepare for that. I know I must sound really sensitive and if any guy was reading this at all they would probably be in shock of how the littlest things are examined - but I know myself too much to just assume things- Im not in my 20s anymore and I am prepared to ride the waves of life- just with a seat belt!

 

[grapevine]

Um so I'm going to write in here again today - because I'm just all over the place feeling like an idiot really.

So I'm feeling ugly and part of that is because of nye where I ate food I am not used to and haven't eaten in over 6 months and still feel bloated from it. And all the cigarette passive smoke I inhaled all night I am still getting over that!
And now it keeps going around in my head that I'm not pretty I can't feel it because I keep thinking that if I were etc.. And then I'm searching in the mirror for any signs - it's just silly. And making me feel anxious and frustrated and rejected and all those things.

The other stuff I want to write about is going to sound nasty - like really shameful but - I need to put it out there and maybe if I get hurt from u.k.w either directly or indirectly I will at least have this to come back to. And for some reason I just think I look not feminine enough- like not portraying how I feel inside - more girly I guess .

So I'm going to write about the things that I don't like about him - I mean that's healthy right? Well he is a guy that majority of women would not even consider really. He dresses the same clothes most of the time - I think he is particular about that. What else? Well he's lazy and doesn't like to walk lol - and really into himself and his social media. I don't like all the graphic horror he is into and the women he likes with bodies full of tattoos and I don't really like thrash and heavy metal much, and I don't like it when he is really negative about people and really high about himself. I don't like how much he smokes and the fact that he didn't care that he smoked in front of me - and I hated him smoking in his room - he is like a 2 pack a day guy.

There's a lot more - but I can't think right now. Except that I hate that I am all emotionally like this whilst he isn't. And I know that because he's posted stuff on YouTube -
I just wish he could talk to me and tell me if he likes me or show me- other than that I don't want to know. I just keep feeling like a fool- I get dressed up and look amazing to myself and feel special but at the same time I feel invisible - it just reminds me of my past .

I made a goal since last year that I I was going to be more social - more than just work. I need to join stuff and you never know who I may meet.

But it's not that I actively want someone. It's just he had stroked feelings in me that I had forgotten for so long. Like when s guy sleeps - and you hear their breath - deep not like a females - just things like that - it just reminded me of my past and where I wasn't accepted - but used - and I seem to think that he could somehow be attracted to me - tell me I'm beautiful and accept me etc but that is not going to happen - it's just a dream that I have because I somehow think it will fix the past which is faulty thinking anyway.

And I just can't get out of my head something he said I the car - something about us all at work being average looking - I'm not sure what he was tslking about and in what context but I can see that had doesn't think I'm beautiful then - so he is not attracted to me- and it's just making me want to go and try to change my appearance in the mirror - to try on all my clothes and change the way I do my hair and all that / but I know none of it matters - he's just not into me / and he probably can't be anyway, I mean though he was telling me how he made this book to this girl he liked s long time ago for her bday with all things that happened on hat day / etcbut something happened and he got detained in s mental asylum because apparently he followed her or something - and he has gone on about how her face was like an angel etc.. Apparently mariganua caused his illness and I think he even said that he doesn't do that any more - what ever he meant had something to do with women idk. But I just don't think he is anywhere into me - but I will judge that by the next few times I see him.

 

[grapevine]

So I dont know why but the personal storie threads are not showing up

 

[grapevine]

Im feeling it really really bad these last few days but especially last night and today. I feel so depressed that I haven't been able to eat properly and I just am lying in bed most of the time and crying. When I feel its very overwhelming I even go to the floor to lay down and cry -especially the cold hard bathroom floor.

I just feel so depressed. And I know why too. And its ugly. I mean its a cause that is a little humiliating to even write about in here. I mean, on one hand i know the right passage to thinking - like the cognitive path- but on the other hand I have not got many things in my life to attract that cognitive side at the moment - and everything just keeps pointing to the negative. And thus I feel like this : (..

So I guess I should write about it because its in my head and I am feeling really ill from it. Im just going to completely auto- write it out like I do in here- at least so I can see it anyway.

Well, since Ive started working since last year in about March, I made the decision to loose weight ( I was about 82-77 kg and Im not that tall ). I made that decision in about June. I was for the first time in over a decade around men. Something I had completely and deliberately avoided. And I felt this feeling of thinking I could be a whole lot more confident in myself. At that time every time I would arrive at work the guy I now have a crush on at that time would sort of say a pet name for me and play about and always walk behind me to show me where to go - even though at the time I didnt even know what he was doing. At that time he made alot of attempts to get to know me and I kind of shrugged him off- I was'nt really aware of it - and I was dealing with my complete lack of confidence and shyness anyway. There are many times he would come up to me, tease me- all sorts. There was one time I was sitting quietly on the floor reading books - kind of tucked away in the shop one afternoon- and I remember him coming in and asking the other workers if I was still here- and of course I was just on the floor there lol. Then the time I got really sick in winter in July- I was so sick but I didnt want to miss another day. When I went back to work but couldnt talk- I remember he came kind of busting in to see me and say hello in a fast shy way and then he left around the corner again. I also remember that at those times I wasnt really into him- I was into my eBay business- and things that I could buy at the shop there were we working that I could sell. And I was into loosing weight too. I remember then I only really worked the 4 hours two days a week that I was supposed to work- and no more than that. There was one day when a few other workers asked me what days I worked- as they were standing by the counter next to him. I told them the two days- and they (not him) asked me if I work on the weekends and I said blatantly no. I remember the almost distraught look on his face like he had been rejected by me or something - I couldn't forget that. And so after some time I decided to work sometimes on weekends.
He still makes an effort to talk to me at work. But its not like it was. And I think why that is is because since I lost my weight I have also lost my passions an independence for other things other than wanting someone to tell me Im beautiful and romance me. I mean I lost weight because I started to notice him around me and things- it kind of made me feel uncomfortable being large when he was like that- so it just kind of happened naturally that I lost this weight. And now I am 60kg and I dont even try and Im healthy. But I am not healthy in my mind and where I am going.

I feel like everything is screwed up now. Like with my relations with him. I mean, maybe I should have said no to him for nye. Because it got me into his room - even though nothing happened- but I guess it could have - or probably showed him that I am easy. But, also Ive never really been myself to a guy like that before and I took some caffeine tablets that night so that I would be talkative - but I pretty much talked his head off in the car. For hours. I must of. And that is embarrassing - I talked about everything and anything - because I do that in silences. There are things he probably knows about me now that I probably cant remember telling him. And also, I feel like I could be pittied by him- and the only reason that he asked me that day was because he was lonely himself and maybe felt sorry for me.
I just, I just dont know if he is attracted to me or not. I have feelings that he isnt- but then at work sometimes it can feel like I am on his mind and he tries in vein to be around me and play- like he is nervous too. But then he also gets into those times when he is that blank faced person - and I think that is a medication thing.

But what I am depressed about is that I have been, well - its hard to explain. I mean, so over 6 months I have lost over 20 kg. And now I am lean and a healthy weight for my height. Over that time- nearly every month I had started to wear fashionable clothes. At first it was long sleeve tops - and then tees and then slightly cropped tees and then now only recently have I started to wear singlet type tops. Like I have been into fashion now and have been actually looking in the mirror and having some fun. I have thought that I have looked very pretty at times and its made my confidence sky rocket. I mean - I dont feel like that everyday but - when I have made an effort and felt good inside- it has made me feel happy.
But now I feel like - when I do feel pretty- its not what other people see. And I know I cannot expect that - but I think the majority do not see it. And the reasons are because of things that have been said and not said around me. I just dont get it. I can look in that mirror on my best of days and see a very pretty woman (and yes sounds very egotistic I know- but honest) - and yet I never really get any compliments other than about my weight, and I got upset last night because there was a photo of me as a toddler I found - and my mom said that I looked pretty THERE.. like I dont anymore or something- anyways I took it completely personal and stuff. I just keep having in my head sitting in the car with 'him' and he said something about everyone at work is average looking and then also the time he told me about how the girl he had many years ago that was evil but had a face like an angel.. and emphasised on that.. and goes on about her all the time. You know, I guess I am just not pretty like I see in the mirror. Maybe its just a distortion I dont know. My esteem in that area is that when I was a teenager before I got sick when I was 13 or older- I had many boys ask me out and say all kind of nice things, and girls got jealous- so I guess I have that in my looks self esteem. I know this must sound completely egotistical and stuff but I used to have body dysmorphia for a while and I guess because I have been delving into boys and dressing up- and havent done any of that in a very very long time- I guess I am immature in that department.
But Ive been getting very depressed because seeing myself as pretty in the mirror has made me be the cause of having a good day. Now that I think that most people see me as not that- its kind of warped that feeling into not trusting myself - and I guess that goes back to when I was abused too- If I trust that I look beautiful and yet other people dont see me as beautiful ??
I know its better for me to trust it- because it makes me confident and happy. But where does the reality sit? And I am upset because clearly - 'he' most likely doesn't think I am pretty - or attractive and that hurts because I guess he was a reason why I changed myself as sad as that sounds.

Why is it that I can be over-weight and unhappy and all I want is to be slim and stuff and dress better and then when I am in those things - I become consumed by insecurity and desperately want reassurance by a guy? I just want to stop it all. Those insecurities. They are making me feel really ill. But its just having that ray of confidence and dressing up- but then knowing that your not what you thought you were. I dont know its just really confusing.

The other thing is about him. Like I said, I think its all ruined now. I dont even think he would ever even go on my Facebook page. I just dont think he is into me- or wants to be. And that makes me feel very depressed because I thought otherwise and have changed myself because of it. Because I wanted to feel confident and actually like myself if at all a guy did like me. I mean if he did like me, he would have done alot of things - like right now- he could contact me. But I just want to forget about it- I want to be that girl was when I didnt care much about him- where I cared about my eBay shop (which I haven't even bothered to do for sometime because Ive been consumed by this!) - I was happy even when he wasnt there.
I want that back- but I dont want to be overweight again though.

Doesnt he see what he had done by asking me for my number then, and taking me out and then to his place? I know he thinks that I dont want a relationship- and I know that I am not ready for something like that because I am un-stable as you can see.. but I just dont get him- I mean am I that plain and jane and un-attractive. I mean I was - I took alot of effort into dressing up that night- I wore this see-through ( I had a slip on underneath)white expensive silk sleeveless top on - it looked so pretty on me I thought. I guess I have to point out again that he was very much into his own ego stuff in his mind. And that is a mental health thing- and I can see how he can just be consumed by his own ego world.

But anyway- what ever Ive been going on about- - its just going to be really weird going back to work in a few days time and seeing him there. Because I have been very shy around him all the time at work. Like he would even make a joke about it and call out my name and stuff in a spooky way that is. See, now ive been to his place- we have talked alot--... now what??? I gaurentee he will just be the same- like it will be awkward again. But what will be missing is that mystery I guess. I dont know.

Someone please tell me how to get my head out of the clouds- thinking about him and things he would never probably do- and back into my own life again.. where I can feel great and excited about my own life again- without him! Regardless of if he likes me or not. Because I feel like I want to get beyond this- Im not a teenager- I am in my early 30s!

 

[grapevine]

Well I had a really bad day- but I am feeling better now. I think I got to such a low point today where just insecurity completely consumed me because I had been trying to hide it rather than be mindful of it. And its just I am completely new to all the stuff again- boys and looks and all that stuff- I have avoided it all for so long that my beliefs inside or my I guess you could say my long term immaturity/desires or expectations of what would happen if I actually was feeling good about myself and actually going out and being social and around boys etc.. I have had unrealistic expectations in me - and because they havent come true - its like a kid in a lolly shop not being able to get what they want! Ive been so silly!!!
I had such high expectations from a guy and from social things- and I think the reason is because of my past abuse - I was this and that - I didnt look good enough or act a certain way.. even though it was a long time ago- and I had do an awful lot to heal from that- I think because I am for once in a very long time being social again - I even unconsciously want someone to fix those things for me - and that is where this insecurity lies. As much as I feel I have fixed it and I feel pretty content most of the time- well Im not dying in emotional pain is what I mean. But being around a guy I like - has seemed to bring all of this stuff to the surface and make me incredibly insecure and superficial really badly this week. Like wanting to know am I okay.. all that stuff. And I should never of posted my picture when I am so fragile and silly like that. But I feel like if I remove it Im saying I am insecure- so I will just leave it there and not go there. BUT - I am happy to report that I had a good sense of SENSE- tonight!! I mean I am still raw and could probably fall into pieces at the next tiny comment or so right now- but I wrote in my other diary - as my higher self and it was really something that made me feel so much better.
That I am way more than how I look - and that is what people see- how I am to them and how I am to myself. And if I like myself in the mirror even if other people cannot see it - that is okay- at least I feel happy in those times and that makes me happy to others and that is what counts. Because we all have our own thing' and I can say that I am more, much more than what any guy can judge me on my looks for. I dont want to go another day and feel this bad again~ I am not going to base how I look on whether a guy likes me anymore. Nor am I going to base how I was either. I am just me and I can be awesome - esp when I make toliet jokes lol

 

[grapevine]

So I'm still feeling this god damn insecurities. I am going back to work tomorrow and he will be there of course. And I really just don't want to be feeling this way - it's just an awful feeling. He is so into women that I am not. And now I even have been thinking about trying make up. Something that I haven't worn in over - or more than a decade. And yet I find myself thinking that should I be really buying makeup I mean it's just Lush stuff but - is it really just an attempt to try to show someone that I could be pretty? Is that wrong to do? I know I will just get disappointed - like I've said before - he is just not going to say to me that he finds me attractive or pretty or anything - I just don't think that will happen - and yeah that hurts but at the same time I guess it's good to recognise again that I cannot get things from people like that - only I can fill that hole. Yet at the same time here I am in the afternoon trying in all my tops trying to find something 'different' to wear because I'm not good enough. Because honestly I feel like a plain Jane and not at all the highs that had felt in the past / I fell quite depressed and low. Well I am wearing pink tomorrow as a reflection of how I feel inside - that I am female and not a boy - just so he knows that! I just feel like I've been played s little abc rejected. I mean, why did he ask me out like that and then yet when we get to his place - it's like he couldn't even look at me. It just reminds me of the past when this guy just sat at the computer all the time - regardless of me being there - but that was the past and this is a different person and everything. He just was more interested in watching a film than actually being around me it felt and to sit so far away- and yes I know that he knows about my fear or men and stuff. But can't he understand that by inviting me like that could mean something to me you know? I mean I guess- I am just going to see him as a friend and continue to just be myself around him. And I am not expecting anything to happen tomorrow- I can almost predict what will happen though and that will be that I will thank him when I get in for that night and then there may be times he might play around if he is not serving and then that will be it. I know undoubtky that tomorrow after work I will be upset and I am preparing for that. As much unrealistic as my mind goes with girlish dreams of this guy being things that he probably cannot even be - o just can't shake it off - I have to just acknowledge it and ride the emotional waves that come. And hey, I know that relationships - like healthy ones are not exactly what you get out of someone but more about fun and no expectations anyway. I just feel to him that I am not attractive and not important and because I have a crush on him - thinking this way makes me feel incrediably hurt and not only that but ugly and all sorts of bad things. I know I need to get into something to take my mind off all of this and find some sort of passion- but because I feel so down - it can be hard to commit to anything and that is why I keep putting off my eBay store. Something I should be doing. I just really hate that the comparison of how I felt in June last year - I was overweight and hardly ever looked in he mirror and my ideal time was spent eating chocolate and watching stuff on my laptop and taking care of my animals - okay I did not care that he was there at work or not then - and yet he shows me hints that he likes me - even when I was like that - hating myself and it felt like a soft pillow if acceptance - that I was okay .. And I was flattered too. And yet now I have been over his place and we have watched films together and laughed and I've slept on his couch - and yet now it feels like spikey hard cold floor I'm falling on. I feel like I am not good enough and never will be and yet want to keep changing myself - how I look and how I act - I feel so insecure and rejected and it just feels like because I am unbattractive and not warm hearted - these insecurities are really making me ill. He is not all that at all - and I say that even though I like him. I just want everything to be nice again - to feel wanted was an incredible feeling and I guess I had my life back then - where as now all he changes I have made have consumed me. When I go in tomorrow I just want to be happy - because I harm the this frustration and depression and rejection / it is making me feel so ugly inside and out - literally so - I mean like very sad and depressed as though nothing could fix it .. I think tomorrow I will just concentrate on work - and try to make the day a happy one somehow- maybe it might just be okay to be back in the norm - but it's not norm anymore not around him? Anyway I need to find my values again - I don't have to feel super dopper tomorrow - I just have to try to believe in my value I guess. I just doubt it that he will ever ask me out again - and could he just somehow hint or acknowledge what that was even and what exactly his intentions were? I'm guessing I don't like the answer and because right now I am not liking myself and thinking I am so ugly and all that - that I am just not wanting to know. But I am sure that something will happen tomorrow that will make me want to drive out in my break and ball my eyes out and probsbly re-enforce
My negative feelings about myself. I just don't want to believe that though - I want to try and make it a good day.

 

[grapevine]

It's like 2:30 am and I cannot sleep but I just had to joy this stuff down in here because I am feeling much better than I had been these past few days ( and it could because of primrose oil lol )- but anyway here I am lying down with the lights off listening to movie scores and feeling all romantic and a hint of adventurous in myself. And I've just really had the same thoughts over and over and feelings too - that I really just need to give myself credit and be kind to myself. All this stuff about looks and guys and trying to be some great goddess to them is a lot of bluff. And what I have thinking is that my idea of beauty and I'm talking looks and persona and grace is I think very different to the guy that I have a silly crush on. I like what I like and that is how I will dress and even try makeup . I'm not going to adhere to what I think others may like that would make me a crazy person. I do know that 'he' likes so called beautiful women - with arms full of tattoos and black eyeliner .. And then there are those blondes with makeup piled on and big eyebrows- what I am saying is that I don't like that and I'm not like any of those girls he thinks are beautiful so why would he think I am? It's just an odd shot. But who cares about him. I am actually a little excited to start to try some make up from lush - I've always been allergic to most makeup so I hope these o can play around with and when I'm ready wear. I think I am happy when I'm exploring my femine side - but only a little because there is an element of judging yourself and that can be a bad thing ESP when you relate that to social phobia. So anyway- I do need to sleep and I hope I have an okay day tomorrow.

 

[grapevine]

Feel like I want to change everything about myself. I want to feel the best that I am inside and out- and I don't feel like that at all. I feel so un-special and plain and all that. It really is hurtful. I mean I feel like my best me is not even good enough. I am waiting in the mail for my Lush makeup- believing that I can change the way I look for the better. But this is just re-affirming my belief that I am nothing special. My confidence had run away- and I dont know how to get it back?

Yet I feel like because its a new year and everything - I want to completely change myself again. I was watching people in the shop today. There was one girl who had so much confidence in her. I wished I had that.

I just hate that I know what it feels like to have that confidence and yet now Im lost without it. And it leaves me feeling frail and vunerable around people and I dont want that- I want to be strong again and trust in myself.

I am a Sagittarius and I always strive for things- always have goals and always get highly motivated often. When I am not happy with myself- it makes me motivated to change. I mean I changed an awful lot last year. I changed my appearance big time and completely overcame so many things that its not funny.

But now its 2016 - the next year and I am looking at Autumn and winter coming soon and where I want to be - who I want to be. And what I dont want to be. What I dont want to be now and how I can change that for the future.

 

[grapevine]

Things have been up and down and even getting in a deep depression.

So I cant get out of my head something that X(crush) said at new years- and that was that he thought everyone was average looking at work- but I am not sure exactly what he said and what context and if he was including me or not - or if he was talking about something completely different. But anyway, ever since that- and the fact that there was no romance in that night - and even that I dressed up and thought I looked amazing.. and the fact that someone even mentioned that I should keep in mind that he could have been just lonely, and then there are the little things from today- like I accidently left this book on body image in the kitchen at work and he sees it and just says cool- like I know its a very far fetch ideal to expect someone to say something nice or re-assuring.. but I cant help but feel like its adding fuel to the belief I keep having about my appearance.

That I just want to change everything about it. That I am not attractive. It just makes me really sad- because it feels like he gets near me and then doesn't like me like that - or something. I feel like its because he knows my history that I am shy around guys - that I am not sexy to him because he knows that I wouldn't even let him near me- like when he teases me and tries to brush up against me on purpose- because he knows I go funny- but what he doesn't know is that I do like him and I go funny because of that- and because I would like to snuggle up with him - so badly - but at the same time I would not want to make the mistake that sleeping with a guy equates to him liking you and more. I just don't know what to do. I am not in a stable position to ask him if he likes me because I wouldn't want to know-.

But I just feel that he has gone completely off me- and its awkward when we are together because he jokes around but also constantly goes away to smoke or talk to other people- those are signs to me that he doesnt want to be around me- but I also feel like its me- that I have shown him through my body language and walking away from him a lot that I am not attracted to him- yet I feel like if I showed him I was that would scare him away because apparrently men like to chase? I am just confused.

 

[grapevine]

I want to go back to the past when I didn't care much about what I looked like and how I presented myself. Its gotten so obsessive now- I just keep wanting to change how I look and get all too consumed by little things- like what I am going to wear and how my face looks. I hate being this way!!!!!!

I just want to feel attractive and its gone. Just from a comment that who knows what it meant and from me feeling like a fool that someone could even be attracted to me. And yet I have to spend time around him and it just makes me so confused and I feel like his actions of not asking me to hang out after work again confirm that he is not attracted to me or that I ruined it by my social phobia and coldness.

Its like I just want to show everyone what I usually feel like inside- I have always loved being compassionate and giving- and forgetting about myself. But now that I take care of myself- its like it has tipped over the edge and now it seems that my life is all about wanting someone to find me attractive and that is it. I am not being the person I was- I am not even hanging out and looking after all my animals properly anymore.

And yet, because I am so consumed by heartache and the belief that I am not beautiful like I had thought - now I just don't have the heart and energy to be that person I was- or better than that.

And I dont know how to erase these feelings. I mean they happen everytime I am around guys now- I see they are not attracted to me- I am not attractive I am just plain and invisable. And I shouldnt even care about all this but when I have had all these emotions and from my past- it rips into everything.

I just want to show my warm side from my exterior and intierior- I want to show that inside I am not cold and ridgid and man like- I am romantic and a dreamer and a hopeful person. I want to show that in how I am around people and how I take care and my appearance. But when I look in the mirror now, all I see is that I dont look like that- and it makes me really sad.

And then, what that does is stop me from even being friendly and genuinely happy to approach X and other people. Because all I want to do is sink and hide because I feel so so vunerable and sensitive from insecurity.

How do I turn this around? I mean I used to dance in the mirror and have fun and laugh at myself- now I ..
I just feel like my heart drops to the floor.

The other thing is that not too long ago - I had my own life- I wasn't consumed by wanting to impress some guy that I loose myself. I had all my hobbies- I was into politics and would watch question time with anticipation, I loved looking after my animals and I loved gardening, I loved going to the library and getting new films, I loved watching films and tv shows, I loved playing outside at dusk with my animals, I loved going out into nature and befriending the wildlife and knowing all the plant names..

But now... Ive lost myself- I mean I havent even cashed all my work checks for about over a month. I am just lost. I want my world back but better. I just dont know.

 

[grapevine]

So I have decided to give up on him. I really feel that there is nothing there- that maybe its just my social phobia thinking things? Anyway my decision lies in the fact that he has schizophrenia and like today - he was not 'there'. What I mean by that is that okay- well I worked up the courage to give him a box of chocolates to say thankyou for new years. But because of his illness and that 'not there' mindset- he just said - 'I'll put them in the fridge'. No excitement or thankyou etc. And he cannot help it. But he was very withdrawn the whole time at work- and alot of times now. It seems that he will come up to me just to tell me something factual about work that I might need to know- or I might be in the way and assume he came up to me to talk to me - when in fact he just wanted to lock the roller door etc.
And each time all these things happen - in a mix of either friendly or flirting- it makes me feel very dependent to get affection from him and I loose myself.

I mean, he got told not to park where he usually does, so guess what? I he unknowingly parks where I usually do - leaving me to park on the other side of the road. He is just clueless and I just dont even think he has any 'thing' for me anyway- not like he used to.

So what I am going to do is what I used to do. I am only required to work 4 hours anyway. And I will do just that and not the whole day anymore. My health is not great because of this crush. I mean I dont think there is ever going to be another invite or anything. I need to cut my losses and flee.

So as much as I crave hanging out with him- its getting to the point where I just keep getting disappointed and start to have negative feelings about myself because of it. I am just for 2 months now going to concentrate on my ebay business and also getting some exercise in. I just want to be passionate like I was before.

There is a hint that I cannot lie about to myself. And that is that I feel like if I spend less time there at work and not actually care about him anymore to some degree- then it might make him chase me again like what used to happen. But I know I am kidding myself.

From now on I am I dont care what he does or doesn't do. Im not saying I cant be nice and friendly I will always be that- but I am not going to emotionally invest myself in him anymore- it was a thin line anyway considering his condition. I am a bit depressed and have been sleeping alot but I think if I can get on with my OWN stuff and not be all intwined by this crush -and put all my effort into my business- then I think that is a good thing.

And who knows? I might get a surprise? Either him or someone else might actually want to enter my life and know about me. Who knows whats in store?

But I want to be that passionate person again. And be free and not have these narrow minded thoughts that I am not good enough or pretty enough or I dont look how so and so would like me to look. I mean he every now and then says I should get a tattoo- like as if I had one then I would be attractive to him? What ever! Grow up! I am not the lady with the dragon tattoo- which are a bit like what the so called 'beautiful women' on his facebook page look like. They dont appeal to me, so why would I be trying to fit his mould of attractive?

So anyway, I have also go in touch with an old girlfriend and hoping to meet up with her next week end. That should give me some perspective any way.

And today I had fun regardless of what 'he' was like. Its such a contrast to be laughing away with some ladies and young girl, talking and all sorts- and he comes past very blank looking and not happy and factual. Like I said he cant help it- but its a contrast.

I felt good for listening to this other lady that works there today. I actively listened to her for like an hour - talk about her problems and family stress and she even got all upset. I felt honoured that she could talk to me like that and proud that I could leave my headspace and even that eagerness to butt in - and just actively listen to her. it was really good.

So yeah, I was just thinking about that Grease film. What a stupid film. No woman should have to change herself for a man-

I just cannot wait until autumn sets in and there winter. Because those are the times when I feel more comfortable and romantic with my life. Things calm down, my animals get fresh grass and dont bother me much, and the sounds of fresh rain and cool breeze. And also I have a silly notion- a hope that things will get better when the season changes. I do hope that I can maybe resolve my issues with 'him' - because time passes and things change.

But right now- I am not going to work on weekends- and I am only going to work for a short time too. But there is usually a Friday where we hang out and I am sick of him always talking about wanting the day to end and to get home. Whilst he is around me. And you know what? I dont even have to be there- I am only there because he is there and I have a crush on him- and that makes me think - what an idiot~! But anyway, I will decide on those Fridays on the spot whether to go home or not. And I know I am wanting to show him that I dont have to be there, that if he wants me there= then let me know. As if that is going to happen. IDK.

If I put him out of my mind and carry on with things I am interested in- then yeah- whether he will want to be around me or not is his call but he does lack initative- so Im going to say its a long shot. Either way- I am slowly going to expand my life and also have my own comfortable world back again- not like it has been- feeling so hard on myself because of frustrations with him. I mean everything at home has been about trying to impress him- from my huge pile of clothes I have - to make up I recently bought. Even to a hair dye rinse I put in last night. All in an attempt to get him to notice me more and be affectionate. But you know what? Dying my hair is not me- and dressing up was never really me either. Im just going to be me from now on and I don't care about his world anymore. As harsh as that sounds. It has to happen.

Last winter, I watched a whole load of 90210 (the modern ones) and I loved the character Naveed- I mean he would be the best boyfriend- he was the package! I mean why would I want someone in my life that has a mental condition that makes it hard to even be affectionate?

So I am going to re-watch those shows from the begining again- jsut to get my kicks and perspective of things. I mean every night I dont even watch tv - I usually do social media and then perhaps concern myself about what I am going to wear and when and how to change what I look like- its just been so stupid and limiting. I want to be able to be in my own space and accept myself again and have it be a soft place to land. And not be so caught up in looks and all that anymore. I draw the line from now on. Until late autumn, I am not going to care that much anymore. I say a date because I want to be able to make that extended time.

So in late autumn also, if I am happy with myself and passionate about my world once again and have made some more friends and rekindled old friendships and if in that time I still have feelings for 'him' and if at that time I feel that he may too- then I may actually just let go of my inhibitions and hint those feelings big time, and if nothing happens then I will at least know by then. His loss.

 

[grapevine]

So actually to understand whatI am dealing with having a crush on someone with schizophrenia and myself thinking I am un-attractive or this and that because he hasn't showed interest - I think I will look at this just to remind myself that its not me exactly-
things that he may be dealing with:

Anhedonia: This is characterized by the inability to experience pleasure. The person with schizophrenia may find nothing in life pleasurable. No activity, no hobby, nothing. Since nothing seems pleasurable while experiencing anhedonia and other negative symptoms, their overall functioning may become extremely impaired.

Apathy: The person may no longer care about anything or become apathetic. This is characterized by a “lack of emotion,” interest, and concern. In other words the person with schizophrenia may become indifferent to important aspects of life. This leads to neglect of social, emotional, physical, and cognitive aspects of life. There is a lack in overall sense of purpose and the person may appear very sluggish. This is also very common among individuals with dementia.

Avolition: Inability to initiate work towards goal-oriented activities. As a result, this makes productivity on a job or at school very difficult. The person with schizophrenia may have zero interest or drive to participate in social activities for long periods of time. This is one of the 5 main negative symptoms of schizophrenia. This is different than anhedonia in the respect that individuals with avolition may want to complete a task, but they do not have even an ounce of motivation to finish it.

Alogia (Poverty of Speech): A key negative symptom that psychiatrists look for to diagnose a person with schizophrenia is alogia. This is considered a form of aphasia, which is a form of impairment when it comes to speech-related functioning. This is often found among individuals with dementia as well as mental retardation. The person with schizophrenia is unable to come up with any material to contribute to conversation and they may not be able to respond to questions.

Asociality: This specifically refers to lack of motivation to partake in social interactions accompanied by the preference for solitary activities. This is common among introverts and people with schizoid personality disorder. In schizophrenia, this symptom can makes the person want to avoid socialization.

Blunted or Flat affect: The individual may lack emotions or experiencing what’s called a “flat affect.” This is essentially the inability to feel any emotion – they are blunted. Subtract all forms of emotion and they have no desire to do anything.
Difficulty in abstract thinking: It may be difficult for the person with this illness to think with any degree of complexity. They may be able to think in very simple terms, but they will not be able to solve complex problems, plan ahead or organize their thoughts. This is likely due to functional deficits in the prefrontal cortex.

Emotional withdrawal: The person with schizophrenia doesn’t share their emotions with others and doesn’t remain open about how they feel. They retreat and keep their emotions to themselves. This coincides with social withdrawal so basically the person no longer shares anything with the world.

Flat expressions: The person may lack emotional expression which may be noticeable when they speak or are involved in a conversation. They may have an inexpressive face, appear dazed or boring, have a very flat or unemotional voice, and be unable to make eye contact. They may stare at you blankly while you are talking and not produce any sort of facial-emotional response to any outside stimuli.

Lack of motivation: The individual may experience significant problems getting motivated to hold down a job, get dressed in the morning, or perform simple tasks. They may not take care of themselves and severely lack personal hygiene and forms of self-care. There is no enthusiasm or inspiration to fuel the person to take action in a certain direction.

Lack of relationships: The person with schizophrenia may have no social ties or any sort of relationships. This is due to their impaired cognitive functioning, as well as poverty of speech, and lack of emotion. The totality of the negative symptoms makes it difficult for anyone to form relationships – even with family members.

Lack of spontaneity: The individual with schizophrenia has a difficult time being spontaneous, especially in social conversations. If you discuss a certain topic with the person, they may not know how to adequately carry on a conversation that relates to what you were talking about. Similarly, they will be unable to transition or make connections to the topic.
Poor rapport: The person is unable to create any sort of emotional bond or connection with another person. This is evidenced in conversation and lack of social connections.

Social withdrawal: The person may experience passive or apathetic social withdrawal. They may not have any friends and completely withdraw from society. At a younger age before onset of the illness, they may have had friends. Schizophrenia causes individuals to completely withdraw from social functioning.

Speech difficulties / abnormalities: The individual may not speak much, even if they are in a situation where they are forced to interact. They also may exhibit confusing speech or abnormal speech during a conversation.

Stereotyped thinking: An individual with stereotyped thinking often has repetitive thoughts that interfere with their ability to think. The person holds certain beliefs that are unreasonable and could be excessive. Basically an individual may be able to talk about a certain topic, but will be unable to transition to talking about something new. Some people have their conversational ability limited to very few topics or their conversation seems highly repetitive.

Unawareness of environment: The individual may be unaware of their current situation or environment. This results in a state of confusion and disorientation.

So I reckon I have seen majority of these behaviours in him except for the last one. And that is why I shouldnt beat myself up- because I think its something I have said or done - that Im not this and that- etc. Its very hard to know what is going on- and its been really difficult because he has shown me at times he likes me then alot of the time he doesnt.. and i cant go with normal men behaviour. But I am guessing that despite the above - if he did like me- than regardless- of all that- there would be something right? I dont know. But my post before is my righteous path anyway.

 

[grapevine]

Completely over everything now- not in a good way but in a I don't care about anything anymore way. I am so in apathy right now - I should be at work but I'm parked in my car at the beach. I m just so fed up with everything. I just want to reside again. I feel so unhappy because for so long I've been unsocial - for so long like decades and then when I am actually social - I find out that to most people around me I am not special - everything - everyone around me by little things that are said by the way guys act even - they are all telling me that I am not beautiful and I am not special and I am not pretty even though I thought that just could be. And I know that people have their own agendas but it really does hurt an awful lot why you make the time to for once in your life make an effort on your appearance and then have work mates talk to you about how georgeous certain girls are and even the guy I have had a crush on ( decided to give up on) even told me to my face that his ex that never happened had the face of an angel and that I should think of a hot celebrity to compare to show how pretty she was I mean to my face- and then he invited me on New Years and asks
My number and not one romantic thing - I even was reading a body image book at work the other day -and he looked at it - read the cover how it said about do you think your not pretty etc.. And he just said cool. Even my mum when I have dressed up lately to go out in things I have never even worn before - it's like it's completely avoided that she say I look nice or anything. I just feel that all this is too overwhelming right now- in my head I have felt amazing at times but then through others I see that I am not attractive like I thought I was. Even this morning at work there was a comment I was standing with this lady I work with waiting for something and she said well we're not here for our looks and laughed. So obviously my reflection of how I see myself as pretty is not universal at all - and I'm ashamed to admit it but it has been a value of mine. And I hate that I I thought that if I lost weight and dressed better and made an effort for once that I would get compliments but I never ever do. I mean i have one compliment from this old lady at work who always tells me I've lost a lot of weight - but she always hesitates to say I look pretty or anything like that - same with mum- it's hesitated. So I feel uneasy because I'm getting feelings like 'hermit' feelings like I just want to hide myself away again- that no matter what I do to myself I will never be good enough to have just one compliment - and I just feel that because I was emotionally abuses in my past u just want someone to tell me that stuff - I just need some nice reflection from those around me - because I feel like nothing.