Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

Just so not well. I just cant do anything with any hint of happiness these days. I am so wrapped in my body image issues that all I want to do is sleep and hide and get away from it. But then I look in the mirror. One of the main things that I get emotional about is my face because as I have lost weight, I have saggy cheeks now- and it is so evident when I wake up- its like my face has slid down literally and I can feel it- and I hate it- it looks so terrible. And I have found that I can probably get rid of this issue by doing facial exercises and creating muscle in my face to support the skin- but that means I have to face it and it takes time - and it causes me depression.

The other issue is my hair that I have basically destroyed. And that is a waiting game to grow out too. But in general I just feel so ugly - that my face is not okay- that I am male looking and not attractive and not pretty or anything like that - and I have so many things to support that from my past and from now- and it makes me want to hide so bad. It makes me feel like I do not deserve affection and will never get it because of the way I look. And also because of the way my personality is towards others. There are so many things that are really hard to not remember - things that were said to me about me- they can be haunting.

All I ever wanted to was feel attractive for once and try to let the past be the past. But it just feels like I am in some way re-living it - but its worse because I am around other people too-

Its very hard when you feel just so ugly. I went to work yesterday. When I promised myself I wouldnt work on a weekend. But when I woke up I was so depressed and felt so lonely that the only thing I could think of was to do something - and the thought of seeing a lady friend I work with was a bit of comfort. But turns out she wasnt there. But he was and another guy. But I had the back to myself. And I just cleaned the hell out of it and got a little creative. the whole time I was just by myself which was good. And then I left. And that is whatI hate- I hate being anywhere near him- when I feel so bad about myself. And on top of that- when its like plasay' when he says goodbye- like I dont matter in a way- he used to walk me to the door and open it for me. I spent so much time thinking that it was my sp too. Because I would be so non-caring and all that- non-responsive - the things you do when you are frozen.

Anyway. Its so hard. I want to get back to a point in my life where I was happy and content with my reflection in the mirror. I worked on my insecurities and had a windfall of confidence- but then I realised that others didnt see it and started to fall back into my past - and then got anxious and then started to want to change myself so that they could see me as I saw myself - but then I got way too obsessed with wanting to change myself that I destroyed who I was and what I liked about myself. And now I am dealing with the hard yards of trying to re-find myself again and finding it really hard to nurture myself.

Its just so hard.When I look in the mirror- I just see things I do not like. And I think one of the worst things that has made me feel so obsessed with this is that the guy I liked - that he has so much importance on a girls face and looks I am pretty sure. And for a time I jsut wanted to be that person that he liked again. It just doesn't get me- because he liked me when I was very overweight. I was happy but shy. And he liked me when I lost my weight too. But when he said to me for some unknown reasons that he could never get over the girl from his past because she was like the brad pit of women kind of thing. Saying that to my face- made me feel so rejected and ugly at a time when I felt good about myself. And it re-surfaced my abusive past. That I will never be good enough. Never be pretty. etc.
And I lay so much importance on it- because of my past- because I just want it undone.

Im laying in bed on a sunday lunchtime. I was very unwell last night and vomited from womens issues. I havent eaten anything all day. Thats the thing, I just feel so ill, that I just want to lay in bed all day and I dont feel like eating - I dont want to get up and face my face or face my lonliness or face the hurt that men bring - because to me- men are very hurtful- they care about women's looks too much - they judge us and go on the internet and like women that have painted faces and photo shopped bodies and call them attractive and stuff - and if you happened to be blonde then you are worthy more. I just hate all that stuff- I want to run away from it like I used to. Men can seem like they accept you and like you- but then actually they really only bring you down and make you feel so insecure - they feed it by evaluating women by what they look like.

 

[grapevine]

I mean, I go on my private journal (not this one)- on my laptop and start to write in a way that gets me motivated to change- because I have always done that- it is something that I feel proud about myself - that I always have hope.

I believe that I have the power to create my own environment to some extent. So my life is not great- and so I try to needle in on those things making me so un-happy- the things that I can change - and the things that I cannot - I try to be mindful of.
And I know I cannot control things- but I do have power over making my life happy to some extent. One of the things is that I still feel like I need to have a huge break from this guy at work- because on friday he was around me for a while and it just stirred things up- he has a problem with being normal around me anyway- partly because of his schiz - and it just confuses me. And also I become so either fake or montone around him- because I feel so insecure. I just dont want to even been seen around him for ages. I did try to change my days then my boss made a fuss about it because it would mean paperwork and insurance and stuff - and it would probably be hard to change it back- so I just left it instead. But I find it hard to be around that guy- at a time when I feel like I do- I really want to hide away from everyone at work. And I feel like I could get away with it.

But it seriously makes me so ill. This guy. He is so obsessed with womens faces - yet so normal at work. I want to run away from myself.

 

[grapevine]

So I just don't want to be seen or heard. That is how I feel. I don't want to have to work hard for anyones affection either. Even if a guy fell for me right now- I just wouldn't have the emotional energy to even want it. I am just so tired of everything.

I want to so desperately not see that guy at work. He makes me feel so annoyed and confused and insecure. I just cant ask my boss again to work on different days- she has been in a bad mood for weeks and it would seem weird too- and the fact that it would be hard to get my normal days back (because they do work for me) would be that much harder too.

I just feel that even if a guy liked me - that there would be so much work on myself to get myself a life more than my tiny socially phobic one - and I would have to work so much on my looks too and also on my fears and all. I just never feel good enough.

I jsut want to heal myself- get myself away from all this imploding - of all this stuff about boys and having to be a certain way- look a certain way- all that stuff- I want to throw it all away. I want to give up on anything to do with that world again. Not for a long time. I just want things to be neutral. Calm, where I dont have to be not good enough or all about looks- I dont have to be evaluated - where I am okay as I am. Where I feel accepted and enough.

I just really hate all this men stuff. I really do. Right now I do. I am deciding to go back to where I used to be- where I didnt even think about guys. I did my own thing. So I jsut want to concentrate on my ebay and get motivated on that.

I dont know. Everything seems so hard and lack of motivation. I know that I want to in the future join things and meet people - but the way I am right now- I am not liking myself- and I hate my hair that is ruined right now- Im waiting for that to grow back!

I am just not okay with myself and I feel so tired. Too tired to change my self.

 

[grapevine]

Its the worst thing when you get up and look in the mirror and see your face sagged significantly. Every morning I just dont want to get up because of this and because of things and depression is at its worst. I get so tired and just want to sleep.
I cant believe how bad my face gets - the sagging is unreal. And I know that I need to do facial exercises to fight it- but its hard to get that motivation when you want an instant change. I guess my skin just stretched when I was overweight and now just hangs in the morning.

I just hate feeling so ugly and rejected. And I hate seeing myself like this. All I want to do is to be able to quickly change this- to get rid of these things that are bothering me- to fix or do what ever I can to change them- so I can be on that page again- the one where I get up in the morning and want to go out- where I juice in the morning, where I dance in the mirror and have fun again, where I have my natural hair back and where my health and body image is something of nurture and proudness and not something that makes me feel like hiding from the world again- not something that makes me feel so uncomfortable in my own skin.

 

[grapevine]

just hate how there is nothing like a high from certain people in particular that can make you feel a little special and feminine. That feeling can be like a drug and make you naive a bit. Because in my situation, I haven't much experience to go on and the slightest hint of flirting and attention now- its a hard place to fall from come home time- come reality.

Come my reality. Come social phobia. Come knowing that that person doesn't really care- doesnt really want me in their life and probably doesnt even consider me attractive like those women he likes. But yet he is weird to me. I just hate that, the entertaining part- the part that suggests things to me- but maybe not to him- the part that makes me have to re-live rejection over and over - to make me feel like I am not good enough, or how can I be not so boring with this social phobia.

Its hurtful, because I know that him and others at work see me as boring and without a life and those things I probably believe myself at this point. And it brings me back to my past too- where your not entertaining enough, not good enough unless you face your fears and be social. Its not said, but I feel that most people I work with see me as socially dependent on my job- and they are right. And that is embarrassing.

But I have always been resilient- always had a higher self telling me I am better than this and always have had goals and a big landscape of imagination, of better. And right now, things arent as bad as they have been, but I am still a sad sack. I still crave what is unhealthy- I dont really know exactly what I want - but I do know that is all I feel and I think after all this time - of trying to get away from it, of trying to change myself to get to it, of trying just about everything under the sun to try and resolve it- I think that this time I am just going to to go for it. And I dont really know what I mean by that in detail- but in abstract that means being the best I can be to myself. I want security, I want love, I want romance- those things I think I have ways of giving those things to myself- I think I do. Yeah it sounds a bit sad

- but I think the way I have been living for probably 6 months now have all been about trying to impress- about trying to be better, be different, about forcing someone to see me- but what I had been doing was loosing myself in that time- to the point now that when it comes to talking to that person - I virtually have nothing to say.

I am a blank person- far different to that person I was before all this. So, I know that I just cannot shake this off, and I know that that person is not a healthy person to be around and expectations are not to be and everything, I surely know that. But, he is the source of why I feel so rejected, and I am becoming a believer in quantum physics in relation to beliefs and decisions to some degree- and its becoming more entertaining to me to value myself for myself and not for anyone else. But it is hard, its a hard thing to do.

I gather that if I just try to forget about him, and I do that anyway, but lately- I deliberately have - when everything wanted me not to. And I guess I am not just talking about him, Im talking about work really- and the people there too. The social world that I have been a part of- the only social world.. in my world.

So I think it is healthy for me to stay away. Last weekend I worked on a Saturday when I wasn't going to. After a good dose of staying away that weekend before.

See, I would wake up and get depressed and know what would make me happy- having something to do that is fun to a degree and also being around people other than home and knowing that he is there. So for ages I had been working those weekends. It didnt start like that- it started with a very sweet old lady who worked those weekends to the bone- someone I admired - became too difficult for her to work then- so I decided to work in her place- but then it became something of me just craving attention from him really. And since then I have only really just began to practice staying away those weekends - because I am not entitled to work then anyway. I dont get paid then.

And the thing is- its been a real struggle with depression and bdd - I think it has been the whole emotional aftermath of all that physcial and mental strength I have endured- for I do know that as someone with social phobia and who has been anti-social for a long time- social things - they are big to me.

So my plan is to stay away. And its nice to know that he is working those days when I am not there. I dont know why, but I guess it makes me feel free to some degree.

But there are still aspects of him I do like regardless of a **** he is. Even just as a casual friend and I put that out there. But at the same time, I cannot be a passive aggressive either, I cannot deny the hurt and confusion he has -probably unknowingly - projected to me. And one day when I am well enough, I will let him be aware of it. But not as someone so insecure as I am right now. To some degree I feel so silly too. Maybe in my own world, I see things very differently because I havent been around men in a long time. Maybe friendly is flirting to me when its just being friendly- I really dont know. But the fact remains that he did take me out at the start of this year and pay for my meal and make it kind of feel or think as though it was a date. And that there were comments last year, where the women I worked with said of course he likes me- that sort of thing. So its just very confusing, but I really just want to put this all to rest.

Right now I am not happy with myself and I have lost myself. I feel like I need so much time to get back to that somewhat content and happy person once again. It starts with forgetting him and letting it go. That hurt/confusion and anger.

It starts by not working on weekends at all, ever.

It starts by carving at the things that are bothering me-
Ive been so unhappy with my image this year- when last year I was not having these body image obsessions as much. Because I have been through such quick changes in my body- its funny how weeks ago I was so obsessed with my hair colour- and now it just doesn't bother me- now its all about my lines on my face where my mouth and nose meet- its a real deep feeling of ugliness when I see it- something that appeared lately from weightloss and an impacted bottom wisdom tooth- when I esp wake up in the morning it looks like my face on that side has sagged and such a pronounced fold appears- I really hate seeing that in the mirror- so now I have been so obsessed with natural skin care and face exercises and stuff (that I havent even started yet). And its funny though, because the week before I was so upset with my body- I thought I looked way too skinny- esp after a comment by my sister that I looked like I needed to eat something- that I looked anorexic.
And then there is my face too- when I loose weight my face looks smaller and longer than it did prior and that just warps my bdd- I see something I am deeply not liking and it can hurt and make you spin out in anxiety/dread and depression. And it makes you feel like you are so vain. But I know that if there is someway to get my mind off these body image fatalities its with somehow diffusing them. But the mouth folds one is something that I am really wanting to fix.

The other body image thing that has been bothering me too has been my health. So my identity I feel has been to show myself as a very healthy person- to show that being vegan means being healthy. Because the abuse from many years ago from a guy- he had this thing about vegans looking pale and sickly and after that - I turned overweight when I left. I didnt want to be pale and sickly and for many years I remained overweight. Until now. I guess it affects my bdd though. But - besides that- my health has gone right down mentally and the effects of that have been physical too. Most of my hair has fallen out- my very thick hair is now very thin and unhealthy- it fell out from emotional stress and also from trying to dye it and bleach it and stuff and then over shampoo colour out - in a bdd attack frenzy. Now to even wear my hair down- I just wont do. Its depressing because hair to me is something of my own romance with myself- the femininity sort of thing.

So I am determined to grow it. I know I am sounding vain and obsessive - but I just want to feel good about myself and my health and I think my hair reflects that. And the inversion method sounds like fun too.

----------------------------------

So I always have goals. I always push myself. Esp after falling. And I congratulate myself that I have made it this far after doing all the things that contributed to me always feeling unworthy in this situation. I guess when you want something you cant have - your mind just goes off in that tangent direction and it just gets worse and worse- rejection is one of the hardest things esp if you have been antisocial for a long time and been rejected and abused in the past- and that made you become a hermit again.. woah.

Yes- so what was I saying..

that this time is different. I want to forget about trying to get him and just do the things that are going to make me happy in myself. I am going to completely stay away on weekends. I will not go there under any circumstances, even if I really really want to.

Ive started to paint too. So that is something that I am doing to go into my own direction. I figure if I make some really nice paintings I am proud of - I could take them into work on consignment maybe- but that is getting ahead of myself.

I know that it will take time to get back into my own life- and to find things that can make me somewhat happy again. It just really really hurts when you get introduced into someones life and then nothing. It makes you question yourself. And I have been powerfully emotionally abused and rejected before in my past - it can bring back so much.

But I reckon, I can make things better by concentrating not on wanting him to like me or wanting him to be my friend, but on rejecting him (not being unfriendly but not having him mentally in my life)- and trying to move above and beyond this.

Because I want to be happy in myself. And I want to shine in my own security and content and happiness to some degree. And what is funny is that probably is something that would be quite attractive. And if a certain someone were to ask me out again- guess what I would say..

 

[grapevine]

Been extremely depressed. Have had ongoing days where I dont want to get out of bed and hardly eat or drink a thing.

Have had to be thoughtful to myself in order to try to get out of this. Its such a nightmare though.
always around the corner when I think I am okay.

It hurts so much to feel rejected and not good enough and lonely and ugly and embarrassed and like such a fool.
Its so compounded.Its like a tonne of bricks has fallen on me- I just really really want to be in the state I was 8-9 months ago when I did not care for this guy. I am having a really hard time with it because so many things where initiated. And then what, you go on a page and its dedicated to pictures of women all look similar - women he scans the net to copy and paste their photos on his page. Im so stupid to of even thought. And I just hate how he has to follow me on there too. Just what the hell does he mean to me.

I mean 8-9 months ago I wouldnt have even considered him. I was happy going to work an actually getting out and having fun doing what I was doing. I remember telling someone even that he was creepy and also when I noticed he started to like me or act differently around me than to any other person there- I remember thinking I could never even bring myself to kiss someone like him. And I remember seeing him unloading stuff on a trailer back then and thinking to myself what a weirdo - with his hair oiled unfashionably and all his weird gold chains and the wearing the same clothes everyday.
You know he never appealed to me.

But now I dont know how I got into this mess. Back then I had my own little world that I was comfortable in. I remember watching whole series of beverly hills and 90210 and really excited of my ebay business. I as unhappy then about my body because I was overweight, but I was doing stuff about it.

I guess I used to think that I would never be worthy of having a partner because of my social phobia and because I didnt really have a professional life. Thats why when I got the idea to do my eBay business back then- I was very passionate about it. I thought that that was my saviour to showing the world that I was someone - not just a sick someone.

But then you know, my thoughts about men and how I thought I had to be someone worthy by having a professional life - those things dissipated somewhat when I started to get to know this guy. Because there was someone kind of like me, gone through mental illness and the same age and had a lot of setbacks and even current issues in their life. Someone I felt that was on the same par as me. Not like I thought about men.

But then that has all turned into mush, because he sees himself as very high - internally so egotistic that he doesnt even realise. And I think he sees me below him. His ego says he has to have a woman that looks like a barbie. He is so deluded.

It just hurts to much. Because I spent so much energy in him. When someone flirts with you, or initiates things with you and stuff- shows they like you- how do react to that?

And then later that person isnt into you anymore somehow, but then is sometimes.

I will never be good enough for his ego. And I dont want to be. It just really hurts because I have to see that person at work and its a reminder of my stark lonely life and that I am not attractive and all that.

And its autumn now and I feel its adding to the depression. I get these very severe attacks of depressive episodes where I will cry for a whole day or half a day and not get out of bed- I get very ill.

But then there are days where I have to pull myself together. I do like going to work I just cant push myself too much.

And then we are having the whole entire family over for easter this weekend and I am not ready for that. For starters its been very hard with my body dysmorphia to even sit in the lounge room with my parents - I feel so self conscious of my face and hair and body.
And when I am in public too.

My view of myself I feel that people think I look too skinny and anorexic or something. But doctor weighed me and said I was the perfect weight for my height. But my body is a bit stick like I guess and I guess because I havent exercised.

I have had alot of goals I wanted to pursue. One of them was to get into exercise and get my whole body feeling strong with doing something each day with weights and working out and my balance and stuff. I have great muscles in my arms from work- and that is why I thought it would pay off to do my whole body and get stronger- but this depression has killed my drive in that.

I bought a whole heap of paints and boards - and want to start painting. I started a little bit but my energy got to drained. But I thought that I could impress myself and those at work and show them that I am not just some social phobic with no life kind of person you know.

See that is the thing. People at work - they all know I dont so******e other than work and its embarressing. I used to like work and being around the people because I thought I could be more than that image. But they just see that. It used to be that I was exciting and stuff.

I guess I want to get right out of this depression and into a passion again. But its very hard to do because 'he' is always at the back of my mind - of someone I just feel like I want to impress all the time- that I want him to see that I am so much more - that I am okay as I am too and that I am attractive and exciting and stuff.

Its just that it feels so much like the past at the moment its not funny. At the time when I was thrown out of a guy's place from interstate- so I was living away from anyone I knew- and he was sleeping with me- and he threw me out- asked me to leave because he didnt want me there anymore- not to mention all the mental abuse about me not being this and that - how I looked and walked and talked and everything- I just remember coming home to white noise and it became late autumn and the weather was like it was now- I didnt talk for 6 months- I didnt even see the daylight for 3-4 months - I just slept and was so ill that I nearly did something stupid. I mean, yes I was raped and then emotionally abused and I liet him sleep with me after too - with no intimacy because I was rejected on all levels.

So that was very heavy stuff. And I guess it just feels like even to someone like this guy at work- someone who I thought at the time was beneath my standards turns out it may be the other way around. I just cant take rejection especially over looks and how I am. And I think not only because its hard but because of my past. Its like kicking my big bruises.

I just dont know where to start to get over this. Because, as I said- I go to work and there he is and joking with me and stuff. But he is someone who doesnt even realise he has hurt me.

 

[grapevine]

Why is it that sometimes right in the middle of the night when you can't sleep do you get the content and okay feelings ... And then when you wake up they disappear because you have been awake most of the night and look and feel exhausted!

 

[grapevine]

So now I have this thing where I see my face as manly and plain and not feminine at all. It's a distortion right? I mean I can never tell if that is how I am actually perceived by others or how I actually look-?
And I think of the times when I actually was happy with my looks to some degree but then couldn't work out why those around me ever said anything nice about that- and then I realise that maybe that was the distortion - that I thought I looked pretty and attractive when in fact I did not - I looked manly and plain.

And it's really going through my head now about that guys rejection on me and knowing it's based on my looks. He made me feel like I was attractive only to then be rejected by him because I don't have long bleached hair and black eye brows.

It just is getting my head in and promoting bdd. I feel obsessed with wanting to be desirable so I can be loved and accepted. It's so cruel to of led me on like that and then have to feel like I'm not good enough - I just wanted to feel pretty in someone's eyes I guess and turns out that I'm not worthy of that and every girl wants that .
I just need a break because all I see is warped versions of myself and just not wanting to be me.

 

[grapevine]

Went to work today. In a week where it had been a long while since last friday I was there.

Its hard. Its very hard at the moment. Its hard because I feel so ugly inside and out and rejected and hurt and not okay, not good enough. I take things very personal, I feel so so insecure that I am already in insecurity so deep that its affecting how I am with people at work and I am not just talking about the pain from somebody who you realise isn't interested in you- but effect from that.

Anyways, I am thinking of going to the doctor and getting a medical certificate for 2 - 3 weeks off. Because every time I go there, it hurts but the re-precussions on that- the days afterwards- up to 3 or 4 days of crying and being in bed and hardly eating and feeling so ill- so emotionally and physically painful to the point of intolerable, but not so much that I would want to hurt myself- though lately I have felt like not caring even more so.

I mean, what happened to me? All of a sudden I have this HUGE insecurity and this great big black dog in my way. And my mind has been on loops to remind me that Im not okay, in every way.

So the depression is based on a major disappointment and rejection- which has hurt me. But if I had better self worth than maybe I wouldn't be so bad like I am now.

But then I remember that I had a lot of strung out disappointments and up and downs that were very emotional to me- but that I just kept on keeping on and thinking the best with hope and value.

And that is where I think I got this dog from. What I am talking about is that I worked for the reason of wanting to be around that guy that made me feel secure and valued. For someone of a rotten past with men, that was a big magnet for me. But I may of confused that feeling of special and flirting to thinking he actually liked me. But others could see it too- so I really dont know. Well I do know now though, and that is that it hurts and I dont want to write anymore about that path- but I know that I am not in his mind and not like that.

And for some time I have been quite rude to him on purpose because I felt so hurt. I gave up my weekends (not that I had anything on) to be around him and have fun in that shop- to help out. I remember I loved trying on new clothes to wear for those days and just feeling good about myself for once in a long time- of the fact that I had lost all my weight (20kg) and was feeling feminine and good about myself and I guess that did make me attractive because I was happy within myself to some degree and very positive. But it was up and down from him- and I felt like absolute nothing when all those times after that initial what I thought was a date and any other woman would.. and so week after week after week turns into month after month and that really hurt. Every friday I would eagerly wait to find out if this was the time he would ask me over again. Instead he would talk about how he couldnt wait to get home etc. It hurt. It made me feel so disappointed each and every time. And even when he would talk about how lonely he was and things like that. It really hurt 3 or so weeks ago when our boss asked why he was going into town and if it was for a girl and his reply was ' I wish'. And I was standing there. That hurt too.

But I guess what hurts the most now is that I realise that I am just not attract for him or even myself now to actually be liked. And that is very hurtful.

So that is why I want to have some weeks away from it all. This pain is too hard to cope with. Especially the bdd. I cannot go into work again feeling like this- its so dangerous when you have depression and a scenario where you already get depressed there.

But anyway, its an ugly patch I am- my whole world has turned rotten and hurtful and I just am feeling like I want that whole determination in those weeks to be able to get to a strong point where I feel confident in myself - and get to love myself once again- and love how I look and who I am.

And I know that I haven't been very friendly at work for some time now. Esp not to him anyway. I just left the workplace this afternoon, I just took off without saying goodbye- and I do that now- I also dont say hello either and I ignore him and hardly say anything to him- and I certainly dont have lunch with him now.

But I know that is not me. And that is prolonging the pain. But when you have bdd anyway- and when there is someone who you feel has rejected you because you dont look like those women on the internet he is obsessed with - well then - what would you do? And also the high potential that he will upset you and hurt you again.. just from being completely male and not even knowing stuff.
I must seem so cold and horrible. But I dont care. He has been like that too- and other people- I mean I dont have to be anyone when I am being myself - and I am not feeling good about myself so I will show that.

But I just hate how I put so much emphasis on work. On the social stuff there because its the only social stuff in my life. And so when the relationships there are not caring enough, when they only want to not be there and your there, then it hurts.

--------------------------

But anyway, I want to have those weeks off and in that time- be proactive in trying to regain my own integrity, sense of value, calmness and try to find my own beauty and femininity and happiness even through disappointment and sadness and rejection.

In this time I will be trying tryptophan for the first time- Ive heard mixed reviews on that- but I have got a powder form so I can start with very small doses and see how that goes. It is suppose to induce calmness and a sense of happiness by using the tryptophan for seritonin of course. But we will see if there is no adverse affects - fingers crossed there is not.

I believe in myself- but it will be a testing time for me. Because I just want to get into some feeling of sense of self worth and beauty and all that.

I want to be able to walk into work and actually feel happy again. And actually so******e and have a laugh again and not feel like I have to be anyone else - like I have to choose my words in order to be liked. I just want to be myself and have my own identity and value and care for myself really well once again- by not trying to change myself.

I feel so enclined to throw away or hide all my current clothes and wear something else! In thinking that I might like myself again if I do. But I hav bdd.
ant to be able to walk into work and actually feel happy again. And actually so******e and have a laugh again and not feel like I have to be anyone else - like I have to choose my words in order to be liked. I just want to be myself and have my own identity and value and care for myself really well once again- by not trying to change myself.

I feel so enclined to throw away or hide all my current clothes and wear something else! In thinking that I might like myself again if I do. But I have bdd.

But I guess, what I really want is to be able to walk into work and not have it be my whole world- and to be able to overlook 'him' - like I used to- when I couldn't even imagine liking him back then- let alone wanting to even kiss him and stuff like that. - I want to be able to feel great in myself- to feel a sense of being valued in myself and see that there is something better than there at work.
I think I want to work on my eBay business. Like actually get right back into it again. Its been some time since. And back then I was so passionate about it- I didnt care about him at all really- I mean I knew he kind of liked me- but that was it. I didnt like him!

I wish that were the case now. I think I just want to have even just a week off and a day- just to really try to work on myself and get into a practice of what I used to be like where I didnt care too much about boys and wanting to impress.

I cared about being passionate.

But I suppose I do want things to be better at work and that starts with me I guess. I have learnt that if I can be friendly and have fun and communicate better- I think I will have a better chance of having a better day at work rather than lately. But that is second to everything else.

Right now I am feeling very edgy, I bleached my hair even more last night and the night before- high on bdd. And then I go to work and he notices and tells me I dyed my hair. Nobody else ever says stuff but him. Its weird and makes me feel self conscious around him. But anyway- right now - in my room on my laptop, its nighttime and I am trying to avoid any mirrors because even the thought right now of how I look is very anxiety driven and depressing - so I avoid them. Its so different to the trip I was on end of last year- I loved looking in the mirror and trying things on and dancing and posing like a kid - I wish I could get to that point again but I think that is fleeting.

Its really terrible when every part of you hates how you look. It makes everything I have just written go up in flames as the importance of just wanting to look okay and be okay is the thing on the agenda. You just dont want to face anybody literally.

I want to go into work and feel happy about my day. I want to be able to walk up to 'him' and say hello and be friendly and try to really befriend him rather than avoid him- try to make everything seem completely different and neutral and not prolonged resentment and stuff- I want to be able to do that but at the same time have my boundaries and not carry this bundle of thinking about him-

But again that is after I deal with my own stuff.

But it would be nice to be able to do that. Create a better atmosphere. But remember that its not all me too.

But my eBay business - I was so passionate with that. When I go to work- I love being creative with the clothes - dressing dummies and pairing clothes on racks that look good together- getting the trendy clothes on the best hangers and everything. I wish I had my own store- I reckon I would make a killing if I had even just a shed. Because a thrift store has some such great clothes.

 

[grapevine]

Slept in then took mum shopping. In a spiral today. Completely obsessed with hair colour and frustrated or anxious how to correct it - feel really self conscious about it that I cannot shake it off. I have images flash through my mind of this woman the guy at work is obsessed with - just some pictures of this long haired blonde woman - he photoshopped himself in there with her blowing a kiss to her and then in his photo sectons uploaded 10 or more pictures of love hearts. So this just really gets to me - it hurts because it makes me feel so stupid to of ecen of fallen for some delusional person like that - someone who think that just the way someone looks is love - and it hurts that I realise why he was never like that with me. But the worst is that it has triggered my bdd and confidence and ruined my hair and self esteem.

So I go to the supermarket today and I'm feeling completely inferior to everyone but especially to women with blonde hair or very feminine women. And I feel so ugly and exhausted in myself and completely frustrated in how to fix myself - my hair and how I look mainly - and it's just not right.

I just don't feel good or right at all

 

[grapevine]

I know my moods are fleeting at most times - but tonight I feel I have come to a much better understanding of where my mind has been.

So I go on facebook and I see old school friends I have not seen in years and years- and to me they are like icons- one girl Lil- I mean she is a marine bio and swims with small whales and turtles and stuff- and you know what - she was never a looker- she has bright red hair and freckles and I remember at school everyone had to tell new people that she was a girl and not a boy. But she is amazing - I would love to be her. And she has a relationship with a cute guy- I mean - I can see where my mind has been - where because of my past and now in meeting a completely insane guy- I can see how my mind would think that all men are like that - in that - I mean that they are all about having to look a certain way and having women have to be perfect in order to be liked - or something. So I can see that I am following the mind of a very disturbed guy- and what he thinks is love in his mind. That he is obsessed with some blonde woman I don't think he even actually met - so from now on I will use these people from my past - great women from my school days that are doing awesome as a reality check.
But its really terrible that of my horrid past - that I actually get over all of that- and then end up being attracted to some psycho who is exactly what I was running from in the first place.

This is someone who can make me feel indirectly, like I am worth nothing just because of the way I look and because I am not into a 'scene' by that I mean I am not into wanting to go out and get tattoos and be into all horror films and heavy metal bands. I mean, I am not in my 20s anymore and either is he. I am much more into a variety of things.

Anyway, I am glad that it has not affected me that much tonight. I just went on there when I usually dont. But Im glad I did because I could look at his page and see him for who he is and not see me for once as the one with something wrong.

 

[grapevine]

So I wake up and like most mornings my face , my cheek nose line thing is so sagged and hanging fat there - so apparent just from my weight loss - it bothers me so badly- it erodes my confidence to a pulp.

Not to mention today there are over 20 family members coming over for Easter - and o have to avoid any photos - and I don't want to be seen.
My skin today is the worst it has been from anxiety yesterday in my hair.
There is no way I would even think about guys even going near them like this and it hurts.
Why does my face have to fold and sag for ? It's not fair.
And I am thinking about getting something done about it because it affects my self esteem everyday - when I am around people and I don't want to get up every morning because I don't want to see it on the mirror.
It's like my cheek has slid down my face and made a huge fold near my nose and mouth - I just can't take it - to look on the mirror and see that - that is all I see and I just want to hide away and cry and not be seen.

 

[grapevine]

And I have a rash all over my face too. How come I was happy with myself last year and now I don't want to be seen. It's like all of a sudden my face and how I look has completely changed and I realise I realise how bad I actually look.
It's just my cheeks and those folds on my face and when I talk and show my teeth my long narrow mouth but those lines and saggy cheeks I can actually feel and its so prominent.

I am just so off the scales right now in bdd and hating myself - it's ugly.

I was thinking weeks back about getting filler done or even threading just to loudly these foods away because they are really bothering me- because my skin stretched on my face when I was overweight and now I am left with this.
But not only these insecurities today but my health is in bad condition anyway - I ate things I normally don't that I am allergic to and I feel dehydrated and sluggish and my skin very dry -

See I do know - and this is a positive - that I feel so much better when I juice every morning like I had been doing and exercise and hydrate a lot with fruit and liquids - not only my mind but my body and ski feel and look so much better.
I think that is something I have not been doing in some time now is exercising - I've actually become flabby and sluggish because I haven't exercised in 2 months - I've not even worked hard at work like I used to - I've just been sad and not done much - and when I'm not working I've literally been in bed crying and sleeping.
And I guess the effects of that have been what I see today -
But u have such horrible visions of my face when I look in the mirror - when I think of rejection and inferiority and when I even think of the future-
So it's pretty much an unhealthy obsession.
The thing is that even if I use all they things that have worked for me over the years - like looking after my health with wheat grass and other juicing , eating fresh, getting outdoors, exercising, getting vitamin d in high amounts, and mindfulness to bad thoughts, cbt, looking at my whole self in the mirror and not concentrating on the thing that bothers me, looking at ranges if people u have known and their photos - of ordinary people and realising that looks aren't everything- and listening to calming music, making my dreamboard and visualising myself as self accepted - happy and my facial issue less apparent because my health is better and even new things like face aerobics which could help too and continually looking after myself despite this bdd.
So yesterday was a spin out though, I was so high in changing my hair but at least now I just use this rinse stuff that stays in your hair for a day or so and not an actual dye. At least I am aware enough of my higher self to not Ye dye. But yesterday I had about 5 showers and washed my hair wach time - that is how bad the bdd got. And I think why I have a rash on my face today .

But hair has always been my thing with bdd. I just want to be okay with myself again and get to a point where I can wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and not have this cheek thing be so apparent. And I think if I can do what I was doing before but increasing it all - juicing and exercise and mindfulness - among others - that I can wake up and maybe emotionally feel better and look in the mirror and notice a positive thing like my skin glowing or something rather than the bad.

Because I cannot live feeling so bad about myself - I don't want to keep being in such high anxiety and stress and then such despair and emotional pain and hatefulness because I don't like myself.
I used to always have a vision in my head of this girl from way back in highschool who I admired - she was so enthusiastic and in control with her health fitness and looks and so confident - she was great with friends and herself - and she was always a refreshing person to see and be around to me because she was so confident and smart and always finished stuff and positive. I have for over ten years tried to be like her - and for majority I have succeeded when I have felt pressured socially - and been around people- not when I have been a hermit though.

So I want to get back to her because it's become second nature to be like that and I want it back - but I have to do serious work on this depression and bdd and take things easy I guess.
I just want to be positive and wake up in the morning with euphoria - because many years ago when I was very fit and eating a certain way I remember euphoria and feeling amazing and that was because I had detoxes or cleaned myself out and got fit - it made a big difference to my mentality because everything was clearer and calmer and I remember having a background in me of serenidy and happiness despite what ever was going on - but even now if I think of having that goal I know that it's still the bdd cheek thing will still bother me - but like I said I want it to be less apparent even if it's only in my head.

Because I don't want to live in can with vanity or invaniry if there is such a thing. I don't want to keep hurting myself with such painful feelings and be on this rollercoaster.
sibtoday I am not looking great - and it means I am feeling exposed and self conciliatory and God forbid anyone takes a photo of me- I have to toughen up for the whole day and I hate that - I hate feeling so self insipid.

 

[grapevine]

With everyone here I just have that feeling that I am unspecial just because people are cautious and disinterested in me - I mean I haven't seen everyone since I was very overweight and there I am thin and nobody mentions it but I guess I don't want them to - but I feel like I am not special on everyday and think that I am someone who could disappear and none know. And I know it's about confidence and friendliness bit inside there is deep insecurity and stuff and it's like people sense that, and avoid me

 

[grapevine]

I know I've written a lot today and I'm in a cycle. But it's just hard to try to feel okay with myself and around others right now because all I feel like doing is just crawling into a despair ball and crying and just trying to get all these feelings out.
I guess I felt from work sometime ago that I wasn't invisable and that I was special - because I didn't really feel much of it in me. And that came from the guy at work - but then it just turned into someone really not caring of my presence anyway regardless of being friendly or not.
I just find it so hard because I'm sensitive to people around me internally - and how tmtgey are around me. I guess at work when I lost all that weight, and started to dress better and stuff I saw myself looking beautiful and liking myself - and thought that 'he' could see that I was how I saw myself - but it tom urns out that i am not good enough and that he would prefer to be alone and in the past with none than with me.
So I feel like I'm not much around family and even less at work. I feel like I only have myself to rely on.

My skin is the worst it's ever been right now too because I haven't eaten my raw diet properly and started eating stuff like gingerbread and things I normally don't eat hence a rash and dryness and huge pimple.
I don't know I am feeling very depressed and don't know if I will work this week or not but I will need a doctors certificate

 

[grapevine]

Been writing in here like a bad case. I mean I write automatically and just reading all this stuff - my hamster wheel is just distressing and upsetting. And I keep saying I want to be happy like I was prior to this year, its like it just left straight away- like where did it go?

Because its like I just woke up and saw myself in a horrible light - I cont changed myself to try and be someone Im not and now I see myself so differently - my face/hair/body/mentality/who I am or am not?

So Ive tried today- I have tried to be positive and I drank alot of green juice and ate quite a bit of fruit. I was going to exercise today but it involves the mirror and so I didnt do that.
These things I want to do- I know that I look and feel alot better when I drink lots of green juice- I am hoping that by tanking up in lots of fresh fruits and vegies and greens by juicing alot more and smoothies and some exrcise- that it will help me out of this depression and obsessive thinking.

I think that I need to maybe start one of those grateful diaries.

But I kick myself when I see myself in the mirror and get distressed and repulsed and think its the end of the world.

Where as, last year I was busy overcoming all these insecurities about myself and on top of the world. I had dips because I couldn't understand the behaviour of the guy at work I had a crush on. But apart from that, I was really loving myself and had a lot of confidence in myself and enjoyed looking in the mirror and everything. I loved myself for being me and feeling comfortable and was proud of myself for loosing weight and eating better and the effects from that - exploring clothes I would never of worn before because I was overweight.

But now- I see my body in a bad way even though I am the weight I always wanted to be. Some weeks Im too skinny and others Im a little too solid.

I just want to take care of myself and accept myself and Im proactive in doing that- little bit by little bit. But I guess I am very sensitive to rejection and how others see me and I guess I am so easily swayed by other people's ideals and my own insecurities- that I can completely change the way I see myself in the mirror and inside as something terrible.

But I do know that the issue I have with my face is much more pronounced and noticable than it had been. But what I am trying to do is just look after myself and see things I like and get to a point where by looking after myself with healthy food and the things that have worked for me in the past - that those things can help evolve my mindset and start to give me confidence.

But its a bumpy road again. I just hate that I have come all this way - yet to be back to square one again-

 

[grapevine]

This morning I woke up like always lately- uneases about braving up to the mirror. It's not like I want to have my appearance so important to me , it's that I have a good day when I like something I see in it.
And when I don't - I get compulsive and anxious and unhealthy.
Which happened this morning today.
I look in the mirror and decide that the extra bleaching I did on my hair last night had turned it orange a bit and so I kept checking in different lights. My hair is brown and I have over a month used basic bleach to slowly blonde some streaks in the front of my hair.
Sometimes I get the compulsion to just have a good shower and wash away any chemicals and stuff that o may of put in my hair - a compulsion to feel clean and natural and not anxious about my hair- but I can end up washing my hair up to 5 times a day lately - on compulsive thoughts and feelings.

Like this morning, I washed my hair despite doing that last night. Then after towel drying, I decided to dye my streaks with a toner and then washed my hair again. Then I saw my hair looked orange at the back so I decided to put a dye rinse in for that a Demi, and then washed my hair once again- but in between those I think I washed my hair a few more times too.

I can just getcaught up in the cycle because I have an ideal that I want and become obsessive about it - I get so tense and anxious like I need to wash again and then everything will be fine.

Throughout my life I've done this. ESP when I've been extra anxious and there are males in my life.

But I've had some good streaks of not caring about my hair and letting it be and they've been good - so I know I can get there again and it involves a lot of the time lots of relaxing.

So something happened last week that I guess made me feel less rejected - and that was that the guy at work asked me to dinner and his place for a film again . I know I was going to say no , but I saw him more for what he is and what the situation was and wanted to go so I said yes and treated the whole thing casual and a friend and nothing more.

I know I can't really call this guy a friend because he can be apathetic into acknowledging his actions and effects he has been towards me but I tell you - I see him even more clearly now then ever. He is not great in the head- completely deluded and stuck in the past - like a round about - he is obsessive and I don't have a word other than simplistic, like he just cannot think outside of himself. But that's the illness and the medication. And to be honest , I'm not exactly attracted to a guy that wears the same clothes all the time- especially a White tshirt with a weeks worth of dirt and grime marks on there - and he may even sleep in those clothes. I think he needs his family to show him those things.

But it was nice for me to not feel rejected like I had. And to see it all differently. But I guess I still have this body image issue right now about wanting my hair - my streaks to be blonde and not orange and thinking that I am unworthy if I am brunette.because I do that - I adopt other people's thoughts on beauty and try to be that - it's stupid - I guess I just want to be validated.

The other thing I wanted to mention was that for weeks now I don't go into work on weekends. So I don't see that guy much anymore or my boss either for that matter. And it's better that way because I'm not devaluing myself anymore. And I'm trying to get to some balance in my own life outside of work.

 

[Megaten]

Are you certain he knows that he's had that negative impact on you? I'm not sure if you said anything to him. But I know that quite a few people are totally oblivious as to how they affect others.

 

[grapevine]

I am never certain of anything- especially regarding another person and their mindscapes. I really dont know why he is friendly with me sometimes and others not, but one of my best friends who lives half way across the world - who Ive known since highschool has a brother with schizophrenia and she tells me they are like that- very apathetic - mostly un-intended. I mean I dont know if he gets his kicks off from knowing that i fancied him - who knows?

All he does is think back to his past all the time and likes to sit and make his facebook page- like someone with ocd and an enormous ego.

This is someone not all there. So I am so proud of myself for being able to see it that way now. Way more than I had before. And someone who smokes in confined places with guests present isnt nice- especially when its every 20 minutes or so.


I guess it bugs me what he sees in me. But I know that there is nothing else there. Not unless I evolved and changed to his fantasy - and that is where I get this whole body dysmorphia thing from. And I am just learning to try to give that up. Hence my hair.

But I guess I should really be asking what I see in him? Well, I guess I am still chasing that male to undo- criticism from the past for me- but I am aware of that and am starting to realise its not going to happen. I guess away from that, its the feeling of being accepted and then away from the euphoria that occurs from even going out with him- because I have avoided men for a most of my life. So I feel a sense that if I can do this- then I can be around other men too- and then apart from that- I get my buttons pushed from him when he can be very sincere often- like a true gentleman - that is what draws me - and the comedy he can perform that can make me genuinely laugh. And I like the idea of going round to a friend's place to watch a film- and saying hi to his sister and mother- who both have dealt with his illness and prob know I have a mental illness too.

Having said all that- I dont think I could come out and say to him that he hurt me. It would feel like I would be loosening my boundries. There are things that I see in him that are very unhealthy and very un-appealing to me. I guess his 'scene' being the almost opposite to what I am into - it seems so odd sometimes to even hang out with him.

Its funny too, because when I went to his place last week- from that day I actually started to like myself in the mirror again. It just gets silly because prior to that I was scared to even look at myself. But unfortunately it was short lived and now Im in full bdd once again - the part of it that makes you feel so self conscious of just being around anyone or on your own even- in somewhere other than a dark room.

I looked in the mirror and hated seeing a sea of bright orange hair today. And getting sick from this intense spin of horror and severe anxiety and frustration and detest of myself - and chemically feeling ill from all the stuff Ive been doing to my hair for a few days.

At least I stopped that this afternoon. But I am not feeling confident one bit. And I feel that I need to do what worked for me a month ago or sometime ago- and that was to take a week off work and just calm my whole self down, and start to get out of the spin and get out of my head. Go for walks and lay in the sun and drink lots of calming green juice of all things-

Because I have been to work feeling like this before- and went there thinking that the normality would help things- but it only made me feel worse. Because as I found out- when you feel so wrapped up and anxious and just want to hide out of shame and insecurity- from bdd- you actually encourage those around you to make your day even worse somehow. It was awful.

So Im taking this week off. I used to care about going to see him and I dont anymore. How times have changed anyway.

Having said that, I did have a good time with him. I see him as someone small now but also someone who if I am off guard - can let my demons get to me and I have to be very mindful of that and make decisions based on that around him with caution.

But anyway, going to work- I want to be on . I started to watch a few videos on acceptance and commitment therapy and feel like that will help my bdd. I did some stuff last week when I went to work and from feeling truely insecure and terrible- I was able to turn things around and actually initiate conversations to the guy at work and other people more than normal- and actually be present. And it made a difference.

There are work sheets I somehow found on the web relating this therapy to body image and other problems - so I am going to print that out and Im seeing my therapist on Wednsday so I hope to try to turn things around. And also have a break from the chaos at work - as I am completely over my boss- she is so incapable and Im not exactly in the right health right now to lift heavy boxes and out -do myself.

After a day of intense bdd- rather than go back to ruining my hair some more- I decided to do some painting and cried and cried and felt so insecure of myself that I thought of years of hiding away again like I have done most of my life. But of course I have tasted freedom from that and I know its better.

But anyway, I painted a really cool abstract painting that looks like waves - I used thick acrylic paint with no water and loads of blues and whites and put alot of detail in and it looks cool. I watched something last week that said deppresion can make you get/feel very creative anyway.

 

[grapevine]

Just saw my therapist and the first thing she said was that I looked a little gaunt and that had I lost more weight?

Those things triggered exactly what I have been obsessing about with the bdd now. I mean my face is white abc drooped and I just look horrible.
Now I don't feel like going to work tomorrow. Not like this - it's so distressing and depressing to really have like a cancer in how you look.