Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

So pretty much dealing with a depression these days. Its been quite intense today and the last few days - but mainly today.

I pretty much think its from prolonged stress and I just need to work it out. One website I always go back to is 2knowmyself. I atleast find comfort in trying to find my cause and know that it can and will disapate.

I just cant feel any pleasure in anything at the moment. And I jsut lack so much energy and cry at any hint of stress or just about anything. I feel lost in a swamp of disappointment and being with a person with severe illness and then loosing myself.

Its all like a big hard no positive outcome type thing. Even work has changed into something disrespectful to me. And Ive even put back alot of weight I once lost due to all this relationship and blah blah.

Im wanting to put my foot in the door and go onto a raw vegan month and start off back how I used to eat. But I feel like self sabotage in trying to feel good feelings and also because I keep thinking that at the end of the tunnel is a guy waiting for me that I dont want.
So I just kinda dont really do much. I just fall into drained and excessively tired and feeling no pleasure and so upset and basically going to bed and doing nothing much but go online and perhaps eat.

Im so tired of bending down for others and loosing myself. And im tired of being with someone that yes is supportive but has nothing to offer and leaves me feeling like a back up truck backing away.

Anyways. How to rid this depression - there is a way. Just not feeling it though of course.
Its like when rugs isnt here - because ive been going thru all this jump starts socially when he is - its like Im lost and need to find my happiness and identity.

 

[grapevine]

Starting to get back on track a little. Having time to myself and only really seeing rugs to go out for walks. He needs to get out and do that and i do too. So that's a positive.
I'm still battling with stress-related depression mainly from him over time and also my work and things. But a bit of hope and getting onto a roll of the things I love to do - self-care stuff and trying to think things in a better light for the future helps me somewhat.

Rugs has not been well this week and so on. He had met a guy at his volunteer large op shop he works and are now friends. This guy I thought was good company for him - I havent met him (i dont really want to tho), he plays the guitar too and also has some kind of bipolar or adhd issue and low self esteem. Theyve hung out together quite a few times now deep into the late hours of night, guitaring away in jams and so on. I thought it was a good thing - then it turns out he is on drugs this guy and now rugs back on them too. In a random conversation to me, it was like ' yeah of course' when I said what you mean drugs.

An now after that, of course he has been very agitated, has had loss of self-politeness and has been displaying ultra aggressive assertiveness. Hes been what he calls 'scattered'. Not been able to calm down a bit and not been able to have much concentration.

I havent spent much time with him except our walks and talking online. But he was all aggressive and aggitated today because his phone was unable to charge. He has been stressing out about little things and lot of things - im not sure what it is - likely a combination of things - esp his paranoia with online stuff. But I was able to fix his phone - it just needed a clean. He was relieved with that. He seems to be in a decline stage again - like his hygiene and responsibilities go down and things like that. I guess I am a bit the same with responsibilities like him - been like that recently as stress has got to me and cant keep up with everyday things. Its like im on slow motion with everything. But Im finding my space to wind down.

But I really hate the thought of being with rugs. I find him quite repelling for alot of reasons - but mainly the really bad hygiene, the smell, the lack of even being able to independently upkeep on basics like that, his smoking and eating bad, unable to maintain anything worthy etc.. his tastes in things, his swearing even lol,
just so many things. And yet Im still here geezuz. But he is not well and I think over time he is going to see more and more that we are better friends. I can sense it already.

Its just quite hard to work on yourself when you find weird stuff still he does thats quite disturbing, when you have this lingering over your head - of two options of equally depressing answers. When you just want to deal with your own stuff and push people away - kinda what Im doing and need to do.
Create space for myself to build back on my near future - so that I have things that fill me up and make me happy independently.

 

[Sacrament]

Haven't visited your thread in weeks, but why are you still interacting with rugs at all nowadays? Nothing positive comes from that.

 

[Megaten]

I hope you know that time is the most valuable thing you have. We all only have a limited amount of time and no one really knows how much they have. I’d seriously advise you to not waste yours being unhappy and unwillingly bound to someone making you miserable.

 

[grapevine]

https://www.2knowmyself.com/How_to_break_up_with_someone_without_hurting_them

Its just quite hard to do. Esp when I was silly in not having any real other social resources and even more so on his end with the dysfunctional spontaneity and forgetfulness he displays plus delusional self also and much more.

 

[grapevine]

Started to limit texting on messenger. Im guilty of messaging because I feel addicted to it, like its the one thing that gets me out of my own aloneness that ive had since i was a late teen when my agoraphobia started off. I mean im 35 now and I can say I havent had any relationships or friendships that have been intense at all like this. And most of the time i just want my space and my values lifted and someone to support and encourage me in my own journey of being my best self. It falls short on the last bit. And even on the first bit.
I dont like rugs - he is crazy. Like really crazy. He spends so much time on instagram doing those funny faces, yesterday he didnt know what chives were and have never known - the whole thing about cognitive impairment - is that he has a knowledge impairment too.
He is in his own mind all the time and lacks the ability to really be present with people. You never know when he is coming or going. You can never plan anything. Today I text him to tell him it was very hot the weather outside. He text back to say where I was and i told him I was at the fodder store getting hay for my sheep with my mum. He responds with he'll meet me down there. Was going to drive down there. And im like no. I mean its weird when he does these things. Its like in a desperate manner. I had to explain im taking mum to do her grocery things - and hes like Ill meet you at the super market. Well he hadnt been in Aldi our new store - so that tin info seemed to justify it. He just walked around with my mum and I whilst we shopped for food and then drove following us home. An element of creepy. I had just seen him that morning before all this by the way. Then getting home and hes like Im hungry and forgot to have breakfast. But then ends up going straight home after he just gets to my place. the other day we went for a walk. I waited for ages for him to turn up. It was after lunch so I assumed he must of been eating. Turns out we had to go back half way because he hadnt eaten at all.

Anyways, why am I still hanging out? Because I fear lonliness, heartache, hurting someones feelings, hopes etc,

He is basically in my face since day one, but he is like a kid. I want that friendship but i dont want to be his partner. At the same time I have these romantic thoughts that are not really him at all, I think if I could get myself my best, in mind and body - then everything will change. My therapist calls this survival mode.

The thing is he hasnt changed his clothes in a week once again. Smells so bad. The same shirt and tshirt over and over and its been 42 degrees here. Hes sweated in those clothes for weeks it seems. Yet has showers and then puts the same clothes on again and again. And he smokes too - so its even worse.

I tell him - you need to put new clothes on. And he hears me. But then turns up at my place everyday, helps himself to our home phone and food, brings his stench, goes around the side of our house and just spends ages just filming his head with no expression and uploading them to youtube.

My parents- particuarly my mum cant stand him anymore. She understands from me that he is crazy and from seeing him. But it gets really frustrating for me as he cant do boundaries, becomes desperate and that kind of ongoing thing from him has become a norm and rubbed off on me a bit.

Its like I fear having noone there to share things with and so on.

Thing is even so if to be friends with him even - he would have to really push boundaries respect and even then its weird.

Its like a huge big weight. Hes not for me - he is nuts and stinky (that sounds bad but its kind of really true) - and Im doomed both ways it feels. And because im not in control of these things it makes me feel very depressed.

Im not sure how to deal with this, even after the help on here.

I just want to feel free from his shackles - but enjoy just the occasional walk with him and stuff but then it will feel depressing too.

I dont know what to feel. I just kind of let it go in limbo and work on myself. Tell him Im not well and need to do my own things. And thats where Ive been. Only lately hes been turning up everyday once again.

Theres so many frustrating things he does that I just want to tell him - but he is sensitive to things and will just label me as whingy.

But how do I tell him he is nuts and it plays on my anxiety lol?

Anyways- I feel like I just want my space and limit him more again. I feel good when I do. I think the more I spend time away - like my old good friend (who unfortunately moved to Germany along time ago) had suggested, the more he will get used to me not being there and e the same. And I did feel that.

I guess he is more of a friend then anything else. Just someone for a walk and a laugh, but then there is all this other stuff that comes up tho.

If I play the not well enough to be in a relationship card once again but really throw it at him, so break up over that- or what ever.

Idk - its just hard because its the one friend I really have that I go to atm and for an extrememly long time. And he is in his own world - its hard to honest with him because he lives in delusions.

I jsut want to tell him how I feel in honesty and just find a solution because he may feel the same for all i know. You know, holding onto a relationship just because of lonliness etc.

Its sucj a huge depressive weight on my shoulders. And everytime Im near him though- its always I want to get away, I always say in my mind omg he is crazy and like a child and I do not value this.. and I end up kind of going into myself to protect my boundaries. He has no future. He cant even see the importance for him to walk into governement office to put his papers in for claiming disability - even after all the stuff I did to help him in the process. He takes leisure above priorites and how he is feeling. He has an underlining of depression and doesnt know why.
Anyways. Its just hard with the way anxiety goes and thinking all or nothing and gravity of emotions - bad emotions etc..

Im seeing my pyschologist soon anyways.

 

[grapevine]

Well how funny is it that I mention on a private facebook account (I use it to express myself and draw and rant and all sorts of things - without having to do it publicly-) - the only friend I have on there is my proper account and one of rugs accounts.

So Ive got pms and in that time my anxiety gets pretty bad. It intensifies. And so I wrote on there this :

Im sorry but its a huge huge huge stresser when that person close to you does crazy things that you cannot understand, that make you cringe, make you feel uneased and make you want to hide away from that person. And then, knowing that that person cannot help that their reality is skewed somewhat because of an illness and that they cannot help it and then its just all so damn hard. Makes you have this huge bag of mixed feelings constantly. Makes me act out in crazy ways out of spite and trying to mirror the feelings. I honestly feel so so so thrown about with it all. All the time.

It was my way of being authentic- and expressing my frustrations. I mean normally he doesnt take any interest in things I write. But anyway, he responded to my post with swearing and then de-friended me.
And Im offended a bit - but I dont really care because Im being honest and thats the truth. The truth is that he is completely unaware of his behaviour being like that and Ive always got to hide it away. It shows how sensitive he is. But you know what, Im ALWAYS thinking of him and it makes me ill. He should think about these things. Yeah sure I was harsh, I have PMS. And sure im irresponsible anyways for continuing this relationship. Its just very hard to say no to someone so desperate all the time for company and in your face for it you know- esp coming from a lifestime myself streak of lonliness.

So anyways, he can have his tantrum I dont car. I know hell likely be back. I just cant hack dealing with all his stuff and he has no real idea.

 

[grapevine]

So he read my post on fb and then sent me a long message saying he is broken up with me. He says I was abusive because of what I wrote. He says he is not in love with me anymore and then he says that it hurt him to read what I wrote.

Well I was just saying the truth.

So be it. Ill have a cry and so on. But I know he changes his mind on things. It hurts and it will be like hes not there. But its needed to happen. He even mentioned being friends down the track so will see.

We will see how things go if he stays this way. But geez, ive had to put up with alot - yes its his illness but just that one post and he is highly sensitive too. Hes unaware that a universal opinion on him would correspond with my own. And ive never really - not at all to him been horrible. But all those things he does - that are crazy and so on - I just can't take it.

Imagine going out with a guy that doesn't change his clothes for weeks etc. That does these weird videos on youtube where it's just his face.

I mean what the hell. I'm just not one of those people that can forget about those constant things. Realizations that he is crazy and lives in a strange anxious world. I would always see him first before the illness. Despite my angriness on here. Id let it out on here. I wanted to see the best in him. Have him healthy. Id be always do things for him always. And then Id realise I neglected myself- it got to that.
So no - Im not abusive - I was writing the truth and he cannot handle it because he lives in a deluded world.

So perhaps I am from now Rugs free?

I feel i need to lock the doors tho just for safety.

Its been so hard. And when you get to a point where your explaining to your mum - or trying to comfort her because shes uneased of his strange behaviour..

You know - he doesnt see that.

Anyone surely can see this relationship weighing on me. I mean he has been very supportive and caring and extremely loyal but I have wanted my space and also couldn't even go near him because of his smell - which was a mixture of sweat, week-old clothes, smoke, hairspray and deodorant.
He had issues respecting even my boundaries alot too. He just would turn up - we agree on a time and he would come hours earlier. Things like that. Or just turn up when Im in the middle of something.
Then, even the money stuff.

Anyways - apart from his illness and apart from my kind of selfish fear of loneliness - he is a very loyal and nice man - and that is what Id stay for. But that is disregarding his illness.

I read about relationships with severe schizophrenics being 99 percent take and thats it.
He did make up for it - but I shrewed with all his illness poking out. I cannot understand and dont want to understand the scary paranoia he lives in, encased with ego and delusions and so on.

It plays on my anxiety so bad.

anyways. Lets see how tomorrow goes then. I guess the worst part is no contact. Just used to everyday online and he comes over and we go for a walk. But everytime I see him - if Im not put off by the smell - its all the other 'stuff' that is in his illness.

And I need to remember as I must put this here, that when he first asked me out - it wasnt really something I took heavily and thought through. It was just a casual thing to me. And it was an eye opener into his strange behaviour that i ended up delving into. I guess I had such low self esteem and was only just starting to get it up a bit when he asked me out after ignoring me from a date for 5 months - going to work and seeing him. It shattereed me and then lifted me up a little.
Having said that tho- I think this is easy for me to do because there are so many red flags even from the begining. I rememeber in asking me out he was like telling me he liked blondes and that I should be a blonde, then told me i should wear clothes like his sister because they are colourful (shes a hoodie and black pants girl ?) and that I should wear makeup like her (she can over do it tremendously).

Anyways you know so he has dumped me again lol.

That wasnt so bad then.

Hopefully he will stick to his desision. But it will get hard come the days - as he has been really my only contact except for work.

I have been in this huge flunk for so long with his stuff on my case and him getting in my face all the time wanting to always spend time with me. just to get out.

Its my task now to ignore him if he messages me. And to do those things Ive felt I havent been able to do because hes coming and going all the time.

One value I think I learnt was that I value having goals. To really work to things all the time. Ive always done that, and Im a Sagittarian. And when I was sick I did that. That is what got me out of it.

Anyways - I just saw JOY - a film with Jennifer Lawerence about hardships and pushing your way through hard times, never giving up. It was awesome.

I guess, what gets me is when I have been in PMS, I have expressed myself pretty harshly before. In those times of immense frustration. It would feel like mental torture and Id express myself in words.

Prob after my period, Ill read it and cry because I cant believe I was so harsh perhaps? Maybe I am abusive? Idk/

 

[grapevine]

So this afternoon Im in my room with my vegan Ben and Jerrys ( which wasnt what I thought it be yucky) and I hear this noise that sounds like a car door. And I get up and there he was once again. I did not respond to his message of breaking up with me. So he ends up coming over.
But its just the way he comes over. With no warning and just heads into my room and past my parents. You know I just hate it. Its, he is always so invasive.
But anyway, confirmed about the descision about breaking up.
But then hes like if Im not doing anything on the weekend did you want to go for a walk and do things?
We just broke up. He is going to have to learn to have that space. His problem is that he needs to fill his time with things and he uses me for that.

Anyways. Im going to stick to limiting and saying no and telling him I need my independence.

Because he sways all the time in any descision and its where it gets hard.
I dont want him in my face anymore, I want him to leave me in peace.

 

[grapevine]

Okay - Im feeling so much better now as Im Rugs free. Im not in the relationship anymore and altho were still friends - Im taking it in steps to get my boundaries upped more and more.

He has an issue still with it. As friends and going for walks only, its okay for me as I get lonely - so its a desired outcome for me.

Only there are things that still are there - like his coming over without any notice and just walking in the house when Im in the middle of stuff.

I seriously hate that and will let him know.
But you cant plan things with him anyway. You have to do it the hard way.

Anyways its like Im not his partner any more and Im actually not Yay!! But its like he is still over and still in my face a bit. Feeling on edge because you never know when hell turn up and just plonk in on you gives me anxiety. Its like I have to listen for a car and things like that- things I used to do when I had agoraphobia/intense social phobia and hide under the bed etc.

Anyways- I learnt something in going for a walk with him and my dog today. And that is that every payday for some time, he had been doing drugs still. So Im so lucky Im not in that relationship anymore. Everything was nuts in that - its crazy now I see it in its reflection.
When your in it, you dont see the craziness as a whole like outsiders do.

Anyways I could not believe that he was actually doing drugs (ice) behind my back with his pension money. I could never work out how he never had any money left over after paying his bills for even fish food.
He would get only $500 to last a fortnight from the government. After his cigarettes, petrol, ice coffees everyday, youd think he would have at least up to $200 left over as he doesnt pay for his food etc. So it turns out he was prob paying that much in drugs in one sitting each payday. And he still should pay me back for $100 from the start of last year, the concert he went with me to. Said hed pay me back in $20s each week and never paid me back at all. And he calls me abusive.

And would not tell me. And would even ask for money to buy him ice coffees and things all the time. How could I, being responsible and always trying to overcome his shortenings on everything - trying to pave a path etc - and ne going out with someone like that lol?!

So I am SO HAPPY its bye bye to him. And he hasnt even gone to the goventment to put in his disability claim still. He had today that he could of done. And man, I printed out forms for him 6 months ago for that , and its took him ages to sign it . All he has to do for it is hand it in and he just doesnt do it. It drives me crazy - but its not my problem anymore.
I dont know why his mum cant help him. She doesnt. And not even his sister really.
He needs encouragment to go on the right path.

But anyway, its a dying activity.

I wrote to him this morning in high anger about how it was unfair to call me abusive and I actually wrote like I write on here to him for once. LOL I was fierce and honest and I was also in the right. I had factual evidence for things I mentioned and why I wasnt abusive. In any case if in inmagination we were in court - it would be him who was the abusive one.
Ive gone through so much almost torture with him and his ways when I shouldve exited.

Fear will stop you from doing kind things fro yourself. It can be all empowering.

I was afraid of being alone and losing those feminine feelings of being liked by a man (something I only dreamed of most of my life) and didnt want to be back alone in my insecure mind again. But if I were to CBT myself - I would say that I was thinking irrationally in fear anyways.

So at least, now I'm not and never will be in a relationship with Rugs ever again. Not in that way tho.

My next goal is to limit time with him too. To get him to respect my boundaries. Im going to hammer that into him.

My priority also is to have a decent rest from all this immense stress I have had since the beginning with him. Nearly 2 years.
Last year I was severely ill that I couldnt walk without being breathless and my heart beating fast. I was so worried. I thought it was a potassium overdose because of the loads of coconut water I drink. It turns out it was stress Im sure. Compounded stress with no break and overdoing it. I would have scarey panic attacks too. And my whole body ached and was stiff alot.

All last year.

Now I feel like Im slowly staring to relax and re-energise. But I need to have him - to give me my boundaries and not keep turning up when he feels like it.

Its not fair to me. I dont get privacy and all sorts.


Anyways - I will let my boundaries be known.


Im just happy I dont have him on my load anymore. What a huge load of crap that was . I was tirelessy helping him and he was indulging himself and that was it.

And I got sick and broke in the process and also outran my car.

I basically used all I had.

Ive learnt my lession now.

 

[grapevine]

Gosh I just look back weeks and weeks and can see now that the stress i had was mainly all to do with him and yet I kept thinking I could fix myself ..

And I also- now having the information- realise that he was acting aggressive and weird so often - that it wasnt his schizophrenia but that he as still doing drugs.

I can look back and cant believe what I put up with and what I was going out with

 

[grapevine]

So I still see rugs mostly everyday. But theres a HUGE relief and I feel SO much better now. I have my boundaries, I dont have to take on his craziness. I am aware Im lonely- but I know he is too- and that at the moment Im just concentrating on fixing my chronic fatigue health problems and so having someone to go to walks with helps push me to get out and exercise.

I am dumbfounded however how extreme his lifestyle is looking at it from an outsider now and without any input from me in his life other than going for walks.

He managed to spend $547 of his pension in 2 days!He was all depressed because he was surprised it was all gone. But in 2 days?? He 'had' to spend $100 dollars on drugs (thats just crazy when you have a budget of little $200 a week) and 170 to his mum and then money he owed a shop for pre-buying ciagrettes the week before etc. and so on.

So whats going on now is as Im not in the picture of being with him- but seeing him as a friend for walks- he keeps coming with these dysfunctional things and its loud and clear who the unstable one is you know. But its good because I dont have to take nay of this on at all.

I will never ever ever ever be his partner again. That wrecked me beyond belief. And I stayed around because I assumed there would be no friendship and mainly because of the crying he did in Dec - saying he wanted to end his life etc.. if I wasnt his gf- well I couldnt really bring it up, I was too afraid he would be distraught. But I knew it was going to end with him sayng so anyways. And that was really good.

As I move forward and start healing myself now, from all that intense stress from being with a drug addict with a severe mental illness - Im feeling like a weights lifted and like I can actually enjoying resting and laying in bed and just fully relax now. Where as before it was honestly like a nightmare that never ended. It was on my mind 24/7 like a big heavy boulder- keeping me up all the time and not allowing me to rest at all. i basically pushed myself in the ground trying to help him and trying to be a partner and it hurt with so much disappointment and confusion and repel from the crazies.

I know know that when I thought he was really going down hill with his illness- he was keeping from me he was drugging every fortnight or even every week and doing drug things with people. I mean, for gods sake - and I wrote and told him off and got that off my chest.
But anyways- he basically has fried his brain and his body is so toxic.
No wonder I got really ill all the time- each time I stayed over his place I would get such severe swollen glands and a headache and thought it was just his hairspray and cigarete smell- turns out it was probably much more than that. And i am a hugely chemically sensitive person lol.

So today I did something that was the most fun Ive had in such a long time. I took my mum to a boat wildlife tour for her 70th. It was just us two and it was so much fun. It was in our hometown, which is biggest tourist place in our state. We saw 30 dolphins come up to the boat and seals and tuna and looked at islands, and had such fun with high speed boat manoeuvres that made your stomach crawl. It was excilarating and so much fun.

So I get home, have tea and ask if rugs wanted to go for a walk like he asked this morning. I had to phone him, wake him up as he slept most of the day I assume. He has nothing to look forward to, no goals etc. Well, except he thinks hell be doing live shows of guitar with his reluctant friend on that/ in the near future. Anyways other than that - he just now sleeps or takes drugs. Hes all over the place in mood. He will always be a drug person with a damaged brain.

He was talking to his best friend from the city on the phone in one of our walks the other day and planing to go over to his place to play guitar (make a night of it) - but was talking about all his money gone this week (in 2 days_) but then saying he would have a $100 by next fortnight. I just cant believe he takes no consequences, hes just so out of control and stupid.

Anyways - rather than text me like he said he would this afternoon, he just comes over instead and walks in the house like always. (something Ive got to speak up about to him- wheather he will take offence and whether it will stick are things). Anyways- he comes over and is all angry, quite and rude. Tells me his sister is so horrible - apparrently his mum and sister were on a roadtrip to take the aunty back hom and promised rugs they would get him a Savoury Slice (some kind of bakery thing) - and then they told him when they got home that they gave one to the aunty to be polite to her and so didnt have one for him afterall.
He took such offence to that - like a little sooky child omg - he walked ahead of me and didnt say anything other that he was so mad as he was looking forward to eating that all day.
In my mind im like- thats all you have to look forward to? That youll sleep all day and look forward to that and thats it? Wheres your goals etc you know..
He was so rude to me in the process too. He didnt ask me about my boat adventure. I didnt mention it either because he did want to come but had no money anyway. And theres no way I was going to pay for him as I learnt ages ago I never get my money back. $100 from that concert and he never paid me back.
Anyways, i just feel like geezus- what a douche - and what a dissappointment- i thought at least a friend would like to hear about my exciting day - and have a nice walk with me. And turns out because he didnt get some food item today - he acts like that. He actually said it was rude of his sister to of promised him that and then change her mind -and i nearly very nearly (but because he was angry I didnt) - nearly mentioned last November and the week in my bday where all that week he had been getting me excited fro the drive to his home town where he would actually drive and fuel his car and take me around instead of the other way. And then on that weekend wake up and tell me he didnt want to spend that much on fuel and didnt want to go..
I mean that was a big deal for me and I got upset and ended up having to drive myself and have my mum for company to go out for the day - and I didnt act immature like he did today because he was disappointed he didnt get what he wanted. Thought he was getting.
Come to think about it, that was a constant thing in basics with him towards me all the time - I never got basic curteuos and give backs from him. I was always left in the open field of disappointment for so much Id give to him.

Anyways just reflecting now. This guy is a drugster and has fried his brain. He acts on impulse and doesnt think about other people.

Anyways. like I said i am concentrating on ridding my chronic fatigue and I am free of him other than going for walks.
Once Im feeling on top of my health a bit, I will start to emerge with my fear and find better social contacts.

 

[theslowesthand]

So things are "all good" right now then? Thats good to hear! :thumbup:

 

[grapevine]

Well im in a place that feels uncomfortable and yearning but at the same time understanding and respecting my feelings I guess.

Its weird because I see rugs mostly everyday still and thats fine. It is weird a bit but its also mutually respected that we both have our own dependencies from similar lonely fears i guess and so there is a need there we both use. The huge difference is not being fully emotionally involved and that is respected too that I am not. And of course, there is no physical aspects anymore, but hey getting up that close to someone that chronically smokes..
But I do yearn for a guy. I feel like Ive grown with having a guy there and so on. And I feel so duped and saddened that he isnt the one obviously and that he is so like he is - unwell and digging huge holes for himself. He was never ever able to meet me half way not even a step of the way and its quite sad. I do care and always have, and one of the reasons I always got so angry, i wanted to see the best in him but was overshadowed by his problems.
I guess I feel kind of empty. And I have to remember that Id been putting myself last and people pleasing for some time now from the relationship with him. I was just on auto-pilot and dragged myself into the ground.
To finally see reflection though, and be able to relax has been something Ive been waiting on for so long. I can now sleep a bit and so on.

Its funny because I longed to have my time to work back on myself and build back my health and development etc once again. Yet, now Im here it s really been a slow thing. Its been more about going through the backlash of emotions that I have been harbouring for ages. Letting go of all the stress. Its like I look at goals I want to achieve and things and I just cannot fully start them yet. I still need mental and physical rest I feel.

But yeah, there is a sadness. I feel like I had a guy and like Id never feel comfortable in getting one again etc... just my fear speaking.

Its like I've spent and still spend time with this guy and we have a mutual understanding that we are now just good friends. And Im quite happy and relieved with that. Its the outcome I wanted.
But its also a reminder of that gap that I did have where I wanted to feel loved and feminine etc.. you know those things.
But I know that I need to start with myself first. Start to build my self care up and realise I dnt really need a man for that. And start to just do those things again because I had found that when I did those things, good things would happen.

I guess Im just mourning the intimacy of the relationship. And its normal. And, Ive had a huge fear with feeling like I used to - overweight, severe low self esteem, cant talk to men, cant so******e or go out and just being in a co-dependency with my mum etc.. i mean Im in that same environment and that is a reason why rugs means quite a bit to me to still be in my life. Its a reminder that Im not who i was I guess.
But he is also someone I feel like I can make an example of myself to with goals and show him achievement to be able to encourage him and his sister to do the same.
Ive put on quite a bit of weight and im quite tired of the hot summer days atm. i am feeling out of somewhat with my wieght and health still. Its like you know when your ready to start being conscious of your habits and Im getting there- ive just been indulging in the break up with letting all that stress go and so on.
I feel like I want to feel again though. i feel like deep inside me I am so upset about rugs, that he can never be what I first thought he could be. Im mourning that fake ideal I once had, and Im mourning that the very loving and caring nature he had was so surrounded in problems that it made everything so disappointing. I was always fighting that I did love him but hated all that behaviour and different tastes and values. Or more put - lack of values.
When I wanted a man- he was a child etc you know.
It just really sux to of had things and feeling like I was duped. And its iike, if I have a sane boyfriend oneday, is he going to think Im nutty lol? Is he going to be as entertaining and ammusing as rugs ? lol Will I find someone with the same warped sense of humour? lol

Anyway, rugs is still there and i am happy about that. And i can state my boundaries too.
If he were completely of gone out of my life i would have been a bit more depressed as I wouldve felt easily very alone and stuck back in my old anti-social days. Im sure I wouldve struggled alot. It would of been like it once was 10 years ago and just social to 0 again.
So I am glad he is still here.

 

[theslowesthand]

I'm glad you're glad.

 

[grapevine]

Yes Im glad.
Im relieved.

 

[grapevine]

Its funny how as soon as you end a relationship, all your insecurities come flying back. I know that I entered that relationship because I needed and even consciously wanted validation. I wanted a guy to help boost my self esteem and rid me of my bdd. Its pretty tragic. So in a way I used him to be able to find some comfort in me from myself. And this was fully knowing from the begining that he wasnt quite right at all, like huge red flags and that even so that it even plagued my bdd lol.
Well anyway, Im much more confident in certain respects now then I was. Im not afraid of men anymore anyways.

I guess I just think tho now, in the future - that actually dating a sane and mature minded guy would highlight my insanities lol. But thats just a fear.

At the moment Im dealing with a bit of the sadness as rugs is a friend and its all good- I stay out of his crazy world - but still have some company. And a mutual understanding.
Hes still crazy lol.
Some of it seems to make me loose my self esteem because he did it - he broke it off and he said that he didnt have feelings anymore and that he couldnt do things in his life anymore because I diagreed with them. And he called me a bookworm lol

I feel like its the same story. I am passive in my abilities to people in person. I feel like he saw me small and not my fullest potential. That he thinks he does more in his life than me, and he cannot see the basic things that he lacked and how much a toll that was on me.
But I say I have grace and I feel better lol. What has got me the last few days is the bdd stuff and thinking about me and how I look.
I was looking through pictures of myself that he took. I never let him take photos as its my bdd thing. But hed take them from behind without telling me and upload them with other photos online. Id saved them and have attacks over them and then be okay. lol

But in every photo, like he would emphasis right from the start, that I looked dull and always in grey and colours like that, that I always wore my hair the same ponytail etc..

and of course, because i got into that relationship to try and get some positive feedback to myself - and I did - but I also got these things and they for some reason- even though I feel I matured - seem to get straight back to me. Its like my brain is telling me I failed.
That doing self care- whats the point because im not going to look any real different etc.
So im in a space there.

In my defence, I will say Id been very sick for a whole year last year and it was horrible. I was short of breath everyday, hardly had the energy to walk or do just about anything, so stressed that my head was going to explode and I couldnt sleep, aches and pains like the flu etc..

Its funny alot of that has gone away now. So i know where the cause lied mostly.

Ive put on a bit of weight, and Ive been stuck in the same everyday of the week- grey tights and grey cardigan and various plain tshirts lol.
Been like that for a fair time now. I stopped at taking care of myself and now I finally have the time to and I just feel bad about myself. In the relationship, I would do outrageous things all the time to get his attention. He would be more interested in his own selfies than actually be fully present with me most of the time. So I would play his game and draw him disturbingly funny cartoons online or make disturbingly cut out photos of him merged with other people - they were out of spite usually as I just wanted attention and my needs met but never got them like I wanted most of the time. Id stay up and do a painting - theres this one I did not long ago of that old michael jackson movie - and I drew rugs face as mj - the poster looked like the movie poster only hilarious because of his face and his car in it.
Anyways- he thought it was cool. I feel like that was what that relationship was like- me always trying to shock him so that I could impress him and take him out of himself. Because Id be over-compenstaing for him in nearly all areas- being like his mum mixed with the provider in the relationship that I felt like he needed to be present with me more and give back more but hed instead be delusioned and stuck in his own presence online of himself.
Hed also be invading my boundaries all the time. All of that made me spiteful over time. And I drew disturbing cartoons to compensate lol.

I guess, thinking that Im the one that was the baddie in the relationship melt down - is like taking a pill that I shouldnt have to take. But I know the truth and anyone else would too.
Its plain as day.

So anyways off to my work now. They are just as bad.

 

[theslowesthand]

But in every photo, like he would emphasis right from the start, that I looked dull and always in grey and colours like that

As a child & teen, i always wore dull colors, mainly blues & greys, so as not to "stand out" (ie so to try to stop people noticing me & looking at me, as i was VERY self-conscious). Then after school, i went to tech, and wore what? the EXACT SAME outfit every single day, and it was light grey longs & a white (with blue collar & cuffs) nylon top, with white/blue sneakers; VERY dull; it was as dull as the school uniform (light grey & dark grey).

In my defence, I will say Id been very sick for a whole year last year and it was horrible. I was short of breath everyday, hardly had the energy to walk or do just about anything, so stressed that my head was going to explode and I couldnt sleep, aches and pains like the flu etc..
Its funny alot of that has gone away now. So i know where the cause lied mostly.

I strongly suspect you were reacting to the toxins from his environment/person.

 

[grapevine]

Well -my stress levels have been high once again. Its the pit I always fall into. The anxiety stuff. So, when Im working - and its a local charity I work for - sorting piles among piles of donated clothes and sorts for their 2 small shops. Bare in mind I am the only one actually sorting this stuff and only work there 2 times a week. And open donations and throw away tons of old people mothball clothes and good intentions. And I keep the best and very best for our community, for our shops. I go through up to 20 or more bags a day at peak times. Its def a workout. My work doesn't supply me with basic tools either- like boxes or even information- you have to learn to make do and be your own boss really.Did I metion also their checks to me bounce and things like that? Im still waiting for my back pay.The thing is my anxiety makes me overdo it big time. I don't even stop for lunch or a break - I just nibble on the go kind a thing. And then, when I'm finished for the day and have to clean up after myself and then drive home - which is in the next town btw. I am so so exhausted like my body has completely rejected me.

But the thing is - I keep going. I'll usually go get a stimulant like a vegan chocolate and the caffeine will push me to go for the walk with rugs like most afternoons. And then tho, last week I was feeling like I needed that comfort feeling, I was vulnerable wanting to have a big hug and feel needed and feminine and all that. Needing to feel independent and away from that person I used to be for such a long time. That a-sexual, overweight, social and everything in between scared to live person that devoted most of her time to doing things for her parents she lived with. A sort of co-dependency with her mum etc. Mum cant drive- has a cochlea implant - Im like her right hip most of the time. And I live at home. And dad is never home. Always at bowls. So its always been me once I got my license.
Anyways, yeah Rugs is afraid ,I feel to be on his own alot. He gets bored and just always wants to be socially stimulated but in a kind of shallow way. Always still asking me over now, (purely as friends that is), well watch a few films and netflix and Ill go home.
And thats what happened last week. After work, and I am dead tired and so exausted, needed to nourish my body with rest and good slow eating of my tea.
But what happens is I have chocolate which makes me talk alot. I get 30-40 minutes after I come home to make and have my tea before rugs comes over for a walk. We take my dog to the beach, I drive us there. The fresh air is rewarding. Anyways I end up going over to his place, he drives me there and then is too tired to drive me back and I end up sleeping over in his bed - with pillows in the middle. And that night I just kept going - I was on the chocolate (very sensitive to caffiene) and also on the high anxiety and I just want control and I end up cleaning his entire shed/room. Well, what I could. Because it was disgusting. It stank of dog wee as he hadnt really been cleaning his lino properly and there were all tobacco peices everywhere, it just smelt horrific as I wasnt used to going over there in a while like I used to. I used to always clean his place and buy cleaning wipes and detergents/mops, bed sheets etc .. you name it. I just wanted to cleant that place lol. But its him and his lifestyle and what ever that makes it like that. And its all the time. Gosh, I mean who has a computer mouse with loads of gunk on it? Im talking tobacco mixed with hairspray which must be from his hands. I would scrape some off with a knife it was that bad. Not to mention all the big white balls of hairspray in his hair all the time lol.
But you know, I got ill after being there. I dont mind going there to get a little independence from home - but he is a huge toxic person regarding toxins lol.
But yes, I was silly. He asks me to come over and Im like Ill think about it. And then I end up there and we watch a film, then he cant concentrate and then its like - cant help it - this place is supurbly bad. And so, I went from all day with no break working carrying huge bags and going in and out of them, driving home, making my tea (sitting for 15 minutes), then driving to the beach to take rugs and the dog for a walk, going on that beach walk for an hour nearly. Then driving back home. Then packing a few things then sitting in his modern car that is not his but that he has smoked in and stinks so bad I have to lean my head out the window (instant illness), then clean his place for 2 hours or more cause it needed to be done, then sleep but not like his smells still there. Then, he drives me home in the morning and I get ready for work. Mind you, when ever I would stay over his place- Id never brush my teeth (well not in the bathroom anyway) or wash my face. The bathroom is in the house, where his mum is and his sister and I was too shy to go in and out. So Id never have my comforts. And then there is stinky him. He is like feral. Or grubby. Basic hygiene and cleanliness is not something he is good at all. He is not even good at keeping up anything.
Except his addictions and acting like a child with no responsibilities lol.
Im not trying to be horrible here, there is a touch of wanting to blare it out, but its ligit observation that indeed he acts like a kid.

So I over-did it last week. And also with my mum lately too. Ive over done it there too.
Im the purple people pleaser.

Im learning that Im scared to be in my own world for extended periods of time. Because I fear being in the same environment where my old un-serving behaviours would arise. I have a fear that where im at now is where I was back 10 years ago- the last time i was with a guy and the last time i got rejected. I tried to hang on to being slim and healthy and feeling attractive and feminine and with good self esteem, but the backload of stress and eating disorders - and what i went through, it all turned into a need in my body to conserve and slowdown and to turn back into the fat unnattractive asexual girl again. I had big fears about that then that no will power could override my fear which became my world and I ended up later obese and not going out again and not having a life. I was like that for 8-9 years.
So I fear that because I got slim and felt attractive again, had a guy again, and then got rejected again, I feel like Im destined to get obese again, a sexual again and just go around like i used to feeling ashamed and uncomfortable in my body again and not having a life.Being so ashamed to even walk into a supermarket. That kind of thing.
And the thing is, Ive been putting on weight now. And Im feeling depressed. Im feeling like Im heading in a path I dont want to go. My clothes arent fitting anymore. I used to be an XS and now a medium or even more.
I was so happy before. I used to have this feeling in my body like I was free kind of thing. That was the large percent raw diet I was on. My body would urge me to exercise- it loved it and I felt amazing.
Im trying to get the steps mentally to get there again. Its just hard a bit. I put myself last.

 

[Graeme1988]

Im the purple people pleaser.

Story of my life, except I'm more tanned. :bigsmile:

Sorry, just thought of that wee self-deprecating joke. Can definitely relate to being a people pleaser and overdoing things when it comes to that. But, ye gotta keep the folk around ye happy at all times, huh? At least that's how it is with me.

Sound like you're having a difficult time at the moment. Is there no way you give yourself a wee break from the stress? :question: Not saying this to mean, and apologises if I'm stating the obvious a bit, but, you get that it's okay to put yourself first once in a while? Just sayin'...

I know easier said than done if yer people pleaser. Since we rarely prioritising our needs over others.