Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

I dont want to write this. I feel so flat. I feel like i cant get away. I feel confused. I feel caged.

So yesterday I got a disturbing text from rugs saying that he was not good at all. He had been at his volunteer work moving furniture and was very very down.

I wrote back to him asking how what was wrong and that its okay to feel that way.
I then went to my therapist and we talked a lot about stuff.

Then when I got home I got another message from rugs saying that he was not okay at all and didnt feel like going on.

He was very very depressed and felt like he had no life.

So being me, I said how about I come over and we can do xmas presents then? Adn he replied 'yes please'.

So I came around and saw him so upset. He had been crying for quite a while by the looks of it. And when we sat on the couch, he was still crying. It was quite painful to see. He was so upset. It just kept coming. And he said in a small voice that he had nothing to live for.
Sitting on that couch and so upset. He said he cannot take breaking up and not being my bf. And that not going on walks or anything like that. Not seeing me, that it was too much for him. He cried for over and hour.
How could I say anything to someone in that position? I had to tell him that I wasnt up to being in a relationship. But it ended up with me saying that fine ill be your gf but I just cant really do that for some time.

i mean, I did want to go for walks still and stuff - but as a friend. But he surely cannot handle that.

I felt that even so being so upset and depressed, that it was more about him than about me and that it wasnt fair. I know he cant tolerate things much and I know that he had more feelings for me than me for him.

But now I am so depressed and feel stuck. I jsut dont want to get out of bed now. I dont know what Ive done only that I dont feel comfortable around men atm because ive been eating so much and rapidly putting on weight. I just dont really want to be in a relaionship right now, but want to be friends with him.

So I might tell him this again, work something out with him.
But this is all too draining. I feel like I had been hijacked and it not fair for either.
Its so draining.
Hes not doing any internet anymore, hes quite smoking and he over exercised to the point where his arms dont work atm.
But no matter what he does- me thinking about his family and his sister and their weirdness and him and his childlike stuff that I have to almost be like a carer - its too much for me.

I dont know what Ive done. I mean, at the same time he has room for improvement - but thats unfair too. I told him nothing serious.
That things I jsut cant do right now.

But Ive done dmagae to him even more so.
And I just feel like ruining myself - eating and getting real fat and not leaving my bed. Its ike I cant tell my mum about this - she doesnt like rugs much seeing how I got upset alot and my health declined. My best friend from overseas told me to think about myself.
Rugs says he isnt the same person and that he has changed and is changing.
But I cant go there. I need to think about my health.
I jsut want to be nothing serious and nothing to noone for a while. idk. I just know that with him i end up with too much resenment and thoughts that make me so ill.

I feel extremely depressed and like a terrible person. I keep feeling his feelings over my own. I keep thinking about him

What am i suppsed to do? I do have feelings. But i think he has much deeper ones. I dont have them because of his illness and lack of things that attract me - mainly values and other things. But i stil think of him in ways and get distraught not thinking about him in those ways. But my therapist said to envision someone with some of those qualities but not him.
But he now thinks we are still going out and I am just doing my thing to get well.
Which is kinda okay- but not at the same time.

I just want somewhere in between. this is just too much. I cannot be in a situation where I have to keep carrying him like I was in the relationship. And he cant do it any other way.

Im not well - im deep in depression and anxiety and cannot cope with it. And yet for me to tell him that i cant right now means having to face his big not wanting to live thing and crying for hours.

and it brings back feelings for him. And yet that feeling of being locked in with all the weirdness of his world - its like there is a good part and a bad part to him and I cannot cope with the bad parts right now.

What am I supposed to do? I feel torn and rotten. Cant hardly get out of bed. And Im eating junk like its a thing. Putting on weight pretty rapidly too.

 

[Sacrament]

By the looks of it, I don't think you'll ever let go of him. He needs to understand that he cannot rely on another person to be happy, or to find joy in doing everyday things. He needs to find that first, by himself, and then go on and share it with someone who's willing to share theirs.

 

[grapevine]

Ive told him that. But he just emotionally cannot understand. It draws on my own feelings.
I feel so heartbroken and cant function.

My aim is to get him in person again and to tell him exactly how I feel and what I want. To be friends. That I wonder if there is a middle way idk.

Its like I have feelings - but its covered with all that 'stuff' that would go on that most of all of it he as not aware and that I cant exactly do well for him to tell him about all that stuff.

I just need to tell him that I'm not in a position to be in a relationship right now. Even tho its such a lure to be in one with him. But that he cannot deal with that. that hurts too. It's like whatever I decide, none of it leaves me in a good place and I just feel trapped and confined to be in bed with depression as I cannot handle any of it.

When I was talking to him in person yesterday - it was a horrible feeling that he was grovling. That he couldnt live without me being his partner. It was so upsetting. His life is too small and I was the one building it for him. It was so obvious. He cant do those things himself. I spend a good 40 mins trying to explain to him that I wanted him to do things for himself - that what else could he do that would make him happy etc. All he could say was that he couldnt think about that and that he wasnt on the internet anymore at all that he wont touch his laptop anymore ( how realistic is that?) and that hes gone a day without smoking and also he doesnt take selfies anymore.

Everything feels so immensely difficult to do.

 

[grapevine]

Okay, so I got him in person today. I asked to go for a walk with him and told him I was not sitting well with things. I explained to him that I feel I just cant do the relationship thing and was too far burnt out to even attempt that. He said that was okay, but he still holds hope with me and considers me his gf or close friend but on a break or something - even tho I am telling him I cannot be in a relationship right now and for how knows how long. Because thats the truth esp with him. It made me feel better tho that I said that to him and I didnt see him so upset like yesterday.

So he knows where I stand and whatever he is to me, that he knows I just cannot do the relationship thing. But that we will meet up every now and then to go for walks and that sort of thing.

My aim is that over time he will lose interest in me. Things will change. Maybe he might better himself through this as I did explain to him about like what Sacrement said about me being his only daily happiness. His concern with crying so much yesterday was that thinking hed never see me again and that he couldnt deal with not being in a relationship - but ive told him I cant deal with being in one. So things are just different on both ends. He is at least still starting to do his own things. And thats a good thing.


But my number one thing is to just not even deal with this at the moment. That this resolve is as close as it gets to being in that good zone for now and that as time goes on it should be okay as long as I distance myself alot more and also forget about him and his needs and start dealing with my own. Its not a healthy option, but its at least somewhere in the middle. I have all free time to myself anyway.

 

[grapevine]

I cant believe how ill i feel from this flu. My neck has swollen that in bending my head it feels like its so obstructed.

I feel like death today.

 

[grapevine]

omg - the last few days have been exahuasting. And now its all over and feels amazing lol.
All that pressure and stuff - so many things to do - as we were putting on the family early xmas party today and my mum with a broken arm - even tho Im always doing things - I went out and baked loads of gingerbread for everybody to take hom and for the table. It was really good- had to clean the whole house- everyhting
.

It was a good day and it cut short and I was happy with that as the guests come from so far.

But now -its all over and I dont have to worry about it. Now I get to just concentrate on myself and my self care stuff now - get back on the band wagon and start nurturing myself back to health. Above anything else. So im happy im free now to do that.

 

[grapevine]

Ive had time on my own.Im kinda in charge now. Its feeling better. Its still confusing and frustrating but its at least alot better than it was and its getting better as im feeling more and more confident about my boundaries as its aware that I have basically fried my energy and everything else from 'things' lets just say.

Its funny when Ive said to him that I just cant be in a relationship right now- that he cannot take that as an answer and basically says that we still are - just im doing my thing. He thinks that as long as he is in a relationship with me- everything is okay. But im pretty tough out on my own, Im a very busy person lately and its left him to his own devices. And I think, he is realising more and more how empty his life really is. Every time I see him (which is not often anymore) tho we talk every day online for bits and bobs. I have emphasized to him how important it is for him to concentrate on making his life bigger and more passionate for himself - but it kinda doesnt get anywhere. Thats part of his illness - one part is delsusional of granduer - making everything so shallow and no room for growing and the other is so condensed into a world that is insecure from being mostly unable to (not entirely but<) to be responsible for his own needs.
What ive found in myself is that it can play on my learnt values. Ive found out from being with him what alot of my values are - the newer ones I didnt have before. I value a good work ethic and being responsible for yourself if you can. I value having goals and working towards them. That sort of thing. And so when I look at what him and his sister delve in most days - doing nothing particular- esp him. Just those selfies and updating thier instagram and facebook with their homely leisures rather than actually doing those things they need to be doing - being responsible for. It gets on my nerves. Its like this guy is just some big baby being plonked on me at times. I dont want to have to bother to remind him to lodged his disability application (which is only has to do now and wont bother) or to put new water in his fish tank - all basic things and it gets even basic than that.
So I back away. It causes stress and frustration and I just cant cope with that.
How do you even tell this guy ( about his lack of responsibilities / goals/ future etc) - who now is sensitive to my 'negativity' as the other day on a rare walk I was telling him how horrible he was before he went out with me- how for those 5 months after he asked me that new years - that he completely ignored me, how I thought that was a date and how I became so ill because I let it all get to me. That he didnt even know what he had done. It was awful. He got all aggresive at me from that- but I persisted in answering back to him with the rightious words lol Im good at that. He got quite upset later and said that he didnt want to talk about negative things. I told him if I have a problem im not going to sweep it under the carpet and be fake. lol. I cant remember what he said from that.
But anyway. He did say he cares for me alot and he knows hes up himself and selfish and all that etc.
Its funny now as its creating this onesided relationship. Ive told him where I stand and he still over-does it with all this lovey stuff I cant stand. But I havent told him I cant stand it- Ive told him though that I just cant do the relationship thing anymore- but he doesnt take that for anything. lol.
So Im just - I talk to him online everyday and just do my thing now. It gets tiring as I find that whilst im extrememly busy- hes just staying at home not watching movies but having them on and basically doing nothing- like wanting to know when Im going to be back.
He delves into his own online delsusions again and it makes me feel quite sick when I see those things.

But he has no idea of the dysfunctional life he has - his siter has and his mum has become adhearing and accepting (thats the only way I guess) to this and not even realiising the extreme of her sons delsusions and so on. She wanted me to have his baby. I mean really for gods sake lol. Thats like a suicide to my life. For one, he cannot make a desicion and stick with it - he is very unloyal in plans.

Anyways as time goes on and I get well again- I will drift apart from him more and more. I want to come to a point where we are just friends and he is comfortable with that. It will take some time if it happens that way. But right now - the ball is in my court and even tho I shudder at still being in this shallow dysfunctional delusional relationship - Im just coming to a point wher Im pushing it away- firstly with being extra busy in this season - and secondly by concentrating on getting myself well and growing agiain.

Sure he cares for me- but im not going to put up with the stress that comes with him. I cannot take it - it threw me and dragged me in the dirt being in this relationship and enduring all the illness.

 

[Sacrament]

It gets to a point where it doesn't matter what you tell him anymore, he has to realize those things on his own. In a way he probably does, and doesn't really want to do anything about it, either through lack of willpower or simply because of his illness. He needs counseling, someone who'll keep tabs on his mental condition and guide him appropriately. His life was already 'empty' when he was in a relationship with you, the only difference being it wasn't as obvious to him because he could keep busy hanging out with you.

 

[grapevine]

yes- and gosh- its like hes just completely unable to be responsible for anything in his life and that I have to carry that burden - his because even when its xmas day and I know he is depressed because his father is not there and its a big black hole - a reminder - I get that- but I spent the day at home with my family - I was upset last year as out of obligation as rugs was so demanding of my presence always - that I was unable to have that traditional morning with my parents and unwrap and watch them unwrap presents. I had to go at lunchtime and then even that time I had - rugs came over later.
But this time I put my foot down a bit. And had my time with my family. Tho I had to go visit him at his as he was all depressed because his father not being there.
It just makes me feel so stressed out when he says things like he was so depressed - until he saw me today and he feels a lot better- that he had to see me. I had to push my way out my family door - my mum didn't like it as I have my niece and nephew over who are very demanding.
Basically, his christmas with his family has always been an independent and a bit lonely one. they kinda arent a bit like my family. And its like he is relying on me once again to pick up those empty pieces.

Im not his lover ( i dont want to be - im so tied and tired from things)- he may think that- but im more a filler for his empty life and he is now so dependent on me. Even if I try to tell him front up about this - he reckons he is not- but he is more than dependent on me.

It sux.

Hes basically at home all the time- doing nothing at all. 'cleaning' his room. He got me xmas presents of mainly all stuffed second hand toys- that ends up at his place because I have no room and 2nd hand kids books and a tape of beaches (yes a defunct cassette tape) and so on. All 2nd hand. He thinks those things are so cool. He then puts my 'dolls' around his room to display.

He took me to his home town the other day. Rang me up after work when I was so exausted as I havent been well too. And is like ill take you to that town I didnt take you to on your bday. Because it was xmas time - I stayed over his place which is something I dont do much of these days esp straight after work. Im so exahausted just in getting home that I dont get to sit down as Ive got to shower and pack and make my tea and eat it - all that in a short time just to be able to get there a certain time and its severe agony in pushing myself beyond the wall. Thats how I got my adreanal fatigued in the first place. But because it was xmas and I wanted that time with my family on the day I said yes to just before with him to open presents and stuff.
The next day he drove me for once - to a place I hadn't been- his hometown. This was on my bday in November when I got so upset that he said after all week in being eager to take me that he didn't want to. And I had to make up and do find a plan with my mum instead to celebrate. I was so upset and angry. Anyway- he realised that it was a thing - so he tried to make it up for me. But did not plan it. I basically over pushed myself the other doing that trip when I really needed recovery and rest at home. Anyways, he spent $30 on fuel apparently and had $12 left in his bank account to last him a fortnight (???!!!). He could have planned it and budgeted - hes so infuriating/frustrating with he irresponsibilities he leaves.

Anyways that day and it was really warm and he was sweating. A thing he does is wear basketball shorts with no underwear underneath. But he wears the same thing for days on end and only had one pair of shorts. He'd be wearing the same clothes for even weeks. His clothes would have this stench on them as hed have showers all the time, but then put back on these really strong odor , dirty clothes again and again. And it be like - I have to say something. Such a strong smell.
Its basic responsibilities.

Im just so tired of it. I cant be there for him when Im not well myself.

Anway. Im going to have to state how I am feeling from him. REally tell him how he is using me for his huge gaps in his life and completely unable to even recognise it.
Its not healthy.

Esp not for me. Im trying to different myself from him. All the things that I am trying to get for myself are like the cryptonite for him. He just cant go there.

How do you have a conversation with someone about basic responsibilitles and getting a life for themselves and about how you (I) need certain things in a man to be able to actually be in a parrtnership.

Not a disabled child like he feels like to me.

You dont sit around mooping, waiting for your partner to entertain you and pretending or not recognising that your actually doing that.

Its so much carry for me and how do I get him to see that? I think after the last month hes realised a tiny specal that he has to do things more than he was doing.

But its like this rope I have to guide him to try to lift him up even as a friend. His goal is to have good times with me going for walks and exploring new areas around our tourist town. He has quit smoking though - for quite some time now been using the spray stuff and only having one or two when he is anxious a day - far from the 20 he was doing before.

My theory with him as I saw some childhood vidoes he put online with when he was quite young with his father and his sister - is that he looked like one of those kids that had a learning difficulty and didn't understand social dynamics much and the same a bit with his sister. I do know that he spent time in the special classes at school because of his learning disability. I also know that his father seemed to be a careless type on morals to me- I mean he was supposedly smart and did things for people - he was a teacher and alot of people came to his funeral even from knowing him a short time - so he impacted them somewhat alot. But rugs has told me that he would do maths tests for him and fill out take home exams for him- that sort of thing - with no thought about it. like an exam for a tranieship in his 20s for a distubuting company - a forklift job- he had to do maths exam - and would just give it to his dad to do for him.
I also have an inkling through home photos and videos ive seen and also talk from rugs - that his father was a big spender, was careless with money and things like that- and would do things without really thinking perhaps. Thats what it seems like. And that he would have a big ego- look in the mirror alot back in the day without any thought wrong of it perhaps. Theres photos of his dad wearing copious amounts of gold jewellery and also he had his own portable disco with his name on it hed set up back in the day.
He just seemed to me a guy that would spend and give to his children what ever they wanted and not actually set boundaries for them much and explain things perhaps. And the mother, someone who is always a bit insecure and anxious and would give in to everything they wanted too.
So with rugs- him and his sister have grown up to not really have those clear morals and lessions in boudaries/responsibilities.
I feel its kind of like the Freud explantation of schizophrenia in that the ego hasnt really developed yet in both of them, so they resort back to that stage where you are like a demanding child without the ego control. I think its also a bit of genetics too.
But its def to me, that the way they both act - thats its like an insight into what is going on there.

I know that when I was 14 and got sexually abused/highlighted when I was unable to understand what was going on and was ashamed and all that. I basically after that began a lifetime of in my 20s of being like a child - not entirely of course - but figuriatively. I regressed back into a careless child type 'safe' state where I didnt have to be sexual. Which meant, being like pre-teen still almost - before I went into that stage of makeup and dressing up and all that. I lacked alot of responsibilities of an adult - most of them- like rugs does now. I grew up with a mother that would do things for me in anxiety rather than wait for me to understand what to do - Id be one of those kids that would just stand there and my mum would just get frustrated and do alot of things for me. I didnt shower on my own until I was 11. So I grew up in my 20s regressed but with that mindset that I couldnt do anything myself - that I needed somebody to give me permission to do things. I never relied on myself for over a decade.

So I can see slightly similar things in rugs. There are alot of things that turned me around though. Funny thing is that being with an emotionally abusive guy - the one off thing I did where I got the courage to fly interstate to Sydney (first time flying - and get out of my agoraphobia and push my social phobia just for some guy) back in 2007 when I was in my early 20s - having that guy behave the way he did to me- I see similar behaviour and thoughts in that guy like I have for rugs now. He was frustrated with me (tho he was abusive though) because I was relying on him to do things for me- and he would push me to try and be responsible for myself. After he left me at the airport on my own and I felt like nothing- (he had alot of issues himself - i mean I was 24 and getting over my problems and he was 29/30 and looking for a future with someone with strict family values being in an asian family)-. I can see some similarities with rugs and me. Tho I did try back then within my illness - I tried and tried as it was the only way to be accepted.
And then when I was just left alone and he never wanted to know me - years past with me thinking about it over and over. I had to get over alot - I was extrememly sick and even suicidal. But through it all, now 10 years. It completely changed me ofr the better. I found out that i could take responsibility for myself -I just didnt know that i could before- I didnt realise because of the way I had been brought up. Its wierd to say- but it was like this road block in me where Id feel insecure and kinda halted unless I had someone to tell me and fix things up for me to start that I could really do them - I mean adult type responsibility things.

And it funny to see me now as someone not only with my own responsibilities but my parents and rugs and work and workmates etc..
Its actually quite weird. How much Ive changed over the years in so many ways.

But anyway- rugs just frustrates me. Does he need me to leave him at an airport and never see him again and tell him horrible things for him to do a turnaround too? lol

You cant help the way you are brought up. And when you are behaving in a way in your 20s-and so on from illness that has made you resort to your infant self - and your learnt behaviours from your parents- you have no idea your doing what you are doing until it impacts on another person/ a partner's interactions with you. And even then, you still cant completely see it as its unconcious.

But the thing is with him - nothing goes through. His father I think was shalllow minded and consumerised and I think he has the same morals. Being carefree and expecting people to do things for him.

 

[Sacrament]

This whole thing with rugs will just keep going around and around. Maybe talk to his mom and tell her he needs a therapist he can go to regularly, and maybe find things he can do like helping places that deal with homeless dogs, etc. He needs to find things he can be busy enough with that he'll stop going after you 100%.

 

[grapevine]

Yes - Im looking into things like this. But it comes at a time where Im wanting to concentrate on myself. I think he can listen and understand - but to make him really get it is a thing and for him to not get all upset is another thing too.
I think, through my own distancing and independence and continual telling him and then adding further to telling him and suggestions is a far as ill go for the next month.

So many things he could be doing - but just ends up depressed and sleeping and getting secretly upset because im not there. How can he not realise what e has done to himself and tied his identiy with me?

He goes on about me being his one true love etc - all this lovey stuff and it makes me feel kinda sick really. And when he goes on about how he wouldnt or doesnt want anyone else- the truth is that he has no motivation to bother to do anything or plan anything and that is what highlights that and the fact that that it would be hard for him to even get some woman- they would prob just like me at the time and in-experienced/naive and low sefl esteeem.

I just have to keep on expressing to him more and more and more. Let him know that he is not what I want- I havent realy been able to do that yet - its not a nice things to highlight that person's elephants in the room - their holes, even if they are all encompassing.

Hes not someone - not a partner where you can just do your thing and know that he is doing his and will look after you. Hes a partner that you do your thing and know that he cant look after himself. Someone who you have a one sided conversation with about your life and the things youve been up to and he hardly says a word- does not have anything to talk about in his life and you think he is listening but more than so - he just needs someone to talk to not make him feel so lonely.

Its like - 'what did you do today, what was your day like?' and theres nothing to tell. And it feels like its my responsibility as hes putting his own needs onto me by putting me in that square of everything he needs.

There are places I can go- my therapist gave me info on a guy that comes to your place and structures your day for you - a mental health worker.
I wanted him ages ago to go to a small college (TAFE) its a technical one and just do some small easy course- because I know that would encourage him - open doors for him socially and so on. But the thing is that he ends up not wanting to go to all these things.

And like Im doing now, im thinking all about him and his needs once again whilst neglecting my own.

Ive had a goal that after xmas and esp after all the food lol- that I am going to start up my self care routiene and feel really good about myself again. Ive had to explained this to rugs. He gets it, and then completely forgets what that means. He does that- says things and then doesnt go through with them. Nothing he says is never loyal to his actions, they are easily forgotten. And that is so infuriating sometimes.

But anyway, Im going through my thing regardless. But its just tho that I feel like working on myself and doing self care and feeling and looking well for my self esteem- it feels like in doing so will lead me more to the wrong place with him and so it makes me not want to look after myself. How silly is that.

At the end of the day, its my life and I will not be bowed down by obligation from him. He has been so quick in the past to state his differences in things he doesnt want- very quick in assertiveness - quite rotten even. And yet here I am going along with things I dont want as to not hurt him.
But he cant take no for an answer.

Its like I care and I want him to recognise his own needs and how to fill them- its my nature to help like that- like most people would be. But to do so means completely forgetting about myself and neglecting myself and being frustrated at trying to change someone. It doesnt work and hurts everyone at the end of the day. And even tho I know that- its like gosh you just cant help it.

So my thing is to look after myself -of all the things I carefully explained to him about my goals and what I will be doing after xmas and concentrating on myself - no-one else - and that I cant be in a relationship. I told him that he needed to do the same with himself. Work on his own hapiness and find other ways to feel passionate and things. Told hims that is absolutely critical for him.
How many times Ive told him all this. And yet his goal is to go out and do fun things with me.
It just makes me so frustrated. His goal should be to get himself out of his dire depressive state and not rely on me- not be a leach and invade my boundaries. He just ends up like some kid in detention - sitting in his room with nothing to do feeling empty.
Its not my problem.

The only solution short term I have right now is to just do my own things- keep him at bay and let him know that he should be doing his things. To tell him like we discussed so many times - like I told him. To stay true to my word. The other thing is to just chieve my goals and keep on working on myself again. Not to show him entirely- but to let him see that I mean business - perhaps to encourage him maybe, unlikely - but you never know.

I just cant stand his self ignorance being placed on me. Even into hygiene issues.

 

[grapevine]

Had my niece and nephew and sister over for 2 whole days and nights and its been torturous really lol. I hadnt been able to do my thing since Friday and its Wednsday. Friday I knocked off work, came home exausted - took mum shopping then quickly rushed to make my tea and shower and get dressed to stay over rugs as we were doing the xmas thing early so I could do all that on the day with my own family independently. Then he took me for a drive on Saturaday to his home town - the thing he wasnt going to do on my bday and now made it up to do it- only I was so exausted and all I wanted to do was my own thing and rest on that saturday and he didnt plan it- it was spur of the moment. But I just went with it. And then of course I got quite ill again with flu like symptoms and a throbbing swollen lymph in the neck. So I stayed over that saturday night. And then on Sunday was home around lunch where I had to take my mum shopping. then had a slight relax and xmas morning - till my sister and the kids got here and now I am so exahusted and there gone and its nearly Thursday and I cant remember if I have to go work or not lol.

Thing is that I told Rugs that I would go to his place by 7 after my sister and the kids left. But they ended up staying for some time and I hadnt been able to do anything as the kids are very full on.
He sleeps most days now. Im not there and hes all depressed and just sleeps. Then peps up when I get there but hs nothing to really do - no idea of things to do.Then tells me thanks for coming over and that he is happy im there - that sort of thing. Simarly, I tell hm tonight that its best I stay home instead as I didnt expect my family to stay so long and because i hadnt had time to myself at all in many many days- and been hanging out for it- its like a huge stretch. Going over to his means missing out on my basic care for myself - not being able to unwind because I have to rush to make my tea and pack and shower and everything. I dont know why but he never has anything on and is never in a rush and Im always in a rush and always over doing things. I have responsibilities. Anyway, of course I didnt banter him but I told him that it was best I stay home tonight. I told him this at like 6:30 and he just responds with' im going to bed now'.
I hate that. Whats his problem. Ive told him he is waiting on me for all the voids in his life. I tell him he needs to be responsible for his own happiness and not solemly rely on me for taking him out of the small world he is in. His slump. He needs to see things in my persepective of how he isnt bothering to give me anything but plonk his voids onto me and be desperate for my appearance with him. He doesnt see that its more all about him than it is me.

I think he is not doing too well with me not being there. But how many times can I explain it. That he needs to find his own things before me. I dont be crude in my words but I feel like saying 'you need to get a life first' 'all you do is nothing in your flat day after day waiting for me to come do something for you'.
I feel so angry sometimes - in a sad and frustrated way. Because its not up to me to meet all his needs. Its up to him.

 

[grapevine]

had an anxiety attack today. Not sure if work was open and I had to go. Still not sure. I can ring up but atm my phone phobia is in full swing from very tiresome few days with the young niece and nephew that Id forgotten. Have no idea but not going. Its a drive into the next town and Im too beat. Ive been waiting and waiting to be able to do basic things for myself since forever. This christmas and everything else has been too much. All Id be thinking about was doing my own self care stuff and cleaning my room and just having time to myself with no pressure from anyone. Im so exausted.
To drive all the way to work and then work a whole day - from not having a break since I left on friday - been that busy- I just do that sort of thing too much and have gotten ill from it.
So im just saying whatever today and being responsible for my health and unresponsible to my work.

Rugs came over at like 10 this morning. Mum hates it when he jsut turns up and walks in. He never gives me any warning either. Its like how do I tell him about boundaries and how do I be assertive to him to tell him not to do that and to let me know. Because i end up with no privacy almost.

I said Id go over sometime this afternoon or tonight even tho I dont really want to - I want to do my own things. But he has a movie to watch. But the thing is - he slept most yesterday and the day before and then went to bed at 6:30 and then is sleeping again now - at 11. Just because he is bored because there is noone to have company with. Its not my problem. Im so stressed from that. Its like be responsible for your own life - go and get one and give me something to go on. Im trying to make time to work on myself and just have time to myself. He cant seem to hack it and thinks that all that time I spent with him and stopped my own life to do - is the norm or something - like i imprinted him and he jsut stops his life til I go and do that again. Well its not going to happen and boy I cant wait til I see my therapist again.

 

[Sacrament]

Why are you still hanging out with him?

 

[grapevine]

okay - its obligation, lack of assertiveness, its his social pressure and lack of respecting or not able to understand boundaries, its me just sticking with the norm out of someone to do something with - even tho that someone creates all this gravity and disappointment and hasn't the values and traits that are a positive influence on me.

Hes depressed as it is and my biggest thing is pushing that turn around and actually telling him no to a relationship. Its all a horrible thing. He is so dependent with me in forfilling the gaps that when we did (for a short time) break up - he was all distraught (which is normal) but took it to the next level where he felt suicidal and was adamant that as long as I was his gf everything was better. I felt that it was so not fair. That i dont get a life of my own choices and wants because he cant handle me being apart. He has absolutely nothing in his life to do except once he has a shower and a shave decides to come to me to do something go for a walk or something. Not really anything else on the agenda. Like a child. No boundaries.

So last night it being new years and he had asked me over and I didnt really want to but once again was obligated - he almost sold it to me about going here and there and seeing the fireworks close again etc. I said okay then, I was too tired to drive - but I said pick me up at 7:00. And of course, in his style - he comes an hour earlier and gets annoyed that he is waiting and of course I have to completely get anxious and rush - he comes and knocks on the bathroom door at 6:00 and its like.. it makes you feel so anxious and frustrated - very angry and annoyed. Didnt get my time to calmly get ready and pack and have tea. I had to rush in the space of half an hour instead. Make my tea and take it with me- just because he decides to come an hour earlier. He was like 'what, have to wait half an hour..'. I dont know if he forgot that we had said 7, but it wasnt that forgettable.

And then, I get him to stop at the supermarket so that I could get some nibbles to put on the table as its a thing I do on new years - well my mum does. We get to his place. We were going to watch a new film and then go out and then watch the fireworks up close.
But what actually happened is once we got to his place - after all that rushing and not able to actually sit down and have my tea etc..

it turns out he was extremely tired. And he did not mention that at all. Despite me asking him earlier if he was and was up for staying up and watching a film etc. Turns out he couldn't keep his eyes open once at his place and then had a sleep. Turns out I ended up buying food for nothing and end up giving it to my parents today. Turns out I get left at his place bored and lonely with him asleep in his bed and me aching to want to go home. I packed my stuff and he woke up and I said I really wanted to go home- and his response was like a child almost offended and said 'no, im not driving that far again'. So I was almost hostage there and it sucked. He sat on the couch unable to keep his eyes open and was asking if i still wanted to watch a movie or go out etc. Of course he was aunable to sanything like that so I dont know why he asked me.

It turned out I was just in a room with a stinky unhygienic guy that smelt like he had worn the same clothes and undies for days and days straight again and his rugs and sheets all stank of his what sweat and everything potent. Which he cannot smell. At least he doesnt smoke anymore.

So it ended up he was barely able to stand and took me around the side of his house to see the fireworks - which was a bad view. Nothing like at my place and I got upset as I really wanted all along to be at home with my parents and watch it from there - I didnt want to be where I was. And once again it was glaring right at me that it wasnt fair to me at all - that this wasnt compassion to myself - this wasnt respecting me- how many times before I do obligation and fear of assertiveness over my own wants and needs you know.

Anyway - he makes me so angry and frustrated. He has done that so many times where just makes me rush so bad at home and then neglects me at his place atraight after. Its not worth the effort.

Then today - despite me telling him Im busy - cleaning my bedroom and washing the dog and clearing out junk etc- he still rings the house- 3 times already - to see if I want to go for a walk. Im like no, Im busy.

He cant understand a thing. I just want a huge distance from him as its like so much pressure almost like a little kid - he wants to go out everyday - with me and I wouldnt be surprised if he just turns up at my place once again. Because he has nothing to do.

He has no life.
Its hard to push him away and set it straight- he lives in a deluded world where even talking to him - he doesn't exactly hear or understand or have the energy to do so.

He has no cognitive skills. He thinks he has a life and is very busy - he lives in a deluded world. He is like a textbook case of schizophrenia - relating to the negative side effects that is. And that is why its very hard - because under the surface is a very real heart of him and in love and all that. And how unfortunate that the illness consumes him and that he cant even see it. And that he cant see it- means he cant reflect much at all on his own behaviour, his own imputs in relationships much - everything is more of just a shallow and sickly way with him of puppies and love hearts and it makes me cringe.

Why am I still hanging round with him? Because Im silly lol.

 

[grapevine]

I can't wait to see my therapist on the 16th. I feel like I want it earlier, but she is likely on holidays. I know what we will be doing, it will be chair work. It will be me sitting in different chairs and talking to imaginary rugs and then me being rugs.

I am having the issue where I know its partly to do with my hormones right now and my anxiety- but he dominates my mind 24/7. And I am always feeling drained and distressed from it. Im trying to gather the compassion for myself in this situation.

Because I find it hard to do anything positive right now on myself because I think - hell just still be there so whats the point. To have someone so mentally il like him but to dominate his presence and lack at you. His presence online has made me - who not to long ago actually start to be okay with being social and open on facebook to everyone I know- to now go off into hiding online again, but this time because of him instead and all the weird screwed up stuff he does on there in his world thinking its awesome, when its distressing and weird. And Im sick of him sending me these puppy cute pictures with love hearts and all that. He doesnt realise in what he is actually doing is not considering his illness and how that affects me- that I end up having to be his all. Not even his family are like that for him. He is like a leach atm and I hate this feeling. It makes me feel like a horrible person. I want him to realise how dysfuntional and ill he is - but thats just the thing- he cant - he usually goes on about how he thinks he has mastered schizophrenia and doesnt have it anymore. The reality is that he is a textbook case with the severe and very life limiting negative symptoms.

I mean, imagine going to see him and that horrid smell each time which you know is from him jsut wearing the same clothes for days on end - including the same underwear. Like a yellow haze and quite strong - esp in his room. Imagine the smell on his sheets and quilts, on his socks and in his shoes. Its a strong odor. But thats what I mean- he cant recognise this. Despite having copious amounts of showers every day- its like he forgets to use soap or something to idk. But thats the thing- he is unable to do daily tasks like that - everything he does is unsustainable and only able to think quite shallow too. Thats how sick he is. And all of that gets plonked onto my shoulders. Ive got my own illness you know. Ive gotten myself quite sick taking all this on and then at the same time- im thinking about him and how distraught he was that day a few weeks ago when I wasnt his partner. How he felt like nothing. And that was just like me getting rid of my identity just to be there for him.

Its like he needs to know how ill he is. And his mum cant tell him he smells and so on. He needs his mum or someone to help him with daily activities - and it cant be me. I feel so angry at his mum and his dad who is now deceased. Its like - you cant see how ill he is and didnt warn me? Instead, the mother encourages me- even wants me to have his baby. Im like what the hell.

Its just its not fair on both ends. But its like such a huge big weight that I cannot carry anymore. How do I even tell him - look you are severely mentally ill- you cant see it because you are ill.. he has no idea the dysfunctional life he leads and all the pressure he puts on me and lack of respecting boundaries because of his bad memory and inability to plan and remember and all that. He is a goal-less man that just cant really do anything important it seems - he just waits for either me or his friend he sees once a month or hangs out with his sister - but cannot do anything worthy of anything or even be able to think about goals really.

But I will say that he has been able to go through sustaining quitting smoking and using a spray and every now and then having some- but very different to his old ways. And the other is every day or so he has been on his xtrainer.

The thing is tho is that he seems to be doing all these things for me- even tho I would tell him if you are doing these things- do them for yourself.

I like having someone to go for walks with and he likes that. Even tho he cant say much in conversations. But I just cannot be a girlfriend to him - I feel like my whole identity and my health have been crushed from him. From caring and carrying his loads.

Its way too much. And its preventing me from doing simple things to care for myself atm - almost like Im turning into him!

I want to clean my room and make i minimal and my sanctuary and do my juicing an detoxing and eating my raw foods etc. Start working on myself my self care again and my goals - but I just come back to that negative time travel type mentality where I see him still there crushing my own time to myself and invading my space and my values and everhing. And it makes me depressed and want to just sleep instead - drained of it all.

 

[grapevine]

Thanks hennyfink

and thanks to everyone who extends their advice to me. I take it in greatly.

Its frustrating to me when I realise why am I still here in this situation- and the reality is that its because there are many shades of grey. I always come to the reality that he is human and when a guy actually goes beyond his abilities to try to show you that they are there for you - god its really difficult. Then there is the time spent with that person - all that stuff. I think he feels this negativity from me all the time - of me pulling away and its distressing to me as i know how it feels to hold your hopes on someone by strings as I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s like that. And it took me almost 9 years to get over it- but there were alot of extreme things in that tho (aka sexual abuse/ anorexia etc).

I just always feel sorry for him and also know that my mind carries things with emense gravity when it comes to anxiety. I dont mind going for walks with him and just having a casual hang out every now and then. But he is all serious and stuff so I dont know.

Its just I cannot carry him. And its like he is depressed because of his situation but doesn't realise it. He doesnt think about things in way that non - schizophrenics do. Its like a shallow in the moment to moment thinking rather than planning and thinking things through etc. He cant do detail. Im not really close to his family. His father passed last year and that was a truama as it was in the house and rugs found him first. It was a massive heart attack. His sister is almost as bad as him with schizophrenia too. Tho she isnt really stable like rugs. Shes all over the place without a proper diagnosis.
The only person left is his mum, and she is an enabler to them- at the same time- leaves them to their demise - like she is in denial of their illnesses. I guess you would end up like that. But most of thier traits are from their father that arent necessarily schizophrenia but envronmental dysfunctional stuff that his father would behave as.

Anyways - I would love him to have CBT or even just general therapy- my therapist gave me information on a person that comes to their house and works through structure for their day - that sort of thing- but he would be offended to that. He has a negative view like most I guess - paranoid schizophrenics.

I just loose the plot when I see his online ultra weird stuff that bypasses most of my values and that i cant make sense of and completely makes me feel like bullying him as hes like a child but with a completely skewed view on himself and the world around him and is attached to me - and I m like trying to run away from that.

The way I see it for now, is concentrate on compassion for myself - im already cleaning my room - something Ive neglected - I feel like - if I put one foot in front of the other and just keep going with that - doing my things - creating my own happiness again - and asserting my boundaries again. He knows that I want to do my things now - and Ive talked to him all about leavning me to do them. Ive got to realise that I cannot predict the future, but I can just create my own sanctuary, fill my life up on my own for a while and forget about him for a while. Whilst also seeing my therapist and working out what I need and what I need to say to rugs and where I need to go to be better.

Its just been so hard this last few years as its been me- being there 100 percent for him in the first year and burning myself out and then last year a year of severe burnout and illness from it and still trying to do everything - plus do things with my mum and work too.

This year, I realise that nothing starts except me and my health and happiness first.

So just one foot in front of the other. creating my own happy world - indepndent of rugs for a while and stating my boundaries. well see.

 

[grapevine]

i have a feeling that things are going to get better, that he is going to respect my boundaries more, realise more like he has been that im busy with my own independent life first and pushing that more and just a casual friendship more and walking buddy. That i think overtime the more i concentrate on myself and not entertain myself with his illness stuff - the more i stay away and keep limiting time with him and if i can start to really get my mojo back so to speak and start to further myself and build in goals more - i think it could encourage him to do the same. keep busy and determined on my own stuff whilst working on ways to let him down more gently over time perhaps. something like that.
The more I can build myself back up and find my own comforts in independence again, the more self-esteem and assertiveness I can express to let him know that i just cannot be in a relationship like that and that I'm sorry.
and then it's up to him if he is comfortable as a casual friend to go walking with and so on. As a friend - later or son but its up to him.
Im okay if i can assert myself and be honest and to do that i need chair work with my therapist, distancing myself romantically from rugs and also socially from him too. And importantly working on myself and encouraging that in him and also people around me - to give me back my passion again and so on.

 

[grapevine]

So today has been a day I volunteered myself at work in order to make up for last week. Thing is I dont really even have to of gone there today- but I promised a lady as she would otherwise be all on her own in the shop and thats not fair, plus Ive got to try and get on top of things.
But what I did was go when I really needed a rest, when I was already way too exahuasted to work and knowing that this afternoon and overnight my young neice and nephew would be over and I wouldnt have a chance to myself.

I went over the top like I always do at work with hardly any food as I get too busy and never have a break - like literally at all and its very physical.

So driving home Im trying my last bit of energy. I guess most people know how this feels.
But then Ive got PMS as well and I get home and like always go on facebook and talk to rugs- its a thing I dont mean to do but its a habit.
And so I talk to him about my day and hes like - Im asleep. ( its 5:00 in the afternoon) and tells me he has a sore back and I ask him if hes taken pain killers and he says no and then no to something else.
Then goes back to sleep.
So I get frustrated because im thinking about all the times when Ive been wanting my space and my time and he has interfered and pushed my boundaries like on new years when he came an hour earlier and I had to rush within 20 mintues rather than him come the time we agreed. Then there are times like when I was cleaning my room and he came over despite me telling him I was busy - he came over and wanted to go for a walk and so I had to rush my room and do his thing, or the time when Id been doing lucky dips for work and got a lounge full of toys and a short space of time to do them and he knew this but comes over anyway wanting to go for a walk - so Id have to push myself of any energy left to do things with him too. Those sort of things happened all the time and still do. And how about new years a few days ago, after that rushing and then he just sleeps the whole night and leaves me in his room with nothing to do but watch a film on my own. Then get up for 20 mins to see the small glimpse of the fireworks and then go to bed. As tho I wasnt there. He even got upset when I asked him if he could take me home.
How many times I over extend myself to him / have done and tolerate severe irrisponsibility to myself in order to do that - excessive tiredness, exahaustion, everything.
And when Im at work all day and exausted and I come to talk to him in the afternoon online and he doesnt want to because he is so tired - because he is a sleep at 5 in that afternoon and done nothing all day and most likely slept all day.
Well of course - ive got pms and cant respect him and so I block him online.
But my internet is not good and so I thought it didnt work and went back to my neice and nephew. Then get a ring from him to say that I blocked him. And i denied it. It was straight out uncomfortable cause you gotta write in the name to block and he knows that well so my excuse didnt add up.
So he tells that to me online. So I jsut send him a pms picture lol. Hes actually gone out and blocked me on instagram and on another fb page. Which is a good thing for me - because still looking at those horrible selfies from instagram.

 

[grapevine]

Not much change.

Hes okay- but I cant stay, but I still do - knowing that the basics like hygiene and lack of money and everything in between lingers so much. Ill go over there with a desire to fix everything everytime. Fix his hygiene, his lack of goals, his lack of everything, his money issues, his diet ..

He is genuine with me, still entertains ideas of being together and having children- but knowing I turn a blind eye to his dreams of those things.

I dont know what im doing. Im just lonely and so is he. Hes a slob with severe lethargy and bad diet and smoking- bad habits, and a severe mental illness.

Still in the process of helping him get his disability pension.

I feel like, I fix myself up and get back on track and like its going to fix everything. But Ill still end up going over there and be confronted by bad smells, him wearing the same clothes for weeks/days and going freeball in them too, and smelling really bad and being bloated and in bad health, being so tired all the time and depressed with nothing to be excited about or plan. Still going to be unable to plan, stick to things, stand for something.

But i still care and am still there. But its like a cruel relationship to me. and him I guess. I dont know where things fit atm. I need my space from his illness of those things. At the same time I like having a person genuinely care and support me and to be able to do the same.
Dont get me wrong, he tries. He has a goal of getting fit- even if he cant entirely stick to things much- he starts to work out on his xtrainer every so often now- his own intitive. And we do go out and walk alot. If I havea problem, he asks and listens and tries to find answers for me. If he thinks its him, he tries to do things to make me happy. But its like- I could end up telling him a million things thats wrong with him that affect me.

yet all those things and then there is the delsuional world he lives in where he thinks old baby toys are something I like as a present cause there cute and where his cutouts of himself with girls (singers) posted on social media are nice to look at and where he know puts a picture of a lock on his instagram and keeps it private to keep people out because of his paranoia.

Theres an element where you think that his severe lack of cognitive skills and delsusions and lack of planing and goals can rub straight off onto you. If I spend time with him, I end up being in his world and end up feeling overwhelmed with his lack of being able to be independently working on himself. The only goal with him is going for walks - which is a fitness thing.

I just hate all the pressure of him being all serious and me feeling all horrible. But its like he is family almost to me. Where very close but at the same time he becomes unaware of his stuff that makes a big plonk on my shoulders.

When we broke up briefly and then he got all upset and suicidal that he wanted to be in a relationship. Him and his sister thought I was being abusive to him, and maybe I was - but I say that without the compassion from my end. As I was basically letting myself go at him at that point for his lacks and the frustrations dealing with him. Telling him that how is he going to support me and a child if he talks and entertains ideas like that and about a house and land when he cant even put money to basic things. I mean, I was really throwing it at him- but I have an anxiety disorder, what do you expect. And I dont want those things from him.
Theres nothing like that there - its a different kind of feeling. Altho I like to try to be that person with him - and Im guilty of that- the girlfriend - because I like to feel a certain way and I do care for him. Im just not in-love with him. The boundaries are too open for that, hes let me down too many times and he has no give for anything. No life in him to be anything, hes not someone to look up to - not for me. Although he prob should have a medal for dealing with his disorder like he does I guess.

So Im just at the stage where I feel guilty, feel lost, but also that he understands at least about my boundaries now and that Im unhappy and want to work on myself and is very supportive and caring in those respects and has pretty much always been- but all his stuff that he cant see can be like the blob to me often.

All I know is that it leaves a big gap when hes not there and Ive had a very long time of being on my own. 16 plus years more. Ive been a-sexual in that time. What ever happens - we might just end as friends because the boundaries feel too exposed to me. But what ever happens I will let him know I guess over time.

I jsut want to deal with my own things with him aside. But it just throws me so much at the same time. I just feel like burying myselfi n depression because I cannot control him and his illness. And he pressures me and supports me in this relationship.

Having said that, I have to confront my work this week as they halved my pay and made me part time - when I didnt agree to it. They told me to think about it - and Id been too busy to get back to them- yet they never contacted me. I dont want part time. And it is wrong and even illegal to do that to me. And now I have to confront them with that.
Then there is the part where for weeks I wasnt even getting paid and then I finally get paid and am sure I am owed another weeks pay they have forgotten.
So im going to have to be assertive and its so hard for me with money matters.

Then there is the new working environment. Where instead of working in the shop, I now have to work in the office sorting instead. They never asked me, just told me. Then they never gave me a date. Then after a month or so, they turned up at the shop and pulled it all apart - where I had to help basically move all the storage that hadnt been sorted yet- esp not sorted for moving. This was mountains and mountains loads of bedding, clothing, books, all sorts- they took in trailer loads to the office and dumped there in no order- just all for me to sort out. This is a whole house worth of stuff. Nothing is really sorted or thrown away.

So Im going to have to go to the office where im not used to, and talk to the bosses and then do my new job there. And its overwhelming- the task at hand regarding sorting. Ive only ever had to take my own initiative at work and i always over-work my hours and even volounteer on other days im not paid - just to try and get ahead of things- and I never take a break.
I get things done - or I try my best, always.

But these people I work for have no respect for whomever works for them. Their history is really shocking and now its happening to me. I drag myself at that place.