Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life
- Thread starter grapevine
- Start date
grapevine
Well-known member
okay so I just get tired of one thing with rugs now. As a friend he can be okay. Its well away from what it was and thats great. Its just when hes down or uncomfortable or whatever- its a big thing. I guess what im trying to say is that his priorities are usually himself first. If im talking to him online, hell take ages to respond to me with an answer - like if its to go out somewhere - a yes or no. And hell know Ill be sitting there waiting. His priorities are troublesome when it comes to my expectations as a friend. And I suspect that alot of people with schizophrenia like his may have this issue. That they mix importance and politeness with their own agendas and feelings first. And what happens is people react to that and decide not to take them as a priority and ignore them and do the same as them. Mirror them.
Because it happens over and over again.
Its just a little annoying really. When you have sp you put your emotions behind you and uncomfortableness and things - they are not as important as not making a scene and so on.
Ill go out of my way for a friend and tire myself to complete exhaustion in many areas. He will react to any little bit of ill feeling, like tiredness or something he doesnt like as though a child having a tantrum and not care about me and making me happy like I do for him. And that is always where it will divide with him.
Im glad that we are just friends and there are boundaries now. I cant beleive the mess I put myself through. I know hes not well and he is as he is. So its easy to forgive and forget.
I just sometimes still though get raised eyebrows with his rude behaviour. Sometimes he is just not fair. But all the better to not bother with his stuff.
Because it happens over and over again.
Its just a little annoying really. When you have sp you put your emotions behind you and uncomfortableness and things - they are not as important as not making a scene and so on.
Ill go out of my way for a friend and tire myself to complete exhaustion in many areas. He will react to any little bit of ill feeling, like tiredness or something he doesnt like as though a child having a tantrum and not care about me and making me happy like I do for him. And that is always where it will divide with him.
Im glad that we are just friends and there are boundaries now. I cant beleive the mess I put myself through. I know hes not well and he is as he is. So its easy to forgive and forget.
I just sometimes still though get raised eyebrows with his rude behaviour. Sometimes he is just not fair. But all the better to not bother with his stuff.
lily
Well-known member
Congratulations! i don't like cooking but it's nice to cook and juice when you really want it lol
grapevine
Well-known member
Its not fair that I end up with this adrenal fatigue where I put on weight and struggle wtih energy and body pain to do anything and it was all because I out-did myself, burnt myself out when I went out with rugs. Its not fair that Im in this state and yet have always strived and pursued in looking after myself and he goes and takes drugs and smokes and eats what ever and ends up not as bad state as I am.
Im just so tired of seeing him all about him really. Yeah he is still in my life, nowhere near what it was like before and Im recovering from all that stress. He can damage his life and do what he wants and Im free to do whatever I want too. Ill never stoop that low again just for wanting to feel good about myself from a guy. I mean, it turned out that it was always about him anyway.
Im just so sick of him being such a shallow person though. I mean, he is delusional alot anyways and weird. But, even though I am just a friend and watch a film most saturdays and every afternoon just about he comes over and we take my dog for a walk, Im just tired of everything about him is about him and he is blind most of the time and shallow interested in anything else that is not about him.
I guess it just gets upsetting a bit. Im not prepared atm to be social as im just so exausted and in pain alot. I end up breathless and beyond tired like my bones are like cement, just from doing little things. And so when I see him its something and its good enough for a laugh and so on. But its never a true connection and never was and never will be wheneer ive known him. Hell be loyal with connecting with me online and so on. Hell be polite. But its like a thing where he has to tell me he is doing this now or this and hell be back later. He wont actually sit and write to me, give his time to me.Its kind of a rudeness behind it. Yet he has always been like that. Whether its part of his brain damage or not idk. I mean I know the issues with schizophrenia with him and concentration and having a conversation are not big ones. He can talk but not engage as much in conversation.
I guess I just feel like Im being used by him all the time. Like I always have been. He doesnt realise that his shallow communication and bombardment of my boundaries affect me. I let those things think of myself as less than. Like Im just someone he can walk over. This morning he rang to see if he could hang out with me before he went to his drug friends place - even though he knew I was getting ready for work and had to leave in an hour or so. Then its like when hes doing his things, Im in the way. He just uses people like me to occupy his time and stop his anxieties and staying home all the time. He doesnt seem to care if its rude or not. Its just irritating because he doesnt think about others - he thinks about himself.
When we go for walks, its about him wanting to make a video of where we went which is really weird, but im not allowed to talk in those times.
Everything Ive been doing has been saying to him that he can walk all over me. Im so silly with all that. Im just so tired of him not seeing me clearly, not being able to actually truely acknowledge me in his life still and how lucky he is for that to happen because I shouldnt really be there. I still give to him in many ways. I get things from work for him and his sister. I go out of my way still even sometimes. And Im reduced to a cripple at the moment- though Im getting better and wroking on myself again.
I know that I need to have some boundaries and perhaps for a week just be completely without him as my friend. He has issues with persistance in things (except bad habits). I just need to withdraw and close my boundaries a bit.
Im just so tired of seeing him all about him really. Yeah he is still in my life, nowhere near what it was like before and Im recovering from all that stress. He can damage his life and do what he wants and Im free to do whatever I want too. Ill never stoop that low again just for wanting to feel good about myself from a guy. I mean, it turned out that it was always about him anyway.
Im just so sick of him being such a shallow person though. I mean, he is delusional alot anyways and weird. But, even though I am just a friend and watch a film most saturdays and every afternoon just about he comes over and we take my dog for a walk, Im just tired of everything about him is about him and he is blind most of the time and shallow interested in anything else that is not about him.
I guess it just gets upsetting a bit. Im not prepared atm to be social as im just so exausted and in pain alot. I end up breathless and beyond tired like my bones are like cement, just from doing little things. And so when I see him its something and its good enough for a laugh and so on. But its never a true connection and never was and never will be wheneer ive known him. Hell be loyal with connecting with me online and so on. Hell be polite. But its like a thing where he has to tell me he is doing this now or this and hell be back later. He wont actually sit and write to me, give his time to me.Its kind of a rudeness behind it. Yet he has always been like that. Whether its part of his brain damage or not idk. I mean I know the issues with schizophrenia with him and concentration and having a conversation are not big ones. He can talk but not engage as much in conversation.
I guess I just feel like Im being used by him all the time. Like I always have been. He doesnt realise that his shallow communication and bombardment of my boundaries affect me. I let those things think of myself as less than. Like Im just someone he can walk over. This morning he rang to see if he could hang out with me before he went to his drug friends place - even though he knew I was getting ready for work and had to leave in an hour or so. Then its like when hes doing his things, Im in the way. He just uses people like me to occupy his time and stop his anxieties and staying home all the time. He doesnt seem to care if its rude or not. Its just irritating because he doesnt think about others - he thinks about himself.
When we go for walks, its about him wanting to make a video of where we went which is really weird, but im not allowed to talk in those times.
Everything Ive been doing has been saying to him that he can walk all over me. Im so silly with all that. Im just so tired of him not seeing me clearly, not being able to actually truely acknowledge me in his life still and how lucky he is for that to happen because I shouldnt really be there. I still give to him in many ways. I get things from work for him and his sister. I go out of my way still even sometimes. And Im reduced to a cripple at the moment- though Im getting better and wroking on myself again.
I know that I need to have some boundaries and perhaps for a week just be completely without him as my friend. He has issues with persistance in things (except bad habits). I just need to withdraw and close my boundaries a bit.
grapevine
Well-known member
Well this morning, I was having a deep sleep. I was not working or anything, only that I had to take mum to swimming by 10:30. On Saturday, which now usually every Saturday I hangout with Rugs in the afternoon and evening and we watch a film, that and also during the week we go for walks. Those that the only times I really spend with him. I make them a positive in my life- or I try to. So I have my own life and time well away from him entrapment of self-imposing nature. Only this morning, I was deep asleep and woke up to him arriving at my place at about 10 to 9 in the morning and entering my bedroom. I got woken up from a very deep sleep from him entering. It really did suck big time. And even though I should have told him off and given him a lecture in boundaries and so on, I couldn't be bothered and didn't want to bring about that energy in me like I used to. I should have still said something.
With my adrenal fatigue its always very hard to get a good deep nights sleep. And I really needed that extra morning recovery/lay in and he spoilt that. It really sucked.
See the thing is he asked if I wanted to go for a walk with my dog today- well yesterday. And I told him how I was planning to take my dog for a walk whilst I waited to pick up my mum from swimming as she only spends 45 minutes there. I said to him 10:30 is when I take her. He said he would arrive sometime in the morning. But I didnt think that early. It really sucked. And it cradled the resentment and frustration within me of his things. I mean, he is crazy - Ive let all that go as its not a huge part in my life anymore. But when he does these things like not care about other people's time but his own and intrudes yet also when your in his time - he wastes it and cares about himself only at times. Boy does that be infuriating and upsetting, disappointing.
Basically this morning, he sent me a text very early- but I was asleep of course. That he was feeling very happy with the way he looked and his hair and liked his new clothes and that he was eager to go out and do something today. Did I mention once again that yes he is crazy. He cares and thinks about with a one tracked mind about things like how he looks and then just because he is happy in that area- decides to come over early to my place not even considering that I may still be asleep etc. And he just parks and walks himself into my bedroom. ( we dont lock the doors because we live on acres). And then, when we actually are about to go for a walk, he tells me that he is too cold out side and that he doesnt want to because of that. Because he is wearing a tshirt and brought no jumper or jacket as he was only thinking about how he looked and just coming over to show his look off or whatever is in hid mind. Then he tells me he is too tired to go for a walk. Thats what I mean about time wasting- he is deeply unfair when it comes to that. you just cant do those things. Its rude. So for me to have to sacrifice my boundaries and my sleep for him but for him to not sacrifice a thing of any discomfort so small. That is what he was always like with me. And its so hard to set boundaries with him. But Im trying and have done so. This was just some thing - like when he comes in the morning when Im getting ready for work - some thing he just still does.
We ended up going for walks though I might add. I just always have to adjust my life to fit his interfereing needs onto me. That is what sux and dos he even know he is doing it? Idk.
But at least he is at work the next few days.
The other thing I found out today was when I was at his place watching a film, I found his opened bank statement letter when he was out of the room. I took note of it as he wouldnt mind anyway. But I wanted to see what his finances were like. More specifically, how much he actually spends on his addiction to meth drugs. Which were something that ripped me apart and my values when I was with him. I didn't know he was doing that every week and when I found out it knocked me. So looking at his finances and I find out that he is spending perhaps up to $300 maybe even every now and then. I mean for god's sake, he gets like five hundred and something a fortnight and he spends that much on one night. Ends up with no money for a week. He feeds his fish chopped up iceberg lettuce instead of buying fish food for like $2 - even when he has that money - hed rather go and spend it on iced coffees and macdonalds as in his mind he thinks its a big chore or something. Its just so ridiculous.
Im thinking I need to push way back again. Sure, he is a bit of company and a laugh and someone to walk the dog with, watch a film with - hes a bit like family to me - like an old friend. But just happens to have outstanding issues that sure can go in the background - but for me to linger more than just one day a week with him seems to surface all his issues and its excruciating as you just want to say derogatory words and how stupid he is and that he is wasting his life etc. But he really is in mind anyway surpassed wellness. i know that. But his quality of life could be better.
Anyways like my thread in here - thats what happens - it because all about him and less about me. A reason I need to stay away more. And I have been. And on that note, things are getting slowing so much better for me. Heatlh wise I feel im getting back very slowly to my better days. This adrenal fatigue im finding, tho its frustrating, means doing things persistantly and monitering myself throughout each day. I have to be concious and aware of my stress levels and energy and when I eat and what I eat. What my body wants. And my body intuition for certain foods and so on has greatly improved since I have stopped eating processed foods for once again - its been 2 or so weeks now. When I was high raw for a few years- i stayed completely away from that and so I know it means so much in terms of my health improvement. Its just getting off that bandwagon.
I like how its autumn now too. OMG ive been waiting out for it. Here in Aus its been so hot and dry for so long. Everytime Id go to work it would be so hot and glary. Im so tired of it. And its like a drought. Plants are dead or dying, no grass etc.. Well gumtrees are healthy though. But now we actually had our first rain in many many months. like 3 months or more. 4 months even more it feels. And now, I think its going to start to regulary rain or spit and also have moisture in the nighttime and all the dead yello grass is going to turn green and the temperate and the need for sunscreen will decrease and I can garden and clean the yard and I dont have to worry about the snakes.
I really look forward to autumn, its my favourite time of the year.
With my adrenal fatigue its always very hard to get a good deep nights sleep. And I really needed that extra morning recovery/lay in and he spoilt that. It really sucked.
See the thing is he asked if I wanted to go for a walk with my dog today- well yesterday. And I told him how I was planning to take my dog for a walk whilst I waited to pick up my mum from swimming as she only spends 45 minutes there. I said to him 10:30 is when I take her. He said he would arrive sometime in the morning. But I didnt think that early. It really sucked. And it cradled the resentment and frustration within me of his things. I mean, he is crazy - Ive let all that go as its not a huge part in my life anymore. But when he does these things like not care about other people's time but his own and intrudes yet also when your in his time - he wastes it and cares about himself only at times. Boy does that be infuriating and upsetting, disappointing.
Basically this morning, he sent me a text very early- but I was asleep of course. That he was feeling very happy with the way he looked and his hair and liked his new clothes and that he was eager to go out and do something today. Did I mention once again that yes he is crazy. He cares and thinks about with a one tracked mind about things like how he looks and then just because he is happy in that area- decides to come over early to my place not even considering that I may still be asleep etc. And he just parks and walks himself into my bedroom. ( we dont lock the doors because we live on acres). And then, when we actually are about to go for a walk, he tells me that he is too cold out side and that he doesnt want to because of that. Because he is wearing a tshirt and brought no jumper or jacket as he was only thinking about how he looked and just coming over to show his look off or whatever is in hid mind. Then he tells me he is too tired to go for a walk. Thats what I mean about time wasting- he is deeply unfair when it comes to that. you just cant do those things. Its rude. So for me to have to sacrifice my boundaries and my sleep for him but for him to not sacrifice a thing of any discomfort so small. That is what he was always like with me. And its so hard to set boundaries with him. But Im trying and have done so. This was just some thing - like when he comes in the morning when Im getting ready for work - some thing he just still does.
We ended up going for walks though I might add. I just always have to adjust my life to fit his interfereing needs onto me. That is what sux and dos he even know he is doing it? Idk.
But at least he is at work the next few days.
The other thing I found out today was when I was at his place watching a film, I found his opened bank statement letter when he was out of the room. I took note of it as he wouldnt mind anyway. But I wanted to see what his finances were like. More specifically, how much he actually spends on his addiction to meth drugs. Which were something that ripped me apart and my values when I was with him. I didn't know he was doing that every week and when I found out it knocked me. So looking at his finances and I find out that he is spending perhaps up to $300 maybe even every now and then. I mean for god's sake, he gets like five hundred and something a fortnight and he spends that much on one night. Ends up with no money for a week. He feeds his fish chopped up iceberg lettuce instead of buying fish food for like $2 - even when he has that money - hed rather go and spend it on iced coffees and macdonalds as in his mind he thinks its a big chore or something. Its just so ridiculous.
Im thinking I need to push way back again. Sure, he is a bit of company and a laugh and someone to walk the dog with, watch a film with - hes a bit like family to me - like an old friend. But just happens to have outstanding issues that sure can go in the background - but for me to linger more than just one day a week with him seems to surface all his issues and its excruciating as you just want to say derogatory words and how stupid he is and that he is wasting his life etc. But he really is in mind anyway surpassed wellness. i know that. But his quality of life could be better.
Anyways like my thread in here - thats what happens - it because all about him and less about me. A reason I need to stay away more. And I have been. And on that note, things are getting slowing so much better for me. Heatlh wise I feel im getting back very slowly to my better days. This adrenal fatigue im finding, tho its frustrating, means doing things persistantly and monitering myself throughout each day. I have to be concious and aware of my stress levels and energy and when I eat and what I eat. What my body wants. And my body intuition for certain foods and so on has greatly improved since I have stopped eating processed foods for once again - its been 2 or so weeks now. When I was high raw for a few years- i stayed completely away from that and so I know it means so much in terms of my health improvement. Its just getting off that bandwagon.
I like how its autumn now too. OMG ive been waiting out for it. Here in Aus its been so hot and dry for so long. Everytime Id go to work it would be so hot and glary. Im so tired of it. And its like a drought. Plants are dead or dying, no grass etc.. Well gumtrees are healthy though. But now we actually had our first rain in many many months. like 3 months or more. 4 months even more it feels. And now, I think its going to start to regulary rain or spit and also have moisture in the nighttime and all the dead yello grass is going to turn green and the temperate and the need for sunscreen will decrease and I can garden and clean the yard and I dont have to worry about the snakes.
I really look forward to autumn, its my favourite time of the year.
theslowesthand
Banned
I'm just wondering, does ruggy have mood-regulation problems, that go along with the schizophrenia? That would explain his sudden urges to do, or not do, things. Like he is happy with his hair -> creates a positive or manic mood -> decides to visit you early -> then his mood drops -> he is "tired" & goes home. :question:
grapevine
Well-known member
Really hate it when my mum. Who I always try to keep happy and take her out and be her translator due to her major deafness and choclea. She cant drive and we out from the town on acres so its hard to expect her to walk into town which is about 9km and up and down hills. The thing is dad is always at bowls. Lawn bowls to be precise. He takes that in preference over taking mum anywhere. So its left up to me instead. Mum got really angry and depressed when I was going out with rugs and was over his place all the time . She would say she never saw me and never went anywhere. It was heartbreaking that I was blind and just went to rugs needs and not my own and not my family first. But it sucks that now Im back home, that mum gets needy and I have to be the taxi person and dont get much time for myself to do my things - in between adrenal fatigue exhaustion and taking her here and there and then waiting on rugs most afternoons to go for a walk. I rarely get my own things done. Esp if I have a rest for a bit. Then I dont get anything I wanted to do what ever it may be done.
But I hate how my mum seems to carry on to me about how I shouldnt bother with cosmetic things. What I mean is that I like to do my self care stuff as it makes me feel good about myself. I dont know why she doesnt understand that. She goes on about hoe I shouldnt worry about things like that and I make too much mess and Ive got too many cosmetic things. And this is just when Ill be say making some face mask or hair mask and shell just complain about why i should bother. Its the same when I do my own juicing - altho she is in favour of juicing tho - she just doesnt like me making messes and things like that. Same with tho, if I decide to buy something and get excited and tell her about it or even do something new - I have to go through a backlash of her telling me 101 reasons why I shouldnt do these positive things lol. Its like the opposite of CBT. So when Ive ever needed to do things- Ive not talked to her and as ther is no encouragement there. It just gets on my nerves though. I always feel like I have to make her happy and tip toe around her. I wil say she is impaired somewhat as she doesn't know many words and so on. And her listening skills- she cant tolerate more than a few sentences because its hard to process. I guess I just have always felt like Ive got to battle my way to do my own things. Battle my way for my independence and so on. I guess its a common theme anyway. I just know not to talk to mum about my excitement in things Im doing most of the time as it ends in a slight argument and takes away a bit of my motivation and so on.
The other thing is that she doesnt like me doing things like self care for some reason I dont know why. Other than it can get messy in the bathroom with some things sometimes lol. But I always clean up.
She wears makeup and dresses up and things- I dont do those things but I dont di-empower her to not do them.
But I hate how my mum seems to carry on to me about how I shouldnt bother with cosmetic things. What I mean is that I like to do my self care stuff as it makes me feel good about myself. I dont know why she doesnt understand that. She goes on about hoe I shouldnt worry about things like that and I make too much mess and Ive got too many cosmetic things. And this is just when Ill be say making some face mask or hair mask and shell just complain about why i should bother. Its the same when I do my own juicing - altho she is in favour of juicing tho - she just doesnt like me making messes and things like that. Same with tho, if I decide to buy something and get excited and tell her about it or even do something new - I have to go through a backlash of her telling me 101 reasons why I shouldnt do these positive things lol. Its like the opposite of CBT. So when Ive ever needed to do things- Ive not talked to her and as ther is no encouragement there. It just gets on my nerves though. I always feel like I have to make her happy and tip toe around her. I wil say she is impaired somewhat as she doesn't know many words and so on. And her listening skills- she cant tolerate more than a few sentences because its hard to process. I guess I just have always felt like Ive got to battle my way to do my own things. Battle my way for my independence and so on. I guess its a common theme anyway. I just know not to talk to mum about my excitement in things Im doing most of the time as it ends in a slight argument and takes away a bit of my motivation and so on.
The other thing is that she doesnt like me doing things like self care for some reason I dont know why. Other than it can get messy in the bathroom with some things sometimes lol. But I always clean up.
She wears makeup and dresses up and things- I dont do those things but I dont di-empower her to not do them.
theslowesthand
Banned
Ignore the haters. What they think is just their own opinions, and don't matter. It's just irrational, negative tripe.
grapevine
Well-known member
Been waiting for rugs all afternoon. He said he wanted to go for a good walk like we do nearly every afternoon. Take my dog down the beach or where ever. My dog Jackson, he waits out for him, looks out the window etc.
Rugs finished work at 4. (Just volunteer removals of furniture. 2 days a week.) and he knows Id be waiting or whatever. I took my dog for walk without him around the paddocks at home as he had been pacing.
And this is the thing I jsut find aggrivates my anxiety. Ive messaged him a few times this afternoon and I get no reply (he has phone issues anyway). And it makes me think bad things. I mean its 7 and it would be polite to let me know if he was not going to come over.
Because I end up waiting around and putting my stuff on hold. It creates anxiety and once again living on his clock.
It sux because every time I go to work and come home after a very strenuous day, exausted and I rush to get home knowing he is going to come over - so I can get it all over and done with- take the dog for a walk with him. And I always let him know whats going on. I rush because I get anxious thinking he is waiting or something.
And yet most likely right now time went by and hes at some friend's place and not even thinking that I was waiting. Its like the time I turned up at his place last year and waited for and hour or two for him to turn up. I packed and got ready and arrived on time and he wasnt even home. Then later he turned up telling me he had no recollection of knowing I was coming over even though we spoke about it the day before.
Thats the thing, my boundaries. Its like one minute, he is barging his way into my life like when I am getting ready for work and times like that. And then the next minute when something is planned - he is not there.
Rugs finished work at 4. (Just volunteer removals of furniture. 2 days a week.) and he knows Id be waiting or whatever. I took my dog for walk without him around the paddocks at home as he had been pacing.
And this is the thing I jsut find aggrivates my anxiety. Ive messaged him a few times this afternoon and I get no reply (he has phone issues anyway). And it makes me think bad things. I mean its 7 and it would be polite to let me know if he was not going to come over.
Because I end up waiting around and putting my stuff on hold. It creates anxiety and once again living on his clock.
It sux because every time I go to work and come home after a very strenuous day, exausted and I rush to get home knowing he is going to come over - so I can get it all over and done with- take the dog for a walk with him. And I always let him know whats going on. I rush because I get anxious thinking he is waiting or something.
And yet most likely right now time went by and hes at some friend's place and not even thinking that I was waiting. Its like the time I turned up at his place last year and waited for and hour or two for him to turn up. I packed and got ready and arrived on time and he wasnt even home. Then later he turned up telling me he had no recollection of knowing I was coming over even though we spoke about it the day before.
Thats the thing, my boundaries. Its like one minute, he is barging his way into my life like when I am getting ready for work and times like that. And then the next minute when something is planned - he is not there.
grapevine
Well-known member
Geezuz does it give me stress and annoys the hell out of me when I just can't get away from rugs and there is no way to argue his delusions and logic to him but he gets to dominate and emotionally drive them at me.
Im happy I am seeing my therapist tomorrow. Because even when I want my boundaries like all the time- he is just desperate to get out his house and he comes over to mine, he rings up the home phone all the time, comes at inappropriate times. He is like he always has been - completely in my face. It just makes me feel so boxed in- and boxed in from his looney perspective too as he sees me as so small and so lonely - but it's him who is desperately lonely and bored and in need of me like some dependency. Nearly 100 percent of the time Im doing things out of obligation for him. When all I want is my own independence and freedom to develop my own identity again WITHOUT HIM.
I dont believe in anything he says he is completely nutso. And I say that being factual. And maybe a tad emotional too.
Okay, so last night I had to spend ages deleting photos on his auntie's iphone and updating it for him as he got it given to him. Its annoying because only last year I spent nearly $400 on an iphone for him and his ability to look after things properly failed and so that is in need of repair and dead. But he just ends up getting a new one from his aunty's old one. I spend ages at home putting apps and setting the icloud and deleting stuff etc. Dont know why he cant do it. I mean he goes on about how he has 'so many skills and abilities'. That his 'skillsets are above average'.. 'Ive been using the internet since 1998..' lol
In his mind he makes sense- but in reality it illogical what he goes on about.
I thought in my most patient way, as I try to stand away and get away from him despite him always wanting to come over or hanging out with him almost everyday. That I needed to be honest about his Youtube videos as they have been getting even more stange and loonely and immature. I told him that it was having his full actual name as his channel name was a wrong idea and that alot of his videos invite people into his house and his life and also can make him a laughing stock. Well that last bit I didnt say so much like that.
But anyway, he was telling me today that he got so upset about me writing that to him that he didnt sleep at all and felt like he never wanted to see me again. (which btw sounds like a nice break- he would unlikely be able to stick with that). But all this inspired him to talk at me about how he has studied 'psychiatric profiling' and has studied people's profiles online. He goes on to tell me that he is done with facebook (for the millionth on and off time) - because people arent as 'good' as him on there. Because he shows off all his talents and has 1000s of photos and are 'doing things in his life' (like sitting at home doing nothing with no life...) and that he likes to have photos up there of himself - thosands and then make it all private because he thinks that all the people who save photos of him treasure them more.
He is such a joke. His reality is that he is basically mentally handicapped. And Im sick of being his (still) responsibility for him in alot of things. He throws his needs onto others. He cant take any type of critiscm but can dish out to me and to others. Not that he does that much but for me- he seems to tell me that I dont know many poeple and that I dont put myself out there like he does so what would I know?
Well what I know is that nobody would go near him - no women or even men if they saw his youtube page. Well, the only people that would - wh=ould have low self esteem and want to try and turn him into seeing how pathetic and weird he is online.
I just feel so crazy and like I have him hanging on my back still. It can drive me crazy and stress me out still sometimes - though not as bad. And even though we are not toegether and indeed he broke up with me. He still acts like he is going out with me and I cant seem to get away from him. Even my home isnt a refuge from him. He is so invasive. Im sick of putting off my goals just to make room for him everyday. I actually went to the trouble the other day, knowing that he cant take me telling him about Youtube, I got a made up youtube account and made out I was some gamer that happened to pass by his channel and commented on 2 of them. One of them I even told him to get a life. I couldnt help it. I feel like he needs someone to jolt him into his reality - tho I know at the same time his brain cant do that. He is just in your face with his videos - esp when there at my place without permission or even about me. Without asking (not me in them- well my voice sometimes. ) Its just another boundary he feels he can cross yet I cantcross his boundary of saying things about his online craziness.
I would really love it if people on here could go on there and just say what they thought about his videos. Of course not mentioning this forum and stuff. But just generally letting him know how crazy he was. I need my space as he drives me crazy.
I dont stand for anything he stands for, I dont want to compromise my health by being around his smoke. I just need a rest from him. And even when I tell him that I do - he makes me try to change my mind because he cant stand spending time on his own and has to come over my place. Everyday.
Its like I just cant breathe and cant be free. He rings up the home phone all the time too. Which is tailered for my mum's deafness/hearing. And everytime the phone rings its always a big deal and its embarressing when he just left my place and then rings up and things like that - like he rings up nearly everyday. Despite me telling him dont ring up the home phone. I mean I have my mobile. And then just to make sure i know when he comes over (because he always comes over) - I message him and ask and make sure. And alot of the time I dont get an answer. Hes doing other things. So I end up stopping anything I had pllanned to do in order to wait for him to come over so I can get it over and done with. I cant be in the middle of things. Its like this afternoon and he wanted to come over and by the way he was parented he gets what ever he wants and no is not acceptable. Will thats what it feels like. I know he is being genuine with me - but he is invasive and Im sure he wouldnt put up with me if I were crazy like him and turning up at his place all the time that he had no time to actually do the things that make him him.
So he tells me he will come over after tea and couldnt be more specific than that. So he turns up at 6:00. Which is basically universal tea time really. And there I was eating my dinner really fast once again- because of him.
I just need a break from him and everything that comes with him as I feel like he has invaded everything that makes me, 'me'. I need my space and It feels like Im still going out with him and im not. Its driving me crazy.
There is always a growing motivation in me when Im around him to show him how pathetic he is. Its this ego thing that makes me feel like I know I could achieve some things if I put all my energy into it - quietly and then let him see that. I mean I know it's unhealthy to think that I need to show an insane person achievement to show him what real achievement is. But it really does give me drive to do so.
I feel like he is a vampire - a toxic person (well literally speaking in terms of his smoking and so on he is). I feel bad that I write like this about him- but I need to always get it out. He leave me no room to breath. He has done so much direspect to me over the years and I feel like I am a walking doormat. The other day I went for a walk with my dog for the first time in ages without rugs and it was liberating. But I was developing really bad anger and resentment issues thinking about him that it made me so angry. I shouldnt even be in contact with him is what my gut told me. I needed to get back to my own life and I needed to ditch him piggybacking on mine.
Im happy I am seeing my therapist tomorrow. Because even when I want my boundaries like all the time- he is just desperate to get out his house and he comes over to mine, he rings up the home phone all the time, comes at inappropriate times. He is like he always has been - completely in my face. It just makes me feel so boxed in- and boxed in from his looney perspective too as he sees me as so small and so lonely - but it's him who is desperately lonely and bored and in need of me like some dependency. Nearly 100 percent of the time Im doing things out of obligation for him. When all I want is my own independence and freedom to develop my own identity again WITHOUT HIM.
I dont believe in anything he says he is completely nutso. And I say that being factual. And maybe a tad emotional too.
Okay, so last night I had to spend ages deleting photos on his auntie's iphone and updating it for him as he got it given to him. Its annoying because only last year I spent nearly $400 on an iphone for him and his ability to look after things properly failed and so that is in need of repair and dead. But he just ends up getting a new one from his aunty's old one. I spend ages at home putting apps and setting the icloud and deleting stuff etc. Dont know why he cant do it. I mean he goes on about how he has 'so many skills and abilities'. That his 'skillsets are above average'.. 'Ive been using the internet since 1998..' lol
In his mind he makes sense- but in reality it illogical what he goes on about.
I thought in my most patient way, as I try to stand away and get away from him despite him always wanting to come over or hanging out with him almost everyday. That I needed to be honest about his Youtube videos as they have been getting even more stange and loonely and immature. I told him that it was having his full actual name as his channel name was a wrong idea and that alot of his videos invite people into his house and his life and also can make him a laughing stock. Well that last bit I didnt say so much like that.
But anyway, he was telling me today that he got so upset about me writing that to him that he didnt sleep at all and felt like he never wanted to see me again. (which btw sounds like a nice break- he would unlikely be able to stick with that). But all this inspired him to talk at me about how he has studied 'psychiatric profiling' and has studied people's profiles online. He goes on to tell me that he is done with facebook (for the millionth on and off time) - because people arent as 'good' as him on there. Because he shows off all his talents and has 1000s of photos and are 'doing things in his life' (like sitting at home doing nothing with no life...) and that he likes to have photos up there of himself - thosands and then make it all private because he thinks that all the people who save photos of him treasure them more.
He is such a joke. His reality is that he is basically mentally handicapped. And Im sick of being his (still) responsibility for him in alot of things. He throws his needs onto others. He cant take any type of critiscm but can dish out to me and to others. Not that he does that much but for me- he seems to tell me that I dont know many poeple and that I dont put myself out there like he does so what would I know?
Well what I know is that nobody would go near him - no women or even men if they saw his youtube page. Well, the only people that would - wh=ould have low self esteem and want to try and turn him into seeing how pathetic and weird he is online.
I just feel so crazy and like I have him hanging on my back still. It can drive me crazy and stress me out still sometimes - though not as bad. And even though we are not toegether and indeed he broke up with me. He still acts like he is going out with me and I cant seem to get away from him. Even my home isnt a refuge from him. He is so invasive. Im sick of putting off my goals just to make room for him everyday. I actually went to the trouble the other day, knowing that he cant take me telling him about Youtube, I got a made up youtube account and made out I was some gamer that happened to pass by his channel and commented on 2 of them. One of them I even told him to get a life. I couldnt help it. I feel like he needs someone to jolt him into his reality - tho I know at the same time his brain cant do that. He is just in your face with his videos - esp when there at my place without permission or even about me. Without asking (not me in them- well my voice sometimes. ) Its just another boundary he feels he can cross yet I cantcross his boundary of saying things about his online craziness.
I would really love it if people on here could go on there and just say what they thought about his videos. Of course not mentioning this forum and stuff. But just generally letting him know how crazy he was. I need my space as he drives me crazy.
I dont stand for anything he stands for, I dont want to compromise my health by being around his smoke. I just need a rest from him. And even when I tell him that I do - he makes me try to change my mind because he cant stand spending time on his own and has to come over my place. Everyday.
Its like I just cant breathe and cant be free. He rings up the home phone all the time too. Which is tailered for my mum's deafness/hearing. And everytime the phone rings its always a big deal and its embarressing when he just left my place and then rings up and things like that - like he rings up nearly everyday. Despite me telling him dont ring up the home phone. I mean I have my mobile. And then just to make sure i know when he comes over (because he always comes over) - I message him and ask and make sure. And alot of the time I dont get an answer. Hes doing other things. So I end up stopping anything I had pllanned to do in order to wait for him to come over so I can get it over and done with. I cant be in the middle of things. Its like this afternoon and he wanted to come over and by the way he was parented he gets what ever he wants and no is not acceptable. Will thats what it feels like. I know he is being genuine with me - but he is invasive and Im sure he wouldnt put up with me if I were crazy like him and turning up at his place all the time that he had no time to actually do the things that make him him.
So he tells me he will come over after tea and couldnt be more specific than that. So he turns up at 6:00. Which is basically universal tea time really. And there I was eating my dinner really fast once again- because of him.
I just need a break from him and everything that comes with him as I feel like he has invaded everything that makes me, 'me'. I need my space and It feels like Im still going out with him and im not. Its driving me crazy.
There is always a growing motivation in me when Im around him to show him how pathetic he is. Its this ego thing that makes me feel like I know I could achieve some things if I put all my energy into it - quietly and then let him see that. I mean I know it's unhealthy to think that I need to show an insane person achievement to show him what real achievement is. But it really does give me drive to do so.
I feel like he is a vampire - a toxic person (well literally speaking in terms of his smoking and so on he is). I feel bad that I write like this about him- but I need to always get it out. He leave me no room to breath. He has done so much direspect to me over the years and I feel like I am a walking doormat. The other day I went for a walk with my dog for the first time in ages without rugs and it was liberating. But I was developing really bad anger and resentment issues thinking about him that it made me so angry. I shouldnt even be in contact with him is what my gut told me. I needed to get back to my own life and I needed to ditch him piggybacking on mine.
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Sacrament
Well-known member
You're not in a relationship with him anymore, but it's as if you still were. If you consciously decide to still hang out with him or have him in your life in any way, you still have to deal with all of him. He stresses you out because you choose to let him stress you out, because you've decided to keep him in your life in some capacity.
grapevine
Well-known member
Thanks Sacrement.
Its just very very hard to push someone out. Im not good with assertiveness. And most of the time I feel sorry for him and how he is so lonely. He acts bombards me with his needs all the time. He wants to not be alone Im sure of it. And I end up doing these things because he finds it hard to not take no for an answer.
I literally feel like my life is interfered by him and his wandering needs o not be alone.
Even when I put things in place and tell him I want a week or two to myself he cannot sustain any type of thing like that as he has no persistence with new things. He gives in and changes his mind with the things the next day.
I know I need to tell him that we aren't going out and that I need to move on and have my independence and space away from him. But its so hard to say that to him. Its actually really hard for me because he is in a dream world and there is a whole other half of him (or more like 70 percent of him) that is in delusion is crazy and dysfunctional that he cannot see. And I always have to take that into account. And its so frustrating. Because if I tell him that he comes over whenever and I never get any peace away from him that he is in my face and that the crazy things he believes and so on and does is so repelling and stressful to me and so on- its just going to end up with him making me seem like a bad person and then me getting wound up even if I were happy he wasnt in my life.
So Im happy im seeing my therapist today anyway and we can tackle what I can say to him and what I can do so that I am happy with huge boundaries and living my life apart from him. Because I feel like I step on myself when I let him in my life. Im just so tired and cant take it anymore - even when he is nice - which is all the time btw- but hes just so crazy and around me at every turn and I cant even do my own things because he just turns up.
I mean who comes over to a persons house early in the morning and walk into thier bedroom? Not letting them know they would come that early and waking the person up.
Just because his hair was good that day and he goes to bed at like 7:00 and wakes up early. Not realising that I like most people go to bed from 10:30. Not to mention my dog gets me up most nights. I always feel like I can never start anything because he is going to turn up.
Its just very very hard to push someone out. Im not good with assertiveness. And most of the time I feel sorry for him and how he is so lonely. He acts bombards me with his needs all the time. He wants to not be alone Im sure of it. And I end up doing these things because he finds it hard to not take no for an answer.
I literally feel like my life is interfered by him and his wandering needs o not be alone.
Even when I put things in place and tell him I want a week or two to myself he cannot sustain any type of thing like that as he has no persistence with new things. He gives in and changes his mind with the things the next day.
I know I need to tell him that we aren't going out and that I need to move on and have my independence and space away from him. But its so hard to say that to him. Its actually really hard for me because he is in a dream world and there is a whole other half of him (or more like 70 percent of him) that is in delusion is crazy and dysfunctional that he cannot see. And I always have to take that into account. And its so frustrating. Because if I tell him that he comes over whenever and I never get any peace away from him that he is in my face and that the crazy things he believes and so on and does is so repelling and stressful to me and so on- its just going to end up with him making me seem like a bad person and then me getting wound up even if I were happy he wasnt in my life.
So Im happy im seeing my therapist today anyway and we can tackle what I can say to him and what I can do so that I am happy with huge boundaries and living my life apart from him. Because I feel like I step on myself when I let him in my life. Im just so tired and cant take it anymore - even when he is nice - which is all the time btw- but hes just so crazy and around me at every turn and I cant even do my own things because he just turns up.
I mean who comes over to a persons house early in the morning and walk into thier bedroom? Not letting them know they would come that early and waking the person up.
Just because his hair was good that day and he goes to bed at like 7:00 and wakes up early. Not realising that I like most people go to bed from 10:30. Not to mention my dog gets me up most nights. I always feel like I can never start anything because he is going to turn up.
theslowesthand
Banned
theslowesthand
Banned
YES!! That was my first choice. :bigsmile:
Has he got any cheese to go on his crackers? Oh wait, are you the cheese? (or were)
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grapevine
Well-known member
Sometimes I place all this rugs stuff directly onto my shoulders. Then get into an anxiety fit like the last two days and it turns into this huge anxiety attack where I seem to think I have to fix it. I know this is the way my brain responds to things that it gets distressed about. Sometimes it feels like I gotta go through all the agony to find a solution rather than stop the mind in its tracks and go onto other things - which the later can be quite hard to do as I haven't been practising my independence in some while. I used to be good at just going out for a walk, journalling and dealing with whatever issue I had by means of turning it around with distraction and dreaming. i need to be doing those things again.
Yesterday my therapist made me lay on the floor (on cushions) and told me to try and breathe deeply as that is one issue that I have had for a year or more is not being able to fully take a breath- I feel like I physically am unable to do that anymore- not naturally anyway. So she encouraged me to try and find my deep breathing and describe what I was feeling as I tried. I told her I felt so restrictive in the chest and in my body. I felt like I had a weight on me and that prevented me from being able to fully breathe.
So what my therapist then did was get some cushions on top of me and then she actually lay on top of them so that she was squashing me. Its was a funny experience, but she told me to keep trying to a deep breath and feel whatever emotions came up. I felt like inside my stomach I had deep in there a sense of crying and feeling like I had been squashed the whole time from rugs. I felt like her squashing me like that was how i go about my days with letting his illness affect me and squash me that i cannot breathe. It felt so restrictive and that is how i felt. I also felt a bit of anger and was encouraged to beat the cushions lol.
This went on for 40 minutes, laying there restricted. After which, I felt a bit liberated and I could for once, breath deeper and felt much more relaxed.
Then, I felt like I needed to do chair work. lol. Altho my therapist is fully qualified and such, we don't do CBT, we do all sorts of things that may be helpful but mostly its just talk and listen. But chair work is quite daunting though. You sit there and there are chairs or a couch or whatever in front of you and you imagine either a person you have issues with or parts of your self in those chairs. And then you just say whatever you need to say to them, whatever comes out and what you cannot say in person.
Id imagine rugs in that chair and tell him that he is crazy. Tell him alot of things. But when I imagine my higher self and my reactive self in the chairs (and actually get up and sit in those chairs and be those selves) i found answers. And I felt much calmer.
I found out what I already knew. That I felt so disheartened all of the time that I cannot connect with this person because I cannot be genuinely authentic to them because that would involve confronting that person's delusions and illogical thoughts and behaviours. That it feels like robbing me of connection because that person is always around - but I cannot get any real connection. So I get frustrated and numb. I hold onto my breath.
It cuts into my values of being authentic relationships with people. Its not fair to me that he pushes intense friendship at me / meaning he is around all the time- but there is absolutely no way that i can get in and fully connect and be present with that person at all. Even though I always try and get disappointed each and every time. Theres a whole part of me that feels sick to the stomach when I see things that dont make sense that he does or that tell me that indeed he has lost all logic and has strange beliefs and everything in between. I get so worked up by seeing those things because it feels like mourning a friend and I cannot control it. It also makes me feel so cheated of a friend too and I get angry- specifically at him and want to argue to him and show him what reality. So much energy is stored tensely in my body from that.
My higher self-tells me that I cannot control him and his reality. I never will be able to. It tells me to appreciate small and good things from him but leave it at that. It tells me to be much more pro-active in my own independent life rather than getting upset for things that he cannot do and things that he does do that frustrate me. I cannot hold onto those things even tho they are frustrating. And I know that its quite upsetting too- because it goes against my values - to think not much of someone - to not expect to connect - it creates no need for that person in my life- yet that person strives to have me as their connected friendship - even though he cant bring that to the table.
The only way to have a friendship with him- one that acts with compassion to myself is to distance myself from him- to do all those things that strengthen my authentic identity and independence away from him. Things that surge my confidence - my values, my happiness and my independence. So that I am a living example of my own values and happiness- strive towards those things and then when I am with him every now and then - his dominance and his illogical way of life and illness wont be as much of a burden on me. Esp if I can get my social needs elsewhere with other people.
Yesterday my therapist made me lay on the floor (on cushions) and told me to try and breathe deeply as that is one issue that I have had for a year or more is not being able to fully take a breath- I feel like I physically am unable to do that anymore- not naturally anyway. So she encouraged me to try and find my deep breathing and describe what I was feeling as I tried. I told her I felt so restrictive in the chest and in my body. I felt like I had a weight on me and that prevented me from being able to fully breathe.
So what my therapist then did was get some cushions on top of me and then she actually lay on top of them so that she was squashing me. Its was a funny experience, but she told me to keep trying to a deep breath and feel whatever emotions came up. I felt like inside my stomach I had deep in there a sense of crying and feeling like I had been squashed the whole time from rugs. I felt like her squashing me like that was how i go about my days with letting his illness affect me and squash me that i cannot breathe. It felt so restrictive and that is how i felt. I also felt a bit of anger and was encouraged to beat the cushions lol.
This went on for 40 minutes, laying there restricted. After which, I felt a bit liberated and I could for once, breath deeper and felt much more relaxed.
Then, I felt like I needed to do chair work. lol. Altho my therapist is fully qualified and such, we don't do CBT, we do all sorts of things that may be helpful but mostly its just talk and listen. But chair work is quite daunting though. You sit there and there are chairs or a couch or whatever in front of you and you imagine either a person you have issues with or parts of your self in those chairs. And then you just say whatever you need to say to them, whatever comes out and what you cannot say in person.
Id imagine rugs in that chair and tell him that he is crazy. Tell him alot of things. But when I imagine my higher self and my reactive self in the chairs (and actually get up and sit in those chairs and be those selves) i found answers. And I felt much calmer.
I found out what I already knew. That I felt so disheartened all of the time that I cannot connect with this person because I cannot be genuinely authentic to them because that would involve confronting that person's delusions and illogical thoughts and behaviours. That it feels like robbing me of connection because that person is always around - but I cannot get any real connection. So I get frustrated and numb. I hold onto my breath.
It cuts into my values of being authentic relationships with people. Its not fair to me that he pushes intense friendship at me / meaning he is around all the time- but there is absolutely no way that i can get in and fully connect and be present with that person at all. Even though I always try and get disappointed each and every time. Theres a whole part of me that feels sick to the stomach when I see things that dont make sense that he does or that tell me that indeed he has lost all logic and has strange beliefs and everything in between. I get so worked up by seeing those things because it feels like mourning a friend and I cannot control it. It also makes me feel so cheated of a friend too and I get angry- specifically at him and want to argue to him and show him what reality. So much energy is stored tensely in my body from that.
My higher self-tells me that I cannot control him and his reality. I never will be able to. It tells me to appreciate small and good things from him but leave it at that. It tells me to be much more pro-active in my own independent life rather than getting upset for things that he cannot do and things that he does do that frustrate me. I cannot hold onto those things even tho they are frustrating. And I know that its quite upsetting too- because it goes against my values - to think not much of someone - to not expect to connect - it creates no need for that person in my life- yet that person strives to have me as their connected friendship - even though he cant bring that to the table.
The only way to have a friendship with him- one that acts with compassion to myself is to distance myself from him- to do all those things that strengthen my authentic identity and independence away from him. Things that surge my confidence - my values, my happiness and my independence. So that I am a living example of my own values and happiness- strive towards those things and then when I am with him every now and then - his dominance and his illogical way of life and illness wont be as much of a burden on me. Esp if I can get my social needs elsewhere with other people.
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