Okay, Im getting better : )
Im feeling slighly in control of my life atm, well a swell of pushing myself in the right direction. I think its quite hard to get rid of you know who atm. He is in my face and in over my boundaries often. I basically just see him for how he is. Ill go over once in a blue moon and watch films with him. I feel sorry for him. He has basically eaten away his brain from drugs and still continues to every now and then. He is strikingly like a child. And of course now, it sends chills down my spine of what ever I got myself into with him, was a big waste off so many thing for myself. My mind and heart tell me loud and clear that he was never worth it, that wasted so much time, wasted my health, my sanity, my money - everything on him and his needs. I know in my heart and in my higher conscious that I cannot let him in my life like I ever did. I cant believe how childish and un-responsible he is in life. No nothing. Millions of times I try to help him. Try to get him into feeling happy about things, try to push him into getting the pension and things like that. Encourage him. But to no avail. He is an absolutely dead brained person and its really very sad. I dont say these things like a bad gesture, I am being literal.
I really learnt my lesson. And, I never thought there were people like him. That bad you know. I just have no respect for him. But have to tolerate him in my life because I do care but I do not take him on anymore. His problems are his own. And I leave myself detached. But in able to be a friend even, I have to not expect a thing. like yesterday, he had been so excited that I was actually going to come around for once. Got some new release films from the library to bring over. Im doing this a service to him, because I can see he basically wallows in boredom and laziness and will sleep alot of the day with loneliness and depression.
He cant do much, he has very low concentration levels, very low oxygen in his body too from smoking and drinking huge amounts of milk and then eating loads of sugary things.
I text him yesterday to say I wasnt going to come over. I wasnt feeling like going over there. Then I thought, Id get it over with and try to enjoy some company, and that ill push myself. So I went over there, knocked on his door and it took a while for him to answer. He had all his roller shutters closed and it was very dark. He had been sleeping in the day. So I turned the light on and opened the shutters. And he didnt like that. I told him I thought Id surprise him as I changed my mind. And instead of being happy, he just decided he would go back to bed and sleep some more. And I was left waiting, in a darkish room getting upset and angry for 45 minutes to an hour. I said should I go? And he tells me no. I said should I put on a film ? and he says idk. Says he is not really up to it. So I sit there in anger from complete rudeness and selfishness from him and also him acting like a child. He cannot tolerate one inch of uncomfortablenss from others. Bare in mind how many millions of times, like when I had been ill or in the middle of things - including getting ready for work- that he would just turn up at my place and Id have to drop what I was doing and force myself to entertain him and go for a walk with him etc. And yet, he cannot do that for others. Its like his brain is all about himself first. And Im beginning to think that even when I was in that horrid relationship with him, it was really about him having someone to feel good about himself and have somewhere to go that he liked (my place on acres) and all the perks that came with me.
Everything was about him and still is.
I see him as someone I do not respect and as a hollow of a man. Someone that like the otherr morning rings me up whilst im getting ready for work with no real reason why. I say yes...?? what did you ring me for? And he cant answer that. It goes silent. Then tells me he is cleaning his room for the day. Then thats it. I have to talk to him and make a one way conversation because he cant say anything more - he has nothing to tell me. And then its hangup time. This is right when Im half an hour ready to leave for work. And then, the morning before that, he turns up at my place when Im getting ready for work. He doesnt want to wait in the doctors waiting room for his sister (he drove her) so comes over to my place- knowing Im getting ready for work. I completely ignore him and do my thing. Then wave to him later and he leaves. But he comes over and does these stupidly immature videos for his youtube at my place and its so annoying. And he smokes here. Bare in mind, when we were going out- he wanted me to go out of my way each fortnight when he got his risperdal jab - to wait in the doctors waiting room for him. Which would be an hour. Yet, he cant do that for others.
I cant stand those things.
I still have social pressure from him too. Everyday I have to make time in the afternoon and we go for a walk. But when Im not working and hes not volounteering, he pressures me to want to come over and watch movies or go for walks somewhere. When I have to tell him no because I have my own goals and things I want to do and my space. Hes just so anxious all the time for company and to get out. And its like Im his answer. And I am reluctant to be that anymore.
He says one thing, does the complete opposite. Is not loyal to his goals on anything, cannot stick to anything. And if you give him stuff, it will still be in his car 6 months later.
anyways- yeah - hes very annoying. Esp when he wont leave me alone and rings up my home phone alot just to tell me hes going to bed or things like that. Rather than just text me if its that important to him.
And wants to follow me in my chores for something to do - which I tell him no. And then later when I am fully present with him and he has my attention - he will rudely ignore me - not intentionally but just because his mind is on other things.
So he is so annoying at this point. And im thinking of having to sit down and discuss my boundaries with him. In a friendly manner. But he needs to respect them.
