Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

I think he loves being in his delusional world so that he feels important and in control from others that may tease him or something.

He admires that Amercian Psycho film - the character and his power. Acts like it online ( minus the murder stuff). Its like he wants to be a psychopath - with delusions of grandeur and delusions that people admire him and follow him and try to be like him and want to hurt him or annoy him or something. So he has to feel better and do all this.

How the hell do you shake a person's mind into retrospect from that lol?

 

[theslowesthand]

That's how he can be a "hero". It's the only way he knows how. Everybody wants to be a hero, and society is geared towards this.

 

[grapevine]

Yes. Thats his way and with judgement stamped on it as its quite intense lol.

Im sitting here in my room this morning on a Saturday all bothered because I had been disappointed with him with expectations again. This is teaching me things thats for sure- kinda like you know- do not rely on others. Lover yourself and rely on yourself.

When I came home from work on Thursday - it was my bday and he had said previously if Id like to go out for tea on that day/evening. Nothing was planned of course, but it was out there kind of thing. So as I worked all day on my bday, I was feeling a bit like going out for tea would be really nice as I was too tired to even make my own. So I contacted him that afternoon and asked if he wanted to go out for tea. Knowing it was my birthday. He responded with that he didnt feel like it, didnt want to go anywhere - and that that day he had driven his sister around and went op shopping and was tired from that. And that he was happy playing the guitar and sweaty and didn't want to go anywhere. Later, he then came over to my place to say hello. And then later he went home to see what his mum was having for tea and he ended up going to the very place we were going to go out for tea too - most likely - but to get take away from there for his mum.

So yeah, I got dissappointed. But then, he said to me to just wait til the weekend and we will have a good time as he was taking me for a trip to his home town an hour or so away as Ive only ever been there once a long time ago. He was all excited about it. And it was definate it seemed, that we where going.

The whole point of it, for me was that everything was done on his end. That I didnt have to lift a finger financially or any other way. And I was looking forward to it and he was really and his sister even looking forward to me going there. He talked about it for days.

So, I wake up - today being the day to go there. And tell him Ill be ready by 9:00. My dog had woken me up most of the night, so I told him Id sleep in an hour ( that was at 6:00). I was looking forward to it. That night I had made a car cd for our trip.

Then later, he tells me that he didnt want to go if Im tired. And that maybe go another day. And I said to him im looking forward to it. He tells me that he is a bit fatigued and then asks me if I have $50 for fuel to get there and back. ( this trip had been talked about since last weekend and he got paid on Thursday), and I lied and said that I didnt have the money. I did say to him tho, that he didnt think about this beforehand? Like even last night? Hed been telling me how excited he was.
I wonder if he thought that I was just going to pay for the petrol for my bday?
He then tells me (in his words) that he doesnt want to spend $50 on petrol for this trip. So I gracefully say okay, another time then.

My mum knew that it wouldnt happen and warned me not to get my hopes up. His bday presents were rushed secondhand quickly put togethers worthy of less than $5. His sister put some effort into one for me and I thank her for that. He had to ask me on the phone the day before my bday when it was because he wasnt sure.
Its just all in stark contrast to what Ive done for him. And Ive got to push myself away mentally and emotionally from him in order to find compassion and understanding for myself on it all.
I can't believe the way he conducts himself. The selfishness and lack of compassion he has and the overindulgence in his own self and ego.

He can afford to spend $50 on petrol for me. Its a big chunk out of his pay - but he goes around taking $100, $70 when he goes over to his friend's place. But with me, and all the money Ive spent on him. He cant even spend $50 on me.

Its very hard to not have expectations when a person has put them there even. I cannot rely on this person for anything- even his fish cannot rely on him to feed them as $2.00 is too hard to get out his bank account to go refill food for them.

He doesnt get how bad he is with me like this. My parents are angry with him, my mum says its cruel to me. How can someone be so negligent like that you know.

I know he isa very ill man. It makes it difficult to have raw anger towards him because he cant do and is blind to his dysfunctional stuff.

After xmas I am doing the deeds. But its going to be a very difficult thing for me. Because I will have to confront my fears that are attatched to this toxic relationship and face them. And its attatched to me feeling like Im going to become this overweight/obese, a sexual, unsocial and lonely person again. Im going to have to have the energy and conscious patience to rev up my self care and rewire my identity - all those things. To not give into the fear and the lonely thoughts. Im gonna have to 'Just keep swimming' kind of thing.

 

[grapevine]

Im feeling pretty depressed these last few days. i got hurt and continue to get hurt and now I feel like an emtpy shell of myself. Long gone is that person I once was. I have to remake myself again. I feel like im spat in the face. What ever my feelings - they dont matter to a certain person. Well- he did listen the first time and then apologised and so on. But today I was still angry and needed to vent to him about it by writing to him how it felt and how he doesnt even think to make it up to me etc.No matter how responsible I be in facing problems with them and how much compassion I have when I do it. The other person doesnt even want want to bother. Doesnt care. Its a cycle, this person acts selfish and hurts me, I tell that person, and that person tells me that he doesnt want to know because its negative.
Its abusive really. Hes gone into his cave.

Has no intend on making things up to me. I was so hurt. And then hurt again and then again today. Everything is about him and its even more striking then I thought. My family sees it as not right. Anyone would.

He is a sick man mentally and blinded to reality I know that. So even me carefully explaining why I was hurt and so on. Like telling an autistic person really. Its such an eye opener.

Ive got this whole week to myself. Actually no visits from him or anything - I demanded it. But my health has gone so much down. I dont know whats wrong with me but I still have such aching body and get puffed out from little things and find it hard to eat. Im always so fatigued and exahuasted and put on weight quite fast these last few months. I also get dizziness and nausea all the time. I find it hard to do anything. I think its jsut so much stress and lately distress. My body cant cope.

I need to book the doctor anyway.

 

[grapevine]

I dont know how I am going to do it. Next year in jan or feb. Im basically going to be in a closed off way and this depression from not being my true authentic self with all my ideals and goals - and values - they seem so far away right now and its like I have a disabled son that plonks over those things almost.


After my bday fiasco, I realised that there's nothing there for me even more than I had thought. I realised that I was being truely un-compassionate towards myself to be with this guy because it meant that I had to give and receive little in return, not get the needs that I need.

I waited, that week on my bday- I wondered if he could. He said he would take me to his hometown - a drive to have a look around - an hour or more away as I hadn't been there properly before. He said he would show me the sites and then even said that he could take me out to lunch there. That whole week he was talking to me about it. Saying he was excited to go. Then, that Saturday and I message him to tell him Id be ready in an hour and he tells me straight up that he was feeling tired and didnt want to take me and that he didnt want to spend $50 on petrol to take me.

I told him that he didnt think of this before?
Anyway, that day I went out with my mum instead- I drove to another town and we went out to lunch. I was so tired from work that I really wanted to not do anything, but mum felt sorry for me and dad - because of all the things that I had done for rugs and he was thinking about himself again. That on that Thursday on my bday, after work I asked if he would like to go out for tea, as he had suggested it. But he answered that he didnt feel like it and that hadnt thought about doing that. That he didnt want to go anywhere as he was tired and just couldnt be bothered basically. And that was on my bday. I got quite upset.
In that moment, I realised he can only really think of himself. You have to do things for him, and take responsibility for him 99 percent of the time, but he cant do things for you.

He made me excited to going for that trip to his hometown that we were going to go on that Saturday- saying we could go out to eat there instead. So I felt like, okay hes dissapointed me as a boyfriend and will make it up for me on Saturday. But then when he said he didnt ant to pay petrol and was tired and so on. It was another disappointment. Far different in priorities as Ive been with him.

I feel like Ive changed since then. Its like Im in depression and I just dont care now. Hes far way down in my bad books. I wrote to him, explaining how I felt and why it hurt so much. The first time I just really danced around it. He got angry at me and told me that he doesnt feel bad until my moods get to him. Im like.. really- your not taking responsibility there (in my mind). Then the next day he did say that he was sorry and that it must be annoying having to pay for him alot. But I still felt like it hadnt got through to him.
So it called for another letter/message later on screaming at him why I really felt the way I did. How rude and hurtful it was to me. And about all how last year and more I was the one who took him everywhere, paid for meals out, used my car, my petrol, my moey for everything. I even throught my desicion bought him an iphone for his bday. He bought me untimely scrambled together baby toys from a thrift store and a few other things like that.

And then waiting for something from him- waiting for him to try and repair the damage he did. Waiting for him to surprise me to make up for being rude and hurtful on my bday - and nothing. He wasnt evening thinking about me- he was busy taking selfies and taking his sister out to another town for a day out.
I thought he could save his money and take me out to tea to say sorry. But he didnt do anything. And I even wrote in my letter/message to him that all I ask is that you read this snd understand where Im coming from.

And guess what? He cant even do that. He said- he didnt read it. He didnt want to dampen his day because I write all negative stuff.

Which you know, really showed me his immature shallowness. It showed me - I cant take this guy serious even less than I did. And how his thought processes can only really think about himself foremost.

So I was away from him for a while. And then just gave in. Hes mentally disabled anyway. I still have a grudge, but I just am in depression right now and just dont seem to care. I dont want him anymore at all.

Last night, he stayed over so that he would come with me when I drove in the city to drop my mum off. I asked him as I thought he might like to go xmas shopping. Considering he only relaly shops at thrift stores.
But I had to tell him that he'll need money. Because thats how bad in responsibilities he is.

Turns out his mum gave him $50 to spend for the day and he was prepared to get him and his sister xmas presents. Turns out also that he didnt want to really spend any money on lunch or any snacks or food either and I had to prepare for that. I bagged up some biscuits and a drink for him as he was going there with nothing. Still, turns out if I bought some food for myself Id have to share it with him. We were going to go halves on lunch - in the form of hot chips - but I said to him out of coursteousy that Id pay for him (once again) as hed have not much to spend. I wanted a meal for myself - but had to be polite and share a tiny paper plate of chips and then later by him some snacks because he wont buy him himself. Thats the thing, I always end up spending money on him even when I try not to. He is so un-organised that it just ends that way. Esp if Im going to buy some food for myself- and he wont spend his money cause he hardly has any on food. Im not going to buy stuff and eat in front of him. What I should have done was pack my own - but I didnt have anything in the house on short notice and was going to buy anyway. But I shouldve let him realise on his own. And have to get something on his own rather than having to get him stuff. The thing is he can be very clingy when he is like that and want to do what Im doing as a partner. But at the same time - be unable to stand up to the plate and pitch in.

And some presents he got his sister. lol - some people are shocking at presents. She (his sister) found at an op shop not long ago a Gwen Stephanie doll (she likes her) and has it in her room - so Rugs thinks that at the Cheap store that she would like a cheapo barbie (not real barbie) in the box. And Im like.. is going to liket hat lol ?? Its just all weird. I know he has got me like he got me for my bday- nasty cheap second hand old soft little toys like mcdonalds and baby toys - that I dont know why he thinks I like that - and then other stuffed toys. He even got his sister today an Elmo stuffed toy (????....she's 30 and not retarded like a child).

At least the thought counts.

Last night he was grumpy at me and told me that him and his sister had been talking about me and that she thinks Im harsh on him. (shes got schizophrenia too). Harsh because I speak up about all those selfies he takes - the unhealthiness about it and such self absorbed and creepy - to take that many and also about me complaining about his smoking (im allergic to it and it stinks) and his hairspray (same thing) and I just basically disrespect him because he lacks any goals or vision for himself, only really thinks of himself and yet relys on others. I guess that comes out in many ways at him. He was saying how its good to put selfies and that many online and that I should stop complaining. Its all so twisted on his end. Anyone could see the truth.
It jsut really came from nowhere last night. I had to just give up and not let it affect me. I said what do you have a problem with and then told him well thats because we have different values and diferent lifestyles. He was going on about how I cringe at him and say things everytime he stares at his reflection in a car window or mirror and does a kind of zoolander face all serious. He does it all the time- its like a universal moral to not be so self absorbed like that. Hell ask me about his hair and talk for ages about it. Hell be all pompous online about how good looking he thinks his face is. I mean, I have to put up with that. And everything else.

Its jsut made me so depressed. I feel like hiding in my room and resting for 6 months until I can get back some room to breath and recover and then conjur up goals again.
With him there are too many things for little in return. And things like bad hygiene and smoking and yellow teeth, seriously bad breath, seriously bad odors coming from his body that look like yellow fumes to me, bad habits, no goals, no values, un able to plan, have no money and rely in others withou hesitation, stinks, living in some wierd reality, cannot be responsible for many basic things- including me like on my bday.

I jsut feel like having all my space away from him and away from my family and just sleeping for ages til I can get back into my better self.

 

[F0AM]

Hello Grape！

There was this post from another person who had a difficult relationship similar to yours and you gave a very good advice！Sometimes we dont give those advices to ourselves, so that's what im going to do here if you dont mind, to help you..well...helping yourself！

Id take it as a journey. You care for him, but he has his own issues. I would for your best interest - jot down what your ideal partner would be to you - in qualities and then stand this guy against it. Would your ideal man ignore you like that?

Its good to feel wanted and loved. But it comes from ourselves first.

:）

 

[grapevine]

Hey thanks Foam : )

I had an old friend write to me the other day and I confided in her about rugs. Ive always looked up to her and cried so bad as a teenager when she from Australia and back to Germany to live. She is the loyalist person I know- and have always admired. She warned me before I went out with him, as she has a brother who has schizophrenia too and that it wouldnt be good for my mental health to deal with that. But of course I didnt really take that on. At that time I didnt know how bad rug's health actually was and that the negative symptoms of his illness would compromise my identity and values. I didnt know that he was incapable of giving back and didnt realise how deluded his life was- how child-like in responsibilities etc.
My friend told me that I need to look after myself first. Because she told me my health was everything and that her late father told her that. And that has always been a huge moral of mine. I told her that I didnt know how to do this and she said that I should limit the times I spend with him over weeks and weeks so that when it comes to letting him go - he wouldnt be as bad perhaps.

Im dreading it all. Ive never been in this position and it hurts because I dont have any other social life than from him (and work) and I knew that was going to be an issue. Im going to have to deal with so much.

Last night on messenger he was writing to me alot which was unusual. He had forgotten which was rare - that he had to have his anti-psychotic injection on Friday as he was out with me in the city. So his anxiety was fueling and he was ranting to me about how he does amazing things on social media and documents them. That he takes so many selfies because he thinks his face is very good looking and that he thinks he is going to be famous oneday with his guitar skills and that he has things over people - he thinks he dominates the internet and carefullly does his pages to be the best (which include cut outs of old photos of him with famous girls ..) - he talks about how he does real life stuff on there and documents it unlike other people. That he does amazing stuff.

I just cant take it anymore. It stresses me out so badly. e is delusional, paranoid, even when he is on medication. He is self absorbed and up himself, relys on everyone but himself and doesnt think of others doing things for him as he expects it almost. He cant plan, he cant do so many things. He has no goals, nothing to do everyday (except if he is working) and expects me to fill his days with things to do for him. Which I have over done to exahustion always thinking of him and taking him out and the one time on my bday I ask him to do the same and he said he didnt feel like it and didnt want to spend money.
Everything is about him.

He thinks there is nothing wrong with spending every 5 minutes looking at himself on his phone- on his selfies or taking selfies.

I wrote to him yesterday completely without any filters and telling him what I thought of his after I saw all these rants of arrogance and delusion all over his instagram. Ive been doing that lately- yellling my truth at him. Because its very distressing to see all this stuff. Its like he is so up himself beyond belief and being such a i d iot online thinking that people are looking at him all day or something. I then later had to be the bigger person like always and apologise to him. Then later he puts all these cut and paste photos up on his instagram of blonde women he likes. He did that on purpous really to annoy me because of what I wrote - but it had no effect on me. Im so far gone down the path I really dont care anymore.

It really sux that im in this mentality now where I just have had enough- where I cant feel much anymore. Im so tired of it all. He is a selfish man despite his illness. Its too much for me. And Im so tired of having to pay for everything for him.
I couldnt believe what he gave me for my bday too. Just a bag of old dirty small teddies and baby toys he got from thrift stores - prob cost him 50 cents all together. And I bought him an iphone for his bday. See the difference. Top it off, he wasnt even sure what day myday was. I planned his months in advance. That day, on my bday I had to spend it dissapponted and feel like I had been abused like I was nothing because he could fit the bill to take me out ike he had said - because in his words he didnt want to. So I had to drive and go somewhere with my mum to have a meal and day out. It was a miserable day and I was already exahausted from work and didnt even want to drive anywhere and my mum cant drive. I was so hurt by it. And I still am because now I have no energy anymore since that day in me. After that - it was the last big straw.
I felt like the basic of needs in a relationship I dont get but yet Ive had to endure so much to make him happy.

 

[theslowesthand]

There's a name for people who have delusions of grandeur about their own abilities, but i forget the name. I think it's common for people with scizophrenia to have this "thing" too.

 

[grapevine]

Yes I think its a thing. I think some people are able to recognise it - those who have mild schizophrenia I think cant go in and out of it. But with him its quite overwhelming. Nothing you can do to try to show him the reality even tho it really gives you neurosis. When you have a 'partner' I guess be all like that - it feels like its a reflection of you and you cannot connect- you dont want to - you really want to ge as much distance as possible lol. You feel like its all so toxic. Its quite overwhelming, as much as you dont want to let it get to you - its so irritating and you want to yell out his reality because he is so self glorified and so on. One of his words was that he is very efficient (?) he just threw that in there and I have never ever seen him like that ever lol. The fact that he thinks that he does magnificent things online is beyond me. He will go on some mental troll trip and take photos of his facebook page with his phone where in the page it says 'people you may know..' and he sees a person's profile with sunglasses on so he'll make his whole banner one with a selfie of him with sunglasses on.. that kind of thing- thinking he has one over people - all day doing things like that.

Seriously- if your on Instagram have a look at his page: guitar_god_1984_ how am I not supposed to be stressed from that you know. Anyway, m just trying to get out all the frustration in my mind so that I can get busy backing all the gingerbread for xmas : )

 

[grapevine]

I really need to journal. Ive been completely self-sabotaging myself and being very depressed and anxious- fearful - believing in my fear and acting for them. I need to be upfront with myself and go back to the drawing board because I was 'stuck' for most of and over a decade in situations like this - where self-sabotage and just living with unmet needs and no motivation was my way of life. It only made me smaller. When I was so ashamed of myself and depressed and gave up on the society around me - things only got smaller and smaller. Sure there was romantic about it - and that I took the smallest things with gratefulness and was aware of the things most people are too busy for I guess. But living so small, rushing to hide when people were about - and trembling with anxiety and shame when there were family get-togethers.

I fear that I am going to get big again. And that fear that is in my subconscious is making me
act on it. I have been binge eating my emotions away. A way of life I used to have that was so hard to get out of until I had a goal. See once I was in society and had a role, a job and was actually around people and had an identity - I realised that it was up to me to make my own identity towards people. So I had a goal that those around me could see me as my best. And at the time Rugs was there and I wanted to impress him too. The first time I had a male my age actually talk with me and get to know me. All the signs were there, yet I didn't realise how impaired he was. But we've been there.

I feel like a walking dead person at the moment. I have floating unmet needs and its making me very depressed and self-sabotaging and irritated.

I had expectations when I was trying to get rugs attention back in the day, that he would bring me things- needs that I had in me. Which I need to find out what they were. There are many - basic onces too.

But prior to saying yes to going out with him, I was at a really good place in my life because I only just figured out wholeheartedly that only I could make myself truely happy and love myself more than any other. And when I figured that out, I felt amazing. I felt free. I had a responsibility to myself. And felt like I could go and achieve what ever I wanted. Considered I had come so far already. I truely believed it. And I still do. But its clouded and I really need to confront it all. Otherwise Im just a walking zombie of fears. No good to anyone - most of all myself.

I jsut get so tired and dont want to confront it. There are huge elements of being brave to be happy. Thats why most people arent happy. They need to confront their unmet needs and find ways to get them. Once I can find what Im looking for- and knowing their not in rugs - and that I can get them by myself and find a path - I think I can get motivated and start doing the things that my self sabotage keep stopping me from doing.

I thought that rugs would make me feel wanted, beautiful and feminine. That is a need I very much wanted. I had that taken away from me in my 20s and became so ashamed and asexual, got big etc. In this need, I think its a reason why Ive stuck around.

I guess there is identitiy too. If I think about who I am now. I really dont like it. I havent done things to build on myself as Id been too busy doing things for him- with him and being upset all the time and frustrated/distressed and compensating all my values and ways of living just to please him and to not be alone and to feel feminine.

I feel like I cant be the person I want to be - that I truely am because he is almost the anti-christ to it lol. But at the same time a motivation in me somewhere is that I want to show to him and his sister that I achieve things and that I have goals. I want to do things to show all those values back at them that I believe in. Because the way they live is so unvalued.

I guess I want to show myself too. I just want to be that best person again but better and more informed. I want to shred my identity from where I am now, become my best and build and build. I dont want to be stuck in this child-like unresponsibile and toxic, delusional world with rugs. I want to be in my own.

He goes on about how our kids are going to be so and so. There is no way I would ever have kids with him. He talks like that and yet cant even afford to go out anywhere and I always have to fit the bill. I feel like im in a relationship of mentally disabled neglect from him. I have needs like him being responsibile for himself for one. Another, for a guy to take me out and make me feel special- not the other way around. Another- to feel respected and have a deep connection with a partner, to have attention, to be present with, to share goals and build a life together around our values and lifestyles, our goals. That sort of thing.

I need to dig deeper on all this. I dont want to be afraid anymore - I jsut want to be able to move forward and start living with building myself back up.

 

[Sacrament]

How often does he talk about kids? If he sometimes brings it up, try telling him that you simply cannot see yourself ever having kids with him. Blunt, but honest.

 

[grapevine]

He brings it up all the time.

I cant get anything from him - can you imagine having kids with him - hes a kid with special needs lol


He wrote on instagram today - I came back from work and hes been writing about how he just wants some kids and a property out the coast way.

I tell him why do you write things like that but have no goals to get them. Meaning why talk about them?

His response to anything adult is that 'Im ignoring you'.

He cant respond - he cant do anything. And Im always left with emptiness feelings on just about anything then I always have to be the bigger person.


Someone that ill I shouldnt tricker into his mess - but being in this ending relationship makes you want to go there.

 

[grapevine]

This time of the year and Im listening to Judy Garland over and over - just that one 'Have yourself a Merry little xmas...' from meet me in st loius ( i think?).

It had calmed me the last few days when I felt so tired and drained and hurt. That song makes your heart open. Makes things feel so much better. Makes you want to forget your troubles and make people's day.

But its not going to work tonight. I so want to listen to it, but im worried it wil hurt me.

Its funny feeling two emotions at the same time. On one end, I'm relieved it happened that Im free to be me and not be attached to the very sick man that was making me sick too. That all his way of living and values were nothing like mine - that he was when taking a seat back, extremely mentally ill and delusional. And I was trying to make him moral and accountable and compassionate and goal centred and to see outside his box. Because I couldnt connect with him. Minor expectations were too much.

Anyway, Ill still have to reflect and reflect, but I need to be quick about getting back onto my toes and not leaving myself open to depression. Ive been in depression for 6 months I think but not real bad like ive had b4. Ive been so overwhelemd by his crazy stuff that its made me ill really bad. Id never get away from it. I was bombarded without any room to breathe.

Make it harder and his sister is the same as him. Both shallow thinking and no depth, both delusional and things. Literally.

Different values.

I didnt want to adopt any of their habits as they were not positive ones.

It made me very very ill and stopped me from being my best.

I know now that a person to be in a relationship with is a person you would look up to for their values and who would help encourage you to be your best.

 

[grapevine]

Gosh there is so much Ive put aside that now i can do. I was so upset and so putting myself last for so long. So much social pressure from just one person that I really would think about him over myself, it was easier to neglect myself and find comfort in forgetting and delving in things that didnt serve me as I had no energy to attempt my things. Id get caught up in his winds of dysfunction and it would break me.

All year I've been so ill. I was literally dragging my feet, had problems breathing and crippled with exhaustion. Had a heavy mind that wouldnt leave.

I was dealing with things that couldnt be fixed. But believed they could somehow. Well, I believed that he wasnt accountable for his actions - but it wasnt that- it was that he was oblivious to them.

I feel real sad. We have planned to open our presents on monday- for xmas - but I dont think I feel up to seeing him. Its too early in the seperation for that. Ill feel quite upset if I do, I know I will. It will be like when I first wanted that attention from him and never got it adn wondered if I wasnt desirable as a woman. It will feel like that again.

I think - if I think hard enough now. The reality is that I dont feel good enough to be in a relationship with a normal man. I feel like they would be like I have to rugs. Like the guy who abused me in my 20s - it was like that. I had no job then and things - I was deep in SA and didn't realise the responsibilities.

Thats the thing, Ive always thought about how Id never be able to be with a guy because I dont have the savings and work experience and social experience etc..

That expectation is much higher in a normal relationship - with a person without an illness like rugs. With him, he didnt really have much expectations on me- other than doing things for him if I did. But he lacked basic things.

It was just the idea of him. The heart of him that I liked. He was very very loyal and very affectionate - even with his illness. If i wasnt for that illness and his addictions, he wouldve been a match.

It just pretty much hurts still even tho I had to leave it and found it hard to do. Because he did it - its been easier.

But its still giddy.

Ive got my books and ebooks on self help tho.

 

[grapevine]

Now what Ive done is say we are friends and then given him hope. None of which I might add has been done at all in person. And the fact that he changes his mind on things all the time, I guess this is sufficient enough for me to be with today at least.

But there will be a time when I will talk to him in person and say that it cant happen. But because he is to involved at this stage emotionally and Im too stressed - Im not going to do that yet. Even tho I should.

Im dragging this out and it sux.

 

[grapevine]

Well being just friends and knowing he is busy working on himself for himself is a good direction.
He admits he wants this too.
But I know that he told me that he wants to know if Ill be there in the future perhaps and I just told him that I dont think Ill be wanting a relationship anytime soon. Im telling him that at least straight.
I feel like even tho right now its not really okay to have this elephant in the room of desire from him - that in not having any personal contact and then slowly limiting texting - that it will get better bit by bit.
Its just quite hard because we both have similar social issues - that ripping off the badnaid is too much.
The ball is always in my court from now on and being only friends, distancing myself and growing my own life and him doing the same - hopefully the right direction. Its just hard to not feel like he is being lead on. And with that, I have to limit it. Its just difficult, but not near as difficult as when I was his parnter.

Ive burried myself and back with that. It was alot to deal wtih. His sister from what he says doesnt like me anymore and says I was abusive to rugs. Which I may of when I would write to him when we were going out. When I was so distressed with his crazy stuff online that I couldnt breathe at work and had so much stress over it and reapid heart beats and that I just would end up with anxiety attacks. The amount of times I would tell him it distresses me and explain why and that I would try not to look but couldnt help it. And he would just ignore me and not read that or really listen. And continue to just do that stuff. SO I ended up exploding to him ofcourse - that was on Friday. I just kept going crazy at him - wouldnt stop punching what ever on the keys to try to make him understand the enormity of how I felt. And so that was when he suggested we break up. And it was very sharp toungued and in the moment.

But now, being just friends is better. But that fine line is too strong and Ive go to push myself to limit our online. I want to be able to go out for walks every now and then as a friend sometime next year- but to try to forget about him - its a little hard to do. I think he will be in my life for a while but not a big load.

I dont think he is really there yet as Id been crying over breaking up with him for over a year - he has only just. I think he is denial right now. But it will go through. Slowly. once I start to lose the contact more and more.

Im happy he is doing things for himself tho. Actually working on goals for once.

 

[grapevine]

Just cant shake these straining and hurtful feelings. They should go I guess. Its like its just - emotionally I feel lost and dont know where I am. And Im not looking after myself because of it.

I just feel like cooping up and falling into depression really. And I know that depression happens when you loose hope -so I guess that happened. I wanted a realtionship - I had feelings - but his illness was a way too much for me, and now Im just sad and worried for him of false hope and for me of big gaps. It feels pretty empty I guess.

But I know that is where I just have to deal with it for now and sleep on it and then start to pick myself up my way. I guess I feel in a way that if I look after myself and do my self care stuff that Im going to end up in a situation where hell want to be with me again - so in some odd way Im preventing myself from my own goals out of fear.

Im not sure how to get back onto my feet and what to aim for. I feel like i need to mellow for some time or something. I guess I just need to find my passions again and all that. Its just i dont know its hard atm.

 

[grapevine]

Okay he once again did the things that I could not do. I suppose it's a lot harder when u have been isolated with social phobia for so long, it's not that your selfish it's that you crave that contact you hadn't had in so long - even if parts of it don't adhere to your values. I got quite a bit upset but I knew it was the right thing to do and he knew it too.

To cut ties on chat. To stop messenging online. But I found that so hard to do - it's hard because there's Boone else I've been so close to before. That's why I stayed past all the stuff. But also because I had feelings - how could I not. Despite a persons illness and values at the heart it was genuine.
So he proposed to only check in as friends online on the weekend just to make sure we are okay - due to the mental health things.

But I figure it's going to drop that off too later on.

It's just so empty and hard but I want to work on myself I mean he is so I should too. Build myself back up like I had been saying. Overcome my fears of going backwards. I don't need a guy to be able to be my best self. I mean I've feared that if he weren't there - I'd turn back into that fat asexual agoraphobic self again. And all the reading I've done ESP with Buddhism and artatxhment - that it creates suffering and in fact it did.

I know as the weeks go by and as I already feel so empty and demotivated right now - that it's going to get really rough. And I just need to get up at some stage from mourning and go do my goals and get passionate again.

Just right now I'm in the thick of feeling so drained and heartbroken really. Anyways I'll likely be on here much more in my journal I hope to right it out and get it out.

Seeing my therapist tomorrow so that's something. As hard as this is for me I actually think it's harder for him . But getting on with things and taking it slow - time will heal etc

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, to be fair, it's not uncommon to feel how you're feeling, especially after all you went through with the guy. It'll take time to come to terms with it and move on. But you will, eventually. Hopefully. And don't feel too bad about the break-up, at the end of the day you did the right thing. Even if he who said to stop seeing each other.

 

[grapevine]

I think I've just got to get on with it. Even if he is doing things for himself- trying to improve himself to get me back, and my wording to him was prob not as definite as it should have been. I sway very easily as I do have feelings and issues with assertiveness.

I cant think about him. That feeling that Im getting well to be with him again - its like that is what he is aiming for. At least we only speak on weekends.

I think through time the dynamics and things are going to change and hell lose the interest of me perhaps. Its just so hard because I yearn for that love feeling but at the same time its counterproductive to me to be with him because of all his issues.

and still - he is not fully all aware of them. He just knows that things he did online and his smoking and non goals was affecting me.

But at least he is improving himself - if he continues doing things for himself.

But I guess and I think - Ive been jumped about so often with him and his turning up and mind chagning of things that its grown on me a little. Of planning and so on. But I wont go there.


All I know is that now I am dealing with a wide road of knowing that I can get back onto my goals and start to become my best self again and put myself first. But the thoughts of thinking about him all the time is still there- the worry etc.

I think he thinks we are broken up for 2-6 months. That in that time if he works on himself and I work on myself that we might be able to get back together again. But i now that it wont work out that way. I know I will work on myself but it hinders me to think that its a way of getting back to him because I cant go there. Even if I feel like I want to. A person cannot change like that. There are too many issues.
But I think like I said, its not hurting right? That at least he has a little motivation in him for once. Its just that down the track. It makes me worry.

What I want to happen and considering over time, esp with very limited and then to no contact. Is to later ,much, much later - become casual friends. If that can be done.

At least he knows how to express himself and tell me if things are okay or not.

So at this point its only chat on messenger on weekends. Prob going to limit that later too.