Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

Yeah when I ventured for the first time in a very long time into society - I had severe sensitivities to how people saw me and that affected my bdd - it really made it me have to ride the waves of it so to speak. I think if you have large amounts of time away from society you don't get that reflection from others and so your social identity is kind of unknown - well it has been for me and I really only had an abusive man from many years ago to look to for reflection- so I was highly sensitive to how people act towards me and how they see/saw me. I used to get really upset with a certain old lady who now ironically died last year- because she used to Bring up how pretty or gorgeous people were in front of me all the time and to me that would play on my bdd and I'd be asking myself questions of how they saw me and feeling like no one saw me how I saw myself when I felt in those rare moments actually good about myself.
I think bdd and social phobia has a lot to do with our self identity.

 

[grapevine]

So I'm having big fears and anxieties and stress because I've put on weight over this year and now it's spring. Most of my clothes are all tight - esp the tshirts id wear the last few warm seasons. I've been heading for processed foods since rugs re-introduced me to them - by that i mean - his lifestyle although I'm no where near as bad as him - became a fast and spend from time constraints and not having to want to go back and forth at the time from my place to his.
I ended up back in processed town and hence part of the reason why allyear I'd been so ill - most of being ill tho has been to burnout and stress tho.

So I have a fear that I'm just going to be out of control because years ago I did that and felt it and then a few years later was 92 kg.

I've gone from 82 kg istart of 2015 to 52 kg Going through to 2016 - and the start of this year - to then 65 kg now.

I am able to somewhat stop processed food eating but the reasons why I'd reach for those packet junk foods is because I'd be completely emotionally disappointed and depressed from rugs lack of so many things due to his schizophrenia and all the.crazinees I put up with in the things he likes to do that involved his overflated delusional ego and some paranoia with the internet and so on. The frustration of wanting to back away and runaway from him and his craziness and want a break and boundaries and time to myself which before I never
ever.

So anyway, I don't like fears because they change your intentions and things gravitate and fall to outcomes of what was feared. And I know this quite well.

So I am gathering a lot of energy to create s wealth of happy intent to where I want to go and changing my identity again and loosing 10 kg and changing my diet again. Back to 80 % raw - abd starving off the processed foods.

Rugs lifestyle is one of anxiety every second. He spends money on lollies and iced coffees and junk food all the time. He won't cook for himself so ends up eating prepackaged junk or foods that u just heat up etc.

Where as I been brought up to save money- to stay at home xmd get back to grass roots if cooking your own meals - in my case raw meals. Amanda is never had the time to do that with rugs because I'd always had to be with him - he didn't want to be alone or bored and I was the person for that fill. He'd be hanging around me bored if I did my own cooking or I'd have some hours to myself but kind of be on a really fast time limit to fit it all in. And it'd been like that for ages. I ended up loosing my lifestyle to make him happy. It meant that I'd have to buy quick calorie foods - like dates and sultanas and then find meals already prepared as he lives in a garage with no kitchen and I didn't want to enter his parents kitchen which was always full of meat.
I'd end up spending money on quick foods I didn't want to eat and waist if the foods I wanted to eat - at home they rotted away time after time as I ended up pleading rugs instead. I never had the time and I was too tired to go back and forth and if I wanted to stay home he'd want to be with me. At least now I have some space.

But my way hay helped me solve my obesity and get me on raw foods and maintain a happy feeling of body confidence and happy weight of 55kg was intuitive eating and conscious eating and being at home and listening to what I was nutritionally craving and finding the right foods to fill that with no feelings of guilt or unhealth.

So to have the time on my own to do that is crucial for me. I still end up scrambling to put some food together in order to rush and make my tea and eat it. Just because it's really uncomfortable when rugs comes over at tea time and it's like he is waiting g for me to finish.

Anyways. I'm really sick of myself and want to change myself again. I don't like who I am anymore - my identity at the moment feels not who I really am anymore - that I'm just in survival mode. You can tell from the way I dress too. I'm not pushing my boundaries anymore - I've been dealing with relationship things and all that stress rather than working in myself and so I've got to a real low,
Again.

I feel like it's important right now to have a lot of space from rugs. I need to start caring for myself again and lifting myself up -I need to find myself again - the authentic me and start living more and more independently again - pushing my boundaries and going with the ups and downs - the glow. I'm living in grey leggings - all year - I'm settling for hiding myself with not liking me and with feeling too overwhelmed and not enough space from rugs to be able to work on myself.
But writing this down I've come to realise this now.
It's spring and I want to feel just as good as I did a year ago when I was very high raw and was high in self care and really pushing myself with paitience and fearlessness - and being the person I want to be - not who people even rugs thinks I am. I want to surprise people and show them my truth - who I feel I am and really forcing that out there.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

"Processed Town", ha ha, I love it.

I've been a denizen of processed town myself for far too long, I definitely need to eat healthier. It's so easy to start sliding into poor eating habits when you feel depressed, comfort eating has kept me sane... but it's also killing me.

I feel like it's important right now to have a lot of space from rugs. I need to start caring for myself again and lifting myself up -I need to find myself again - the authentic me and start living more and more independently again - pushing my boundaries and going with the ups and downs - the glow.

There you go, Grape. I hope, hope, hope you find a way to put this into action and are able to stick to it.

I think it's just a matter of time before you're back to living an authentic life and putting yourself first, not in a selfish way, but in a healthy one.

 

[theslowesthand]

Is this what your raw-food diet is?
https://www.alternet.org/food/8-warning-signs-reveal-dark-side-clean-eating

 

[grapevine]

Is this what your raw-food diet is?
https://www.alternet.org/food/8-warning-signs-reveal-dark-side-clean-eating

Well lol no that's not exactly the raw vegan diet. That is a condition called Orthorexia, which is obsessed with being clean.

There is a part in the vegan world where most people go on a cleanse for a while. IF you've ever seen 'Fat Sick and Nearly Dead' doco - where they go and juice fruits and vegetables in large quantities for 60 days - to clean their body and rid them of their sicknesses (auto-immune diseases). A cleanse is like that.

The thing that I like about the raw vegan diet- and I do it 80-90 percent- so I eat a cooked whenever I feel I want it. The thing about this diet is that Im eating fruits and vegetables, beans nuts and seeds and other things (seaweeds, algae...lol) and really nourishing my body and I feel it. Getting a lot of nutrients more than the average person. I supplement tho with B12- and D3 tho. I get all my protien/amino acids from the foods I eat and I eat alot too. Except tho when Im eating processed foods as thats when my mind goes all funny and I get anxious and depressed and tired and feel addicted to wanting more- I end up malnourished the days I eat that stuff as it stops me eating better homecooked stuff.

The raw vegan diet is completely the opposite of what most people think it is too. I mean, right now I'm eating a homemade raw cheesecake I made out of soaked cashews, banana, strawberries, syrup and vanilla in the blender- with a base of cashews, almond butter and dates. Put in the freezer and BAM- OMG.. its awesome.

I like to eat whole foods because I feel so much better in my body and mind from it. Ive been on processed foods - gradually bringing them back in since Rugs and since then- of course the stress from him too- Ive become burnt out. Literally having flue like symptoms and not being able to do anything and bed ridden for days.

But the last week Ive actually put myself first and decided that I wanted to cut out the processed stuff and juice in the morning and then have large smoothies and a salad and then my cooked meal if I feel I need it (last night I made sweet potato fries with lemon pepper as a side dish OMG haha)-

Im learning to say no to rugs all the time now. PAce myself with my stresses and my energy and get back to filling my body with nutrition.

 

[theslowesthand]

Have you heard that humans need 60 essential nutrients in order to be at optimal health, and processed foods, even much raw food, is lacking in all those nutrients. That's why this guy incorporates superfoods into his dietary system.

 

[grapevine]

haha - yes - def

I used to watch a guy called David Wolfe back in 07 and got carried away and bought all his books lol. He was the guy that brought forward Gogi berries and Acia and Maca ..etc things like that.

Ive got a whole cupboard full of superfoods and vitamin minerals and herbs lol. I take furic acid and minerals all the time tho and it makes a difference - I even use it on my skin haha.

 

[grapevine]

Seriously rugs is nuts. Insane. literally.

I dont take on his stuff anymore. I dont make it my thing. He is all over the place and like a little kid.

There is no values or goals. Just like a little kid doing a few same things every day that are toxic.

Selfies, Instagram, facebook. pacing. changing a few things in his room. Waiting for me to finish work at the end of the day. Unable to initiate anything really in his day. Kinda like a vegetable. And yet even when he comes over to see me he cannot even interact with me, he usually stays 10 minutes or so and then leaves. And I end up feeling disappointed and empty and distressed each time.

His life is filled with thinking no one is better than him. My dad commented this morning and said he comes over but doesnt interact - its like he is here for me to honour or envy him or something lol.

Thats pretty much his mindset - he loves himself so much that noone else is better and Im just a thing that he thinks is better than other girls because I have a heart and stuff like that.. when most girls do lol

When we went to the beach yesterday on a short road trip. I asked him to make sure he had he lunch before coming over. He rocks up with an iced coffee and pizza shapes. I assumed he'd had lunch. He gets inside and takes like about 4 mandarines and an orange off mum's fruitbowl to take with him without asking - (mum only had that many mandarines and was saving them for the grandkids- shes on a budget). Anyway, we get to the beach and hes eaten all his food and I get out my salad to eat I took with me. And he asks me if I have any food because he is hungry. I ask him if he had any lunch and he tells me no.
I supplied him with an extra water bottle. But I wasnt going to be responsible for him anymore. I didnt pack anything for him.

Thats waht I mean- he is like a child- Ive had to do everything for him. He cant even think about BASIC repsonsibilities.

He wanted me to buy him an ice coffee the other day and I said no. He had like 50 cents to give me for change towards it. Ive always bought him all these things. NOw I dont. He never buys me anything. He cant even afford it.

When he is supposed to pay me back so many times and never has - but yet will tell me about his budget and how he is paying back this person and this person- yet I am never included in it. He owes me $100 for the concert at the start of the year. He owes me from the other week and for so many times.

He gets away with so much. But Ive put my foot down because as Ive been home 99 percent of the time now- Ive been able to reflect and see his behaviour - Ive had time to see now and man I cant believe how selfish he is and that he just see himself first. He cant help.

Its completely disrespectful to me. If he is supposed to love me and care- than he would know that he has used me for money and gotten away with it - even if it were unintentional if that makes sense and he would know to pay me back.

He would also care when I told him how distressed I got seeing his Instagram posts all the time and how it would make me stressed out and cry for like an hour. And why they are so distressing.

If he cared he wouldnt increase the amount of posts he has put on there since then. Put more and more selfies like some nut who does it all day.

Also if he cared he wouldve taken note what I had said to him about goals and a future and what I want in my future.

He cant connect the dots. He seems to think that were going to have kids and a house and a block of land together. All from him being on the disability pension he is yet to call his dr for a double appointment for that.

Anyways - Ive been so emotionally detatched from him and its mind blowing what I see in his behvaour truely.

 

[theslowesthand]

Well, one thing i can say with certainty, is that it's been one heck of a trip for you this past year!

 

[grapevine]

Well, one thing i can say with certainty, is that it's been one heck of a trip for you this past year!

Thats an understatement lol.

Gosh he just makes me soo angry. In the mornings as Ive been spend most of my time at home now and not staying over his place anymore. I go on his Instagram account to see what hes been up to because he goes to bed no kidding at 7:30 - so gets up quite early.

And I find all these posts that make me have an arguement in my head to him- trying to find the words of how it makes me feel and how retarded he is lol.

Its just selfie after selfie. He becomes pre-occupied with trying to break the internet - he calls it sometimes - or being dominant and cocky by being a real idiot on there. Despite m telling him it really distressed me and I cry for an hour sometimes because its very confronting how bad he is in his mind.

This conversation I really feel like being nasty to him and telling him what I think as any other way doesnt get through.

He is spending all days uploading to Instagram and then writing weird stuff - being amusing to himself - and immature writing silly word plays about bums and willies and things like that. Also about how he thinks people are spying on him on this page - his inckling. And then on about how people dont have the guts to tell him hes a 20-year professional heavy metal guitarist - as theyve apparently all seen him on facebook and his gtar videos yet still ask him what hes up to in person. Then he goes on about how its just an internet page and to calm down.

Nearly everything he goes on about others- in reality, is about him and his situation - yet he cannot see that lol.

Meanwhile - his fish are once again swimming in brown water- where the other day I was over for 20 minutes and stuck a note on the tank to clean the filter - put new water in etc..

Theres loads of things - basic responsibilities that he just doesnt bother to do or forgets - or is just in his whirlwind mind.
He is so used to everyone doing everything for him and giving to him.

Literally- he is like a little kid as he likes his toys and lollies and having no goals or responsibilities and just going with how he feels each day.

There is no self-respect with him. So I cannot respect him.

And he such provokes himself online like a sitting duck waiting for someone to really show him his reality he cant see that - Ive even told him that - to be careful.

The most embarrassing thing is that he uses his own name- like full name on his Instagram and does all this really nutty excessive stuff- that anyone who knew him or know of him - if they were to look that up would be distressed like me. And then it all comes down to me - because why the hell would anyone go out with someone like that ? That has absolutely no self respect, no life...
and obv no respect for me either.

God - it just makes me so angry. And yet he thinks everything is fine - he doesnt interact with me- just wants to be around me- and me think of things to take him and out all the time.

Ive kept my bday quiet. Im not reminding him of it and I told mum not to either. My bday is in November. I got him a phone for his bday- an old iphone - but it was still $$ for a present for him like $300. Now he uses that phone everyday and night. I had to buy him a new lightening cord as he was still using his old phone to take photos and videos and I was like... you can just upload your photos on the new phone.. and he kept going on about how he needed a new cord - so after many months - I just ended up buying him one because he cant even buy one himself.

He cant pay me back $100 from the start of this year. He orignally said he would budget paying me 20s. Fast forward to the other week and he pays $100 for his friend coming from the city to get him drugs together.( which by the way is a huge nope to me about him - it sealed the deal about not being my partner soon).

How much can a woman take ? Like to be like this - and think he is one othe bet boyfriends and stuff. I mean - yeah he does care in his own way and does do things for me. But he always is all about himself and totally retarded.

It becomes such a distress.

 

[Hot_Tamale]

How do you think he would react by reading this thread? Would it be easier for you than by speaking to him in person what you're going through? Just a suggestion.

 

[theslowesthand]

How do you think he would react by reading this thread? Would it be easier for you than by speaking to him in person what you're going through? Just a suggestion.

I have a feeling he'd react as he did when grpevine gave him a letter she wrote. He got all defensive, denying, etc, etc (if i recall correctly) :question:

 

[Hot_Tamale]

I have a feeling he'd react as he did when grpevine gave him a letter she wrote. He got all defensive, denying, etc, etc (if i recall correctly) :question:

Oh I had no idea of that, my suggestion was premature I take it.

 

[theslowesthand]

Oh I had no idea of that, my suggestion was premature I take it.

It's still an alright suggestion, but i just have an inkling of how he would react to it - in his usual obsessive/denying/disagreeing/etc way. But i could be wrong. We'll wait and see what grapevine thinks about the idea.

 

[grapevine]

hi guys : )

Yeah- well first off - he wouldn't have the concentration to read it lol. He wouldn't be bothered. I could have it out in front of him and he wouldn't care. He is off in his delusions.

Yet if I were to coax him to read it I would have to sell it to him that its all about him and bad stuff. And then he would read bits of it.

And then he would prob feel sick and think Im all making it up - putting things out of context and so on. Tell me how good a bf he is and im lucky to have him prob and prob be silent for a day.

Something like that.

But of course, I already feel tremendously guilty for writing my frustrations on here in such a negative manner. But I do it because its really unhealthy to keep repressed frustration and anger in and also I just cant believe most - all the things he does. Like I said to someone the other day in regards to something else.. 'Your eyebrows can only be raised so far' lol..

I don't think I could ever show him. I know what its like to have a person you think is your partner have alot of negative thoguhts on who you are and whats wrong with you- and I carried those things for a long time - made me very crippled and at one point I was in a very bad place.

I just want the best for him. I wish he could see what I see - from my point of view. Hes been quite depressed since Ive pulled waaaay back. Saying no all the time - spending time at home away from him for weeks now like I always wanted to. It gives him time to see his patterns in his day-to-day living and how ill he really is. I feel its showing on him.

I was a big thing in his life - the one that took him out of just sitting and doing nothing. Whats frustrating is that he cant be independent and do his own things much when there is noone around to construct his day for him.

He gets very ill. And I feel like helping but when I help its constant and not acknowledged much. And its compromising of me and my own life and lifestyle.

If I tell him I dont want to be with him- he will get upset in his own way and ask me questions and he would get even more ill. I feel like I just want to help him get some structure I guess in his life before I depart. Some support and disability pension. Get him out of the downward spiral he is in.

I mean he lives with his mum and his sister. They are both quiet mentally ill at the moment too. The mother has lost a lot of weight and in a kind of almost nervous break down since the father had a massive heart attack at home and died back in July. She still has to work and pay all the bills. And then the sister - who is slightly younger than rugs- is also a schizophrenic but not completely diagnosed yet due to silly psychiatrists. She talks dramatically to people that arent there and has anger issues and always goes on about one thing from her past that never happened- like it just happened. Now she is really depressed too - she quit her paid job at Salvation Army 5 months ago ( a job she had held for some time) because she felt she was too pressured to be non- physchotic and was living a lie.

So Rugs has a very depressive household at the moment and no-one is getting help much from anyone. The mother gets support from friends and a conselour and so on and the sister sees therapists etc. But there is noone to really be in charge of the situation that the mother has in front of her. I feel really bad for her having to deal with them two that literally cant do much of anything and have lost values due to their illnesses.

Thats why I think if I can rugs on the disability pension - i mean if he cant get that noone can lol - That what will follow is some support and structure for him. It will be recognised by the system that he has a severe mental illness and things will fall in place a bit more.

Lately he has been acting really childish when he doesnt get his way. Like this afternoon, Im home and completely exauahsted from work. I need a big rest and I told him that. Because every Friday if I went over his place I was completely burning myself out - going beyond what i had in the tank so to speak. Plus all the stress and emotions when your with someone like him and witnessing his behaviour and lack of. Not to mention having to clean up all his tobacco leaves.
I realise if I dont want to be bedridden for a few days- I have to stand my ground and rest. Even if he makes me feel guilty and goes to bed at 6:30 because I didnt want him over.
Getting all depressed.

He is a 33 year old man. He should be thinking about my welfare. Seeing im his partner.

Anyway. Yeah - showing him this and he were to actually read it - would be a little scarey and something thatcould hurt. And you never know what someone in who could become psychotic - what they could do and remember. So I need to think about those things.

I read every now and then on this family section on this schizophrenia forum- were I read about mothers having to deal with their sons ljust like Rugs - so it shows its his illness and not just me at least.

 

[grapevine]

rugs life is so empty. There are no goals, no structure, no intentions, nothing like that.
And when I have so many things in my week I like to do myself- gardening, making lucky dips for work, cleaning and my own time and self care- what I hate is he is on the other end of that feeling annoyed or depressed because Im not spending alot of time with him anymore.

I mean Id tell him about it not too long ago- where I never spent anytime at home - really out of obligation to him - for over a year I was living life for him. And putting all my things last on my priority list. Even at xmas eve I ended up staying over his place and unwrapping presents with the family when I really wanted to be with my family and I felt horrible to my parents and I missed out. I mean I did go home that day - but it wasnt the same. He turned up of course and interfered with my family time- even tho I had just seen him an hour ago.This xmas I am spending it with my family and hes already asked me to be with his family for xmas and I dont want to. Thier lifestyle and values are not the same as mine and I dont belong there you know.

Its not my fault that he has a lonely life. That he cant basically fill his life himself with things to do - other than to what he calls 'clean' his room and hang out in his room going on the internet and trolling and uploading selfies and things all day, sleep all day or listening to music. He waits to be able to do something with me like a dog thats been wating all day for its owner to come home and take him for a walk.

Why cant he know that Im not his answer. That he needs to bother about taking care of his life. And that he is quite mentally ill.

He doesnt realise he is putting all his expectations onto me to fix his days to turn them into something to do. Whilst not giving anything to me. So Ill give all this energy to him- Ill be happy and talkative and try to forget all these issues and concentrate on having a good day and take him out and try to do something together. All that energy. And he usually is completely unable to mirror me in that way much. He cant give to me with energy and take me out and that sort of thing. So its always one sided. Even basic needs in even a friendship with him leave me in disappointment. Its also like I let him subconsciously get away with alot of walking over me that he doesnt seem to care if he doesnt fill my needs- its just all about him and in the moment of how he feels.

He doesnt ralise what Ive been through with him.

And I really want him to see it. But I dont know how.

Thing is - its like a huge elephant in the room - where its so obvious that he has treated me disrespectfully in regards to money and unknowledgeably using me. And that I am despite my anxiety and social issues are healthy mindfully and he is quite ill and unhealthy.

And it makes me feel so uncomfortable because its striking how sad a place he is - its so pitiful.

 

[theslowesthand]

He maybe attracted to you for things that he needs/wants in his life? i wonder if he ralizes that he "needs" you, or if he simply feels that need but never thinks about it consciuosly? Who knows? Do you know?

 

[grapevine]

Okay I stayed over last night at his place. Something I haven't done in a while and something that on my terms it was something that lit him up.

I realise that my negativity towards him from all of this (and it is expected and normal considering his unableness due to his illness) no matter how much I dont show it to him- is still shown and has taken a toll on him as much as on myself.

I think he is clinging onto me hoping Im still with him and yet deep down knowing but not wanting to admit that Im not and that its all just a silly fear. The fear that Im leaving him.

So I think that is my biggest thing that is stopping me from exiting this relationship is hurting him- but im doing that already. Yet its something I am not sure how to tell him. Im thinking of going the route after xmas and by focusing on my illness and how I just cannot cope with being in a relationship- due to my anxieties - because that is partly true- but mainly because of dealing with my stuff and his schizophrenia is a big ask of me (not that I would tell him that- or maybe I would idk). I dont want to really destroy his feelings.

I just want to be friends over time. Tell him Im not ready for a relationship and just want to work on myself- because that is the truth. But I dont know how to go about this and the huge fear in me is feeling so upset because of thinking and seeing him all depressed and sad all because of me.

 

[grapevine]

He maybe attracted to you for things that he needs/wants in his life? i wonder if he ralizes that he "needs" you, or if he simply feels that need but never thinks about it consciuosly? Who knows? Do you know?

Oh definitely. He needs so many things and wants things but I'm not sure if he is 100 % conscious of it like you mention.

I mean, just the fact that he has a girlfriend is a big thing for him I think - like it has been for me having a bf. Just to have someone care about you and you know a girl to sit close and watch films with- I guess like most guys would like. Im like the person that can lift him out of his demise alot. I mean, he looks forward to seeing his friend too when ever he comes down. He gets really lonely even tho he is more social than me and can go around to people's places (all his friends are drug addict drop kicks in their 30s-50s - people I would never hang out with). So he has had alot of selfish people in his life - hence why its rubbed off on him I guess.

Not that he doesnt do things for me. He just most of the time is all too consumed with his mindframes to even consider others. Well, in other words he takes time to be conscious of it. Its just the way he is. And he can be really good with it for a while and then, really bad when he is in a bad way. He turns up and becomes slightly considerate. But then again, can become inconsiderate too by no intention- is like a vegetable to others and unable to give but lively in his own head and mind frame.

So - you know I realise that my mindframe - having anxiety can really intensify my negative feelings and make me ill really and it can take some time for me to be able to get through that. So I try to be mindful of that. The frustrations are all very present when they are there.

So Im thinking after xmas. Somehow work out something not so dramatic but understanding. Ill have the time to work something out with my therapist and perhaps on here I guess. Where things will take me.

 

[theslowesthand]

This might interest you (tho it's for couples in general, not couples with pscholgical disorders): 3 Signs You’re in a Bad Relationship