Okay so I got stressed out today. Like the other days - but by the second day of work in the week and Im already tired and stressed and its just such a stretch to have to deal with the business I work with as they basically have no input into managing the place so its all about using all of your own powers to do everything there with nothing if that makes sense. If my coworker who had to leave at 2:00 (which is the time I am supposed to but spend the whole day instead in overtime just to be on top of everything) - if she didnt ring up the office to ask for someone else to come in and help serve - (which they had to scramble to find someone) - I would be left in the shop for 3-4 hours all on my own having to multi task and serve people. Its not right. I mean, requirements with me anyway is that I only serve for up to an hour - otherwise is just too much anxiety for me. Thank god my coworker who has Aspergers and is really nice to work with rang up whilst I forgot to and someone stepped in to help. But the fact that it takes us to have to do that everytime. There is just no one really running this shop - the managers just dont bother and it sux.
Anyway I wanted to put this here:
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These are the type of posts that I have to deal with all the time. First it was FB and now hes addicted to Instagram. I have gotten so stressed out about it. There is something in you when you are dating someone like this. It makes you feel so strained and ill inside. Makes you feel so frustrated and aggressive and want to slap him in the face and mock him. Its disrespectful to himself and to me and its ill. And he is ill and cannot see it.
These are not aimed at me though btw. They are aimed at people that arent there.
I had a quick talk to him about it this afternoon online and putting words into his mouth I said is it just something to relieve your anger or whatever and outlet- and thats kinda what it is to him. But the thing is he is spending all his days on that most of the time. Minutes and hours.
Now I feel like I am wronged by him to be stressed by this. Its excessive and its really stressful to me. Its distressing. There are so many posts like this all the time in arrogance and narcisstic stuff (which is what he likes to indulge in) - he cant see how much it is a safety behaviour in a very childish manyor to have to put out there vile arrogant posts aimed at nobody but yet he is aiming at people - they he may think are watching him -- and he cant see how delusional that is.
As a partner of him and seeing this behaviour I am sure I have a warrant to be distressed and frustrated and upset and just really irritated, distressed right?
And when I mention it - last week or so I told him it really distressed me and I would cry over it alot because of how distressing it would get seeing it. But that made him even increase going on there for some reason. He jsut would tell me not to go on there and to block me. After trying to have a conversation to him about it - he says he wants to do something else now instead of type online lol. thats how rude it is and I get so irritated by his behaviour like that. I mean I have a reason to have concern and he needs to think about his actions and how much stress I can take with him being an idiot.
But I go on there and Ive explained this to him this afternoon online. That I I go there because most of the time he wont interact and talk to me - so going on there shows me what is on his mind and whats he up to etc..
And its all about delusions and paranoia and arrogance and delusions of grandeur. His cognitive abilities are so short-circuited it just gives me disbelief.
His behaviour online is excessive and obsessed with himself. Extremely obsessed. An implosion of him and his world. Like everything about him and around him is gold that he touches. Like he describes as his outlet for being cocky and narci. He doesnt seem to care how it makes me feel and I feel like looking at them gives me good fodder to break up with him down the track.
I dont want to go out with a guy like him that is far way down the track of nuts that I didnt know people were that far down the track that werent locked up to be honest.
Hes had the whole few days to clean his fish tanks as a fish died because his tanks were green and brown slime again. The other week he chose to buy drugs $100 worth ( And this is against my whole being of who I am- hes an idiot drug addict - ) because his friend was down and they always used to do that when they do their music. Instead of actually just buying like $14 or less of water for the fish- he spent that money on drugs. So a fish died. Also, he couldn't afford hardly anything for the entire week that week. Hes an idiot. And then, so he at least bought the water- but rather than do the fish asp- he decides hes got the music bug and goes and plays his guitar for half the day instead whilst doing his selfies for his Instagram.
Just basic responsibilities. Their filters need to be cleaned every week or few days really but he will never get to doing that.
Its takes him so long just to do one tiny task.
I jsut hate how he cannot see this and thinks he is incrediably smart and talented and so on.. when his family or me end up having to hold his hand for basic things.
this all just makes me incrediably sad and stuck in a situation where Im always on the fence. So much energy to just care for him and try to be in the same as him in this relationship - when Im the adult and he is the does whatever person.
Im having a whole weekend to myself at least. I plan and have made time for myself each morning and all days if I want to o do just my own things and self care and lift me up. But I hate how in the back of my mind is all the stress and ill feelings towards him and these behaviours.
Ive had long conversations (one sided on his side) for hours into the morning with him telling me all about his irriations with 'people' who want to be his friends online but arent good enough because of their photos or something. Or that 'people' in real life know that he is a 'really talented best in the state heavy metal guitarist' but wont tell it to his face- even though everybody goes onto his facebook pages and sees his videos.. according to him.
In these moments when he goes on, he can be incrediably passionate about his delusions that if I question them to him he gets quite defensive and tries to make me feel bad about myself by saying mean things lol. I end up sitting in disbelief and wanting to run a mile of how much physchopathic little streaks are in him when he displays moods like that- not towards me but towards his granduier and his thinking of paranoia and agression over people not being as good as him according to him. And that fact that he even mentions that he is a really busy man and doesnt have time for people... hahaha - I will say what do you do all day then..? And he doesnt have answer but he is just so stuck in a different world that how the hell am I supposed to twist my logical life to connect with him without this feeling of repel and distaste and more.
I am living in this situation I put myself in anyway. When I was obsessed with him back in the day a nearly 2 years ago now, all I knew was that he had schizophrenia was a bit funny but that was really nice to me and made me laugh and that online - he was weird and sexist with his pictures of women that made my bdd go crazy. All I wanted was for him to acknowledge me as attracive to him. Its silly, but the way he played me - was flirting and then not paying attention to me for months and then actually asking me over to his place and not really showing any sexual interest in me or anything like that but being very pollite. And then not bothering to interact with me at work for 5 months. How was I supposed to react to that? Even one time back then, one incident I remember- I was invited to this older people who volounteered at our work- to thier house for a luncheon. I got out of work quickly to go there that day as I knew rgus would be there and I wanted to impress him. We were the only 2 young people there. And we hardly talked. Except for that he didnt like my cookies I made for some reason. At the end of the lunch thing- I tried to hurry to catch up to him as we were leaving at the same time and he basically didnt say anything to me and I tried to talk to him. He just got in his car and drove away so rudely. It was very apparrent to me that he didnt want anything to do with me and didnt care about being rude or that he was not well. More apparrent that he just wanted to go. So that day everything after that was in such slow motion. I drove home in tears. I felt like absolutely nothing. I remember coming on here in this diary and writing about it. From that day on, I decided that he didnt deserve my attention and that I was better than him anyway. As I had intergrity and morals and even though he could make me by ignoring me and confusing me - make me feel like I was unattractive and unworhty - yet sometimes the opposite. I just didnt want to put up with it anymore. And now that Ive been going out with him for sometime now - I still remember that day. And I still feel in my heart and being that he does absolutely not deserve one bit of my attention. He doesnt desreve at all to be with me. And yet I still am there : /
I told him sometime ago about that day and he told me that he just wanted to get out from that day because he only relaly came for some food and the time to go by so that he could go later and get drugs with his friends. He used to go and do drugs every Friday apparrently which is now why I know why he acted wierd to me all the time. I even told him about how he would lfirt and then ignore and be rude and it really hurt and frustrated me- and he told me that it was because of the way I dressed apparrently- that I looked like a farm girl lol. I mea, what idiot would decide on someone based on thier clothing? The ay I dressed was basically casual fashion to what most girls wear these days - Id get my clothes from ASOS and be wearing crop shirts with black leggings and white converse shoes- Id wear old school 90s shirts and tuck them in my leggings - it was cool- lol so I dont know how he saw what he did/ I used to try so hard to be perfect each time I would go to work - so that perhaps just maybe he would notice me. And - he kind of started the whole thing anyway - as the way he is with people in his interaction is almost like hitting on people with charm and charisma - I didnt realise at the time that he does that with everyone- I thought it was just at me and flirting - anyone would have thought that. I mean I asked him if he did like me at work and he said he always hada thing for me- but he wanted me to look different.. dress different and wear my hair down and all that. Which I will not give him the pleasure of now btw lol. So I did pick up on that and it did give me so much bdd at the time.
Anyways- I know that lifting myself up like I did the other week by caring for myself and writing my goals and pursuing them is wht lifts me out of this messy victim mentality. There is always going to be frustration and anger with him from me so I just have to concentrate on my things. It does become apparrent though when I do that- its like Ive broken up with him on his end. But I tell him I need to concentrate on myself as im not well etc. But my theory in how I feel is that by really pursuing my goals and getting back into feeling good about myself - I can realise that I never needed him to do so in the first place and be able to stand on my own feet and have the courage to be able to eventually lovingly let him go.
