Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

Well feeling like Ive spun out.

Rugs was doing these series of courses with the tourist job on offer. He was in his 2nd week of doing all sorts of courses from fire safety to baristas to swimming safety. It was for this tourist marine park thing that is new in town and ready to start next month. There were 17 other people with him learning the ropes and he was it seemed* enjoying it. It gave him structure and purpose and got him out the house and around others- as he is a social person.
And it gave me time to myself each day too.

So it surprised me when he came up to my place around lunch time and told me that he had told the supervisor that he had schizophrenia and that his dad recently passed and that he couldn't do this anymore and left.

He was offered a job out of it. And I was feeling okay because I was around someone responsible for once.

And once again, I felt completely let down by him and having to deal with his irresponsibility/insecurity. And it sux.

I hate dealing with this. Because of my history of insecurity I seek a man with security, not insecurity.

And so I had to take him because he asked me to- to this job network place that spe******es in disability clients. As that was a place where I went when for some time and they really helped me get a job and pension etc.

Thing was he needs to be on a disability pension in order to be with them. And that has been the process he has been doing. But he takes ages to do things.

That is the thing with him. Like today I had to do the talking for him and listening etc.. Whilst he was looking all upset and angry with things and not there '' kinda thing. It was so much out of me to do that. I just feel so embarrassed and so overwhelmed. I dont want to be his carer.


And then, afterwards, he wanted to go for a drive to the next town to get his mind off things- which is about 30 mins away or more.

But he had told me that he had only $3 left in his bank account and that he was shocked because last time he looked it was $300.
He is only just starting to even be able to bank himself after his dad who controlled all his money recently past away.

But - then he says that he hardly has any petrol to even go to the next town - and no money- but he still has to go there because he wants to get his mind off of things.

That is what he is like all the time. And Im just so sick of it. I have my values and everything - you know- and he is just always being irresponsible and frivolous and cannot ever stick to anything.

I cannot stand being with someone that has no basic responsibilities - and acts so dysfunctional. It feels so reckless and disrespectful on so many levels.

His persona is mainly one where he is fine or quiet and in his mind- but yet then all silly like and acting like a 12 year old most of the time. And I mean that literally. Talking about poo and jokes and laughing all the time. Asking silly questions of what if this ... etc..
Acting immaturely and silly most of the time.

Then he acts delusional where he thinks that 'we' will be able to get a block of land when he gets a job- like thought that the job he was training for that he would be able to save up and get a block of land- bot realising that a block of land costs quite a lot of money. Like he just cant think that in depth. Everything that is responsible and in a goal - he basically is superficial in his thinking and delusional.

There is just so much dysfunction and the way he thinks. He always says that he doesnt agree with most of the things I talk about when we get into conversations about him and his stuff' when he goes on about his facebook deslusions and paranoia. I tell him like it is to me and he cant handle it.

When he gets into things about how he thinks about himself- and it may be delusional to me- I say to him that he should and most people should question their beliefs because of the obvious reasons. Yet he would say that was a coward's way to think. Which inside I thought was so sad and yet hilarious.

There is no thought throgh at all with him. Its just simplistic thinking all the time because of his illness.

I am just so sick of it all though.

 

[grapevine]

I feel like Ive been chewed and pulled apart and spat out and walked all over and then made to be like someone Im not and have no space.

 

[grapevine]

So today Rugs turns up at my place early in the morning- and Im waken up by him coming over- he had driven over - said hello and then drove back home.

I said to him that - as I felt obliged - that we could take the dog for a walk after lunch. So he returned after lunch. I said to him that I very much needed to do cleaning and clean my room and do lucky dips today and it was a priority and so after we had taken the dog for a walk (I drove my car to the beach and back with rugs and dog in tow) - he went home. He understood that I needed to get my things done and to stop putting him first for once.

So I thought. He turns up a few hours later- when Im in the thick of cleaning up and stuff everywhere. And just interferes. He wont be bothered to help me - even if I ask really. He just gets bored and lonely and has to get out of his place and turns up at mine - despite me wanting to have time to myself to do my things.
So I end up in a rush because he is there like he is waiting. And I hate it. I end up cleaning unthoroughly and doing a rush job because he is there.
Then its like tea time- he is there without any food once again. Not thinking it through. Lucky I bought him 99cent 2-minute noodles for him yesterday. He had that.
Then I have to rush to make my tea and eat fast because its like he is behind my back all the time.
I always have to go with him to the doctors. To get his Risperdal/anti psychotic jab. All Im doing is just waiting at the waiting room for over an hour each time. And I go with him each time - every fortnight.

So he was waiting on that. To get it over with. And I had to rush my time for him- even though we were early.

I wanted to do my lucky dips ( I have to do for work and have alot I need to get through). I told him that I would be doing that tonight. And he kept saying that he wanted to stay over - but I had to do that. So I told him - after a while - as I was exhausted from rushing cleaning my room because he was there- that I felt like doing it tomorrow morning instead. And that he could stay over and like he wanted - watch something on Netflix on my Macbook..

So then, I feel like- okay we will do this then- maybe I will enjoy his company then and can watch something with him.

But no...

He ignores me talking to him and asking him what we should watch. And then he gets into my bed and then decides he wants to go home because he is too tired to watch anything. And then leaves.

Then I am left with my time rushed - and once again out-doing myself for him - and him not giving a crap about my time and only thinking about himself and not being able to stick to any decision he makes with his time. It makes me so upset. I feel like Ive gone out of my way- he doesnt give a crap.

Its like the other day. I said I wanted to do gardening. I needed to plant some plants that had been in pots for ages. Its needs to be done. And I love my gardening. But I never get to do it because he always interferes.

He would ring up and come over - once he has his shower in the morning and does his hair- he wants to go out somewhere. He has no plans and turns to me to answer him for some. He wants to look in shops (thrift shops) when he doesnt even have money. He wants me to take him when he doesnt have any petrol much. Even though - I dont even want to go. I end up going to look in shops when Im not interested in doing that - but feel obliged and just trying to get it out the way - to make him happy. We go into these shops - he goes in each one for about a minute and is not interested - where as I find some things (books) and looking at them - and he is waiting outside for me all bored and agitated. So I have to hurry up.
When I didnt even want to be there in the first place- its on his idea to go.

And then we go to my place - and he goes home. And its another day wasted where I dont get to do my things. Even when I put my foot down - Im still time pressured by him as hell still come out to see me- and then just hang around and be on my case and be bored and its up to me to try to find something for him to do together- even when Im compromising my stuff.

Its not fair. It makes me cry. And 99 percent of the time- Im the one trying to make conversation- trying to get something out of it.

Its just so hard. I give and give and give and I just dont get back and each time it just really hurts.



S

 

[grapevine]

i hate getting left - ive done beyond beyond for him and then he is fine to just not do simple things a bf would do : /

So much disappointment. It makes me feel internalizing it. I feel so stepped on and like nothing. I mean, he is all lovey and stuff in idea - but then when it comes reality with me- ive been closer to strangers than to him. There is not sufficient enough time and energy from him to me - giving your full attention to someone and not getting it back in return. When your in a relationship- its a dance - you give and then they give - that sort of thing. He jsut kinda is all about himself. Hell do things - but its not the same. He doesnt deserve me.

it makes you feel so disappointed and frustrated

 

[grapevine]

Hes a looser. Hes unwell and he is dysfunctional. He cant give me needs that I need. Yet his father passed recently and he is company and I like to feel like I belong. That feeling of being liked and loved is rare from a guy for me. Thats why I stay.

But its doing huge things to my life that hurt me. I really dont like myself right now.

I hope that I can pursue my goals again. Im onto them, but I have these things that get in the way- mainly I think about him and his lifestyle and stuff and it does not go together.

He is like he just has no life skills to make himself happy.

He told me this morning that he was going off Facebook (and he does this all the time) because his page is so much cooler and giving himself away so much with all the cool things he does (??) and when he looks at strangers pages (thousands all the time like an OCD) they don't do the same and it makes him angry all the time that he has to deactivate. He thinks he should win an award for best Facebook page literally.
His pages are weird and disturbing with lots of selfies and then pictures of paths that we go on walks on. Of course, he has his guitar playing - but what he goes on about his page being so awesome is all in his head.
When he does things - he has a glorified ego of himself. He thinks he is so awesome in so many things. Like when he used to play basketball years ago- he thinks he was like a short Michael Jordan. Literally.

I'm just so sick of delusions. There's nothing I can do to. I end up breaking him and I can never make him think otherwise.

Yet he is going around with all this stuff in his mind. And what does that say about me? Lately, he has been depressed as the realisation sets in of his father's death in June. But, he is not working or doing anything. His sister is the same. She is a few years younger and has schizophrenia too.

He gets the dole and is learning about using his own money for once as his father used to take it and control it for him all the time. Which sucked at the beginning of going out with him because of me paying for everything and basically burnt a huge hole in my finances and dragged myself along the ground and felt used then by ignorance and self-importance of his own. His dad would give him $20 every few days back then. That was it.

Now though, he has his money go into his account since his dad passed. Yet his skills in money are really bad. For the small amount he gets - he likes to be mindless with it. He has not very many things he occupies his time with.
what he calls ' cleaning his room' - which is not that great in cleaning. Then, when he wants to go out - he goes to the small towns close by and looks in at all the 2nd hand shops. He does that most days per week. Esp his sister who won't drive due to panic attacks. And its crazy really - going 40 mins to these towns to look in the same shops over and over again- nothing changes.

Him and his sister cannot do anything new. They dont see going to the same things - the same shops as a means for something to do all the time as something dysfunctional. They dont dont really go anywhere else. Well he goes for walks with me. And thats about it.
Ive taken him to places - or he has drove me with my indications to places - new and far. And Ive stopped that now - as i was trying to always get a reaction out of him - find something to make him come alive and enjoy something together- but it would just end up with me going over board all the time like I was some tourist guide or something. Giving and giving. And hi not seeing much of anything wrong with that.

He just goes home to clean'. Or goes on Fab or Youtube. He has a youtube channel which has his guitar stuff on there but also really immature videos where he is being really really kinda sickly immature and silly in them and he thinks they are really great. He says that his views are clocking up to 1000 - but in reality - because he sits there a lot and watching himself over and over - it's from mainly him I would think.

He is going around unable to structure anything. He cannot plan his day at all really. When he wakes up he makes decisions and doesn't stick to them. He will ring me up to see if I'm doing anything. And I will say I would like to go for a walk somewhere ( it's my thing-health) and he comes over and then decides he doesn't want to go for a walk. He is basically expected to change his mind on things every single day. And he has no energy to even do things.

I mean, he tries. And he gets happy and we go for walks. He takes me to 2nd hand shops. But there is nothing else.

He cant do anything else. Ill go over to his place and it will be a mess with tobacco leaves everywhere. It doesnt look that bad - but there are smells and just leaves everywhere. So I end up cleaning it up. And then not expecting much at all from him.
I mean there are things he does provide for me. But they are not much to me.

He is like a washed up person. no regard for his health and always either really immature and silly, or talkign about himself egotistically or being paranoid and aggressive of online stuff that seems completely delusional and erratic.

No wonder why Ive been binge eating lately and hate the way I look. lol.

I got in his car today and it was all tobacco leaves everywhere with a strong tobacco smell. Then I cleaned out the back seat whilst he was at the petrol station. There was weeks and weeks of old food and milk carton drinks.. he goes to the trouble of going to the drive through to clean inside and outside of his car and yet then trashes it. Its a new car won by his mother from a puzzle magazine. His sister owns it but wont drive due to panic attacks.

What I hate is that he is going around frivoulosly with no goals or responsibilities in his daily life and not seeing anything wrong with that. Not seeing that its disrespectful to himself, to me and to his family.

He needs goals and structure. He cant see that - and even though he gets depressed because there is nothing for him to do - to get what ever he feels he needs. He is trying to get happniess and other things from going out and spending money all the time ( something he doesnt have and cant afford is to spend) on junkfood and things he doesnt need like cheap little ornaments from second hand stores. Which he has loads of. He jsut wants to spend on anything - nothing particualar and on junk food.

I come from a family that has had to budget most of their life. Its allowed us to be able to live on 5 acres of land and pay off the house and have a nice view and animals. I have times like lately too- where I spend things I shouldnt and too much of my savings. But I realise Im doing it and know Ive been there before and find motivtation in me to concentrate on what I really want rather then spend on things I dont really need.
I just hope he can see somewhere down the track that those things he is doing are not fulfilling him at all - and he knows that - but he has no skills or knowledge to even really consciously see it.

And its more apparent when I let him do things and be the intiator as he has problems with it. He just does the same things over and over and doesnt find the joy in it.

I just feel like I dont get anything from him much at all. He stands for everything that Im not. To be in a car with him and have that strong hairspray smell, watch him guzzel down cartons of iced coffee and stink of cigarettes and tobacco leaves everywhere, and act immature and have 10 year old conversations, have undecided ideas what to do for the day.., be reckless/ clueless with time and responsibilities, spend money on things that are crap and aren't needed when he has no money, eat junk food and lollies all the time and litter the car.

So he goes against my values and my lifestyle and is actually literally toxic. I don't feel romantic except that I like the attention from a man and his loyalty and can be very nice to me. Despite all those other things. But in retrospect, he is a lonely and mentally ill man that cant seem to look after himself.

It's just so tragic- that he hasn't much and I just have never had to break up before. I've been asexual most of my life and considerably overweight too- only have sexual abuse within two different times in my life as a young teen and then in my early twenties and emotional abuse too from one of them- Id became safe and lived a life of food addictions and shame and stayed away from any men as I was scared of them. I thought that I would never be that for someone.

So you know, then I go and loose all the weight and get on a roll to where I always wanted to go and became raw vegan rather than fat unhealthy vegan. I got into self care and then he came along. For the first time, I was wanted as a female and put myself out there. But now its all gone heywire because he is not well and its making me go off and want to eat junk food like I used to. And Ive put on wieght and begining to not want to go out again and getting depressed again.

Im scared that this hunger is so strong that I want to scoff down certain foods all the time. Its so frustrating being in the middle of him and my mum/dad. Where they can see how dysfunctional and unwell he is - even though he is a nice man. Where my mum tells me to get away from him as he is nuts and like a little kid and cant realise why Im still with him - when I need to tell her about his ways of things that frustrate me. Then, on the other end is me hanging out with him, and he thinks my family are happy for me Im with him and that we are going to have kids and marry and get a property somewhere ( which he would never ever be able to do Im sure), and where he thinks we are equals in what we do for each other and make a good team and having to deal with his lifetyle choices that ruin my own values and health. Not being me.

And its such a huge thing. Its so much energy. I just end up exahausted from the anguish all the time now. But yet, im not ready still to give up because Im only social with him and its a friend that I have that I can just be low key and stuff and he can be very nice. Its nice to feel wanted.

I feel like I just want to spend more and more time with myself trying to do that more and more now. And what happens is interesting because if I want to work on trying to forfil my own things- and just kinda giving up from trying to make him happy and do things for him- he is left to initiate and turns out that he really can only do the same things over and over - go to the same places for no specific reason. And there is just no responsibility or anything other than frivolous really.

And that is not one of my values.

I jsut fear now, that I have this huge hunger and things just feel so anguished and frustrating that I want to go and eat junk and end up putting on weight and far from that raw vegan gal that felt amazing last year and was for once in the lifestyle and in the body she wanted. I didnt eat any processed foods then. But being with him made me get there again and it sux. I feel like nothing - I find it hard to look after myself because of all these feelings all the time from disappointment to frustration to resenement to guilty and feeling bad.


I dont want to get all fat again and reverse all my good work I did on myself before. I just cant seem to stop wanting to go out and buy health junk food.

 

[theslowesthand]

I looked up schizophrenia, and the symptoms match what rugs has - that is, it's perfectly normal for sby with schizophrenia to be like that. And i don't know if edication can help, maybe it can only lessen the severity somewhat, of the symptoms?

He he, i haven't even got schizophrenia, but i certainly share a few symptoms in common with rugs

 

[theslowesthand]

 

[grapevine]

Yeah - exactly. He is a very nice and loyal man. Its unfortunate that he has mental health issues that are quite severe and that he can be unaware of.

I have always felt like my own journey from my past was really good lessons on how to change your mindset and so on. And have felt like I could be there for others personally because Ive been there at my worst. I know what its like.

I haven't been in psychosis- but I've had depression and agoraphobia and things like that. And Ive come so far from those days.

So when I see that Rugs has no real coping strategies and that he is basically lost in the system. And that his cognitive skills are very limited. Its like I have to do something. I have to fix things. And that is where my troubles begin. People pleasing and trying to change others.. its not really well thought out.

Today Rugs has been very depressed and the past few days. Like sleeping way more than 16 hours every day. I know that's a sign of depression.

Last night I was watching a lot of Youtube videos on Schizophrenia and the uncommon symptoms like severe memory loss, severe loss of concentration, severe inattention to others, severe lack of motivation, delusions, paranoia, delusions of grandeur, depression, lack of emotions...

I already knew/learnt about these things- but just to watch people with the illness explain what it was like and also to have a person explain how to respond to someone with a delusion was very helpful.

But it's a lot on my part and unfortunately, he can't see that- he is unable to really see his dysfunctions because that is how he copes. A few times I have questioned and opinionated my thoughts on his delusions. Which came back with full on saying some hurtful things back to me straight up. As I watched last night on Youtube, a clinical psychologist said that its the frontal lobe area that just wants believe anything other than their delusion. They think that it is fact despite overwhelming evidence against it and that you could argue all day and they still would believe their delusion. He said that the only way is to neutrally/friendly question their delusion like you're interested and that it may force them to question it.

But it truly makes you just feel like crumbling down and wrapping yourself in cotton wool when you see someone who is your partner talk about his delusions like they are real all the time. Its like a feeling of wanting to run to the woods- to repel against him - so many things that make me repel- and yet he needs help. And then after a while when I settle- the gravity of emotions seem not as bad and that everything is alright and hes just friendly.. and then this cycle again. I dont think Im making much sense here - but my automatic writing is doing its thing.

He is all about Facebook. So that is his delusional world - that and also thinking himself of deep importance with a lot of arrogance. To sit there and hear him - sometimes once a month- endlessly talk about himself through the wee hours of the night, and not be able to get one word in. He thinks that he is a top heavy metal guitarist and that he is going to be famous soon with his friend in the band and that a producer is going to discover him, its only a matter of time. He says he is one of the best heavy metal guitarists in the state. His argue to that is that he looks up millions of random people on facebook and knows everyone apparrently.

When I saw him this morning - he said that he feels funny because he quit Facebook. He said - as he puts it 'I've been doing it for 7 years now... that's a long time on Facebook and I'm an expert on it'.. something like that. He seems to think that Facebook is a literally a job that you sit down and 'work' on your page. He thinks his Facebook page was so much better than everyone else and that he should have a gold standard or something because he puts himself out there. So his anger comes from him looking up all of these people every day- just typing in random names or people from certain areas and seeing what they do on their pages and seeing that they haven't given as much of themselves away like he has (?) on their page or don't have as cool (?) of page as his - so he gets really angry about it.
Facebook isn't about some leisurely thing for him- like most people use it.

And I just feel like yelling my opinions at him- that HELLO YOUR DELUSIONAL!!! YOUR NUTS !!! DONT YOU REALISE THIS???!!

I feel like saying to him how it makes me feel because it just makes me feel like running for junkfood ravenously - something that I fought really hard over a few years to finally resolve emotional eating. So it sux.

But having someone that is supposed to be your partner- and he is nuts -makes you feel so stressed out. Just want to shake him and make him realise - you know show what most people's views are and how he isnt this glorified person that he thinks he is. There is something about arrogance in people that makes you want to rebel to them. God - I go round with passive aggressiveness because of that.

He is all depressed and mooping at home- doing his thing of 'cleaning' which is not actually cleaning most of the time. He has no life and Im not going to continue to make effort on his part all the time. In conversation, in everything. Im one of those people that think I can fix anything and motivated by tough situations. Its not something that is positive all the time as it can make me loose myself in the process.

 

[grapevine]

So the last few days he had been quiet, and almost autistic. Unable to laugh or take interest in things. The usual roundabout. Yet he made that big decision of his to go off Facebook. Meaning that the things that go on in his mind that create stress and abnormal thoughts and aggression cease. He can't use Facebook as a normal thing. He is dysfunctional without really knowing how odd and severe it is because he has delusions and paranoia within the social media outlet.

Anyway he said he is relieved that he is not on there anymore. But its created a huge spare time for him. That he had spend sleeping alot. And I mean ALOT. And then not really wanting to spend time with me and for once doing his own things without asking me over or coming over. I thought he was depressed. Turns out - he was severely cleaning his room bit by bit- going through his cupboards and drawers etc. But like an autistic person.

That is the thing I hate- there is never any reaction from him of surprise or real acknowledgement of things that perhaps I want from him. I like to get all excited and try to surporise him ( and I do this with people) things they like and go out of my way- hoping to make their day- and yet with him he may really like what Ive done- but for one second and thats it. Or just come to accept things like that. Where he is busy in his own world and Im busy trying to get reaction and life into him that I never can.

the other night- after a long day at work where I even told him my body was aching so much and I literally felt like I was dragged on the floor. I was so exahausted. Lately I get like that from all the stress and unconcious body anxiety- holding my muscles and breath etc.

Anyway he had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to come over to his place for the night again. Ive spent almost over a year of staying over his place - even in working days. I feel obliged to say yes when he asks me. It takes assertive courage and me thinking Im hurting feelings if I say no. But I do say no and he says thats fine. But when I ask him if he would like to come over for a visit that evening because I had got things for him from work and really wanting to give them to him-(but too exahusted to drive anywhere like to his) his answer was no he felt kind of sluggish to come over - he had basically slept all day.. and its like- he just asked me if I would like to go over to his - despite me telling him I was so exausted and physically in pain.. and tired. So many times I have overrided those things to make it to his and basically crawl to his place. Just because he asked me. Feeling completely burnt out. And yet- he feels sluggish'.
I go too far. And Ive been too far - to the point where I am so numb now. Just to listen to music I used to listen to- slow music - that I listen to for years that really helped me relax and make me feel nurtured and that I loved- now seems too slow and I find it hard to relax. Its like Im on auto-pilot where all I think about is doing things for him or something and forgetting who I am and what I like.

I feel like a huge wall is stopping me from being me.

But now I am doing only as much as him and trying to care for my own self and things. Whilst he is giving me the space to do so. But its like I have to re-program myself everytime Im home to find what I like again and how to enjoy my own company and love myself again. And its hard. The reason being is because I put so much effort and hold simple expectations
of Rugs that I always override my things for those things - and being obliged to him - that I end up in his world and ending up not being able to rely on him ever for getting satisfaction from those simple expectations- so I feel really disappointed and empty and depressed/upset and it makes me feel worthless - that I am throwing myself around like that to a nutcase that cannot give me basic needs that I personally crave despite giving it his best and all. And I get so torn. Like this huge big grey cloud tearing me apart.

I just want to be able to 'feel' again. And work on myself again and have that distance and find myself again.

Instead, I end up feeling lost and empty and hurt and confused. It's a big roundabout with him all the time. He is multiple personalities. there's the serious - try hard to be responsible yet autistic and cannot laugh or be interested in you, then there's the clown that acts so immature it's sickly - with poo humour and play on words like a 4-year-old, and then there is the egotistic delusions of grandeur where he can go on about himself with such arrogance with added agressiveness towards 'people' out there he doesnt know.., then theres the lovey-dovey- sickly guy that focuses on me and just has no responsibility for himself - just turns up at my place and expects me to be able to find things for us to do - has no food with him etc and turns up at odd times and can also stay for 10 mins then go home and then hours later decide to come back, then go home again- completely waisting my time and his.

I know its his illness and I realise its a severe one. But it cuts into my anxiety disorder so badly. I feel like Ive ages 5 years in the year and a bit Ive been with him.
Its just like an empty feeling and wanting things - wanting some security and a future and feeling bad because I dont feel the same as him- that he doesnt realise his dysfunctions and his lack of future- lack of basic independence/finances/responsibilites - all that. I end up having to be the mum all the time to him. And when I want to rely on him for things- he lets me down.

I mean, he is great at being really loyal and kind. But its just alot to deal with. And he still owes me $100 for buying his ticket to a concert with me the start of the year. Its like I think about things like that and all the times I paid him for things. It would be nice to back some of that.

It makes me feel like im in a position of feeling guilty for needing things.

Last night I went over to his place. We watched a film and then round 8:30 - 9:00 - he gets into bed and goes to sleep. Which leaves me feeling so empty- feeling like I could have done things at home- but I chose to get in his car and hang out with him- and it only lasted a short movie. I was expecting a bit of interaction and talking and laughing and watching another film or something perhaps. Instead, Im left sitting in bed, with a movie I put on for him to watch that I hd seen that he chose not to watch and goes to sleep. I end up lonely all the time and empty and feeling like he is never worth my time as this happens all the time.
Even in the day.

He had the nerve that night too- to ask me if he could play guitar whilst I was over for a bit. I had sacrificed my time to be there- and I told him that I had to work the next day. I mean he had the whole day to do his thing. And I was over- its not fair that he do that. And I silently made that clear. Because Ive sat through hours and hours of him doing his guitar and ignoring me. Not even noticing that I had gone home or gone for a 2 hour walk.
So if he were to of play guitar that night, it wouldve been me sitting in bed feeling duped and wishing I was home, bored and frustrated. And having to listen to his very anxious death metal blown in my face, at a time when I need to relax from anxiety. and then he wouldve slept.

Its like he goes doing his own thing. And then turning up at mine or asking me over and not having a clue how to entertain me. That is one thing he cannot do at all and had never done. I am the one who has to take initiative and I hate it. he might put a movie on, but he wont sit with me to watch it, and it will feel so lonely and not worth being over.

I realise too, that females can be very emotionally complex and esp one with a mental illness herself. It takes a lot of understanding and patience to be with me, if I decide to really let go and have no a mutual understanding of values and lifestyles and beliefs- which I never will with him.

It's ironic, because there I am trying to pick up the pieces again and go back to the one thing that made me very happy and that was the raw diet. I loved it. And I crave going back. But me putting him first, and have no time- and when I do have time but too exhausted or emotionally needing to stuff myself with quick processed foods (something I never did until I went out with him..). I get myself into the zone and plan my motivation and goals and love to read Ann Wigmore.. ( she created the wheatgrass juice). and then it comes to doing things for mum who cant drive and going out with russell- sitting in a car that has tones of tobacco leaves everywhere and mouldy mcdonalds cartoons (yuck I never will ever eat there and never have since I was 8), and mouldy ice coffee cartoons with lolly and chips wrappers everywhere, then the strong smell of tobacco and smoke on him and his breath and his strong over-sprayed hairspray smell.. it all makes me get a severe headache and have to have the car window right down even when its raining- and yet he thinks Im being silly, he cannot smell it lol.
Its ironic trying to detox and be with him and the fact that Im so sensitive and always have been to chemicals. Its really being on my part irrisponsible. And its funny to come to that conclusion because I read once that what we feel uneased about from others is really coming from us.

 

[grapevine]

So he sleeps all the time now. If I am not there to entertain him and suggest/initiate things or do things to try to bring life back into him if I'm not there- he just goes to bed. In the day time and then also goes to bed around 6:30 or 7:30 and then wakes up in the morning around 8:30.

It hurts my feelings because I feel like he is just so irresponsible for his own well being. Like he is completely clueless to his own needs that will make him happy. He only has a few things he does in his spare time and I'd say that the guitar playing is the only real hobby he has. And he doesn't do that every day.

It just sux because it makes me feel depressed too. If I'm home doing my thing, I'll know that he is asleep when otherwise he could be doing something if I were there.
But like I've said before- I go out of my way all the time and tend to forget my own needs and things to point where I sacrifice my health and well-being for it and know he would likely not do the same to that point.

So it just really sucks that I have a partner that cannot do anything literally that most people can. That he is completely unable to initiate things at all 90 percent of the time and just has this small routine of a life that has no real life or passion in it.

You know, say most people they have many things they do at home. They might cook and read and garden etc. They might have certain tasks and goals in those categories. Rugs - cleans his room - thats a thing, he plays guitar- thats a big thing, and he drives out to second hand shops with spare change looking for 'cool' things- and thats about it. Oh and he drives to see me, or I go see him, we go for walks and watch movies etc.

He used to have facebook but now hes quit that. And that was a paranoia weird obsessive thing.

I mean, its not my thing to put life into him, to try all the time. But its not healthy to just sleep all the time and feel sick of the same things he does.

He is unable to make himself happy or occupied. Its like everything is numb to him. And he def cant make me happy and surprise me and things like that.

Its like going out with a simple minded autistic man. He is very caring but unable to see his beahavoiur as depressing and distant and dysfunctional etc.. He has never out of the blue surprise me or do things for me. On a score card of that Id get an A plus and he would get a fail. I mean he does things for me, but in his world not in mine.

He drives out to see me most mornings when Im home, stays for 10 mins, hardly says anything and then drives back home ( which is hardly worth the effort) and its like .. you know Im sorry I have a life at home with my own hobbies and things- its like for this relationship to work I have to be in his world and try to make him or us happy and intiate all of the time.

 

[grapevine]

everything sux today and most days now

 

[theslowesthand]

everything sux today and most days now

Hang in there mate!

 

[grapevine]

Hang in there mate!

Hey thanx mate : )

 

[grapevine]

Yeah- so these roundabouts that he (i just call him that now lol) performs all the time - they just hit me for 6 .. so to speak.

its like he decides to go off Facebook- the other day ( and he does this every 2nd month or something) and then goes on about how maybe after 7 years he might go back on there lol- says he spends too much time on it and it makes him angry. So he quits it all. Then gets depressed and then dissociative and starts to be partly responsible for once yet cannot at all laugh or really at all interact. Then a few days later decides to go back on facebook.
So goes completely overboard and is on it all day and stays up all night on it So called 'mastering his page'. And putting paragraph posts on there with arrogance about himself and his talents.. and how he thinks people are trying to get his attention from thier page because they want to be his friend or more. He genuinely believes that people will ruin him when they see how good his life is and how cool he is (?)/. Something like that. He is paranoid that people are out to get him because he shows his whole self on there. Even his Youtube page he uses his real name and puts silly stuff/immature on there. It's embarrassing.

So he does that. His friend is coming down tomorrow afternoon from the city to play guitar with him- he's been looking forward to it. So his mindset is all about him. lol. He intensifies his emotions on one person at a time and one thing at a time- but very narrow-mindedly.

Anyway- I left my phone at his place the other day and I was at work yesterday waiting for him to come visit me. Because he had said that morning that he would def come and visit me- even if his sister didn't want to go for a drive. As I let for work I realised I left my phone over his place and left a message fb saying so.

So I though that day that he would turn up with my phone. And the whole day nothing. I get home after a long day at work and he writes me a message telling me that I was right and my phone was over his place and that he didnt want to visit me at work because his sister didnt want to go.
Completely changing his mind like he always does and putting himself first like he always does and then disappointing me.
I come home and get quite upset, because I go well out of my way for him all the time. And he cant do these sort of things for me.

So I tell him I was upset and that I waited and he never came. He apologised and turned up at 8:30 this morning and gave me my phone. I wanted to sleep in a bit before work but ohwell.

So he is over my place this morning and deep into his facebook experience and instagram now- and his ego online. Comepletely immersed in it to not be able to interact. And Im left wanting my own time - in the morning before I get ready but not being able to - because he decides that he'll stick around my place till his doctors appointment at 10:30. Which is the time I leave to go to work. Well I cant entertain him whilst Im getting ready for work.

But the thing that really upset me today was that Ive been talking to him for ages now about his claim for disability forms that he needs his dr to finish. That I am sure he would be granted this pension and that he greatly needs it and needs the government to recognise his disability. He was supposed to bring his form in today to his dr - even though he is there for his anti-psychotic jab - and I keep telling him to make a double appointment and get all the evidence and everything you can for the claim. But anyway- he doesn't even think about bringing his forms into the Dr today.

And its as if he doesnt even care. So I get really disaapointed because I feel like its disrespectful to me. Because Im here giving him my time and energy - my caring ability to him and want the best for him from what I can see would benefit him greatly and he just doesnt bother. He can be all for something and say all these things and then the next moment not care at all. And I cant live with that.

I have values and responsibilities - Im so sick of him all over the place. to take that on emotionally by caring is hugely draining and stressfull and really upsetting.

It makes me feel so low about myself as I really dont know what a true healthy relationship is .

He doesnt know see his situation out of himself. He is too acute in his own world of madness and irresponsibilty and just full blown schizophrenia.

Its just so sad that Ive put myself in this situation- at the same time Ive learnt alot and alot stronger. But there comes a time where I need to really sit with my emotions and feel them and have the courage to confront them. Im not ready yet as its too sad.

I feel more alone than I did when I was single.

 

[grapevine]

I wanted to do gardening today. Rugs came over to my place at 8:30 as I just woke up. So we took my dog for an hours walk. Then he hung around and mum was waiting for me to take her shopping. Then he left, then I took mum shopping. Then I finally get time to do gardening and so tired and its cold, the nice spring day has disappeared. Rugs just before - even tho he had 2 hours ago- rings up and asks what Im up to and I tell him im gardening. I then message him a bit later to tell him that its too cold to garden and he tells me he was just about to come back over..

when he knew that I was doing gardening? Meaning that he would be over my place and wanting my attention and not letting me be able to have any free time to myself to do anything I like? Meaning that he just sits there with no intentions for me - that I end up having to entertain him and make him happy and give up my own time all the time.

Anyway, then he comes back over. Hes all anxious still because he is waiting for his friend to come down from the city to play guitar with him and he is basically passing time with me. Basically waisting my time really. And I say that because he rings me up and says would i like to watch a film. He then comes over and I have to accommodate him and he just acts all immature and doesnt even want to watch a film and turns his back on me and tries to have a sleep and then gets in his car and leaves to go home again.
Hed been there for about 40 mins.

He is like that everyday and I think its really unfair to me and rude. Ive stopped my own things to give him attention- and even though he is over- he just cannot give me his.

 

[grapevine]

I feel so trapped in this world. Its like he just drags me down all the time and is completely unaware of it.

The worst thing is that it's all completely unintentional. That he means well and does hearted things. But its all bound in this dysfunctional mind and lifestyle of his.

Every day is an empty day with him. What I mean by that is his severe lack of anything literally. He is just floating around all day on what feels okay to him- regardless of my schedule. He'll usually interfere with that. Completely invade my boundaries and my space and my own time. Then have the nerve to be assertive to me when things don't suit him, when he goes home etc.

For example Ill go over to his place. I'll be there and be completely ignored. He'll be on his computer, having a shower or inside talking to his family.. it will be a casual thing. But Ill be just siting there completely bored and be basically ignored the entire time. Ill be waiting for him to interact with me and watch a movie together. It takes ages for him to remember to interact with me- and by that time will end up his bedtime at 8:30 and just going to sleep. And I will be left there so disappointed. Being with someone that sold me to go over there - that I would have a good time and that we can watch a film. To complete lack of any interaction at all. And it happens almost each time.

Then when he is over my place I have to drop everything to accommodate him. And its not fair.


But the pain is that his severe, chronic lack of any type expression and being unable to really connect with me in conversation, enthusiasm. It will be just a blank face and no expression - and always complete lack of interest in what ever Im saying. And complete lack of taking any intiative in conversation or taking me out -

He basically turns up and hangs around me- goes home, comes back, cant make up his mind- goes home and comes back again- wants to do something so I drop my things to try to make him happy- he changes his mind and doesnt want to do what ever it is I thought of. He is in this state all the time - not knowing what he wants and needs and basically using me to try to find something to do. Because when he is at home- he just sleeps or goes on facebook. He doesnt really do much else. He comes looking to me for answers to fill his day and its not fair. I have a life and goals and strcture and I never get anything done. Even my mum complains that I never get anything done anymore because he always interferes with what ever Im doing.

 

[grapevine]

So I try to question rugs delusions and paranoia and it always ends with him saying he completely disagrees with me and that he is a 20 year heavy metal Guitarist and that he dominates Facebook and that he actually puts himself out three unlike me aparrently - - who has no life online - no photos of myself etc

It's just so immature and small minded. I use Facebook as it was intended with family and friends - he uses it to get attention in any disturbing and embarrassing way he can and then gets frustrated because others aren't doing the same.
He's nuts and I'm so sick of it. ��

 

[grapevine]

Why did I do that moment?? I went to my therapist the wrong day so thought I'd have time to myself. Went to some shops and then he rang and I tell him where I am. We meet up and go for a walk at a duck pond. Then he asks me if I have $8 on me. ( I have all last year and this year spend alit of money on him and for basics to others ) and I asked what for? He tells me he is short for his cigarettes. And I tell him no - because it's against my princables. He could have worked it out before he came to meet me. Then he ends up desperately looking in his car for change and then getting a dirty old used smoke to use or whatever. So I end up raiding my little piggy bank and giving him my coins that I was saving for some rainyday. He'll never pay me he'll never pay me back, I've given up on trying to help him - with getting his disability which would be more money for him - but I basically have to now there and mother him at every step and don't get appreciation for it. Anyways / I'm sick of him tagging along and being such a drag to me and not realising.

 

[grapevine]

Well- I had a thing where I said what I thought, however, I wanted to. My therapist suggested that I do that to Rugs because I need to be myself because I talk a lot about desperately wanting to be authentic.

I hadnt been over his place in a while. Ive got another cold which sux and my health is bad once again from stress I believe. But last night we got into an argument through messages- where I brought up the topic about how I felt it was really creepy and distressing to see his Instagram account with nearly every photo a selfie of his face. He is new to Instagram and in this last week, since he joined - that's really all he has been doing is uploading photos to the site. He has over 200 photos in 5 days. Most of them of his face.

When he stayed at my place the other night and we were laying on the bed about to watch Netflix and I turn to him to ask what we should watch and I see him taking selfies of his face laying down and then going through the filtering of them. He was preoccupied with his selfies and not at all with Netflix or me or anything else. Its pretty disturbing to see him looking through many of many selfies he has uploaded and lots of arrogant stuff online. So I wasn't well and I did what he has always done to me. I decided to turn all the lights off on him and just go to sleep.

But then he tried to hump me and all that- despite me telling him the night before that I feel uncomfortable with him over in my bed because I had sexual things happen to me when I was 14 in the same room, same bed which was a trauma and at that time my dad was in the lounge in the next room. So obviously I had to give in to him staying over to be nice - but then for him to hump me and try to sleep with me plus the fact that I was quite ill and didnt go to work that day because of it. And yet he still was pursuing trying to have sex with me that night- I had to keep pushing him off. And I told him that he should know why its not appropriate right now. For which he had no clue.

Yeah so I had an argument with him last night online about his selfies and he basically told me he didn't care what I thought and if I didn't like it - then I should unfollow him on Instagram. So I told him that it deeply distresses me and that I am his partner and that is why I am telling him that. I told him that the point is the behavior of extreme self indulgence and arrogance. I didnt say deluded ego but I wanted to.

So anyway- of course he throws it about me being emotional which people who have big egos do because they dont care about anyone but themsleves most of the time.

Which set me off and I told him I wasnt going over there that night. And I go have a shower to try and unravel my disturbed emotions.
I then get a text from him later after an hour or so of ignoring him. I was waiting for him to apologise to me- but he wouldnt. So I asked him what is he doing. He responds with working out what he wanted to do that night since I wasnt coming over. Which really got me into this feeling of not at all being cared about - which is all the time. I spent all this emotion of being upset and disturbed and annoyed and told him and he just didnt care- I made a punishment to him to not go over to his place- and he just thinks about himself.

So i just forget about him and not write back. An hour later he tells me he is at some friends (?) house (a doped up guy and his mate) and getting a pizza with them. And I feel like- he jsut has no clue of the gravity of how much it shows he doesnt care. I jsut told him how I felt really disturbed and hurt about a certain thing he does - and he just doesnt care. Not even to have any kind of compassion for me with that. And I have to have compasssion for him when he never deserves it.

So I spent the night with mum telling her all about rugs and how he is like that. He really does only think about himself.

I really am past even attraction of him. He seriously repels me. His smoker's breath, yellow teeth, smokers intense smell and other smells..

He leaves an obv pile of tobacco leaves everywhere - its serioulsy disgusting and really bad- its everywhere- even on my parent's kitchen table - where he doesnt even notice it- and Im like - how do you not notice that?

I dont even like to touch his hands because of the tobacco stains on them- they are yellow and black and dirty. His body also stinks of extra strong hairspray. Im allergic to him. I get in his car and its so strong because him and his sister used to smoke in there. There is old milk cartons and loads of tobacco everywhere. I have to have the window down even when its raining. And just from sitting in there- my whole day gets ruined from an instant migraine from it.

He tried making out with me today and he has had on the same boxing shorts since last week - which stink- and his feet stink and his jeans really stink.
When he was in my bed the other night- it was a horrible feeling. he stank up my bed with his disgusting mouldy stinky feet that smelt like dead bodies and his big sweaty toxic body and smoking breath. My bedroom is what I feel I have left of me- my sanctuary - but he invades it.

But how do I even say to him- look you really need to take a bath or something and wash all your clothes and your room is a mess - you cant even tell how bad it is.. to tell him what I think..???

Im just so repelled and I feel bad about it. I dont want to be alone and I dont want to hurt him. I like someone to hang out with and we have bonded. But I just find it really hard more than ever now to be with him. I feel sad for him.

He is so past insane. And I cant take that on. Its so draining and makes you feel overwhelmed and disgusted and you cant believe what your seeing and hearing alot.

Today Rugs handed to me at his place a pre-packaged cake mix and told me if I could make this for him and his family..

and Im like wht??

because Ive made cakes on and off for him and them. But - Im not a slave. He cant even do basics for me- do you think Im going to do that for him?

Thats what I was telling mum last night. As soon as I stop doing stuff for him.. theres nothing much left except for him just turning up at my place and asking me how his hair looks. Thats sort of thing.

 

[theslowesthand]

I had pretty severe BDD (but what BDD isn't severe, lol) for about 30 odd years.
I think that may have caused my SA/AvPD but i'm not certain (it may have been over-sensitivity or low self-esteem). To this day, i still live the live of a hermit, as it's all i know. I know you've been through similar, so i know where you're coming from. :sad: