Och aye the noo

[theslowesthand]

How i cope ain't everybody's cup-o-tea, but i've always coped by minimizing contact with people, along with ample "quiet time" afterwards perhaps with the aid of booze & loud/furious music. But as i've gotten older, i've needed less time in solitude & less time recupperating. But i'm afraid it was ne'er easy, havin one's emotions go flyin aboot the place after spending time with people. But for whit's worth, thats how a've coped.

 

[Megaten]

Finally going to get ma right eyebrow re-pierced in 2 weeks time. The holes have closed up, but ye cun still see where ma piercing wus. Well, only just under ma incredibly thick hairy eyebrows.

By the way, would it be wise to get a slightly raised mole from ma left forearm? No because ah think there's anythin' wrong. But if I'm getting a tattoo to cover up some light scars, ah'd rather get the mole removed rather than covered over. Since the tattoo will be quite special design, don't want owt to spoil the look o' it.

And, according to ma sister, gettin' a tattoo isn't aw that painful. Nae worse than the pain o' my recent surgery, to quote her words verbatim. And with me overcoming my fear of needles thanks to havin' blood taken before my surgery, might as well get a tattoo. :bigsmile:

It especially shouldnt be too bad on your forearm. I got a tiny one on my shoulder once when I was feeling like a rebel and I dont remember it hurting much. At least not a sharp sting like getting blood drawn. To me if felt like the dude was just dragging a sharp pencil on me.

 

[Graeme1988]

How i cope ain't everybody's cup-o-tea, but i've always coped by minimizing contact with people, along with ample "quiet time" afterwards perhaps with the aid of booze & loud/furious music. But as i've gotten older, i've needed less time in solitude & less time recupperating. But i'm afraid it was ne'er easy, havin one's emotions go flyin aboot the place after spending time with people. But for whit's worth, thats how a've coped.

That's exactly like me. Except, well... the loud music is rare for me nowadays. Though, ah do stil listen to instrumental rock and metal music. That said, ah do feel ma disability contributed to ma minimal contact with people in general. But then ah just feel ill at ease with people, which ah suppose is doon tae being be bullied at a young age.

Still tryin' tae work oot where ma sensitiity to violent movies came from? :question: Ah wonder if ah got it from ma parents, since neither o' them like gory horror or overly violent movies, as ah do. Though, ah never got ma dad's distain for the movie Pulp Fiction. Am I just a weirdo? mg:
Or an old head on young shoulders.

It especially shouldnt be too bad on your forearm. I got a tiny one on my shoulder once when I was feeling like a rebel and I dont remember it hurting much. At least not a sharp sting like getting blood drawn. To me if felt like the dude was just dragging a sharp pencil on me.

Thanks fur pittin' me at ease aboot the tattoo, Megaten. 'Cause ah've heard many say it's really sore, which implies painful to me. So, cheers for clearing up that misconception . :thumbup: I'm contemplatin' gettin' a sleeve done at some point, if ah can find designs or think of stuff that means enough to me to get a tattoo done.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, me and my sister got the gym membership sorted oot the day.

But she just had to say, things will come over time with my walking improving. As well as being more social. Her exact words. Get me more social... Ugh! mg: :kickingmyself: Ah know I'm socially awkward, ah always huv been. No self-confidence and a low opinion o' masel', ye see.

But that's just me. Then again, it's no easy fittin' in when yer physically disabled and huv a learning disabilty that ye huv to desperately try and hide in order to seem "normal" like everyone else. Growing in conservative Christian household. Raised by a single, feminist, uptight prude of a mother. and without a dad or any positive male influence or role models.

Guess it's true that ye do get left behind socially if yer disabled. And educationally if yer raised by a single mother who didnae care about ya. No offense to single mums who actually care about their kids. Ah know, not all single mums are exactly the same.

Just sayin' ye might love yer parents. But... Philip Larkin wus right. They f**k you up, yer mum and dad.

 

[Graeme1988]

So how d'ye overcome yer anxiety ? As well as feelin' like that ye make people uncomfy. Plus, ah feel as though ah dinnae belong. And always feel outta ma depth intellectually whenever I'm in a room with people.

Wish aw that wus easier to overcome. :sad:

 

[theslowesthand]

Just sayin' ye might love yer parents. But... Philip Larkin wus right. They f**k you up, yer mum and dad

That indeed be very true.

 

[Graeme1988]

Hud a rather depressin' thought last night aboot ma disability.

How will ah cope efter ma mum passes away ? With ma disability likely to worsen. Also, how will ah take it when she eventually does? Part of me thinks ah'll be partly happy, like ah wus when ah found oot ma dad died.

Ah mean, we huv'nae hud the best relationship, me n' mum. Despite outward appearances that make it seem otherwise. Constantly arguing, me compromising due to be manipulated emotionally. Her playin' dumb whenever ah ask her a question. Her constantly be discouraging negative n' pessimistic. And, y'know, her tendency to project her hatred o' men onto me durin' ma teens for no reason other than huvin the misfortune o' takin' after ma dad, in looks and some personality traits.

In many ways, ah feel ma mum has held me back fae achieve ma potential in life. Y'know, with her being so adverse to change, and acceptin' me for who I am. Never encouraging me to pursue what I was good at, etc.

Plus, ah dinnae want all the responsibility o' carin' for her to be all on me, as ah huv enough trouble caring for masel' due to ma disabilty.

 

[kilojoule]

Looks like ya might be getting Scottish independence afterall

 

[Graeme1988]

Looks like ya might be getting Scottish independence afterall

Ah don't like being political, since it's always a divisive issue in ma family. But Scots independence could very well be a possibility since Scotland voted to remain the EU. Though, ah voted to leave. We were still dragged out the EU against oor political will.

Though did Nicola Strugeon huv to bring up hold another indy referendum so soon efter the EU vote? A bit opportunist if ye ask me, like. She'll definitely use this recent vote as a reason to be in favor of Scots indepence.

Ah just wonder if Scotland will rejoin the EU if we were to get independence, and whit that'd mean for us as a country. :thinking:

And David Cameron's on his way oot, which probably means Boris "The Buffoon" Johnson will be next PM. At least, Prime Minister Questions will be a bit o' a laugh if Boris does take Cameron's place. And Boris is more endearing to folk, despite being a toff. Of course, that if Boris does get the job, which seems likely given how led the recent EU referendum campaign.

Just huv to wait and see how things pan oot with the Lisbon treaty, as UK beginning to leave the EU.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, the UK leaving the EU has thrown the political jigsaw puzzle up in the air here in Scotland.

Labour and the Conservative saying another Scottish independence referendum is out o' the question, unless the people call for it. Nicola Sturgeon off to Brussels to see if Scotland can remain in the EU, despite being pulled out of it due to England and Wales voting to leave and being successful.

Which begs the question how can Scotland being independent within the EU? If it's just about trade, then it could work? :thinking:
Again, ah don't exactly know f that'd be the case. No bein' aw that political masel'.

Might as well, go for independence, this recent UK vote to leave the EU hus'nae exactly united us. The Scots and Nothern Irish on one side, England and Wales on the other. Just sayin' why consider ourselves a United Kingdom when this EU referendum has show us to be any but...

Sorry for gettin' overly political, here. Just makin' an observation.

 

[Graeme1988]

Never thought ah'd get intae a routine o' goin' to be early and gettin' up early. That hus'nae changed since January 7th. Things huv been kinda good and bad, as ma week starts.

On the plus side, ah've got another physiotherapy session on Thursday, which could be ma last for a few weeks. Me and ma sister are going to the gym on Friday morning. Then we're gettin' re-piercings done. Me, my right eyebrow, and ma sister's gettin' her ear re-pierced.

The negative is ma mum's usual pessmistic attitude and negative comments. Comments which are either directed at me as a person, or discouraging me from doing what ah want. Ah hare bein' depended upon ma family, who seem to always huv secondary motive for askin' me to do summit for them.

Also, feelin' anxious aboot this year's Edinburgh Fringe festival. :sad:
And the usual self-esteem and trust issues. Yada, yada, yada! Ye get the idea... A hate beng a constant people pleaser. :thumbdown:

 

[Hoppy]

 

[Graeme1988]

Thanks for makin' me smile, Hoppy. Ah needed that. :thumbup:

 

[Graeme1988]

Nuthin' is going right in ma life lately. :kickingmyself:

Ma mum being quite distant, like she'd rather that ah didnae speak to her at all. Startin' to think she'd be a much happier person if ah wus'nae around.

Because it's clear to me that she doesnae really like me that much. Lately she's actin' like ah don't exist. Whenever I ask her a question, it's met with this awkward silence. She's no even lookin' at me. Then, when ah ask if she heard ma question, ah get an "Uh-huh" disinterested reply. h: Or she'll say: "Ah don't know, do ah?!" Which is the standard response I've come to expect.

Which makes me wonder if it's me? I'm just an unlikeable, horrible person? :sad:

 

[MollyBeGood]

My parents were often very distant. Probably why I got in trouble all of the time to get their attention-but usually they didn't know the extent since I felt so awful causing problems and was very good at hiding stuff.

Try not to take anything anyone else does too much to heart.

Reality is- It's almost always about them and not you.

 

[Graeme1988]

The past few days huv been sorta... Ah don't actually know, really. Ah've been waking up surprisingly early. Though, could just be doon tae the fact it summer.


My mum and I seem to be drifting apart more n' more. To the point where our relationship is identical to the yin ah hud with my dad. Well, almost, y'know. That same tension is there, the same emotional distance and disinterest. The same sense that they didnae really want me to begin with. :sad:

Don't know if it's worth the effort tae reconnect with her? Since I'm clearly too smart, weird and boring now to even find common ground with my mum beyond the football, really.

Ah still cannae seem able to take a compliment as being genuine. Rather than an attempt to make me feel better about masel'. Don't know that's me feelin' it's undeserved, or the fact positive reinforcement wus'nae summit ah heard much from either o' ma parents? Probably both, though.

Like, ma sister's been brattling on aboot how well I've done in ma rehab everytime she observes me walkin'. And how positive I've been throughout ma whole orthopaedic surgery. To me it just feel uncomfortable being praised like that, when ah don't like makin' a big deal of things.

And being assertive is another o' my struggles. Ah just don't huv the confidence. Never huv, really.

Been feeling quite emotional, lately, considering how quickly things huv progressed since early January. And just what difference huvin the surgery has made tae ma life. Even back in December 2015, ah couldnae huv imagined just how drastically ma walkin' pattern would change.

That, and depression is startin' tae creep back intae ma life. Like me constantly doubting masel' and ma purpose in life. Wondering if I'm just wasting it? :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

My parents were often very distant. Probably why I got in trouble all of the time to get their attention-but usually they didn't know the extent since I felt so awful causing problems and was very good at hiding stuff.

Sadly my parents didnae care enough to understand my disability, my depression or why I'm so awkward and ill at ease around people. Ah mean. the closest they've gotten to empathy is "Are yer legs sore the day? Awww, pare wee lamb!". As for the depression and anxiety, I'm telt to man up and stop being so stupid. Oh, and I'm not anxious, just shy, apparently. And autistic because ah rarely speak to my family, and spend much of my time isolated in ma room.

Though, you wouldnae speak to them much either, if it meant the possibility of being yelled at. And, y'know, being disabled, social isolated is kinda part of living with a physical disability.

So, as a result, it's very much a case of me stay inside ma head at all times. Rarely being as open and honest as I once was. Since not knowing how my family will react is better than knowing how they'll likely react. And keeping people at arms lengths. Since, as I learnt at a young age, eventually they get bored of you and leave. Everybuddy does...

Try not to take anything anyone else does too much to heart.

Reality is- It's almost always about them and not you.

Easier said that done, sadly. Ah mean, I know it's more about them than me. But it hard not to take being personally insulted or told yer a nasty piece o' work, to heart. Oh, and the constantly being told yer selfish person for not doing as yer family tells ya. Or sharing the same beliefs, opinions or tastes.

Apparently, in my family, if you've got a mind of yer own, there's somethin' wrong with ye.

 

[Graeme1988]

Living with my disability is getting harder, just generally speakin', like.
Ah hate huvin to hide the fact I have a learning disability due to my cerebral palsy. Struggling with severe depression and anxiety is just a kick in the knackers on top o' aw that.

Being a guy makes it slightly more difficult, in the sense that, yer left to yer ain devices in many ways. With naebuddy to guide ye and askin' for help isn't always forthcoming from family. Though, being expected to be a confident person, when yer not isnae exactly easy either. Ah also hate constantly huvin to be a f**kin' mind reader with my siblings and mum is frustrating. Because they're always so vague when askin' me questions at times. So in many ways ye get left behind and all but forgotten about by family and society.

Sorry, just venting ma feelin' about ma disability. Which can be, and make me feel like, a burden at times. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh, what a life... Some many opportunities missed and lost. Due in part to fear and not feelin' good enough or intelligent enough to be deserving of those chances that passed me by.

And the few educational achievements ah wus awarded in high school still feel as though ah got 'em by chance, but didnae fully deserve 'em. As for ma education since, well I've mainly taught myself stuff, since naebuddy in ma family express any interest or seem keen to teach me things ah should know at my age.

Almost 30 years old, and ah feel less experienced than most people who are around or the same age as me.

 

[theslowesthand]

This is funny
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-LyFMCIpok