Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

I love Shirley Manson!

Great singer. For an underrated band. Kinda ironic that the band names is Garabage but their music is quite the opposite.

I think your sense of humor is great, and you kick *** too!:applause:

Awww, thank you. It's usually the smart + funny usually equals not funny, to some. :idontknow: It's was recently thought by ma family that ah might huv Asperger's Syndrome. And they're probably right.

It's on top of ma anxiety, depression and low self-esteem issues - and ma cerebal palsy. It's makes ma life all the more difficult.

So that recent possiblity, if am honest, it just makes me more self-conscious about social interaction. Ah mean, it's not that ah don't want to it. Just most of the time, ah feel outta place or have nothin' to contribute to a discussion.

If anything thought of social interaction now makes me anxious, if I do huv Asperger's. And most of my interaction is forced, anyway.

Ah feel it's just another thing to try and cope with, on top uh everything else.

And the fact my cerebal palsy will probably still get worse, even if I get the surgery next year. The corrective surgery is just to correct my posture, it's a cure. The positive is being able to walk a bit better. Ah probably still huv muscle spasms to deal with.

Some guy tried to attack me once while I was cutting school and I fought back and he left me alone, that is the extent of it for me but that was scary-wasn't expecting that ****ing ***** to do that to me when I saw him walking down the street towards me in a good neighborhood too, in broad frigging day light!

Whoa! That's messed up. But good on you for fighting back.

I was so lucky to have never been bullied in school. I often forget that. Being a girl it was easier to be a "shrinking violet" and no body would mess with you.

Yeah, but with me, I kinda felt my primary school had failed to do anything about it. Since I was already a target because of my disability, and being mixed race didn't help. Though, being mixed race does give ye a unique perspective on racism. And just how stupid it is.

But I won't get into the whole complex issue of cultural identity. Well, not at the moment.

It's good to write this stuff out. Maybe it will help someone else, too, get the courage to stand up to these sub-humans that roam our planet in too great a number.

Well, in my opinion, the advice to "just ignore or try and forget about it", when it comes to bullying, is just saying there's nothing you can do about it. Which sends the bullies the message that it's okay, when it's not. Which give the wrong message to the person being bullied. Though, ah got bullied for much of ma school years - had drop outta high school because of it. Well, it's wuz one of the reasons for it.

*I owe ya an email back btw

Take yer time with that... I was'nae in a great frame of mind when ah wrote that PM I sent ya, by the way. Some of the things I said, I didn't actually mean. So please, keep that in mind. Said more outta anger and frustration than anything else...

Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight!!!! I will be rooting for you!

:thumbup: Ah try ma best... Just wish ah was'nae plagued by self-esteem issues and self-doubt. Just sayin'... Didnae mean tae end on a bad note.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ma high school years were, for the first few years, pretty good. Ah mean, naebuddy really bother me much in terms of bullyin' - until ma 3rd year, anyway. But the first couple uh years of high school were in all honesty, pretty great.

Ah can still remember one of lads who bullied - not the yin who got his arse handed tae um when ah wuz 12. The big, fat lad who used tae call me racial slurs everytime he'd see coming through school gate - Robert.

He comes up tae me, one day during the school interval. Am by masel', eatin' ma pack uh crisps, looking through ma school time-table to see what classes ah've got afore lunchtimes. He's goes: "Hiya, d'ye remember me?"

And ah reply, sarcastically: "Ah thought ah heard you approachin'. Guess that wuz why the table wuz shakin' a bit!"

He asks his previous question again. To which ah go "No, ah don't... But ah don't remember this fat lad who used tae call me names for a few years back. Wuz that you?"

He goes: "Eh, aye..."

"Ah guess ah do remember ye. Ah remember you", ah nod at his friend standing next to him. A white, spikey-haired lad with narrow eyes. "Craig, innit?" "Yeah". Then ah go: "Eh, where tall, goofy lookin' b@stard wi' the glass?"

Robert recall who I'm describing and says he went to a different high school. I jokingly then say: "That a relief, ah wuz startin' tae think you ate um"

Ma mate Scott comes over, seeing Robert stand over me asks if am huvin' any bother and wonder if he can sort it. I go: "Naw, ah think he's jist lost. Food over there, big man. Am jokin', grab a couple uh chairs. Ah mean, get yin for Craig as well" Scott lets out a giggle at my deadpan delivery.

Then Robert says something ah didnae expect. "Am sorry fur the way ah treat ye during primary. If ye want tae still hate me, that's fine. Just know, ah regret call ye name"

Ah say I admire him for admitting to his past mistakes. "Ah might not be able to forget, but... I am willing forgive ye" And shake his hand, we're friendly with each other for a few years, until the day he left Lockerbie Academy and went to college.

 

[Graeme1988]

On the positive side you are aware of that you over-reacted, and that makes you a nice person.

Yeah, I guess. Still affect me to this day, though. The emotional scars are still there. And that's not a good thing. Also, I tend to react badly if ever there's an argument. Which ah need to get in check, if I ever want to overcomin' my social anxiety.

But if I ever meet you I will be very very careful.

Ah don't think am that intimidating. Ma anxiety makes me act stranger than I am. Though, ah might huv undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome? So that could explain ma weird behaviour? :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Look back on my childhood, ah think the traits of Asperger's Syndrome were evident. Though, I think the bleeding on the brain could have contributed in some way. Causing both physical and development issues. Because, honestly, ah don't think am as smart as am given credit for. Pretty stupid, actually. Well, to still be as socially akward at my age doesnae seem right. Does it? Nae offense tae anyone here at SPW. Am just speakin' fur maself.

And the fact that I went from credit level computer studies to intermediate level in short space of time during my 3rd and 4th year of high school should've been a sign of ma intelligence level. :sad:

Also the fact that during music class in high school, I never got the music theory side of things, or the more intellectual side of things when it came to classical music - "What the composer is trying to evoke with this piece?". All of that stuff went over ma head. Ah wuz fine at playing an instrument until I had to perform, then as - with social situations - ma mind would go blank. Hud awful stage fright.

Being educated in a mainstream school enviroment wuz probably the wrong decision for me, retrospectively. Hud ah not been born with issues ah huv, ah probably would've turned out better. Probably would've completed ma education.

Sorry tae sound aw depressin', am jist ventin' ma feelings.

 

[Graeme1988]

Awright, folks.... Hullo! Greetin' and salutations, fellow crowd dodgers. :sarcastic: (Technically that remark's only offensive if ye cannae take a f**kin' joke. Or if yer servely social anxious or agoraphobic. In which case ye cannae leave the hoose) Just a wee light-hearted, slightly daft, joke there. Anyway...

Ah've huv'nae been daein' too well, lately. But then, that's depression fur ye, eh? Hate kiddin' on that am cheery when ah clearly no' aw that cheery. :sad:

Plus, ah hate huv tae humour folk aw time. Whether it be me makin' people laugh. Unintentionally, of course. Coz when ye say summit in a dour, deadpan, monotone Scottish accent it's funny... F**k knows why, but it is.

Oh! And while we're on that topic - ah know ah said "we" fur some odd reason. Almost like am talkin' tae some cunt who seems moderately interested in what ah've got tae say. Which isnae much, but there ye go...

But ah digress. Anyway, ah hate when someone asks me "Hi! D'ye think this is funny..." Then proceed tae tell me a joke which ah think is pure shite. But ah just gee a wee chuckle coz... Well, apparently ye'd hurt the other person's feelings if ye said: "Naw! That wuz shite."

Aside fae that as ah said, been feelin' depressed lately. But naebuddy wants tae hear me haverin' on, dae they, eh? Though, should really get back intae writin' in this thread. Boredom and depression dinnae quite go together.... Och! Ah cannae think of a guid enough joke, so ah'll jist end this post here. mg:

 

[Graeme1988]

No' been daein' too well, lately. :sad: At the moment ah seem tae be in a constant struggle wi' depression and ma ain self-esteem issues.

Also, ah get the feelin' people hate me, fur reasons like me being a dim eejit. Noo that probably isnae true but ah gee folk that impression. Though am shite when it comes tae make a guid first impression wi' people - all awkward n' that. Personally, ah came tae the conclusion recently that am too socially inept tae be function socially. Got nae purpose, or place in the world, either.

Just dour, miserable beardy half-Celtic, half-African tosser. That's me. :bigsmile:

Whit ye still read this fur? Ah've huv'nae got anythin' else tae say. D'ye want another story fae ma shambolic existence? It'll be recent, though. It'll be in the past, like yesterday... Jist thought, ah'd end on a bad joke, there. :bigsmile:

 

[Hoppy]

Just dour, miserable beardy half-Celtic, half-African tosser. That's me. :bigsmile:

Whit ye still read this fur?

Of course we read this far. How else can we absorb the Pearls of Wisdom from our own Afro-Celtic Oracle?

And if I may ask: How long do white-skinned me have to live in Africa before I can consider myself an African? So far it has been 14 generations, and apparently it is not long enough.

 

[Graeme1988]

Of course we read this far. How else can we absorb the Pearls of Wisdom from our own Afro-Celtic Oracle?

Am no' wise. Unless ye consider reading in an attempt tae reveal brain damage suffer at birth somehow wise? :idontknow: And using big words like "trivial", "trifecta" and "genre" in a vain attempt tae appear smarter than ah actually am. Self-deprecation, there - that means makin' fun uh yerself. . One of the essential components in the art of saying funny things - though a funny accent helps too. Now, am just sayin' words in random order... But enough aboot the Scottish dialect. :bigsmile: Irony, what a concept, eh?

Don't worry ah wouldnae be gratuitously offensive just for the sake of it. Got a few jokes that are likely to offend which ah will not repeat until ma birthday.

And if I may ask: How long do white-skinned me have to live in Africa before I can consider myself an African? So far it has been 14 generations, and apparently it is not long enough.

Well, am not really an expert on that. Ah came oot the womb wi' a built-in sun tan. And am mixed race - stuck in the middle so to speak. But then, ah've always been a huge fan of the late great Scottish singer/songwriter Gerry Rafferty. That's a true statement and in-joke reference to Scottish folk-rock band Stealers Wheel. But ah digress...

Ah personally don't know how ye need tae huv lived in a country (nearly forgot there's an "o" that word - mistake narrowly avoided) before ye can yerself of a certain nationality? Technically if yer born and raised in a certain country then - by default you are of that nationality. But being mixed race it does make it harder to pick sides when yer a walking human advert for multiculturalism. That's just a wee joke.

Cultural identity is still summit am struggling with... In retrospect it was odd huvin' white kids come up tae me askin' if ma afro hairdo was a wig, everyday for the first year of primary school. Or being ask what ah talk like ma peers. Aye, ah know brown skin, curly hair, and speaking in a Scottish accent - that's no' right, is it? Because if a person like a Pakistani, he must be a Paki. Though, it's does defeat expectations when the words "Hullo", "Aye" and the phrase "No, that's no' mine" were utter for the first time in front uh ma peers at school.

Then when I was about abbot 8 years old, ah started gettin' the "_______ Go Home!" chants, again from a group of white, immature kids.

To which I reply in a thick Scots accent: "Eh, it's no' 3 o'clock yet, ya mong!" This made the bullies laugh for some odd reason. Not sure if it was the ironic use of a disabled kid using the word "mong" to describe an able-bodied person. Ah mean, it would've been in bad taste if one of them actually had Down's Sydrome. I'm joking, of course. People with Down's Sydrome aren't that stupid.

The 2nd time they said the same thing again. To which I remember vividly reply: "Oh, aye, and where d'you live?" They reply with some town just a few miles from where I live. Then I said: "Ha! It's a good thing ah jist live up the road then, innit?" And walk off... One of the bullies even had the nerve tae ask where ah was going. I said: "Where d'ye think...? Like ah would go home efter 1st interval?! Ah wish..."

Even better was: "Is ma uniform wet? Aye, but only coz it's rainin' the day. And d'ye see a ship in the school car park, there? No! Which mean ah didnae arrive here fae India!" in respond to being told: "Paki go back where ye came from!" Oooh, some cunt's just fail geography - which would've been a better response. But ah was just 8 years old and early in ma years of doing comedy. We all start off with hack jokes - unless yer mum sees nae problem in you watching TV sitcoms after 10pm? Which has had a great influence on my ability tae swearing properly.

Ah hud nae idea ah wuz actually gonnae tell ye a story, there.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk... Awright, enough uh that, it's getting repetitive. :bigsmile:

 

[Graeme1988]

Eventually am gonnae run oot ah things tae say... :idontknow: Which is quite a scary thought. Being from a culture that knows how tae spin yarns - tell stories in other words. Ah mean, the Scottish dialects good fur a laugh... Especially NEDS (Non-educated deliquents) with their nasally, high-pitched voices and awkward fashion sense - sport-brand shell-suits. Though, a bit hypocritically uh me sayin' that - since ah wear the same gear. Mind you, ah hud enough of an attention span tae actually pay attention in school, but retained little knowledge obtain via listening to the teacher.

Though, ah could never be as funny as the silly, immature members of ma peer group and get away wi' that sorta behaviour. Oh, ah've got a few stories fae ma high school days that are hilariously outrageous. Though, observed more than instigated moments of sheer stupidity. Ah took Blaise Pascal's philosophy of "If you want people to think of good of you, then don't speak" a wee bit too seriously as teenager. But then ah was introverted, shy, socially awkward, and suspected as being possibly gay. But ah didn't know Elton John or Rob Halford from Judas Priest were that way until long after I become a fan of their music. :sarcastic: Ah like that joke because it's funny, slightly offensive and factually accurate. :bigsmile:

 

[Graeme1988]

Jist realise ah dinnae half talk a load ah shite - don't ah?

Translate: Oh dear. How embarrassing. I've just realised I defecate from the mouth, could you pass me some toilet paper, good sir. (And that how terribly posh people speak, isn't it? :sarcastic: Not really...

 

[Graeme1988]

:greeting: Hiya! Ye awright? Well, am no', but ah might bore ye wi' the details. :bigsmile: D'ye ever git so bore that ye bored uh being bored? Ah know ah dae. But mibbe that's jist me? Ah don't know...

Jist realised ah dae that a lot. Y'know start wi' the jokes then slowly plod along until ma words decend intae misery. But then am quite a dour, cynical person - but then I am Scottish.

Been feelin' quite reflective, lately, fur whatever reason? Y'know lookin' back tae ma past, which mostly consists uh awkwardness and failure. D'ye ever think back tae yer school days and, like, cringe at how ye were and the stuff ye got away with? Especially when ye were a teenager. Ah know ah do. Oh f**k! Ah think am aboot tae tell another uh ma longwinded stories that seems tae gan on fur ages... mg:

 

[Graeme1988]

Bed-ridden with a bout of food poisoning. Talk aboot a crap birthday present, eh?

Aye, that right. It's ma birthday - 26 years old. Though, it's kinda s**te anaw. Because 10 years ago, right efter ma 16th birthday, a cousin whom ah wuz particularly close to, we were more like brothers than cousin. He just suddenly withoot givin' a reason why, stop talkin' tae me. The _____! Which is probably why ah've been weary tae trust folk, even family. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

If ah could only say a few words... Ah'd probably talk more, eh?! :bigsmile:

Ah know that wuz a crappy, predictable joke. Quite depressin' how easily them kinda self-depricatin' jokes come tae me. But then, ah've got the low self-esteem and anxiety tae not only make that believeable. It'll also makes folk feel uncomfortable tae laugh. But laughing's better than greetin' yer eyes oot. :crying: Innit?

(Sigh...) Nae real idea what am gan tae talk aboot, really. Lately things huv'nae been that great fur me, personally. :sad: Older ah git the mair ah realise ah know nuthin'... Absolutely sweet eff all. Which makes me feel strangely content wi' that realisation. You'd think that would sadden me, but it really doesnae.

Ah suppose reason fur me no' bein' too bothered by it is because ah've always felt intellectually inferior compared tae ma peer group and ma family. Must be great being stupid and happy? Them kinda folk certainly huv a self-confidence ah could only dream of. And they're funnier than ah could ever be. The _ u _ t s! Ah actually huv tae make a effort tae be funny. Also doesnae help ah huv a lotta self-doubt aboot masel' - in terms of ma creativity and ma ability tae be "naturally funny".

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah've never really felt comfortable in ma ain skin, so tae speak. Y'know... Ah still feel like ah don't know who ah um. Also, feel like ma personality is jist made up uh other folk's expectation of how ah should be.

Ah would elaborate on that... But ah cannae!

 

[nodejesque]

^ I can absolutely relate, Graeme.

 

[Graeme1988]

^ I can absolutely relate, Graeme.

Glad tae know am no' the only yin that feels the way ah do. Anyway. Eh, uhm... Naw, ah huv'nae really got anythin' tae yap aboot at the moment.

Ah'll gee ye another story fae ma school days, eventually. Though, there's mair like observations fae high school - since ah wuz the quiet kid who laughed at ma classmates when they were bein' verbally disruptive. :bigsmile: Ah dinnae start causin' trouble until ah realised ah wuz quite good at the cuttin', sarcastic, "Did he just say that...?!" putdown. Or when ma grades started tae spiral downwards.

Efter them stories, ah move on tae the really serious stuff - me livin' wi' cerebral palsy. Ah know, me bein' serious.... Pffft! Aye, right.

 

[Graeme1988]

Hullo, folks...

Been feelin' depressed n' unmotivated, lately. Feelin' judge by ma family. Gittin' glib comments aboot ma anxiety issues. Which kinda pissed me. Ah mean, how...? Whit go does sayin' "Oh! Jist dinnae think aboot it n' it goes away" Really? Denial. That's the game.

Also, ah've been thinkin' aboot playin' doon ma sense uh humour in social situation. Well, ah dae that, anyway. Mainly coz ah dinnae want tae be annoy or seem mean by sayin' summit unintentionally funny in deadpan fashion makin' what ah say seem like a dismissive comment. Also, me no' being funny does take pressure of me tae be funny - also keeps ma ego in check. No' that am in social situation much anymair. Jist a thought...

Hmmm, what else tae talk aboot? :thinking: Huv'nae really got much tae actually talk aboot - other than moments in ma life that end in embarrassment which jist happen tae be unintentionally hilarious or sad. That's basically ma life, if ye dinnae take intae account am usually forced intae social settings. Which jist end badly.

And, on that note, ah'll bugger off... and contemplate whether tae tell ye another long-winded story.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah've huv'nae been daein' too well. Feelin' really doon n' depressed, lately. :sad: Jist... ah cannae exactly explain why that is. It's like it's too depressin' tae even put intae words how am feelin' the noo. Family keep pesterin' me tae open up aboot how am feelin' but everytime ah dae that - naebuddy seems tae listen, care, like what ah've got tae say. So, ah've kinda - against ma better judgement - been keepin' a lot tae masel'. Ah know, foolish, but... Mibbe that jist how ah um? Scottish folk are no' the kinda people who talk openly about oor feelin's. Nae idea why that is, like, but it jist is. Shame? Embarrassment? The fact it makes people uncomfortable? Ah huv'nae a clue. :idontknow:

Sorry if this isnae as funny as ah usually, but got tae git it oot. But then am even startin' tae doubt if ah've ever said anythin' genuinely funny in the last 14 years. Ooops! Better shut up noo, afore this git too depressin'.

 

[Graeme1988]

Life... It's an existence, innit? Well, that's how it feels tae me.

Ah mean, it's no' easy livin' wi' a disability, especially yin that gits worse like cerebral palsy. :sad: And that's difficult tae come tae terms wi' - the fact things are gittin' worse. Slowly, but gradually, worse.

Bein' telt it wuz gittin' worse wuz f**kin' heartbreaking. 12 years old, ah gan tae see the doctors at Dumfries Royal Infirmary. Ma mum sittin' next tae me. One jist comes right oot and says it, doesnae f _ _ k aboot - nane uh that break it tae 'em gentally.

"Well, Graeme, you're condition is getting worse. It's likely you'll need tae use a wheelchair in a few years time"

Then the !_%_# has never tae ask me how ah feel aboot that. Considerin' ah wuz already walkin' wi' a crutch at this point, anaw. Coz ma CP started gittin' worse during the summer of 2000.

Any, he asks me how ah feel aboot the news. Ah look at ma mum, then look at the 3 doctors sittin' opposite us, and ah say in a deadpan tone uh voice: "Well... Am no' exactly overjoyed" Which shocked ma mum coz as so ah as said it she exclaim: "Graeme!" Ah just shrug ma shoulder. :idontknow:

We say bye tae the doctor and walk oot the hospital. In complete silent coz there's nuthin' ye can say tae 12 year auld lad that's jist been telt devastatin' news that'll make 'em feel. Nae joke'll lightened the mood.

We git intae ma oldest sister car and drive home. Me, silent, fur maist uh the journey - expect give the occassional grunted response of "Aye" or "Uh-huh". Aw the while thinkin' "Well, that's me fukt, innit?" :kickingmyself:

 

[Kiwong]

It's a shame your journal it tucked away in the Adults section.

Great answer to the Doctor, that's a question a dumb journalist would ask, innit?