Och aye the noo

I will come back here and read more of your journal! I like your sense of humour and the way you express yourself.
Aw, cheers, Nanita. :thumbup: Ah would recommend no' eatin' or drinkin' anythin' if that's the case. Just in case ye piss yersel'.

Somebuddy likes ma sense o' humour? Eh, wait whit?! Naw! Yer takin' the piss, right? D'ye no' mean ma accent, darlin'? ;)

Ma sense uh humour's far too weird tae like. Plus, naebuddy seems tae get it. Since ah either make dark, sick, inappropriate jokes or really surreal jokes. Delivered in a deadpan fashion, fur added affected & shock value. But maist folk just dinnae "get it" & respond like this: :idontknow: or give that narrow eyed look, as much tae say: "Whit da f**k's wrong wi' you?"
Oh, I wouldn't dream of editing your writing. It's perfect the way it is. As for understanding the words, that's something that the reader would adapt to as the story progresses, much like learning a language by being around people who speak it.
Awwww, fu... :eek:mg: Cheers, Marie. :thumbup: It's a bit hard tae adapt tae an accent, especially ye dinnae huv English as a first language. Ah know there's some irony there since Scottish folk dinnae huv English as a first language, either. It's just some o' us talk that quickly, aside fae "f**k", "c**t" n' "[email protected]", yer hard press tae understand a full sentence. Ye ever notice how Scottish folk dinnae seem tae pause or take a breath when speakin'? :bigsmile:
Just realised that "Tossin' the caber" sounds like Scottish euphemistic slang fur masturbation. :blushing: Doesn't it, though?

Or is it just me that's noticed this?

Now, yer aw thinkin': "Awwww, Graeme, that's mingin'... Ya dirrty, filthy [email protected]! :eek: What um ah like, eh?


Well-known member
Just realised that "Tossin' the caber" sounds like Scottish euphemistic slang fur masturbation. :blushing: Doesn't it, though?

Or is it just me that's noticed this?

Now, yer aw thinkin': "Awwww, Graeme, that's mingin'... Ya dirrty, filthy [email protected]! :eek: What um ah like, eh?
I've heard that "tossing" is a slang term for masturbation, but what on earth is a caber? Haha.
Awright, ah'll no' bore ye tae death fur long the day. Ah've been feelin'... Well, eh...

Ah huv'nae exactly been too cheery as uh late. Ah mean, ah've been kiddin' on that am cheery, but am no' really... aw that cheery. Ah've been overly grumpy, in fact. Cannae quite explain why, exactly? Though, it could huv summit tae dae wi' the fact cruel humoured jokes at the expense of one's appearance, are fine up tae a point, right...? No' talkin' aboot masel' here, just in general.

Am very aware whit ah look like, awright. Why folk feel the need tae mock that fact by comparin' me tae a f**kin' stereotype is beyond me? Perhaps "politically incorrect comedy" is just code for "Race, ignorant, unfunny cunt?"

Ah mean there's jokes then there's personal attacks. Oh. an' while we're on that subject - it called "Insult Comedy". Y'know whit that means, right? That said quote, unquote, "insult", will be meant in such a way that it's funny. And not meant tae offend or upset. Unless ye take umbrage to it. Mibbe ye might huv clocked that if yur IQ surpassed yur shoesize, an' ye read the book, eh? Or mibbe if ye hud a wee think afore ye opened yur big mooth. Make sure yer intentions wi' the jokes clear. Instead uh being a cunt. Because it's no' jist the context, it's the intention behind the words, innit?

Coz ye never know what's gan on in somebuddy else mind as yur tellin' a joke you thinks funny. Anyway...

Sorry! Just felt the need tae rant aboot this obscure subject and popular comedy subgenre. Mainly because am started tae see why some comedy critics hate it. Ah mean, ah still love insult comedy, when it's done right.

Just tae make sure ma conscious is clear from where ah stand on this, when it comes tae risqué jokes. Just been feelin' unsure aboot daein' thae kinda jokes, recently. Anyway...

We'll get back tae the daft jokes, dark humour. "Bleak comedy", if ye will? :giggle: And the funny stories. Aw that'll be back soon, ah promise. Oh, and playin' up the auld Scottish accent fur aw the Americans of the female persuasion. They lap that up, so they dae, don't ye? ;)

Though the "funny" could subjective n' debateable wi' me... Since, at times, ah seem mair like an aggressive, shouty, mad, mental f**ker wi' a torrent uh swearwords n' sarcasm.

Oh-kay, ah've rambled on e-f**kin'-nough fur today. F**kety-bye!
:greeting: Take care uh yerselves. :)
Huv'nae really got anythin' interestin' or funny tae say? Feelin' depressed n' irritated the noo. :sad: Fur reason ah will'nae go intae coz it's borin'. Ah be surprised if ye dinnae lose the will tae live, tae be honest. Listen tae me - talkin' an' mumblin' in an accent ye can barely comprehend, in a deadpan tone. Well, that whit ah sound like...

Although, ah could tell youse a few mair longwinded, drawn oot - (nae illustrations, though. Just word, sadly) - true stories fae ma school days. Ah mean, if ye dinnae mind a bit uh swearin', downwright offensive language and a bit uh violence and general awkweirdness on ma part? ;) Coz am a clumsy eejit!

Well, ah take back whit ah said intitally - ah like that word. Mainly because it contains the word "tit". :giggle: Anyway, ah do huv summit tae say it's jist that ah cannae be arsed and am too lazy tae type, at the moment. F**k! Even this is takin' mair effort than usual. :rolleyes:
Shit! Piss! Wank! C_nt! F**k! Eejit! Arsehole!

Sorry aboot that. Contray tae whit ye might think ah dinnae huv coprolalia - which is the involuntary swearin'. It's closely linked wi' tourette's syndrome. Anyway, ah don't know whit tae effin' well talk aboot? :idontknow: Ah mean, ma life currently is a f**kin' shambolic mess. Which is an even bigger f**k-up than the Leveson Inquiry and Iraq War Inquiry combined. Oooh! Topical satire - Yes! Get it up ye!

And there's nae comedic value in me sayin' how much ah genuinely f**kin' despise a certain person or group of people, is there? Wouldnae want tae seem like angry, bitter, miserable cunt, would ah? Well, ah um, but that isnae really the point here, is it? The point is: Just because ye huv a cunt, that doesnae gee ye the right tae f**kin' act like yin. Awright? There's ma twisted philosophcally take on life in general. Don't worry am aware that am usually wrong - which bothers me not a jot.

Ah should probably stop these psychotic ragin' ramblings, shouldn't ah? It's either that or stop talkin' tae masel'. Hullo, by the way. Probably should've said that at the start, but it's too late fur that noo.

Anyway, don't worry, am vaguely awright. Ah say vaguely since am questionin' things a bit too much fur some other cunt's liking. But enough aboot ma family... Let's get back tae the funny stories, eh? Coz folk seem tae enjoy them. Well, ah assume that the case. Whit ah lack in personality, ah make up fur wi' the screwy Celtic accent n' a deranged sense uh humour. That wuz jist fir ma amusement, y'know whit ah mean, like?

Right ah no' confuse ye anymair. If ye huv'nae heard ma voice afore, this is whit ah sound like. Oh, aye, am one of very few people wi' the ability tae convey ma accent via text. It's a gift and curse - a bit like an unplanned pregancy. Ooooh! Since ah over step the mark of taste and descency, ah'll f_ _ k off!

The day ah lose ma sick sense uh humour is the day ah get sectioned up the f**kin' Mental Health Act. Though, readin' this back tae yersel', you'd be right in think "Ya probably should be, ya daft cunt!" Did ah no' jist say ah wuz gonnae f _ _k off, yet am still here. That weird, innit? Ach, well, got tae give you f**ker sunmit tae read, don't ah?

Anyway, hope ye hud a wee chuckle at ma expense? Guffawing, like yur huvin' an asthma attack. Aye, there's actually jokes in ma writin' - did ye spot them? :bigsmile: Hopefully ye didnae accidently choked tae death while read this and eatin', simultaneously (in other words, at the same time). In which case, it's no' like ye can f**kin' sue me, is it? It wuz yer ain fault.

Anyway, that enough talkin' shite fur yin day. Settle doon n' brace yersel'... Yer gonnae be here fur a few days, jst read this post in and of itself.


Well-known member
Hey-so glad to see ya still posting on your thread!

I am debating doing one, too. Probably be all curse words like yours!

Now I will go back and read on this a bit. Is it helping you at all? Hope so! I actually have a private one that I vent on for real. It's pretty ugly.
Hey-so glad to see ya still posting on your thread!

I am debating doing one, too. Probably be all curse words like yours!
Git tae fu...! Like curse words are gonnae shock me. The word "f_ _ k" is used like a comma here in Scotland. And the c-word! Faint at will. Ah hope yer no' offended by the word "Catholic"? :bigsmile: (Bet ye didnae exact that, eh?) Or "Kaff-lik", as it's pronounced by the nasally voiced Scottish youths who wanderin' aboot in their hoodies and Burberry caps.

I actually have a private one that I vent on for real. It's pretty ugly.
Ugly or not, it's guid tae vent yer emotions. Ma rants on here must make me seem like ah've got very well-timed tourette's. But then, ah also Scottish - Aye, like ye huv'nae noticed that afore. American lassies seem awfy fond uh complimentin' me fur some reason - so ah've got as guid an excuse as any. Ah mean, ah'd love tae visit America, but it'd just be awkward.

Y'know, like, fae the minute ah open ma mooth tae speak: aw the men'll be lookin' at me slightly bewildered. Like
. And American women.... Well, let's just say, if yer wearin' a pad ye should be awright ;) And naebuddy'll understaun a word! Sorry, ah dinnae really filter ma thought process - even when am thinkin' - ah just say it maist uh the time. Ye see, Scottish folk... We huv a tendency just blurt stuff oot, sometimes. Which, if gets a laugh, aw the better.

Now I will go back and read on this a bit. Is it helping you at all? Hope so!

Is it helping me? Oh aye! So far, so guid. Mind you... ah don't know if ma converstional / storytellin' style is become to drawn oot and boring? Or mibbe, it's just me? In that, once ah start typin' ah dinnae really pause, or know when tae stop. Kinda like if ye were tae meet me in real life.

"Hullo! Ye awright? Aye, am no' bad, masel'. Blah-blah-blah-blah... Eh, whit wuz ah talkin' aboot there?"

Not sure which direction am goin' though. Coz the Sat Nav (GPS) isnae workin' properly. (If ye think that bad, try livin' wi' me fur a month)

Oh-kay, get back tae ma actually. Ah huv'nae actually concluded the school stories yet. There's a wee moral aboot bullyin' still tae be told. It'll will'nae change the world, but it might be worth hearin' it written in this screwy dialect?

Though, how ah got the bullyin' to stop wuz a bit extreme? Ponderin' where tae describe the altercation ah hud in the school playground, wi' three lads who were taller than me, a few months older, and one wuz the older brother of a lassie who just happened tae be in same class as me.

Short version is:

Taunts + Racism + A provocative "What'cha gonnae dae, eh?" moment = A captive audience. Then I, eh...

Still want tae hear how this story goes? Spoiler alert: The story might only be funny tae me. Since ah wuz there at the time

* Whit um ah like wi' aw these jokes, eh? C'mon Graeme, be serious for once, ya daft cunt! Ah know am awfully funny or mibbe jist awful? Ah cannae really gauge yer reaction coz ah cannae see ye. Right ah stop noo... Coz ah cannae think uh anymair funny things tae say.

Hullo, by the way.[/I] :greetings:


Well-known member
What happened? Gawd I want to pound them in the face for you but that wouldn't be too lady-like...

I laughed a few times reading all that ya know, you are really a funny guy with a good heart and don't let anyone tell you any different!!

Keep up the posting on ur journal here. I promise to read it and I will be here for you if you need a friend anytime please know that *hugs* ya!

pm when ever you feel low!
but, Don't feel low damn-it!!! ha easier said I know.
I laughed a few times reading all that ya know, you are really a funny guy with a good heart and don't let anyone tell you any different!!
:inlove: Awww, thank you. Kinda difficult tae keep that in mind at all time, but ah'll do ma best. :inlove:

Keep up the posting on ur journal here. I promise to read it and I will be here for you if you need a friend anytime please know that *hugs* ya!

pm when ever you feel low!
but, Don't feel low damn-it!!! ha easier said I know.
Oh, ah'll keep posting as long as ah huv summit tae say. And yer welcome to message me if yer feelin' low as well. Ah know we shouldnae, but... Inconsiderate arseholes an' cruel-minded cunts cannae seem tae grasp the concept that word hurt n' huv consequences. Especially if yer being rude toward other people.
What happened? Gawd I want to pound them in the face for you but that wouldn't be too lady-like...
Haw-haw! Yer gonnae laugh, seriously. Wait til ye hear this....

So... me and a few uh ma classmates whom ah got on quite well with (Steve, Scott n' Douglas) are just standin' in the playground, chattin away, watch the other kids play football. We're aw leaning against the steel barrier that cordoned off the school car park.

When these 3 lads come up, 2 of them ah knew (Scott and Bobby), and start pick on me. Douglas goes "C'mon, jist leave um alane, eh?"

Ah walk away, but walk to the centre of the tarmac, which wuz just this big wide square. And because the primary school wanted to keep the glass playfield, the decided to tarmac around instead of pittin' doon the same big square paving stone used for walkin' around the protacabins. If that makes sense?

So, am just pacing back and forth, starin' at ma feet. When the 3 lad approach. Scott is wearin an Adidas tracksuit top, got a skinhead haircut. Bobbie is this tall lad with short curly hair, who's wearin' yin uh them puffy jackets - he looked like a right bellend. And third lad, well... He wuz jist fat!! (And, also, hud curly hair)

They're aw laughin' at me: "Hehehe, look it um?" Mocking the way ah walk. Aw, they're lappin' it up, so they 're. Then Scott says: "See if ah hit you, will you hit me back...?" Ah respond with "That depends if ye hit me"

His mates are laughin', tell him to go for it. So he goes to punch me but stop a few inches from ma face. Ah step back, he smurks and laughs. And then he goes: "C'mon then! Whit ye gonnae dae?" He pushing me, nearly knocking me off balance. Then, he sucker-punches me in the chest. Follows that up spittings on ma face an' callin' me a "paki". Ooooohh!!

Ah wipe his spit from ma cheek, and go: "You [email protected]" They're aw laughin', then Scott goes: "Awww.... whit ye gonnae dae - cry?"

Well... ah just snapped! Ah grab his left arm and bend it back in a Fujiwara armbar submission hold. Basically ah've got him like this:

^ Except instead of being on the ground, ah've got Scott down to one knee. And he starts screaming: "Ahhh, ma airm!" Ah go: "Ye dinnae say anythin' aboot me defendin' masel', did ye?! And I am pissed off....

He's whimpering: "Ma arm, ma arm...!" And I then go: "Aw, hawd yer wheesht! Folk are startin' tae stare. If ye stop strugglin' ah might let ye go, awright?" He just nods, desperating try tae hold back the tears.

Then ah yell very loudly at Bobby who backed away the moment ah grapped Scott's arm: "Right! Here's whit..." Ah don't finish this sentence because out of my peripheral vision, ah see the fat lad raising his right fist. And ah am full aggressive, shite Scottish as this journal's name suggests, at this point.

"Wur you gan tae hit me?! C'mon ahead, then. Just coz ah got a hawd yer pal here. Doesnae mean ah cannae still drop 'em and beat the shite outta you. Now... back-off fatty! Unless ye want yer pal here tae end up wi' a broken arm!"

Bobbie is pleading wi' me at this point tae let Scott go. Ah go: "And, eh, why should ah do that, then? In case ye forgot, youse three started this! Ah mean, ah'd see yer point if ah done this...." (My right knee + Scott's ribs = Ouch!) "...When he asked me tae hit um, but ah dinnae, did ah?" Am still hoping stop in this armbar, glarring at the fat lad, when ah say: "Okay, say sorry" The fat lad goes: "Sorry..." Which prompts me tae go: "Eh... ah wuz'nae talkin' tae you, wide-load!"

So then, calmly but terrifyingly: "C'mon, say sorry and ah'll let ye go..."

Scott, in tears by this point, says "Ye promise?" Ah say: "Aye, if you apologies". "Ah, am sssorry", he stutters through the sobs.

I rather cruelly follow-up with: "Whit for...?" I look at him like I haven't a clue what he's on aboot. He then says: "For, uh, pushin' ye..."

"Punchin' ye..."
"Callin' ye a paki..."
"Huv ye no' forgetten anything? Ah think ye huv"
"And sssorry... fur spittin'... in yer face!"

"Okay, ah let ye go now!"[/I] And ah drop him to the tarmac, and land in a heap, grettin'. Ma face is red at this point, am still ragin'. Am like f_ _kin' Francis "Franco" Begbie outta Trainspotting at this point, y'know the bar fight scene.

Ah yell: "Yur no' laugh now, are youse?!" Ah square up tae the fat lad. Get right in his face and ask: "Still want tae hit me? Then come ahead!" He step pack, I push 'em then ping his right ear. "Your turn, lard arse! Oh, wait, ah'll even make it easier fur ye - ah shut ma eyes!"" Which ah do. I am just goadin' them at this point. "Whit ye wait fur...? Hit me! Didn't think so!"

Bobbie is still standin' a few feet away, he's near to where ma mates are still standing. But then, am oblivious tae the fact aw eyes are on me, stunned silence. And it mair tense than the ending in showdown scene of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

"Hi Bobbie! C'mere a minute, ah want a word wi' you!" He just stands there, motionless - as if the soles of his shoes huv melted intae the tarmac. Ah lose ma patient with him and go: "Look... ye can dae this easy way and git yer arse over here. Or the hard way, ah march over tae you. Your choice! Hurry up, ah huv'nae got aw day!"

Bobbie tentatively makes his way towards me. Am standin' over Scott, who still sniffingly and teary-eyed is clutch his left arm.

"It's not so funny when yer on the receiving end, is it?"

Bobbie just stares at his shoes, avoiding eyes. You would anaw, because ah wuz livid.

"Whit ye lookin' at yer shoes fur? 're yer laces untied?"
Bobbie mutters, almost inaudibly: "Naw..."
"Sorry, didnae quite catch that! Speak up..."
"That's better! By the way, ma face is here, ya [email protected]! Look, see? So look me in the eye when ah ask ye summit!"

After a short pause then go: "Ye see that?!" Pointin' at Scott, who's still on grun. Greetin' his wee heart oot. Ah say, still because time seem to have stood still. Between the start of provocative altercation and my violent psychotic response. Or... :idontknow: Mibbe it wuz the eerie silence that wuz still lingering. Ah mean, it wuz so quiet ye could hear a deaf person sneeze.

But ah digress... Anyway, upon being asked ma rhetorical question, Bobbie stares at his pal on ground. If he didnae shite himsel' at that point. He was aboot tae get a helluva fright that might make um do so...

Because ah go: "See that, ah did that! Y'know why? Because asked for it. Get a good look, take it aw in!" Bobbie looks at me, at his pal, then back at me. Am jist starin' at him the whole time, deadly serious. Not crackin' a smile for even a moment. And if the sight of what ah'd just to his pal didnae make Bobbie shite his breeks. Whit ah did next certain should huv done.

Ah grab Bobbie by his puffy jacket, pull him close tae me, so ma face is just millimeters fae his own. And ah chillingly state the following. And this is verbatim word fur word:

"Right! You better listen tae me coz ah'll say this only once! See if you EVER, push, punch, spit on me or say anything racist again, like yer pal did. Ah'll do tae you, whit ah did tae him. Mibbe worse? So next time, use yer heid! Or ah'll use mine an' break yer nose! Do ah make masel' clear?!" :bat:

He's like: :eek: Noddin' his heid. "Ah, ah, ah, eh.... aye!"

Ah let go of his jacket and attend tae his pal, still layin' on the ground. Ah go: "Right, Mackenzie, up ye get. C'mon, baldy breeks. Here, ah'll help ye"

Ah extend ma hand but he doesnae take it. He's concerned ah've broke his arm: "Ah think you've broke ma arm!" "Well, if ah hud, you'd huv screamed loud enough tae be heard in Dumfries! It's no' broken, coz ah could've snapped yer airm off afore you realised ah'd done it!"

Ah tell him tae get up coz folk are still staring. But again, he just lies there. Until ah say: "Unless ye want kicked in the baws, git up! Awright, penality shoot-out at Ibrox Stadium it is then..."

"No, no, no! Ah'll git up, ah'll git up"

"Fine, huv it your way... Help him up, would ye?"
, nodding to Bobby and the fat kid. They do, as requested and help their batter friend to his feet. And as the two others help the so-called "Tough cunt" to his feet, I goad them for a finally time: "Hi, lads! Ah dare ye tae tell a teacher aboot this, see if yin'll believe ye!". After I utter this, I laugh-out-loud.

Ah look at the people on the football field, lookin' at me in stunned disbelief. and withoot a hint uh irony say: "Awright folks, shows over nuthin' tae see here"

Ma friends and fellow classmates, Scott n' Dougie, who watched this prolonged beatdown occur, approach me, speechless at what just happen. Steve is still standing by the barrier. Douglas just goes: "****in' Hell!"

Scott goes: "Where'd that come fae?"
"Ah thinks that's been buildin' fur years, it's no' coz uh them, either"

Scott then asks if am awright. Ah look doon at ma hands and am trembling, shakin' like a leaf. Ah just matter uh factly go: "Nut, am no'!" and as they led me back tae where Steve is, I just slumb against the barrier, slide now, knees in ma chest and breakdown in tears. I look up to see the three bullies that ah just roughed up and mental tortured, walk wounded. "What da f_ _k're youse lookin' at?!", ah snap.

"D'ye think they'll tell a teacher on me?"
Douglas chims in immediately: "Eh, efter what you did tae them - nae chance!"
Ah sigh then "Guid". And the four of us huv a wee laugh at ma relief.
^ So, the moral of that long-winded, boring story is this: DON'T F_ _ K WITH A SCOTTISH PERSON! Especially one that's been bullied from a young age. Just don't, because we make even The Incredible Hulk look like a f_ _kin' crybaby.

Oh, and tae reinforce that point, as if it needs it. Watch this clip of what happened during a concert by Scottish/American rocker Garbage, back in 2012.

Shirley Manson Gets Angry

There's a reason the Scottish accent is consider the toughest accent in the world. And by tough, ah mean intimitating. From zero to psychotic as quickly as you can say "Ethiopia's Next Top Model" - ah knows sounds so wrong. But wi' ma accent, those word said in that order just sound funny. Feel free tae take offense at that last bit... it wuz in poor taste, wasn't it?
Eh, jist wonder aboot summit...

Is it wrong to laugh at yer own jokes? Just questionin' ma sense uh humour, lately. And whether or not ah go too far, at times. Or if ah've just got an odd sense uh humour. Or should ah just keep in mind that humour like music is subjective? Ah mean, ah won't go oot ma way tae be really offensive, unless ah doing it to make a point.

Why am questioning this now, havin' watch a lotta comedy from a young age, ah huv nae idea. :idontknow: Well, ah do, but will'nae go intae detail, it's a bit too personal. Mibbe am questioning it because comedy has seem be through some difficult times in ma life, like with music, and helped when ah've felt depressed.

Feel free tae chim in on this, gimme yer take on what ah jist said. Or um ah jist over-thinkin' as per usual?
I know, that previous post about me gettin' bullied makes me look bad. Still regret it too this day. :sad: Because I over-reacted.

Probably shouldnae huv posted that. Sorry... :eek:h:


Well-known member
I really think that post is fantastic.

Because I wished it was me who had the guts to do it.

On the positive side you are aware of that you over-reacted, and that makes you a nice person.

But if I ever meet you I will be very very careful. :)


Well-known member
I love Shirley Manson!

I think your sense of humor is great, and you kick *** too!:applause:

I was so lucky to have never been bullied in school. I often forget that. Being a girl it was easier to be a "shrinking violet" and no body would mess with you. Some guy tried to attack me once while I was cutting school and I fought back and he left me alone, that is the extent of it for me but that was scary-wasn't expecting that ****ing ***** to do that to me when I saw him walking down the street towards me in a good neighborhood too, in broad frigging day light!

It's good to write this stuff out. Maybe it will help someone else, too, get the courage to stand up to these sub-humans that roam our planet in too great a number.

*I owe ya an email back btw

Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight!!!! I will be rooting for you!