Och aye the noo

Okay, awright... Hiya. Did y'all miss me?

Sorry aboot ma long absence - there's summit ma dad never said tae me. :ironicsmile: Ah know, ah probably shouldnae really laugh at that, but then am a dark, wee soul. Anyway, the reason for it, wuz that ma older sister n' her husband made a somewhat short, spontaneous, impromptu visit. She's movin' back to Ireland, her husband's fae Belfast. So... ah will'nae see her again until March, around the time o' ma birthday.

Anyway, to recap ma life story so far... Ah wuz born. :bigsmile:

It's been weird growin' up when yer mixed race. Mainly because yer caught between 2 very different cultures. Or in ma case, 2 cultures that see things from a certain perspective - polar opposites in many way. Sure, am proud tae be Scottish, but ah've got indifference tae ma African heritage, somewhat. Mainly because the acknowledge o' bein' half black came from the racial slurs said tae me everyday at school. The whole thing of "That person's different from us, he's not like us. Why is he talkin' the same way we do?!" :confused:.

Ah mean, yer gonnae standout when ye look like:


Thanks fur the compliment, Marie. Ah was just gonnae say the same. :bigsmile:

But that hair... :eek: :eek:mg: Ah actually grow ma hair out the year after that photo. Aye, that's right, ah hud an afro. Though, it was more like Richard Pryor than Jimi Hendrix. Not that am complainin'.
Ach, away n' bile yer heid!

No, nae kilt... Sorry aboot that. Well, no' unless some cunt's gettin' married or it's a funeral. Plus, ah think ah'd look weird in a kilt. In fact that would be weird. Well, withoot the Graham tartan sash, y'know. And ah'd look like ah've hud heid transplant. Not tae mention gettin' odd looks fur wearin' 3 socks. 2 tae keep the auld feet warm and yin fur... y'know. ;)

Ah suppose ah could wear the sporran on the inside, cover the meat n' two vegs. :ironicsmile:

Am weird enough, what wi' the built-in sun tan, y'know. Mind you that's the great thing aboot being half Scottish n' half Africa. Too bad ah hud tae be born in country wi' such a shite weather climate. We point oot the fact it's rainin' - "Look at that rain, you'd get soaked gan oot in that!" Yet we partly moan when we get a bit o' sunshine now n' again: "F**kin' roastin' oot there!" Ah love the fact Scottish folk tend tae state the obvious.

Ramblin' on noo... Ah'll stop. Hope ye understood aw that, aye? Itstartstaebecomeaweebitincoherentefterawhile Geez, Scottish dinnae half talk quickly? Of course, we rarely notice that because we couldnae care less. :giggle: Just daein' that fur ma ain amusement. And tae show how ma posts would be a lot harder tae read withoot me puttin' aw the space inbetween words.
So, eh, what d'ye want me tae talk aboot? D'ye want tae hear the rest o' ma life story? Just askin' coz am no' sure which direction ah should take this thread. No' sayin' there's isnae any laughs in being bullied, coz there is... Naw, naw! Seriously, there is - especially when ye make some other cunt look like a right eejit. Whit can ah say, ah wuz a cheeky wee prrrick when ah wuz a wee lad.

Got a few other stories tae tell - aw true, by the way.

Basically, long story - d'ye want me tae continue wi' ma like story? Ah will, like, ah wuz just wonderin'. And ah dinnae want tae bore ye tae death!
Hiya! Ye awright, aye? Oh-kay... So, ah've kinda thought long n' hard aboot sharin' ma school bullyin' experience. Mainly because it's a depressin', personal, and somewhat borin'. But, f**k it! Why no', eh? It'll be quite therapeutic... cathartic 'n' aw that. And there's nuthin' better than a guid story, is there?

So, carryin' on fae where ah'd left off, right. Y'know me talk aboot how ah stood oot. Well, the first few months o' primary school were awright, y'know, the settling in period. But then the bullyin' started efter comin' back from the Christmas holidays. Also, ah hud decided no' tae cut ma hair - so ah walkin' intae the school playground in January 1994 wi' a curly haired afro! Nae word o' a lie, a Richard Pryor style afro hairdo! But then, ah also wouldnae exactly be oot o' place in a 70s funk band.

Ah didnae really pay much attention tae gettin' stared at in the playground. Aye, ah was brown-skinned, walked oddly because o' the cerebal palsy n' hud an afro!

Though, this group o' older lads thought it'd be a right guid laugh tae start makin' fun o' me, relentlessly. They must've been in Primary 6, if ah recall correctly? This fat, chubby lad, Robert, his brother Michael, aw ah can remember aboot him wuz that he was quite tall. They weren't twin or anythin', ah didnae see any resemblance, anyway. And these other 2 lads; Craig - a narrow eyed kid wi' spiked-up blonde hair. And this tall, lanky [email protected] wi' a mop-top hairdo, glasses, and goofy f**kin' teeth. Not sure if it's quite tellin' that ah can remember the exact names ah got called?

  • N*%"#^! (Y'know that racial slur that an anagram o' the word "Ginger")
  • N*%"#^-lips!
  • Paki (In retrospect this yin is ironically funny, you'll see why in a moment)
  • Spaz
  • Spastic
  • Mong

^ Ah know, harsh. Ouch! How d'ye describe be called a racial slur for the first time. More tae the point d'ye respond. Even ah hud tae go "Eh, whit?!" :confused: at bein' called "N*%"#^-Lips". But then ah wuz'nae the only mixed race kid at ma primary school. There wuz also Cameron, who wuz in the same year as me for much of primary. And Hassan, this Indian lad who's parents moved to Scotland for work reason, but he moved primary school after the 2nd year of primary school because his dad got a job in London. Anyway, ah digress...

The racially abuse would mainly happen durin' the school internal in the playground, or at the end of the day, as ah wuz walkin' hame with ma mum. Me and Cameron got it a lot, but we just ignored it, mostly. But then, one day ma oldest sister came to walk me home, as ma mum had fell and broke her leg. And ma mum usually met me at the school gate at the end of the day. Anyway, ma sister hears Robert yellin' this racial abuse as Cameron stormed past us, pissed off.

She asked "Does he yell at you anaw?".
Ah go, "Aye..."
She then follows up wi' "Whit does he say, like?"
"N***er, paki, n***er-lips"
She goes: "But there's nuthin' wrong wi' yer lips!" We both laugh at how absurd the insult wuz.

She tells me tae tell a teacher next time it happens, so ah did. They gave the usual "Just ignore it" Balls! Next day, same abuse fae Robert n' his brother as ah walk home wi' ma sister.

"Is it still happen? Did ye no' tell a teacher?"
"Right, see the morn, ah'll come n' pick you up in ma car. We'll start daein' that fae now on"

Keep in mind, Robert wuz this big, fat, chubby lad. Nae stranger tae a f**kin' pie n' chips, if y'know what ah mean? ;) Jeffrey Dahmer could've made a 3 course meal oot this cunt n' only eat half o' 'em. (Don't worry, the jokes don't get any worse, or bettter than that)

So, ma oldest sister shows up wi' her car, just efter 3pm. Also ma older sister's sittin' the back. Ah get in pissed off, near tears.

Ma oldest sister goes "Whit's wrong?"
"He still callin' me those names"
Ma older sister, who's also mixed race like me, goes: "Who?!"
Ah go, "See that big fat yin? Aye, him"
Ma older sister, sittin' behind me in the back, rolls doon the passenger window 'n' yells: "Hi, you! Huv you been pickin' on ma wee brother!"

Robert turn roon confused n' goes: "Me?" Ma older sister is aboot ready tae kick the shite oot o' 'em right. Because she's wuz a black belt in karate. Ma oldest goes: "Right, settle doon, we dinnae want tae make a scene. Ah'll get this sorted" She goes n' get the headmistress who give Robert a right auld row. Robert starts protestin' that "Ah didnae dae anythin'..."

Even that didnae stop the bullyin'. So, sorta accidently, that when ma love of comedy started. Scottish humour, in particular. Which might been considered bad parent on the part o' ma muther. Y'know given the swearin', and Scottish comedy can be quite dark, at times. Not exactly summit ye expose tae a 6 year old, but there ye go.

Ah remember goin' to a one-man show by Scottish actor John Cairney at the Little Theatre in Lockerbie, just this wee amateur theatre that mostly did plays. It wuz'nae far fae ma hoose, actually. Just oot the back door, short walk doon the path n' across the street. Sadly ah don't remember much o' that night. It was just anecdotal stories aboot Cairney's days playin' the theatre circuit in Glasgow - the Pavilion, Citizen Theatre n' the Glasgow Empire. And some Robert Burns poetry readings, as it wuz Robert Burns Day. Ah hud this wee book o' Burns poem, which Cairney signed, because me n' ma mum met him after the show. Ah can still remember Cairney's surprise at hearin' ah wuz sittin' the audience that night. He actually said tae me "Christ, if ah'd known you were in the audience, you'd huv been up on stage wi' me. You're probably the youngest person ah've hud in ma audience"

John then apologies tae ma muther, sayin' "Aw, Gawd! An' ah wuz swearin' like anythin' up there. Sorry!" Ma mum goes: "Naw! It's awright, ah let 'em watch Rab C Nesbitt... If he doesnae hear swear words now, he will eventually"

* Rab C Nesbitt was this Scottish sitcom, set in Glasgow, aboot this alcoholic, workin'-class Glaswegian who wore a string-vest n' a tatter business suit. And the character swore quite a bit, particular the use o' the word "[email protected]". As well as seekin' unemployment as a lifestyle choice. The show also delt wi' subjects that weren't exactly encountered in sitcoms. Y'know stuff like alcoholism, Neo-Nazism, cancer, STDs. But it wuz aw done in a blackly comedic fashion. No' tae mention, some killer one-liner putdowns.

But ah digress... Yur no' bore shitless yet, 're ye? :idontknow:
So, anyway... Huvin' armed wi' the new found appreciation fur Scottish humour, ah set aboot defendin' masel'. Oot smart the buggers. Git masel' intae a bit o' bother. Coz ah wuz a cheeky wee [email protected] once ah started tae talk back...

Ye see bullyin' can huv a positive side. Aye, sure it f**ks wi' ye mentally, geez ye trust issues. Makes ye weary o' people in general. But it's does help ye develop a quick wit so sharp ye could huv some cunt's eye oot if yer no' careful.

Though, lookin' back on the years o' school bullyin', ah wish ah hud the wit and intelligence tae say: "Ha-ha, ya gromless [email protected]! You just fail geography" in response tae gettin' called a "Paki". And the impact o' that racial slur would've lessen hud ah the knowledge that "Paki" meant "Pride" in Hindu. Because then the phrase "You look like a Paki - hehehehe!" Translates tae "You look like one who has pride in one's self"

Ah mean it wuz bad enough being pick on from a racial standpoint, mockin' ma physical disabilty just made things worse. Though, tae be fair, ah did talk back when ah got an insult thrown ma way. Ah remember one day Robert and his pals said summit tae me, and ah just responded wi' "Shoe lace!" Rob goes "Eh...?!" So ah said it again, he looks doon at his shoes. Then ah say "Ha-ha! Made ye look!". And walk off... Aboot 5 steps ah took before this huge [email protected] grabs ma school bag n' slams me against the wall, ah scrap ma elbow.

"D'ye think yer funny, ya paki, eh?" :veryangry: Am thinkin': He's gonnae kick the shit oot o' me here Then ah say, "Well, he laughed" Pointin' tae one of Robert's pals. Then Gerry, this ginger haired lad who wuz in the same year & class as me shouts at Rob tae leave me alone. So Robert back aways fae me, just starin' at me, narrowed eyes. Starin' as much tae say "Next you'll no' be so lucky". Gerry, then notices that ma elbow's bleedin', the scrap hud lifted a bit o' skin fae ma elbow. So he takes me tae see the school nurse tae get that seen tae. Ah lied n' say ah'd tripped n' fell, much tae Gerry sayin' ah should've said what actually. But ah didnae mainly because ah didnae want Robert findin' oot ah hud grassed on him n' telt another teacher on 'em. Given that he was bigger than me in terms of body size n' age, ah didnae stand a chance in a fight wi' him.

So, against ma better judgement ah continued the talkin' back - because it wuz better than physical violence, but that came later. Just casually respondin' "Aye..." rather indifferently, whenever somebody insulted me. Ah also decided tae cut ma hair a year after growin' the afro. Mainly because ah got fed up wi' kids walkin' up tae me n' askin' "Is that a wig?" Then laughin' in ma face.

Oh, in the summer of 1997, when ah wuz around 9 years old, ah went wi' ma mum & oldest sister tae visit ma uncle, Billy, down in London. And upon hearin' that ah liked the same sitcom, he gave me the complete first series of Rab C. Nesbitt on VHS tapes. So, ah'd watch them pretty frequently. The series took ma mind off the fact ah wuz bein' bullied at school but also gave me some great one-liner tae use as comebacks tae insults.

Ah remember one time this lad, Ryan, who wuz just a couple o' years younger than me yells at me from this hill. Oh, aye, there wuz this wee hill, just off tae left-hand side o' the tarmac football pitch. Kids would usually sit n' eat their crisps during school break or roll doon it & get their primary school uniforms in a right me. White shirt, red tie. Big mud n' grass stains on the back & on the side.There wuz also grass football pitch, but that wuz mainly used durin' the summertime.

Anyway, this wee tubby lad yells tae me: "Oi, paki, you look like shit!" He must've found this hilarious coz he wuz the only one laughin'. In response, ah say: "Why is that funny?"[/I] His response being: "Because yur a paki"

So ah prolong this encounter by goin': "Really...?! And...?!"

"...You look like shit!" :sarcastic: What a numpty...

Ah respond wi' "And that's funny, is it?" . Tryin' tae get tae why he think that insult's so funny, but gettin' naewhere. Finally, ah give up tryin' tae get an answer oot o' this eejit and say: "See you... Talkin' tae you is like listenin' tae a broken record!" He take umbrage at what ah just said and goes: "You wantin' a fight?!", as we walks down towards me fae the hill. Ah shrug ma shoulders n' go: "Not really..." :idontknow: He get right in ma face n' goes: "C'mon then..." And shoves me, nearly knockin' me off balance. So ah go: "Don't you shove me!" and shove 'em back, he falls tae the ground, onto paving stone. Because there was a path that went all the way around the tarmac football pitch. He get up runs n' takes a punch, ah step oot the way, put ma foot oot, he's goes flyin', hits the ground again, scraps his left elbow n' starts cryin'.

Some of ma classmates come up tae me n' go: "You'll probably get in trouble for that". Ah go: "Ye think so? But he started it!" Luckily, ah never got in trouble since naebody telt a teacher what hud happen.
Oh, the bullyin' didnae stop at just being pushed aroon, being called racial slur. Ah wuz tripped, made fun of because o' the way ah walked. Frequently heard "Duh, duh, duh!" if ah walk past some eejit who found hilarious. Primary school, eh - great wasn't it?

Oh, aye, during the summer o' 1998, part of Lockerbie Primary got burnt doon. Ah can still remember ma sister drove me n' ma mum tae huv a look. Because we thouhght it wuz a piss take at first. Until we saw it on local news. So we got doon there. A "Don't Cross" yella tape barrier, just as ye go roon the side o' the school tae the tarmac football pitch. Ma classmates see me n' run up tae me yellin' "YES! Extended summer holiday! Whoa!! Easy! Easy!" :bigsmile: There wuz rumour that it wuz a older sister o' a fellow pupil that hus started the fire. But anyway, me n' ma classmates spent the last couple o' years of primary school in portacabins. 2 classes in the one portacabin. Toliets just as ye went in the main door o' the portacabins.

Though, they hud manage tae slavage the rooms for Primary 1 though 3, and the headmistress' office. And school gym, which also served as as the school cantinee and assembly hall.

Also, by age 10, that wuz when ma peer group hud discovered the Glasgow football teams Rangers n' Celtic. Infamous for their heated rivalry and violent brand of alcohol-fuled religious sectarianism & bigotry.

But bein' 10 years old, ye don't really know anythin' aboot that. So we decided tae the split between Ranger n' Celtic supporters would be gender based. The lads aw supported Rangers n' the lassies aw supported Celtic. Ah mean some o' them geniunely did support these teams. Though, now that am older it's somewhat ironic, Given that the Celtic supporters are mainly Catholic. And the Rangers supporters are mainly Protestants. Which, last time ah checked, wuz'nae exactly gender specific. And unlike the supporter of those famous team, we couldnae riot efter a match if oor team lost. :giggle:

"Whit tae d'you support?" Efter a while ah got fed up sayin' "Rangers" aw the time. Ah'd pick other Scottish football teams, much tae the annoyance o' the lads. "Eh, Aberdeen. Naw, Motherwell. Hibernian. Dundee United". Coz further away fae Glasgow, ye didnae risk a hospital visit just for meerly statin' which football team ye supported.
Things sorta started tae changed when ah wuz 10 years old. Ah hud a few good friends, Gerry, Scott, Douglas and Steve. Aw fellow classmates. Though, Douglas n' Scott were a right laugh. Scott, this ginger-haired, freckled faced lad. He'd do anythin' for a laugh. Same wi' Douglas. Though, Douglas spoke wi' a slightly nassally voice - which made him aw the funnier. He wouldnae be oot o' place in Glasgow anyway, that for sure.

Ah mostly remember the latter years of being at primary school because they were the funniest. Especially in Primary 7, oh Christ! That year wuz a laugh, we hud the same teacher as the previous year. So she hud gotten use tae me n' most o' the girls being well behaved. The rest o' the lads - it wuz very much inmates runnin' the asylum! But ye hud tae laugh, ye couldnae help it. Like when ma pal Scott came back fae his summer holiday in America, he'd went tae Florida. He'd annoy the teacher by the writin' the date on any of his work as "Month/Date/Year" as opposed tae UK way of writing it - ie. "Date/Month/Year"

Aside fae Scott n' Douglas, there were quite a few class clowns in ma class. Danny, who - I'm not makin' this up - was the spitting image of Rowan Atkinson, the comedian best-known for portrayin' Mr Bean. Frank, who wuz funny but could fly off the hand in a rage, sometimes. And another Ginger-haired lad from Belfast, named Richard. Anyway, ah remember we hud 2 subtitute teachers. This young wummin, who was aboot mid-to-late twenties. We're that oot o' control the day she was fillin' in, the class sent her runnin' oot the portacabin in tears. :bigsmile: Poor wummin!

Another time, the class hud this other subtitute teacher for a few days called Mr Smith. Or "Mr Sniff" as the class aw nicknamed him because ye could hear 'em, rather loudly inhaling through his nose everytime he took a breath. And he was going bald on the top of his head. Hud a beard. Wore glasses and hud a lazy left eye.

Anyway, Douglas wuz bein' quite disruptive during this subtitute teacher's first day. Shoutin' oot, talkin' back. So much so, Smith yelled at him, and ah mean f**kin' yells. Scared the shit oot o' the rest of class. Expect the ones known for muckin' aboot. They were in hysterics. Well, we were aw in hysterics when Mr Smith moved his desk directly, in front of Douglas' desk - Douglas, Scott and another lad, Alan, they all hud seperate desks. The rest of us were grouped together.

Anyway, this subsitute teacher is sittin' just inches fae Douglas. And Dougie starts gettin' irritated by this. "Sir, would ye please stop starin' at me. Yer puttin' me off ma work here" The class starts gigglin', because we've aw notice the lazy eye. And Dougie goes: "Well, he is!".

Oh, then, Douglas just snaps... And he goes: "Stop f**kin' starin' at me! D'ye fancy me or summit?! Eh?!" The whole class cannae contain their laughter. :lol: Then, tae make matter worse, the Northern Irish lad, Richard chimes in with: "Aye, he does Dougie! He wants tae shag you senseless. Don't ye, sir?!" ;) And whinks at the teacher and Douglas. Douglas responses wi' "Aw, just shut the f**k up, Richard! Ya d**k!"

Richard stays quiet for a wee minute. Then he starts moanin', right. Going: "Uh.... Uh... Uh!" Then he bangs his hand on the table n' goes: "Oh, Douglas, Mmmm... harder!!" At that, everybody just losin' their ability tae contain the laughter. Douglas get up and turns round. Richard then gets up n' goes: "Aw, ye wantin' a fight? Come right ahead". They start throwin' punches. And Scott n' another classmate Frank break it up. Richard n' Dougie get sent oot tae the wee corridor inbetween the classrooms, where the cloakroom's located. Richard standin' the ootside the door of the classroom, Douglas standin' at the door of the classroom next door.

It's all quiet because we've been given lines to as punishment, the whole class. Until we hear Douglas angrily sayin' tae the teacher next door: "The teacher sent us oot here. Where um ah supposed tae gan?" Then Richard turn to face the door of the class, as there wuz a window on the door, so ye could see intae each classroom. And Richard starts makin' faces. But only the grouped desks facin' the door could see 'em doin' this.

He's mouthin' the word "Wanker" and noddin' in the direct of Mr Smith. Some sittin' behind me are laughin' until someone tells on Richard. Mr Smith opens the door and asks Richard what he wuz doin'. Richard goes: "Nothin' sir. How, did someone say ah was? If so there lyin'!" Hahaha! Good times.
You should write a book. It's fun to read and very interesting.
D'ye think so? It'd be a right [email protected] tae edit, though? Ah mean, despite the comparison that somebuddy made on here aboot ma writin' being a bit like Irvine Welsh - ah cannae see that comparison masel'. Whilist ah appreciate the compliment, ah don't think ah huv the discipline or ideas required tae write a book.

Plus regional dialect writin' issues. Can ye imagine some cunt at a book publisher in London readin' a manuscript o' ma first draft? :eek: Ye need this f**kin' thing handy afore ye get tae end o' the first page:

^ Handy if ye ever want tae visit Scotland.... But no' much else. :sarcastic:


Well-known member
Oh, I wouldn't dream of editing your writing. It's perfect the way it is. As for understanding the words, that's something that the reader would adapt to as the story progresses, much like learning a language by being around people who speak it.


Well-known member
I will come back here and read more of your journal! I like your sense of humour and the way you express yourself.