Hiya! Ye awright, aye? Oh-kay... So, ah've kinda thought long n' hard aboot sharin' ma school bullyin' experience. Mainly because it's a depressin', personal, and somewhat borin'.
But, f**k it! Why no', eh? It'll be quite therapeutic... cathartic 'n' aw that. And there's nuthin' better than a guid story, is there?
So, carryin' on fae where ah'd left off, right. Y'know me talk aboot how ah stood oot. Well, the first few months o' primary school were awright, y'know, the settling in period. But then the bullyin' started efter comin' back from the Christmas holidays. Also, ah hud decided no' tae cut ma hair - so ah walkin' intae the school playground in January 1994 wi' a curly haired afro! Nae word o' a lie, a Richard Pryor style afro hairdo! But then, ah also wouldnae exactly be oot o' place in a 70s funk band.
Ah didnae really pay much attention tae gettin' stared at in the playground. Aye, ah was brown-skinned, walked oddly because o' the cerebal palsy n' hud an afro!
Though, this group o' older lads thought it'd be a right guid laugh tae start makin' fun o' me, relentlessly. They must've been in Primary 6, if ah recall correctly? This fat, chubby lad, Robert, his brother Michael, aw ah can remember aboot him wuz that he was quite tall. They weren't twin or anythin', ah didnae see any resemblance, anyway. And these other 2 lads; Craig - a narrow eyed kid wi' spiked-up blonde hair. And this tall, lanky b@stard wi' a mop-top hairdo, glasses, and goofy f**kin' teeth. Not sure if it's quite tellin' that ah can remember the exact names ah got called?
- N*%"#^! (Y'know that racial slur that an anagram o' the word "Ginger")
- Paki (In retrospect this yin is ironically funny, you'll see why in a moment)
^ Ah know, harsh. Ouch! How d'ye describe be called a racial slur for the first time. More tae the point d'ye respond. Even ah hud tae go
"Eh, whit?!" 
at bein' called
"N*%"#^-Lips". But then ah wuz'nae the only mixed race kid at ma primary school. There wuz also Cameron, who wuz in the same year as me for much of primary. And Hassan, this Indian lad who's parents moved to Scotland for work reason, but he moved primary school after the 2nd year of primary school because his dad got a job in London. Anyway, ah digress...
The racially abuse would mainly happen durin' the school internal in the playground, or at the end of the day, as ah wuz walkin' hame with ma mum. Me and Cameron got it a lot, but we just ignored it, mostly. But then, one day ma oldest sister came to walk me home, as ma mum had fell and broke her leg. And ma mum usually met me at the school gate at the end of the day. Anyway, ma sister hears Robert yellin' this racial abuse as Cameron stormed past us, pissed off.
She asked
"Does he yell at you anaw?".
Ah go,
"Aye..."
She then follows up wi' "Whit does he say, like?"
"N***er, paki, n***er-lips"
She goes:
"But there's nuthin' wrong wi' yer lips!" We both laugh at how absurd the insult wuz.
She tells me tae tell a teacher next time it happens, so ah did. They gave the usual
"Just ignore it" Balls! Next day, same abuse fae Robert n' his brother as ah walk home wi' ma sister.
"Is it still happen? Did ye no' tell a teacher?"
"Aye"
"Right, see the morn, ah'll come n' pick you up in ma car. We'll start daein' that fae now on"
"Awright"
Keep in mind, Robert wuz this big, fat, chubby lad. Nae stranger tae a f**kin' pie n' chips, if y'know what ah mean? Jeffrey Dahmer could've made a 3 course meal oot this cunt n' only eat half o' 'em. (Don't worry, the jokes don't get any worse, or bettter than that)
So, ma oldest sister shows up wi' her car, just efter 3pm. Also ma older sister's sittin' the back. Ah get in pissed off, near tears.
Ma oldest sister goes
"Whit's wrong?"
"He still callin' me those names"
Ma older sister, who's also mixed race like me, goes:
"Who?!"
Ah go,
"See that big fat yin? Aye, him"
Ma older sister, sittin' behind me in the back, rolls doon the passenger window 'n' yells:
"Hi, you! Huv you been pickin' on ma wee brother!"
Robert turn roon confused n' goes:
"Me?" Ma older sister is aboot ready tae kick the shite oot o' 'em right. Because she's wuz a black belt in karate. Ma oldest goes: "Right, settle doon, we dinnae want tae make a scene. Ah'll get this sorted" She goes n' get the headmistress who give Robert a right auld row. Robert starts protestin' that
"Ah didnae dae anythin'..."
Even that didnae stop the bullyin'. So, sorta accidently, that when ma love of comedy started. Scottish humour, in particular. Which might been considered bad parent on the part o' ma muther. Y'know given the swearin', and Scottish comedy can be quite dark, at times. Not exactly summit ye expose tae a 6 year old, but there ye go.
Ah remember goin' to a one-man show by Scottish actor John Cairney at the Little Theatre in Lockerbie, just this wee amateur theatre that mostly did plays. It wuz'nae far fae ma hoose, actually. Just oot the back door, short walk doon the path n' across the street. Sadly ah don't remember much o' that night. It was just anecdotal stories aboot Cairney's days playin' the theatre circuit in Glasgow - the Pavilion, Citizen Theatre n' the Glasgow Empire. And some Robert Burns poetry readings, as it wuz Robert Burns Day. Ah hud this wee book o' Burns poem, which Cairney signed, because me n' ma mum met him after the show. Ah can still remember Cairney's surprise at hearin' ah wuz sittin' the audience that night. He actually said tae me
"Christ, if ah'd known you were in the audience, you'd huv been up on stage wi' me. You're probably the youngest person ah've hud in ma audience"
John then apologies tae ma muther, sayin' "Aw, Gawd! An' ah wuz swearin' like anythin' up there. Sorry!" Ma mum goes:
"Naw! It's awright, ah let 'em watch Rab C Nesbitt... If he doesnae hear swear words now, he will eventually"
* Rab C Nesbitt was this Scottish sitcom, set in Glasgow, aboot this alcoholic, workin'-class Glaswegian who wore a string-vest n' a tatter business suit. And the character swore quite a bit, particular the use o' the word
"b@stard". As well as seekin' unemployment as a lifestyle choice. The show also delt wi' subjects that weren't exactly encountered in sitcoms. Y'know stuff like alcoholism, Neo-Nazism, cancer, STDs. But it wuz aw done in a blackly comedic fashion. No' tae mention, some killer one-liner putdowns.
But ah digress... Yur no' bore shitless yet, 're ye? :idontknow:
