Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

That is a freaking ugly school you went Graeme, so much concrete.

An' that photo's jist the ootside. :bigsmile: The inside wuz, arguably, worse. But, y'know, ah've got some guid and bad memories o' ma school days. Mostly bad, but hilariously nonetheless. Well, except fur the bullying... But that's jist a part uh school life, innit? Or, at least, it wuz when ah wuz younger.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah wuz thinkin' aboot postin' summit meaningful the day. Y'know a thought or an insightful comment that might be uh some help tae youse, but...

Plus, it's no' like ah've got anythin' interestin' or worthwhile tae say. Coz, well, ah'm borin'.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah wish ah could feel at ease in a social settin', but ah dinnae - will ah ever? Ah jist feel so oot uh place, awkward and like ah shouldnae be there ataw. Plus, ah dinnae see whit pushin' masel' oot o' ma comfort zone does fur me? When ah'm usually worried aboot makin' a fool uh masel', sayin' the wrong thing or offendin' folk. Ah think ah'm better on ma ain wi' naebuddy tae bother me, it's no' aw that lonely once ye git comfortable bein' on yer ain.

Mibbe yin day, ah'll be confidence and sure o' masel' tae be social? No' the noo, though... Need tae work on a lotta things. An' ma life's been a uphill struggle since birth - steep as f**k, ah tell ye...* :bigsmile:

* Maist uh these jokes're jist fur me, really - and ah'm no' that funny. Honest. But then again, ah'm writin' this journal fur masel', first and foremost. Whit youse take away frae it, is up tae you. Laugh. Cry. Think. Then laugh again, hopefully...

Right, ah'm gonnae be really vulnerable and share another story wi' ye. So, pour yersel' a wee dram and git comfy in yer tartan slippers...

 

[Hoppy]

Just curious, is it that Lockerbie?

 

[Graeme1988]

Here's an entry frae ma hand-written journal, which ah wrote 2 years ago.

Just tae see if ah'm a decent enough writer or no'.

Anyway, this could be shite or, at least, better than reading a Stephanie Meyer novel (just kiddin')

Saturday, April 16th 2011

Something really happened yesterday as I was walking down the path from ma house tae ma sister's car.​

As I'm walkin' doon the path, I see two lassies - a blonde and a brunette - approachin' frae the opposite direction. For a moment my line of sight drifts towards ma feet - for of habit - then back to focusing on ma sisters car, which parked just short of my next-doot neighbour's driveway, near a tree.

Anyway, the two girls appeared to be in their late teens, I'm guessing - 17 or 18 years old, at least. And their chatting away, well, at least they are until they fix their eyes on me. I've stop short uh enterin' ma sisters car, completely zoned oot. Unaware of ma surroundings. Oddly enough, the two lassies huv came to halt just next tae the tree. Time seems tae be standing still at this point.

We're stood there rather awkwardly, checkin' other oot. Or it wuz mair the opposite way roon, really. Ah break the silence wi' a wee nod and say "Hi". The two girls giggle and say "Hi" in response.

Eventually, after what seemed like forever, ah git intae ma sister's car. Then it drawned on me that she'd been watching this akward scene unfold the whole time. How embarrassing. As I close the passenger door, the two girls cross the road, steppin' in front on ma sister's car, lookin' at me and gigglin' tae themselves. At that moment, I start laughing to mysel'. My sister did too, no' surprise given how awkward ah um wi' the opposite sex.

"Did ye see them checkin' you oot, eh? That brunette lassie couldnae take her eyes off you"​

Ah jist agreed, because, well... she wuz'nae exactly wrong. :shyness:

 

[Graeme1988]

Just curious, is it that Lockerbie?

Aye, it is... Ah'll say nae mair aboot that reference. Coz it's too grim an' awfy depressin'.

 

[Graeme1988]

Whit else should ah talk aboot...? :thinking: Cannae really think uh anythin' interestin'. Usless yer wantin' mair stories frae ma school days? Or me makin' a total eejit o' masel' as ah caw them. mg:

 

[Graeme1988]

Been feelin' rather depressed an' doon, lately. :sad: Y'know jist gittin' fed up, huvin' ma family force things upon me aw the time. Nuthin' new because when ye come frae a family like mine that expects ye tae be a certain way, yer bound tae be turn intae a neurotic, indecisive, insecure person.

Coz ye see, whenever ah say "No" tae summit, or that ah dinnae want tae do summit - the reason fur ma refusal need a justifiable answer. "Ah cannae be bothered" isnae enough...

In retrospect ah dinnae think ah even made a single decision in ma life - y'know that affected me long-term, except droppin' oot uh high school. But even that wuz mair doon tae ma inability tae cope wi' the pressure of huvin' tae git a certain exam grade. And ah dinnae cope well under pressure.

 

[Graeme1988]

Seekin' happiness in materialism will'nae make ye any happier. Aye, sure, it'll make ye happy fur wee while. If anythin', it jist take yer mind off yer problems. Though, huvin' said that, who doesnae like tae binge watch DVD boxset uh their favourite TV shows?

Although, daein' summit creative can help, equally, when yer feelin' doon or depressed. That if ye can be bothered tae git off yer arse. Ye huv tae be in the mood tae be creative, ah suppose.

Och! Ah'm jist ramblin' on, ah'mn't ah? mg:

 

[Graeme1988]

Awright, folk... Though, ah'm no' askin' yer actually awright, ah'm sayin' "Hullo".

Anyway, ah've no' been daein' too well, lately. Depression an' anxiety gittin' me doon. Plus, ah've lost ma self-confidence. Naw, there's nae joke comin' here, ah honestly feel ah've no' got any confidence in masel'. Ah wish ah did - f**k cun ye imagine, eh? Mibbe then ah wouldnae be a borin' as ah um. Plus, ah also feel that ah'm no' as funny as ah use tae be - wonderin' if ah've lost ma sense uh humour? Which is awfy depressin', so it is.

Nae idea where this post's gan, by the way, but ah'll jist keep typin' anyway. Ah mean... Unless yer gittin' bored uh hearin' me haverin' on - sorry, ah've been listenin' tae The Proclaimers lately. :bigsmile:

Och, ah don't know... Ah feel weird yappin' aboot ma feelin's - but ye got tae vent somewhere, don't ye? Dinnae worry, though, ah'll git back tae tell ma wee, slightly amusing stories, eventually. Though, ah don't which story frae ma life tae share wi' ye next?

• Mair embarassing high school stories?
  ​

​

• Or that time ah vaguely remember gittin' shit-face drunk when ah wuz 14?​

• Or, eh, a cautionary tale of why ye should and shouldnae sit in the front row of a stand-up comedy show​

 

[MollyBeGood]

My vote-

More cute pics of you looking happy

 

[Graeme1988]

My vote-

More cute pics of you looking happy

Oooh, didnae think uh that yin, Molly. :thumbup: Gittin' bored uh ma stories, eh? Ah'm jokin'...

There's a few photos fae concerts ah've been too, where ah look cute n' happy. Should ah upload a few, aye? :shyness:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ye awright, aye? Guid, that's whit ah like tae hear.

So... Well, ah guess ah should probably gee youse a wee update as such... No' much tae report, really. Jist got back frae the hospital in Dumfries - got another set uh botox injections in ma right calf and hamstrings. Back uh ma calf's bleedin' a wee bit.

Eh, thinkin' aboot gittin' referred fur surgery tae help correct things wi' ma cerebral palsy - it's nae cure, like, but might be worth it in the long run. Y'know, insteed uh gittin' the botox aw the time. Ah'll probably git the surgery sometime next year. Coz it's a big decision and ah've got plans already made this year - plus ah dinnae want tae miss the Edinburgh Festival.

Aside frae that, ah'm f**kin' knackered, tired as f**k. Ah laid doon fur wee kip at 8 o'clock yesterday evening. Coz ah couldnae keep ma eyes open, and ah didnae want tae faw a sleep sittin' a chair. Mind you, ah'd been up since half-past seven that day. So, just thinkin' tae masel' that ah'll huv a nap fur aboot an hour, then git up, pyjamas on, clean ma teeth then back tae bed.

But whit dae ah gan and dae...? Sleep... fur 12 hours straight! Aye, ah banged up at 8am this mornin', wearin' same t-shirt, boxer-shorts n' trooser ah hud on the previous day - sober ah might add. :bigsmile:

Anyway, ah'll post again soon, hopefully. Old photos or mibbe a wee story, ah don't know. We'll see, eh? :thumbup:

 

[Graeme1988]

Bin feelin' really doon lately... :sad: Ah dinnae really know how tae pit intae words how ah'm feelin' exactly. Which is both shite and kinda ironic when ye think aboot it. Ah don't know, ah feel... Kinda like ah'm always on the ootside lookin' in, y'know whit ah mean? Ah suppose that feelin' huz a lot tae dae wi' ma physical disability in many ways.

Sorry, if ah'm jist ramblin' on, ah tend tae dae that a lot when ah'm jist thinkin'. No' really got much else tae say, really. Och, it's awfy depressin'... The things're the noo, ah don't know. Jist got tae git on wi' it, ah suppose, and cope as best ye can.

Sorry again, ah'll git back ma usually self soon, hopefully.

 

[Hoppy]

on the ootside lookin' in,

I understand that.

For me it is as if there is a world and I am just looking through the windows to it. On occasion I talk to someone through a window, but then it gets shut in my face. And the only way to get in there is through a door but I do not know the code but everybody else does.

 

[Graeme1988]

I understand that.

For me it is as if there is a world and I am just looking through the windows to it. On occasion I talk to someone through a window, but then it gets shut in my face. And the only way to get in there is through a door but I do not know the code but everybody else does.

Couldnae put it better masel', Hoppy.

 

[Graeme1988]

Never get drunk unless yer willin' tae pay fur it - the next day.

^ Good advice, in theory, innit? Too bad ye tend tae forget that - and many other thing - when pourin' pint efter pint doon yer neck. Though, tae be fair, ah gave up drinkin' no' long efter ah turned 14. Whit? Dinnae be so shocked by that revelation, when ah wuz 14 ah looked older anyway... And who in their right mind refuses a drink when you, yersel', huv'nae paid fur it, eh? A few folk, aye well... That's fair enough.

There ye go, eh - some much need entertainment value fur youse lot, eh? Or jist me ramblin' on - or talkin' shite - dependin' on how ye look at it. Made aw the funnier by the fact that maist uh youse 're readin' this in ma Scotch accent - probably huz a lot tae dae wi' the fact ah cannae stop masel' writin' in Scots dialect noo. If so, ah'm like this:

It'd be a wee bit weird if ah started tae use proper word again, wouldn't it? No' it wouldnae. Anyway, ah'd best be offski... Huv'nae got anymair words uh wisdom tae share wi' youse. :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Feelin' fair happy the day, which is weird. Coz, eh, ah wuz actually gonnae talk aboot summit quite serious and a wee bit emotional. But... Och! It cun wait fur f**k sake. Ah'm gonnae enjoy being happy fur a change, even if it's jist fur a wee while. :brindis:

 

[Graeme1988]

Och, well, that me back tae ma dour, weary self - well, kinda.

On the plus side ah've got a ticket tae "The Big Yin" Billy Connolly on the first night of a 9-night run of stand-up show in his hametown, Glasgow. F**k

. Ah cannae wait.

Nuthin' mair tae report in terms uh updates, really. But then again, ah feel as though ah dinnae really huv much tae say. Well, nuthin' o' any relevance. :idontknow:

Don't know whit else tae talk aboot... :thinking: Ah would bore ye if actually hud summit tae say or ah'd make ye laugh if ah hud summit funny tae say.

Och! Ah don't know, bin huvin' a crisis o' confidence, lately. Self-doubt an' aw that other pish that comes wi' that. Which isnae good... But ah've always kinda hud nae confidence in masel', except fur times when ah've hud tae stand up fur maself.

Though, retrospectively ah've been thinkin' aboot ma life up tae this point, and... Ma biggest regret huz tae be no' persuin' ma creativity - mair tae the point, writin' - as a potential career. Coz, as somebuddy on here telt me recently, ah've got talent (apparently).But the way ah look at it is that ah've got more potential than talent. But mibbe that's jist me sellin' masel' short? Or mibbe ah've let whit those teachers telt me durin' ma 3rd year uh secondary school git tae me? And ma dad anaw, he didnae approve uh me being aw that creative either.

Coz ye see me, - ah know ye cannae, but that isnae the point here... - ah dinnae think ah'm aw that bright, tae be honest. Dimmer than dimmer switch - that me. Plus, ah dinnae think ah've got the, eh, imagination or mair importantly, the discipline tae be a writer. But then again, neither does [insert famous author name here]. Y'know who ah'm talkin' aboot, right? E. L. James *cough*. Sorry, got a wee tickle in make uh ma throat there. Ah did huv it when ah wuz a wee lad, aboot 10 years auld - gie me a pen or a pencil ah'd be off writin' or drawin'. And ah wuz quite guid, tae - oh aye!

Anyway, ah'm offski coz ah jist bletherin' like a total dafty, so ah um.

 

[Graeme1988]

Hiya, folk! Aw, Christ! Here we bloody go... Me bletherin' on aboot nowt fur twa hours! Much tae yer amusement

Anyway, whit's been gan on wi' me lately. Well... Ah've hud a haircut the other day. Ah need it anaw. Ma hair wuz gittin' awfy long, so it wuz. Oh, and ah shave ma beard a wee bit. Dinnae shave aw off coz ah think ah look uglier withoot ma beard fur some reason. Mibbe it due tae me bein' quite a hairy wee basturd? Ah'm no' sure. But then again, ah've always been quite insecure aboot ma physical appearance. Ah mean, no' tae the extend that ah walk aboot wi' broon paperbag ower ma heid, but y'know...

Ooops, ah probably should explain why ah've suddenly decided tae gie it laldy wi' the auld Scots dialect, lately. Though, it might bored ye tae death? Whit um ah talkin' aboot - that's why maist uh youse read ma posts, innit? :bigsmile:

So ah've decided tae start readin' again. Ah wuz'nae daein' it too much, recently coz ah hud stuff tae dae, ye see.

So, ah've been readin' this book Scots: The Mither Tongue by Billy Kay:

It's basically a history of Scots and Gaelic languages an' aboot Scotland's cultural identity, of which oor native languages play important role. There's nae gittin' away frae that fact. As well as the whole debate as tae whither Scots is as an actual language - which it is. And a unique yin at that. Does that make me a nationalist? As incomprehensable as Scots might seem tae some fok, especially those no' frae Scotland. Anyway, the book's definitely an interestin' an' enlightening read thus far.

Ah wuz actually gonnae hunt oot another book aboot disability discrimination in the UK that ah'd bought a year ago an' actually read it. But efter ma oldest sister fun oot ah'd bought it, she talked me oot uh readin' it - the bitch! :thumbdown: