Och aye the noo

[shyflower]

Aww, sorry tae hear yer also goin' through a
I'm like that ye see, not one tae verbalise how ah feel, a lot o' the time because ma words usually git misunderstood or misinterpreted. Either way ah git told how ah feel is wrong.

I feel misunderstood most of the time. I think people hear what they want to hear over 95% of the time and if they choose not to listen to anything that we say then the problem is put back on us because those who are not listening do not want to take any blame for anything they have said. We are left with the guilt trip and it is all our fault.... and that is soooo wrong for them to make us feel that way. People do things like that to make themselves seem perfect and that they can do no wrong.

 

[Graeme1988]

I feel misunderstood most of the time. I think people hear what they want to hear over 95% of the time and if they choose not to listen to anything that we say then the problem is put back on us because those who are not listening do not want to take any blame for anything they have said. We are left with the guilt trip and it is all our fault.... and that is soooo wrong for them to make us feel that way. People do things like that to make themselves seem perfect and that they can do no wrong.

Aye, doesnae make reach out fur help any easier... Anyway, ah'd better try n' git masel' oot uh this downward spiral o' depression. Writin' usually helps, so git on it and tell youse the rest o' that story, ah wuz tellin'...

 

[Graeme1988]

Right so... Tae recap, ah wuz tell youse aboot the night me and ma best friend at the time, Scott, got totally steamin' drunk at ma cousin weddin' reception.

Should ah jist carry on fae where ah left off? Aye, why no', eh?

So, ah've got ma pint, and ah'm jist braggin' aboot the fact ah just got serve at the bar tae Scott. Because earlier that night he said ah wouldnae git served.

Then, here's where the evening gits aw blurred-eyed and ma memories git a wee bit muddled...

Ah'm sittin' quietly enjoyin' ma second pint of the evening, Scott's still on his first, when these 2 blokes come up an' introduced themselves. This big, tough bloke wi' tattoos on baith arms, wearin' a red vest and denim trooser. And his pal who was lanky bloke with a mop-top hairdo and hooked nose. He's wearin' a light blue t-shirt similar tae the yin ah wuz wearin'. And if ah recall correctly, he wuz wearin' denim trooser anaw. Both, I'd guess, we're in their late 30s, early 40s.

Now, unfortunately - due tae a lack of brain cells, ah only remember the name of yin o' them. Davey - the tattooed bloke in the red vest, who wuz relate tae me somehow, but don't remember cuz uh the alcohol ah consumed that evenin'. But, anyway, me and Scott spent good few hours listenin' tae his stories and his daft jokes. Aw, we're huvin' a guid laugh...

Davey actually remind me of ma cousin Richard in many ways. Gift uh the gap, great storytellin' ability and a twisted sense uh humour. Anyway, efter we'd hud aboot aw we could take of Davey's hilarious jokes and stories, Davey challenged me or Scott to a game of pool. Not because we'd suddenly got bored of Davey's stories or jokes, it wuz jist tae give the laughter a wee break - though that didnae last long.

So, the stipulation of this pool game being that if either me or Scott accepted the challenge, and we lost, we'd huv tae buy Davey and his friend 2 rounds uh drinks and vice-versa. Scott accepted the challenge coz he wuz that kinda guy who liked a challenge and would dae anythin' fur a dare, especially if it meant gittin' a laugh.

Y'know how ah said the laughter only hud a wee break? Well, when Scott got up walk over tae the pool table and grab the cue, Davey says, half-jokingly: "F**kin' hell... How aul' are you, twelve?" Ah start gigglin', Scott gits a wee bit defensive. Then he tells Davey he's fourteen.

Davey goes: "Fourteen? Aye, right. Ye look aboot twelve. And yer nearly the same height as that pool cue yer hawdin'."​

Ah've lost it at this point, heid on table, desperately tryin' tae suppress a huge laugh...​

Davey then goes tae me: "Graeme? How aul' is he, really?"​

Ah regain ma composure tae answer the question. "He's fourteen, same age as me"​

Davey and his mate, look at me fur a moment narrow-eyed, whisper tae each other then Davey says: "Naw, naw... You're no' fourteen. Nae way" His mate adds that "Ye look aboout eighteen". Ah say thanks fur the compliment but ah tell 'em ah'm really fourteen. We finally settle this debate by tellin' em the year we were both born.

So, Scott wins the pool game meanin' we git 2 pints each fur nuthin'. Yesss! At this point mair hilarity ensues when Davey's pal asks us whit we want fae the bar:

"A pint", we both say simultaneously​

"So that's yin pint and whit did you say ye wanted again?", Davey asks Scott​

"A pint", Scott replies, with added emphasis​

Davey friend then chips, askin' Scott if he wanted a can of Irn Bru instead. But Scott adamant on the pint​

Then came the line ah still remember tae this day...

Davey friend then says, jokingly: "How no'? Ah thought you'd like Irn Bru because it matches yer hair colour?"​

Ah cover ma mouth and start laughin' tae masel'. Davey looks at me then tae Scott and says: "See, he got it" The in-joke being that Irn Bru is ginger. :bigsmile:

Scott does gan in the huff, but is slightly pissed off, tellin' Davey's pal tae f**k off. They go: "Whoa! Easy, we'll git yer pint" And they go buy us our first round. Ah apologies tae Scott fur laughin', but that Irn Bru joke wuz very funny.

Davey and his mate bring me and Scott our first round uh drinks, and two fro themselves:

"There ye go lads. Git them doon yer necks"​

"Cheers" :brindis:​

By this point, I am wasted. And Davey informs me that there's group uh lassies aw starin' at me from the booth on the opposite side uh the room.

Ah go: "Eh...?!" Davey then repeats whit he jist said, leaning in and whisperin' in ma ear.​

"Them lassies in the other booth opposite us are checkin' you oot. Gan talk tae them. Goan, away n' chat them up"​

"But ah'm too pissed tae enagage in a conversation"​

Then this blonde haired lassie walks over tae our booth. Ah greet her wi' "Awright". She whispers in ma ear that her friend fancies me, and that she fancies me anaw, and walks back tae her booth. Davey smirks and says: "Well... Goan. Yer in, she fancies ye"

We reccount what jist bin said tae me tae Scott. And Scott - self-confessed "ladies man" - walk over tae these lassies and starts tryin' tae chat them up. Davey wonder why ah didnae stop 'em. And ah go: "Jist watch, you'll git a guid laugh..."

So Scott walk over tae them, aw confident, sure of himself. If I recall correctly opening line was somethin' to the affect of:

"Awright ladies. Ah hear youse're wantin' a shag, fancy a threesome?"​

The lassies start laughin' at Scott. The one of them replies "Pffft... Aye, right!", disgusted at the notion. But Scott was'nae givin' up, just makin' the lassies feel akward. That is until the blonde haired lassie who came over to me beforehand, spoke up and says, rather loudly: "F**k off! We're rather shag yer pal" And throws the remainder her drink in Scott's face. Scott called her a "F**kin' bitch!" and walks away. A thrawn look on his face.

A big "Way-hay!" cheer and laughter errupts at our side of the room. Davey shakes ma hand and goes: "Congratulations, you've pulled!" To add to his humilation, as Scott makes his way to the booth we've bin occupyin' aw night, Davey's pal says: "You are the Weakest Link..." And in unison with him, me and Davey go: "Goodbye!"

 

[Graeme1988]

As Scott sits down, arms folded, and a frown on his face. Ah drunkenly go: "Thanks, ah wuz gonnae gan ower there an' chat them up masel', but ah dinnae huv tae noo... See, it's look afore personality. And you're ginger so... Y'know...?" Ah cannae remember if it wuz after ah said this, that Scott up and left to annoy one of ma cousins for a while. Ah know that happen at some point during the evening.

Ah do remember that ma cousin Tina hud tae help him make his way to the toilet, which was jist oot on the landing, at the top of the stairs. Because he wuz too pissed tae stand up and walk proper. As is tae be expected when ye drink mair than the 2 drink minimum reccomended amount of alcohol. :bigsmile:

The joke there being, there's no "2 drink minimum" in Scottish pubs. Ye jist drink til yer too pissed tae stand or ye start a fight an' git flung oot on yer arse.

Near the end uh the night, ah'm slumbed, half-sleepin' in the booth, Scott staggers back intae the lounge area, havin' puked his guts oot in the toilet. When aw of a sudden, the girlfriend of one of ma cousins shout me over tae her booth.

"Hey Graeme?!"​

"Aye, that's ma name! Whit is it?" This gets a laugh from her friends and group of lassies who fancied me, sittin' in the next booth. They said hello to me. Ah jist responded wi' "Awright ladies" and ah gave them a wee nod in acknowledge, which made them giggle.​

So, ma cousin's girlfriend has called me over to settle the "How old d'ye think he is?" question, which got asked of me a lot durin' ma teens. There's stunned disbelief at the revolution from her and friends that ah wuz only fourteen at the time.

"You bin drinkin'?", one of them asks.​

"Aye, but dinnae tell ma muther", ah reply, puttin' ma finger to ma lips​

Then ma cousin's girlfriend goes: "Christ, you're hands're f**kin' massive Look at them? F**kin' hell...", she says drunkenly. Puttin' her hand up against mine.​

Then ma mum and oldest sister walk up tae me, tellin' me that mum was ready tae leave, and if ah was goin' too. Ah agree. Ma mum tuts at the fact I'm drunk and asked how many drinks ah've had during the night. Too which, ah respond with:

F**k (burp) knows. Sorry, ah cannae remember - ah lost count. It was'nae like ah wuz payin' fur them"​

 

[Graeme1988]

^ Oh, ah jist remember a slightly insignificant detail aboot that story which ah forgot tae mention...

So, eh, as we're gittin' ready tae leave ma cousin's weddin' reception, ma pal Scott fell doon the flight of stairs. Awright, so here whit happened, right.

We're nearly sleepin' in the booth we pretty stay at aw night. Heids on the table, eyes barely open. Ma mum helps me git ma jacket on because ah've huvin' great difficult tryin' tae git ma left arm intae the sleeve.

We're basically like this:

Anyway, me and Scott graciously stagger toward the landin', legs aw ower the place. Then ah go:

"Wait there, ah'm away fur a pish! If yer, eh, gan... doon the stairs. Mind and hawd ontae the banister"
"Aye, awright...", Scott replies rather dismissively.
"Right..."​

Ah take a few steps back intae the lounge area to ask ma cousin Tina tae remind me where disabled toilet is, when aw o' a sudden ah hear Scott yellin'

"Whoa, f**kin' hell!"​

As he stumbles on the stair, then an almighty thud as hit the flair. Ah peek ma heid roon the door tae see Scott, lyin' in a heap at the bottom of stairs, groanin'.

"How... How'd ye manage tae git doon?!", ah said, drunkenly. Scott jist groan in response​

"Ye awright, aye?!"​

"Aye"​

Ma mum and oldest sister wonder who ah'm talkin' tae, and ah said:

"Eh, jist Scott. He's lyin' at the bottom uh stairs"​

"How'd he managed that?"​

"Aw that, he, eh... Fell doon the stairs. But he's awright" :bigsmile:​

"That's no' funny". Ma mum didnae exactly approve of me laughin' at Scott's expense.
​

Ma older sister decided tae stay at the reception a wee bit longer, so ma mum says we'll jist gan and Susan - the oldest sibling - would pick her later.

So, anyway, ah gingerly ma way doon the stair tae hotel's main doors, hawdin' ontae the banister like ma life depended on it. Coz ah didnae want tae make the same mistake Scott did. Ma cousin Tina helps Scott up, helps him to the car.

We git intae ma sister car, and we're so oot tae it, we cannae git oor seatbelts on properly. So efter some help fae ma sister, we're baith strap in. And head of hame, sleepin' fur maist uh the journey.

Ma mum decided tae let Scott stay over, since drop him off at his parents, completely shit-faced, wouldnae exactly go doon well.

So finally arrive at ma house. But ah take longer than usually tae git oot ma sisters car because ah've forgot ah've still got ma seatbelt on. Anyway, ma sister helps Scott the car, and ma mum helps me. Both uh them supportin' as we made oor way tae the front door.

We git in the hoose, and ah git ready fur bed, slowly gittin' ma pyjamas on. Scott jist opted tae sleep in his boxer-shorts. Noo, qt the time, ma bedroom hud bunk-beds in it, but Scott wuz clearly to worse fur wear tae climb the ladder. So ah gan up the ladder half-way, and pull the mattress and sheets doons, so that Scott could sleep on the flair, comfortably.

Scott basically slept the moment his heid hit the pillow. Ah finally managed tae sleep efter ah turn ontae ma side, cloutin' ma heid on wall wi' such a thud that mum shouted tae ask if ah wuz awright.

Thankfully, neither o' us vomited in the middle uh the night. Though, did wake up briefly tae see Scott lyin' on matress. His feet were where his heid was when he laid doon and his heid was at the bottom uh matress hingin' off it.

We woke at aboot 11am on the Sunday and hud our breakfast with typically Scottish hangover cure - a can of Irn Brn. Ah, of course, woke up hungover and a sore heid coz ah clouted ma head again. This time off the underside of the buck-bed above me, which, ah cun assure ye, hurts like f**k!

Noo, if there a moral tae that story ah jist telt ye it'd be... Drink responsibly. :sarcastic:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ye would think the thought uh gan tae the Edinburgh Festival tae see some stand-up comedy would be summit that ah'd be happy aboot, wouldn't ye? Especially efter 5 years uh no' makin' the treck up tae ma nation's capital fur it's annual month-long orgy of music, books, dancing, theatre and comedy. But ah'm strangely indifferent aboot it, which is an reaction. Ah'm almost dreading it, tae be honest.

Bin feelin' awfy depressed, lately. Nae energy, nae interest in daein' anythin', loss uh appetite - the typical signs. Naebuddy tae talk to... :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah'm no' daein' too well the day. Feelin' awfy sad and depressed. Which is ironic coz ah've got some much tae look forward tae this month. :sad:

Ah wish ah didnae feel the way ah do most o' the time. Ah used tae be happy, why the f**k did ah let folk bring me doon ower the years? :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Och, well... Ah'd better start gittin' ready tae gan oot. Cannae been arsed, if ah'm honest.

But ah've got tae git oot the hoose noo an' again.

Ugh, an hour-long journey tae Edinburgh - not ma idea uh fun, ah cun tell ye.

 

[Graeme1988]

Sorry, nae hilarious or vaguely amusin' stories fae me the day, sadly.

Ah think ah've jist pissed ma older sister off wi' ma lack o' enthusiasm for the fact ah'll soon be an uncle. Apparently ah must "spoil" her new offspring. It seems ah'm forever doomed tae pit other people happiness ahead uh ma ain. That's me - "People pleaser extraordinaire". Because, as ah found oot the hard way, pittin' yersel' and yer ain needs first in ma family means yer a selfish c*nt.

Ah don't feel particular close wi' ma family. Always felt like a constant disappoint for not fittin' in wi' them. Ah'm very much the black-sheep uh ma clan. Awright, that's enough vunerablity fur yin. Look ah'll probably elaborate further on ma feelings. But not jist noo.

 

[Graeme1988]

Probably should lighten the mood a wee bit, talk aboot summit else.

Eh, ah hud surprisingly guid time oot in Edinburgh last night. Saw one of ma favourite comedians for the first time. In case yer wondering, it was Scottish-Indian comic Danny Bhoy, who actually grew up in Moffat, a wee town in Scottish Borders, which is just a few miles from where ah live. Anyway, hud a good laugh, especially when ma mum wuz the only person to response to Danny when he walk on stage said:

"Hullo, everyone, how are you?"
Ma mum yells out: "Fine". Thinking the rest of the audience were going to respond to Danny's inquiring of their general well-being. But, no, the audience remained silent.

Then Danny responded, to break the tension at the start of the show, if nothing else: "That's good. At least, one of you is fine" Which, got a laugh from a row at the back of the room.​

^ Not if the audience's silence was down it being a Sunday night as opposed to a Friday, when comedy audience are usually a bit mair upbeat coz it's the weekend.

And since it was a benefit show for various charities, ah decided to donate a £1, coz ah didnae huv mair money on me.

Oh! And ah saw Edinburgh Castle. Well, actually, ah admired it from a distance coz ma sister drove passed it as we made oor way tae the venue for the stand-up comedy show.

Comin' oot the venue was hellish coz the lift broke the 2nd time we went tae use it, and ah wuz in ma wheelchair. So ah hud tae fold up ma chair and walk doon the stairs. Thankfully jist yin flight, though.

And oot the venue, there were folk hand oot free programmes and fliers for other comedy show which ah didnae huv tickets fur. Got aboot 3 uh them. But hey, ah'm a sucker for a bargin. :bigsmile:

 

[Graeme1988]

Woke up this morning tae the sound of the rest of ma family, downstair in the living room, chattin' laughin' and huvin' a good ol' time. And aw ah could think was: Ah dinnae belong here... Or, don't really fit in. Plus ma relationship wi' ma family over the years has been a bit dyfunctional, tae say the least.

Also, bin wonderin' if ah've got Schizoid Personality Disorder? :thinking: Since ah huv a majority of the traits, except the internal whole fantasy world.

Anyway, jist a wee exploration intae ma mind, there.

 

[Graeme1988]

:greeting: Hiya, huv'nae bin posted much lately. Coz, well... Ah've bin gan through a emotional time or ah've bin feel really depressed fur nae apparent reason. Or mibbe ah've jist bin thinkin' too much...? :idontknow:

Also, bin feel quite reflective as well, lately. Lookin' at masel' in the mirror... Whoops, sorry, jist makin' sure ma sense uh humour wuz still functioning. Maist uh youse probably didnae git that stoopid joke. :bigsmile:

Anyway, aye, ah've bin thinkin' aboot humiliatin' incidents fae ma past and batterin' f**k oot uh my psyche fur no' daein' anythin' aboot them. Coz, well, it's no' in ma nature tae complain aboot things, since, y'know, life difficult enough when yer livin' wi' a physical disability.

Ah jist accept things as they are. Plus, naebuddy seems tae empathise wi' ma situation. The joys of havin' a single-mum upbringin' and 2 older sister, yer ootnumbered three-tae-yin, so ye learn tae keep the auld sweetie mooth shut.

Coz, it is a struggle, livin' wi' a physically and learning disability couple that wi' depression, and well, y'know... Somedays're better than other. Let jist pit it like that.

Och, ah'm jist ramblin'. Nae idea why ah posted this, tae be honest. :idontknow:

 

[MollyBeGood]

I know what you mean, in a lot of ways. I used to subject myself to a lot of things that I shouldn't have from people who I shouldn't have been allowing to be in my life. I felt helpless and hopeless to change things so I just let abuse after abuse pile up. I never talked to anyone about it except maybe one or two people and that really made me feel worse because then they knew and I was still living the way I was living. I know your situation is very different because you're younger than I was and you do have real reasons for staying but I can honestly say once you break free of that living situation your life will change for the better, and you will do it if you want to bad enough. I had to hit the proverbial rock bottom a few times before I was able to get myself in a better, healthier, safer environment for my depression to really lift. I still can be dark and moody but it doesn't last for weeks and weeks, only a few hrs now. I am sure once you get away from unsupportive family members weighting you down you will find some inner strength you didn't know you had and really take on a new feel for life. You deserve that!!
I still have thoughts about being in the bad situation I was in for so long and it still makes me sad at times. If you're a sensitive person like me the feelings take yrs to really loose their grip.
Hang in there!

 

[MollyBeGood]

I might add something that helped me is studying up on Zen Buddhism.
There are people in the world who have been through such horrible things (POW's, for example) and they still remained true to them selves despite what was being done to them. Learning some of these techniques will really help you through this stuff. I am not sure if this blog is Zen but it has some great advice.

Seven Steps to Inner Peace | Sri Chinmoy Inspiration

 

[Graeme1988]

I know what you mean, in a lot of ways. I used to subject myself to a lot of things that I shouldn't have from people who I shouldn't have been allowing to be in my life. I felt helpless and hopeless to change things so I just let abuse after abuse pile up. I never talked to anyone about it except maybe one or two people and that really made me feel worse because then they knew and I was still living the way I was living. I know your situation is very different because you're younger than I was and you do have real reasons for staying but I can honestly say once you break free of that living situation your life will change for the better, and you will do it if you want to bad enough. I had to hit the proverbial rock bottom a few times before I was able to get myself in a better, healthier, safer environment for my depression to really lift. I still can be dark and moody but it doesn't last for weeks and weeks, only a few hrs now. I am sure once you get away from unsupportive family members weighting you down you will find some inner strength you didn't know you had and really take on a new feel for life. You deserve that!!

Ah agree wi' ye there. It's jist gittin' away fae family members is kinda difficult because they aw think so highly of me, and would anythin' fur me. And yet, ironically, treat me like shite, and use me, and rarely take me seriously.

Ah mean, ah could've change things aboot the constant verbal cruelity or "jokes" as ma mum and sisters would call their snide comments. But if ah did tae them, ah'm a c*nt. Don't ye jist love double standards. Yay!

I still have thoughts about being in the bad situation I was in for so long and it still makes me sad at times.

Same here. But for me it's mair the fact ah didnae stand ma ground. Ah jist walk away and pretended like ma family's snide comments hud'nae got tae me. But ah guess ye huv tae tolerate a lot of cruelity when yer the youngest.

If you're a sensitive person like me the feelings take yrs to really loose their grip. Hang in there!

Oh aye, ah'm a sensitive wee soul. As far as ma feelin's go, they dinnae even matter. Coz when ye git right doon tae it, ah'm always wrong. Also, it's hard tae forgive somebuddy when they cannae admit tae their mistakes. At least, if ah treat someone like shit because ah'm in a bad mood or inadvertantly offend anybuddy, ah'll apologies fur bein' an arsehole. Coz, I am an arsehole. :sarcastic:

 

[Graeme1988]

I might add something that helped me is studying up on Zen Buddhism.
There are people in the world who have been through such horrible things (POW's, for example) and they still remained true to them selves despite what was being done to them. Learning some of these techniques will really help you through this stuff. I am not sure if this blog is Zen but it has some great advice.

Seven Steps to Inner Peace | Sri Chinmoy Inspiration

Well, ah've always bin fascinated by Buddhism in general. You'll notice how ah didnae tage that statement wi' a joke. But ah seriously might gee it a go. :thumbup:

 

[MollyBeGood]

Well, ah've always bin fascinated by Buddhism in general. You'll notice how ah didnae tage that statement wi' a joke. But ah seriously might gee it a go. :thumbup:

*does a happy dance* after seeing this ^

I think...no matter how bad things get in life, I think to myself sometimes, even if I end up in jail, if I learn the techniques the masters used in meditation for example, I will be able to find that inner peace anywhere and nothing can touch me.

Just recently I used some visualizations techniques that really transported me from a very bad situation I couldn't get out of physically. Life is always going to throw some awful stuff at us, no matter. To have tools to always be safe in your mind is where it is at. If you worry and toil your mind isn't a safe place anymore. If you allow others to drag you into their anger and hate you have surrendered to them. I practice not surrendering to anyone mentally anymore. People will suck the life out of you if you let em. By not reacting in any way to them you don't give them any energy, or fuel, to suck you in. You are creating a force-field. This is how I see it anyways!

 

[Graeme1988]

*does a happy dance* after seeing this ^

I think...no matter how bad things get in life, I think to myself sometimes, even if I end up in jail, if I learn the techniques the masters used in meditation for example, I will be able to find that inner peace anywhere and nothing can touch me.

Just recently I used some visualizations techniques that really transported me from a very bad situation I couldn't get out of physically. Life is always going to throw some awful stuff at us, no matter. To have tools to always be safe in your mind is where it is at. If you worry and toil your mind isn't a safe place anymore. If you allow others to drag you into their anger and hate you have surrendered to them. I practice not surrendering to anyone mentally anymore. People will suck the life out of you if you let em. By not reacting in any way to them you don't give them any energy, or fuel, to suck you in. You are creating a force-field. This is how I see it anyways!

Pretty f**kin' spot on, couldnae huv said it better masel'. :thumbup:

 

[Graeme1988]

My family = Irritating, ungrateful, f**kin' c*nts !

 

[Graeme1988]

The following huz bin written phonetically tae gee the illusion o' a Scottish accent...

Ah quite clever that, innit? Smart-arse, a contradiction in terms, no? Didnae worry this will'nae be a series uh rhetorically questions. Coz this would jist gittin' weird.

"Where the f**k's he gan wi' this?"
"Ah don't know, lets follow 'em and see. Then we'll mug 'em and take his troosers fur a laugh"

^ The scary 'hing is, in ma native accent, aw that makes perfect sense.

Sorry, ah realise ah jist made a complete arse uh masel' fur yer amusement. Well, ah didnae really it's jist youse will'nae understaun a word uh this.

It's great bein' Scottish, innit? Well, fur me, it is! Hehehe.

Anyway, ah'm still chucklin' away tae masel'. Hud a great night oot in Edinborough or Edinburgh as we Caledonian natives refer tae it. Anyway, ah went tae see yet another Scottish comedian, Fred MacAulay, this guy:

Ah've seen 'em doing live stand-up comedy fur the 2nd time this year. The first time wuz at a show in Dumfries, the day after Robert Burns Night. Though, this time roon, ma dear, old - but hysterically funny - muther tagged along wi' me an' ma sister. It wuz ma mum's first experience seein' Fred doing live stand-up. And it wuz a belter. If ye like witty, ironic, slightly dark, Scottish humour delivered in an almost deadpan Scottish accent - ye cannae go wrong gittin' a ticket tae see Fred MacAulay.

No' sure whit it is with me, stand-up comedy and sittin' in the front row uh comedy shows, especially in ma nation's capital. Summit unexpectly awesome always seems tae happen if ah'm in the front row of a comedy show.

Ah know, some uh youse're probably thinkin' tae yersel's: "Och, Graeme dinnae talk pish, ya dafty! Yer jist exaggerating"

But ah'm no', ye see.. At some point during Fred's show - it must've been aboot nearly half an hour intae the show - and he does a joke which involved audience participation. Oh! Me, ma sister and mum are sittin' at the right-hand side of the stage, fairly close to one of the speakers. So we can hear everythin' clearly. Me, one of two wheelchair users in the audience. The other wheelchair user sitting at the opposite side of the stage.

Probably should also mention at this point that Fred makes the audience aware before-hand that the joke he's about to tell involves him mimicking the sound of gun fire, so the audience doesnae git a fright during the bit. Then he proceeds tae do the following joke:

Fred: "Knock, knock..."
Audience in unison: "Who's there?!"
Fred mimicks the sound of four gunshots being fired then says: "It's me, Oscar" :sarcastic:​

^ Did ye git why that joke is so funny yet so wrong? If so, yer a sick basturd with a twisted sense uh humour, like me.

Well, at that punchline, delivered in front of a full capacity crowd, I am the first, and only member of the audience, to laugh out loud, hysterically.

Mainly because ah didnae expect MacAulay to make that kinda sick joke, since it more of a Frankie Boyle style of joke. Anyway, the rest of the audience just give that "Oooooh!" groan reaction when a comedian says something near-the-knuckle.

But ah didnae feel awkward aboot the fact ah wuz the only yin laughin' because Fred walked over to me, just seconds after that particular joke, smiling. He leans down and says "Put it there, big man. That it, you got it" and we fist-bump. He also thanked people for attending the show as they made their way oot the venue, hoping they enjoyed it and understood aw the jokes. Stoppin' me to shake ma hand, sayin' he like ma reaction to that Oscar Pistorius joke. There were also other hilarious jokes, but ah'll no' repeat them since they're, eh, too Scottish... Nae offense intended there.

And that's no' the only time summit like that's happened tae me during a comedy gig at the Edinburgh festival. Even funnier, more embarrassing things happened when ah attended the festival for the first time back in 2009. But ah tell ye aboot that incident tomorrow, probably. If ah dinnae forget tae... Anyway, hope ye enjoy that long, amusin' story.