my working life or lack thereof, a cautionary tale

Aletheia

Well-known member
I'm really really nervous about sharing this, but I don't want to be in the closet about it. Plus it would be wonderful to find other people with similar stories, and if I'm ever going to, it's likely to be here. So here goes:

I've drifted into everything I've ever done with my life. I've done a fair bit of travelling, but it was always initiated by someone else. And every job I've ever had I got through friends or family.

School was fine because they tell you what to do, and I graduated top of my class. Then I went to work as a software engineer at the company I'd been interning at. My lecturers gave me a hard time for not shopping myself around, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I kept getting landed with more and more responsibility. And you don't get much feedback in the real world. I never knew whether my work was good enough. I was little Lisa Simpson wailing, “Grade me!”.

Eighteen months in, and I was desperate. I felt like I was drowning. I was vomiting I was so stressed. All I wanted to do was go home and hide in a cupboard, and sometimes I bunked off work to do just that.

Then an old boyfriend invited me to come live with him in San Francisco. I didn't even consider whether I actually wanted to be with him, I was so blinded by the hope that he'd airlift me out of my life (something else I'm ashamed of). And of course, wherever you go, there you are. You can't run away from it.

I managed another three years. Parts of it were awesome, and I got to work with some amazing people, but the cracks were beginning to show. After an idiot VP borked our project, everyone left, and in my new job, I just couldn't gain any traction. I was paralysed by the fear that I wasn't doing a good job, and the paralysis meant that I wasn't. Eventually I stopped leaving the house, I lost my job and my mother had to come physically pick me up and take me home. I didn't even tell my boyfriend goodbye.

I didn't get out of bed for the rest of the year. By the time I regained some semblance of functioning, my resume was severely broken, and I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to hire me. I still can't. And if by some miracle I did land a job, it would squash me flat in no time. I feel that I'm so fractured by stress I'll never be able to lift responsibility ever again.

So I avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid and waste my life.

Don't be me.
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
It's been almost 12 years since my breakdown, 12 years since I had a “real” job, 12 years of my life that I've lost.

I'm so ashamed of this that I avoid almost all social contact now.
 
Hey, you're not alone Alethia - I've done something very similar to this... and it feels like ****.

I think the question to ask is what is making you unhappy? Is it the lack of a job? Or your invability to face your fears? (What bothered you in the first place even when you had a job). Just a question to ask yourself and start from there. I hope you can figure this out and feel better. I'll try to do the same. Good luck. And don't feel alone, 'cause you aren't!

So I've decided to work (finally) on what bothers me most - my unhappiness, my fears that keep me away from the things that I want.
 

WeirdyMcGee

Well-known member
Ohh, I understand this so much!

It's been 3 years since my breakdown and I can't see myself getting better - no matter how much I think; 'I need a job, I need money'- I feel like it's more likely I'll be homeless again or dead, rather than functioning properly.

It does make you feel ashamed but you're not the only one...
and I know it's hard to think of it like that, since we get stuck thinking only about ourselves and how ashamed we are on the inside and unable to move on, but there has to be something we can do as people to crawl out and carry on.
 

aftermidnight

Well-known member
I appreciate the caution, though I fear I'm following the same path. I dropped out of pharmacy school for the most part because I have quite some difficulty explaining things to people (such as when to take their meds, at what dose, what side effects to expect, etc...). Now I have a lot of debt, no job (and I'm having a hard time finding one), no money to pay for my debts owed, no long-term aspirations, but I still have high expectations (getting a respectable, well-paying job and leading a normal life with a family and everything) for myself, as do my family and friends. It sucks.
 

Darryl

Well-known member
G'day Aletheia,

If this didn't happen you would only continued to drift.

You needed a large hit to break the Avoidance or you would get over it and back into your Avie uncontrolled life.
This had to happen and it had to be something that you would take notice of.

Don't view your last 18 months or so as a bad experience but as a journey you had to go on.
With the help of a pysch (professional answers by professional people) You now focus on Avoidance, what it is, how it controls you...reconizing it
You can't control what you don't understand.

You have tried to do this all on your own, now it's time to lighten the load with the help of professional.

Best wishes Darryl
 
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Ms Cloud

Well-known member
It's been almost 12 years since my breakdown, 12 years since I had a “real” job, 12 years of my life that I've lost.

I'm so ashamed of this that I avoid almost all social contact now.
My situation is very similar, except that when I quit my engineering career 12 years ago it was because I wanted to quit. I hated it. And I've felt no shame or remorse about it... I'm just not career-oriented. Many people aren't.

But I agree that it has an isolating effect, because I couldn't really expect my school friends to understand why I didn't pursue a professional career like they did. I had one friend in particular, who I kept in touch with... I never really told him what it is that I "do". While he's been out managing construction projects and dealing with executive stress, I've been at home, mostly relaxing and taking it easy, dabbling in philosophical pursuits, working on a few minor renovation projects, making a bit of rental income... gardening, playing with my cats and dogs, walking around in the woods, salvaging old junk, tinkering with this and that, enjoying the sunshine, talking to people on the internet, learning about things that interest me, laughing with my sister, helping my mother with stuff, and a bunch of other day-to-day items that the passage of time has nicely blurred.

I have no resume and I don't care. Financially I'm ok, and my expenses are almost non-existent. Socially I'm a recluse, yes, but that's something I can work on, in my own time. And as for my school friend, well he's burnt out now from his high-pressure job. He's no longer the fun-loving person I once knew. I know that not all professionals end up like that, but I certainly would have. Looking at him is like looking at another version of myself, had I stayed in a job that I hated.

So you and I have this parallel in our lives, but we obviously feel very differently about it. Maybe we could try to figure out where the difference lies?
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
And every job I've ever had I got through friends or family.
This is how every job is basically gotten these days. :/

You're not alone, Aletheia. While I can't really relate to all of what you're going through, you have my support and a sympathetic ear if necessary.
 

KiaKaha

Banned
I have a story similar to this, but I am no where near as articulate to describe it as well as you have. I can tell you that this about this time last year was the lowest and most desperately unhappiest time of my life. I haven't fully recovered. I am unemployed and have not been able to get out of this rut for quite some time... I am exactly where I am supposed to be.. all because of uncontrollable anxiety, avoidance and lack of support.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.
 

razzle dazzle rose

Well-known member
Thank you for sharing your story. I can see why you are upset about this. There is a lot of pressure from the outside, that we need to do these big, grand things and make a lot of money. And we also give ourselves a lot of that pressure. It is too much to handle. Especially for us, with all this anxiety. It makes it that much harder. I don't have a similar story, 'cause I have never had a real job. Seems like the SA really interferes with that area of our lives (as well as many more). The shame and guilt are very hard to shake, but many here have brought up some interesting points:

I think the question to ask is what is making you unhappy? Is it the lack of a job? Or your invability to face your fears?

Important questions to ask. What is it that we really want? What are we afraid of? We have to stay true to who we are, and not let the expectations of others...make us feel like we are failing. Something I feel really guilty about is letting others down. I don't know why I should care. This is my life and I don't owe anyone anything.

I've felt no shame or remorse about it... I'm just not career-oriented. Many people aren't.
...

I've been at home, mostly relaxing and taking it easy, dabbling in philosophical pursuits, working on a few minor renovation projects, making a bit of rental income... gardening, playing with my cats and dogs, walking around in the woods, salvaging old junk, tinkering with this and that, enjoying the sunshine, talking to people on the internet, learning about things that interest me, laughing with my sister, helping my mother with stuff, and a bunch of other day-to-day items that the passage of time has nicely blurred.

I have no resume and I don't care.

I admire your attitude. Sounds like an idyllic life. The kinda life I want. More than any stinky career really. But there is that question of what to do for money.

You do have a different perspective on all this than most of us. I also wonder why that is so.

So I avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid and waste my life.

This is exactly how it feels.

I know it is not much, but you really are not alone in all this.
 

Silatuyok

Well-known member
I almost spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to go to veterinary school, so I could have one of the lowest-paying, high-stress, yet most mistakingly coveted careers in the world. I had a revelation and realized that I'd be much happier being free from any careers, to move from one job to another as I saw fit, even if they are low-paying. Do you have a job now, or foresee yourself wanting to get into one any time in the future? There's no shame in being a part of the working class...we have time to enjoy our simple pleasures in life, and a great deal less stress and responsibility on our shoulders. I'm enjoying it, anyway.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Well, I've always wanted to be an artist/writer/singer/something creative, and only later let myself be convinced that 'a real job/career' would be better to go for (which I was later sorry for, it was a BAD fit in most of the 'real' jobs... though I enjoyed some aspects of them, and yeah, people do see you differently somehow, depends on the job, though even now, I usually don't explain what I do or don't do to anyone.. it's none of their business anyway :) the paycheck is nice though, haha)

even CVs/application letters can be written creatively so people don't really know what you have or haven't been doing, some forms are easier for that and there are tips for people with gaps (eg mums who go back to work etc) too.. If they need you bad enough, and/or you're willing to work for free/for little at first, to 'prove yourself', for the first 2 weeks or so, or eg do an unpaid internship or volunteer first, you can still get a break in many places... maybe a career change and/or change of outlook could be helpful? many people decide to change careers, some even in their 50's or so...
Some women (or men) are just happy to stay at home, with or without kids, sometimes caring for family members... What about rich people? They don't have 'jobs' either, in many cases!!

I've learnt a lot through my studies, so I'm happy about that... learnt a lot from my jobs too, stuff that came handy in some other things I did.. learnt even more 'on my own', I'm sure you learnt a lot too... (some stuff you can't find in books lol)

I sort of relate to MsCloud, I'd be happiest just 'doing my thing/s' provided the money would somehow be provided (rentals are a great idea! We don't have so much space though...)

I agree any job is honorable, and many jobs can be more interesting if they come without 'pressure/expectations' of a high-end career..

The economy being what it is, many people out there are under great pressure... I totally understand people who are lobbying for 4-hour workday, it would be way better for many... (Now so many people stress because of work pressure or because of being unemployed, this could solve some problems...)

If you read about statistics, in some places whole offices are on antidepressants, more than 4 or 5 hours behind computer a day can cause depression and other health problems, every 4th person is supposed to have some sort of mental health problems in life (this may be different in different countries) the important thing is to 'get yourself together' again... Even high-profile people have struggled with depression/bipolar etc. Maybe it would help you to read some life stories of people who managed to overcome that... eg look at the Stephen Fry documentary about bipolar that's on this forum.. and yeah, find professional help and/or support group/s if you might need it...
 
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MikeyC

Well-known member
I almost spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to go to veterinary school, so I could have one of the lowest-paying, high-stress, yet most mistakingly coveted careers in the world. I had a revelation and realized that I'd be much happier being free from any careers, to move from one job to another as I saw fit, even if they are low-paying.
Interesting move. Is it working for you? From the sounds of it, it is. :)

The economy being what it is, many people out there are under great pressure... I totally understand people who are lobbying for 4-hour workday, it would be way better for many... (Now so many people stress because of work pressure or because of being unemployed, this could solve some problems...)
This is a fantastic idea. People could earn some money while still having time to go and look after a family. Drop the kids off at school at 8:30, work from 9-1, pick them up at 2:30 or 3...it's a good idea and it can have mums or dads working to keep their sanity, while still earning a little bit of money for their families.

This is something that must be considered.

If you read about statistics, in some places whole offices are on antidepressants, more than 4 or 5 hours behind computer a day can cause depression and other health problems, every 4th person is supposed to have some sort of mental health problems in life
That's very true. Humans are supposed to be active creatures, moving around and getting out in the sun and working. We're not supposed to be in cubicle farms with air-conditioning and glaring computer screens in our faces.

It makes sense that so many office workers are unhappy. There's no sense of completion or success. A construction worker can walk past a house and think, "wow, I built that!" where an office worker can look at a piece of paper and think, "I typed that". Who is going to be more impressed with their work?
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
You have tried to do this all on your own, now it's time to lighten the load with the help of professional.

Darryl, I have had more help than you could possibly imagine. (What do you think I've spent the past 12 years doing?? :rolleyes:)

I realize that you're trying to help, but please don't patronize me.
 
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Aletheia

Well-known member
Having finally summoned up the courage to look at replies:

I'm just not career-oriented. Many people aren't.

I haven't an ambitious bone in my body. But I was brought up to expect that I'd have a professional career and I hate letting people down.

Also, a lot of my identity was tied up with my job. A coder, that's what I was, and people respected that (even if they thought it was geeky). Without the job, I don't know who am I. And it's not like I had any real non-work interests or talents to fall back on. There's nothing left to respect.

I've always been cringingly sensitive to and pathetically reliant on what others have thought of me; the source of my dysfunction, I suspect. It's wired in deep. But I'm trying to overcome it. I'm trying to be myself.

I couldn't really expect my school friends to understand why I didn't pursue a professional career like they did.

This is one reason I've let friends drift away. It's not only stigma. They have careers and mortgages and small children, and I don't, so we've not much to talk about. And they just don't get why I am the way I am.

I've been at home, mostly relaxing and taking it easy, dabbling in philosophical pursuits...

That sounds lovely, that's what I'd like my life to be like.

And this past year, something has eased. There are times when I feel not even resigned to but accepting of my life. I'm not sure whether that's necessarily a good thing, but I know that while I may not be happy, I'm miles happier now than I was when I was working.

Looking at him is like looking at another version of myself, had I stayed in a job that I hated.

Those friends with careers and mortgages and small children: those things are giving them grey hair and wrinkles. They're stressed and they're miserable. That's how I was, and if I'd stayed there, it would have literally killed me: I would have killed myself.

So yes, I fear that I'll end up impoverished and alone, but I need to stop comparing myself to others.

So you and I have this parallel in our lives, but we obviously feel very differently about it. Maybe we could try to figure out where the difference lies?

My guess: self-acceptance. What's yours?
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
Also, a lot of my identity was tied up with my job. A coder, that's what I was, and people respected that (even if they thought it was geeky). Without the job, I don't know who am I.
I never want to be identified by my job. A job is just something I have to do to get money so I can not die of starvation. My interests and personality are the real me.

Being identified by your job must've been difficult for you. People wouldn't be getting to know the personal you, but the professional you.
 

Silatuyok

Well-known member
Interesting move. Is it working for you? From the sounds of it, it is. :)

It's working out great. I still struggle to pay my bills from month to month, but having the free time to read books and grow things and even just having the time to pet my cats every day is a real blessing. And I love my job so that's a bonus. :)
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
It's working out great. I still struggle to pay my bills from month to month, but having the free time to read books and grow things and even just having the time to pet my cats every day is a real blessing. And I love my job so that's a bonus. :)
Everybody struggles with bills, so you're certainly not alone there. All that free time must be so good. You probably would feel far less stressed than the majority of the population.
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
And don't feel alone, 'cause you aren't!

Thanks so much for this.

I think the question to ask is what is making you unhappy? Is it the lack of a job?

Excellent question.

I worry that I'm wasting my life and squandering my talents. I miss the mental stimulation and creativity I had in my job. I have no focus. But perhaps I could address all these things through something other than a career.

The thing that makes me most unhappy is how other people see me.

What bothered you in the first place even when you had a job

Performance anxiety and perfectionism: the fear that I'd make a mistake and let people down. Ie how other people saw me.

I run run run from my fears. But I have worked to be more able to sit with them. To be less blinded by them.

So I've decided to work (finally) on what bothers me most - my unhappiness, my fears that keep me away from the things that I want.

What works for you, in this? Do you know what you want? (I wish I did.)
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
It does make you feel ashamed but you're not the only one

Thanks for sharing that. I always find it painful when people reveal how much they're suffering, I don't want them to suffer. But it does bring some solace knowing that I'm not the only one. I feel less alone.

we get stuck thinking only about ourselves and how ashamed we are on the inside and unable to move on

This is a terrific point.

Shame has made this worse, but it's always been this way: I'm so turned in on myself, I'm unable to truly see the world around me. And I need to see to be of it, not just in it.
 
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