My Platonic Boyfriend

[Silatuyok]

Sorry if this is TMI, but I really need to get this off my chest.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years now. We moved in together 18 months ago, at which point in time our sex life flat-lined. I was upset about this for a while, but then I completely lost my libido, which has been gone for at least a year now.

He doesn't seem to be very comfortable with initiating, though he will never admit to having that problem. Due to previous bad experiences with other relationships, I abhor being in a situation where I have to initiate. On top of which I now have no urge to have sex anyway, so why would I bother trying to initiate?

We are still very affectionate toward each other and get along great, but the lack of passion is slowly wearing me down. He spends a lot of energy telling me that I am beautiful and attractive, but when it comes down to actually showing me those things he falls rather short. I feel incredibly unattractive because of this situation.

He spends a ton of time working out and playing all kinds of sports, and tries to stay in shape to look good...so it's not a matter of physical laziness or inability.

I just don't understand.

I want to feel like he is attracted to me. I feel so incredibly inadequate, even though he has never said anything to make me feel that way.

I'm tired of arguing with him about this. It never solves anything in the long run. We just fall back into our old ways after a week or so.

He used to blame his lack of initiation on stress from an exam he had to keep retaking for work. Now that he has passed the exam, things haven't gotten any better. There are other stressors that could contribute, but they aren't constant. Our problem is constant.

I don't know if I should just be happy with the relationship that we have, and not worry that we are lacking in this regard. I don't know if there is something he needs that I'm completely not seeing. I'm worried that it will cause problems down the road.

I am at a loss.

 

[Section_31]

Hey Marie,

As a married guy i feel im....qualified to comment.

You dont say how old he is. Or how old you are. And no this is definately NOT TMI. Trust me you should see some of my posts .

What kind of personality is he?. Is he typically the aggresive type? laid back? does he worry alot?. Might he be depressed?. I battle depression and if im having a bad swing the last thing on my mind is sex. Though my lady and me are much like you are, very openly affectionate in other ways when this happens to me.

For me, yes, stress is a huge factor as to whether or not i can perform. Often times my wife and me are only to fit in a once a week good sex session, sometimes more. (Im 28 and shes 26 btw, just to give you an age reference).

The lack of spark your feeling to a point can be normal, you just become used to that person after a while, however, having said that, that does NOT mean you stop feeling somthing for the other person. And its absolutely normal for you to want to feel desired, your a hot young thing! why wouldnt you??. Humans are sexual beings right?. This isnt a taboo subject.

Should you just accept things as they are?. To put my answer short, i say a big hell no. You shouldnt settle. At all. Im not saying dump him and run out and find another guy, no no no, all im saying is your definately not being unreasonable here in wanting somthing more. At all. This is one of the reasons people couple up isnt it?.

Ok, i dont want to put this idea in your head but i feel i have to ask...and plz keep in mind i dont know your man so plz bear with me here...

Does he watch alot of porn that you know of?.

I ask because, im a porn addict. And its taken me alot of work to stop watching it. (thus far ive gone almost 2 months without watching it at all). It was at the point where it nearly killed my sex life at home. My wife never said anythin but i could just feel it and i wanted to be a better man for her.

If you know he watches it occasionally he MAY be watching more then you are aware of....now even if he does watch it, that doesnt mean hes an addict. not every guy who watches it is. In my case i realized i had a bad problem and needed help. And i hate to put this thought in yuor head, as if you dont already have enough to worry about....but i feel its legit, as someone who's been there.

 

[coyote]

i've been in a relationship with someone whose libido evaporated

after being turned down over and over again, i eventually found it difficult to attempt to initiate things

no one likes to be rejected - especially by the person they love

it can also be very confusing - particularly when you are rejected for doing and saying the exact sames things that on another day might be eagerly accepted

not knowing what to do or say, and fearing rejection at every step....

well, it can make a man hesitate to do anything at all and wait for the woman to make the first move

which, of course, only makes things worse

maybe he's reluctant to admit that he is hurt and afraid -alot of men don't want to let anyone see that side of them - especially the woman they love

 

[Section_31]

Ive had that issue as well Coyote. Very good point.

 

[Kinetik]

I think Gunman has a good point regarding porn. That has to go if you want to have a decent sex life. When I was married a few years ago I would watch it occasionally but even that proved to be too much. I needed to get to a point where she was the only one I turned to. And once I cut out porn completely things got a lot better in that respect.

The other thing is that you both have to keep making an effort. Have date nights, dress up, smell good, go to new places together. It's so easy to put sex on the back burner when you're both on the couch in sweatpants.

So try to work on some of these points and then see what happens. Don't force the issue - try to let it happen naturally as a result of the effort you've put into the above.

 

[Silatuyok]

Thank you for your reply, Gunman. I'm 28 and he's 25. He has a very, very laid-back personality. I have never seen any indication that he is interested in pornography at all. He has said in the past that he doesn't care for it, and I still to this day believe him. I've been with other guys who had serious porn addictions, so I feel like I would have picked up on anything like that. Honestly I think our sex life would be better if he DID watch it. I used to watch porn on occasion, but even that does absolutely nothing for me anymore.

When we were first dating it took him three weeks to make any kind of move toward me at all. At that point I had almost assumed that he just wanted to be friends. He was very enthusiastically romantic for about nine months, then it just went stale as soon as we moved in together.

I have considered that he might be chronically depressed, and just won't admit to it (he is very much the optimistic type). I don't think he is enjoying his chosen profession, but I think he feels stuck in it. Perhaps this is contributing to his feelings of inadequacy.

Once a week is a lot for us. Even if one of us goes away for a week and comes back, there's no spark. When we fight, we don't have make up sex. All of these situations that are normally pretty charged in a relationship apparently don't do anything for either of us. It's depressing.

 

[Silatuyok]

i've been in a relationship with someone whose libido evaporated

after being turned down over and over again, i eventually found it difficult to attempt to initiate things

no one likes to be rejected - especially by the person they love

it can also be very confusing - particularly when you are rejected for doing and saying the exact sames things that on another day might be eagerly accepted

not knowing what to do or say, and fearing rejection at every step....

well, it can make a man hesitate to do anything at all and wait for the woman to make the first move

which, of course, only makes things worse

maybe he's reluctant to admit that he is hurt and afraid -alot of men don't want to let anyone see that side of them - especially the woman they love

I can definitely understand that. Thing is, I don't reject him. Or very rarely, anyway. And the issues started long before my libido went awol.

 

[Section_31]

Yo said you think hes stuck in a job/position he hates. What makes you suspect that?.

I had that same problem a few yrs back when i was still engaged, and the sheer stress and depression killed that drive for me. It finally took my doctor telling me i had to leave or the stress would kill me before i was 40 for it to sink in....And that can definately make a guy feel inadequate. Trapped. All of which can kill his libido. And also none of which, if thats the case, has anything to do with you.

Do you guys have date nights?. Do you do anything for eachother?.

Judging from what youve told us, IMHO he doesnt sound like the type to think that now that youve moved in he doesnt have to try anymore. Ive known men like that but he sounds more like the emotionally involved type. That doesnt strike me as somthing he might do, but you would know better than I.

Are either of you on medications for depression or anything?. I use to be on celexa and that just killed it to. At the risk of TMI myself, i couldnt perform when the occasion came up. And THAT made me MORE depressed, hugely. I had to switch to wellbutrin and that problem went away....could this be a factor for either of you?.

Sorry if this is random, just brainstorming and throwing ideas out here

 

[Silatuyok]

Yo said you think hes stuck in a job/position he hates. What makes you suspect that?.

I had that same problem a few yrs back when i was still engaged, and the sheer stress and depression killed that drive for me. It finally took my doctor telling me i had to leave or the stress would kill me before i was 40 for it to sink in....And that can definately make a guy feel inadequate. Trapped. All of which can kill his libido. And also none of which, if thats the case, has anything to do with you.

Do you guys have date nights?. Do you do anything for eachother?.

Judging from what youve told us, IMHO he doesnt sound like the type to think that now that yuove moved in he doesnt have to try anymore. Ive known men like that but he sounds more like the emotionally involved type. That doesnt strike me as somthing he might do, but you would know better than I.

Are either of you on medications for depression or anything?. I use to be on celexa and that just killed it to. At the risk of TMI myself, i couldnt perform when the occasion came up. And THAT made me MORE depressed, hugely. I had to switch to wellbutrin and that problem went away....could this be a factor for either of you?.

Sorry if this is random, just brainstorming and throwing ideas out here

Neither of us are on any medications. I do take birth control pills, but they are the same pills I have been taking for almost ten years, so I don't think it is interfering in any way.

You are right, he is very emotionally involved, and he makes obvious attempts to remedy the situation at times. We have date nights, date weekends, we go on trips together, camping...sometimes it works, but sometimes not.

I know that he hates his current job, which is a new company because he didn't like the one he was working for before that. He wants to be outside doing fieldwork or construction inspection type stuff, but instead he keeps getting stuck in offices pushing papers. He is overqualified to get the job he wants, even though he is trying. Last summer he very nearly joined the Navy because he was so desperate to get away from his job. I know how depressing office work is, so I'm suspecting that may be the root of his/our problems.

 

[coyote]

I can definitely understand that. Thing is, I don't reject him. Or very rarely, anyway. And the issues started long before my libido went awol.

perhaps his own libido is very low

or he has some other sort of repressed sexual dysfunction he'd rather not share with you

if the both of you haven't found a way to discuss the issue constructively, maybe you can find someone to help - joint counseling or whatever

i wish i had done that - perhaps everything wouldn't have ended so badly

 

[Aletheia]

The one time my libido collapsed was when I was going out of my mind with work stress. And even then I badly wish I'd made more effort for the sake of the bond.

But I'm so terrified of being rejected that I seldom make advances at all. Which is unhealthy and unfair and I need to do something about it.

 

[Silatuyok]

But I'm so terrified of being rejected that I seldom make advances at all. Which is unhealthy and unfair and I need to do something about it.

I am the same way. I blame it on my ex-husband.

 

[Silatuyok]

It's so easy to put sex on the back burner when you're both on the couch in sweatpants.

This is very true.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Perhaps you should bring this up and actually talk about it with him? Or is that something that seems difficult... or unhelpful? Sitting down and talking to him about this would help a lot, so that you guys can both try and do something about it.

Also have you tried certain herbs to boost your libido? There are some I know of being damiana, maca, muira puama, ginseng, and also exercise (especially sprinting and squats)

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Including what EscapeArtist said, you might want to go talk to a sex counselor. Libido doesn't go down for no reason; something happened to one (or both) of you that caused it. That or you're feeling some way about something that's acting as a mental "wall". A sex counselor might be able to revive the passion between you two and a regular counselor might be able to help you overcome this impasse.

 

[Silatuyok]

Perhaps you should bring this up and actually talk about it with him? Or is that something that seems difficult... or unhelpful? Sitting down and talking to him about this would help a lot, so that you guys can both try and do something about it.

Also have you tried certain herbs to boost your libido? There are some I know of being damiana, maca, muira puama, ginseng, and also exercise (especially sprinting and squats)

Hmm, I have not tried any herbal remedies. It's worth a shot anyway. As for exercise, I really need to get back into yoga and pilates. At least feeling better about myself physically is a step in the right direction.

We have talked/argued about it many times in the past. And we did have another talk about it tonight. We decided to set up some guidelines for ourselves, such as: no more movies in bed, because we tend to just watch stuff until we both pass out. And we are going to start setting a bed time and sticking to it, simply to eliminate any complications due to exhaustion and not getting enough sleep.

It seems like we both just get kind of lazy about it, so it's definitely going to take more effort from both of us to find a happy medium.

 

[Kat]

Yeah, it sound pretty normal at some point in the relationship most people experience this. I remember when I went to the therapist once and I was spending a lot of time in my bedroom they gave me a print out and said the bedroom should only be used for sex and sleeping, you shouldn’t be eating in there, watching tv and some other things which I was basically using it for everything I don’t really know exactly how it related to my social anxiety and depression but I got a bit of kick out of it more than usual probably because I was a virgin at the time and I’m a bit silly that way::. But back to the point it sounds like he’s stressed and exercise is good for anything.

 

[Waybuloo]

If you both don't actually feel like it then I don't see a problem. It's like you are forcing yourself to feel something and for something to happen. This kind of thing is very common in long term relationships, especially where stressful events or depression is involved. Except usually one party feels like it and the other doesn't. At least you both feel the same so there is no friction. I don't think most people actually walk around wanting it, that's so cliche.

 

[N0D]

If you both don't actually feel like it then I don't see a problem. It's like you are forcing yourself to feel something and for something to happen. This kind of thing is very common in long term relationships, especially where stressful events or depression is involved. Except usually one party feels like it and the other doesn't. At least you both feel the same so there is no friction. I don't think most people actually walk around wanting it, that's so cliche.

I respect your opinion and I completely disagree. Just because it's very common doesn't mean you should accept it. Sex can be so fun and intimate and an immensely powerful way to strengthen the bond between people. In my opinion it's a hugely important part of a relationship and if it isn't happening that is a serious problem that needs to be fixed.

I've found that sex in a long term relationship inevitably tends to get very routine and boring unless you both do something to avoid that. Talking to each other about trying new things or exploring each others fantasies and going forward from there, in my experience, can make that engine turn over and rev to 9000 rpm...

 

[Waybuloo]

I respect your opinion and I completely disagree. Just because it's very common doesn't mean you should accept it. Sex can be so fun and intimate and an immensely powerful way to strengthen the bond between people. In my opinion it's a hugely important part of a relationship and if it isn't happening that is a serious problem that needs to be fixed.

I've found that sex in a long term relationship inevitably tends to get very routine and boring unless you both do something to avoid that. Talking to each other about trying new things or exploring each others fantasies and going forward from there, in my experience, can make that engine turn over and rev to 9000 rpm...

Personally, when this happens to me, I focus on other areas of my life. Relationships and the people it evolve and you can't always get the spark you had to begin with, that is if you had the spark in the first place. It can be good for bonding but so can having intimacy in other ways, such as talking to eachother about feelings, spending time together and doing nice things for eachother. There are other ways and if people can open themselves up to those then they won't rely on sex to fulfill them and maintain the relationship.

Ps I don't understand how sex can be described as fun yet lots of people say sex is fun. Sex is it's own sensation. Fun is watching comedy or playing computer games.