My Platonic Boyfriend

[MollyBeGood]

^ I agree with NOD. I hate to quote Dr. Phil but if the sex is working in a relationship it's 10% if it's not working it's 90% of an issue...if that makes sense...did to me and I have been in a very unbalanced sexual relationship for yrs and it's what finally killed it.
It's one of the most important ways two people bond like NOD says.

I hope you guys find a way to get the fire back.

 

[coyote]

if sex isn't fun, you're not doing it right

 

[Aletheia]

Sex can be so fun and intimate and an immensely powerful way to strengthen the bond between people. In my opinion it's a hugely important part of a relationship and if it isn't happening that is a serious problem that needs to be fixed.

This......

 

[Silatuyok]

Unfortunately, I just don't think my boyfriend is sexually attracted to me. Even when I make the effort to initiate more (as I have been lately), he deliberately doesn't take the hint, or plays it off as me being silly. I am very saddened by this. I have never felt uglier or more inadequate than I do this evening.

 

[Kat]

Unfortunately, I just don't think my boyfriend is sexually attracted to me. Even when I make the effort to initiate more (as I have been lately), he deliberately doesn't take the hint, or plays it off as me being silly. I am very saddened by this. I have never felt uglier or more inadequate than I do this evening.

This is a good article Is sex important to a relationship.

My sex drive isn't the same as my bf's but I still find him very attractive. I'm not good at putting things into words but there's somethings you will always like but you can get fed up with doing.

 

[MikeyC]

Unfortunately, I just don't think my boyfriend is sexually attracted to me. Even when I make the effort to initiate more (as I have been lately), he deliberately doesn't take the hint, or plays it off as me being silly. I am very saddened by this. I have never felt uglier or more inadequate than I do this evening.

Maybe he's just simply not used to you initiating? That's why he's playing it off?

I'm not really adequate giving advice in this thread, to be honest, but I hope you two can sort out your differences before it drives you apart.

 

[Silatuyok]

Is it wrong for me to feel angry about this? It's hard for me to be understanding of whatever his issue might be, simply because the whole thing feels very insulting to me. Yes, I am being very defensive right now. I feel like blaming him for all of this. Even though everything usually ends up being my fault...

 

[MikeyC]

Is it wrong for me to feel angry about this? It's hard for me to be understanding of whatever his issue might be, simply because the whole thing feels very insulting to me. Yes, I am being very defensive right now. I feel like blaming him for all of this. Even though everything usually ends up being my fault...

I can understand your frustration in having him reject you. If possible, maybe you can talk to him about it and ask him what's wrong. Maybe there's a reason why that doesn't involve him not being sexually attracted to you.

 

[DevC]

Stress that is un-related your relationship with him can negatively effect his libido alot aswell, some sort of performance anxiety or something, try not to take it too personally it happens to the best of us.

 

[Sartana]

You should definitely tell him again but let him know how it makes you feel. It's easy to fob off complaints about lack of sex as the other person just being overly horny, but if you let him know about how it makes you feel emotionally surely he would have to listen? Or at least give you more insight as to why given that you're putting the effort in.

 

[Waybuloo]

if sex isn't fun, you're not doing it right

Different definition of fun maybe, and there's no need to say i'm not doing it right.

Ps I've been told I'm very good haha.

 

[sullyS25]

I may be out of line by saying this or even suggesting this and I am not saying I am right in suggesting it but is another way of seeing it. First of all, his reluctance not to initiate sexual contact has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. You aren't ugly or unattractive, in fact you are beautiful, I have seen your photos on the picture thread and as a 26 year old male I think I am a qualified judge of that even though my opinion doesn't come close to the importance of his (obviously). I just say that because it is sad that you can take his reluctance to initiate sexual contact and turn it into a defect in yourself, that isn't the case.

Anyways, I wanted to suggest or ask something but doing so will be taking the risk of offending you or being completely wrong and sounding dumb, but it was the first thing that came to my mind......Are you sure he is attracted to girls physically? As a 26 year old guy I can assure you that our libido is quite high and I would be lying if I said sex wasn't the only thing on my mind most of the time. When I am working out daily my libido is even higher than usual also and you mentioned he goes to the gym and maintains his looks.....I don't know to me that just made me wonder. I may be coming off as a homophobe here but I can assure you all I have nothing against gays or anything. That was just the first thought that went through my head after reading this.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

Unfortunately, I just don't think my boyfriend is sexually attracted to me. Even when I make the effort to initiate more (as I have been lately), he deliberately doesn't take the hint, or plays it off as me being silly. I am very saddened by this. I have never felt uglier or more inadequate than I do this evening.

It's understandable that you think this based on his behaviour, but I doubt your boyfriend would be with you in the first place if he wasn't sexually attracted to you. (And having seen your picture posted on here in the past, I really can't see that being the case anyway.)

There are many reasons why your boyfriend could be acting this way, and the only way to really know what's wrong is for the two of you to talk about it. Easier said than done sometimes I know, but otherwise you're just left speculating and that can lead you to completely the wrong conclusions.

 

[coyote]

Ps I've been told I'm very good haha.

see? we DO have alot in common!

 

[coyote]

....That was just the first thought that went through my head after reading this.

i had the same thought

 

[coyote]

i know a woman whose husband wasn't interested in having sex with her at all

the only reason she has two daughters is because he got drunk a couple of times

she's very attractive - the only thing i can figure is that he has some sort of suppressed traumatic memories or personal hang-ups that caused the aversion (or he's completely closeted - even from himself)

she had grown to believe that something was wrong with HER for wanting a normal, healthy, physically intimate relationship

after 22 years of marriage, her self-worth was practically non-existent

after years of therapy, she finally opted for a divorce over suicide

she is still getting in touch with her sexuality

a couple months after we met, she had been made love to more times than she had experienced in her whole life prior to that

 

[N0D]

Unfortunately, I just don't think my boyfriend is sexually attracted to me. Even when I make the effort to initiate more (as I have been lately), he deliberately doesn't take the hint, or plays it off as me being silly. I am very saddened by this. I have never felt uglier or more inadequate than I do this evening.

I'm really not sure I should say this...which probably means I shouldn't...but **** it i'm gonna say it anyway...have you considered the possibility that your bf is in the closet? Or if you're sure he isn't maybe you should probably get him to a doctor to figure out what's wrong with him.

 

[Silatuyok]

Anyways, I wanted to suggest or ask something but doing so will be taking the risk of offending you or being completely wrong and sounding dumb, but it was the first thing that came to my mind......Are you sure he is attracted to girls physically? As a 26 year old guy I can assure you that our libido is quite high and I would be lying if I said sex wasn't the only thing on my mind most of the time. When I am working out daily my libido is even higher than usual also and you mentioned he goes to the gym and maintains his looks.....I don't know to me that just made me wonder. I may be coming off as a homophobe here but I can assure you all I have nothing against gays or anything. That was just the first thought that went through my head after reading this.

i had the same thought

I'm really not sure I should say this...which probably means I shouldn't...but **** it i'm gonna say it anyway...have you considered the possibility that your bf is in the closet? Or if you're sure he isn't maybe you should probably get him to a doctor to figure out what's wrong with him.

While I don't discount this as a possibility, I don't believe it to be true at this time. Unless, of course, he is not conscious of it himself.

The way he describes our problem is that he doesn't always feel able to act on his desires. There is just some sort of inhibition that somehow grew between us, and neither of us seems to know what is causing it. He insists that he is attracted to me, but I think he is confusing physical affection and appreciation for actual sexual attraction. He thinks I am beautiful and tells me so and does nice things for me, but seems to lack the need for intimacy.

It could be depression. It could be, simply, an uncommonly low libido for a 25 year old man. Or maybe there are other, deeper issues that we need to work out. He said he was going to look into couple's counseling, but hasn't mentioned it again since then. Perhaps I will ask him about it tonight.

At any rate, it's not something I want to leave him over. I've had lots of fun in the past and if I'm doomed to a boring sex life from now on so that I can live with my best friend, then so be it. I'd rather be happy with what happens between us naturally than to keep trying to force the issue. We'll see how that goes for now.

 

[sullyS25]

While I don't discount this as a possibility, I don't believe it to be true at this time. Unless, of course, he is not conscious of it himself.

The way he describes our problem is that he doesn't always feel able to act on his desires. There is just some sort of inhibition that somehow grew between us, and neither of us seems to know what is causing it. He insists that he is attracted to me, but I think he is confusing physical affection and appreciation for actual sexual attraction. He thinks I am beautiful and tells me so and does nice things for me, but seems to lack the need for intimacy.
/QUOTE]

This description you just described to me makes me think more that he may not be sexually attracted to females but you know him better than I do and I will not tell you what he is and is not. Just consider the possibility that you might be convincing yourself he isn't because you don't want to believe he is.

Im not saying that is the case, just that it may be a possibility..

Either way this has nothing to do with you or your looks, it has to do with him. You are gorgeous so dont turn this around and beat yourself up. It has nothing to do with you and it is all in your boyfriends head. You are beautiful.

 

[Silatuyok]

I am open to the possibility, but I just believe that, if he were not sexually attracted to women, then either he or I would have gotten some sort of clue at this point. I think it is more likely that he is not very sexually attracted to women (or men), given that he does at times display that attraction.

In addition, I've had this problem with other boyfriends (and my ex-husband) so perhaps it does have something to do with me after all.

EDIT: Sorry if that doesn't make much sense, but I don't feel like re-writing it at the moment.