My father passed away and now I'm lost... any advice?

[deleted47488]

Hello everyone. I'm new here.

First of all, let me start by saying that I'm 25 years old, and I've lived with my dad my entire life. He and I did everything together, and he was basically the only person I could ever truly feel normal around. I could never speak my mind around anyone else without feeling extremely awkward. Not even my mom and I shared the same bond he and I did.

Sadly, my dad passed away suddenly on January 25th, 2014. It's been only a week and I feel so lost. He left everything to me, and I feel terrible that he wants me to use the money he spent so much of his life making to live off of. I have no goals, I have no plans. I don't feel like I deserve all he has given me.

The past week has probably been the most times I've left the house in 8 years. I've never had a job, never learned to drive. I've never really had a reason to. My mom and I would go see movies every once in a while, but that stopped eventually. The only time I would ever leave the house would be to get fast food or groceries with my dad, or to check the mailbox or take out the garbage.

My father's insurance was going to cancel me when I turn 26, so I had to go get new glasses which is frightening all in itself as it is. That, added to the whole my dad being gone forever thing really made it tough. My mom was driving me everywhere for clothes and other necessities. I finally broke down and had to tell her that I needed one day, just one single day, to be alone and gather my thoughts.

That was yesterday, and nothing has changed. My mom stopped by earlier today, when I repeatedly told her I didn't want to see or speak to anyone. I just want to be alone forever, is there anything wrong with that?

My dad and I lived a simple and quiet lifestyle here together, and I was content with my life. But now it's just not the same anymore since he's gone. I can't venture out on my own, nor do I ever want to, it's just not possible for me. I never even thought about doing so even when he was still alive. I was happy here when I was with him but now this house feels so empty without him.

My dad was the one tether that kept me sane in this world. I know he would want me to be happy, and I was happy... when I was with him. I don't think I'll ever feel truly happy again. I just don't know what to do.

 

[Kiwong]

Sorry to hear of your fathers passing. That's the same way I felt about my father, the last person in the world left that I could trust openly.

My father left me some money and I spend it on cameras and lenses, and also travel to fun runs that I compete in.

There's nothing wrong with living alone. I don't know if you can be completely alone forever, learning some interaction with the world is required to survive.

Keep trying to live, like your dad would've wanted to.

 

[Silatuyok]

I'm so sorry, that sounds like a really painful situation. It's possible that with time you will be able to adapt to living on your own if you so choose, or that you may be able to slowly integrate yourself more into the outside world. I think either decision you make is a valid one and you shouldn't feel bad for wanting to live alone. Right now you need to give yourself time to grieve not only the passing of your father, but the loss of your way of life up until this point. It's not going to feel pleasant for some time, but eventually you will start to feel better about things. It's wonderful that your mother is concerned about you, but don't feel pressured to do more than you can handle at this point in time. You've been through a lot and you're still going through a lot, so don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[MikeyC]

Your father's passing is very recent, so the whole idea of what to do next is a bit clouded. Give yourself time to heal and recover.

I'm sorry for your loss. :sad:

 

[dottie]

Sorry for your loss. Can you get into some sort of grief counseling?

 

[mismeek]

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing someone you love most in the world is hard.

I would definitely try to talk to someone. I understand that you need time to grieve alone, but you also have to start preparing for the rest of YOUR life.

Talking to someone well help you alot.

Good luck and stay strong! We are thinking of you.

 

[jc972]

I'm sorry for your loss. It's good that you two were so close and had things in common. That's a special thing that everyone don't have. The grieving process is a rough road but everyone will go through it eventually with a loved one. It sounds as if you were dependant on your dad for a lot of things and there's nothing wrong with that but now you're going to have to depend more on yourself than ever before. Just losing a loved one is bad enough without all the stress of your particular situation added to it. I couldn't imagine what you must be going through right now. Take one day at a time and deal with things as they come up instead of piling it on yourself all at once, give yourself time to deal with losing him. Is it possible to talk to your mom about whats going on? Best of luck with this and again, I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[jc972]

I'm so sorry, that sounds like a really painful situation. It's possible that with time you will be able to adapt to living on your own if you so choose, or that you may be able to slowly integrate yourself more into the outside world. I think either decision you make is a valid one and you shouldn't feel bad for wanting to live alone. Right now you need to give yourself time to grieve not only the passing of your father, but the loss of your way of life up until this point. It's not going to feel pleasant for some time, but eventually you will start to feel better about things. It's wonderful that your mother is concerned about you, but don't feel pressured to do more than you can handle at this point in time. You've been through a lot and you're still going through a lot, so don't be too hard on yourself.

Yeah, this ^^^ she said it better than I did. :thumbup:

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I'm so sorry for your loss! I think it's a blessing that he left all of his money to you. I understand you feel unworthy about it. But, it will be necessary since you have severe SA.

I don't know if you've tried therapy before, but it would help.

 

[deleted47488]

Thank you for the kind words, everyone. I am glad that you can see where I'm going from and that I'm not alone with the wanting to be alone thing.

My dad and I were always together, so I was never truly alone. But now that he's gone, I don't see a reason to want to make new friends, go out, do anything of the sort. I've never had any motivation to do any of those things, I've felt at peace with myself when I was with him.

I have been to therapy once before, but it was court ordered. After my parents got divorced, the fighting that was going on between my mom and my dad was too much at times.

That, coupled with the fact that my mom was actually both emotionally and physically abusive towards me when I was younger is the reason why I always felt sheltered when I was with my dad. My dad saved me. He was the only person in the world who I felt safe to be around, which is why when I graduated I never wanted to leave. He's the only person I could speak my mind to and feel normal with.

Luckily, the abuse eventually stopped once my mom was only allowed to be with me during supervised visitation. She has bipolar disorder and I know she never meant to do the things she did, but it's still so hard to forgive her for everything. She seems like she only wants to help me now, but our relationship has always been strained. I don't really want to cut her off completely, but my dad was basically the only reason she even came by to see me. I never could truly let go of all the terrible things she did to me.

I feel like the only way I can move on with my own life is to remove her from the equation. Is that a horrible thing to say?

 

[dottie]

I feel like the only way I can move on with my own life is to remove her from the equation. Is that a horrible thing to say?

Maybe explain to her that you just need some time and space to sort things out. Do you think she will respect that?

 

[deleted47488]

Maybe explain to her that you just need some time and space to sort things out. Do you think she will respect that?

No, probably not. I did explain it to her, several times, in fact. She doesn't understand how big of a deal this to me. I just want to be left alone, but she thinks that I need help. She told me she's just going to show up here one day out of the blue and demand I talk to her.

 

[nodejesque]

I am so sorry for your loss.

From what you describe, your dad was an amazing person. In regards to your mom, only you know what is best for you. If you don't want to sever all ties completely, then maybe start off slow, and give her the opportunty to regain your trust.

Just always be aware. You seem like a strong person, and already have been through so much. I wish you the best. And if you'd ever like to talk, you can pm me.

Again, sorry for the loss of your dad and friend.

 

[fishingforbooks]

Find Jesus man

 

[deleted47488]

I am so sorry for your loss.

From what you describe, your dad was an amazing person. In regards to your mom, only you know what is best for you. If you don't want to sever all ties completely, then maybe start off slow, and give her the opportunty to regain your trust.

Just always be aware. You seem like a strong person, and already have been through so much. I wish you the best. And if you'd ever like to talk, you can pm me.

Again, sorry for the loss of your dad and friend.

My dad was an amazing person, that's true. He did everything for me and I am truly so happy and thankful for the time I got to share with him. Some people don't even meet their fathers, I am truly lucky that he was so supportive in me and let me live the way that I chose, as a recluse and closed off from 99% of the outside world. It was how we both wanted to live, and I still want to keep living this way.

As for my mother, I do not know if I want to continue on with her in my life. She keeps guilt tripping me and saying I don't care about her, that I'm being mean to her. She doesn't understand that the reason I have been angry with her is because she keeps showing up when I repeatedly told her to give me time. Also the whole social anxiety thing... I could never really talk to her the way I could with my dad. My dad was basically the only thing keeping my relationship with her alive, and now that he's gone, I really don't see how I can ever be the same around her.

 

[agoraphobickatie]

let me start by saying i can't possible imagine your pain.. i'm 25 as well, and my dad is literally my rock, my number one fan and my most positive support in my life. i'm truly terrified of losing him, and i'm so sorry you're having to live that nightmare right now. i know i would be lost and horrified as well

as far as your mom, i can understand where you're coming from there, too.. my mother wasn't necessarily physically or verbally abusive, but she was an alcoholic and i lived alone with her after my parents divorced when i was 11. it was very emotionally abusive and to this day i struggle with resentment towards her for the things she put me through as a result of her intense alcoholism. i tend to disrespect her or get annoyed with her very easily because i still feel angry about things that she has never even acknowledged or apologized for.. my mother also guilt trips me and says i'm selfish or a brat or that i'm not thankful, that i just pick at her and don't care how she feels, etc etc.. which isn't true, but there's such an unspoken animosity between us that i don't really know what else to do. when i've told her that i struggle with dealing with the crap she put me through, she said "well you can't live in the past.." which really irritated me. she doesn't like to talk about it and it's just frustrating and freaking annoying...

now that i've spilled all that, i just want to say that you have to do what will make you some semblance of happy. if she is a negative aspect in your life, you don't have to keep her there just because she is your mom. yes, you can try to reason with her, try to talk with her, even try counseling together to deal with your past, but if she's not open to that, if she doesn't want to "compromise" or accept how you feel, then you don't have to let her continue to cause negativity in your life.

life for you now will be all new. i don't want to sound at all crass or mean here, but now you have to make your life your own, and go about it the best way you can. all you can every do is try. facing such a loss is debilitating, and you need and should take the time that you need to deal with your feelings instead of run from them. of course your father would want you to be happy, so now it's up to you to figure out what that is and make it happen. i know you said you liked being with him, you liked being alone, and i can relate 100%, i'm very much a homebody and an introvert, i'm not a people person, i'm perfectly content with being by myself in my room at all times.. i say that to tell you to be open about what may make you happy. open yourself up to new things, because as awful as it is, this is your new life, make it something to be happy about and honor your sweet father by taking control of yourself and your life and creating a happiness for yourself through such a tragic time...

again, i'm truly sorry, i hope i've helped in some way.. =/

 

[deleted47488]

Katie,

As weird as it sounds, I am glad that you and I can relate on so many different levels. I really hope that you never have to lose your father in such an unexpected way as I did. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.

I feel like I have all of this bottled up anger that I've been holding onto for so long when it comes to my mom. She never once apologized for the things she did, she actually denied that any of it ever happened. She might not have thought it happened but I know it did, and I can't just let it go. I really believe that the way she treated me is a big part of the reason why I can't ever get close to people. I feel like if I get too close to someone, I'm just going to be hurt the way she hurt me. That's why I wanted to stay with my dad for pretty much the rest of my life, but that's not an option anymore.

My dad would have wanted me to move on with my life in whatever way I was most comfortable with, and I've always been content in this house with him. Though he is gone now, his spirit will be with me and the happiest I could feel at the moment would be to continue living the same way as I had been when he was here. Too much change would not be a good thing for me right now, especially after this.

My mother doesn't seem to understand how much of a tragedy this is to me, she thinks life is just going to move on. It isn't, at least not for me. Not for a long time. I can't just brush this off. I can't just let her try to railroad me out of what I want to do with my life. She has been a negative in my mostly positive life for far too long. My step-brother, who lives half the country away, stopped talking to her for about the last year, that's how bad she got. He was fed up with the way she treated him, even from afar. I've basically only tolerated her to keep the peace between her and my dad. Not anymore. She's not in control of me and I won't let her be. Not anymore.

 

[agoraphobickatie]

one of the most difficult things to learn, and deal with, is that we can't change how people treat us. we can't change what they feel, and we can't change how they act. we can only change our own feelings and actions. i guess we just have to suck it up and know that that is the way our mom's are.. that's been hard for me. my dad and my sister are both just like "well, that's just how she is, she's selfish and she doesn't think about all of that stuff, blah blah", and i'm just like wtf? that's just unfair.. one thing my mom does a lot is play the victim. she just acts like i'm being the one out of hand. 2 and a half years ago i actually moved 3 hours from my dad and his side of the family to move in with my sister and niece in the city my mom and her side of the family lives in. since then i've had all of these feelings of resentment come up with my mom and i've had to deal with her a lot. i guess i've just learned to let it be. to let her be herself and not let it dictate my feelings or actions, ya know? it's very difficult and annoying and frustrating!

i'm glad to hear though that you're brave enough to take the actions you need to take to get rid of the negative in your life. you just have to let your mom think what she wants, and that's okay. you know your feelings, you know your relationship with your father, nothing she says or thinks can change that, so ya might as well let her think wrong, lol.. it's hard to just let people think the wrong things, but when it comes down to it, what they think truly doesn't change the reality of the situation, so we might as well just let it be...

again, i really hope you can work through this and that things go well for you! i'm just so sorry for your loss, i know that sounds phony but it's true.. best wishes to you!!

 

[deleted47488]

I understand where you are coming from, Katie. I have always deep down resented my mom for everything she ever did to me, and I truly didn't want to feel that way. It's just so hard to let go and forgive her. I've tried and tried to be nice with her as much as I could, for the sake of my dad. My dad was the real glue that was holding us all together and he basically was the only real connection between my mom and I.

He's not here anymore and I feel like if he truly wants me to be happy for myself, I have to let myself make the decision as to whether I should continue to let her into my life or not. She's never really accepted me for who I am. She's always continued to pressure me to get out the house, go to school, make friends, get a job, do something with my life. I know I'm not normal and all of those things don't feel like possibilities to me. I know it wasn't all entirely her fault for me being this way, there's many other reasons too, but she played a big role in the way I am.

After my parents divorced, I wanted so badly just to cut her off forever, but I always felt guilty in wanting to do so. She made it seem like I was the reason she did every mean thing to me. She's better now, and even her health is not that great anymore, but the hurt is still there. She's done a lot for me in the past week and a half since my dad died, but that was only necessary things like driving me around. I don't need her for that, and it's really not worth it anymore. I had already felt so awkward and struggled to even talk to her about anything even before he died, the feelings of resentment have just intensified since then.

Thank you for taking the time to comment on my situation, Katie. It really has helped make me feel not so alone in this.

 

[awkwardamanda]

As for my mother, I do not know if I want to continue on with her in my life. She keeps guilt tripping me and saying I don't care about her, that I'm being mean to her. She doesn't understand that the reason I have been angry with her is because she keeps showing up when I repeatedly told her to give me time. Also the whole social anxiety thing... I could never really talk to her the way I could with my dad. My dad was basically the only thing keeping my relationship with her alive, and now that he's gone, I really don't see how I can ever be the same around her.

Do you have some other relative who can speak on your behalf and stand up to your mom for you? Is there somebody who knows how to be firm with her that she's more likely to listen to?