Hello Dyingtolive, the kindness was taken away and replaced with suspicion and avoidance. Her friends gossiped about me and that was the most hurtful.
I overheard them say " I can't believe he is hitting on her."
I loved her, they were deep, real feelings, it wasn't a cheap attempt to pick up someone, that it was what I think 'hitting on' someone is.
I finished up writing her a letter saying sorry for annoying her, and telling her that her kindness meant a lot to me, and wishing her the best, and she wrote a really nice reply to me, saying she always thought fondly of me.
After that my anxiety started to develop and I could no longer talk to her or be near her, I didn't want to annoy her, didn't want to feel that horrible feeling of hurt and fear. Since then my anxiety has deteriorated so much that I can't talk to anyone, for fear of feeling this kind of rejection again.
I feared that in the office I had a earned a reputation as being shallow, and this shattered me inside. I don't have the confidence to be approach people even on a frienship level, and this hurts me inside so much. I got angry and withdrew from the people in the office.
Not long after, I had a whole series of panic attacks, and was seriously unwell for a few years with anxiety, depression, fatigue and knee pain. I started avoiding places like newsagents, supermarkets, chemists, restuarants. My anxiety was noticeable and some people around town started to notice and talk about it. I developed a repuatation with some of the runners and triathlestes around town, people I'd never spoken to were calling me names, people mumbled at me as I walked down the mall. I just wasn't to become anonymous
I had a break down last July and that is when I joined this site. I told everyone that I ran with that I suffered from anxiety, because running wasn't something I was willing to lose from my life. The people were really good about it, and I have some days where I think everything will be allright, and other times the old fears resurface.
I've improved through my running, and have lived some great days lately, but my anxiety still causes problems.
Basically I fear giving people the impression I am hitting on them, because the fear of ten years resurfaces again and again. To be judged as shallow is just about the worst fear I can feel. Now I am trying to rebuild my confidence of being able to talk to people without fear.
Sorry for the rant, it turned into a novella.