Meeting The Parents Anxiety

[paperie]

I've been with my boyfriend for around 5 years and although he would like me to have a closer relationship with his parents, I can't seem to spend much time with them without having major anxiety.

Tonight we were supposed to have dinner with them. I spent all day trying to mentally prepare myself, got ready and right before we were about to leave....I pretty much psyched myself out and burst out crying. This has happened several times before, so at this point I think he's getting a bit tired of making excuses for why I'm never with him. His response was, "you're not going to die....it's only a couple hours"....but as soon as I start crying, I get it in my head that there's no way I can go.

I just feel so immature and ashamed of myself. I WANT to go, I just don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I could just be a normal person and go out and enjoy dinner and a nice conversation with his parents. They are nice people. They just intimidate me. He constantly reassures me that they like me, but I always get the feeling they must think I'm weird because I'm so quiet and shy. I always tell my boyfriend that he deserves better, someone more normal. I'm sure his parents think poorly of me because I never show up, so now I feel even more anxious when it comes to spending time with them.

Any advice? Anyone else experience this? I feel like so pathetic right now. I really need to "man up" and stop avoiding situations like this. It's just so hard to move past my mental block.

 

[this_portrait]

I wish I could say something more useful than, "Just dive right in," but I don't think I ever got the opportunity to get anxious over first meeting a guy's parents, since I met my ex's parents just after 3 or 4 dates. (On the other hand, my anxiety did end up increasing the more I went around them, mostly because I was afraid I'd say something stupid.) You really just can't think about it before it happens.

 

[Starry]

Do his parents know about your anxiety? If they do then they'll understand a little more what you're going through and will not think badly of you.

Maybe you could try more informal meetings with his parents? Instead of having a meal for a couple of hours, would it not be possible to visit for a short time, say half an hour?

I hope you can sort things out in this regard.

 

[Jessica7]

oh my god are you me?? This is exactly how I feel!
My boyfriend comes from a very intelligent family and I feel like nothing compared to them, it's the worst. I am also afraid that his family will think I am rude because I don't talk much, but I am just so scared

Going to a dinner with the parents sounds really scary, I don't know if I would be able to do that either, but I agree with what Starry said.
I think that seeing them every now and then for short amounts of time would help you get to know them better and also build up your confidence - that way a big dinner with them wouldn't seem so intimidating

 

[Foxface]

That's one thing about having a girlfriend/boyfriend. It would be very bad for me, especially having dinner, as I find it hard to eat in front of strangers.

It's hard when I go into a resturant so I always sit on the inside of the both, if my sister is with me. We usually only go out of my whole family is there. Isn't often now, as my sister has her own apartment now.

Last month, Me and my Mom were out. We went to McDonalds for food. I wanted to drive home first. My Mom said that the food is always cold, since it's like a 10 minute drive home. I finally gave in and ate at a both that is mostly concealed behind a wall. Makes matters worse, there is an attractive cashier their who took our order. I am trying my best to avoid her and not gawk. The whole situation made me feel uncomfortable.

I was glad to finally find a both to sit down, then the last 7-8 minutes, I see her again, she is sweeping the floor and is in clear view of me, and not that far from me. I had fineshed my food by then, just drinking my milk shake. I hate that. Everytime I go there, there is ALWAYS at least one really attractive girl there. I don't go to McDonalds often. Fast food places, you are more likely to find a hot girl at the cashier. It is rare that I go into one that I don't see someone attractive. It's bad becuase I like fast food places. THe good thing, is that it gets me to avoid them, becuase they're not healthy.

That same day, We went to Dartmouth to look at plants for the yard. There is a cute girl there. Not really hot the like the girl at the McDonalds, but really cute. The hotter they are, the more it makes me uncomfortable and more hard to avoid.

 

[Agent_Violet]

I used to have panic attacks when it came to dealing with my exhusband's family. Especially his mother.

The only thing that worked for me was having my ex just spring it on me at the last minute so I didn't have time to worry. If I wasn't mentally preparing to interact with them I didn't panic.

 

[paperie]

Do his parents know about your anxiety? If they do then they'll understand a little more what you're going through and will not think badly of you.

Maybe you could try more informal meetings with his parents? Instead of having a meal for a couple of hours, would it not be possible to visit for a short time, say half an hour?

I hope you can sort things out in this regard.

Great idea, I think I would feel much more comfortable with just a short casual visits. Just the whole restaurant scenario has always intimidated me (even when it came to dating haha).

 

[paperie]

oh my god are you me?? This is exactly how I feel!
My boyfriend comes from a very intelligent family and I feel like nothing compared to them, it's the worst. I am also afraid that his family will think I am rude because I don't talk much, but I am just so scared

Going to a dinner with the parents sounds really scary, I don't know if I would be able to do that either, but I agree with what Starry said.
I think that seeing them every now and then for short amounts of time would help you get to know them better and also build up your confidence - that way a big dinner with them wouldn't seem so intimidating

I feel that way too, I feel like I'm not good enough for them. I never have anything to say when they're having a conversation, I feel like they are all smarter than me. I just sit there like durrrrrr My boyfriend reassures me that they like me, but I just get this feeling that they don't. I'm sure they think I'm a weirdo! I just hope they realize I'm shy and don't think I'm a bitch. I've skipped out on so many get togethers so I'm sure they don't believe the lame excuses my bf makes up for me :/

 

[paperie]

I used to have panic attacks when it came to dealing with my exhusband's family. Especially his mother.

The only thing that worked for me was having my ex just spring it on me at the last minute so I didn't have time to worry. If I wasn't mentally preparing to interact with them I didn't panic.

I will say I have no problem with his dad, even when I had to spend some time with him alone (something in our house was being repaired). His mom on the other hand, scares the **** out of me haha.

 

[paperie]

That's one thing about having a girlfriend/boyfriend. It would be very bad for me, especially having dinner, as I find it hard to eat in front of strangers.

It's hard when I go into a resturant so I always sit on the inside of the both, if my sister is with me. We usually only go out of my whole family is there. Isn't often now, as my sister has her own apartment now.

Last month, Me and my Mom were out. We went to McDonalds for food. I wanted to drive home first. My Mom said that the food is always cold, since it's like a 10 minute drive home. I finally gave in and ate at a both that is mostly concealed behind a wall. Makes matters worse, there is an attractive cashier their who took our order. I am trying my best to avoid her and not gawk. The whole situation made me feel uncomfortable.

I was glad to finally find a both to sit down, then the last 7-8 minutes, I see her again, she is sweeping the floor and is in clear view of me, and not that far from me. I had fineshed my food by then, just drinking my milk shake. I hate that. Everytime I go there, there is ALWAYS at least one really attractive girl there. I don't go to McDonalds often. Fast food places, you are more likely to find a hot girl at the cashier. It is rare that I go into one that I don't see someone attractive. It's bad becuase I like fast food places. THe good thing, is that it gets me to avoid them, becuase they're not healthy.

That same day, We went to Dartmouth to look at plants for the yard. There is a cute girl there. Not really hot the like the girl at the McDonalds, but really cute. The hotter they are, the more it makes me uncomfortable and more hard to avoid.

I'm very particular about where I sit when at a restaurant. I always chose seating that is away from others and I sit on the side of the booth that isn't facing anyone. If someone can see me eating, I feel uncomfortable ::

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Meeting your significant other's parents is tough. I get very nervous!
Are things any better now?

 

[jaim38]

I have never dated, but when I meet my friends' parents, I get very anxious.
A while back, a Christian woman invited me to her apartment and I get to meet her husband. We were sitting on a table eating dinner and he was asking me questions, I guess trying to get to know me a bit more. But for some reason, my answers came out wrong and I felt like I fool. I could tell that the people at the table were a bit unnerved by my answers as well.
Now if anyone mentions inviting me to dinner, I will not go.

 

[Section_31]

I SOOOO hate this!!!

Couple this with having SBS and not being able to use a strange bathroom, and omfg it sucks so bad!!!

I didnt see if youve gone or not, but if you havnt, set up a reward for yourself afterwards!. You deserve it!

 

[Lamb]

I feel that way too, I feel like I'm not good enough for them. I never have anything to say when they're having a conversation, I feel like they are all smarter than me. I just sit there like durrrrrr My boyfriend reassures me that they like me, but I just get this feeling that they don't. I'm sure they think I'm a weirdo! I just hope they realize I'm shy and don't think I'm a bitch. I've skipped out on so many get togethers so I'm sure they don't believe the lame excuses my bf makes up for me :/

lol! This sounds exactly like me. Only, I have met the parents. The family sits around discussing politics. Of course, I don't want to open my mouth so I'll go outside to play with the dog or find some distraction to get out of these talks.

I'll note, it does get easier. Attempt a short visit, let your boyfriend know and plan an activity afterwards so you're not stuck there. You will find commonground with his parents, trust me. Just take small steps in breaking the ice. Most parents will understand nerves with first introductions. I ended up admitting it myself to them so they were aware incase I stuttered or turned red. It's really not as bad as it seems. In my case, although they're an incredibly smart and ambitious family, the exact opposite of mine, they know I make their son happy and that's what counts.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

"they know I make their son happy and that's what counts."

That's the bottom line. If they're a good family that's the main thing. As long as you make your significant other happy, who could ask for more....

 

[BigJoe82]

i know that feeling. i always imagine if i found a girlfriend and telling her parents that i'm anti-social how they would react. i just never feel like i'm good enough for anyone.

if you want a tip try having them come to your place so you can feel safe. if something goes wrong you can always go to your room and feel safe where you can relax.

 

[THeCARS1979]

I've been with my boyfriend for around 5 years and although he would like me to have a closer relationship with his parents, I can't seem to spend much time with them without having major anxiety.

Tonight we were supposed to have dinner with them. I spent all day trying to mentally prepare myself, got ready and right before we were about to leave....I pretty much psyched myself out and burst out crying. This has happened several times before, so at this point I think he's getting a bit tired of making excuses for why I'm never with him. His response was, "you're not going to die....it's only a couple hours"....but as soon as I start crying, I get it in my head that there's no way I can go.

I just feel so immature and ashamed of myself. I WANT to go, I just don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I could just be a normal person and go out and enjoy dinner and a nice conversation with his parents. They are nice people. They just intimidate me. He constantly reassures me that they like me, but I always get the feeling they must think I'm weird because I'm so quiet and shy. I always tell my boyfriend that he deserves better, someone more normal. I'm sure his parents think poorly of me because I never show up, so now I feel even more anxious when it comes to spending time with them.

Any advice? Anyone else experience this? I feel like so pathetic right now. I really need to "man up" and stop avoiding situations like this. It's just so hard to move past my mental block.

Hey i think you will be ok, noone is that judgemental. Im sure theyll like you and get to know you better. Im sure drinking some water may help you in a way. Maybe your not 100% but noone actually is. Try deep breathing techniques and that may work. Write down reassuring ideas that youll be okay its only anxiety. If they off you coffee , take it and youll be okay cause everyone gets those feelings inside. Id feel the same way

 

[MikeyC]

I always seem to get along better with the parents than with the girl I'm trying to impress.

So there's that.

 

[paperie]

Thanks for the replies everyone
I've improved a lot since I first posted this thread. I stopped skipping every meet up with them and just started forcing myself to go. I feel a lot more comfortable around his parents now and not very nervous. I actually enjoy the time we spend with them. It seems like they have relaxed a bit around me too, they are more open and humorous.....maybe my nerves made them feel a bit uneasy around me too lol.