Maintaining mystery over your SA/depression is better than being upfront about it

[Waybuloo]

For the reason that People find you more interesting if you are reserved or aloof, rather than if you just admit you are a jibbering wreck or can't make friends or relate to people and hence act avoidant. I speak from personal experience. My friend who emails me often and always replies ASAP to my uninteresting emails found out about my problems and no longer acts the same. It can't be because she's busy because she's always been busy yet she was able to respond to me quickly before. I dont' really have a problem with this change but it just made me realise and want to share with you. Be prepared for people to want to distance themselves a bit, if not totally, if you confide in them about your fears and shortcomings.

If anyone has different experiences i'd be interested to hear.

 

[IGotSeoul]

The people I tell find difficultly in knowing how to react or how to approach me after finding out.

 

[Waybuloo]

Thanks for the tip, I've been wondering myself whether or not to tell close ones why I sometimes do and say the things I do... Perhaps its better just to keep quiet then... But sometimes, I just wish they knew, so that they would understand why I am quiet sometimes....

I think I would choose carefully who to tell. I have very close family members (our relationships can be strained sometimes but i've never lived up a pretence of being problem free), and can confide in them because I know that they will accept me at the end of the day. By the way i'm an only child so my parents have no choice ::

I think this applies more to friends because they can be more selective than family members.

 

[deadend]

I just recently told my boss (without specifics, I just said mental illness). He's a pretty understanding guy. If it can effect my work performance, I figure that it's best for him to know.

As a general rule, yes, it's best to be selective about who you tell.

Everyone goes through some **** in their lives. Don't have to hide it if you don't want to, but you don't have to announce it to the world either.

 

[Vampayah88]

Nobody knows about my problems...not even my best friend. I'm afraid to tell anyone cause I think it would make me look pathetic. I don't want people to know i have no friends and often feel depressed and lonely, I always lie about these stuff, though some ppl suspect that about me..which sucks.

 

[coyote]

i think most people are more interested in the end result than the reasons for it

they already know that you have trouble interacting with other people

or, if not, maybe you can tell them that - "I have trouble interacting with other people."

really, what else do you need to say?

 

[IGotSeoul]

i think most people are more interested in the end result than the reasons for it

they already know that you have trouble interacting with other people

or, if not, maybe you can tell them that - "I have trouble interacting with other people."

really, what else do you need to say?

I have trouble interacting with other people.

Whats your response?

 

[popolala]

my old friend can tell through my words whether or not i am really happy or pretending to be, and would let me know that if something is botthering me, that they are there for me. i didnt even had to mention anything, i think words can show emotion.

people can normally tell how you feel, they just dont point it out. they just make you feel better by involving you or do things that they know will cheer u up.
but some people like to point it out thinking they the only one who knows, like this guy who i knew had sa problem, pointed out to me that he can tell i have sa, and he told me, that nobody knows except him. which obviously isnt true, its just people dont point it out, but he does because i know that this is his character, which is why he has problem, because hes judgemental.

 

[coyote]

I have trouble interacting with other people.

Whats your response?

yeah, good point

i figure if they care about you, they'll ask why in an attempt to understand

if they only care about how your failure to interact affects them - then they'll only want to hear how you're going to fix the problem or "just get over it"

at least that's been my experience

 

[IGotSeoul]

yeah, good point

i figure if they care about you, they'll ask why in an attempt to understand

if they only care about how your failure to interact affects them - then they'll only want to hear how you're going to fix the problem or "just get over it"

at least that's been my experience

well said, it really can distinguish who and who not to welcome into your life.

edit; on a bit of light note I tried telling somebody just now, but I somehow managed to type, "I have trouble with people interacting with people." and then immediately logged off.

 

[alwaysrunning]

Less than a month ago my "friends" kept pestering me about why i dont express my feelings and emotions and about wanting to learn more about me. To share with them just like they would with me. It took an extreme valour to tell them about my SA and my obsessive thoughts i have about food and body iimage. Needless to say, now im too much of a burden and too depressing to be around. Id rather be aolof like you say (mysteriousz) than to be looked at as needy and pathetic depressing fool. I have no friends now and i actually feel better with myself, there is no more of a need to be fake ,when its just me =).

 

[Kiwong]

I've told a lot of people about my anxiety, and many people have been good about it. I get the impression from some others that they don't believe me. I rather be considered nuts than dishonest.

 

[lurknomore]

I've only told family or close family friends- I don't have any close friends (besides online) right now. The reactions I've gotten range from practically ignoring it/saying nothing about it (my sisters), to my mom saying things like (about my phone phobia) "just do it and you'll get over it," to my brother and his friend just making snide/sarcastic remarks about my social inabilities. No one seems to care or try to understand. *sigh*

 

[GloomySunday]

Whilst people on forums like this can be very understanding, in my experience that does not always extend to people in the outside world, which is a shame.

I have had some unfortunate experiences with people who I dared to open up to and found that, whilst they didn't exactly run away immediately, they did cool off a little. And that hurt.

I choose my words more carefully now. For example, I went to a family wedding last week and only stayed for the service. I slipped out quietly after the bride and groom signed the register.

When asked why I didn't stay for the reception afterwards, I just said that those sort of things "aren't really my bag" and make me a little uncomfortable. I don't really go into the, "I have social anxiety" thing. It just isn't worth dealing with the reaction I know I'll get (i.e. either being avoided, branded as being 'high maintenance' or being subjected to endless, "Oh, my God you have to get help...you need counselling...you need medication...you must read this book...etc") which can be overwhelming.

Ultimately, I think we have to be like the people we want to attract. I try and be cool, calm and approachable most of the time. I have a sense of humour. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve like I used to. I have good qualities. Social anxiety doesn't define who I am. There's more to me (and all of us here) than that. It's better to focus on those things. Positives rather than the negatives.

A little mystery is good, though.

 

[Patrick26]

I guess i am lucky because nobody cares about mine, and if people do they can bite me, and i'll personally tell them that. I guess they don't distance themselves because i goof off with everyone still, and flirt with the girls at my work. But outside of work i don't really know anyone.

 

[Why]

i always wonder if im lucky enuff to meet a girl and get close with, how would i break my lifestyle to her? surely it would deter ne1 from getting close to me.


I often wish i could tell every1 i knew so they know why i act the way i act (i believe ppl think im the way i am due to cockiness, arrogance, haughtiness)

 

[Darryl]

I would give her the benefit of doubt.

By showing your cards is a good thing, this is the first time she has heard your story and is trying to digest it... or it might be innocent.

Give her time, give her your friendship, she'll be back.

This also teaches you strategic ways to be strong when things change.

Kind Regards
Darryl

 

[Darryl]

i always wonder if im lucky enuff to meet a girl and get close with, how would i break my lifestyle to her? surely it would deter ne1 from getting close to me.


I often wish i could tell every1 i knew so they know why i act the way i act (i believe ppl think im the way i am due to cockiness, arrogance, haughtiness)

Hey WHY,

If you met a girl and you started to get close, she would be like the way you are.

You would'nt blurt out the very first second you saw her "I HAVE SA"

Usually the more close you become the more you give away about yourself.

So look out ladies here comes WHY

Sorry to hijack this thread
"cupid" I mean Darryl::

 

[R3K]

i posted something like this in a similar thread, forgot where though, but here's a quick rehash, just my own opinion from personal experience btw:

People are afraid of unknown and alien things, especially if it's a clique you're a part of. everyone in the clique usually has something(s) in common and everyone gets security and comfort from these common things. So when one person in the social group breaks out and says "hey guys i have this disorder," i think everyone kinda freaks out, saying each to themselves: i don't want to be known to associate with someone who has such a strange, unpopular disorder, it'll make me look bad. and rather than band together to help the person with SA deal with their problem and continue accepting them, they all take the easy, painless route and just quietly dissociate the person from the clique.

it's all fear, a lot of people are afraid to be associated with "abnormal" people cause theyre over-cognizant of their own self image and status in whatever peer group, etc.

 

[Apotheosis]

Everybody is attracted to mystery, but many secrets are hidden in dark places.

For myself I never open up completely anymore; to do otherwise would just bring more worry and sadness to other people, and I refuse to facilitate that when I can stop it outright.

Secrets are secret for good reason.