MikeyC
Well-known member
That was not the response I was expecting!
The only drug I'm into is alcohol so I wouldn't come over and drop acid, but I would have a drink or two. I hope you all have fun and stay safe in the process!
Loyal's Thoughts
- Thread starter LoyalXenite
- Start date
The only drug I'm into is alcohol so I wouldn't come over and drop acid, but I would have a drink or two. I hope you all have fun and stay safe in the process!
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
That was not the response I was expecting!
i So rarely do any sort of drug, it really is once or twice a year, but we are always safe :thumbup:
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Very excited for this party tonight! I dont remember the last time i felt this excited for something, for anything really...
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
An update on the current situation for everyone. My ex and I cannot be friends. Last night i threw a party and after it my ex slept with a (now former) friend of mine. I feel so hurt and betrayed that she would do that. I know he is a total man slut and i made him promise me that he would not sleep with her, but he did it anyway. I texted him telling him that i want nothing to do with him and how unforgivable it is. I know my ex implemented it but i still feel very hurt and betrayed by him too. I hate him so much and i cant forgive either of them. Unfortunately i still love my ex so much so i dont know what to do, but its clear that we cant be friends because she is going to continue sleeping with him, and she thinks she might have some odd feelings towards him. Meaning there is a potential that she will fall in love with him. Im so ****ing hurt and lost right now, i just dont know what to do. I just wish i could crawl into bed forever and just die in there. I know i cant, and im going to keep trying to focus on uni and getting myself better. But im so devastated and broken right now.
Last edited:
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Trying to write a list of the positive things in my life and the things i am grateful for. Really needing to remind myself of why i can get through this...
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
I went and saw my doctor today. She said im in a crisis situation and is referring me to a suicide prevention program and is putting me into some serious intensive therapy plans. She is also going to help me sort out some stuff with the uni coz im falling so far behind. She says because of my chronic mental health issues as well as the fact that i am dangerously close to suicide right now i am entitled to special consideration from the uni. Seeing her helped coz i feel like im going to get some help.
But im really struggling through the day today.
All i want to do is go to the train station and jump in front of a train. But at the same time i know i can get through this. Im trying so hard to get through this.
But im really struggling through the day today.
All i want to do is go to the train station and jump in front of a train. But at the same time i know i can get through this. Im trying so hard to get through this.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
This day is so hard to get through.
Im very close to calling a support help line... im so miserable and hurt. I want this all to end.
Im very close to calling a support help line... im so miserable and hurt. I want this all to end.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
She came around today, my ex. I had two friends here trying to cheer me up because they are worried about how suicidal i am right now and wanted to help. One of them had texted her an angry message telling her off for what she did. But my ex didnt realise who it was from so she got worried that i had arranged for someone to hurt her! (I would NEVER do that to her) so she came around. She was so upset and worried that i just went totally soft. Told her that i would never hurt her like that and that i loved her so much, we talked for a while, i told her that i hate not having her in my life but it hurts so much that she wont stop seeing him. She said she cant stop seeing him because he is the only comfort she has. I went so weak and kissed her before she left, which led to her kissing me back which then led to her sobbing in my arms for a while. I dont know what to do, i miss her so much but she hurt me so bad.
neardeath
Well-known member
The situation sounds so difficult. Please take care of yourself and follow up on getting the help. I know I always mean to, but I usually put it off when I should be letting someone actually help me through things.
Relationships can be crazy-making. If my ex was dating a guy and kissing me, that would be putting me over the edge, too! Hang in there, LoyalXenite.
Relationships can be crazy-making. If my ex was dating a guy and kissing me, that would be putting me over the edge, too! Hang in there, LoyalXenite.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
They almost locked me in the psych ward today. They (the doctor i mean) sent me to the hospital and had me assessed. It was a very close call, i managed to keep myself out of the psych ward but if i get any worse i wont have a choice soon really...
Instead im being put into serious intensive therapy and suicide prevention programs. Hoping i dont get locked up. The thought terrifies me.
Instead im being put into serious intensive therapy and suicide prevention programs. Hoping i dont get locked up. The thought terrifies me.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Im feeling very worthless today, struggling with my emotions. Wanting it all to end.
I wish i could just not feel any emotions. I'd happily give up the good ones not to feel the bad ones...
I wish i could just not feel any emotions. I'd happily give up the good ones not to feel the bad ones...
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Took a bad turn today, cant seem to control my thoughts and emotions. After doing the cleaning i had to do i couldnt focus on uni work. Also i was left alone so i had no distractions and no inner strength so i broke apart a razor head and made a few shallow cuts on my leg. Not deep at all, really very shallow, barely deeper than a paper cut. Just enough to bleed. Just enough to have some form of release.
But now im not doing well... I just want to end it. I want this all to stop.
But now im not doing well... I just want to end it. I want this all to stop.
MikeyC
Well-known member
For f*ck sake, Loyal.
I think it's time you went and saw someone. This is serious and you know it's serious.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
I know. I am waiting on them to call me back with an appointment. i know i need help. :kickingmyself:
I havent self harmed in two years, i hate that today i broke down and did it. I hate that i've let them get to me like this.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Im starting to wonder whether im just hell bent on self destruction or am addicted to my ex, or my misery... Not sure which one it is...
She came over today because we needed to register one of the cats with the council, so i went with her then ended up spending a couple hours just hanging out with her. It started out fine, light hearted banter and chatting which was really nice, but of course serious conversation topics kept being brushed and i think we both just got a look at how messed up each other is right now. I knew she was a wreck but i dont think she realised how bad i am.
I've tried to hide it from everyone, im letting everyone think im getting better. I know i need to be away from her to heal. But i just seem to not be able to stop myself i want to be in her presence still. I really do think im somewhat addicted to her or something. I know we will never get back together and the best we could hope for is friends, but a part of me will always be waiting for her, always wanting her. She was my reason for living, she was the reason i didnt kill myself 2 years ago. She was my whole world.
I know im ****ed up right now, im reverting back to the person i was before i met her, a very damaged person really. I'm getting back a devil-may-care attitude and walking around with an almost strut really... Its how i protected myself growing up. So its how im protecting myself now, only problem is that person i used to be was a regular cutter, regular self harmer... So its not a good person to be, but its who i need to be right now to survive this. But i think how ****ed up i am really upset her, and i tried so hard to not let her know just how ****ed i am, but she sees through my bravado like no one else does..
At least i can keep everyone else fooled...
She came over today because we needed to register one of the cats with the council, so i went with her then ended up spending a couple hours just hanging out with her. It started out fine, light hearted banter and chatting which was really nice, but of course serious conversation topics kept being brushed and i think we both just got a look at how messed up each other is right now. I knew she was a wreck but i dont think she realised how bad i am.
I've tried to hide it from everyone, im letting everyone think im getting better. I know i need to be away from her to heal. But i just seem to not be able to stop myself i want to be in her presence still. I really do think im somewhat addicted to her or something. I know we will never get back together and the best we could hope for is friends, but a part of me will always be waiting for her, always wanting her. She was my reason for living, she was the reason i didnt kill myself 2 years ago. She was my whole world.
I know im ****ed up right now, im reverting back to the person i was before i met her, a very damaged person really. I'm getting back a devil-may-care attitude and walking around with an almost strut really... Its how i protected myself growing up. So its how im protecting myself now, only problem is that person i used to be was a regular cutter, regular self harmer... So its not a good person to be, but its who i need to be right now to survive this. But i think how ****ed up i am really upset her, and i tried so hard to not let her know just how ****ed i am, but she sees through my bravado like no one else does..
At least i can keep everyone else fooled...
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
She just called me, she is a wreck really. She is feeling very suicidal. -HE- called her asking her over for movies/dinner (aka sex) and she doesnt really want to go but she is feeling too suicidal so i told her she cant be alone and if he is the only one she can be with right now (coz being with me is what got her so emotional, seeing me reverted has gotten to her) then she has to do what she has to do. I told her that if she needs anything to call me, and made her promise to call me before doing anything, and i will be there in a flash.
Im now feeling absolutely terrified for her. Im all over the place really.
Im now feeling absolutely terrified for her. Im all over the place really.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
I made this last night, i put it up on a cheater's naming and shaming website... Also sent it to my friends.. i know its petty but i needed to feel like i got some sort of revenge on him... So this was it... mg:
I made it from a friends perspective instead of saying it was me coz i just felt rather ashamed of my pettiness and didnt want my ex to find out i did it then hate me for it...
mg:I made it from a friends perspective instead of saying it was me coz i just felt rather ashamed of my pettiness and didnt want my ex to find out i did it then hate me for it...
Attachments
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
I had a visit from community mental health today, they are organizing for me to be put into a program consisting of group therapy and intensive individual therapy. Problem is it doesnt start until next year..
In the meantime they will give me calls periodically to see how im doing.
My friend made her brother invite me to his 21st party, i feel a little awkward about it coz i know she made him invite me, he did invite me to his 18th but that was different. He wasnt planning to invite any of his sisters's friends, im going only coz i know he will have reorganised the tables slightly to fit me in and i would feel rude not going.
But im highly anxious about it, i know it will be better than me sitting at home alone dwelling on my misery and trying not to self harm or kill myself. I will pretty much be clung to my friends side all night.
Before hand they are setting up, i said i would help coz any loneliness is agonising for me. All i think about is -her-. Im stuck dwelling on it no matter how i try to pull myself out of it. I also have to work on my assignment today before i go so im trying really hard to focus on it but havent managed to even start it...
In the meantime they will give me calls periodically to see how im doing.
My friend made her brother invite me to his 21st party, i feel a little awkward about it coz i know she made him invite me, he did invite me to his 18th but that was different. He wasnt planning to invite any of his sisters's friends, im going only coz i know he will have reorganised the tables slightly to fit me in and i would feel rude not going.
But im highly anxious about it, i know it will be better than me sitting at home alone dwelling on my misery and trying not to self harm or kill myself. I will pretty much be clung to my friends side all night.
Before hand they are setting up, i said i would help coz any loneliness is agonising for me. All i think about is -her-. Im stuck dwelling on it no matter how i try to pull myself out of it. I also have to work on my assignment today before i go so im trying really hard to focus on it but havent managed to even start it...