Loyal's Thoughts

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling quite drained. Been making sure i keep busy so that i dont have to deal with my emotions, so i dont really have any time to dwell on my loneliness or pain. Its been working ok so far, no meltdowns', well no major ones. But its leaving me feeling very drained.

The vet visit went ok, we take her back in two weeks. Its considerably breaking my bank account but she is my baby, theres no price i wont pay for her.

 

[Srijita52]

Feeling quite drained. Been making sure i keep busy so that i dont have to deal with my emotions, so i dont really have any time to dwell on my loneliness or pain. Its been working ok so far, no meltdowns', well no major ones. But its leaving me feeling very drained.

The vet visit went ok, we take her back in two weeks. Its considerably breaking my bank account but she is my baby, theres no price i wont pay for her.

Hang in there Loyal, I hope she gets well soon.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Still to early to tell how the medications have worked on Spoty.

Spent most of today procrastinating, did a bit of cleaning but otherwise i was thouroughly unproductive.

 

[LoyalXenite]

My ex is coming over today, she was bored i assume and she wants to hang out, maybe play some games. Im overly excited for it, because its a good sign that we can remain friends, which i would really like to see happen.

I tidied my room with a little extra vigor after she called. I dont know why im so excited really, its not like we will ever be anything more than friends. I guess it just means a lot that she wants to even be friends.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Debating running to the bakery around the corner to grab a treat for my Ex and I, an apple pie with cream for me and a choc hedgehog for her...
Dont know if i should though?

 

[LoyalXenite]

I had a wonderful night, my ex and i hung out most of the day really, from lunchtime onwards. Then that night she joined me in going to a party i was invited to, we drank and chatted and had a lovely night. She ended up staying the night at my place, coz she was too tired and it was unsafe to walk home at 4am.

Nothing happened between us of course, although there was spooning and cuddles from habit but it wasnt uncomfortable, had a lovely time. I really think we can be friends, and she said she thinks we could be together again one day, but we would have to take it very slow and live apart until we were both mentally healthier and stable. I dont know if it will happen but im hopeful, i love her with all i have.

Im a bit concerned for her coz she isnt eating enough and doesnt have money for food, but she wont take my money (not that i have much anyway) but im glad she ate at the party and i made her eat a banana for breakfast before she left, plus i snuck some snacks into her bag so she has something to nom on.

 

[LoyalXenite]

-phew-

Had a few days of worry coz i was unable to get on the site, glad to see its still here!

 

[LoyalXenite]

Today has been hard, well most of the day was fine, but the night is always the worst.

Had a breakdown in the shower, not too sure what triggered it, part of it was thinking about my ex potentially meeting someone else and having sex and love with someone that isnt me. Part of it was thinking about Gabe, my best friend who was killed.

I ended up curled up in the shower crying until the hot water ran out. Now i feel drained, alone and lost.

I know my ex and I are over and she is free to meet someone if that happens, but the thought of it tears me up inside. I know that the other day i said there was a possibility in the future that we would date, but i really dont think it will happen. I do think we will be friends, until the day she meets someone else, i dont think i could stand by and watch that, it would break my heart.

As for losing Gabe, its been 1.5 years since she died and it still hurts like it was yesterday. I dont know how to keep going right now, i feel so deserted and unwanted. Suicide has been a strong current in my thoughts lately, the only thing holding me back is my promise to my ex and my pets. But the thoughts are getting so strong.

I know i need to seek some external help and i am still in the process of getting a new therapist, been trying for the last couple of months now. Because im just falling apart into so many pieces and i dont know how to begin to put myself back together.

 

[LoyalXenite]

One positive bit of news however is my cat has been recovering very well, for which i am so grateful.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Been having trouble with procrastinating these last few days, i have a decent amount of uni work to do and a pretty big load of cleaning to do, but instead im wasting my hours away either online or staring out into nothing. Im not too sure how to force myself to do the things i need to do, i tried but i just am being rather useless right now. I know its to do with the fact that my emotions have been on the fritz for the last few days, more so than usual that is.

 

[LoyalXenite]

im still procrastinating, my uni work is piling up, i have about 25 hours of lectures/quizzes/textbook reading to do.. and i should have done it all already, i did manage to complete one assignment that was due yesterday, but im feeling very overwhelmed by what i have to do today and tomorrow.

Im having terrible time concentrating, im losing focus even while posting this and i end up having to read what i just typed to remember what im saying. Managed to make an appointment with the doctor for next week so hopefully this will be the last test i have to do and she will organise for me to see someone (therapist) asap. I definitely need some help, my uni work is really suffering because of it.

 

[LoyalXenite]

didnt go to uni today.
I ended up sleeping with a guy i know, got home quite late and didnt end up getting to sleep until 5am, and when my alarm went off 3 hours later i just couldnt get up for uni...

Im hating myself for sleeping with him, i have no interest in males, but i needed to feel wanted and he is an easy guy to sleep with. He is a really nice guy and a friend of mine who actually saved me from being raped a few years ago. Earlier in the day my ex had come around, but she was grumpy and left quite quickly, which left me feeling pretty crap. Which sucked coz prior to that i'd had a great day and had looked forward to seeing her. So my misery got worse and worse until i needed to feel like someone wanted me, like someone gave a damn.

But now im filled with the typical self hatred and guilt and disgust at how i act when i am needy.

So today i spent a great deal of it being repulsed by myself and hating myself. Feeling anger at my ex for breaking up with me, feeling hatred at myself for not being worth staying around for. Just generally feeling crap...

One positive side is im almost caught up on one of my classes, currently doing the last lecture for it, then i have a quiz and im all caught up for that class. Then i will catch up on one more class tonight. Then i will only be behind on 2 classes... But im catching up on the two i have tutorials for tomorrow at least... Im trying so hard to stay afloat with my responsibilities but im just not able to do it, im just suffocating in my misery and letting everything else fade into the background.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Managed to drag myself to uni today.. i actually enjoyed both my tutorials really... i do find them interesting and i had a few laughs, tomorrow i have to do food shopping and such, but on saturday im going to catch up on at least one other class...hopefully two or three.

Got quite a scare today, somehow my father knows where i'm living. I dont know how he found out, i have barely told anyone i know and trust. So i have no idea how he could know.. My only guess is that he or one of his friends saw me in the area and worked it out? Either way it freaked me out considerably, bt he is apparently out of the state at the moment so im safe for a while. Hopefully he wont come by when he gets back..

 

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling very annoyed right now.. I really hate when you make plans with someone and they invite along someone you hate!

My friend and I were planning to go to Kmart today, i've been looking forward to it for a week, and at the very last minute (literally when she was on her way to pick me up) she said her roommate is also coming. She knows i hate her roommate so im really annoyed with her for inviting her along. So i told her to go without me and expressly told her her roommate was NOT invited to the party tomorrow (which is what we were supposed to be shopping for).

Im really annoyed coz i'd been looking forward to it all freaking day, i even got out of my pyjamas for it. Now im miserable and back in my pyjamas...

 

[jc972]

Feeling very annoyed right now.. I really hate when you make plans with someone and they invite along someone you hate!

My friend and I were planning to go to Kmart today, i've been looking forward to it for a week, and at the very last minute (literally when she was on her way to pick me up) she said her roommate is also coming. She knows i hate her roommate so im really annoyed with her for inviting her along. So i told her to go without me and expressly told her her roommate was NOT invited to the party tomorrow (which is what we were supposed to be shopping for).

Im really annoyed coz i'd been looking forward to it all freaking day, i even got out of my pyjamas for it. Now im miserable and back in my pyjamas...

That would make me mad. She knows you don't like her roommate so why did she do it? :thumbdown:

 

[LoyalXenite]

That would make me mad. She knows you don't like her roommate so why did she do it? :thumbdown:

She just doesnt think about things sometimes, it wasnt an intentional thing and she genuinely wouldnt have thought it would bother me. But she also doesnt see that her roommate and i dont get along. She is just an oblivious person sometimes..
But it still is really annoying

 

[jc972]

Well I hope she don't bring her tagging along to your party. Does the roommate not have any friends?

 

[LoyalXenite]

Well I hope she don't bring her tagging along to your party. Does the roommate not have any friends?

I specifically told my friend that her roommate was not invited to the party, and she said she wasnt going to bring her along to it. So thankfully she wont ruin my party...
My friend said she would come over later on tonight and we would go to Kmart just us two... so i might go, not sure really.. feeling rather low now really... :thumbdown:

 

[MikeyC]

What party are you having? So then I can come crash it.

 

[LoyalXenite]

What party are you having? So then I can come crash it.

haha a relatively small one, only like 5 people i think, me, my ex, and three possibly four friends..
Its a bit of a drunken/lets get high and ****ed up party... :blushing:

Most of us are doing Acid but there's also shrooms :shyness:

Naughty i know, but its a very rare party, once or twice a year really...