Loyal's Thoughts

[LoyalXenite]

Im really glad i went to the party tonight. I actually had a great time and had quite a few lengths of time where i didnt feel miserable or depressed or suicidal. Im really, really glad i went, it was a good night.

I ended up having over 20 standard drinks (i think i had about 17 cocktails, some double shots) So i don't know how much i actually drank, but it was good i was laughing and happy and even chatting with strangers!!!!!!. I helped out by doing some of the bar tending and waitressing and dishes (that's what my friend and her roommate were doing at the party, so i helped out willingly) it felt good to be serving and helping out, even the clean up afterwards felt good. Working at something, feeling useful and appreciated, in very friendly company. It was really good.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Somehow manged to get an assignment done with only 4 hours left before it was due.... Granted it took me about 6 hours, but with how poor my focus and ability is at the moment im just grateful i got it completed.

Emotionally im all over the place today, im feeling very restless and agitated, my ex called me last night coz she couldnt sleep coz she is such an emotional wreck so i talked to her for some time just trying to soothe her really. So im worried about her, im feeling useless and worthless for not being able to help her.

On the plus side i've lost about 15kgs in 3 weeks... i still have to lose like 40kgs before i will be happy, but still... Granted the weight loss hasnt been healthy, it started out healthy i was eating fruit and natural stuff. But now im just not really eating, i ate two bananas today, thats all i will eat... So i know its not the healthy way to lose it, but hey at least im losing it....

 

[LoyalXenite]

I went to her place tonight, just to watch some movies. We hung out, chatted, it was good fun, we did chat about some serious issues but my concern to make sure she was ok overrode my own worries. So we talked about her current issues and such, but overall we were having a good casual night as friends. Then it was about 3am (i got there about 10pm) and we started getting some sparks between us, so it led to a discussion of our options followed by one night of sex.

It was great, wonderful, loving, almost like she was mine for the night.... Then she felt the recent cuts i made on my leg... needless to say that killed the mood significantly, i had intended to stay the whole night and continue having sex, that was her intention too. But the cuts killed it really... She understands why, she knows i had a weak moment and she wasnt judging me, but i know she is hurting and blaming herself for it. I tried to tell her it was not her fault its my own weakness and it wont happen again... But she still blames herself... She said then that it was better that i not stay the night, so i dressed and left, we parted on good terms but i'm so ashamed she found out about the cuts, and i know its hurting her.

So i had a wonderful night with her, which ended poorly.... But still, for just a few hours she was mine once more.... I know it wont happen again, and i am happy to just maintain a friendship with her, at least then she is in my life. I just wish she didnt notice the cuts, i wish i didnt disappoint her...

 

[LoyalXenite]

I keep thinking how great last night was... until she found the cuts...

Im alternating between practically floating with joy at the great memories i now have of one last night together. Then i remember how i ruined it all with my scars, if only she hadnt noticed them, the night would have been perfect...

But the beginning was wonderful, i felt wanted and loved... She looked at me like she used to, back before the crap of this year. Before things started to go wrong with us...

I know this doesnt change the fact that we are broken up and the best we could hope for is a friendship, but it was wonderful all the same. to have just one more night.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Currently hiding in my room. My mother has a guest over and i really dont want to have to be polite and socialize. So im stuck in here, busting to pee, hoping she leaves.

 

[LoyalXenite]

They went into another room so i managed to sneak to the bathroom and back without having to socialize.

Had an old friend visit me last night, my best friend who was killed in a car accident (mentioned at the start of this thread) was like a mother to me, this was her actual biological daughter. Like a sister to me, no matter what happens between us, we'll always have the other's back. She is miserable without her mother, as am I, the only reason she keeps going is to save her children from knowing the same pain she knows, the loss of a mother. But she was absolutely miserable last night (her douche-y boyfriend is not being remotely supportive) so she came to me and we hung out until around 1.30am. It was good to see her, despite the situation. We both get each other, know each other's pain.

She is going to give me a bit of her mother's ashes, which is the most generous gift she could give me. She knows how much i considered her mother my mother, and her my sister, so she knows how much it means to me that she would do that. How much it would mean to me to be able to have a piece of her with me.

 

[jc972]

They went into another room so i managed to sneak to the bathroom and back without having to socialize.

Had an old friend visit me last night, my best friend who was killed in a car accident (mentioned at the start of this thread) was like a mother to me, this was her actual biological daughter. Like a sister to me, no matter what happens between us, we'll always have the other's back. She is miserable without her mother, as am I, the only reason she keeps going is to save her children from knowing the same pain she knows, the loss of a mother. But she was absolutely miserable last night (her douche-y boyfriend is not being remotely supportive) so she came to me and we hung out until around 1.30am. It was good to see her, despite the situation. We both get each other, know each other's pain.

She is going to give me a bit of her mother's ashes, which is the most generous gift she could give me. She knows how much i considered her mother my mother, and her my sister, so she knows how much it means to me that she would do that. How much it would mean to me to be able to have a piece of her with me.

I'm glad she cares that much about you and is considerate of how close you were with her mother. It made me feel good to read that It was a very special thing, her giving you some of her ashes, she sounds like a good friend to you.

 

[LoyalXenite]

I'm glad she cares that much about you and is considerate of how close you were with her mother. It made me feel good to read that It was a very special thing, her giving you some of her ashes, she sounds like a good friend to you.

Yeah i was quite shocked when she said it, but i am beyond grateful. Its something i really wanted but would never have asked for, i didnt consider it something i could ever ask, especially coz she had to fight to get her mother's ashes (long story).

 

[LoyalXenite]

Decided to skip uni tomorrow to go to the doctors to check if i do have a fractured rib or not. Im really sick of the pain and it isnt lessening or going away any time soon...

 

[LoyalXenite]

Going to head to the doctors shortly, trying to work up the energy/ability to leave my bedroom let alone the house...

 

[LoyalXenite]

Well the doctor confirmed it, i have a cracked rib... Unfortunately i dont get paid until tomorrow so i cant get the painkillers yet... instead im drinking alcohol to numb the pain. Both physical and emotional... Not wise but i need to clean cages today so i cant do them alone without some kind of numbness on the rib...

 

[LoyalXenite]

Really dont know what to say... aside from the fact that once again i ****ed everything up...

To sum up... here is what i've told my friends..
Hey guys. An update on the EX situation. We are friends, neither of us are willing or able to not be friends.this doesn't change what happened and she will still be sleeping with him, but im ok with it. I found some form of peace with it all. And im also sleeping with her so yeah. We aren't together dating. But we are more than friends. Its rather complicated ... But it works for us right now.

you know what i have probably ****ed it up anyway. I realised that my ex didnt know about me sleeping with matt about a week before the party, so i told her tonight. because i didnt want to be lying to her. Now she sees it as an equal betraya; but more so because i didnt tell her until two weeks later. So right now its all up in the air if we can be friends or not
so i ****ed shit up again
big suprise there

Now i think she hates me... i was so happy earlier today
now i've ****ed it all up again
i probably wont get her even as a friend now

now she is furious at me
coz i betrayed her first
but i didnt see it as the same
i didnt consider them friends.
but she did
so i've hurt her more than she hurt me
because i did it first, i got mad at her, my friends texted her and i didnt tell her
texted her angry messages that is*

i did apologise
she is showering now
and after it she says to never mention it again
and just see how things go
but i dont think she will ever forgive me
i was so happy earlier today
i really was
we were working as friends
we were ****ing
we were just working
and now i ****ed it up
i just wanted to make things right
i realised she didnt know and i knew she had a right to know
so i treid to make it right

 

[LoyalXenite]

So in other words... things were great.. they were starting to work out... now i ****ed everything up.. as usual

 

[LoyalXenite]

Well I really dont know whats going to happen now.

She still stayed the night, after she returned from the shower we just didnt discuss it really. Just kept drinking. Needless to say i downed almost an entire bottle of vodka myself, so we got pretty drunk. We slept together but we were drunk so i wasnt sure what that means for us.

As the situation currently stands, we are going to try and be friends, who happen to have sex. I hurt her bad and i can never forgive myself for what i did. But i promised not to kill myself, not to cut. So for her im trying.

Always for her....

 

[LoyalXenite]

Growing up really sucks... Im sick of all this crap you have to live through just to live a shitty mediocre life.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling considerably more positive today

 

[jc972]

Feeling considerably more positive today

I'm glad

 

[LoyalXenite]

I'm glad

Yeah things are starting to look up in life, also i had a good day and am still feeling good from it :thumbup:

 

[LoyalXenite]

Just updating you all on what is happening with My ex and I, we have talked about things and we were being friends. But we decided that we cannot live without each other and we are both still very much in love. So we are back together, but we are taking things slowly. We will live apart and take things slow until we are both in better places emotionally, then we will intend to spend our lives together.

Its made me so happy really lifted my depression for these last few days. I've even been hungry again and actually am eating now...

 

[LoyalXenite]

I am positively MELTING in this damned heat.... Oh winter i miss you, please come back to me.