Loyal's Thoughts

[LoyalXenite]

I've decided that i dont really have a choice but to move back to my mother's house. I will pack my things tomorrow and move the day after.

Gotta try and find some inner strength to get me through the night.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Had to update my details for centrelink (the government which pays me an allowance for being a student) because im moving back to my mothers my payment is being cut by $200, with how much she is charging me to live there im living off about a $100 a week.

This night just isnt being kind to me.

 

[LoyalXenite]

i've written her a letter of sorts, a goodbye since im not likely to ever see her again.
saying im sorry things did not work out, i hope one day she will forgive my shortcomings and hold good memories of us, wishing her all the best.. that sort of thing

because i will never get an actual goodbye, and that really hurts.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Taking a quick break to vent on here.

I heard no word from my ex last night, i hope she was safe, it was late when she left and its a 2 hour walk to her sister's place. She refused my offer to call a taxi or someone to pick her up, so i couldnt do anything but it didnt stop me worrying all night. I hope she is ok.

Im spending all day today packing and this afternoon moving all the small things that i can, tomorrow i move all the furniture. the following day i unpack what i can before i start uni the next day.

I feel very hurt and stressed. I've broken out in full body hives from the stress. Trying to focus on packing to avoid having a meltdown but i feel very close to breaking down.

 

[LoyalXenite]

She just called me.
She is coming back today. She said on the phone that she isnt going to screw me over and not give me the money for food this week.

I'm having a minor meltdown and im not too sure why. Everything is just really weighing down on me right now

 

[LoyalXenite]

At least she is ok.

 

[LoyalXenite]

she bought us pizza for dinner and we watched a movie and it was almost like it used to be, she showed me that she does still love me and care about me. i had a good night with her, it was like it used to be for that moment. She said that in some ways our relationship was perfect, but in the end we were just too different and we had too much shit thrown at us from the very beginning that we didnt have a chance. She was lovely to me again tonight and she was warm and kind and i could see the girl i fell in love with. I have hopes that one day we can be friends in the future. I do still love her so much, its just we cant work as a couple, which hurts but its just how it is. Now i need to find my inner strength and learn how to live life without leaning on someone.
She acted like she did out of hurt and anger and self preservation really.
She felt bad about it but couldnt help it at the same time
we are both just hurting really

 

[LoyalXenite]

im so grateful she gave me this night
it really means a lot to me
and it means we dont part on bad terms
well i have a big day of moving tomorrow so im going to try to sleep
my internet will not be reconnect at my mother's place until friday so i will only be on via my phone really
so apologies for any lazy/slow replies

 

[LoyalXenite]

Here it is.

Today I move out and back into my mother's place. I really wish i had other alternatives. I had a severe asthma attack last night, almost had to call an ambulance, left me feeling very weak today. Not to mention i have a terrible cough. I just wish this day was over and that it would never begin at the same time.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Almost completed the unpacking. Still have 7 boxes of books to go,and to put the unnecessary items in the garage.

Been keeping busy to try and ignore the ache in my heart.

 

[LoyalXenite]

I've unpacked, had my first day of uni today. Pretty much been trying to keep busy to avoid having to feel the pain in my heart.

 

[MikeyC]

Keeping busy is the best way to overcome awful feelings. You'll get there!

 

[LoyalXenite]

Today has been both easier and harder, easier for the majority of the day, i caught up with a couple old friends that i havent seen much in a long while. So that was distracting enough for the majority of the morning and until after lunch.

Then when i went to the doctors i had to do a test to see if i have whooping cough, it wasnt until i got home that i started to feel things really. I miss her so much it hurts like a thousand knives in my heart. Im trying to stay busy and distract myself but its so hard.

A guy i speak to online wants to come see me, i am uncertain because i know that while i am hurting i will make poor decisions out of loneliness, but at the same time it would be nice to have a friend stay the night with me. Im not sure what to decide on the matter, all i want is my ex's love and affection, but i know i wont get them. I know its too soon for me to have a relationship or anything sexual with anyone, but i just want this loneliness to be numbed for a while.

Dont know what i will decide really.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Gotta take my 20 year old cat to the vets this friday as well, she seems to have developed a skin condition which is worrying, she has been my best friend since i was 3 and the only constant in my life, the only one i have loved that hasnt died or left me. That anything could happen to her terrifies me even though i know she is very old and isnt likely to live more than a few more years at most.

 

[MikeyC]

Oh, you have an old cat, too? My cat died at 21 and she was my constant since I was 3 or 4 years old, so I understand what you're going through!

Hopefully she's okay.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Oh, you have an old cat, too? My cat died at 21 and she was my constant since I was 3 or 4 years old, so I understand what you're going through!

Hopefully she's okay.

Yeah she will be ok, its just a skin condition so im hopeful that it just needs a cream and wont cause further issues

 

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself, had a meltdown last night and needed to feel wanted and so i had cyber-cam-sex-thing. Whatever it is called, i cybered via cam with a guy i've never met but for online. He is a nice enough guy and all but i have no interest in males. I'm racked with guilt even though i know my ex broke up with me and we wont ever get back together, i feel like i betrayed her.

Im so ashamed of myself, i hate what i did.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Losing my voice is getting frustrating.. Its bad enough having to try and talk to people without the fear that no sound or just squeaks will come out

 

[LoyalXenite]

Vets tomorrow, the skin condition has worsened in the last week but tomorrow was the earliest i could take her to the vet. It looks really bad but i hope it is something minor and treated quickly :thinking:

Still feeling ashamed of myself but i know i acted out of a very emotional place so im trying to accept it and forget it.

 

[MikeyC]

Feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself, had a meltdown last night and needed to feel wanted and so i had cyber-cam-sex-thing. Whatever it is called, i cybered via cam with a guy i've never met but for online. He is a nice enough guy and all but i have no interest in males. I'm racked with guilt even though i know my ex broke up with me and we wont ever get back together, i feel like i betrayed her.

Im so ashamed of myself, i hate what i did.

Loneliness can make us do some foolish things.