I've read this entire thread and sympathize with most of it. I almost want to cry when I read each person's experience, because I know what it's like.
I came across Gilmartin's book maybe around 2 years ago; downloaded it and read it, but for some reason I've took some time in bothering in talking about it on a message board. Up until now, I've always desired a romantic relationship with a female and have considered myself almost asexual it that I don't have that alpha-male sexual drive like my male friends. I think now I'm starting to worry as the years go by.
I'm male, 24 years old and fit in to most of Gilmartin's definitions. I have never had much physical contact with females. Never kissed and definitely had no sexual contact. When I say 'never had much', I think I remember holding hands or briefly hugging a girl but only in a purely friendly/sarcastic/jokingly way. Never was there a thought of a possible romantic outcome with this person. If there had been my adrenaline and heart would be pumping as if someone had a gun against my head and I'd be shaking and sortof excited sexually (it's new territory) - a situation I'd avoid at all costs.
I believe I fit into being 'love-shy' but don't think I suffer from wider social problems fortunately. My upbringing is as follows. Brought up in a happy family with one older sister and mother and father. Like all young children (I think) girls though boys were horrible etc. and boys though that girls were 'eurgh', something everyone moves on from as they start to show an interest in the opposite sex (not explicitly all the time of course). I have a feeling I took a very long time to grow out of the childish mentality that girls were horrible.
Up until about 7/8 my life couldn't have been better - plenty of children lived in my street and it was a constant case of making a tree house or having a waterfight, but then I had to move house. I left this idyllic home and moved somewhere where contact with people my age was only at school and not outside. I went to a young persons' club on a Saturday morning, but did my own thing while the other boys played soccer. With regard to sports, I loved being active - running, cycling, climbing - but never have had time for soccer or most other team sports until very recently.
Moving to this new place with no children to play with in my spare time, meant I didn't do much and stared to put on weight. On and off my mother had been ill, but caught cancer when I was 11 and died when I was 12. Up until then, I can only remember my mother and father having brief physical contact. Maybe only seeing them kiss once, and hug no more than five time, but then again my memory could be failing me. So from now on I was missing that female figure. I had an older sister, but she wasn't much older and she had lost that female role-model too. My mother had been the off-spring of the 60's feminism movement so had a very good job, intelligent and kind, so I was definitely okay up until 12, but then a void. Putting on a bit of weight, not much, but still the biggest in the class, and being the new kid anyway meant I did suffer some bullying, but I think I dealt with it properly.
Moving onto high school, I had good male friends, and gained more and closer ones as I got older, but in the earlier years being a gamma-male (is that how it works? pecking order goes from alpha to beta to gamma etc?) meant that my alpha and beta male friends went to parties or sleep-overs. Being as I consider highly intelligent, kind, socially aware (notice how people feel and diplomacy) and quite quick witted meant that I wasn't a social recluse. If someone tried some quick jibe, they'd get a better one back. I wasn't scared of most people because I was usually the biggest - tall, wide and strong but still overweight.
As my male friends went to parties or sleep-over to play truth-or-dare and who had to kiss who, I missed out on being forced into that kind of position, but glad I wasn't as I'm not sure how I could have handled it. MSN messenger with other people from school was my friend in the evenings. I was able to talk to girls in a strictly friendly way, but if I was to see them next day I wouldn't say anything. Maybe just nod and smile from a distance. If I was to talk to a girl from close up it would be about something boring, steered towards school work or talk about something else, never what she or I were doing or feeling.
I made one or two good female friends, and had a good rapport with a lot of other girls in my school year, but my attitude was always sarcastic and borderline insulting. I don't know why, maybe so that they wouldn't like me too much so I was never liked and put in an awkward position, not that I didn't want that. Those one or two good female friends have now distanced themselves from me, probably thinking I was odd. Those one or two were strictly friends, I wouldn't imagine thinking about them in a romantic way as it would ruin everything. They were people who understood my boring 'intellectual' interest and were around to talk to lunch time and not playing soccer etc.
Moving onto college I went straight from school and ended up dropping out after three months, as a result of not being ready to go. Not being prepared to go and the whole social aspect of it, I kept myself to myself concentrating on work of which I time and time again got 100% in assignments. At the beginning of college I thought maybe I'd chosen the wrong one. I ran away home in tears thinking what a mess I'd made. My dad made efforts to try and maybe get me into another one short notice, but I decided to stick it out for longer in case I was over-reacting - give it a try. Dropping out and coming home I went into a depression for about 3 or 4 months, something I never thought would happen. Life was flat. I'd messed up and had no idea what I or anyone was to do next, and most of my friends had moved away to college.
I got a job and started going to the gym, something I enjoyed and made a habit. I went on holiday and that trip away with my dad, a keen traveler, sightseeing etc did so much to pull me out of that depression. As my friends were in college, I wasn't leaving anyone at home, so I made a full detachment. I gave college a go again and that went ok. Again I made friends with some females but I was always sarcastic/borderline insulting. I made some rather good female friend but they had boyfriends - possibly the reason why, and again I would absolutely not think of them romantically.
I've finished college and got into the routine of a full time job. I go to the gym etc. and hang out with male friends, but making new female friends seems unforeseeable. I've thought about joining some societies or clubs I have no interest in just so I have the potential for meeting females, but I'm not sure how I'd react to any advancements.
That's my background, but it doesn't say much as why do I think I'm 'love-shy'. I'm guessing that many might say that I have no problem as I am able to talk to females, but I must stress that it's only in a totally unromantic way. The slightest though of me being in a position of being advanced upon or quickly kissed innocently repulses me.
From a general social point of view, I'm above average confident. I can speak publicly to a crowd, therefore am not shy. The problem arises with members of the opposite sex. I'm aware that I could be imagining I have these symptoms after reading Gilmartin's book but am quite certain I am not.
I would say that I desire classy or well-behaved (not vulgar) lively females, that are very attractive. I see my friends dancing and kissing with drunk girls I would consider unattractive and don't understand why. The friends I go out drinking with are mostly alpha-males and can get some of the most stunning girls sometime. I'm usually there sharing in the jokes and having a laugh but never in conversations with females. It's not an environment I'd want to either. I would have to know the girl first before I would even consider letting anything happen. Having said this, I can only thing of females in the most romantic of ways. Not just picking a girl up sleeping with her and letting her go, but really sharing her company, just holding her or lying next to her and smiling at each other. I typically dream of some slow ballroom dancing with a beautiful girl to soft classical music.
I mentioned I go to the gym. It sounds stupid but I have more than once dreamt about being the Incredible Hulk or something, somebody that nobody can take advantage of, has everyone's attention but is hiding an almost shameful secret, where there could be that one girl trying to understand and get close. A sad story of hiding something that is completely not your fault and society being completely against you. I would say that it's escapism.
I have had and still do have vivid violent dreams about some people. I know people will think I'm a psychopath now, but I'm what some might call a gentle giant. I've never hit anyone, and don't think I ever could. Such dreams involve scumbags you hear about in the news e.g. someone who's raped and killed someone, or someone who's made me furious by hitting someone I love. All I can think about is just letting loose and taking it completely out on them, picking up a baseball bat and carrying on, snapping their arm etc. Gruseome stuff. I only mention it because Gilmartin also mentions it.
The most obvious symptoms I have is an obsession with a handfull of girls I've known in my life. If only they knew how often I thought about them and to what lengths I go just to know what they're doing, where the live or what they like, they would be seriously scared. I'd go to any lengths just to try and get closer. Go to stupid meetings just in case she'd be there. Deliberately drive past her house. Try and get someone else to talk about her. Maybe overly laugh at something that has happened to her when it wasn't funny at all. It's hard to describe how this person stays in your head. It's almost like when someone close has just dies. He or she is stuck in your mind almost constantly for at least a few days. For a ridiculous reason now, I'm obsessed with another girl. We both went to the same college but she has now got a job not very far from my hometown. He job location has more or less dictated that I move back home, rather than stay in my exciting college town with other friends. The stupid thing is she lives too far away at the moment, but just the thought or the hope that I went to visit the town where she works and bumped into her. With one girl I was obsessed with in school, I don't think I was absent at all in five years, just so that I could see her. Of course she or anyone else never felt the same about me.
I have the obsessive symptom with girls I know, and for those I do or don't know, I can't communicate with them if I think there could be anything romantic involved. Both males and females have said I'm a handsome person and a gentleman (here we go again). Personally I don't see it physically. I would say that my personality is very good - good manners, educated, polite, practical, good humoured - but physically I don't rate myself highly. In fact I haven't cared much, but that's changing now. I know girls have liked me but I've never reciprocated since I didn't consider them to be very attractive. I've sometimes thought about going for it just to lose my virginity, but I'm starting to shake now knowing I wouldn't know what to do, and she would tell her friends and people I know that there's something wrong with me. Even something such as a kiss in a bar wouldn't happen. I wouldn't know what to do and if there was an audience I'm sure how I'd cope. Since I do go to bars and clubs with my male friends I am put into these environments. Any girls that have tried talking to me, I said a few words back but if I notice them try to get close or even hold my hand, i make an excuse to go to the toilet - go there for 5 mins, then go for a walk on my own around the club pretending to be looking for someone in a hurry. I leave with my heart racing and my body shaking. Any girls that have tried dancing next to me, I really quickly go to the toilet, to disguise my erection. Again I sound like a wierdo, but I have no idea how to react. The thought of a girl getting very close or holding my hand brings out the most extreme of arousal in me.
With females in general, if they are married, have a boyfriend or children I can talk to them as if they were any other male. It has no effect on me, however if I know she a single attractive female it's completely different. If I happen to be in a group of people say 8 male and 2 attractive young females, my eye contact will be exclusibely with the males. I'd find it hard to look at the females, or know where to look. I'd throw the odd glance, or make it look my head's turned that way so that nobody finds my behavious odd or assumes I'm gay.
I've read mentions of 'love-shy' males going with prostitutes to try and break the spell and it has crossed my mind too, but the idea is abhorrent to me. I wouldn't want to lose my virginity to just anyone. It would have to be completely 'organic' as someone has already said, with someone I know and care about and can wholly trust.
Well this is sortof my story. As I've mentioned by anxiety is very specific - 'love-shy' with females only. I have no problem with talking to people in general. I might be able to help one or two of you here with wider social problems. I'm getting worried now that my unfullfilled longing for a relationshipcould turn into a depression.
. Very sad indeed. I am in a similar situation. Don't say that you have to be this way for the rest of your life - you don't.
