Love-Shyness

[GoBlue72]

James does make some good points. My view is that people should give themselves the option to find someone, rather than ruling it out completely or totally feeling they HAVE to get in a relationship or marriage. But, as long as you're comfortable with the choice you make, that's fine. If it's causing you distress to remain single or you're driving yourself mad trying to find someone, maybe you need to step back.

I was talking with my best friend about this yesterday a bit. He's married for the second time and has no children. He talked about how his wife doesn't like kids, and he doesn't really care. Meanwhile, alot of our friends are always asking him when he and his wife are having kids. Not everyone has to have children, and maybe not everyone has to be in a relationship. I don't know the answer. I just know where I am in life, I cannot even put myself in the type of mindset to see why so many people have children once they're together. And I like spending time with kids. I've also revamped my thinking on marriage over the years, as I'm no longer sure it's necessary to have one in a lifelong relationship. As far as relationships in general, I think I'd like to experience a few more before I decide not to pursue them.

 

[goldenholds]

Easier said than done but thank you for the support. I think the thing is these days it's a whole lot easier to spill all your emotions out on the internet to a bunch of people you've never met or never going to meet than talk to someone face to face. Of course the plus side is it's also easier to find and talk to people who have the exact same problem as you do. Unfortunately the "relationship" I talked about there is the last bit of "romantic" involvement i've had with any woman but I think a major part of my problem is that if I don't feel confident in myself I just don't feel confident at all. I'll be the first to admit I am overweight and i'm not in any means attractive but i'm working on my fitness now to try and help with my self confidence. Alot of the time in the back of my mind i'll be thinking in my current state it just wouldn't be fair to anyone one else to get romantically envolved with me, but i'm hoping by getting fit and removing that burden it might help me gain a bit of self confidence. I was talking to my sister in law tonight and she was talking about me getting into a realationship telling me that I am a fairly attractive and sweet guy and that I do have alot to offer someone but I think it's just a case of getting past that barrier in my head. I've decided that this year I am going to try and have a more positive outlook and try and grab life by the horns a bit more, but while it all rolls off the tongue very nicely it's actually getting out there and doing it thats the key. I do apologise if I am babbling on a bit but it's been my birthday today and I have had a few drinks. This year I will try my best and to be honest if the unthinkable happens and I do manage to find love it will not only prove to me that I do have what it takes but hopefully to all of you suffering with the same problem that if I can do it...... so can you!

I know all too well that its easier said than done, cause I haven't managed to do it myself yet. Even though I suggested that you do it, I am more trying to convince myself to do it. I too am overweight and trying to get in better shape, though my health is my main reason just now for getting fit. And yet I can't blame it on the weight anyway because most other overweight people still have relationships, and there was a time when I was not overweight and I still could not do it then. It’s like you just said, there is a barrier in my head, and I do not know how to get around it.

It’s funny in a way, because I was also terrified of interviews and starting a new job, yet I have always managed to get past that and I have always worked. A lot of the jobs were not great and pay was even worse, but still I always worked and was compelled to work. Maybe I just don't have enough compulsion to be in a relationship. Maybe it’s not the barrier in my head that’s the problem, maybe I just don't have what I need to get past that barrier. I'm sure everyone has all sorts of barriers in their head that holds them back from time to time, and it’s not easy for anyone to build a good relationship. But still they manage somehow to find something or someone that fits their needs to some degree or other.

Maybe I should just start trying, and then hope that eventually with someone, I'll be able to let the barrier down. It’s certainly not going to happen if I don't try. Which brings up another problem. If I were dating someone and it was not working out for me, I would have a tremendous problem with ending it. I would just feel absolutely terrible. It’s part of the reason why I seem to need to know someone really well before I can even think of going on a date. And then the anxiousness makes me feel fickle, and that makes it even harder. And I have no experience relative to other people my age. It’s just an uphill battle, even excluding the shyness, and unless I am on the receiving end of some sort of miracle, I just don't see it happening at all. And yet still I have hope, funny thing that.

Sorry for the ramble. Bye now.

 

[tt6232]

I'm 28 (soon to be 29) and ashamed to say still a virgin but tonight reading about love-shyness and reading these posts does give me a glimmer of hope to at least know that i'm not alone with this problem. Until tonight I seemed to live through life thinking maybe it's just me but at least this doesn't seem to be the case. It's not that I can't talk to women as I know quite a few women who I often talk to or socialise with and i've even kissed women before (although not for a long time) but thats as far as I ever seem to be willing or able to take things. About 10 years ago now I knew that a good friend of mine was really interested in me (and this went on for months) and to be honest I really liked her too but I just couldn't bring myself round to just going for it. All the time in the back of my mind I was thinking "i'm not good enough for her" and "she'll soon figure out she's made a mistake and dump me anyway" even though she clearly felt different. Eventually while we was out on the town one night she took the initiative and made the move. That night we kissed and danced and it was by far the best night out i've ever had. I remember at the end of the night we left the club and she stood half outside of a taxi as if to say "come on, you're comming home with me" but for some reason I just froze, stood there at the side of the road like an idiot knowing I wanted to get in but I was just unable to so she eventually jumped in the cab and went home. We kind of dated for the next week or so but due to working paterns we didn't get to see much of each other and she broke things off saying she just wanted to be friends but if i'm honest I think I just came across as being totally uninterested. Still after then we hung around together alot to the point where I fell in love with her. Even after she still showed signs of interest in me from time to time but even with the intense feelings I had for her I couldn't make a move and tell her how I felt. Eventually she started dating again, married and moved away. We are still really good friends and get on very well. A couple of weekends ago I spent the whole weekend with her (just the two of us) and it was one of the best times i've had in a long time but it just hurts like hell to know I love her but blew my chance a long time ago due to this unexplainable fear I have of getting romantically involved with women. I do feel somewhat fortunate after reading some of the posts on here that at least i've had a mild taster of relationships and love even if the latter has left a burning hole that doesn't seem to be able to be filled, but at the same time like many I really can't see me ever getting rid of this fear and therefore when I look to the future I can only see myself as being single.

i would be the girl in this exact situation. Strangely enough, this is happening to me right now word for word. Looking back at it now, what could the girl have done to get through to you at that time you guys kissed?

I'm really close to giving up on my LS guy. But I love him dearly as a friend, and I figure I might as well give it one more shot.

 

[Funtimefrank]

If a good looking woman comes up to me and starts talking i just feel like **** compared to her. Then just walk off at the first chance i get :S

The only girl i can imagine me able to act normal around is kinda like a female version of myself if u know what i mean , kinda similar to myself. Probably doesnt exist or ill never meet her ::

 

[AsTimeBurns]

That sounds a lot like me :S Except I'm not 40 yet

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

I could give a rats pink butt about marriage. Just finding someone to be honest, comfortable with, mutually attracted to. Whatever happens, happens. I dont even honestly want to be madly in love in my first REAL relationship. I want to experience things. And people.

 

[Gingerstig]

i would be the girl in this exact situation. Strangely enough, this is happening to me right now word for word. Looking back at it now, what could the girl have done to get through to you at that time you guys kissed?

I'm really close to giving up on my LS guy. But I love him dearly as a friend, and I figure I might as well give it one more shot.

It's hard to say really, but the best thing to do would probably be to try and take things slow to start with and try and ease him into it. If he's anything like me then relationships are VERY few and far between so he'll probably feel like a fish out of water to start with and be very uncomfortable and self conscious about what to say and do around you. It'll probably be very frustrating for you but if you give him the time to settle down around you and feel more comfortable in more romantic situations with you it might help him alot. Another thing that might help alot is to sit down with him and talk about the situation and your feelings for him. Try and explain to him that you know how he feels and your willing to take things slow and try and guide him so to speak.

I hope this helps? If you want any more advice and think I can help at all just send me a message if you like? I'll try and help if I can.

 

[tt6232]

Thanks for your offer! I will try your advice first this weekend when I see him. The only problem is he tends to avoid being one-on-one with me (he's fine with some other people, its probably because he knows how I feel about him).

Sometimes I really can't tell whether he's just not that into me or he's love-shy. He has many close female friends, and can be a huge flirt, but when it comes to actually pursuing any sort of romantic relationship, he fits all the criteria of a love-shy guy (can't express how he feels, avoids the slightest awkward situation at all costs). I feel like I should just assume the worst and think that he's just not that into me. Is there any way to tell between the two?

 

[JamesSmith]

I do have to agree with you to a certain extent James. Yes I do think society does tend to put too much pressure on people to have the "perfect" lifestyle as such with a wife and children. I have to admit I do get a bit annoyed with the constant badgering off friends and familly to find a girlfriend and settle down. One thing in life that really does seem to bug me is when friends go down the route of trying to set me up with a date etc. Having said all that though I have to admit that I would love nothing more than to find a partner and settle down, but I also think that person should be found naturally so to speak and not forced upon me just because we are both single at the time. Of course before that's ever likely to happen I need to sort myself out first and try and get past that barrier inside my head.

Something I failed to mention in my post is that it's okay to desire love. I think you have the right mindset to wait until you are mentally ready for a relationship. Love shouldn't be hurried. Just try to avoid any kind of anger or sadness when you don't have an intimate partner. People shouldn't be dependent on love is what I think.

 

[Gingerstig]

Thanks for your offer! I will try your advice first this weekend when I see him. The only problem is he tends to avoid being one-on-one with me (he's fine with some other people, its probably because he knows how I feel about him).

Sometimes I really can't tell whether he's just not that into me or he's love-shy. He has many close female friends, and can be a huge flirt, but when it comes to actually pursuing any sort of romantic relationship, he fits all the criteria of a love-shy guy (can't express how he feels, avoids the slightest awkward situation at all costs). I feel like I should just assume the worst and think that he's just not that into me. Is there any way to tell between the two?

I have to admit that's a difficult one. You may be right and it might just be the fact that he's not into you in a romantic way, BUT on the other hand like you say he might really like you and just be unable to go with his feelings because of love-shyness. I suppose the only thing you can do really is go with your instincts. I would maybe suggest asking a mutual friend to try and find out whether he likes you in that way or not, but if he is infact love-shy then you still might not get the right anwser anyway.

I apologise if this question is a little personal but have you two actually had any "intimate" contact as such? You know kissing etc?

Anyways, once again I hope this might help you a little and I hope you two get sorted one way or another.

Something I failed to mention in my post is that it's okay to desire love. I think you have the right mindset to wait until you are mentally ready for a relationship. Love shouldn't be hurried. Just try to avoid any kind of anger or sadness when you don't have an intimate partner. People shouldn't be dependent on love is what I think.

I couldn't agree more James. I suppose if theres one thing in life I am used to it's definately being single so I definately don't get angry about it (even if it does get me down from time to time). I think the most annoying thing about it all is when I look back at some of the potential missed opportunities because of my love-shyness (particularly the story from my first post). Now i'm not saying if it wasn't for my love-shyness it would of been a fairytale ending and we would be happily married etc, it just bugs the hell out of me sometimes that I never gave myself the chance to really find out if that makes sense? But at least she is still one of my best friends and when you care about someone as much as I do then the most important thing is to see that person happy in life (even if that is with someone else). All I can do now is try and be the best friend possible and be there to help her along when she needs it just as she still does for me.

 

[tt6232]

I have to admit that's a difficult one. You may be right and it might just be the fact that he's not into you in a romantic way, BUT on the other hand like you say he might really like you and just be unable to go with his feelings because of love-shyness. I suppose the only thing you can do really is go with your instincts. I would maybe suggest asking a mutual friend to try and find out whether he likes you in that way or not, but if he is infact love-shy then you still might not get the right anwser anyway.

I apologise if this question is a little personal but have you two actually had any "intimate" contact as such? You know kissing etc?

Anyways, once again I hope this might help you a little and I hope you two get sorted one way or another.

yeah we did. I was actually about to let this go until that happened. so that's why i'm asking. i'm pretty confused as to what he's thinking, haha. i'm going to PM you from now on.

 

[Gingerstig]

yeah we did. I was actually about to let this go until that happened. so that's why i'm asking. i'm pretty confused as to what he's thinking, haha. i'm going to PM you from now on.

Well if the guy your talking about is love-shy (and from how you've described him he doesn't seem the type to randomly go kissing girls he doesn't like) and he actually let his guard down enough to kiss you from my own experience that would be a sure sign that he does infact like you quite alot.

 

[abner]

As in many cases, the men do not allow themselves to become involved in anything or in any activity, wholesome or otherwise, for which there is any kind of existent social support group.

 

[doesit]

funny enough when you read something and 99% of it fits you completely .

 

[eek]

No matter how much better i get if I don't have love, I have nothing.

 

[Metal_isthe_Answer]

I relate to this completely, Im 26 and have had 2 dates, fortunately I was the one who was asked, but I was uncomfortable with the age difference and that her ex used to be a friend, so I ended it after a while, basically, everything said in the 1st post is true for me

 

[MikeyC]

Sorry for the thread revival after months of inactivity, but I've basically signed up to post here. After discovering this relatively unknown condition and reading through some of this thread, I do feel like I've got it. I don't appear to have all the symptoms but there's too many to be a coincidence and I feel like I can relate to a lot of the guys (and girls) here who also suffer from it.

I had a feeling something was wrong years ago. I'm now 25 years old and I was seemingly a normal enough kid growing up. However, I got into one of those "young high school" relationships that lasted about a week and I never even held hands with the girl. As high school progressed, everyone was starting to lose their virginity and have boyfriends/girlfriends and be into relationships. This never happened to me.

When I was 14 (year 9 at high school), I came down with depression due to my school life. I think that was where it all started and I had barely any friends. No girl in the school would ever date me and I completely shut myself off from female contact. Once year 11 began school got easier but the relationship side of things remained.

When school finished, I had many instances where I could've hooked up with girls, but I somehow managed to turn all of them down for one reason or another. I knew something was wrong because I did this when I was still a teenager and I thought maybe it was inexperience and nervousness causing it, but as I got older and got into my own skin from high school, these feelings remained still.

I do remember one girl in particular, in April last year. I was at a night club with a few friends and she came up to me and started dancing. Grinding, arms all over me, etc. We pashed on the dance floor. All I needed to do was say "let's go," and she would've obliged, but I couldn't do it. No idea why. She was attractive, I'd been drinking, I'd let her get close to me, yet I still couldn't make that final step. When I tell that story to friends, I tell them she was too drunk and had to sit down (which was true, but only after I rejected her).

A jarring event occurred in 2008, where I'd pursued a female friend who I assumed was interested in me. She was with another man and told me on several occasions that she hated him and wanted to leave him. She strung me along for 3 years until one day she told me she finally got rid of him and that she was relieved. I then asked her out, only to be rejected, telling me there was already another guy. It broke my heart and it completely shut me off from the female world.

I have more to say about my past, but I'm already rambling. As of now, I've been in a relationship for a little over 2 months, which I think is doomed to fail. She actually found the Wikipedia article about Love-Shyness and told me I have that. I can't do anything intimate with her and I know it upsets her. It upsets me, too, but I'm glad I know what I have has a name to it! I'm still a virgin at 25 and I have absolutely no interest in relationships (despite being in one) and female intimacy.

Just today I called a therapist. Waiting for a call back. That is a massive step for me.

Thanks for reading.

 

[coyote]

Hi, and welcome to the forum, MikeyC.

 

[MikeyC]

Thanks, coyote.

 

[theslowesthand]

I certainly have this "love-shyness", no doubt about that - but its just one of my any problems, so i seldom if ever are "focussed" on (or :. "troubled" by) it.

Have been wanting to create a new thread about ~"Why have a relationship?". Will probably do it soon.

For me, the L-S seems to be primarily due to the following:
- my refusal to engage in any "socialising"
- my refusal to engage in anything which is or could be (even-slightly) "immoral" (of the controlling/manipulative kind; ie fear of being controlled/manipulated/influenced; such as via sexual lust, or other desires)
- my refusal to engage in anything which is or could be (even-slightly) "immoral" (to do with relationships; such as cheating, being "used" (for whatever reason),...)
- my refusal to ever put myself in a position where i could be "rejected"
- my refusal to rely on anyone else for my emotional well-being