Loneliness makes me needy with women. Help!

[Hero]

I have a really big problem. A really big heart.

When I meet someone I really like, they take over my soul. I can't stop thinking about them. Check phone. Check FB. Anxiety. Tension. Sometimes I can't eat. And I love to eat!!

Some people perceive this as desperate or clingy. But I have no role models, no close family and all my friends are casual acquaintances. Very alone. I make an effort, am friendly with people
People perceive me as confident, but I just don't click with them enough for them to want to spend time with me. I invite acquaintances to spend time with me, but I get ignored/rejected/forgotten . Makes me feel like poo, and reinforces my neediness

(moan over) Anyway, when I meet someone who I like, they become my world. When I do meet a lady that likes me (very rarely) they are very lucky as I have a lot to give. But I have had no luck with women recently as I'm so terrified of rejection and worried I come across as Mr Desperate

Has anyone else been in this situation? And how did they cope?

 

[MollyBeGood]

I very much can relate. These feelings do subside after awhile and you will feel more comfortable with yourself in the love relationship. I think if they don't go away then it's probably the wrong person to be with because really they should help ease your mind or why would you want to be with them?
I always feel this way when I first fall hard for someone, though.

 

[MikeyC]

I think a lot of men (and some women) become desperate in their lives. It's natural to want a partner to share your ups and downs, and for you to share in theirs, too. Someone who you can talk to and cuddle when the chips are down. Someone to just be there.

If you're desperate, act like you're not. When approaching girls, don't give off the vibe that you really want her to like you. Women can see that and it makes them pull away. Acting interested is better than acting desperate.

If you can control your clingy nature, your girlfriend is going to be one lucky lady!

 

[Odo]

You're not clingy because you're lonely, you're clingy because you're bored.

You might tell yourself that you have a big heart, but in my experience if you're willing to dedicate your every waking moment to someone it doesn't mean you love them, it means you don't have anything else to do.

If you want to get over it, get some hobbies/things to do so that when someone comes along, you have enough balance in your life that you don't act like a loser and drive them away.

 

[nothingmuch]

I've heard that meditation can help a person feel more secure and calm instead of desperate approaching a woman. I have no personal experience though.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Who's never been clingy in a relationship? I think it's totally natural if you really like someone to obsess about them, hobbies or no hobbies, and I don't think there's a pill for this. I don't think I would want to further date a person if I didn't feel a real serious spark to begin with, and for some that means they loose their appetites and become a bit clingy, nothing wrong with that if the other person is also in love otherwise it will drive them away but they didn't feel it anyways so nothing was lost.

 

[Odo]

Who's never been clingy in a relationship? I think it's totally natural if you really like someone to obsess about them, hobbies or no hobbies, and I don't think there's a pill for this. I don't think I would want to further date a person if I didn't feel a real serious spark to begin with, and for some that means they loose their appetites and become a bit clingy, nothing wrong with that if the other person is also in love otherwise it will drive them away but they didn't feel it anyways so nothing was lost.

I think that different people approach these kinds of things differently, and yes, if your attentions are welcome they're probably going to be received better, but that doesn't mean that that kind of behavior is healthy. And just because you're not waiting patiently by the phone or on the net or whatever, it doesn't mean that you like someone any less. It just means you know how to manage your feelings and expectations better, which is probably for the best anyways.

OP asked for ways to cope... I think you can cope by going about your day and being realistic. A lot of the time you're not even actually in love with a person, you're just in love with the whole 'happily ever after' myth and you've built them into this big unrealistic construct that doesn't even connect to who they really are, and eventually you just end up disappointed or heartbroken or the other person gets creeped out or something.

 

[Srijita52]

I think that different people approach these kinds of things differently, and yes, if your attentions are welcome they're probably going to be received better, but that doesn't mean that that kind of behavior is healthy. And just because you're not waiting patiently by the phone or on the net or whatever, it doesn't mean that you like someone any less. It just means you know how to manage your feelings and expectations better, which is probably for the best anyways.

OP asked for ways to cope... I think you can cope by going about your day and being realistic. A lot of the time you're not even actually in love with a person, you're just in love with the whole 'happily ever after' myth and you've built them into this big unrealistic construct that doesn't even connect to who they really are, and eventually you just end up disappointed or heartbroken or the other person gets creeped out or something.

Very well said. I do get infatuated with people I like but I try not to act on it, also I constantly try to question my feelings, am I really attracted to the person or I just love the idea of loving someone? Also I try not to loose myself, my interests in a relationship. Even if you genuinely love someone, its frustrating when you don't give them any space. I think its not healthy, for either of you. I've been on the other end of these kind of situations a few times and its suffocating when someone wants you to spend every waking minute of your life with them. Some of them didn't even bother to get to know me, they just wanted to have a girlfriend so bad. I was actually interested in some of them before they tried so hard. I agree with Odo, be realistic, anything can happen in a relationship. Do show them that you care but don't overdo it, be natural.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

In my opinion, the only real way to overcome this dilemma (that I have shared) is to "get your reps in".

Whether you're 81 or 18, you're not going to be comfortable with dating until you have actual experience in that area. The problem (as you mentioned) is that for sensitive guys, getting those reps-in kills.

As trite as it sounds, your best bet is to get therapy for your Social Phobia first; that will hopefully assist you with all the problems that tend to fall under its umbrella.

 

[MollyBeGood]

yeah actually... ignore my "advice". I fall into the Hopeless Romantic category. no need for my kind anymore in this world.

 

[Srijita52]

yeah actually... ignore my "advice". I fall into the Hopeless Romantic category. no need for my kind anymore in this world.

I'm a hopeless romantic too. I daydream about my ideal partner all the time and I tend to fall really hard when I'm really interested in someone. But there's a difference between being a hopeless romantic and not giving your partner space.

 

[MollyBeGood]

I'm a hopeless romantic too. I daydream about my ideal partner all the time and I tend to fall really hard when I'm really interested in someone. But there's a difference between being a hopeless romantic and not giving your partner space.

Oh, but in MY Hopeless Romantic World, I never want to be apart from my love ♥♥♥ haha yeah crazy I know. And obviously they would feel the same about me or it's not what I want.

 

[Srijita52]

Oh, but in MY Hopeless Romantic World, I never want to be apart from my love ♥♥♥ haha yeah crazy I know. And obviously they would feel the same about me or it's not what I want.

Its not crazy! Everyone has different needs and expectations from a relationship. I need time apart from my partner and I appreciate people who respect my need for alone time. If you want your parnter to be always with you, you need to go for people who feel the same way. Or do you already have someone?

 

[MikeyC]

yeah actually... ignore my "advice". I fall into the Hopeless Romantic category. no need for my kind anymore in this world.

Oh, but in MY Hopeless Romantic World, I never want to be apart from my love ♥♥♥ haha yeah crazy I know. And obviously they would feel the same about me or it's not what I want.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you mean that your kind is not welcome anymore?

Okay, so there is a threshold that you shouldn't cross. If you stopped me from hanging with friends, or came with me to every single thing I wanted to do, then that's too smothering. However, there's nothing wrong with being really into your partner! I would love a partner like you because I would know you'd love me and wanted to be with me.

Your posts reminded me of this awesome metal song that I like and everyone else hates.

PSYOPUS - 08 CHOKER CHAIN - YouTube

 

[Kiwong]

yeah actually... ignore my "advice". I fall into the Hopeless Romantic category. no need for my kind anymore in this world.

No way, there should be plenty of room in the world for hopeless romantics and people like you.

 

[theoutsider]

I have a really big problem. A really big heart.

When I meet someone I really like, they take over my soul. I can't stop thinking about them. Check phone. Check FB. Anxiety. Tension. Sometimes I can't eat. And I love to eat!!

Some people perceive this as desperate or clingy. But I have no role models, no close family and all my friends are casual acquaintances. Very alone. I make an effort, am friendly with people
People perceive me as confident, but I just don't click with them enough for them to want to spend time with me. I invite acquaintances to so******e with me, but I get ignored/rejected/forgotten . Makes me feel like poo, and reinforces my neediness

(moan over) Anyway, when I meet someone who I like, they become my world. When I do meet a lady that likes me (very rarely) they are very lucky as I have a lot to give. But I have had no luck with women recently as I'm so terrified of rejection and worried I come across as Mr Desperate

Has anyone else been in this situation? And how did they cope?

When I was single I would kind of experience a similar problem. I'm the type of person who never liked wasting time on casual relationships so if I were with someone, it meant I was seeing if it would lead to something permanent. I think this either put some women off because I guess it made me seem desperate for marriage or it made them feel as if they could slack off in the relationship and not take things seriously since I was already trying so hard. Relationships can be tricky and require a delicate balance, especially early on. If you come off as too desperate you wind up scaring your potential mate away. You come off as nonchalant and they think you don't care and will lose interest (actually, sometimes this makes them try harder).

You are in a good position as you already realize your flaw. My advice to you is to dial it back a little even though it may be a hard thing to do. You will be tempted to fall back into your old habits of doing any and everything for that person but it's an open invitation to drive them away or become their doormat. In the end, your self awareness will pay off for you and your future s/o.

 

[Odo]

Oh, but in MY Hopeless Romantic World, I never want to be apart from my love ♥♥♥ haha yeah crazy I know. And obviously they would feel the same about me or it's not what I want.

April, that's great and I don't think you shouldn't feel that way. I think the difference here is that--and maybe I'm just reaching here-- it doesn't seem like the op is spending time with these people so much as waiting for them to respond to him on social media.

I could be wrong, but he didn't mention actually spending time with these people, and there's a difference between enjoying someone's company and projecting a grand dramatic narrative onto them while waiting for them to respond to some message that you sent them on facebook or whatever.

I think that also extends to making yourself too available as well... if you don't have your own life then you might not even have anything to talk about.

 

[megalon]

In order to avoid coming across as clingy, I tend to go to the other extreme and become very distant.

 

[skins]

oh man relationships are so tricky aren't they, even for people without any issues....I think the more self esteem, and bigger ego you have, then the easier it is to avoid coming across as clingy or desperate when so inclined.

For me the paranoia that I'm about to get dumped or that they are possibly seeing someone else inevitably surfaces in my behaviour sooner or later.

 

[EvilFlyingCow]

First of all, slow down. Don't try to push a relationship into a stage it's not ready to go yet. When you first meet someone, you are acquaintances. Nothing more.

Second, take off the rose colored glasses. If you suddenly think that a person you just met is the one single person you've been looking for all these years, odds are you are completely wrong. There are billions of other people just like them out there.

Third, think of your interaction with them like a game of tennis. Each time you initiate contact with them, you've just sent the ball to their side of the court. You need to wait for them to send the ball back. Don't send another hundred balls to their side of the court just to see if they're still interested in playing. If it takes too long for them to hit the ball back, you might try sending another ball, but at the same time you could try starting another game of tennis with someone else while you're waiting.